Dr Who, Me a Woman?

Dr Who, Me a Woman?

By

Michael Casey

It’s been announced on the telly, Dr Who is a woman, Jodie Whittaker who, or should I say Dr Who. So now we have somebody almost as young and as attractive  as me to be the Time Lord. It was going to be me you know, yes didn’t you hear it down the Trader in Old Forge and Singing Anvil, Michael Casey to be the next Time Lord. Maybe the sound of the bingo numbers being called drown it out.

I met the producer of the Dr Who series in the toilets of the Trader, he was trapped in his Tardis, ok in the 3^rd cubicle, the one with the dodgy lock and after I passed extra scripts so he could wipe his aspirations he discovered he was trapped in space and time. I only went back because I’d left my copy of the Daily Telegraph by the sinks, and I heard him banging on his Tardis door. So as I had saved him from being left locked in a toilet overnight he said I could have a try out for the 13^th Dr Who position.

I told him it was time a woman, a female, a good looking female was the next Dr Who. He said he agreed, so I arrived the next day in my best frock. I do a drag act on the weekends, me and Barry do a singing act at the Bell and Pump on Broad Street. So there I was doing a read through for the Dr Who producer. I am a natural 46 inch chest, but in drag its 60 inch, and I wear a silver wig, which is my natural hair colour but the wig shows what my hair would be if I didn’t cut it every 3 months. I wear a tight red skirt which hugs my huge arse, my neighbour once said she could park her bike up it, so I never bend down in front of her house any more. I do my shoelaces up before I leave home.

I was wearing my old hush puppies too, a man has to have a bit of comfort if he is on his feet all day. I used to do 12 hour shifts on several of my former jobs, including night shifts. So thus attired I was asked to pretend I was Dr Who meeting aliens, sorry I cannot do a Brummie accent I joked, even though I was born in Birmingham. Too many years speaking clearly for my Shanghai wife means I have an unaccented voice, our kids actually sound posh English. No Rada training required.

So I pretended to be my own mother, I can do an Irish accent, and away I went. Stop or I’ll phazer you, and if it gives you a headache I’ll give you pills Holsten Pils, you’ll soon forget the headache. I said Spock was really really really great with children, he’d even written books on the subject. I then broke into the song Klingons on the Starboard Bow, and so on.

The producer went away to the toilet, he was in there for ages, he missed 90 mins of my act. He came back with black hands, I was nothing to do with Klingons on his anything. I think it was him that stole my Daily Telegraph, it was news print. He’d been reading Tim Stanley and all those others in a Tardis like cubicle instead of watching me audition as a female Dr Who.

I thought I’d try one last trick to get the part, I hitched my skirt higher and let him see my strong strapping legs. In the gloom my surgery scars looked like the seams on silk stockings. I had shaved my legs then rubbed the Daily Telegraph down them, to make the ink simulate stockings, like they did in the war but in reverse. Then I bounced, not pounced on him and put my tongue down his throat, just like in Alien. The part would surely be mine, I would be the new the 13^th Dr Who, a female one too, I am all woman after all when I’m in drag. Just ask the Police who patrol Broad Street if you don’t believe me.

Three minutes later as he lay on the floor a purple look on his face, his breathing laboured, I thought I had really turned him on. Only I had not, so me and Barry, who had come with me to offer support, it was Barry’s best bra I was wearing after all, so me and Barry left.We hurried down the road Man United were playing at Villa Park, and Barry was a season ticket holder.

So that’s how I Michael Casey the fat silver haired writer has stayed just that, and Jodie Whittaker some schoolgirl from Saint Trinians or something is the next Dr Who. And you know what, she’ll be great because she’ll be wearing a pair of my old Y fronts every time she’s playing the part. Just to remind her that though Dr Who is now a woman, he or is it she was once a man, its more than pants after all.