Missing Broadband

this is from 3 years ago july 2017

Missing Broadband ©

By

Michael Casey

Well we are still waiting for our new broadband to arrive, the phone switch was painless but the actual Broadband part of it has not arrived yet. My girls went down the library to use their Wifi, only to discover that the actual broadband could take at least 10 days to arrive. They interrogated Google to find out when their lifeblood would arrive, and girls wanting Broadband can be very very nasty, Google hobbled away tears streaming down his face. But at least he now knew never to upset the Casey girls, or my big daughter knew exactly how to hurt him, she did take not one but 2 Maths exams simultaneously. So Google put that in your pipe and smoke it, or my big daughter aided and abetted by her little sister would ask you to compute MC=4C, and that only had one answer that not even Dr Who would be able to find.

Which brings me to what exactly have I been doing while the wait is on. As I’ve said in another piece its all so quiet in the Casey household, but what about me the Master of the house. By the Master I don’t mean Missy the nemesis of Dr Who, though I’d kill to be able to wear her clothes, the Evil Marry Poppins look, but I digress comme d’habitude. So what exactly have I, the Master, ok the ignored dad, being doing?

Well I’ve been tidying up the files on the computer, a decade of stuff, and versions of stuff and copies of stuff, and a bit of this and a bit of that. I have gained 20gig, yes 20 gig of space, which is more that some of the new flipperty giberbert, fancy bendy over contortionist laptop, hand held computer thingys have. As its all in the Cloud, where hackers can steal all your embarrassing photos and sell them to the Sunday Newspapers.

Nobody has ever taken such photos of me, if ever I become a famous writer or radio star, then women will flock to me, just to take photos to blackmail me. But this is doomed to failure, not because I would not be tempted, but because there is not a wide angle camera invented with a lens good enough to take snaps of my fat hairy arse.

But I’ve digress, put that picture or non picture out of your mind, go have a stiff drink then return to my page. Shall I continue, I will then, I’ve had the last the Pepsi from the fridge, now where was I? Yes, what have I been up to? Apart from tidying up my words, my babies, I have pruned my files so there is more space on my computer, an old fashioned desktop PC, though I have a large screen. At my age I need to see things, if ever I make money I’d buy a large screen Apple thingy. I also did the usual 10 off site securities to media. Remember I was a computer operator for decades so backups are my bread and butter, and my stories are much more important to me than mere work files.

As for my Internet habits, what do I miss. I miss my Daily Telegraph, though as I don’t have a subscription I cannot read all the stuff. If they want to donate a subscription to me that would be nice. At the moment it’s a bit like being in a strip club and the stripper removes her gloves and high heels and slips off her evening dress. Then NOTHING, because The Daily Telegraph paywall kicks in. I want to see what Tim Stanley has to offer or Michael the Deacon, and all the other stuff. So aroused but disappointed I have to flick to the Guardian then The Daily Mail, or I would usually only my Broadband has gone AWOL, well for 10 days at least. I could kick Google in its Al Gore, or some other Politician. Only I cannot, not unless I go down the road to the Library.

So gently simmering in my own juices, and I’ve never been much of a cook, apart from beans on toast with 3 free range eggs mixed in. It’s good for your heart, your heart I said are you as deaf as a fart? I miss my morning Press review. I watch the evening version on tv, and I do watch Sky and BBC Press previews on the computer while the family is watching tv. So not having my broadband means I’m suffering withdrawl symptoms, No Norman Smith or Laura and her gold coloured chav bag, no Sky human interest angle on events. I cannot mix and match my habits, my media habits as I pass my day writing stories and having a think, in-between my many visits to the toilet, Ckd does that to you, its not just being a journalist.

Though I have an idea for a story, it’ll be in the finale of Tears for a Butcher, Where the story is just so big, so important that when the Sky reporter rings his editor he gets the best command ever in the life of any journalist. BUY THE PUB. Rupert is on a visitation to Sky Centre, Big Sid the butcher has been shot 3 times defending his friends, his life is in the balance. If he lives he’ll get the George Medal. So the reporters are all gathered outside Dudley Road Hospital, in the bar of the Windmill Pub, they are going to be thrown out as its Closing Time. Its then that Rupert with ink in his veins says into the ear of the Editor. BUY THE PUB. NUJ membership allows entry into the bar, immediately a private members club.

Well I’ll leave that idea with you for now, I may or may not ever get around to writing Tears for a Butcher, If Rupert wants to donate a fast typing legal secretary I could finish that sequel in time for the Christmas market. Or a sober journalist would do, they are very fast typists after all. Though finding a non drinking journalist might be as hard as finding an honest politician.

Another of my habits is music, I have background music as I write, though at the moment I’ve had none as I talk to you today. Spotify is good, the Free version has a few adverts but it it worth a try. I’ve been listening to the Beatles Sergeant Pepper album recently, and singing along. Wednesday Morning is my favourite track at the moment. You can track down Michael Jackson’s History album too, that’s really good. I did have a copy of the album once but its disappeared from the house.

Broadband gives you a Window on the world, as Bill Gates will testify, we need to make sure it stays free of regulation that’ll allow totalitarian governments destroy it. Having said that Facebook and Google and the like should pay their fair share of taxes. 20% is fair, other companies pay, so should they,and none of this fiddling. Any big company can play the altruist card, and even run for President, and how can they afford to do all that? They are not paying their taxes by exploiting the very people they claim they want to lead and show a better path too. Pay your taxes, everybody else does, or are you using broadband as a tool to fool. Broadband is to educate, inform and entertain, and not to profane in all but name.