Looking your Best ©
By Michael Casey
Of course I always look my best, my very best, with my stubble and breadcrumbs hanging from my mouth. If you don’t believe me the just look at today’s photograph. I need a haircut too, I was going to lie in the grass and get a quick short back and sides as the good neighbour was cutting the lawn. But I resisted the temptation, though at this point in my life I’ll give in to all temptations. Though none are offered, maybe it’s the way I look?
So, what about you? Do you always look your best? Or are you, a take me as I am man, or woman? If none of us bothered then the Beauty Industry would be out of business. My old pen friend Jana was actually in a Euro Advert for Dove soap. She was stopped in the street and that led to the advert shown Euro wide. She is Czech after all, and twenty years ago when I visited Czech I did notice lots of beautiful people. Though now I just live with them, as my daughters are very pretty, it’s the Birmingham/Shanghai mixed blood you know.
But where was I? Sat here scratching my stubble, and why is stubble so scratchy? Answer that and you can have a prize, a photo of me in shades all stubbled up, or you can just look online and I can save on postage. Men are the scruffiest of all, with stains on their track suits from where they spilt their tea, or just peed down the side of their leg while on the toilet. Do they not know how to aim, they should sit at all times, and then their track suits wouldn’t be as stained. And certainly not as smelly. Wives and girlfriends wash their lads’ stuff in the same wash as the dog’s blanket, and their incontinent granny’s stuff. So as not to pollute the rest of the family’s fancy clothes, all the way from Primark.
I just paused for a day while I showered and shaved, so I look slightly better than the latest photograph from yesterday. I like my readers to see what they are getting, luckily there is no smell with my words, or you’d all be opening a window right now. I do wash but, it’s my cheap and cheerful spray I use, it gets right up your nose, but it does keep the flies away, they use it to clean the drains. Jeyes Fluid in a little perfume bottle. Or am I joking?
Now how do you look your best? Well washing and combing your hair helps, otherwise I look like Dave Allen, finger intact, but hair all over the place. If you flick your hair one way then you look too much like Hitler, flick it the other way then you look like a male model. A comb is a deadly weapon, use it wisely or best not at all. Boris has his hair combed for tv by the makeup girl, then he tosses it again, so he looks like he’s just got out of bed.
A hairdresser is like a general lining up all the troops, but instead it’s the hair. Dandruff has to be killed without mercy, Head and Shoulders really works, as do the copy cat versions. So, a hairdresser knows how to manage your hair for you, or in these Covid19 days, just trust your girlfriend or your aged mum.
Once you have been dunked your grannie will throw a bucket of water over you to rinse away all the dandruff and suds. Next you have to dry your hair, so grannie will get you in a head lock and dry your hair with a towel. Hair driers weren’t invented in her days, so a towel on the head it’ll have to be. If your lucky she’ll use a clean towel and not the one she used on Rover the dog when he came in from a morning walk in the woods. Once finished grannie will attack your head with a comb, though a hedgehog might hurt less. Then only when she is satisfied will she release you, but she spots a stray hair, so she spits a greenie into her palm before rubbing it into your head. Perfect she exclaims.
You want to wash your hair again, but there is no time, the doorbell rings. It’s your girlfriend, your hair looks great she says. So, grannie is vindicated. You smile at her and your grannie. So now you really are looking your best, so you leave all smiles. You tell your girlfriend that grannie was a little rough and your head hurts a bit, so your girlfriend consoles you by resting your head on her cushions, her 38DD cushions.
just a few translations for you all, the FULL list is on the site if you go look for it
Thanks for reading my stuff, my bewilder readers North South East and West and maybe on the Space Station too that’s if a fake email is to be believed. If you write in ENGLISH with a proper SUBJECT LINE or via the WordPress thing you may get a reply. But then you’d wish you didn’t bother, ha ha ha
Stay happy and be gentle when you wash your grannie’s hair, All things with Love.
Michael Casey in Birmingham ENGLAND
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