This is my HIT COMEDY play Shoplife have a read and then bUY it on Amazon

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Shoplife (c)
by
Michael Casey
Opening Scene
Two women are standing outside Blair's store.They are
talking while their children pull faces at one another, each woman
also has pushchair.Behind them is Blair's store , it is three
shops knocked into one.The letter "B" from the sign is leaning
back at an angle , the "S" from the word "store" is missing , just
a stain remains forming an "S".
We hear the women talk.
Mrs Adams:Yes they are in trouble you know.The shop over Kingsford
way closed last week .That's three in as many months.
Mrs West:I didn't know that.
WITHOUT BREAKING OFF FROM HER CONVERSATION MRS WEST
SLAPS ONE OF HER CHILDREN WHO IS SPITTING AT A SPIDER.
Mrs West:That's really terrible , I remember my mother and me
having a look around when it opened, we used to live
over that way then.
Mrs Adams:Well its closed now.
THEY BOTH TUT TUT AND DRAG ON THEIR CIGARETTES ,
COUGHING OVER THEIR PUSHCHAIRS.MRS ADAMS THEN SLAPS ONE OF HER
CHILDREN , WHO HAS TAKEN UP THE SPIDER SPITTING
Mrs West:It's broken old Mr Blair's heart.This shop isn't safe
either.
THEY BOTH TURN AND LOOK AT THE SHOP , SHAKING THEIR
HEADS.TURNING BACK THEY SIMULTANEOUSLY SLAP THEIR KIDS.
WHO HAVE BEEN DOING MORE SPIDER SPITTING
Kids:We haven't done anything!.
Mrs Adams:Well it'll do for another time.
Kids:That's not fair!
Mrs West:It's what your gran said to us when WE were young
MRS ADAMS AND MRS WEST LOOK AT ONE ANOTHER THEN BURST
OUT LAUGHING.BEHIND THEM AN OLD MERCEDES PULLS UP.AN
OLD MAN GETS OUT HELPED BY A MAN IN HIS EARLY FOURTIES.
THE YOUNGER MAN HAS WHITE HAIR.THE WOMAN SPOT THEM
Mrs West:Thats old Mr Blair and his son.
THE WOMEN WAVE AND SHOUT "HELLO MR BLAIR , YOU ALRIGHT"
OLD MR BLAIR WAVES BACK AND THEN WALKS STIFFLY INSIDE
THE SHOP.HIS SON PAUL JUST DASHES IN.
Mrs Adams:I've always liked old Mr Blair , he always has time for
you even if its only just a wave.That Paul is always in
a hurry , he just wants his way straight away.
Mrs West:He is under a lot of pressure you know , I mean he's
trying to save the business.Didn't I tell you that the
big warehouse of theirs is up for sale.My Ron is looking
for a lock up place to run a garage from and he saw an
ad for their warehouse.
Mrs Adams:The things you learn just by reading the papers.
Mrs West:I know why you really don't like Paul Blair.
Mrs Adams:What's that then.
Mrs West:He tried to take advantage of you in a storeroom
once,when you worked for him,you told me the one night
when we were out celebrating a big win at bingo.That's
the night you conceived Jane.The night of the bingo
celebrations , not with Paul I mean.
SHE POINTS TO THE CHILD IN THE PUSH CHAIR , AS SHE
TALKS .BOTH WOMAN LAUGH.
Mrs Adams:We were both young and free then.
Kids:What does conceive mean, mummy?
Mrs Adams:Never you mind we must be off home now.
AS THE WOMAN PART MRS WEST SPITS AND SCORES A BULLS EYE
ON THE SPIDER
THE SCENE CHANGES TO INSIDE THE STORE.OLD MR BLAIR IS
TALKING TO ONE OF THE CHECKOUT WOMEN
Mr Blair:Yes things do look black Bernadette.
(Snr)
HE SHAKES HIS HEAD AS HE SAYS THIS , BERNADETTE
SERVES A WOMAN , BERNADETTE IS PAINFULLY POLITE , SHE REALLY
MEANS IT WHEN SHE SAYS "THANK YOU FOR SHOPPING AT BLAIRS"
SHE TURNS TO SPEAK TO HIM
Bernadette:Don't upset yourself Mr Blair , everything will be
ok , Paul is doing his best.
OVER HER SHOULDER AT THE BACK OF THE SHOP WE SEE
PAUL TALKING TO TONY THE SHOP MANAGER
Mr Blair:I just feel so old and useless , to think it all
started here 50 years ago .Just me and my wife
Lilly.
HE LOOKS AROUND THE STORE AND SIGHS
Mr Blair:In this very store , we worked night and day , then
when trade picked up we bought the one shop next door
then the shop on the other side.It was Lilly who
thought of knocking the walls through.Then we got a
shop in Quingleton and did the same thing.Buy the
shops on either side and turn it into a larger
shop.
Bernadette:Yes ,Mr Blair.
Mr Blair:It was revolutionary in them days , there were no
Indians doing it left right and center.
HE GAZES OUT THE WINDOW , BERNADETTE FOLLOWS HIS
GAZE AND SEES THE INDIAN OPPOSITE TALKING TO
WORKMEN , WHO ARE KNOCKING TWO SHOPS INTO ONE
Mr Blair:I don't hold it against them , they're just doing
the same as I did.
HE SIGHS
Mr Blair:It's just that they seem to have much more energy
than me and Paul.I suppose it would have been
different if I had lots of children to work for
me.
Bernadette:Yes , youv'e only got Paul haven't you.
Mr Blair:Just Paul , Lilly says I worked too hard , we never
have any more.I just wish we did, things would be so
much easier.
Bernadette:Of course.
BERNADETTE TAKES MR BLAIR'S HAND TO COMFORT HIM
Mr Blair:I know one thing anyway , if I ever had a daughter
I'd have loved her to be like you , just like you.
Bernadette:You're making me blush.
MR BLAIR KISSES HER HAND
Mr Blair:I really mean that.
OVER BERNADETTES SHOULDER PAUL IS STILL TALKING TO
TONY.WE MOVE ON TO THEIR CONVERSATION
Paul:I've done my best but I'm afraid its time these were handed
out
HE REACHES INTO HIS POCKET AND BRINGS OUT SEVERAL
ENVELOPES
Tony:I thought this would happen for some time.We all did in fact.
Paul:I'm afraid its the best I can do.It's official notification
of closure.In three months it'll be all over.
Tony:It'll be like splitting up a family.I've been here since I
was sixteen.
Paul:You're still young , at 28 I think you'll find a job.
Tony:I'm not worried about that ,besides I've passed my "A"
Levels at night school.It's the girls I worry for.Especially
Bernadette, you know her sons handicapped and she needs the
money from here to buy the extras you always need with a
handicapped child.
Paul:I know , in fact I've done something already.
HE REACHES INSIDE HIS JACKET AND BRINGS OUT ANOTHER
ENVELOPE, ITS A DIFFERENT COLOUR.HE HANDS IT TO TONY
Paul:This is a reference from me and one from my father.Dad was
the chairman of the traders association a few years ago ,so
it should help.Of course you will write a good one as well.
Tony:Of course , and it'll all be true , Bernadette is a "Born
Again Shop Worker".
THEY BOTH SMILE AND LOOK BACK AT BERNADETTE WHO IS DOING HER
EVER SO POLITE STUFF, ALL PLEASE AND THANKYOUS
Paul:If Bill should turn up can you tell him to take the stuff
back to the warehouse.There's no need to keep the shop topped up
any more.
Tony:As bad as that.
Paul:Worse.If its not the Indians it's the bloody super stores all
strangling us for trade.If dad had let me sell this place to
start with then the whole lot could have been saved.But oh
no , we had to keep it for sentimental reasons.If I sold it
before the area went down the drain then with the oe150,000
in cash I could have moved to a better site or even started
a superstore with our own.I wanted to sell half the shops
and have a giant one but dad said no.
HE SIGHS THEN LOOKS BACK AT HIS FATHER STILL TALKING TO
BERNADETTE ABOUT THE OLD DAYS.
Paul:We won't be poor though , we may go into the property
business in Spain.
Tony:At least you'll have the sun and the girls in bikinis over
there.
0Paul:Talking about girls , have you asked Susan out yet?
Tony:Er , er , well , I mean.
Paul:So you haven't.
Tony:Er , er , well she's always going out with people and she's
only 22.
Paul:That's just the right age.
Tony:But she is a bit too , er , er.
Paul:She probably is.
PAUL LAUGHS HARD , IT HELPS HIM FORGET HIM OTHER
PROBLEMS.TONY SQUIRMS.FROM BEHIND THE TINS OF PEAS A GIRL,
A VERY BUSTY GIRL WITH A SMOULDERING SMILE LOOKS TO SEE
WHAT IS HAPPENING.
Tony:She must have heard you.
Paul:Shall I ask her for a date for you.
Tony:No No. (HE HISSES THIS AND LOOKS DOWN)
SUSAN LOOKS OVER AGAIN , SHE FIXES HER GAZE ON TONY ,HE
SMILES , SUSAN GIVES A LITTLE WAVE AND TONY BLUSHES.
Paul:I better be off , I've a buyer fixed for the warehouse at
noon.What's that smell by the way?
Tony:Ben is making soup again , it smells great, he's always asking
me to try it.
Paul:I don't like Chinese food myself.Anyway I better be off.
Tony:Bye.
Paul:Yes it will be.
PAUL WALKS AWAY , WE SEE HIM AND HIS FATHER TAKE THEIR
LEAVE.WITH BERNADETTE BEING KISSED GOODBYE BY OLD MR BLAIR.
SUSAN GOES OVER TO PAUL AND ASKES POUTINGLY.
Susan:Did you want anything?
(SHE IS VERY SUGGESTIVE)
Tony:NO. (HE CROAKS IT OUT)
Susan:I'll be behind the peas if you do.
SHE WALKS AWAY TONY BITES HIS LIP AND SHE MURMURS TO
HERSELF "I WISH HE'D HURRY UP AND ASK ME OUT , HE'S THE
ONLY REAL GENTELMAN I'VE EVER MET"
TONY CLEARS HIS THROAT AND SHAKES HIS HEAD TO CLEAR IT ,
THEN HE GOES INTO THE STORE ROOM .IN THE STOREROOM IS
BEN THE CHINESE STOREMAN AND BUTCHER
Tony:Can I have a cup of tea Ben.
Ben:Indian ,Ceylon , China or PG tips.
Tony:Whatever's in the pot will do.
Ben:PG tips , my favourite.
Tony:That'll do nicely.
Ben:You want biscuit.I have custard creams.
Tony:Oh that'd be good.
Ben:You want to try my soup?
Tony:Ok , just a bit.
Ben:Here you are then.
BEN PASSES A LADEL WITH SOUP IN IT TO TONY , WHO SIPS
IT.
Tony:Not bad.
Ben:Old recipe of Grandmother.
Tony:Nice.
Ben:You want more?
HE APPROACHES WITH THE LADEL
Tony:Not just now , Ben.
TONY SITS DOWN AT THE TABLE , WHICH IS COVERED IN
NEWSPAPERS , OR RATHER WITH THE "HOROSCOPE" PAGES OF THE PAPERS
Tony:What do these say then. (HE WAVES HIS HAND AT THEM)
Ben:Not very good day for one star , bad news indeed.
BEN PASSES TONY HIS TEA.
Tony:I know I shouldn't ask but which one is it?
Ben:Virgo.
Tony:What month is that ?
Ben:End August and most of September.When you born , I tell you
your future.
Tony:You just have.
Ben:You Virgo , I always thought you were a Cancer , you move
like man with crabs.
Tony:Pardon.
Ben:You move like crab and you very secretive.
Tony:Oh.
Ben:I read you your future.
Tony:You may as well.
BEN CLEARS HIS THROAT AND HAS A SIP OF TEA THEN CLEARS HIS
THROAT AGAIN BEFORE HAVING ANOTHER SIP OF TEA AND CLEARING HIS
THROAT AGAIN BEFORE FINALLY STARTING
Ben:A time of uncertainty in your career.
TONY GROANS
Ben:However don't be unhappy as a new beginning is just around
the corner.In your romantic thirteenth house an unusual
frosty encounter could mean the beginning of a life long relationship
Tony:I'll fall in love with the woman at the dole office no doubt.
Ben:These never lie , they very good.
Tony:What do the others say?
Ben:They say the same but in different way.
Tony:A completly differnt way no doubt.
Ben:How you know , you read my papers already.
BEN LOOKS ACCUSINGLY AT TONY
Tony:An inspired guess.
Ben:It also say for Virgo that you or a friend will win a
fortune.
Tony:I'll ring my stock broker immediately .
Ben:You no take the china tea.
Tony:Of course not , of course not.
Ben:Why you come in my storeroom anyhow?
Tony:I need to have a calming drink of tea before I give out
these.
TONY TAKES OUT THE ENVELOPES AND GIVES BEN ONE
Ben:It not my birthday for another week.
Tony:It's the sack.Or rather the sack in 3 months time.
Ben:Your fortune was right then.
Tony:Yes, for all of us.
Ben:You my family here , I miss you when sack comes.
Tony:I'm sorry .I better go and tell the Girls now.If you have any
questions just ask.
TONY SLOWLY AND SADLY GETS UP AND IS AT THE DOOR WHEN BEN
ASKS
Ben:Is it called sack because you put all your things in a sack
when you leave?
Tony:Yes Ben.
TONY TAKES A DEEP BREATH BEFORE OPENING THE DOOR FROM THE
STOREROOM TO THE SHOP.HE WALKS TO THE FRONT BY THE CASH DESKS
HE CLAPS HIS HANDS,GERTIE THE FAT SUPERVISOR LOOKS UP.
Gertie:What do you want?.
Tony:Get the girls to gather around.
AS THEY GATHER AROUNG TONY TAKES THE ENVELOPES FROM HIS
POCKET
Gertie:He's going to do a conjuring trick.
THE GIRLS ALL LAUGH
Tony:I wish I was.
Gertie:What is it then.
WE LOOK AT THE GIRLS FACES ONE BY ONE , ALL TENSE
Tony:Mr Blair was here this morning , he left these.
HE HOLDS UP THE ENVELOPES LIKE CHAMERLAIN DID
Jenny:What are they.
Gertie:It's the sack.
A GASP FROM THE GIRLS
Tony:Notice of closure to be exact.
Gertie:But still the sack.
Tony:We still have 3 months.
Bernadette:Yes , the sack.What am I going to do , I need this job ,
well any job, to buy things for my son.
Gertie:Yes , what about Bernadette?
Tony:I have a personal refernece from Mr Blair Snr and one from
Paul , I will of course write one myself ,so I'm sure
she'll get fixed up .
Bernadette:Do you think I'll get another job?
Tony:Of course you will , all of you will.You'll all get good
references.
Gertie:Well if that's the case we may as well be happy till the
end ,besides being sad gives you wrinkles ,I don't want to
ruin my looks with them.
TONY LOOKS HER UP AND DOWN AND LAUGHS , GERTIE MUST BE
17 STONES AT LEAST. EVERYBODY LAUGHS.
Tony:We'll all remember you Gertie , always.Oh Jenny can you
tell Ben to tell Bill to take the lorry back to the
warehouse, no need to fill the storeroom up any more.
Jenny:Yes,I'll do that.
JENNY HEADS fOR THE STORE ROOM
Gertie:I'm not doing to forgive you for doubting my beauty.
Tony:So what are you going to do about it?
Lorraine:Let's get his trousers off.
June:Yes lets do that ,I've always said he had a nice bum , lets
have a look
Bernadette:I think that would be a bit much.
BERNADETTE FRETS LIKE MAVIS FROM CORONATION STREET AS GERTIE
LORRAINE AND JUNE EDGE TOWARDS TONY , OTHER GIRLS LOOK ON
Tony:Come on Gertie , ladies, it was only a joke ,I mean you all laughed
not just me.
June:I still want to see your bum , it's our last chance.
TONY EDGES AWAY , HE LOOKS SUSAN IN THE EYE HOPING FOR SYMPATHY
SHE JUST SMILES .TONY SMILES BACK , A SPARK HAS GONE BETWEEN THEM
THE GIRLS MISTAKE THIS AS A COME ON SIGN , A GESTURE OF DEFIANCE
Gertie:See, he's smiling , he wants us to have his trousers off , see him
smile he's a teaser.Come on girls.
Tony:Cann't we talk , this is silly.
Gertie:We know it is , but we still want to see you in your Y fronts.
June:What can he do, sack us?
Lorraine:Yes , it doesn't matter now.
TONY STARTS TO WALK BRISKLY AWAY , THE GIRLS FOLLOW , TONY BREAKS
INTO A RUN THE GIRLS FOLLOW.UP AND DOWN THE ISLES THEY GO , WITH
THE TINS OF PEAS AND BEANS GOING EVEYWHERE.THE GIRLS TRAIL BEHIND
GERTIE CANNOT KEEP UP SO SHE STOPS .TONY INCREASES THE GAP BETWEEN
HIMSELF AND THE GIRLS , HE LOOKS BACK AS HE RUNS , HE SMILES ,HE
THEN RUNS INTO GERTIE.SHE GRAPLES HIM TO THE GROUND
Gertie:Come on get his trousers off.
Tony:Help , help , Ben , Susan , anybody help.
HIS TROUSERS COME OFF, HIS Y FRONTS SLIP , TO REVEAL HIS BARE BUM
TONY HURRIEDLY PULL THEM BACK UP
June:That's a nice bum , as good as my second husband's bum.
Lorraine:Much better than any of those in the "Sun".
Tony:The cheek of you lot and call yourself Ladies.
Gertie:It's all your cheek.
THE GIRLS ALL COLLAPSE IN LAUGHTER AS TONY HURRIES AWAY TRYING
TO LOOK DIGNIFIED WITH HIS CLIPBOARD STILL IN ONE HAND , HE
HEADS FOR THE STOREROOM , BEN IS LOOKING OUT STANDING IN THE
DOORWAY
Ben:Why you no wearing trousers boss?
Tony:You tell me , you are the prophet after all .
THE GIRLS WATCH THE "BOTBEN" DISAPPEAR , FRAMING IT FOR PHOTOS
WITH THEIR HANDS AND LAUGHING LOUDLY.
Susan:Shall I give him his trousers back?
Gertie:Not now , let him wait , it'll do him good.
June:Did you hear him ask Susan for help , their must be a reason for
that.
Lorraine:And the look he gave her.Perhaps there's been something going on
that we don't know about.
June:Come on tell us .
Susan:Don't be ridiculous.
SHE REACHES FOR THE TROUSERS IN GERTIE'S HAND
Gertie:Here are then you can have the trousers , but don't give them back
for a little while then.
SUSAN TAKES THEM AND HEADS BACK FOR THE TINS OF PEAS.
Susan:I'll tidy up a bit then.
June:Crawler.
WHEN SHE'S OUT OF EARSHOT THE GIRLS TALK ABOUT HER
Lorraine:The look he gave her was a secret look if ever I sawe one.
June:I bet he's on her list
Gertie:A very long list that must be.
THEY ALL LOOK AT HER HEADING DOWN THE ISLES
Lorraine:I think she's a bit of a slag .
Bernadette:That's not a nice thing to say
June:I bet its true though
Gertie:She is a bit bow legged.
THEY WINK AT EACH OTHER
(Fade Out)
WE SEE TONY AND BEN fINISHING TEA
Tony:They'll kill me before they finish , so they will.
Ben:But why you have no trousers.
Tony:The Girls are ioroning them for me.
Ben:Really (HE LOOKS SURPRISES AND BELIEVING)
Tony:Did Jenny give you a message for Bill.
Ben:She say she give it to Bill herself.
Tony:No doubt she will , no doubt she will.
Ben:She like Bill very much.It always funny to me that she help Bill
every time he come.Even when one one box of cornflakes delivbered.
Tony:And they take such a long time.
Ben:Yes you right , me say that now , only you say first.
Tony:Well Bill has been hit too , this is his last port of call,and Jenny
his last girl.A girl in every port was Bill , it was a wonder he had
the strength to do any work.Ten shops we had , ten.
Ben:What mean girl in evry port , me no understand.
TONY SMILES AND CHUCKLES BEFORE ANSWERING
Tony:Bill had a girl to help him in every shop , and we had ten shops.
Ben:He take long time at other shops too.
Tony:I'd imagine so , I'd imagine so.
OUTSIDE A LARGE LORRY WITH A GOODS LIFT AT THE BACK.THE DOORS OPEN
A SMALL BALDING MAN WITH MEXICAN MOUSTACHE AND ONE EARRING OPENS
THE DOORS AND GIVES JENNY A LINGERING KISS , JENNY HAS ONE PACKET
OF CORNFLAKES IN HER HAND AS THE LIFT GOES DOWN THEY KISS , BILL
IS LEFT STANDING AT THE BACK OF THE LORRY SHE IS AT GROUND LEVEL.
SHE WALKS AWAY AND STOPS AND WAVES , SHE IS DOING UP HER UNIFORM
BUTTONS.IN HER HAND IS ONE BOX OF FARLEY'S RUSKS , BILL SHOUTS AFTER
HER
Bill:Don't forget your hanky.
AS JENNY TURNS A PAIR OF UNDIES HITS HER IN THE FACE , SHE BLUSHES
AS SHE PUTS HER IN HER POCKET.BEN IS WATCHING FROM LOADING BAY
BACK IN THE STOREROOM SUSAN COMES IN AND HAND TONY HIS TROUSERS
Susan:Here you are , it was not my idea you know
Tony:Well so long as it doesn't happen again.
THEY EXCHANGE GLANCES THEY BOTH OPEN THEIR MOUTHS TO SPEAK BUT DON'T
SUSAN GOES AWAY . BEN COMES BACK INTO THE STOREROOM FROM THE LOADING
HE IS SCRATCHING HIS HEAD
Ben:I see Bill giving Jenny a hanky , she must have cold .Why it take so
long for them to unload , when its only one box of cerial?
Tony:Bill has to be careful with his back
BEN RAISES HIS EYSBROWS
Ben:Really , I not know that before .
BEN PICKS UP A BROOM AND GOES OUT OF THE STOREROOM.JENNY COMES IN
FROM THE LOADING BAY THEN RUSHES THROUGH THE STOREROOM AND INTO THE
SHOP AGAIN.A FEW MOMENTS LATER BILL COMES IN, AND SITS DOWN
Bill:Where's Ben ,I hoped he'd make me a tea before I took the stuff back
to the warehouse.
Tony:There should be some in the pot.
Bill:Is it China tea.
Tony:No , his favourite PG tips.
Bill:I'll have a coffee then.
BILL MAKES HIMSELF A COFFEE AND SITS DOWN AGAIN , HE STARTS TO TALK
AS HE MAKES THE COFFEE
Bill:Things just won't be the same now with Blairs closing.
Tony:But surly you'll get a job.
Bill:Of course I will , I can drive anything , HGV Class 1 I am.
BILL TAKES A SIP Of COffEE AND REACHES FOR A BISCUIT
Bill:No its the perks I'll miss.
TONY LOOKS PUZZLED FOR A SECOND
Bill:PERKS!
Tony:Oh I get you.
Bill:Jenny has always been my favourite , though Susan is a knockout ,but
she's always been distant with me.
TONY LOOKS RELIEVED
Bill:Ten shops Blairs had , and I had a girl to help me unload in every
shop
Tony:Really?
TONY IS TRYING TO HIDE A MIXTURE OF ENVY AND DISGUST
Bill:Mandy was one of the best , over at Quingelton , not very attractive
HE TAKES OUT HIS fALSE TEETH ASND SUCKS THEM TONY IS SHOCKED
Bill:but she made a great sandwich which we shared afterwards.
BILL NOTICES TONY STARING
Bill:Not many people know I have these.
HE HOLDS THEM UNDER TONY'S NOSE SO HE CAN SEE THEM
Tony:Thanks.
HE CRINGES
Bill:Then there was Jane , she had such a smile , and a tongue
HE PUTS HIS TEETH BACK IN
Bill:Then there was Mary , she had this birthmark
HE WINKS AT TONY
Bill:Debbie was special , she always had a present for me on my birthday
Tony:No doubt you'll miss them all.
Bill:It will be a strain you knopw , a wrench after all these years.
BILL LOOKS IN HIS POCKETS FOR A HANKY , HE CANNOT FIND ONE.
Bill:You cann't lend me your hanky can you?
Tony:No! But there are some Kleenex in the shop.
Bill:It doesn't matter that much.
SO HE LEANS BACK ON HIS CHAIR AND BLOWS HIS NOSE ON A TEA CLOTH.
Bill:Yes its a terrible thing Blairs closing down ,The girls all cried
at the other shops when I saw them for the last time
Tony:Er , well , but , what I mean to say is how , is that...
BILL BUTTS IN
Bill:Why am I so sexy.
TONY IS SPEECHLESS FOR A SECOND AS HE STARES AT THE BALDING POT
BELLIED UNSHAVEN MAN IN FRONT OF HIM , BILL HAS AN EAR RING IN ONE
EAR TOO , SUNGLASSES IN HIS TORN SHIRY POCKET.
Bill:I just my personality isn't it.
BIll GETS UP FROM THE TABLE AND FARTS
Bill:Was that you?
Tony:NO !
Bill:It must have been me then.I better be off , I've got to buy the wife
an anniversary present. its the girlfriends bithday too.See you.
Tony:See you . (HE SAYS LIMPLY)
TONY SHAKES HIS HEAD fROM SIDE TO SIDE IN DISBELIEF
Tony:He's a one man population explosion , and I cann't even ask Susan out
fADEOUT
AT THE DAIRY COUNTER LORRAINE HAS HER PERSONAL STEREO ON
Lorraine:What cheese shall I try first I like the Brie , but the Rochefort
is very good.
LORRAINE'S FACE IS COVERED IN SPOTS , A RESULT OF TOO MUCH CHEESE
EATING.CAREFLLY SHE TAKES A PORTION OFF ONE CHEESE WITH A KNIFE
SHE TAKES FROM HER OVERALL POCKET.THEN REACHING UNDER THE COUNTER
SHE GETS SOME "TESCO'S OWN BRAND CHEESE MATES BISCUITS" OUT OF HER
BAG.THEN SHE CLOSES HER EYES AND EATS THE CHEESE ON THE BISCUIT
A CUSBENER APPEARS DRESSED IN PEARLS AND TWEED
Customer:Well , that must be good judging by the look on your face.
LORRAINE OPENS HER EYES AND IS SLICHTLY SHOCKED
Lorraine:Well er yes it was.Can I her you Madame
Customer:I'm having a wine and cheese party , what cheese do you recommend
Lorraine:Well I always like Brie , then there's Edam of course and the
Rochefort is always a nice one.And if you want a nice English one
then I 'd say the Red Leicester cann't be beaten
THE CUSTOMER LOOKS SUITABLE IMPRESSED .LORRAINE KNOWS ABOUT
CHEESE BUT SHE IS OTHERWISE AS THICK AS TWO SHORT PLANKS
Customer:Well if you make me up a selection of those , say 12 ounces of
each.
LORRAINE LOOKS DOWN AT THE DISPLAY , OVER TWENTY CHEESES
ARE THERE
Lorraine:12 ounnces times twenty?
Customer:Yes , the management are coming over.
Lorraine:Sounds nice.
Customer:Yes it is.Its to celebrate a new expansion at the Hypermarket.
LORRAINE's FACE DROPS.
Customer:Have I said anything wrong?
Lorraine:The store's closing after 50 years and partly because of the
Hypermarket .
Customer:Oh I am sorry , but that's life.
LORRAINE FINISHES THE ORDER
Customer:I'll have a word with my husband over the phone perhaps there is
something he can do
SHE IS CONCERNED FOR LORRAINE
Lorraine:It would be really great if you could do that.
Customer:I cann't promise but I'll do my best
Lorraine:Anything else?
Customer:Do you have any of those biscuits to go with cheese, you know
the kind I mean.
LORRAINE MOVES SLIGHTLY TO ONE SIDE SO THE CUSBENER CANN'T SEE
HER PICKINGS AND HER OWN BISCUITS BEHIND HER
Lorraine:Actually the one's we have don't do justice to the cheese
Customer:You're a true connoiseur.
Lorraine:Er yes.
Customer:That'll be all then.
THE CUSBENER PAYS , THEN WITH A TWIRL OF HER TWEED SKIRT AND HER
PEARLS BOBBING UP AND DOWN SHE GOES AWAY.LORRAINE REACHES BEHIND
AND PICKS UP HER CHEESE AND BISUIT
Lorraine:Stupid Cow , came in here to gloat she did , its her husband who
is putting us out of work.
LORRAINE HELPS HERSELF TO SOME MORE CHEESE
Lprraine:I wonder what "connoiseur is ? I'll ask Jane when she comes in.
LORRAINE FINISHES HER SNACK THEN LOOKS AT HER REFLECTION IN THE
BACON SLICER
Lorraine:My spots aren't getting any better.
LORRAINE TILTS HER HEAD ONE WAY THEN ANOTHER TO GET A BETTER
LOOK
Lorraine:I'll have to put some ointment on.
SHE REACHES UNDER THE COUNTER AND BRINGS OUT HER BAG , SHE LOOKS
FOR AND FINDS HER OINTMENT.THEN SHE PUTS IT ON HER FACE WHILE
LOOKING AT HER REFLECTION IN THE BACON SLICER
Lorraine:I wonder if the cheese has anything to do with spots
AT THAT MOMENT ANOTHER CUSBENER APPEARS , SHE SEES LORRAINE WITH
THE OINTMENT , LORRAINE THINKS FAST AND STARTS RUBBING IT ON THE
THE BACON SLICER
Lorraine:It's a vegetable based lubricant , for the bacon slicer
Woman:Really?
THE WOMAN LOOKS SURPRISED BUT BELIEVES LORRIANE
Lorraine:What can I do for you?
Woman:I'll have some ham please , 8 ounzes.
LORRAINE GULPS AND SLIPS THE OINTMENT INTO HER OVERALL POCKET
Lorraine:Off the bone?
SHE REACHES FOR THE CARVING KNIFE HOPING ITS OFF THE BONE
Woman:No , the cheaper one , sliced please.
LORRAINE GULPS AGAIN
Lorraine:Certainly Madame.
THE WOMAN IS WATCHING CLOSELY SO LORRIANE CANNOT RUB THE OINTMENT
OFF
Lorraine:80P , is that ok?
Woman:Yes , it looks luvly.
THE WOMAN TEARS A PIECE OFF AND EATS IT , LORRAINE CLOSES HER
EYES
Woman:This is really nice , here you try some
SHE OfFERS IT TO LORRAINE
Woman:A little tangy , but nice.Are you sure you won't try some?
Lorraine:No thanks.
Woman:You must be sick of food surrounded by it all day , I suppose
Lorraine:Anything else?
Woman:No.Er on second thoughts I'll have another 8 ounzes of the ham,
it is really good , it has an after taste even better than the
one when you eat it.Are you sure you won't try a bit.
Lorraine:I'm on a diet.
Woman:Here's oe2.
Lorraine:40p change.
Woman:Bye
Lorraine:Bye
AS THE WOMAN GOES AWAY LORRAINE HURRIEDLY CLEANS THE BACON SLICER
THEN SHE HOLDS THE OINTMENT TO HER NOSE AND SNIFfS , SHE PUTS
SOME ON HER FINGER AND DITHERS AS TO TASTE IT OR NOT ,IN THEN END
SHE GOES "UGH" AND DOES NOT.IN THE BACKGROUND THE CUSBENER IS
PECKING AT THE HAM AS SHE LEAVES THE STORE. TONY WALKS BY AND
SHE LORRAINE WATCHING THE WOMAN
Tony:Is everything ok?
Lorraine:Yes.
TONY LOOKS AT THE WOMAN AND THEN LORRAINE , THEN WITH A PUZZLED
LOOK ON HIS FACE HE WALKS AWAY. LORRAINE BURSTS OUT LAUGHING AS
TONY WALKS AWAY. SO TONY CHECKS HIS FLIES AND HIS BACKSIDE.
Tony:I hope they didn't rip my trousers. (AS HE CHECKS HIMSELf)
Fade Out
BIG GERTIE IS AT THE CHECKOUT SERVING WHEN A DRUNK COMES IN
HE DISAPPEARS fOR A MOMENT THEN RETURNS TO THE CHECKOUT WITH
ONE TIN OF BEANS , HE PAYS FOR THESE THEN LEAVES , HIS JACKET
FLAPS OPEN TO REVEAL A BOTTLE OF JOHNIE WALKER.IN THE INSIDE
POCKET.GERTIE CARRIES ON SERVING , A CROWD IS FORMING
LORRAINE COMEWS RUSHING TO THE CHECKOUT FROM THE BACK
Lorraine:Did that man pay for the Johnie Walker , I saw him put it in his
pocket.
Gertie:No.I didn't see any whiskey.
Lorraine:Well I did and he put it in his inside pocket
GERTIE LOOKS OUTSIDE AND SEES THE MAN STAGGERING AWAY
Lorraine:Shall I go after him?
Gertie:No leave this to me , it's my responsibility , I'm supervisor
Lorraine:What shall I do?
Gertie:Serve these people.
GERTIE EDGES OUT FROM BEHIND THE CHECKOUT , HER 17 STONE PLUS
FRAME IS ALMOST WEDGED THERE.LORRAINE TAKES HER PLACE , THE
CUSBENERS DON'T WANT TO BE SERVED THEY WANT TO SEE WHAT WILL
HAPPEN.SO LORRAINE AND THE CUSBENERS WATCH GERTIE.
GERTIE WADDLES AFTER THE DRUNK , SWINGING HER LEGS FROM THE HIP
AS FAT PEOPLE DO
IN THE STREET
Gertie:You come here! Stop Theif!
AN OLD MAN IN THE STREET JUMPS WITH FRIGHT , A BABY IN A PUSH
CHAIR STARTS TO CRY. THE DRUNK LOOKS OVER HIS SHOULDR THEN
SPEEDS UP , TO AVOID GERTIE IF HE CAN.
Gertie:Stop Thief!
AGAIN THE WHOLE STREET IS FRIGHTENED , THE DRUNK SPEEDS UP
SO DOES GERTIE. SHE HAS TO JUGGLE HER BUSSOM AS SHE TRIES TO
CATCH UP.
THE DRUNK BUMPS INTO SOMEBODY THEN MOVES ON , GERTIE IS CLOSING
THE DRUNK LOOKS OVER HIS SHOULDER , THEN BUMPS INTO A TREE ,
GERTIE HAS A TRICKLE OF SWEAT ROLL DOWN HER FACE AND NECK
SHE TAKES A DEEP BREATH THEN LUNGES
17 STONES PLUS LAND ON THE DRUNK , THE DRUNK LANDS WITHOUT
BREAKING THE BOTTLE , AN ABILITY ALL DRUNKS HAVE.
Gertie:Just because I'm a defenceless woman you think you can take
advantage of me.
THE WHOLE STREET IS WATCHING NOW , THE CUSBENER AND LORRAINE
HAVE MOVED OUT OF THE SHOP TO WATCH
Gertie:You men are all the same you take take take.Men you can keep them,
I saw.
SHE SNATCHES BACK THE BOTTLE , BEFORE GETTING UP AND STANDING
ON THE DRUNK AGAIN. THE DRUNKS MOANS BUT DOES NOT MOVE AT ALL
Gertie:But you'r not taking this.
SHE IS TRIUMPHANT , THE STREET APPLAUDES , THE BABY IS STILL
CRYING IN THE BACKGROUND , ITS MOTHER GIVES GERTIE A STARE
AS SHE PASSES.GERTIE ENTERS THE STORE TO APPLAUSE.
SHE CARRIES THE BOTTLE ARROUND LIKE AN OLYMPIC TORCH AND PUTS
IT BACK ON THE SHELF , THEN EDGES BACK BEHIND THE TILL.
Gertie:Next paying customer please!
EVERYBODY LAUGHS
Customer:Well done Gertie.
OTHER CUSBENERS SAY THE SAME , GERTIE IS HEAVING AND "GLOWING
LORRAINE COMES AND SPRAYS HER WITH "BODY MIST" BEFORE PUTTING IT
BACK ON THE SHELF.AS GERTIE SERVES SHE DROPS SOMEBODIES CHANGE
SHE BENDS DOWN AND PICKS IT UP.AS SHE GETS UP A LARGE ,AND FAT
MAN APPEARS , HE WATCHES HER GET UP.
HE LOOKS AT THE TRICKLE OF SWEAT ON HER BREAST , AS SHE RAISES
HER HEAD HE LOOKS INTO HER EYES , GERTIE KNOWS WHAT HE'S BEEN
LOOKING AT , BUT SMILES NONE THE LESS
ITS LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT.
GERTIE PRETENDS TO SLIP , A STRONG HAND HELPS HER UP ,AND HOLDS
ON A BIT LONGER THAN NEED BE.
Gertie:Thank you ,I'm a bit tired , I had to deal with a shoplifter.
Keith:They can be trouble at times.
HE SMILES AT HER , GERTIE'S EYES OPEN WIDER , ITS LOVE.
Gertie:Your Keith aren't you?
Keith:Yes.Do you want any health food products.
HE SHOWS HIS CASE
Gertie:We could both do with those.
THEY BOTH LAUGH , ONLY THEY EXIST , JUST THEM , ITS LOVE
Gertie:I'm afraid you had a wasted journey , the store's closing
Keith:So you won't be seeing me anymore.
Gertie:Fraid so (SHE SIGHS)
Keith:I may as well go then.
HE TURNS TO GO , AT THE DOOR HE TURNS AND LOOKS AT HER
HE HALF OPENS HIS MOUTH , GERTIE COCKS AN EAR , HE TURNS
AWAY TO LEAVE.GERTIE LOOKS SAD , THEN WITH A LOOK OF
DETERMINATION AND HOPE SHE SAWS
Gertie:We should really have a drink to saw goodbye , after all you've
been coming here a few months.
KEITH TURNS BACK
Keith:Yes , I was thinking of that.
Gertie:We could meet at eight , outside . (SHE's HOPING)
Keith:Yes at eight then.
GERTIE GETS OUT FROM BEHIND THE TILL AND STANDS BY HIM , HE IS
NOTICEABLY TALLER THAN HER.THEY LOOK LIKE TWO TOBY JUGS ,
ON IMPULSE KEITH BENDS DOWN AND GIVES HER A PECK.
GERTIE IN RETURN GRABS HIM , AND GIVES HIM A REAL SMACKER.
SO A LITTLE SHOCKED , BUT WITH A HUGH SMILE KEITH LEAVES.
GERTIE WAVES HIM OFF, STANDING IN THE DOORWAY
WE SEE HIM WAVING THEN TOOT EIGHT TIMES , FOR THE TIME THEY WILL
MEET.
IT STARTS TO RAIN , THIS RAIN IS THE GOOD SAMARITAN THAT REVIVES
THE WOODBE SHOPLIFTER , AS HE GETS UP , STILL STUNNED, WE SEE
GERTIE GO BACK IN THE SHOP.
(FADEOUT)
THE NEXT DAY .....A CUSBENER IS BEING SERVED BY GERTIE
Gertie:You'll have to go somewhere else for your butter Mrs Harvey.
Mrs Harvey:Why's that.
Gerie:The shops closing in three months time , we all got a letter
yesterday.Here look.
GERTIE REACHES INTO HER POCKET AND SHOWS MRS HARVEY THE LETTER
MRS HARVEY LOOKS AT IT THEN HANDS IT BACK
Mrs Harvey:I am sorry , what will you all do?
Gertie:The young uns will be ok but for the rest of us...
GERIE SHRUGS HER SHOULDERS
Mrs Harvey:I am so sorry , but you don't look so sad do you?
Gertie:Well I'm still on cloud nine from last night.
Mrs Harvey:Oh do tell me more.
GERTIE LOOKS AROUND BEFORE SPEAKING CONSPIRATORILY
Gertie:I was out last night - with a man.
Mrs Harvey:How nice.
Gertie:We went for a meal at an Italian place.It was great.
Mrs Harvey:My husband , God Rest Him , was Italian , a prisoner of war.
Gertie:I did not know that.
Mrs Harvey:But carry on tell me more.
Gertie:Well it was reaaly nice , afterwards we went for a stroll
before going back to the car .We spotted a French place.
Mrs Harvey:Yes they do do good food them frenchies.
Gertie:I know , we went in and had a meal there too.
Mrs Harvey:Ypu are naughty.
Gertie:But it was great.And afterwards it was so good too.
GERTIE WINKS , MRS HARVEY IS SLIGHTY FLUSTERED.
Mrs Harvey:Oh you are naughty.
Gertie:Well everybody is doing it.
Mrs Harvey:Perhaps I'm old fashioned.
Gertie:I'm seeing him again tonight.I have a feeling this is something
special.
Mrs Harvey:If you are sure.
GERTIE GLOWS AND SIGHS WITH PLEASURE AT THE THOUGHT OF THE
PREVIOUS NIGHTS EVENTS
Mrs Harvey:I suppose its alright then , but make sure he is serious and
not after you for one thing.
Gertie:I'vew got him around my little finger.
GERTIE HOLDS UP HER FINGER , THEY BOTH GIGGLE
Gertie:It's just the half pound of marg and the litre of Johnie Walker
as usual.
Mrs Harvey:Yes , that's right.The marg has gone up 3p , I may have to
switch brands.
Gertie:oe11.50 please
Mrs Harvey:Here's oe12.
Gertie:50p change.
Mrs Harvey:Just make sure that this man of yours is not a jiggalo.
AS SHE WALKS AWAY , KEITH COMES IN , HE HAS A BUNCH OF FLOWERS
IN HIS HAND.HE EMBRACES GERTIE.ITS LIKE SUMO WRESTLERS KISSING
Keith:I was passing , I just wanted to see you again , here these are
for you .
HE HANDS HER THE FLOWERS
Keith:I hope I wasn't too , er , er , well you know , last night.
Gertie:You were wonderful.
GERTIE GRAPS HIM BY THE THRAOT AND THEY EMBRACE AGAIN
Keith:You took my breath away.
Gertie:I'm sorry.
Keith:No , not now , last night.
Gertie:I'm sorry for last night then.
Keith:I meant it as a compliment.
GERTIE FLUTTERS HER EYELIDS LID A GIANT WALLRUSS.
Keith:I'll see you at eight then .I've had a idea , I want to ask you
about it tonight.
Gertie:What do you mean?
Keith:I'll tell you tonight.
KEITH WALKS AWAY LEAVING GERTIE PERPLEXED.IS IT MARRIAGE?
TONY WALKS UP TO THE TILL AND SPEAKS TO GERTIE
Tony:Have you seen Bernadette?
Gertie:She's by the peas with Susan.But why do you want to know?
Tony:The manager of the hypermarket rung to say he'd interview any staff
that cared to come along.So I thought I'd give Bernadette the first
crack at it.I've written her a reference to go with the ones the
Blairs wrote.
HE HOLDS UP THE ENVELOPES
Gertie:That's great news.Quick go tell her.
SHE PUSHES TONT AWAY SENDING HIM FLYING , HE CARRIES ON WALKING
TO THE PEAS , RUBBING HIS ARM
Tony:I want you to go to the Hypermarket Bernadette.
Bernadette:You want me to buy you something?
Tony:No silly I want you to have an interview.Here take these.
HE HANDS HER THE REFERENCES
Bernadette:What are these?
Tony:References, now go straight away!
BERNADETTE HAND THE PRICING GUN TO SUSAN AND HURRIES AWAY
UNBUTTONING HER OVERALL AS SHE GOES. SUSAN STARES AT TONY
Susan:You can be dead masterful when you want.I like that in a man.
Tony:Er yes , I think I better go and talk to Ben.
TONY HURRIES AWAY FEELING UNCOMFORTABLE AS IS SUSAN IS MENTALLY
UNDRESSING HIM. SUSAN LOOKS AFTER HIM.
Susan:I wish he'd hurry up and ask me out before its too late.
FADEOUT
WE NEXT SEE BERNADETTE AT INTERVIEW AT THE HYPERMARKET
TWO MEN AND A WOMAN ARE INTERVIEWING HER
Bernadette:Here are my references.You know I can only work part time
because of my son
THE WOMAN TAKES THE REFERENCES AND LOKKS AT THEM BEFORE
HANDING THEM TO THE MEN
1ST Man:These look very good , excellent even.
2ND Man:But we cann't have any passengers here.So can you work on the
checkout for a half hour so we can see just how good you really
are
Bernadette:I don't know if I should be back at Blairs
BERNADETTE IS VERY NERVOUS , TWO OF THE PANEL IS SYMPATHETIC
THE 2ND MAN IS NOT . HE IS NASTY IN FACT
Woman:Your boss said it was ok.
Bernadette:If Tony said that then its ok by me.
2ND Man:It's MR here you know , If you are good enough.
Bernadette:Yes Sir.
THE WOMAN SMILES FAINTLY AS ENCOURAGEMENT.SO THE FOUR GO DOWN
TO THE SHOP FLOOR AND PUT BERNADETTE AT THE TILL.AFTER FIRST
JAMMING THE TILL AND LOOKING NERVOUSLY AROUND HER BERNADETETE
SOON GETS INTO THJE SWING OF THINGS A REAL "BORN AGAIN" SHOP
WORKER. UNTIL A MAN OF FOURTY IN THICK GLASSES APROACHES , HE
FALLS AND HAS A FIT. BERNADETTE CLOSES HER EYES IN HORROR
FADEOUT
BERNADETTE RETURNS TO BLAIRS LOOKING SAD.THE GIRLS GATHER AROUND
Gertie:Well did you get it.
BERNADETTE LOOKS SAD AND DOWNCAST
Gertie:Well?
Tony:Go on tell us the worse of it.
Susan:A trouble shared is a troubled halved.
Bernadette:Well there were two men and a woman interviewing me.One man was
really nasty.After a talk.They liked the references ,Tony.Well
the nasty one said he wanted to see me in action , so they made
me work on the shop floor.
Gertie:I've never heard of that before.
A CHORUS OF "ME NEITHER " AND "FANCY THAT"
Bernadette:I was nervous at first.
Tony:Well you would be/
Bernadette:But I soon got in the swing of things.
Gertie:Your a pro you are, it shows in your fingertips.
LAUGHS FROM THE GIRLS
Gertie:Not that kind , you lot have filthy minds.
Bernadette:I was quite enjoying it in fact.Until.
EVERYBODY LOOKS AROUND NERVOUSLY WAITING FOR THE BOMBSHELL
Bernadett:A customer had a fit.
Susan:That's terrible , what rotten luck.
Gertie:God is cruel sometimes I think.
Tony:So it ruineds it for you.
A CHORUS OF "AH NO , WHAT A SHAME"
Bernadette:I shut my eyes , it was a shock.
Gertie:So what happened , was the man alright.
Bernadette:After a second ,I just got out from behind the till and
sorted him out.I've done it with my son my see.It was just that
it kind of surprized me there in the store.
Gertie:Good for you Bernadette.
Bernadette:After I sorted the man out , I calmed the man's wife then I did
a silly thing , I shouted at one of the interviewing team , I
told him to get an ambulance as the man had cut his arm during
the fit.While the ambulance was coming I bandaged the arm.
A STUNNED AND RESPECTFUL SILENCE
Tony:Go on.
Bernadette:Well the ambulance men said he looked ok , I had done a good
job , but to be on the safe side they would take him away.His
wife was everso greatful she said the shop should be proud of
staff like me.I remembered then I had shouted at the boss.I
started to walk away.But the nasty one grabbed me by the arm
and kept on shaking it.He called me "My Dear Bernadette" he
told me to call him Malcome.Before he had stressed he was "Mr".
Tony:So you got the job.
Bernadette:Yes I got the job.
A CHEER GOES UP
Bernadette:As I was leaving I told the woman that my son had fits and that
was how I knew what to do.She just said that I showed great
professionalism under stress and that was the kind of people
they want.If anybody else wants a job just give them a ring to
fix up a time for interview.
Gertie:I'm really happy.
Tony:Let's celebrate.
TONY WALKS TO THE BOOZE SECTION AND TAKES A BOTTLE , HE LOOKS
AT GERTIE AND SAYS
Tony:It's ok , I'm not a shoplifter
THEY ALL BURST OUT LAUFHING , THEY RAID THE BOOZE SECTION AND
HAVE AN IMPROMPTU PARTY , LORRAINE BRINGS THE BEST OF THE
CHEESE OUT AS WELL...
FADE OUT
FADE IN...THE DEBRIS IS BEING CLEARED AWAY AS JANE THE CLEANER
COMES IN.JANE HELPS OUT AS NEEDED SHE IS NOT JUST A CLEANER.
Jane:What's all this then? Looks like a party , why wasn't I invited.
Tony:Bernadette got another job.
Gertie:On the spot at the hypermarket , so we just had to celebrate.
Jane:That's really good , but look at the mess.
JANE LOOKS ALL AROUND HER ,WRAPPERS EVERYWHERE AND BOTTLES
ROLLING IN THE ISLES
Tony:It's all my fault , but we got carried away as we'll soon be going
our seperate ways and.
Jane:That's ok it was a shock that's all , besides in a way its good.
TONY AND GERTIE LOOK PUZZLED
Jane:Well I was reading how the Romans used to live it up with parties
going on for days with orgies and the like , I couldn't really see
it in my mind .Until I came in here , this gives me an inkling .
Gertie:It was no orgy!
Lorraine:What's an orgy?
Tony:You're to young to know that.
Jane:I only meant it had some similarities that's all , its all in this
book I've been reading.
SHE TAKES OFF HER COAT ,IN ONE POCKET OF HER OVERALL IS A LARGE
HISTORY BOOK , IN THE OTHER POCKET A CAN OF "MR SHEEN" . SHE TAKES
THE BOOK OUT FOR THEM TO SEE
Tony:The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire
Jane:It's really good this one.One of the students I clean for leant it
to me.There are drawings too.
SHE OPENS THE BOOK AND TURNS TO A DRAWIG OF AN ORGY , FOR THEM TO
SEE
Lorraine:So that's what an orgy is ,I've heard the modern word for it, its
gang
GERTIE INTERRUPTS HURRIEDLY
Gertie:That's enough of that young lady ,I'm sure you can find soemthing
to do at the cheese counter.
GERTIE PULLS HERSELF TO HER FULL HEIGHT AND POINTS LORRANIE GOES
AWAY RELUCTANTLY . JANE IS STILL fLICKING THROUGH THE BOOK
Jane:The best thing ever to happen to me was cleaning for students ,
I've learnt eversuch a lot , you'd be amazed.
Gertie:I can imagine
THEY GERTIE STARTS TO LAUGH , JUST LIKE A DONKEY
Tony:I think she meant from books
Gertie:Oh.
Jane:I'll hang up my coat then , before I start on this
SHE GESTURES TO THE MESS ALL AROUND , WE FOLLOW JANE AS SHE GOES
TO THE BACK OF THE SHOP AT THE CHEESE COUNTER SHE HANDS HER COAT
TO LORRAINE.
Jane:Can you put my coat in the staff room , I'm dying for a fag.
Lorraine:Ok.
LORRAINE GOES THROUGH THE STOREROOM DOOR WHICH LEADS TO THE STAFF
ROOM AS WELL CARRYING JANE'S COAT , WHILE JANE LIGHTS UP
Jane:I dying for a fag , they must be adictive to me , mind you in
olden days it was opium.
LORRAINE LOOKS DUMB.
Jane:Drugs.
Lorraine:Oh.
Jane:Men used to go to opium dens and smoke drugs till they were silly
Lorraine:Nowdays they go to football matches instead, it has the same
results.
Jane:That was clever that , mind you in the Roaman days when they were
n't at orgies.
LORRAINE'S EYES LIGHT UP , SHE IS INTERESTED
Jane:They went to the circus.
Lorraine:Billy Smarts or Chipperfields.
JANE ROLLS HER EYES IN DISGUST
Jane:It was a bit different.The circus did have animals, lions and
tigers but they did not do tricks.
Lorraine:It cann't have been very good then.
Jane:Oh but it was , the animals ate the Christians.
Lorraine:Never.
Jane:Yes , it's true , its all in this book.The christians were the
troublemakers in them days so they were fed to the lions.People
came to watch , and place bets.
Lorraine:They should bring it back for soccar holigans , they smashed my
nan's front window the other year , I mean she's really old ,68,
and how can she afford a new one.
Jane:There were fights to the death as well , with Gladiators , if the
fight was a good one , the loser could be saved if the crowd gave
a thumbs up.
Lorraine:I've seen one of those.
JANE LOOKS SURPRIZED
Lorraine:Outside a nightclub at closing time, the only differnce was that
nobody placed bets or put their thumbs up.
Jane:Where's my ashtray.
JANE LOOKS AROUND , LORRAINE GOES TO THE OTHER END OF THE COUNTER
AND BRINGS BACK A CHARITY BOX WHICH HAS "CANCER RELIEF " ON THE
SIDE.
Jane:This is really handy.
JANE DROPS HER ASH DOWN THE SLOT AND RESUMES HER TALKING , AS
A FEW PUFFS OF SMOKE RISE FROM THE BOX.
Jane:Did I tell you about Marco Polo , I was reading about him the
other week.
Lorraine:You were reading about polos?
Jane:No Marco Polo , a man who sailed the seven seas in search of silk
and spices.People thought he'd fall of the end of the world.
Lorraine:That's silly .He could have looked in an atlas , he'd have got
one in W H Smith's or whatever they had in them days.
Jane:They didn't have atlases then nor W H Smith's of any kind .
Lorraine:Really , so how did he know wheree he was going?
Jane:He had a rough map but it stopped near India , so he just had to
carry on and hope he didn't fall off the end of the world.He made
maps as he went along.
Lorraine:He must have been very brave.
Jane:He was , just like an Astronaut really if you want to compare it
to things we do today.
Lorraine:Fancy.But what about those orgies.
LORRAINE IS A LITTLE COY ABOUT IT
Jane:I can lend you this book , if you like.
SHE TAKES THE THICK VOLUME FROM HER POCKET AND HANDS IT TO
LORRAINE
Jane:It's really well written it makes things come to life ,its light
reading really.
LORRAINE FEELS THE WEIGHT AND LOOKS AT THE SIZE OF THE BOOK THEN
HANDS IT BACK.TRYING NOT TO LOOK FOOLISH SHE SAYS
Lorraine:I thinking hearing it you is so much better ,you bring it to life
when YOU tell it.
JANE LOOKS PROUD
Jane:Do you really think so?
Lorraine:You're ever such a good talker.Besides I've a Jackie Collins to
finish.It's thicker than that.
JANE ALLOWS HERSELF A SMALL SMILE.
Jane:As you like , but if ever you change your mind let me know.I did
not know what I was missing till one of my students lent me a
History book a few years ago.History is such fun , its murder and
pillage and plotting , double dealing , lies and lust and so much
more.
Lorraine:Sounds a bit like The News of The World.
Jane:Yes dear.
WITH A SIGH JANE PUTS THE LAST OF HER ASH INTO THE CHARITY BOX
A CUSBENER ARRIVES SO JANE FLICKS THE DUSTER CASUALLY AS LORRAINE
SERVES.
Customer:8 ounzes of best ham.
LORRAINE CUTS THE HAM , JANE IS STILL FLICKING HER DUSTER , AND
READING AT THE SAME TIME
Lorraine:That's oe1.42 .
Customer:Here a tenner.
LORRAINE LOOKS IN THE TILL ,THERE IS NO CHANGE , SO SHE GRABS
THE STILL SMOKING CHARITY BOX AND SHAKES A FEW PENNIES AND ASH
FROM IT.LORRAINE MAKES UP THE MONEY FOR THE CUSBENER AND IS ABOUT
TO GIVE IT TO THE CUSBENER WHEN SHE REALISES THERE IS ASH SO SHE
BLOWS THE HANDFUL OF MONEY , THE ASH FALLS ALL OVER THE CHEESE
THE CUSBENER TAKES THE CHANGE AND GOES AWAY DISGUSTED
Jane:You shouldn't have done that.
Lorraine:It's ok , I'll stick some silver in instead.
SO LORRAINE TAKES SOME SILVER FROM THE TILL AND PUTS IT IN THE
CHARITY BOX. AT THAT MOMENT A WOMAN WEARING A BLUE TOP AND
MATCHING SKIRT APPEARS
Woman:That's what I like to see.
Lorraine:What can I do for you?
Woman:I've come for the charity box ,now that the store's closing I'll
have to find it another home.
SHE TAKES OUT SOME ID FROM HER MATCHING BLUE HANDBAG , THE ID
SAYS "Charity Coordinator for Cancer Research".
THE WOMAN IS A BIT TOFFY NOSED
Lorraine:Here you are then.
LORRAINE PASSES THE BOX.
Woman:I'll open it now , you can have the change for your till , then
you can give me some notes.I know how you shop people always need
change.
THE CHARITY WOMAN OPENS THE BOX , ASH COVERS HER "BLUE" OUTFIT
SHE IS ANGRY BUT VERY MYSTIFIED.JANE ACTS QUICKLY.
Jane:It's all that radioactivity you know , from that Russian place
Lorraine:Yes it must be that.Jane's read about it in a book.
JANE TAPS THE BOOK IN HER POCKET , THE TITLE IS UNSEEN
Jane:I causes cancer , so I've heard.
THE CHARITY WOMAN HURRIEDLY WIPES THE ASH OFF HERSELF.THEN
QUICKLY COUNTS THE MONEY AND SWOPS IT FOR NOTES FROM LORRAINE.
THEN WITH A CURT "Thankyou " SHE LEAVES STILL WIPING THE ASH
LAIDEN CANCER FROM HER SKIRT.
LORRAINE AND JANE BURST OUT LAUGHING
Lorraine:We were wicked weren't we , I'll have to tell the priest in
confession
Jane:She was a stuck up bitch ,"That's what I like to hear" .
Lorraine:We shouldn't have done it.
Jane:Just because we work in shops people think we are thick and can
look down on us.Well I'm not thick , I'm half way through my
Open University course in History.
Lorraine:Never! You didn't tell any of us.
Jane:You'd all laugh , a cleaner taking a degree.Besides I had hope to
come in with my gown on when I passed , but that will never happen
now.
Lorraine:I always said you were clever.
Jane:Well don't tell anybody!
Lorraine:I won't , I admire you , all I ever got was 3 CSEs.
Jane:And if you do tell anybody I'll put some fish fingers down your
knickers.
Lorraine:You wouldn't.
Jane:I would.Besides it'll give you an idea what an eskimo boyfriend
would be like.
THEY BOTH LAUGH AGAIN
THE NEXT DAY ..GERTIE IS ON THE TILL SHE IS IN A RIGHT MOOD
SHE HELPS HERSELF TO THE CHOCOLATES BY THE TILL TO CONSOLE
HERSELF.AS A CUSTOMER IS LEAVING , FEELING VERY UNCOMFORTABLE
BY GERTIE'S MANNER .LORRAINE , JENNY AND SUSAN GATHER TO
OFFER SYMPATHY..
Lorraine:What's the matter Gertie?
Jenny:Do tell , you're only upsetting yourself by keeping it bottled up
Susan:I bet its got something to do with Keith.
GERTIE GLARES AND REACHES FOR ANOTHER 1LB BAR OF CHOCOLATE , SHE
SNAPS IT IN TWO WITH TWO FINGERS OF ONE HAND.BEFORE SHE PUSHES
IT INTO HER MOUTH.SHE IS NOW SWEARED IN CHOCOLATE LIKE A KID
Lorraine:You're only upsetting yourself.Do tell us more .
Sharom:We want to help you.
Susan:A trouble shared is a troubled halved.
GERTIE SUDDENLY LUNGES FOR THEM , OR SO THEY THINK , IN FACT
ITS THE ECONOMY SIZE SMARTIES THAT SHE'S AFTER.SHE TEARS THE
PACK OPEN THEN POURS THEM DOWN HER THROAT. THE GIRLS LOOK
RELEIVED AND MOVE CLOSER AGAIN.
Gertie:Well you were right , its because of HIM.
KNOWING LOOKS ARE EXCHANGED , THEY HUDDLE TOGETHER LIKE
CONSPIRATORS.AT THAT MOMENT TONY HAPPENS BY.
Tony:Come on girls I know we are closing but lets not give up the Ghost
entirely
THEY TURN AROUND AS ONE AND GLARE , LIKE A MEDUSA'S HEAD AT HIM
Tony:I think I'll go and have a tea with Ben , see what my stars say.
THE FOURSOME STILL GLARE , SO HE EDGES AWAY THEN HURRIES AWAY
Tony:Ben , oh Ben is the kettle on.
HE HAS HIS HAND RAISED AS IF TO CATCH A TAXI.THE FOURSOME RESUME
THEIR SCRUMMAGE.
Gertie:Well he said he wanted to make me an offer last night.
Lorraine:What was it?
Gertie:He said he wanted me to think about it and not to rush into it.
Jenny:So what was it?
Gertie:Well he said it was what every man always wanted.
Susan:Marriage to a good woman!
THREE OF THEM SIGH , GERTIE DOES NOT
Gertie:I thought it was that too.
Susan:What was it then?
Gertie:He wanted to borrow the redundancy money I'd get from here.
Lorraine:The cheeky bugger.
Jenny:So that's what he was after all along.
Susan:Men are all the same if it's not one thing then it's your money
they are after.
GERTIE STARTS TO SOB , IT SPOILS HER MASCARA , SHE CRUNCHES MORE
SMARTIES FOR COMFORT'S SAKE.
Lorraine:So what did you do?
Gertie:I was shocked.
Jenny:Well you would be.
Gertie:I'd given him one thing.
Lorraine:Now he wanted the other.
Jenny:Or vice versa.
Lorraine:What does vice versa mean?
Susan:He'd had his wicked way now he wanted her money as well.
Gertie:I mean I had saved myself till I fell under his wicked spell and
there in the restaurant he had revealed himself.
Lorraine:You mean he was a flasher too!
Gertie:No , I mean he was a con man , a charmer.
Lorraine:I saw it on the telly , I think Nigel Havers is dead gorgeous.
Gertie:That's exactly how he was a charmer just like the telly series.
Jenny:So what did you do?
Gertie:I forced myself to smile and pretended everything was ok.
Lorraine:You were very brave.
Susan:But didn't you say anything about his proposition.
Gertie:No.I had revenge instead.
Jenny:Oh , you didn't let his car tyres down did you.
Gertie:That would have been silly how would I have got home.
Lorraine:So what happened then?
Gertie:If you shut up I'll tell you.Pass my some toffees.
LORRAINE REACHES FOR SOME TOFFEES , GERTIE STARTS ON THESE.
A LONE CUSTOMER COMES IN.SO LORRAINE SHOUTS.
Lorraine:We are having a staff meeting come back in half an hour .
THE CONFUSED MAN IN A LONG MAC LEAVES , CASTING A BACKWARDS
GLANCE AS HE GOES.
Gertie:So I stayed cool as he rabbited on about always wanting to have
a business of his own.How he just needed an extra bit of capital.
He said something about being partners but I wasn't listening.
Lorraine:He's a pig.
Jenny:Yes a pig.
Gertie:At the end of the meal he asked had I made up my mind.
Lorraine:So you slapped his face.
Gertie:No I just smiled, then we left.We were at the Steakhouse place,it
does lovly 12 ounzes steakes and gateau for afters.
Susan:I've been there once with my dad for my eigteenth birthday.
Gertie:So we left and I was all smiles.As we walked down the road we saw
this new Chinese place.So I pretended we should go in there to
celebrate my decision.Just a little meal like.Well he was over
the moon so he ordered a ten course meal.
Lorraine:That taught him.
Gertie:We did not finish it till 11.30 , then he ordered champagne.
Jenny:Oh you were really wicked.
Gertie:It was the only way.So when we finished he asked for my decision.
Pass me some more toffees Lorraine.
LORRAINE PASSES THE TOFFEES.
Gertie:Well I said I'd let him know when he drove me home.He was excited
by now.Then on my doorstep I teased him.
GERTIE GIVES HER BEST "COME ON" LOOK
Gertie:He got very excited.
Lorraine:The beast.
Gertie:Then I told him to close his eyes.When he did I smacked him one
in the face and slammed the door on him.
Jenny:Good for you.
Susan:It's all for the best , men can be so.
SHE STRUGGLES TO FIND A SUITABLE WORD
Jenny:Men are just men!
Susan:Exactly ,they can be so demanding and then caste you aside
without a thought.
IN THE BACKGROUND TONY IS MAKING A SHOW OF LOOKING AT HIS WATCH
THE GIRLS SEE HIM .
Susan:I better go then before he gets angry.
SUSAN GOES TO THE BACK OF THE SHOP AND SMILES AT TONY ,AS THE
TWO DISAPPEAR FROM VIEW THE GIRLS TALK ABOUT HER.
Jenny:She can talk , "Men can be so demanding" .Her knickers go up and
down as often as the tide changes.
Lorraine:Isn't that twice a day. ( SHE IS NAIVE NOT BITCHY)
THE GIRLS LAUGH AT THIS
Jenny:I better go back to my buns I suppose.
Gertie:Thanks for your shoulder to cry on.
Jenny:That's what friends are for.
JENNY WALKS OFF , GERTIE TURNS TO SUSAN
Gertie:Jenny's no better than Susan.Her "helping" the lorry driver unload
Lorraine:How do you mean. (STILL VERY NAIVE)
Gertie:It wasn't the lorry she was "unloading".
Lorraine:I still don't understand.
Gertie:You're young and pretty , so take my advice , stay as you are
till you have a ring on your finger and a deposite on a house.
Lorraine:Er yes.
Gertie:I mean you don't want to end up like me , taken advantage of ,and
why? So he could get his hands on my redundancy.And I thought it
was me he was after.
GERTIE PUSHES HALF A BAR OF CHOCOLATE INTO HER MOUTH
Lorraine:Cheer up Gertie , there's "as good a fish in the sea that ever
came out of it".
GERTIE LOOKS AT LORRAINE , A PUZZLED LOOK ON HER FACE
Lorraine:It was our old school motto , if I remember right the headmaster
said it meant that good things can happen again .
Gertie:I don't know , I think I'll give men up for life.
SHE LOOKS VERY SAD , PATHETIC , MAKEUP SMUDGED AND CHOCOLATE
ON HER FACE
Gertie:Besides look at me , I'm 39 and I'll never be thin again.
SILENT TEARS START TO FALL , LORRAINE PUTS HER ARM AROUND HER
TO COMFORT HER.
Lorraine:He's a beast that Keith.
AT THAT MOMENT THE LARGE SHADOW FALLS OVER THEM THEY DON'T
LOOK UP.
Lorraine:Cann't you leave her alone Tony , she's broken hearted.
Gertie:I'm sorry Tony its just that I had such hopes.
A BIG SNIFFLE FROM GERTIE , LORRAINE "THERE THERES " HER
THE SHADOW SPEAKS.
Keith:It's all my fault , I want to say sorry.
THE TWO LOOK UP , KEITH IS WEARING SUNGLASSES HE HAS AN ENORMOUS
BUNCH OF FLOWERS READY FOR GERTIE.
Keith:I realised when I got home how it must have sounded.
Lorraine:You beast get lost , you seduced her , then you wanted her money.
That's all you wanted.
ANOTHER SNIFFLE FROM GERTIE.
Keith:It's all my fault , I want to say sorry.
HE OFFERS THE FLOWERS TO GERTIE , GERTIE FOLDS HER ARMS , LORRAINE
SNATCHES THEM AND THROWS THEM IN THE AIR.THEY LAND ON THE THREE OF
THEM AND THE TILL AND FLOOR.
Lorraine:You've used her , you've taken advantage of her now you come back
to torment her.
Keith:It's not like that.
Lorraine:You're a theif , you only got half the treasure.
KEITH PUTS HIS HAND ON LORRAINE MOUTH , AND LIFTS GERTIE'S CHIN
WITH HIS OTHER HAND.LORRAINE STRUGGLES
Keith:Gertie I love you , I was so excited with my plans last night
that I didn't get round to the most important bit.
GERTIE WIPES THE TEARS AWAY FROM HER EYE.LORRAINE REACHES FOR
SOME OF THE SCATTERED ROSES AND STARTS TO HIT KEITH.
Keith:Yes I do want your redundancy money .
LORRAINE BEATS HIM WITH A ROSE.
Keith:Yes I want you as business partner.
LORRAINE BELTS HIM WITH THE ROSES , KEITH LETS THEM BOTH GO
HE KNEELS DOWN UNDER LORRAINE'S BELTING , HE REACHES INTO HIS
POCKET , LORRAINE BELTS HIM EVEN MORE.GERTIE WONDERS WHAT HE
NOW HAS IN HIS HAND
Keith:But most of all I want you as a wife.
LORRAINE STOPS THE "WAR OF THE ROSES"
Gertie:What?
Keith:I want you to marry me.
Lorraine:Marry her?
Keith:I want you for a wife , to be my business partner and if you
don't think we're too old I want children , lots of children.
GERTIE IS STUNNED , KEITH GETS TO HIS FEET ,HE PLACES THE RING
ON HER FINGER.LORRAINE MOVES BEWTEEN THEM TO LOOK AT THE RING.
Gertie:Marry me?
Keith:Yes I want you as my wife , if you can forgive me for not
explaining things yesterday.That's if there's nobody else.
THE PENNY DROPS , GERTIE JUMPS UP AND EMBRACES KEITH , LORRAINE
IS SQUASHED INBETWEEN. GERTIE GRAPS LORRAINE AND THROWS HER
TO ONE SIDE.LORRAINE HURTLES INTO A TOWER OF TOILET ROLLS, AS
GERTIE AND KEITH EMBRACE LIKE SUMO WRESTLERS , THEN KISS.
WHEN THEY BREAK BOTH ARE COVERED IN CHOCOLATE , ROSE BUDS IN
THEIR HAIR.LORRAINE GETS UP AND STACKS THE TOILET ROLLS , AT
LAST GERTIE AND KEITH BREAK FOR AIR.
Keith:Do you forgive me.
Gertie:YES , YES.
Keith:We'll talk things over tonight.
Gertie:Does your eye hurt ?
Keith:It's nothing.
Gertie:Show me .
KEITH REMOVES THE SUNGLASSES TO REVEAL A REAL BAD BLACK EYE
GERTIE IS SHOCKED.
Gertie:Did it hurt?
Keith:It still does.
Gertie:I'm sorry.
Keith:It would have hurt more if I'd lost you.
LORRAINE HAS RECOVERED FROM BEING "TOILET ROLLED" SO SHE COMES
OVER TO EXAMINE THE RING.JUST AS GERTIE AND KEITH "GRABBLE"
AGAIN , SHE IS CAUGHT IN THE MIDDLE AGAIN , THIS TIME KEITH
FLINGS HER TO ONE SIDE , SHE COLLIDES WITH TINS OF BISCUITS
GERTIE AND KEITH EMBRACE AGAIN.IN THE BACKGROUND THE DRUNK
GERTIE FELLED PREVIOUSLY IS SEEN SNEAKING OUT WITH A FEW
BOTTLES.GERTIE BREAKS FROM KEITH TO SHOUT.
Gertie:What do you think you are doing you horrible man , drop em!
A SHOCKED DRUNK DROPS THE BOTTLES AND SCAMPERS OUT OF THE
STORE TO BUMP INTO A PASSERBY.LORRAINE GETS UP AGAIN AND
SHOUTS
Lorraine:Quick everybody , Gertie's getting married.
WE SEE THE GIRLS ALL MUSTER.EXCEPT SUSAN WHO IS UP A LADDER
AT THE BACK OF THE SHOP.....
SHE IS TAKING DOWN POSTERS OF FARM PRODUCE
Susan:Why didn't you do up this ladder ,Tony?
Tony:I get vertigo that's why.
SUSAN IS VERY HIGH UP REACHING FOR THE POSTERS.
Tony:Don't over stretch , or your'll fall down.
TONY LOOKS UP AT SUSAN , BEING HUMAN HIS EYES FOLLOW HER
LEGS UPWARDS . HE IS THUNDERSTRUCK BY THE TIME HE SEES HER
RED UNDIES.
Susan:Its hot up here , hang on a sec while I loosen my overall.
AS SHE UNDOES SOME BUTTONS , TONY IS STILL LOOKING UP HER
DRESS.SUSAN THEN REACHES FOR THE LAST POSTER.
Susan:I'll just reach a bit more then I'll get the last one
NO REPLY FROM TONY , BUT THE LADDER BEGINS TO RATTLE A BIT
TONY SEES SUSAN'S CHEST AS SHE REACHES FOR THE LAST POSTER
Susan:Got it , hold the ladder steady while I come down.
NO REPLY FROM TONY , SUSAN LOOKS DOWN , SHE SEES HIM
STARING AT HER LEGS AND THE REST.SO SHE WIGGLES A BIT MORE
AS SHE COMES DOWN , THEN AT THE LAST WRUNG SHE SLIPS ON
PURPOSE.TONY MAKES A GRAB FOR HER BUT TOUCHES HER CHEST
AS HE GRABS HER ARM.SO SUSAN SMILES.
Susan:Cheeky , I know why you sent me up that ladder.
TONY BLUSHES , AND SMILES LIKE FRANK SPENCER USED TO DO.
Tony:Susan , will you?
HE STOPS IN A SEA OF BLUSHES
Susan:Yes I will , cheeky.
SUSAN TAKES TONY BY THE ARM AND LEADS HIM TO THE DEEP
FREEZE , THEN CLOSING THE DOOR SHE SPEAKS.
Susan:I like you and I think that you like me.We may never meet again when
the store closes.So.
SHE WALKS TO THE FAR END OF THE FREEZER AND TAPS THE
THERMOSTAT.IT SHOWS 50o , WARM FOR A FREEZER
SHE THEN STARTS TO UNDRESS , HANGING HER CLOTHES ON THE
MEAT HOOKS AS SHE DOES SO.TONY IS SPEECHLESS , THEN SHE
MOVES TOWARDS HIM AND STARTS TO UNDRESS HIM.
FADEOUT
WE NEXT SEE LORRAINE , AT THE BACK OF THE SHOP LOOKING FOR
TONY AND SUSAN TO TELL THEM THE GOOD NEWS ABOUT GERTIE.
Lorraine:Where have they got too , they'll miss all the fun.
WE SEE LORRAINE WALK PAST THE ABANDONED STEPS , WITH "MILK
IS GOOD FOR CHILDREN AND MUMS TO BE" POSTERS ON THE FLOOR
Lorraine:Susan ,Tony? Where are you ,Gertie and Keith are getting married
SHE REPEATS HER MESSAGE AS SHE GOES PAST THE FREEZER
SCENE SWITCH ...TO INSIDE THE FREEZER , TONY AND SUSAN
ARE NAKED , THEIR PASSION SPENT , TONY IS RESTING HIS
HEAD ON HER AMPLE CHEST.TONY IS STILL WEARING A TIE.
Susan:I hope you don't think I do this all the time.I'm not like that,I am
a nice girl I am.I know the others call me a slag behind my back
just because I like a good time.
NO REPLY FROM TONY , HE IS TOO HAPPY , JUST A HUGH SMIRK
Susan:It's just that when I saw you looking at me I just knew I had to do
something.It was now or never.I know you won't belive this but this
was - well you know, it was -SPECIAL.
Tony:I love you.
Susan:You're not just saying that?
Tony:I've liked you , for such a long time ,its just that you seem to be
so happy with all your boyfriends and the like.
Susan:None were ever special, I mean of course I've kissed and the like
but well you know.I've kept my pride if you know what I mean.
Tony:Does that mean?
BEFORE SUSAN CAN REPLY FROM OUTSIDE THEY HEAR LORRAINE'S CRY
OF" GERTIE'S GETTING MARRIED , GERTIE'S GETTING MARRIED"
SO SUSAN SITS UP SUDDENLY , TONY BANGS HIS HEAD ON THE FLOOR.
Susan:Gertie's getting married! I wish I was.
THEN SHE NOTICES TONY RUBBING HIS HEAD
Susan:Did I do that?
Tony:It's nothing.
Susan:Sorry its just the news , didn't you hear Gertie's getting married!
Tony:Would you marry me?
Susan:Are you asking?
Tony:Yes.
Susan:It's not because of this , I'm not on the pill you know.
TONY GULPS
Tony:No , its just that I know you're the one for me.
Susan:Alright then .But I think we should see if we are suited first,you
know live together first.I mean marriage is a big thing and besides
we are both out of a job soon.
Tony:Actually I've got one lined up at the Hypermarket.It's the exams I
took at night school that swung it.
Susan:You are clever , I always knew you had brains , and a nice bum.
SHE GIGGLES THEN THEY EMBRACE , TONY MOANS , HIS HEAD HURTS
Susan:You should put something on that , something cold.
Tony:Alright then.
TONY REACHES OUT AND GRABS A PIECE OF MEAT FROM A HOOK AND
PUTS IT ON HIS HEAD
A MOMENT LATER BEN THE CHINESE STOREMAN OPENS THE FREEZER DOOR
HE SEES A LINE OF WOMENS CLOTHES HANGING ON HOOKS , ON ONE
HOOK A PILE OF MENS CLOTHES , A SMALL HOLE IN THE BACK OF THE
Y FRONTS.THEN BEN SEE THE COUPLE KISSING , BEN GRABS A LARGE
BLACK PUDDING AND RUSHES OUT EMBARASSED.
TONY AND SUSAN LAUGH , HEADS HELD BACK , THE MEAT FROM TONY'S
HEAD FALLS ON SUSAN'S CHEST.SHE SCREAMS BECAUSE OF THE COLD
THEN LAUGHS.IN THE BACKGROUND WE CAN HEAR LORRAINE'S CHANT
OF "GERTIE'S GETTING MARRIED"
FADEOUT
A FEW DAYS LATER
GERTIE IS FLASHING HER RING FROM HER POST AT THE CHECKOUT ,
SUSAN APPROACHES.
Gertie:Where were you and Tony the other day ,we couldn't find you
anywhere.
Susan:Oh we were about.Show us your ring.
Gertie:See how big it is.
GERTIE THRUSTS THE RING UNDER SUSAN'S NOSE
Susan:Very nice I'm sure.When I get married though I'll only have a small
one.Its only a symbol after all.I'd live with my boyfriend first as
well.
Gertie:Well WE will be married as soon as possible.You didn't hear the
full story.
Susan:No.
Gertie:Well you know he wanted my redundancy , well he forgot to add he
wanted to marry me as well, as he was so wrapped up in his plans.
Susan:So everything worked out fine.
Gertie:Yes.
GERTIE THEN LOOKS AROUND CONSPIRATORILY , BEFORE ADDING
Gertie:Don't say anything to anybody but I have a feeling I could be
having a baby ,its too early to say yet but "A Woman Can Tell" .
Susan:Do you want one?
Gertie:Of course , it could be twins too.There's a history of twins in his
family.
Susan:Never.
Gertie:Yes , I think its great.So when we finally close here I'll have a
full time job as a mother and partner in a health food shop.
GERTIE REACHES FOR A BAR OF CHOCOLATE THEN BREAKS IT WITH TWO
FINGERS BEFORE STUFFING HALF A BAR IN HER MOUTH.
Gertie:Do you want some?
Susan:No , I better go and see what Tony wants me to do.
AS SUSAN WALKS AWAY A CUSTOMER IS SERVED , WE HEAR GERTIE SAY
"CAN YOU KEEP A SECRET"....
SUSAN WALKS TO THE BACK OF THE SHOP TONY IS STANDING BY THE
FREEZER.THEY BOTH GO INSIDE.THEN TONY'S ARM APPEARS AND HE
HANGS A STRING OF SAUSAGES ON THE DOOR HANDLE.BEN APPEARS
AND IS ABOUT TO GO INSIDE WHEN HE SEES THE SAUSAGES , SO HE
WALKS AWAY AGAIN.THEN THERE IS A SHOUT OF "HELP BEN".
BEN RUSHES TO SEE WHAT IS UP.WE SEE A LARGE RAT RUNNING ALONG
THE ISLES.BEN CHASES THE RAT AND WITH A DIVE CATCHES IT AND
PUTS IT IN HIS POCKET.A CHORUS OF "WELL DONE BEN" FROM THE
GIRLS , THE RAT IS STILL MOVING INSIDE BEN'S POCKET.
WE FOLLOW BEN AS HE GOES TO THE BACK OF THE SHOP AND INTO THE
STOREROOM/REST AREA.
Ben:My stars say I catch a prize and I have.This one very nice.
BEN WALKS TOWARDS THE COOKER WHERE A SAUCEPAN IS ON THE BOIL
Ben:Mother will like my nice present for her.
FADEOUT ON BEN THEN BACK IN THE STORE
AN OLD WOMAN WITH TWO EMPTY SHOPPING BAGS COMES IN ,SHE SMILES
SWEETLY AT GERTIE ,WE FOLLOW HER AROUND THE STORE AS SHE FILLS
HER SHOPPING BAGS , THEN SHE COMES TOWARDS THE TILL WITH ONE
BAR OF SOAP IN HER HAND.OTHER CUSTOMERS STARE IN DISBELIEF.
Woman:Just the bar of soap.
Gertie:That'll be twenty pence please ,Florence.
Woman:There you are.
Gertie:You do know the store is closing.
Woman:I was told .
THE WOMAN PAUSES FOR A MOMENT.
Woman:I better have some chocolate then.
SHE EMPTIES THE RACK INTO HER BAG , THEN WITH A WAVE AND A
SMILE SHE LEAVES.GERTIE WATCHES HER LEAVE , SHE SMILES.
Gertie:I hope she realises she'll have to pay when she goes to other shops
A CUSTOMER COMES RUNNING UP , SHE POINTS AT FLORENCE
Woman:That lady there , going out just filled her bags up , she's a
shoplifter.
Gertie:That's no way to talk about a retired school teacher.She no thief
either.
Woman:But I saw her .She just filled her bags.
Gertie;She taught Mr Blair .
Woman:But I saw her.
Gertie:So did I , every week for the past ten years.
Woman:Your an accomplice then.
Gertie:IF you let me finish , she's on such a bad pension that Mr Blair
told her to shop here.If he gave her money the Social Security
would cut her money.
Woman:Oh.
Gertie:Do you want to pay for that then.
GERTIE POINTS TO THE PACKET OF NAPPIES THE WOMAN HAS IN HER ARM.
Woman:Er yes.
THE WOMAN SEARCHES IN HER PURSE FOR FOR THE MONEY SHE IS 1p SHORT
Woman:I'm afraid I'm 1p short , can you let me off?
Gertie:This is a shop not a charity.
Woman:I haven't got any more , I really need the nappies.
Gertie:Are you sure?
Woman:Search me.
THE WOMAN SLAPS HER HANDS AT HER SIDE , THEN SHE SUDDENLY REALISES
THAT SHE DOES HAVE A PENNY AFTER ALL.SO LOOKING AROUND THE WOMAN
HITCHES HER SKIRT TO REVEAL HER STOCKING TOP , SHE HAS A PENNY
HOLDING UP THE STOCKING , IN PLACE OF A MISSING CATCH ON HER
CORSET.SHE HANDS THE PENNY TO A RATHER DISGUSTED GERTIE
THE WOMAN WALKS AWAY WITH THE NAPPIES UNDER HER ARM AND ONE OF
HER STOCKINGS FALLING DOWN TO HER ANKLE.
ANOTHER CUMTOMER APPEARS , ITS MRS CLYDE , THE GOSSIP
Mrs Clyde:Hello , Gertie.
Gertie:We haven't seen you for a while?
Mrs Clyde:I've been sick.It was my legs , they have been playing me up.I
got a twinge then another and another till for a finish I could
not walk.
Gertie:Your veins?
Mrs Clyde:Yes my veins.I had an operation on them.Mr doctor , Dr Tweed did
the arranging , a friend of his is a Mister at the hospital ,his
friend did them.He was such a nice man , his hands were so soft,
I'm sure he must use hand cream or something.If I were younger
I'd run away with him.The things these doctors do , my husband
doesn't even do them! I'd slap his face if he did.Well I was in
and out of hospital in four days , its like a conveyor belt in
hospitals nowdays , in one day , under the knife the next day ,
a day or two in bed then they kick you out.You make friends and
hear all their news and just when its getting interesting you
are kicked out , its most annoying.Then you have to make your
recovery all alone at home , its not fair.
Gertie:It's the way of the world.Is it just the domestos ?
GERTIE POINTS TO THE DOMESTOS IN MRS CLYDE'S HAND ,WHO THEN
PAYS FOR THE DOMESTOS , STILL TALKING NON STOP
Mrs Clyde:Yes.It's the only thing that cleans my false teeth.Talking of
teeth , there was one woman in to have her jaws wired together
to help her loose weight.She looked a bit like you really only
not as fat.
GERTIE PULLS A FACE ONLY MRS CLYDE DOES NOT NOTICE
Mrs Clyde:She was a nice person though , I'm sure you'd like her anyway.
Did you hear that Old Mr Crowther is getting married again ,at
his age , he must be 70 , that'll be his third wife.
Gertie:It would be worse if he marriesd the three all at once , like a
bigamist .
Mrs Clyde:I suppose you are right , but old men shouldn't marry when their
poor old wives die , its not natural.Men only want a cook and a
cleaner and cuddle , they are all the same.
ANOTHER CUSTOMER IS WAITING TO PAY BEHIND MRS CLYDE , SHE COUGHS
TO GET NOTICED.MRS CLYDE LOOKS AT HER WATCH
Mrs Clyde:I better be going , I cann't stay here listening to you rattle
on all day.Bye I'll see you again soon.
GERTIE LETS MRS CLYDE WALK A FEW PACES BEFORE SHOUTING
Gertie:You do know the shop is closing soon.
MRS CLYDE STOPS DEAD IN HER TRACKS , SHE HURRIES BACK TO GERTIE
Mrs Clyde:You mean for refurbishment , it does need a lick of paint.
Gertie:No for good.
Mrs Clyde:Nobody told ME.
Gertie:Everybody knows now , except YOU it would seem.
MRS CLYDE IS SPEECHLESS AND LEAVES IN DISGUST , GERTIE TURNS TO
THE CUSTOMER AND SAYS
Gertie:I'm almost glad the shops closing just to see the look on her face
THE CUSTOMER JUST LOOKS MYSTIFIED , PAYS AND WALKS AWAY GERTIE
SAYS TO HERSELF
Gertie:Poor old Mrs Clyde , fancy her not knowing .Normally she can tell
you what you had for breakfast.
TONY WALKS UP AND STOPS NEXT TO GERTIE
Tony:What's that about Mrs Clyde ?
Gertie:She didn't know the shop was to close.
Tony:That's the first time ever we've got one over her.
Gertie:What do you want anyway?
Tony:How's trade?
Gertie:Almost non existant.
Tony:I've an idea , to boost it.I'll go and fetch Susan.
Gertie:You seem to have a thing for Susan lately.
Tony:What's Ben been saying?
Gertie:Nothing , but your face is worth a thousand words.
Tony:But , but , well ,I mean , just stay their and I'll fetch Susan.
TONY WALKS TO THE BACK OF THE SHOP AND TAKES SUSAN BY THE ARM
Tony:Can you do me a favour?
Susan:All right then .
SHE HEADS BACK TO THE DEEP FREEZE , WE SEE BEN REACH FOR A STRING
OF SAUSAGES AND HANG THEM ON THE FREEZER DOOR
Tomy:Not that.
Susan:Well what then?
SHE IS STANDING WITH HER HANDS ON HER HIPS , TONY LEADS HER TO
THE FRONT OF THE SHOP , BEN TAKES THE SAUSAGES DOWN
Tony:Here , can you just sit by the door , facing the street .
Susan:Just sit here.
SUSAN POINTS WITH HER FINGER
Tony:That's right.We have to get the customers in , the more stuff we can
sell the more redundancy we get.
Susan:But I don't understand.
Tony:If we sell more , then Paul can pay the bills and he'll add a bit
extra to the redundancy money.
Susan:I understand that stupid.It's just how can My sitting in the doorway
help?
Tony:Trust me.
Susan:Alright then.
SUSAN KISSES TONY , THEN GRABS A STOOL FROM BEHIND THE OTHER
CHECKOU AND SITS DOWM , CROSSINGS HER LEGS.
Gertie:So you two are sweet.I always said Susan was a nice girl.
Tony:We did want to keep it a secret.
Gertie:A secret in a shop , that's like having a Republican in The Kremlin
WE THEN VIEW SUSAN FROM THE STREET , ALL SHE NEEDS IS A RED LIGHT
THEN SHE WOULD LOOK LIKE AN AMSTERDAM MADAME.THE PLOY WORKS FIRST
A TRICKLE THEN A TIDAL WAVE OF MEN COMING INTO THE SHOP.AT FIRST
THEY BUY SMALL ITEMS , THEN LARGER ITEMS.TILL SHOP IS FULL TO
OVERFLOWING , ALL LEERING AT SUSAN.
(NOTE**** I HAVEN'T LISTED THE DETAILS YOUR DIRECTOR CAN HAVE
FUN DOING THAT ***)
BENNADETTE ARRIVES FOR THE AFTERNOON SHIFT , SHE HAS TO FIGHT
HER WAY INTO THE STORE.SHE STOPS BY THE TILL TO ASK GERTIE WHAT
IS GOING ON.
Bernadette:What's all this then? If we always were as crowded we wouldn't
be closing down.
Gertie:Didn't you notice Susan?
BERNADETTE GOES ON TIP TOES TO SEE SUSAN ON A STOOL AMONGST
THE MELE.
Bernadette:I didn't notice her when I came it what with all the crowds.Why
is she just sitting there?
Gertie:It was Tony's idea , its to draw the crowds.It certainly worked
Bernadette:I think its disgusting.
Gertie:There's more to tell as well , Susan and Tony have got a thing
going.They kissed - right in front of me.
Bernadette:This place is worse than Soddem and Gormora.I'm going to hang
up my coat ,then I'll give Tony a piece of my mind.
BERNADETTE GOES OFF IN A HUFF , LEAVING GERTIE TO SERVE LORRY
DRIVERS CLUTCHING WOMEN'S HAIRSPRAY IN THEIR HANDS , ANYTHING
GRABBED OFF THE SHELVES , JUST SO THEY CAN COME IN AND LEER AT
SUSAN.
WE FOLLOW BERNADETTE TO THE BACK OF THE SHOP , AN OASIS OF CALM
BY THE CHEESE COUNTER.LORRAINE AND JANE ARE THERE.
Bernadette:I think its disgusting what Tony has made Susan do.
Jane:Well it does encourage trade.
Bernadette:But what sort of trade? This is a food shop not a brothel ,Tony
has taken advantage of Susan , he's using her.
LORRAINE STARTS TO GIGGLE
Bernadette:I don't see what you're laughing at young Miss.
Lorraine:It's just that Tony and Susan are - well involved now.
Bernadette:Or so I heard.
Jane:So you heard about the deep freeze?
Bernadette:What are you on about?
BERNADETTE LOOKS PUZZLED AND UNCOMPREHENDING
Jane:Didn't you hear about Ben and what he saw?
Bernadette:I don't know what you are on about.All I do know is that I'm
going to hang up my coat then I'll find Tony and give him a
piece of my mind.
Jane:So you DON'T know about the deep freeze.
Bernadette:No.
JANE MOVES CLOSER TO BERNADETTE AND STARTS TO WHISPER IN HER
EAR.BEFORE SHE DOES SO SHE SAYS TO LORRAINE.
Jane:You stay where you are , you're too young to hear this , its
not fit for an unmarried girl.
SHE WHISPERS IN BERNADETTE'S EAR , BERNADETTE IS SHOCKED SHE
GIGGLES FOR A SECOND THEN IS SHOCKED AGAIN.
Bernadette:And in a deep freeze .
JANE NODS IN AFFIRMATION
Bernadette:It's disgusting.I mean the pair of them , Susan should have
know better.I can understand Gertie and Keith , after all it is
Gertie's last chance to get a man , besides they are going to
get married.But as for Susan and Tony , Why she is no more than
a scarlet woman.Oh , oh this is just terrible.
BERNADETTE GOES OFF IN DISGUST.LORRAINE MOVES CLOSER TO JANE
Lorraine:Come on Jane tell me about the deep freeze.
Jane:You are too young.
Lorraine:Everybody treats me like a kid around here.
LORRAINE PULLS A FACE AND CROSSES HER ARMS , ALL FED UP.
Lorraine:You can at least tell what a scarlet woman is.
Jane:Now I can tell you about that.
LORRAINE LOOKS HOPEFUL AND INTERESTED
Jane:Now a scarlet woman is a friend of a married man , though not his
wife.
Lorraine:You mean a prostitute.
Jane:Well , yes.But not quite that.I is a mistress if you like.I was
reading a book the other day called "The Power Behind the Throne"
it was an anthology concerning the influence of spouses in
history .
LORRAINE LOOKS BLANK
Lorraine:Er , what's an anthology .
JANE SIGHS IN DISGUST AT LORRAINE'S IGNORANCE
Jane:It's a book , it was about woman who influenced history by their
power over men , kings and pioliticians.Like Nell Gwenn an orange
seller who was also the mistress to Charles.Then there's Anthony
and Clepatra in Egypt.
Lorraine:I've seen that film on the telly.
Jane:Then we had the Promufo affair.Where a government minister had a
mistress who he shared with a Russian man
Lorraine:This is really interesting.
Jane:That's what I always say , History IS interesting.
Lorraine:I mean its just like the News of The World.
Jane:Yes - but better.Remember our King gave up the throne for the
woman he loved.
Lorraine:I saw that on TV too.
Jane:I suppose history does make good TV.I just love it , the best
thing that ever happened to me was cleaning for students , if it
wasn't for them I'd never have discovered "History Books".It's
so fasinating.Do you know one king even thought he could tell the
tide not to come in , he sat there in his chair and ordered the
sea not to come in.King Canute was his name.
Lorraine:Pardon! (SHE IS REALLY SURPRIZED)
Jane:Canute I said.
Lorraine:Oh. (SHE GIGGLES NERVOUSLY)
Jane:He got his feet wet anyway , it made him realise he was not
omnipotent.
Lorraine:Yer what!
Jane:He couldn't have everything all his own way.
Lorraine:I bet that taught him a lesson , men are all the same they just
want to have everthing their own way.
Jane:Yes that's true but women have had a big say in History.Think of
Salome for example.She did a dance and as a reward the king gave
her the head of John the Baptist.
Lorraine:Ugh , that's horrid , a human head for a dance.Yuk!
Jane:It was the "Dance of the Seven Veils" . As she danced she removed
one veil after another till none were left.
Lorraine:Sounds like a strip tease to me.
Jane:I suppose it was , but just think because of that one dance
"History" was changed .John the Baptist , the cousin of Jesus was
beheaded.
Lorraine:Doesn't anything nice happen in History.
Jane:Of course it does , its just that History is old news , very old
news in fact.So its like a newspaper in a way.
Lorraine:All bad news , and full of chips the next week.
BERNADETTE RUSHES OUT PAST THEM AT THAT MOMENT AND WE FOLLOW
HER THROUGH THE LUSTING LORRY DRIVERS TO TONY WHO IS THANKING
SUSAN
Tony:Thanks ,Susan . I didn't think it would work this well , its a
bit too good in fact.
Susan:I wouldn't fo this for anybody else.The rest of the girls must
think I am right slag.
Tony:You can stop now then.
SUSAN GET OFF HER STOOL AND EMBRACES TONY , TO MUCH WOLF WHISTLING
FROM THE LORRY DRIVERS AND THE ODD SHOUT OF "GIVE HER ONE" .
BERNADETTE COMES UP TO THEM AND PULLS THEM APART.
Bernadette:This is disgraceful , first you put her on display like so much
meat.
Crowd:I wouldn't mind a few pounds of that.
LAUGHTER FROM THE CROWDS
Bernadette:Now you cavort in front of a crowd.I've never kissed my husband
in public , never in my whole life.
Tony:But.
Bernadette:I don't want to hear any excuses.I'm glad this shop is closing
before we sink ever deeper into a sea of filth.
SHE THEN GRABS SUSAN BY THE ARM AND STARTS TO WALK AWAY
Bernadette:You can come with me ,Madame.
Susan:We were stopping anyway.
Bernadette:It didn't look like that to me.And why was your tongue in his
mouth?
AS SUSAN IS DRAGGED AWAY SHE BLOWS TONY A KISS , THE CROWD
OF LORRY DRIVERS CHEER , TONY LIMPLY WAVES BACK.TONY THEN
TURNS TO THE DRIVERS
Tony:I'm afraid the show's over lads.
Driver:What about tomorrow?
Tomy:It was a once only , never to be repeated special offer.
THE DRIVERS LEAVE WITH COMMENTS LIKE "I WISH IT WAS LIKE THIS
IN TESCOS" . AND VARIOUS BELLY LAUGHS.ONE FAT DRIVER STANDS
BY GERTIE.GERTIE FLASHES HER RING THEN THE DRIVER LEAVES , HE
IS DEJECTED.GERTIE IS ALL SMILES , IT HAS MADE HER DAY IN FACT
TONY GOES TO TALK TO GERTIE.
Tony:Well it certainly helped clear the shelves.
Gertie:I was propositioned too!
Tony:I hope it didn't upset you.
Gertie:Of course not.I made my day.
GERTIE SIGHS AND LOOKS UPWARDS , TONY SCRATCHES HIS HEAD , PAUL
WALKS IN AT THAT MOMENT .
Paul:What happened to the crowd , they all just left.
HE LOOKS AND SEES EMPTY SHELVES
Tony:We had a sales gimick that's all.It should all help towards paying
the redundancies.What news have you got for us anyway?
Paul:Well ,I've come to say you can all finish now , I've sold the lot ,
I've got the checks in my pocket , no need to work the rest of the
three months.
Gertie:You Mean its all over.
Paul:Afraid so.it hurts me as much as it hurts you , I was born in this
shop , right where you are sitting now.
GERTIE LOOKS AROUND HER , AS IF SHE WILL SEE A MOTHER IN CHILD
BIRTH , ALL SHE SEES ARE CRUSHED SALES SLIPS AND MUD FROM THE
LORRY DRIVER'S BOOTS
Paul:Can you call everybody here then ,Tony.
Tony:All right.
TONY WALKS AWAY TO FETCH THE STAFF
Paul:You know dad and me will give you all glowing references , I just
hope you get all get fixed up .Have you any plans , Gertie?
Gertie:Actually , I'm getting married and setting up in business , we hope
to have a shop of our own.
Paul:That's good , what kind of shop , a small grocers perhaps?
Gertie:A health food shop.Me and Keith will run it.
Paul:Is that big Keith the sales rep?
Gertie:Yes. (FULL Of PRIDE)
Paul:So you and Bernadette at least will be ok.
Gertie:Yes- best of all I may be pregnant and it could be twins as twins
run in Keith's family.
Paul:I'm really pleased for you .You really deserve it.
PAULS GIVES GERTIE A HUG , SHE WOBBLES ON HER STOOL , BUT WITH A
BIG EFFORT MANAGES TO STAY ON.
Paul:We may as well celebrate .
PAUL GOES TO WHAT'S LEFT OF THE DRINKS DISPLAY AND GRABS SOME
WINE.GERTIE FOLLOWS HIS LEAD AND GRABS SOME CHOLOLATE , SNAPPING
IT IN HALF WITH TWO FINGERS.THE GIRLS GATHER , TONY AND SUSAN
FETCH SOME GLASSES FROM THE SHELVES.BEN ARRIVES WITH A MEAT
CLEAVER IN HIS HAND , HE WIPES THE BLOOD ON HIS BUTCHERS BIB ,
THEN OPENS THE BOTTLES WITH HIS KNIFE.DRINKS ARE POURED.THEN
PAUL PROPOSES A TOAST.
Paul:To the best workers a man could every ask for.
THEY DRINK THE TOAST
Paul:I've got your checks here , you'll all be paid what's due and a
bonus too as you are the flagship shop.
THE CHECKS ARE HANDED OUT , THE GIRLS DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.
Gertie:Thanks , Paul.We all have had a happy time working here.
Ben:You like my family.
Gertie:Yes one big happy family.
AT THAT MOMENT THE DOOR SWING OPEN , BILL THE DRIVER FOR BLAIRS
COMES IN , HE HAS A BLACK EYE.THE GIRLS COO AROUND HIM
Jenny:What happened?
Bill:The wife hit me she wants a divorce.
GERTIE WHISPERS TO BERNADETTE
Gertie:It took her long enough.
Jenny:The bitch , oh my poor Bill.
JENNY EMBRACES THE POT BELLIED , UNSHAVED , ONE EARRINGED FORM
OF BEN.AS THEY EMBRACE BEN SQUEEZES JENNY'S BUM.BERNADETTE IS
DISGUSTED , SHE WHISPERS BACK TO GERTIE
Bernadette:He's little more than an animal , he looks like a pirate and
has the manners of a pig.
Gertie:A rabbit from what I've heard.
BERNADETTE DOES NOT UNDERSTAND , TILL GERTIE SAYS "YOU KNOW"
Bernadette:How dreadful, the beast.
BERNADETTE TAKES A LONG DRINK FROM HER GLASS , AS THE THOUGHT OF
BILL HAS LEFT A HORRIBLE TASTE IN HER MOUTH.
BILL HAS FINISHED GRAPLING WITH JENNY SO HE GRABS A GLASS , HE
TAKES HIS YORKIE BAR OUT AND DIPS IT INTO THE WINE , BEFORE
EATING A CHUNK OF THE YORKIE BAR , THEN FINISHING OFF THE WINE.
BILL THEN BURPS AND SCRATCHES HIS BUM.THEN HE HEADS FOR THE DISPLAY
TO HELP HIMSELF TO A FOUR PACK.
Bill:Wine is fine , but its for puffs it you ask me.
HE KNOCKS BACK THE FIRST CAN
TONY IS STANDING BY SUSAN , HE PUTS DOWN HIS WINE AND PICKS UP
A CAN OF BEER INSTEAD.SUSAN SPOTS THIS AND SMILES , SHE WHISPERS
IN HIS EAR.
Susan:No need to do that , you are ALL man.
SHE WINKS AT TONY, HE BLUSHES
Tony:I prefer lager.
SUSAN LOOKS DISBELIEVING
Tony:Honest.
SUSAN STILL LOOKS DISBELIEVING
Susan:You said the opposite in the wine bar the other day.
Tony:I don't remember.
Susan:Liar.
TONY PUTS THE CAN DOWN AND PICKS UP HIS GLASS AGAIN
Susan:I still love you , even if you are a puff.
TONY OPENS HIS MOUTH TO COMPLAIN , SUSAN KISSES HIM , THEY GET
CARRIED AWAY.BERNADETTE IS AGAIN DISGUSTED.SHE SPEAKS TO LORRAINE
Bernadette:What is the world coming to sex , sex , sex everywhere.
Lorraine:I must be going to the wrong places.
Bernadette:Have you no shame.
Lorraine:I don't get a chance to have any.I wonder is it my spots that
put boys off.
PAUL IS NOW TALKING TO GERTIE.
Paul:I tried everything but the competition is so fierce nowadays.
Gertie:You did your best.
PAUL POURS A VERY LARGE MEASURE OF WHISKEY INTO HIS GLASS , AND
DRINKS IT BEFORE REFILLING IT.
Gertie:Steady on there , you're driving.
Paul:I feel like a failure , I feel terrible , I don't think I'll ever
be happy again.
BEN HAS HAD HIS BACK TO THEM WHILE THEY TALK , HE HEARS THIS
Ben:You no well , I give you soup make you feel very well.It old Chine
receipe.My grandmother teach it me.You wait her I fetch .I give it
to you , to everybody.
BEN GOES AWAY TO FETCH HIS SOUP.ONE OR TWO CUSTOMERS FILTER IN
AND JOIN THE PARTY
Paul:He's a nice person , he likes to help everybody , but not even his
soup will help.I feel a failure.I even tried the pools , in a vain
hope I'd win.
PAUL IS QUITE DRUNK BY NOW , IT'S MADE HIM MOROSE
JANE THE CLEANER ARRIVES AT THIS POINT , SHE STOPS BY GERTIE AND
PAUL.
Gertie:Hello , Jane.This one is yours.
GERTIE HANDS JANE AN ENVELOPE WITH THE FINAL CHECK IN IT.
Jane:This is the final payoff I suppose.
Paul:The final payday , my old friend
PAUL IS SWAYING AND HE LEANS ON JANE FOR SUPPORT , HE THEN SLIDES
DOWN HER BODY TILL HE REACHES THE FLOOR.THERE HE SITS PROPTED UP
BY THE CASHDESK.
Gertie:If you were younger Jane , I'd be disgusted with the pair of you.
Jane:Don't be so cheeky , you little monkey.
Gertie:I'm only joking , here have a drink.
GERTIE PASSES JANE A DRINK , BEN RETURNS WITH A BIG SAUCEPAN OF HIS
SOUP , HE HAS A LADLE , IN THE SAUCEPAN , UP ONE ARM ARE LITTLE
BOWLS , HE LOOKS THE PART -AS A WAITER.
Ben:I bring soup , you try?
Gertie:Go on then.
Jane:I'll have a little bit too.
Ben:Where Paul?
GERTIE POINTS DOWNWARDS , PAUL IS CRADLING BOTTLE OF JOHNIE WALKER
BEN SERVES GERTIE AND JANE THEN HE BENDS DOWN TO SERVE PAUL
Ben:You try soup , make you better.
Paul:I'm a failure , I'm going to Spain in disgrace.
Ben:You try soup , you feel better.
Paul:I want to die , just bury me in a bottle , a giant bottle of this.
PAUL HOLDS UP HIS BOTTLE , AND TAKES A SWIG.BEN PUTS SOME SOUP IN A
BOWL THEN FEEDS PAUL LIKE A BABY .
Ben:You drink , you feel better.
Gertie:This soup is good .
Jane:Here give it to me I'll serve the others while you see to Paul.
Ben:Ok, first I fill his bowl again.
BEN FILLS PAULS BOWL AGAIN THEN JANE TAKES THE SAUCEPAN AND BOWLS
JANE THEN SERVES THE OTHERS.(*** NOTE...AS WELL AS THE GIRLS MENTION
ED THERE WILL BE 5 OR SO OTHERS IN THE BACKGROUND THROUGHOUT****)
EVRYBODY SAYS "THIS IS NICE AND WORDS LIKE THAT". KEITH ARRIVES
HE LOOKS PUZZLED BY THE PARTY TAKING PLACE.
Keith:What's this , getting drunk at work hey?
Gertie:No, its Paul's idea , he's paid us off so we are having a party
before we go.
Keith:Don't I get a drink then?
Gertie:Don't I get a kiss then?
THEY LOCK IN AN EMBRACE LIKE SUMO WRESTLERS , BERNADETTE MAKES
HER WAY THROUGH THE CROWD.SHE IS MUTTERING AS SHE MAKES HER WAY
Bernadette:It's like Soddam and Gormorra , Tony and Susan are trying to
eat one another and as for Bill and Jenny , they've disappeared
into the back of his lorry.I daren't think what they are doing.
At least you have some sense Gertie.
AT THIS POINT SHE ACTUALLY NOTICES GERTIE AND KEITH ,SHE IS SHOCKED
Bernadette:This is terrible , where is Paul , he must put a stop to this.
SHE LOOKS DOWN AND SEES PAUL POURING WHISKEY INTO HIS SOUP , BEN IS
SITTING BESIDES HIM , BOTH ARE DRUNK
Bernadette:If this is what it's come to then I'm glad we are closing.
SHE GOES OFF IN A HUFF.AT THIS POINT THE BIN MEN ARRIVE , SO JANE
GIVES THEM SOUP AND A DRINK .THEY CLEAR A LITTLE RUBBISH THEN JOIN
THE PARTY.THE WINDOW CLEANER ALSO ARRIVES WITH A YOUNG YOUTH WHO
IS COVERED IN SPOTS.
Jane:Who's the lad.
Window:He's my young lad , he's taking over the business , I'm going to
Cleaner:retire to Spain.I'm too old to be walking he streets.
WE SEE BERNADETTE WALK PAST AS HE SAYS THIS , SHE IS DISGUSTED AND
HURRIES AWAY.
Bernadette:I'll get my coat then I'll leave this den of inequity.
THROUGH THE CROWD , LORRAINE SPOTS THE WINDOW CLEANERS SON , HE
SEES HER , THEIR EYES MEET THEY ARE DRAWN TO ONE ANOTHER.
Lorraine:Hello , who are you? (SHE FANCIES HIT SOMETHING ROTTEN)
Dennis:I'm Dennis , your new window cleaner.(HE'S SMITTEN)
Lorraine:But we're closing down.
Dennis:So I won't see you again.
Lorraine:Well I've got a job in the cake shop upo the road .
Dennis:Well I will see you again , I do all this street.
LORRAINE SMILES SHE IS SO HAPPY , AS IS DENNIS.
Lorraine:Do you want a drink?
Dennis:All right , but I get tiddly really easily.
Lorraine:And me.
THEY SMILE , WE SWITCH BACK TO THE CASH DESK , PAUL IS NOW ON HIS
FEET , HE IS TALKING TO THE WINDOW CLEANER,IN SLURRED TONES
Paul:So your going to Spain.
W/cleaner:To the Costa Blanca
Paul:I'm going there too , I'll be going into the property business.
W/cleaner:I'm hoping to buy a little place there.
Paul:Where exactly will you be?
W/cleaner:Pueblo Azul.
Paul:I'm going there!
W/cleaner:That's a coincidence,we'll be neighbours.
Paul:Have you bought yet.
W/cleaner:Not yet.
Paul:Well I can help you there.
WE SWITCH TO THE BACK OF THE SHOP , BERNADETTE IS MAKING HER WAY
OUT OF THE SHOP , SHE IS PUTTING HER HAT AND COAT ON.SHE IS VERY
DISGUSTED WITH EVERYBODY.A DRUNKEN SING SONG HAS STARTED.
Bernadette:I'll just say goodbye to Lorraine then I'll go home.At least
she's got some sense.
SHE THEN COMES ACROSS A "SPOTTY ENCOUNTER" , LOCKED IN AN
EMBRACE
Bernadette:How disgusting.Lorraine what are you doing.
Lorraine:I don't know what it's called but its wonderful.
DENNIS AND LORRAINE SMILE SHEEPISHLY.
Bernadette:Well Madame you can come home now ,I'll have a word with your
mother.
SHE TAKES LORRAINE BY THE ARM AND DRAGS HER AWAY ,DENNIS IS
SADDENED.LORRAINE SHOUTS BACK TO DENNIS.
Lorraine:I'll see you outside Woolies at 7.30 on Friday.
Dennis:Ok.See you.
WITH THAT LORRAINE DRAGGED BY BERNADETTE LEAVE THE SHOP , ON
THE PAVEMENT BERNADETTE BLESSES HERSELF AND SHAKES THE DUST OFF
HER SHOES BEFORE SHE DRAGS LORRAINE OFF.DENNIS HAS FOLLOWED
THEM TO THE DOOR HE WAVES GOODBYE.THE "SPOTTY LOVERS" BLOW
KISSES OF FAREWELL.DENNIS'S DAD WALKS UP BEHIND HIM
W/Cleaner:It's lucky we came in here, I've found a bargain .
Dennis:So have I , dad.
HIS DAD LOOKS PUZZLED , WITH THAT THEY LEAVE , PUSHING THEIR
BARROW WITH LADDERS IN FRONT OF THEM.
INSIDE JANE IS TALKING TO BEN
Jane:That soup of your's was very good.What was it?
Ben:Old recipe.In English you call it Rat soup.
Jane:I suppoase it's ok , I mean in the Franco-Prussian war the French ate
them , that's why they are famous for sauces.They made sauces to hide
the taste of the rats.
Ben:My Grandmother was in France a long time ago.
Jane:So she do it from there.
A BINMAN COMES UP TO JANE
Binman:We have to get back to the depo now.
Jane:Hang on , you can give me a lift.
JANE DASHES TO GET HER COAT , THE BINMAN HAS A WORD WITH BEN
Binman:That soup was very good , what was it.
Ben:Rat soup , like the French used to make it.
Binman:Your a joker .
THE BINMAN LAUGHS AND TELLS HIS CREW THEY ALL LAUGH , JANE
RETURENS THEN SHOUTS "BYE" BEFORE LEAVING ON THE DUST CART
THE OTHERS SOON TRICKLE AWAY TILL ONLY PAUL ,TONY AND SUSAN
ARE LEFT IN THE SHOP. TONY AND SUSAN LOOK DOWN AT PAUL
Susan:He looks so sad , he feels he's a failure.
Tony:He's brilliant at getting drunk.
WE LOOK DOWN AT A REALLY SOZZLED PAUL
Susan:He's much to drunk to drive home.
Tony:We cann't just leave him here.
Susan:Why not ring his dad?
Tony:He's dad's so frail he couldn't lift him.
Susan:We could lock the shop then push the keys back through the letter
box.
Tony:Ok we'll do that.
SO SUSAN AND PAUL TURN THE LIGHTS OFF AND LEAVE THE SHOP , LOCKING
IT THEN PUSHING THE KEYS BACK THROUGH THE LETTER BOX.WE FOLLOW
TONY AND SUSAN DOWN THE ROAD , AS THEY WALK AWAY A MAN RUSHES PAST
THEM CARRYING A BRIEFCASE.
Susan:He's in a hurry.
Tony:At least we can relax now , for a week before we start our new jobs.
THEY WAL A BIT MORE DOWN THE ROAD
Susan:Let's just have one last look.
Tony:Just one last look.
THEY TURN TO SEE THE SHOP FOR A LAST TIME , THE MAN IN A HURRY
IS TRYING THE DOORS.
Tony:I better go back to see what he wants.
Susan:Oh no you don't , Blairs is the past , its the future we have to
look forward too.
Tony:Oh , if you insist.
Susan:I do.
SUSAN GIVES HIM A PECK ON THE CHEEK , THEN THEY TURN THEIR BACKS
ON BLAIRS AND WALK AWAY.AS THE CREDITS ROLE WE HEAR SUSAN SAY.
Susan:You know that man trying the door.
Tony:You think I should go back.
Susan:No , its just that he reminds me of the pools collector.
Tony:No , it cann't be.
FADEOUT...THE END