Alternative Swearing ©
By Michael Casey
Swearing is the norm nowadays, but if it defuses anger and prevents physical violence then I’d say it’s a good thing, it’s a safety valve. In the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Universe “Belgium” was
the worse thing that could be said. Nowadays everybody swears in films,
American TV is very strict so that when it comes to films all the
swears that could not be said on tv are said on film. I remember
watching Saturday Night Fever when it first came out and thinking they
don’t need all this swearing, and later the film was edited so that it
got a lower certification and more people could enjoy John Travolta, as
you all know I am Birmingham’s answer to John Travolta.
Now how to we prevent the air going blue, so that the ladies don’t blush and aren’t offended by all the language. I was talking to
Bernard Manning the other day, well in my imagination anyway, and he
gave me loads of ideas, as did Lennie Bruce, they share a cloud together
in Heaven, it’s a blue cloud of course. You aren’t calling me a
“flowering petal” are you? I’ll be very angry if you are, “you’re just a custard cream anyway” Now don’t look at me with that tone of voice or I’ll “dip your biscuit in my tea” and there won’t be any “sugar in it either” Are you calling me a “Politician, take it back you table you” ok, so we’ve all calmed down a bit.
“Politician” is the rudest word of all in the
alternative swearing dictionary, though don’t broadcast this but I was
once called “A lollypop lady”, I nearly used a “liquorice” on the person
who called me it. Our local MP is a bit of a “custard
pie” it must be true it’s written on all the bus shelters. Tell me why
he is a custard pie, that I cannot deny, he really IS a custard pie.
What do politicians, real politicians call themselves? Honest as the day is long is what politicians call themselves, but in reply the press corps call
them “A bunch of Daylight Savings, fiddling with the minute hands”
which sounds about right. Just a moment I can hear my phone ringing, no
not another metaphor, my phone really is ringing.
I’m a bit flustered, that phone call was the worst I’ve ever had in my life, an hour of heavy breathing, then the lady called me, I can’t bring myself to repeat what she said, it was so shocking, an hour of heavy breathing from a lady I can handle, but she just called me a “political WRITER”.
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