Naming Things

Naming Things ©

By

Michael Casey

So, Boris and his girl named their baby today, so God Bless all 3 of them. This got me thinking, so that’s why you are getting this. I am of course called Michael and I’ll have you know I insist that’s my name, NOT Mike or Micky or any other useless shortenings. I once wore a Dicky Bow at work for a whole day so that they’d call me Michael, I was getting bored correcting them, this was 40 years ago. So, I wore the Dicky Bow for a day, there were 4 or 5 other Michaels but only I was Michael.  When I worked at CPNEC, a hotel right next to BHX airport there were loads of Michaels there too, but I was Mr Casey or Michael, my name was not shortened. When I stumbled into teaching Esol for a year, where my external assessor called me “excellent, excellent and exemplary” on my assessment, there the students called me Mr Michael. So now you know.

Of course those that really really know me call me Sarah, or you sexy vixen, I am of course dressed in drag with my bypass scar exposed through a very low cut blouse, size 46 hairy chest. And my very firm large buttocks are squeezed into tight red jeans, which is the norm for me, as not even Cotton Traders can accept the challenge. I do wear high heels, size 10 men’s size. So don’t call me Sarah it’s Michael M I C H A E L .

Now that I’ve explained that I’ll get on with it, and what am I getting on with, I’m not some pole dancer, despite Morris my friend ratting his stick at me, after he got out of the bath where he squashes his grapes, it is rather a small bath after all. No, he really does squash his grapes he is a big bloke after all, he makes his own wine in his bath tub, what were you all thinking of. What? You are disgusting, go and book online Confession immediately.

Where was I? I lost my drift, it’s very hard drifting you know, especially if you are a coalman. Where’s Julian and Sandy when you need them. Julian has locked himself away for a while, he won’t be reading the news for a bit, but if he practices the One Minute Waltz, I’m sure he’ll get the Just a Minute host job, and he can thank me for it when he does.  See you drifted off for a second, am I repeating myself, it was the eggs I had for breakfast. Which reminds me of my influences, no not 40 year old Whisky, me drink whisky, are you laughing. You, want me to carry on, now who’s the clever dick now, and as for Julian, I could have been called Julian, well my mom once said name a child after her, Julian would do if I had a boy.

OK, so I’ve been too far Around the Horne, and Julian you can explain it to the Youth, you are good at explaining, the kids today will totally misunderstand, they’ll think Around the Horne is some form of sex education. So, where was I, I’m listening to the Beatles as I talk to you, It’s Wednesday Morning, which is a lie it’s Saturday and Boris and his girl have named their new baby. Now it’s Yesterday and that’s another lie, why do they keep on lying, next they’ll say they are better that the Stones, they were all too “stoned” to tell the difference if you ask me. And now I can hear Hippy music from the Beatles so I was right after all, trust your Uncle Michael, and I was in fact named after my Uncle Michael. The space between us, did they have Social Distancing back then in the 60s? Just a thought, how can I think straight with a sitar playing everywhere and those bongos or whatever are making my head spin.

I’ve switched the Beatles off, they thought they could turn me on, but with a manly command “Computer Stop” I’ve switched them off, all those years in the hotel, me and my booming voice, I can be so masterful when I like. Jules, just stop sniggering or I’ll tell Sandy to stop bringing the shopping to you. I’ve just looked at the tally in the corner over 740 words, and still I haven’t got to point, sorry it’s the Gerald Wiley in me, and NO , that’s not a double entendre, Julian you really must explain it to the kids. Everything breath I take every move I make, they are misrepresenting me. It stings, it really stings when I’m misunderstood, what try Polygrip on my dentures. Julian that was wicked, you’re supposed to be the straight man keeping order, and playing the one minute waltz. I do not have DENTURES, I know they look so good, but they are all mine, I did inherit them from Steptoe.

Living Years is playing now as I continue, and NO I’m not going to stop yet, though I will put some roast potatoes in, so I have something to look forward to when I finish. What have you got to look forward too? Well Jules is a good player, he told me, so it must be true. Finally, I remember what I was going to say. Why do we name things? Because it gives us power over the thing, it shows affection to a thing, it differentiates from one thing to another. Here’s Julian, and that’s Michael. Simple really, Julian would not want to be mistook for an 18stone super model with gorgeous silver hair with his shades perked provocatively on his head and a massive chest. What I’m stretching the Truth? Who does Julian think he is, the BBC?

Wait, right there I have to sort out the washing, do you think I have servants?

Well I just had an emergency, our cat Totoro was watching the washing spin around so she followed it with her head and got very dizzy, so she collapsed. I had to give mouth to mouth to our pussy, but Tororo is fine now, I’ve got whiskers in my mouth, so I had to spit them out. But Totoro did help me hang out my washing, I throw it on the line and she puts the clothes pegs on, I saw it on Blue Peter, how to teach your pussy tricks, it was very educational and practical at the same time.

But why have names? Well you cannot keep on grunting, well apart from Heavy Metal people, Steelworkers, not musicians. Though they do both bang a lot and have a lot of rhythm. Put this there and do that, with thingy, and bobs your uncle, not unless your sister in law has forgotten to shave again. That’s why shaving was invented, to differentiate between the sexes, simple really.

We name things to bring order, I’ll have 17 pints of Stella and a packet of cheese of onion crisps. It just would not work with, I’ll have 17 dodas, and a chapaa of onion crisps. It would sound too much like Lenny Bruce was getting the drinks in. So, by using words we get the right thing, the right stuff and not the wrong stuff. It must have been very tiring having to give names to everything, Mr Webster or was it Pepys must have been very tired when he was finished. No wonder he went to Greggs for a pasty was that what caused the Great Fire of London? But at least the Arabs invented numbers so he could write his insurance claim out properly.

This has been a meandering tale, I didn’t name names, but I did drop a few hints, you can name things for yourself, I have to take my roasters out now, they should be ready to eat. I’ll tell my girls I burnt them, then I won’t have to share them. This is what parental responsibility is after all, LYING. Ok be good Julian, if you don’t  get that job on Just a Minute, a least you can become a Lounge Bar Piano Player, be Les Dawson instead of Nicolas Parsons, or I am no vicar,  no I did not say wearing no knickers. Switch your hearing aid on.