I originally write this in 1999
a year after my Czech misadventure
which I wrote up and finally all the Office said
Michael is a Writer
as they cried tears of laughter
Edwina gave me a 10 then subtracted it to a 9
Hello to her and all the 7 lady bosses we had
20 years ago, StatsMR was ahead of the game
now here's something to make you laugh
It’s All In The Stars 2016 ©
By
Michael Casey
Louise just loved to read her stars in the papers, but
gradually she became disillusioned, they were too inaccurate, too
general, she wanted more detail, a personal touch, she wanted to know
how her life would be. Not "you'll have a happy day today, a surprize
could be on its way." She wanted more, so she went to see a clairvoyant,
the clairvoyant was a gypsie who had pitched her caravan in the Bull
Ring. Louise happened to be there buying new knickers for herself outside
Saint Martins church when she spotted the sign saying "fortunes told,
cheap prices, under a fiver to know your future. "
So grasping her knickers in the carrier she climbed the four
steps into the caravan. The fortune teller looked like a rugby player in
drag, but that’s normal for fortune tellers, so Louise wasn't afraid.
She had 30 mins before she had to get back to Stats and some report
writing for Derek the boss. The bells of Saint Martin peeled, a
lunchtime service was about to begin, as for Louise she held her breath,
what would the future bring ?
Michael also wanted to know the future. He read his stars avidly
in the papers, he'd buy his shopping in Safeways, then once through the
checkout he'd read his stars in all the newspapers, before discarding the
papers and leaving with just his shopping, the papers in a heap at his
feet. He always hoped the stars would tell him when he'd meet the love of
his life, what he failed to notice was that while he had his head in the
newspaper, pretty women were standing right next to him browsing the
womens magazines. If only he looked up from the stars.
Fate would bring these two together, in fact they lived in the
same street, but their paths had never crossed, Michael lived at number
19 and Louise lived in number 25. Michael had been a computer operator
for 20 years but when the job ended he took the first job that came along
, so now he was a security guard, not one of those thick ones in uniforms
, no he was a guard in the new Travel lodge hotel on Broad street, the
biggest hotel in the city. He wore a suit and had a nice badge with his
name on it, and he had a nice slim radio. So he was an upper class
security guard. It was the perfect job for him because he liked meeting
people and having a gossip.
The fortune teller had told Louise, that she'd meet somebody
strong and reliable, though perhaps a little boring, things would
happen suddenly and she'd be swept off her feet. Louise liked strong men
why she'd been to see the Chippendales four times, so she smiled to
herself as she left the caravan, clutching her carrier of knickers. The
months passed and still Louise hadn't found her Mr Reliable, she got
offers of course, she enjoyed strutting her stuff in pubs all over the
Black Country her and her friend Mary. Only the offers were always from
men just past their sell by date, men who would buy you a pint and a bag
of chips and then want to feel more than your hips as she danced to 70s
Glamrock. So Louise said "Sod It !", as she slapped another man across
the face. Why couldn't men be Gay without being Gay, you know Gay men
treated you like a lady and didn't grope. Just why couldn't one like that
turn up.
Michael finished another 12 hour shift and was wandering around
his flat naked, scratching his bum and drinking another 2 litres of
coca cola. He switched the telly on and surfed teletext, his HiFi was
on too playing Genesis, he always read the news on all channels before
reading his stars on ITV channel 4, channel 5 and Sky. His whole working
life involved working odd hours with even odder people, so he'd never met
anybody who would put up with his lifestyle. Now 40 was on the horizon,
was he clutching at straws hoping against hope by reading his stars to
cheer himself up. Jo from the kitchen had given him a Xmas card saying "I
hope the girl of your dreams find you in 98 ", and the year was half
over. Michael sighed, at least he could have a quiet cry while he watched
weepies on Sky and the other channels. Little Women was perhaps his
favourite film, the ending where the Professor says he has empty hands
& he has nothing to give, but the girl gave him her hands and said "now
they are full". His own father had nothing when he met his mom, yet she
married him, and yet he married her and her false teeth, and they went
on to have six children. So Michael watched and wept, at least there
was refuge and solace in prayer, he had taken up regular prayer when he'd
read about Padre PIO, and when his mother died, and to his surprize his faith got
stronger. But still he longed for company, to talk with, to laugh with,
to cry with, and to wake up with. So he prayed and read his stars in
equal doses.
Louise slammed the door of her flat, and rearranged her blouse,
that bastard had more hands than an octopus, he'd left his thumb print on
her boob too, and the bra strap was broken too. She have to go down the
Bull Ring on Monday and get herself a new red bra, and new red knickers
too, it was a matching set after all. She flicked on the telly, Central
Weekend was still on, Russell Grant was on, so she didn't switch off.
He was saying that a proper reading involved study. Louise examined her
bruised boob as he talked, still listening she practised her undressing
technique, it'd been in Mary's Cosmo three months before, so she'd been
practicing it. Once she met a Gay man who wasn't Gay, he'd have the full
benefit of it, it was all about pleasing him, so to please yourself,
that's how Cosmo explained it. So there she was naked before her telly
with just Russell Grant smiling at her, "And it’s about examining your
potential and optimizing your best bits ", Louise was examining her boob
again, and her bum, she found another bruise there. So it was standing
naked before Russell Grant and a studio audience that she decided to do it
herself, she'd go to the library and dig out some books. She'd form her
own future, she'd caste her own fortune.
Michael dried the tears from his eyes, and switched the tv off,
scratched his bum, then got into bed. If only a millionairess would
stop at the hotel and fall in love with him, well it happened in films
didn't it? His stars had been contradictory as usual, so he just
believed the nice ones. Louise had switched off the telly when she'd
glanced out of her window, only to see a naked man get into bed. Michael
was afraid of the dark you see, so he always left a chink in his curtain
and Louise by chance or was it fate ? She had seen him, he was fat and
very hairy, but at least he had a big chest, she just loved men with big
chests. So sniggering Louise headed for her own bed.
The following Monday Louise dashed up to the Library and got as
many do it yourself Horoscopes books as she could find. There were five
in fact. She'd read them all then photocopy the best bits on the works
photocopier. No more newspapers for her, she'd do it herself, she had
five minutes left of her lunch hour so she went and got a new matching bra
and knickers from the Bull Ring, and some grapes too, she just loved
grapes. Somebody was selling a telescope too, so on impulse she bought
that as well, it was only a fiver. She be able to gaze up at the stars.
Michael had a nice day at the hotel, people seemed to like him,
well in five minute doses that is, a millionairess did stop at the hotel,
only she was a bitch, who knew she was rich and beautiful and intelligent
and she wanted the whole world to know it. If only she had a dose of
humility that'd change her thought Michael, would be perfect for this rich millionairess,
a dose of humility was a good thing, but Michael smiled and carried all her shopping
and put it into a waiting taxi, as she swore at him for not being quick
enough. But his stars had said "You will be mixing with the rich and
famous", and so he was, by carrying her bags.
Louise dashed home with her carrier full of library books,
she'd know her future tonight, she was a bit impetuous at times, so she'd
work out her future tonight. She saw the light go on in Michael's flat,
and she did have a telescope, so she gave into temptation and spied on
him. e was nice,very nice, then she nearly dropped the telescope, he
had a horrid birthmark on his left shoulder, a brown stain all covered in
hair. He was a bit like the elephant man, Louise laughed, and then went
back to her books. As for Michael he put the Disney channel on and
watched Beauty and the Beast, he could empathise with the Beast, he'd
been called a beast himself because of his birthmark, girls had run away
from him because of it. They could put up with him being fat, but not the
birthmark as well, that was too much. So Michael watched Beauty and the
Beast and cried and cried, some say a man should not cry, but Michael
knew that was bollocks, it was good to be in touch with your emotions, a
good cry cleanses then system. Recently he'd started listening to
Classic FM, cos one of the cleaners had told him about it, and that made
him cry too, how could just a few violins and so forth touch your soul in
seconds. But it was nice, besides they'd never be anybody there to see
him cry, so he could be true to his soul, and cry and cry.
Louise looked up from her books, she'd spent five hours reading
the future was hers, she picked up the telescope again, this time to
look for Uranus, but the sky had clouded over. So she watched Michael's
bum as he got into bed. Louise spent weeks reading and watching naked Michael
she even went to West Bromwich library in search of books, she was confident,
she knew she’d always be ok for money, and that was all that mattered as far as
she was concerned, so long as she could pay the bloody mortgage and could feed
her cat Sam. One night Mary couldn't come on the razzle, strutting her
stuff with Louise, and as Louise had a bit of a cold she stayed in and
watched the telly. Elephant Man was on, the music was good, but Louise
hated the black and white, and was going to switch it off, but it was
compelling in a horrible sort of way. As she watched she looked out the
window and could see naked Michael, she laughed, then looked back at the
Elephant Man, then she laughed "Elephant Man lives over the road, Sam",
then the music touched her, she felt guilty, a silent tear fell. She
couldn't bear her guilt so she got up and switched the telly off, she
didn't have a remote control. She put Heart FM on loud to cheer herself
up, but her eyes were drawn over the road towards Michael's back, so she
picked up the telescope. "It's not that bad I suppose, if I were his
girlfriend I'd shave it." Then she dropped the telescope, and reached
for her chocolate, and soon forgot him, Heart FM was great.
Hazel had the flu, so would anybody like tickets to see Phantom
of The Opera. So as it was free Louise had it, she liked classical music
too as well as glam rock, so it would be a night out for her and Mary.
The Phantom was great, a bit like Disney's Beauty and the Beast really or
even the Hunchback Of Notre Dame, about love crossing insurmountable
barriers. Michael had once said to his mom, that he wasn't good enough
for anybody, and his mother had chided that of course he was, Love
Conquers All was her message. And so was the message of Phantom. Louise
ate her chips on the bench outside the Hippodrome, her mind troubled,
Mary thought she was a bit quiet. Louise lied and said she was only
tired. But once home she got her telescope out and watched Michael's back
as she played the CD of the show that she'd bought. Guilt overcame her
and she cried, she cried just like a little girl.
Now sometimes fate cannot wait no longer it bursts on the
scene, it demands attention. Louise was returning the books to the
library, she had just bought more knickers from the Bull Ring. It was
while she was crossing the road at the top of Hill Street that she nearly
walked under a bus, had it not been for a strong hand pulling at her bra
strap she would have been dead. "Pervert" was on her lip, as she fell
backwards but the noise and shadow of the bus drown her words.
"I could have been killed," she stuttered, as she got to her feet.
"That's why I grabbed you, your bra strap was what saved you," replied
Michael.
Louise looked up to see who had saved her, she looked deep into his eyes
,his child like eyes. She screamed and fainted, he caught her in his
strong arms. A full minute later she opened her eyes.
"But it’s you, I've never seen you with your clothes on, " stammered
Louise.
"Pardon? " replied Michael not knowing her guilt secret.
"You see, we are neighbours in Miracle Road Qangleton, " explained
Louise.
"Here's your knickers," replied Michael as he picked up her carrier and
it’s spilled contents.
"But, you saved my life, " said Louise, before smothering him in
kisses, he had saved her life after all.
"Let's go for a coffee in Dunkin Donuts," suggested Michael "you have
had a shock after all.
And so that was how they finally met, it was all in the stars, I
think they went on to have twelve children and lived happily ever after,
you get a lot of family allowance with twelve children after all.
p.s. one irony is that a few years later I did in fact work in a hotel for 3 years
CPNEC Birmingham
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