you were reading this last night, it made me laugh and cry
my tinnitus is nearly making me cry already, and I doubt it I will
ever write the full length sequel
to the butcher the baker and the undertaker
which would be tears for a butcher, and the piece below would be the climax
Saturday, 9 March 2019
Death of a Hero Butcher
Death of a Hero Butcher ©
By
Michael Casey
After Big Sid had been shot 3 times at point blank range and then saved, the drugs collective decided he should die. So an assassin was sent to the hospital to kill him in his hospital bed. It was easy to slip into Dudley Rd hospital the place was so big, so Big Sid would soon be in Heaven and not annoying the Colombians. Or so was the plan, only nurse Gladys Emmanuel was on duty that day. She had just emptied Sid’s bag in the sluice when she saw a man standing over him. So Gladys hit the intruder with what was to hand, a still full metal bed pan. And then she screamed as only she could scream. R A P E. and on she screamed over and over again. R A P E. As she continued to hit the intruder with a metal bed pan.
The Dudley Rd rugby team had just returned from victory over the QE when her screams rang out. Staff, all manner of staff raced to her aid. Darcy Braithwaite ran the fastest, he was sweet on nurse Gladys Emmanuel but hadn’t yet plucked up the courage. But now, but now, Darcy Braithwaite ran like the wind. He was 22stones and could have player rugby for England but Medicine claimed him first. Ordinarily he’d be the slowest in the pack, a tight head prop with cauliflower ears. to match. But now he was a greyhound.
The Medics Rugby crew piled into the side room, the would be assassin was stamped on, two broken knees as least. This is a place of healing you bastard screamed Darcy s he looked at nurse Gladys and as Big Sid’s bed was returned to it’s correct position, it had been knocked sideways in all the commotion. Are you, ok, asked Darcy. Of course I am, that bastard was after Big Sid, replied Gladys as she picked up the gun from the floor and put it in a still soiled bedpan. Good I’m so relieved, Darcy began to cry, at that moment Gladys decided she’d marry him, well come and but me a cuppa before the canteen closes.
And that was their first official date.
Sgt Mulholland arrived baton drawn and taser at the ready. The would be assassin would need medical attention. The head of hospital arrived, Dame Elizabeth York, this bastard broke the sanctity of this place of healing, I advise taking him to the QE, he’s not welcome here. I hear they are better at knee cap surgery, she was lying, but she was livid, she was 78 now and this was her last year as honorary head of hospital.
Then maybe it was because of her age or maybe it was otherwise, her grandfather has been a butcher, but she “fainted”, but as she fainted her legs convulsed upwards. Her very fancy designer shoes, those very pointy ones, just like Theresa May’s ones, well her pointy shoes hit the would be assassin in his balls. A perfect shot, a perfect parting shot from the honorary head of hospital. Now I do know for a fact that the QE does specialise in testicular procedures. So Sgt Mulholland slowly cuffed the assassin and led him away. The rugby team smiled, and that was another reason why they loved Dudley Road so much, quality leadership.
Percy arrived with Mr Stone MP. They huddled with Dame Elizabeth York and the rugby team. Then it was decided. Sid must die, to save Sid he must die. If those Colombian drugs bastards were after him they would try again. So to save Sid, he must die. Everybody was sworn to secrecy. But where could Sid go and receive the care and safety he needed. Dame Elizabeth touched her nose, Brother can you help a sister in need? It was all decided, you see her brother was none other than the English aristocrat billionaire whose ancestors feed Henry VIII who had knighted the beef to create Sir Loin.
Big Sid would be spirited away to safety on his huge estate. But everything must look real. So Percy himself would remove the “body” and Mr Stone M.P.would make a statement to the Press. I am an M.P. so if anybody is to lie it should be me, and so it was all decided. Andy, Percy’s son would go with Sid to the Billionaire’s from a rear exit while Percy took Sid’s “body” out the front. To make it look real Len would have to help.
Len, do you love Big Sid. Like a brother Len replied though tears. Then Len, Sid has to die and his body has to be carried out the front door of Dudley Rd. To make it look real we want you to be in the coffin as you are the same weight of Sid. It will be on tv so we want the assassin’s employer to think the job got done. Meanwhile we’ll gain the advantage as they’ll think Sid is dead.
So Len climbed into a coffin, and Sid’s “body” was lifted and carried by an honour guard of butchers the length of the longest hospital corridor in Europe, a one kilometre corridor. Every 100 metres another 6 butchers took over the carrying duties, 60 butchers had the honour of carrying Sid’s body to the front main exit. Percy had planned everything. Staff and patients lined the corridor, everybody would be watching and the tv crews through tears would share the tragic news.
Mr. Stone intoned, Big Sid died today as a result of trauma, while an assassin tried to kill him in his hospital bed. We ask for Prayers for Big Sid and his family. Mr Stone was crying, genuine tears that were shown all over the world. Sid’s friend Percy Frost will personally look after the last offices of the dead, the funeral is expected in 3 days time.
Meanwhile Andy drove a private ambulance away with Big Sid and 4 doctors inside. The Billionaire had some friends from Medicines Sans Frontieres ready until a full hospital room would be prepped in a matter of hours. His sister was always in a hurry, but now, but now she had afforded him the greatest honour of his life. He must remember to donate 10 million to MSF once Sid and settled in.
Once Percy had got his undertakers Len got out of the coffin. He was red, coffins are not built for the living after all. Is Big Sid safe were Len’s first words once he caught his breath. Yes, Len kissed Percy on the cheek, they were brothers now. Now if you wait an hour I’ll get Michael to drive you to meet Big Sid. Len started to cry, if anything happened to Big Sid it’d drive me mad. So Len waited an hour the old Michael arrived in his taxi under the cover of darkness and took Len to see Big Sid on the Billionaire estate.
The Estate was on lock down, everyone of the Estate workers were armed and told to shoot first and ask questions later. The MSF friends smiled, it was like being in a war zone, apart from the cuisine and 5 star luxury inside the Mansion. Len arrived and was led to Sid’s side, it was best Sid had a friend beside him. As the Billionaire greeted Len his phone rang, he looked over to the portrait on his wall, he passed the phone to Len. A voice said, just to let you know we are all praying for Sid in our house, and I mean all of us, do keep us informed. Call me Elizabeth by the way. Sorry must dash the corgis are chewing the carpet.”The phone went dear. Len looked at the Billionaire and the Billionaire looked at the portrait on the wall, it was Queen Elizabeth.
The Nation was in shock, 3 days of mourning and back to back tv about Big Sid, it was even discussed would he receive the George Medal posthumously for his bravery. So when it was announced that Mr Stone M.P. was to hold a Press conference all the world’s press were there. If I can begin with an apology, and I hope you can all forgive me but, I lied and an M.P. can never lie. So I will be applying for the Chiltern Hundreds and resigning my seat in Parliament. Everybody was confused, it must be all the pressure.
You see, Mr Stone paused, his face shone through tears. Bid Sid is ALIVE. Stunned silence, he really must be suffering from stress, it was 3 days now, and nobody survives 3 days dead. Big Sid is ALIVE I tell you, it was a trick to save Sid, to keep Sid safe while we spirited Sid away to safety. Uproar. I cannot tell you where he is but he is safe. I have a video to prove it.
The video started, it showed Buckingham Palace, then switched to a hospital bed, Sid was asleep and tubed up, a hand placed fresh flowers on a table besides him. The camera pulled back, it was Elizabeth Queen of England, Sid is under MY protection, and that of my Family. The Camera pulled back, the Duke was sitting in armchair his Pearly shotgun locked and loaded. The Camera pulled back again, outside the ceremonial guard had bayonets fixed and pointed at the camera. And besides them all the Firm had firearms locked and loaded. The video ended.
Total uproar, utter uproar. Sid was Alive, more alive that Flash Gordon. But Mr Stone, would keep his word because he had lied. But so had the Queen, or rather she had misdirected. Let those bastards come to the Palace, while dear Sid, Sir Big Sid GM, has a ring to it, does one agree. So Sid was safe in the countryside while the Gordon Highlanders just wished those Colombian drugs dealers came to the Palace where they were on guard duties. Then they’d flash them and give them a bayonet up the Kyber.
With that I’ll rest this fragment of the story from Tears for a Butcher. And if you are a Queen reading this how about some publicity for my writing, so I can leave some money for my daughters. But maybe only if Theresa May herself name drops me will I get any rewards for my words.
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