Ghosts get a fright of their Afterlives ©
By
Michael Casey
Lech, Boris and Gregorgi were a bit unsteady on their feet, well the new batch of vodka was very fresh, still slightly warm when they tested it. They had used new ingredients, potatoes, in fact it was more Irish Poteen than Eastern vodka, it had a kick and a half. Brian down the allotment had a few potatoes left over so the boys took them away, and thought what use they could make of them.
The new still in Warley Woods needed a bit of maturing, so if they made some poteen it would help flavour the inside of the still. Go ask a brewer if you want any more information, they used to say if you want to know the time ask a policeman, there was in fact a retired policeman who was a friend of theirs, he always knew the time. When a batch was ready, that’s why his face was always so red, sampling fresh home brew. But he did have perfect timing, he always turned up in time to arrest naughty boys, Tom was his name, Sergeant Tom, he always knew the exact time a new batch was ready in a still.
There are laws about home brew and stills and amounts you can make for home consumption, but Tom was 1/2 Eastern, from Poland they said. So his views on amounts were more Eastern than Western. When his nose led him to the boys still, any other Policeman may have said I am arresting you. Tom just said give me a glass and then told them to add a bit more of this and that. A firm friendship was formed.
They say back in this writer’s dad’s closest town the still was using the chimney back to back with the police station. A young and stupid policeman informed his sergeant, so the sergeant had the wet policeman transferred as far away from Castleisland as possible. When the sergeant retired all 20 public houses gave him a bottle, that was 1930s Kerry for you.
But back to Tom, Tom and the boys are firm friends, lubrication is necessary, so let sleeping dogs lie was Tom’s philosophy, and dogs certainly lay down and slept after sampling Lech, Boris and Gregorgi’s home brew or still water. At Mrs Black’s funeral the bottle was punished and all her old dear friends were in attendance, the sandwiches were laid out on the pool table and there was a table with home brew and still water, plus fizzy pop for any stray children. Just in case there are any non drinkers reading this, still water is not posh water, its water that’s been in a still, as in vodka or poteen, now do I make myself clear, you’ll tell me you are a vegetarian next, God help us.
Mrs Black herself enjoyed the after funeral feed, sitting on the side of the pool table she enjoyed the turnout. She hated how they had dressed her corpse, and sewed her lips together, she had enjoyed talking so much when she was alive. They all seem really sad that she had died, those Eastern boys were so kind too, the lips were loosened and the talk was good. Yet she could not join in, as her lips were sealed, well sown together, they had lost her false teeth so sewing her lips was the compromise. It was a good funeral, as good as many she had attended, she wondered what would happen next.
The angel came to take her to Heaven, only she was not ready, the angel said he had 5 other spirits to take home. Mrs Black replied she just wished to try the spirits at her own funeral then she would depart willingly. Lech, Boris and Gregorgi had had plenty of spirits now, they swore they could see angel and some shadows next to it. Mrs Black hearing this stood right in front of the boys and begged them to cut her lips open. So drunkenly the boys whipped out their knives, this frighten the crowd. But they explained and the crowd just laughed. #
It was hard to cut Mrs Black’s lips free, you try cutting thread with a huge knife if you don’t believe me, and if you’ve been punishing a bottle and its the lips of a ghost. You don’t want to cut yourself, nor cut the head off the ghost do you. Eventually Mrs Black’s lips were free, then she picked up a glass and toasted herself. She passed the glass back for the other spirits to share, the angel had nothing, not because it was boring, but because angels are tee total and never jump in where fools rush in.
Now it must be the magical properties of Lech, Boris and Gregorgi’s still but all the ghosts appeared before the crowd, they were afraid. Well apart from Tom the policeman, he’d wasn’t afraid of anything, well except spiders. The boys had spirits in them, beside the Holy Spirit had a soft spot for them too, after all the Good Works they did, so the boys were not afraid. Just stay where you are everybody advised Tom, there room for all.
So the ghosts had a few jars while the angel plucked on its harp, angels don’t have watches after all. Then as darkness fell it really was time for the ghosts to go to heaven, Percy the undertaker came running in, he’d found Mrs Black’s teeth. So Mrs Black the ghost grabbed her teeth from Percy the undertaker, and went happily into the afterlife. Lech belched, followed by Boris’ burp and Gregorgi’s rasping fart, so that sent the ghosts scurrying off to Heaven.
