Start the Year with a Bang ©
By
Michael Casey
Well 2017 is nearly gone, this will be the first piece of 2018. It has been an eventful and painful year in my family. Some of it I’ll share the rest will never be revealed. My sister’s car was in a crash and is a total write off, it was towed away never to return. Luckily she was not inside it, or she’d be dead. It was locked and parked and stationary, and she was inside the warmth of her own home. There was a loud bang in the street and that was the end of her car. Smashed and squashed into a lamppost.
It may have been God’s way of telling her to slow down as she is always busy. It has been very icy in Birmingham and where we live those roads are always lasts to defrost. Luckily our trip to my brother’s for the Christmas family gathering was event free just days earlier was event free. Apart from the lead being stolen from his bay window. His dog had frightened the thieves away but they had returned the next day to finish stealing the lead at 5am or so in the morning.
So a crash and a theft. At least I managed to get to Mass at Christmas and today. Though I’ve just had 2 days of back agony. I had a bath at 2.30am in an attempt to sooth my back, that kind of worked. I told my Shanghai wife I need a Korean masseuse, but that’ll only happen if Kim joins a K-Pop band and there are 2,000,000 Korean Army Girls looking for a new occupation.
I know this is classed a Politically incorrect on many levels, but people should grow up. On the BBC Radio we have a comedy show with Samantha as an assistant. And the guests make remarks about her. So some Politically Correct people complained to the BBC. Guess what, Samantha does not even exist, she is a comic device.
Just as Boris and Lech are comic devices is some of my stories. Though I was in the Polish shop and somebody said to me that Boris must be Ukrainian as he was so stupid. And Lech might really be Russian, as he can drink only 13 bottles of vodka, but if he were Polish he’d wouldn’t drink anything except milk. I hope you now all understand what a comic device is. Pathos too is self explanatory, but that might divert into fantasy, which is not allowed in today’s all too PC world.
True but you won’t believe this there was once somebody at the office where I worked who had fantasies about me, I never knew,one of the lads told me on strict condition I never revealed it. It was a long time ago. I was amazed, I could not even speak. Yes it was a woman, Boris I’ll take that saucer of milk away from you if you say a word. Lech you can stop smirking or I’ll tell everybody your secret, I’ve never ever heard of maths text books being used that way, you are such as naughty naughty boy.Let’s just say we’ll discover how good his multiplication is in nine months time, or it might just be his self control.
Where was I, sat here in front of the computer wincing, wincing not mincing Boris, there is a difference. Wincing with a bit of pain, no its not a metaphor Lech, can you just leave the room, and take that Maths teacher with you. What’s that on your lips Lech, lipstick, oh it’s not yours its the Maths’ teachers. You were sharing. Looks like you were plastering each others’ face. Oh, you are a builder. Good, you look as if you are building a family judging the lipstick marks. Here let me throw this maths book after you. He’s such a nuisance Lech is.
I really have forgotten where I was now, so I’ll have a pee and come back refreshed. Just had some lemon drink, its supposed to be good for the kidneys. I just remembered I spotted a site which had 11,000 views of a book of mine. They have not sent me a penny, if I won some money I could help my sister buy a new car now she has nothing as it was destroyed.
Is where the ebooks can be bought, just in case you have all forgotten.
I can hear a jingling and a jangling, Santa is not stuck up the chimney, its the cat Totoro. She did not come home pregnant, just full of fleas, so my wife has washed her and we put a new flea collar on her along with some flea vaccine. She’s drying out sat in the front window, rather like an Amsterdam prostitute. Boris and Lech you can both stop smirking, go outside and read some more maths books, and Boris where is your History homework, I want that 3000 word essay before you can go out drinking in the New Year. Don’t give me that ice hockey look, you have 4 hours, so just do it. You’re Polish, so make it 5000 words, Polish workers are so fast and hard working. Remember I have a Chinese wife, so you can guess the standards she wants.
Well while Lech plays with his tables, he’s a waiter too, as well as a builder and lover of all things to do with multiplication, so I’ll go and have some Polish ham and Polish mayonaisey. Boris doesn’t really hate me for making him do his History homework, he’s a PhD now. All the girls think PhD is a metaphor for something. But Boris Johnson now HE does hate me, everybody thinks I’m really talking about HIM. Theresa May starts Cabinet meetings by reading my latest piece out, just to annoy him. That’s why there is all the banging on tables in cabinet and 1922 meetings, they are all laughing at Boris.
Ok, I’m only joking but I’ll make a prediction, Boris will never be PM, because Boris is just a comic device in my imagination, and Lech would be speechless without him. Happy New Year my readers the world over, in all 26 plus countries, please spread my comic words like butter and maybe I’ll sell some ebooks, finally.
