Picking Winners

Picking Winners ©

By Michael Casey

Just a footnote before I begin, and yes it’s at the beginning just to annoy the purists, I write for the ears, I did listen to BBC Radio 4 for 20 plus years before I began writing 30 years ago, that’s 50 years in total, so layout and punctuation is not perfect if you are just a Reader. It’s what is said not the perfect perfection of layout that matters. 

You may be lain in bed being fed grapes, either by your lover, or by your mum because you are in a hospital bed as you drove too fast on your way to your lover’s bed. So try and get somebody to read this to you whether you are in bed or in a classroom. And if you are in a classroom your Teacher could become your Lover, and you could become President, of France, On Verra.

Now where was I? Yes I’m here on the page, my words all naked before you, don’t try and imagine me like that, as you’ll be very sick, not unless you like Orangutans. And yes I throw in the odd word just to see if you are listening, you may be in a school dormitory somewhere, or in your dad’s new garden shed ready to right your new memoir.

Shall I begin? Are you sitting comfortably, ok I know Lech is as drunk as a skunk in a corner, you can wake him up later and tell him the best bits. By the way Lech doesn’t really exist he is just a figment of my imagination as are you my Readers, Pakistan and Spain joined my crew today, have you got nothing better to do, or are you a former English student of mine trying to track me down?

Ok, I’ll begin, I just need to rearrange my cushions, when you are 110kilos this is important, or 17.5stones if you want my real weight, about as much as the new Heavy Weight Boxing Champ. So how do you pick winners such as the new boxing champ? He’s good to his mum I want him to beat the Ukrainian guy, or he looks taller so I want him to win.

The Inland Revenue were on their knees praying he’d win, the tax take is enormous. If he were to keep on winning then they’d get millions. The Chancellor and Mrs May were watching together in Downing Street, knock his block off, uppercut, body blow, left hook, right hook, combination, give him everything you’ve got, knock him out the ring.

Mrs May isn’t a natural boxing fan but with this Election and Brexit on her hands she has to get the anger out her system before she has to go into the Ring with the EU. It helps her when she is talking about Jezza too, the mental strength she needs, watching a bit of boxing gets her juices flowing. She has her line ready too, Geography is History, she learnt that when she was at Oxford.

She was only the Vicar’s Daughter but just wait till Christmas, that’s when she’ll dump the Brexit because she’s got her super majority. And the EU will be left holding the baby. The EU nationals’ rights is a red herring, reciprocity was always the plan, but you don’t tell everybody everything like a 5 year old.

See I’ve picked a winner, or a loser, but the winner does take it all just ask Abba.

How do you pick winners? Oh he is just so handsome, and he likes older women, so I might stand a chance with him too, I’m 87, I WAS A TEACHER TOO. If I wave more do you think he’ll come over here and give me a French kiss. Mais Oui Madame, non je suis Mademoiselle.

I love his ties, they always tangle so low like a pendulum covering his flies, and his tan, he looks so Healthy, and Orange. He looks so nice, like a Born Again Minister, his teeth are good too, does it say on the flyer who his dentist is? If we wave a lot do you think he will come over here and talk about his Policies. Forget the policies, just get his dentist’s number.

She looks so serious, like a head teacher who’s caught you behind the bike shed

 with the head girl. I don’t know if I like her or not, she is reliable, but I fancy 

a change. Maybe if we give her the address of your dressmaker, Carl Lagerfeld? 

No Dummkopf, I really must return those  gloves, the fingertips were missing. 

No HansKneesandBumpserDaisy, they could make her a nice new orange dress, 

just like Mrs May’s.

What about Putin, do you think he lose? No, my friend  Mickhail has the contract

 to print the results for the next 15 years and he says there is no change due.

 But Putin does have a nice smile, and he is an action man, he can do so many

 things so well. I heard he was going to drive a nuclear submarine next, 

North Korea sea and so on.

Who do you think will be the next Pope? God Knows.