I originally write this in 1999

a year after my Czech misadventure

which I wrote up and finally all the Office said

Michael is a Writer

as they cried tears of laughter

Edwina gave me a 10 then subtracted it to a 9

Hello to her and all the 7 lady bosses we had

20 years ago, StatsMR was ahead of the game

now here's something to make you laugh

It’s All In The Stars 2016 ©

Michael Casey

Louise just loved to read her stars in the papers, but

gradually she became disillusioned, they were too inaccurate, too

general, she wanted more detail, a personal touch, she wanted to know

how her life would be. Not "you'll have a happy day today, a surprize

could be on its way." She wanted more, so she went to see a clairvoyant,

the clairvoyant was a gypsie who had pitched her caravan in the Bull

Ring. Louise happened to be there buying new knickers for herself outside

Saint Martins church when she spotted the sign saying "fortunes told,

cheap prices, under a fiver to know your future. "

So grasping her knickers in the carrier she climbed the four

steps into the caravan. The fortune teller looked like a rugby player in

drag, but that’s normal for fortune tellers, so Louise wasn't afraid.

She had 30 mins before she had to get back to Stats and some report

writing for Derek the boss. The bells of Saint Martin peeled, a

lunchtime service was about to begin, as for Louise she held her breath,

what would the future bring ?

Michael also wanted to know the future. He read his stars avidly

in the papers, he'd buy his shopping in Safeways, then once through the

checkout he'd read his stars in all the newspapers, before discarding the

papers and leaving with just his shopping, the papers in a heap at his

feet. He always hoped the stars would tell him when he'd meet the love of

his life, what he failed to notice was that while he had his head in the

newspaper, pretty women were standing right next to him browsing the

womens magazines. If only he looked up from the stars.

Fate would bring these two together, in fact they lived in the

same street, but their paths had never crossed, Michael lived at number

19 and Louise lived in number 25. Michael had been a computer operator

for 20 years but when the job ended he took the first job that came along

, so now he was a security guard, not one of those thick ones in uniforms

, no he was a guard in the new Travel lodge hotel on Broad street, the

biggest hotel in the city. He wore a suit and had a nice badge with his

name on it, and he had a nice slim radio. So he was an upper class

security guard. It was the perfect job for him because he liked meeting

people and having a gossip.

The fortune teller had told Louise, that she'd meet somebody

strong and reliable, though perhaps a little boring, things would

happen suddenly and she'd be swept off her feet. Louise liked strong men

why she'd been to see the Chippendales four times, so she smiled to

herself as she left the caravan, clutching her carrier of knickers. The

months passed and still Louise hadn't found her Mr Reliable, she got

offers of course, she enjoyed strutting her stuff in pubs all over the

Black Country her and her friend Mary. Only the offers were always from

men just past their sell by date, men who would buy you a pint and a bag

of chips and then want to feel more than your hips as she danced to 70s

Glamrock. So Louise said "Sod It !", as she slapped another man across

the face. Why couldn't men be Gay without being Gay, you know Gay men

treated you like a lady and didn't grope. Just why couldn't one like that

turn up.

Michael finished another 12 hour shift and was wandering around

his flat naked, scratching his bum and drinking another 2 litres of

coca cola. He switched the telly on and surfed teletext, his HiFi was

on too playing Genesis, he always read the news on all channels before

reading his stars on ITV channel 4, channel 5 and Sky. His whole working

life involved working odd hours with even odder people, so he'd never met

anybody who would put up with his lifestyle. Now 40 was on the horizon,

was he clutching at straws hoping against hope by reading his stars to

cheer himself up. Jo from the kitchen had given him a Xmas card saying "I

hope the girl of your dreams find you in 98 ", and the year was half

over. Michael sighed, at least he could have a quiet cry while he watched

weepies on Sky and the other channels. Little Women was perhaps his

favourite film, the ending where the Professor says he has empty hands

& he has nothing to give, but the girl gave him her hands and said "now

they are full". His own father had nothing when he met his mom, yet she

married him, and yet he married her and her false teeth, and they went

on to have six children. So Michael watched and wept, at least there

was refuge and solace in prayer, he had taken up regular prayer when he'd

read about Padre PIO, and when his mother died, and to his surprize his faith got

stronger. But still he longed for company, to talk with, to laugh with,

to cry with, and to wake up with. So he prayed and read his stars in

equal doses.

Louise slammed the door of her flat, and rearranged her blouse,

that bastard had more hands than an octopus, he'd left his thumb print on

her boob too, and the bra strap was broken too. She have to go down the

Bull Ring on Monday and get herself a new red bra, and new red knickers

too, it was a matching set after all. She flicked on the telly, Central

Weekend was still on, Russell Grant was on, so she didn't switch off.

He was saying that a proper reading involved study. Louise examined her

bruised boob as he talked, still listening she practised her undressing

technique, it'd been in Mary's Cosmo three months before, so she'd been

practicing it. Once she met a Gay man who wasn't Gay, he'd have the full

benefit of it, it was all about pleasing him, so to please yourself,

that's how Cosmo explained it. So there she was naked before her telly

with just Russell Grant smiling at her, "And it’s about examining your

potential and optimizing your best bits ", Louise was examining her boob

again, and her bum, she found another bruise there. So it was standing

naked before Russell Grant and a studio audience that she decided to do it

herself, she'd go to the library and dig out some books. She'd form her

own future, she'd caste her own fortune.

Michael dried the tears from his eyes, and switched the tv off,

scratched his bum, then got into bed. If only a millionairess would

stop at the hotel and fall in love with him, well it happened in films

didn't it? His stars had been contradictory as usual, so he just

believed the nice ones. Louise had switched off the telly when she'd

glanced out of her window, only to see a naked man get into bed. Michael

was afraid of the dark you see, so he always left a chink in his curtain

and Louise by chance or was it fate ? She had seen him, he was fat and

very hairy, but at least he had a big chest, she just loved men with big

chests. So sniggering Louise headed for her own bed.

The following Monday Louise dashed up to the Library and got as

many do it yourself Horoscopes books as she could find. There were five

in fact. She'd read them all then photocopy the best bits on the works

photocopier. No more newspapers for her, she'd do it herself, she had

five minutes left of her lunch hour so she went and got a new matching bra

and knickers from the Bull Ring, and some grapes too, she just loved

grapes. Somebody was selling a telescope too, so on impulse she bought

that as well, it was only a fiver. She be able to gaze up at the stars.

Michael had a nice day at the hotel, people seemed to like him,

well in five minute doses that is, a millionairess did stop at the hotel,

only she was a bitch, who knew she was rich and beautiful and intelligent

and she wanted the whole world to know it. If only she had a dose of

humility that'd change her thought Michael, would be perfect for this rich millionairess,

a dose of humility was a good thing, but Michael smiled and carried all her shopping

and put it into a waiting taxi, as she swore at him for not being quick

enough. But his stars had said "You will be mixing with the rich and

famous", and so he was, by carrying her bags.

Louise dashed home with her carrier full of library books,

she'd know her future tonight, she was a bit impetuous at times, so she'd

work out her future tonight. She saw the light go on in Michael's flat,

and she did have a telescope, so she gave into temptation and spied on

him. e was nice,very nice, then she nearly dropped the telescope, he

had a horrid birthmark on his left shoulder, a brown stain all covered in

hair. He was a bit like the elephant man, Louise laughed, and then went

back to her books. As for Michael he put the Disney channel on and

watched Beauty and the Beast, he could empathise with the Beast, he'd

been called a beast himself because of his birthmark, girls had run away

from him because of it. They could put up with him being fat, but not the

birthmark as well, that was too much. So Michael watched Beauty and the

Beast and cried and cried, some say a man should not cry, but Michael

knew that was bollocks, it was good to be in touch with your emotions, a

good cry cleanses then system. Recently he'd started listening to

Classic FM, cos one of the cleaners had told him about it, and that made

him cry too, how could just a few violins and so forth touch your soul in

seconds. But it was nice, besides they'd never be anybody there to see

him cry, so he could be true to his soul, and cry and cry.

Louise looked up from her books, she'd spent five hours reading

the future was hers, she picked up the telescope again, this time to

look for Uranus, but the sky had clouded over. So she watched Michael's

bum as he got into bed. Louise spent weeks reading and watching naked Michael

she even went to West Bromwich library in search of books, she was confident,

she knew she’d always be ok for money, and that was all that mattered as far as

she was concerned, so long as she could pay the bloody mortgage and could feed

her cat Sam. One night Mary couldn't come on the razzle, strutting her

stuff with Louise, and as Louise had a bit of a cold she stayed in and

watched the telly. Elephant Man was on, the music was good, but Louise

hated the black and white, and was going to switch it off, but it was

compelling in a horrible sort of way. As she watched she looked out the

window and could see naked Michael, she laughed, then looked back at the

Elephant Man, then she laughed "Elephant Man lives over the road, Sam",

then the music touched her, she felt guilty, a silent tear fell. She

couldn't bear her guilt so she got up and switched the telly off, she

didn't have a remote control. She put Heart FM on loud to cheer herself

up, but her eyes were drawn over the road towards Michael's back, so she

picked up the telescope. "It's not that bad I suppose, if I were his

girlfriend I'd shave it." Then she dropped the telescope, and reached

for her chocolate, and soon forgot him, Heart FM was great.

Hazel had the flu, so would anybody like tickets to see Phantom

of The Opera. So as it was free Louise had it, she liked classical music

too as well as glam rock, so it would be a night out for her and Mary.

The Phantom was great, a bit like Disney's Beauty and the Beast really or

even the Hunchback Of Notre Dame, about love crossing insurmountable

barriers. Michael had once said to his mom, that he wasn't good enough

for anybody, and his mother had chided that of course he was, Love

Conquers All was her message. And so was the message of Phantom. Louise

ate her chips on the bench outside the Hippodrome, her mind troubled,

Mary thought she was a bit quiet. Louise lied and said she was only

tired. But once home she got her telescope out and watched Michael's back

as she played the CD of the show that she'd bought. Guilt overcame her

and she cried, she cried just like a little girl.

Now sometimes fate cannot wait no longer it bursts on the

scene, it demands attention. Louise was returning the books to the

library, she had just bought more knickers from the Bull Ring. It was

while she was crossing the road at the top of Hill Street that she nearly

walked under a bus, had it not been for a strong hand pulling at her bra

strap she would have been dead. "Pervert" was on her lip, as she fell

backwards but the noise and shadow of the bus drown her words.

"I could have been killed," she stuttered, as she got to her feet.

"That's why I grabbed you, your bra strap was what saved you," replied

Michael.

Louise looked up to see who had saved her, she looked deep into his eyes

,his child like eyes. She screamed and fainted, he caught her in his

strong arms. A full minute later she opened her eyes.

"But it’s you, I've never seen you with your clothes on, " stammered

Louise.

"Pardon? " replied Michael not knowing her guilt secret.

"You see, we are neighbours in Miracle Road Qangleton, " explained

Louise.

"Here's your knickers," replied Michael as he picked up her carrier and

it’s spilled contents.

"But, you saved my life, " said Louise, before smothering him in

kisses, he had saved her life after all.

"Let's go for a coffee in Dunkin Donuts," suggested Michael "you have

had a shock after all.

And so that was how they finally met, it was all in the stars, I

think they went on to have twelve children and lived happily ever after,

you get a lot of family allowance with twelve children after all.

p.s. one irony is that a few years later I did in fact work in a hotel for 3 years

CPNEC Birmingham

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