It Aint half hot, mum 2929

It Aint half hot, mum ©

By Michael Casey

The title refers to a top comedy show from long ago, based on an Army Entertainers group, nowadays it would not be Politically Correct, but I’m using the title because it is just too hot, and I want to test your attitudes and tolerances. Round the Horne was a top radio show from 1965 to 1968 on the BBC, and no it’s nothing to do with sex, it did have much innuendo and Camp comedy and so forth. It was ahead of its time and the Law too. You can find it online, and you will laugh like a drain, if you don’t then maybe you should not be reading me either. I am very eclectic and have broad tastes, as well and a fat belly to prove it, though I look 25 kilos less than I am. I weigh more  than Tyson Fury but he is 11 inches taller. So don’t ever make me angry or the hulk or is it the bulk in me will show you my fists of fury, I am no Saxon, but you have been warned.

It’s aways best to amuse your reader, so hello to my reader trapped in the toilet, I can hear him banging on the bathroom door, or is it my neighbour next door, Taylor Swift is not her cup of tea, she wouldn’t even give her 8/10. One reviewer did just that, and now she’s getting death threats, come on Taylor stop dusting my high shelves and tell folks to get a life, and let her alone. None of my readers would threaten others, you did not love Michael Casey the fat silver haired writer in shades from Birmingham England, so die. This is ridiculous, almost as bad as Taylor Swift’s dusting skills, I only keep her on because she needs the exercise, otherwise she’d be as  fat as me. Ok, Taylor stand where the Christmas tree will be and sing your songs, and I’ll give you a left over donut, they are a bit stale, but Totoro our cat won’t eat them.

Now Taylor is ever so happy, but in between songs she has to sew some buttons on my shirt, no not because my fat belly  is so fat but because my shirts are so old. Ok, the Guinness advert is over, so Taylor can continue.

I’ll leave Taylor alone now, Beyonce is coming around later to cook for me, so I don’t want them to meet. They both think they are my only home help, it’s better to keep them both sweet. Jay Zee knows of course, Snoop Dogg told him at Bible class, they are good friends of mine. If you Google Kenny Everett you will discover video galore, from 40 years ago some of it, I still feel 20 in my head, but when I reference somebody I realise the years are going by.

I’m borrowing the style, you can also Google The Two Ronnies, if you think I’m rubbish then watch them instead, but don’t tell the Germans, which leads to Faulty Towers a John Cleese classic. Also did you know  John Cleese went to Downing College Cambridge University, my brother went there too, no, not on a school trip, or to clean the drains, he did Economics there in the  70s. Another brother went to Queens Oxford. Yes, I am just the Silly Irriot in the family, though I have a Shanghai connection, not French, which leads you to Benny Hill, and yes I’m closer to him, just size of my waist that is. I do look like a corpulent version of Dave Allen, with all my digits, but with plenty of  scars.

There’s enough Comedy Education for you, now let me open the door for Beyonce. She does bring a marching brass band with her, so they fill me garden, as she dances around the kitchen making me cake. She is so good to me I don’t deserve it, I blame her for my waistline, but she donated an old pair of her pregnancy pants to me, they wer a perfect fit. So I have my cake and eat it, while wearing the pants, or maybe there’s a message in there, like I’m PANTS, which means RUBBISH in England. Though she’s too nice to even think of that. She did show me a few dance moves too, I tried them out, but fainted. Nobody in the band wanted to revive me, but old Mrs Taylor who was visiting for the cake, no relation to Taylor Swift, she pushed her Zimmer frame to one side and locked lips with me. Even at 88 she is such a great kisser, she had 8 children you know, 32 grandchildren, as well as a pussy called Fatcat.

It took 4 members of the brass band to pull old Mrs Taylor off me, she’s been a widow of 10 years now, so any chance to lock lips is too much temptation for her. But I’m still alive and my teeth are so clean too, thanks to her. When all the baking was done and my lawn was ever so flat now, thanks to all the marching, rather like one of those Quadrangles at an Ox/Bridge college. An American tourist once asked how to you get the grass like that? Love, and 300 years of rolling was the answer, but thanks to Beyonce’s marching brass band my humble lawn can look any Oxbridge quadrangle in the  face. Everybody tucked in and as they left Beyonce reminded me that her Visual Album was streaming on Disney today. Don’t Miss It, as if I would. I’ll even give you more marks out of ten than Taylor Swift got I shouted as Jay Zee rolled up in a 2CV, he’s so humble. Well to tell the truth only a 2CV  will squeeze past the parked cars in our street.

I had a cuppa then I’d be  ready for Ellen D, she’s my 3^rd home help, she has a very strong stomach, she throws me over her shoulder like a continental soldier and carries me upstairs where she strips me naked and washes me in the bath. That’s why she needs the strong stomach. I do splash a lot too, so she wears a plastic mac, nothing else just a plastic mac, as she bathes me. I tell her  it will be good for her Humility. She practices her interview questions with me as I have a good soak. Ellen D naked apart from a plastic mac, sat on my toilet asking me hard questions, like what is my favourite colour, and do I take milk in my tea, while I’m naked in my bath. She isn’t put off by all my bypass scars either, or my very hairy left shoulder, she keeps on asking me those questions as  I splash away.  If only she were Korean, she could be my next wife, though me an Ellen do actually share  a bath. Or rather when I get out with her help, I shake myself all over her, like a buffalo shaking off the rain.  Then I get dressed, but as my water is still hot Ellen climbs in, handing me the plastic mac, so she can have a quick soak before she has to do yet another show.

Now before you go, I need to tell you none  of this really happened, apart from all of it that did actually happen. Fact and fiction combined, I do have very clean high shelves and a very flat lawn and I do blow my own trumpet. So I hope this too hot to write today story fits the bill for all  of you. I’m going to watch Hotel del Lune K drama, a hotel for ghosts. Yes I’ve fallen in love with  Lee Ji-eun …..