The Return of Darth the Once Mighty ©
By Michael Casey
Now as
I’ve mentioned Darth is a Warrior with a capital W. Well that’s almost true,
apart from his weaknesses, mainly Mead, or Beer in today’s parlance. Darth is
from Viking times, but he would not listen to anybody, Vikings are a bit like
that, so he ended up sailing off the end of the world. The earth is flat after
all. Darth screamed, may the gods help me, but they did not, but God did help
him.
So,
Darth found himself in 1987 alive and in pencil, on a dogeared piece of paper
all bound with a shoe lace. Imagine the indignity of it all. Though he did
discover that 1987 beer was ok, never as good as Mead, but he could not
complain. Darth met the lads from StatsMR computer room and they super glued a
red read/write ring to his left ear lobe, and for balance a blue read/write
ring to his right ear lobe. They told him he looked so good, and Darth slurred
one day Michael Casey will be a famous writer, but the lads just laughed and
got another round in. Though Mark Alder drew a cartoon of Michael Casey in the
style of William Shakespeare, as he was a comedian.
Now
Darth did have a companion, a dwarf a very big dwarf, more like a Michelin Man
size dwarf, who drank and belched and farted, but in tune to anything playing
on the Jukebox in the Horse Trader bar. Falstaff was so talented that way,
though when Falstaff drunk too much, more that 25 pints and 14 packets of
crisps and 7 bags of scratchings something horrible happened. No not that. Falstaff
would turn Plastic, just like a giant piece of garden furniture. So, the lads
had to keep count, or plastic would happen.
So, as
it was closing time the lads all scattered, the weekend beckoned, Darth was
left to carry a plastic Falstaff away, if he could survive the subway near the
small brook, it was said to be dangerous, the lads did warn him to watch out.
But Fate came a calling, some other lads out for a weekend of 1987 drinking and
wenching saw Darth in Viking gear carrying a giant plastic dwarf on his back,
so naturally they laughed and mocked him in the subway next to the Asian food
store. Debbie was there and she witnessed what happened and told the Statsy
boys on the Monday. The yobs, let’s give them their true name, the yobs mocked
Darth and his plastic Falstaff dwarf, it was too much for any Viking to accept.
So, Darth dropped the plastic Falstaff and started singing Michael Bolton
songs, he was very drunk after all. The yobs laughed and jostled him, Darth was
outnumbered but on he sung, Can I Touch You there, Michael Bolton came to the
rescue, then plastic Falstaff awoke farting and belching in time to Michael
Bolton’s Can I touch You there. A dwarf fart is a mighty weapon, and the yobs were
vanquished. Debbie smiled she recognised the read/write rings, and then as
Darth outstretched his hand to help Falstaff off the floor, there was a flash,
no not because of fart and cigarette combined, though Paul Flash might remember
a story about that. No, it was the space time continuum, Darth disappeared into
space and time, taking his dwarf friend Falstaff with him.
So,
since 1987 Darth and his plastic dwarf friend Falstaff have been in the ether,
waiting just waiting for the gods to call him back. Now it’s 2020 and the clock
is ticking, the clock is ticking, I just changed the battery, maybe I should
change it more often than every 33 years. My clock has chimed, and through the
clouds Darth is falling to earth, not a spaceman, but a Viking and a Dwarf, not
even a Red Dwarf, just a grubby beer
stained dwarf called Falstaff. May the gods help us screams Darth, again the
gods do nothing, but God is listening. Darth and Falstaff fall through the roof
of Saint Mary’s where thieves had stolen some lead and there was enough space
for a Viking riding and gliding down through the sky sat on a plastic dwarf
could fall. Splash landing, Darth and Falstaff land in the Baptismal font. They
would get zero for technical merit, but 10 for level of difficulty if this were
the Tokyo Olympics diving competition.
After
all these years Darth was thirsty so he drunk the Baptismal Font dry as
Falstaff awoke and wondered where the nearest pub might be. Climbing out the
font, Darth spied the vicar, Quasimodo, it was not her real name but some
bright spark had christened her that when she was spotted ringing the church
bells, when she had first arrived.
Now the
gods may have not listened to Darth, but God had been listening to Quasimodo
over and over and over again, she was plain, but she had a heart of gold, if
only she could find a man and have a child, one would be enough, somebody to
love and be loved by. But who would have her? Darth was a strapping big man, so
big he could be Ukrainian, though Darth did explain he was a Viking. Was God
playing tricks on her, or was the altar wine too strong. She prayed for a man,
and now there were two, both falling through the hole in the roof, she thought
they were lead stealers at first, but she could tell they were not. She had
done English and History at Queens before getting the call, the vocation, come
follow me.
Quasimodo,
was a great priest, she spent all her time reading, and not because she as so
plain and nobody would ever want her. She was just so terrible shy too. God
looked on, he had answered her prayers, twice over, now she could not make her
mind up. So Quasimodo did what any girl would do, she rung a friend, she rung
Fatima her friend from the Fence company down the road. Fatima was always kind,
some thought to kind, she may build fences having inherited her dad’s Fence company,
but she was a chatterbox. It’s always the case, opposites attract. Some cruel
people in fact said the pair of them were too close, if you know what I mean,
some people are so cruel and gossip hurts, really hurts deeply. But they were
thankful for the friendship between them, and Quasimodo was great at getting splinters
out after Fatima had had a busy day. Quasimodo was seen kissing Fatima’s finger
after she extracted a really bad splinter, and you can guess the rest.
Fatima
came running, Falstaff smiled and moved forward, so obviously Fatima punched
him hard and followed up with a kick to his groin, a girl had to know how to defend
herself after all. Quasimodo put herself between Fatima and Darth, as she was
about to be hit next, in doing so Quasimodo fell over and would have banged her
head on the font, but Darth caught her. He looked into her eyes, and it was
love at first sight, she had literally fallen for him. Meanwhile Fatima realised
violence was not called for and held out her hand and lifted Falstaff from the
floor. Falstaff was still rubbing himself with one hand, Fatima laughed. As she
laughed Falstaff realised, she was more beautiful that a table full of ale and
24 packets of Walkers cheese and onion crisps. Yes again, love at first sight.
God
works in mysterious ways said Quasimodo and Fatima agreed, no need of fences
any more. All four of them sat, and Falstaff began to sing, he knew all the
Abba back list. That’s how they spent the evening singing Abba songs, sat next
to the font. Quasimodo had an idea, if they held a concert they could raise
funds to repair the hole in the church roof.
Abba sung by Norsemen, such a simple idea, so it was decided. Now how
could Qausimodo and Fatima accept such strange events? Well old Mrs Houseman had
said before she died that as soon as she got to Heaven, she’d find two strapping
men for them, and then nobody would ever call them Lesbians again. She was
always very direct Mrs Houseman, she’d even said she’d throw them through that
hole in the church roof. So it must be the work of God, so obvious Quasimodo
believed, she was a vicar after all.
The
concert arrived and Falstaff and Darth were ready, the posters showed them,
they were posted everywhere up the street. Women thought they were male
strippers and obviously they came in force. Men thought they were WWW wrestlers
so they came too. So some were disappointed by what they saw in the church
hall. But ABBA are universal, the local
lesbians came too, because the believed the rumours about the vicar, so wanted
to show solidarity. When Darth sung with Falstaff joining in all were amazed,
and even more amazed when the vicar Quasimodo appeared in silver spangled hot
pants, Fatima matched her with the same costume. And yes they were great
singers too. David had come along too to play the organ, David was world famous
in the area for his organ playing. All in all a wonderful night. Lots of money
collected to fix the church roof, just left in the collection baskets.
David’s bald
patch glistened, Quasimodo and Fatima kissed his bald patch and David went red,
he was so embarrassed, Fran his wife laughed. Everything was so perfect, David and
Fran would cycle home on their tandem laughing. But somebody else was laughing
all the way to the bank, Quasimodo had raised enough for a new roof as they raised
the roof with Abba music. However is always lurking. Lewis the local bad boy
knew this was his chance, he’d steal the money, and be off to Paris, he always
wanted to go to Paris. Now with the roof money he could go with his Honey.
After
the concert Quasimodo kissed Darth, and Fatima kissed Falstaff. Then the girls
proved they were no lesbians, the local lesbians saw the kissing as the crowd
filtered home. They weren’t sad, at least Quasimodo and Fatima had somebody
strong to lean on, and there was a lot of leaning going on.
Now in
the night Lewis climbed down from the roof dressed as an angel and attempted to
steal the money. Darth caught him and Falstaff awoke from their position in the
choir loft to find Darth strangling the angel. In fact the whole world saw this
as Quasimodo had a camera for online church services. Quasimodo and Fatima came
running in their nighties, as Fatima had stopped over, as she’d had too much
church wine as part of the roof raising celebrations and could not drive. Quasimodo’s
nightie got caught on a candlestick, and in the gloom the whole world saw an unfrocked
vicar. Darth decided in a nanosecond he’d marry her. As for Fatima, she had
layers or fences around her, but Falstaff knew she was the one for him. As for Lewis
the angel, he was strung up like a Christmas fairy and suspended by the bell
rope, he was left there for the Police in the morning.
Darth
asked Quasimodo to marry him and have a small family, 8 children was considered
small in Viking terms. Of course Quasimodo said yes, you can ring my bell is what
she said, as she began to sing the song. What of Falstaff and Fatima, or double
FF as the couple were known. Well they only had 4 pregnancies but each was of twins,
hence their nickname, double FF, which represents Fatima and Falstaff. And
Falstaff never turned plastic again.
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