A Tale not worthy of Shakespeare (c) by Michael Casey 23April 2024

A Tale not worthy of Shakespeare (c) 

by Michael Casey 23April 2024

Well if you wonder where the stories come from

here is one of them

I went down the hill for a haircut

because I look too much like my mum

only difference is I have 3 breasts

the extra one in the middle is my

hernia, bigger than some women's breast

in the middle of my chest through my heart bypass scar

I met an Irish man with an Arran and a cane along the way

I stopped to say I looked like Benny Hill in my hat

and Good Luck as us Irish are wont to say

Then I toddled down the hill

I met Jack and Jill pushing a pram

because Jill was not on the pill

and Jack had spilt his pail 

maybe they were Americans

but that's over there over there

as James Cagney used to Sing

But though I sing I just wanted a haircut

So I continued on my way

And the barbers was shut

Outside a Pink Lady was having a fag

No, not a drink

but a lady all wrapped up against the cold

smoking, no nothing bold, just having a cigarette

She told me that Tuesday was the Barbers day off

and no he was not from Saville 

or the tailors next door

though he cuts hair quick

he was off today

So laughing I crossed the road

and Noelle Gordon, not a drink winked at me

nor James Bond dancing in the Street

Though Andy Street might be dancing If he wins again

So I went to the Post Office for some money instead

Then I crossed back the road

To buy my daily bread

I look like Falstaff or Sir Toby Belch you know

and Harry was a bit of a lad as I said

in my Henry the Fourth Part II essay in Mr Sharpe's class

but that was in 1974/5 maybe

when my hair was brown, now I am a white sheep

or silver if you are being. generous

So I got my bread fit for a Kingsmill

a Hapworth for Falstaff maybe

and paid the lady on the till

with longer hair than mine

and silvery too, who's daughter is doing Phycology 

a man in a beard with crocs was in the queue too

looking like Jesus, or a heavy metal band singer

Supervised by a Pakistani girl with eyes like diamonds

who was the chief of staff in the store

So I left the store with my bread

and I thought I'd take a chance 

there is a Ladies hair dressers next to the barbers

I was surprised to see the Pink lady in a coat inside

She had finished her fag

I said are you the hairdresser

could you cut my hair instead 

as I look so much like my mother

No, not I for I only do the beauty

So obvious she could do nothing for me

for I am just a beast,

a Gorilla with Rosary

So I left downhearted

I'd have to climb up the hill

With Kate Bush running up it

in front of me

Luckily God has Mercy on all of us

the bus came

No, I'm lying

Beyonce came with her horse with no name

and threw me on behind her

And by High Noon, she carried me into the sun

slapping my bum, homewards

never be cruel to animals, this is England after all

And that is why my words are full of Manure

The horse with no name dumped in my front garden

But at least I have sweet smelling Roses galore

growing in my front garden

Happy Birthday Shakespeare

Lend me your ears, for mine are full of Tinnitus

maybe I just need a pillow of busoms

I do have 3 of my own already

but I am not a Lady

@@@648 words, thanks to God, because I just sat here, so it's a brownie bonus