Bargains not Worth having

Bargains not Worth having ©

By

Michael Casey

We all like a bargain, and you may even like to haggle, but reality and dreams and outright lies do tend to clash. You’ll love this it’s great, and you’ll lose weight. So you go around to your mate’s to look at his bike, he opens the door and points. Then your face drops, you were expecting a 10 speed mountain bike, and only for a hundred quid. In reality it’s an exercise bike, all you can say is, “where are the wheels”. And yes this really did happen. And by the way for exercise to change your weight you have to exercise as much as an Olympian. It’s food intake that makes the difference, though swimming and sex do help vastly.

Ads online can be very unreliable, just as house sale information is never to be relied upon.  Large should mean you can lie down on the floor in both directions. So if you cannot lie down and roll over then a room is NOT large, you should be able to swing a cat in the space, if you cannot, then it is SMALL. Yes, we did bring our cat with us to swing when we were house hunting, this raised a few eyebrows, but just holding Totoro and stroking her tail, was enough to get folks to confess. It’s SMALL, IT’S SMALL, just don’t swing your cat. Totoro just smiled, and leapt straight at the home owner and up the stairs. Totoro was with us for one reason only, to find and catch any rats, and I don’t just mean the vendors. Armed with a fully loaded Ninja cat we chose our new home.

If there were no rats Totoro just lay on her back like a centre fold, exposing her six nipples. And that is how we chose our new home. Once you move in you have to test for yourself the size of the rooms, as you and your girl roll over on the floor in each of the freshly carpeted rooms. It has to be done, and any carpet fitter worth his gripper will, tell you that rolling in the deep and any other Adele song helps flatten the carpet.

You’ll buy lots of new stuff for your new home, or be gifted stuff. Don’t accept any rubbish, it’s better to have just one sofa and one double bed to start  with, and then expand as you go along. Friends are just getting rid of their rubbish, so they can buy new stuff for themselves, just say no. It’s a bargain, a real leather sofa. Yes, it’s real and leather and has two shades due to where it was half positioned in the sun for 10 years. Not to mention the dubious stains, where their dogs used to pee against it. And the big change of shade, where your mate’s girl’s waters broke and their baby was born. Yes a Chesterfield is a great sofa, nearly 3000 new. But 10 years old with all the History and Mystery and smells attached. Just say no.

If you buy your food in bulk you can fashion  a sofa from tins of beans in boxes, then throw a cushion on top. Yes it’s not as nice as a Chesterfield. You eat your way through the boxes of beans, so you relent. Through you do spray the Chesterfield with two bottles of room freshener which makes you high. So you cling film wrap the sofa then throw 2 throws  over it. It’s nice now, so nice now that you invite that girl from up the road over. She brings a couple of bottles of wine over. And you end up Christening the Chesterfield, History is repeating itself, but both of you enjoy the repeating, and repeating and repeating. So much so that in due course, she moves in and the Chesterfield, needs never cleaner throws all over it.

Finally her waters break, but at least the Chesterfield is covered in cling film, and so History repeats itself. Now you have twins to feed, so you accept anything. Any bargains, and gift horses that come along. A pram that was in the Ark, though nowadays it’s so retro that it’s back in fashion, so you paint the metal in none lead paint and  have it ready for the baby. You need a cot but your brother has a really nice and expensive one. Only he lives miles and  miles away, and you don’t have a car. But you have a friend, from Chinese Church, Steve from Steve’s Takeaway, so he drives you to your brother’s and  rams everything into Steve’s car.

You unload the car and thank Steve maybe you should have given him a new baseball cap. Then you have to put the cot together, your girl is 8 months pregnant so only you and her mother can do it. She is from Shanghai and speaks no English, finally after 90 minutes the cot is ready. And yes this really did happen, we used the cot for both our daughters, after both their cousins used it. Then we passed it on to Chinese friends, who realised even with baby 5 now using it, it really was a quality cot, and a real bargain.

So life is strange and you get passed some things which can be good or bad, or even ugly. Like your sister’s old boyfriend, but to you he is perfect, you like his fat belly which reminds you of Winnie the Pooh,  or his soft silver  hair, and you just adore the sound of his voice, and you never bore of his tales. If such a woman really exists please get in touch with this writer. For maybe I am a Bargain Worth Having!