D.I.Y. Haircut ©
By
Michael Casey
Where do
I begin, which is most important thing when giving yourself a haircut, well you
start at the eyebrows, I do have bushy eyebrows if I fail to trim them. As you
know I cut them off with a scissors when I was 4 or so, then when I was 13 or
14 and learning some French for Mr Notzing the best teacher ever, I plucked
them as naked an over ready chicken. So my sister painted some on, nobody
noticed the first day, but on the 2nd day they did. Luckily I was
13.5 stones so nobody took the mick.
So be
careful, that’s all I’ll say, not unless you want your class mates to think you
are Eddie Izzard, and in the 1970s everybody wasn’t as open to everything as
they are, or should be nowadays. You need to find the scissors first, they may
have been used to scape chewing gum from your daughter’s boots, or even dog
pooh, people just grab the first things that come to hand, so disinfect first,
just to be on the safe side. Or if you are lucky you have those comb scissors
that look like a comb on one blade with a hopefully pooh free 2nd blade, though bubble gum could
be worse, have you ever had bubble gum in your hair? Oh, just seagull pooh, it’s
supposed to be good luck, though how the seagulls get as far inland as
Birmingham the centre of the country I’ll never know.
Now
safety first, cover your eye with your hand, or if you have a spare Pirate
patch wear that over the eye where you are going to eyebrow trim. I have the
Pirate scars myself from my heart bypass, and yes that sexy photo of my bare
chest really is me from 5 years ago, before my hernia started to poke through
like a breast. And you all thought I was a bit of a woman already, you so very
cruel, maybe one day a Korean girl is smitten by my scared torso, etc etc etc,
as the King of Siam used to say. But back to the plot, standing in front of a
mirror ever so carefully begin to trim your eyebrow, but make sure the bathroom
door is locked, otherwise you’ll get knocked over and be blinded, or have dodgy
eyebrows that Youths think make them look hard. Sorry you just look really STUPID, but who am I to
judge, I do trim the Pope’s eyebrows for him, but that’s another story. A bit
of which is in my 19th books and the 1st story inside, so
go look.
The comb
scissors are the best, however if you cut too
much don’t try to match it on the other eyebrow, as you’ll always end up
cutting and trimming more and more as you attempt to reach balance, and just
end up like an oven ready shaved chicken. Basically you are stuffed, but
without the sage and onion up your behind. So once you have finished your
eyebrows, step back and admire yourself in the bathroom mirror, but don’t trip
over the toilet and drop the scissors down the bog. You really really need
those scissors, no matter what’s in the toilet, your hand will have to go down
and retrieve the scissors. Otherwise you’ll look like a Yeti. So always Prepare before you start. Flush and
clean everything, and but the toilet lid down, and put plugs in bath and sink.
Five minutes prep will save the day. And don’t forget to pull the blind down on
the bathroom window, you don’t have frosted glass on that window, you don’t
want your neighbours laughing at you. Which reminds me of a story, The Shy
Girl, I wrote it for a 2nd girl, and after she read it she did speak
to me for 6 weeks. It may be on one of my sites, or I’ll load it up, its over
20 years old.
So your
eyebrows are done, so you shave your ears next, well I do anyway. Be careful
not to use a brand new blade, shave your behind first, then use the same blade
on your ears. That way you won’t cut your ears to bits, you could end up
looking like Mike Tyson had had a go at you in the ring, or is it bathroom.
Also as you have blunted the blade there won’t be any nicks, or if they are
nobody will ever know, not unless you sit side saddle. Which reminds me of
another story about a bolt up my bum, and then I did have to sit side saddle. My
eldest brother came home from Oxford University and asked me to show him my scar.
The joys of large families, 50 years ago.
So you
are confident now so you can start cutting the hair on your head, your bum,
ears and eyebrows are done. Once again, safety, cover your ear with your hand
as you cut the hair all around it. You could even put headphones on upside
down, so as you listen to music you protect your ears, otherwise you might cut a piece off your ears and end
up looking like a Vulcan. You can cut away to your hearts content because as
you are in lockdown nobody will see you. Or in my case my hair grows like
Japanese knotweed, that’s why Orientals find me so attractive, please
yourselves as Frankie Howerd might say.
Now I
think you’ve had enough of my Hair, though in the Musical isn’t that a theme
song and they all end up naked. See I may have given you an idea for you own weekends
entertainment, Singing. Be careful if you do cut your hair, I am very tempted
myself, as my hair really does grow so fast, where I live there are loads
and loads of hair places, but now they
are all shut due to Lockdown. Maybe they are all singing Hair from that
Musical, or have they filmed me in bathroom, I always forget to put the blind
down. Michael’s Bathroom is another story I seem to remember, in it a bread
knife falls down the toilet, so obviously I retrieve it, how else can I make my
sandwiches on my crusty cobs?
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