The Time Machine

The Time Machine ©

By

Michael Casey

My life seems to be repeating itself at the moment, mind you, you all may say it always does that always. I’ve just watched the end of a modern version of The Time Machine on the telly. I remembered that I had a copy of The Outline of History on my book-self to my right, this too was written by H.G.Wells. He also wrote The Invisible Man, you may have seen the tv series with the Russian from The Man from Uncle in the title role, but then again you may not have seen it.

Watching the Time Machine made me realise just how fast time is. Is approaching 50 years since I read The Outline of History at Primary School, Mr Lester the Head teacher gave it to me as a leaving present. Yes I was a History geek at primary school, so History and Time is in my blood. I still feel that my life has not yet started. My big daughter is waiting to start her A levels and then I hop go to Cambridge to do Medicine, her younger and smarter little sister may be a Phd in something else. Or she may just become the new Julie Walters.

It would just be nice to achieve something more, yes 2 clever daughters is great, but selfishly what about something for me. Time   is ticking more loudly, my own ticker is held in check by beta blockers, but can I achieve a little thing for me, please.

So that’s my feet of clay, perhaps I should become Beckham’s new best friend and we can discuss humility down the local kebab shop. I can tell him to buy Gillette G3, one blade lasts 3 months. Or 8 in his case, that’s why he sports the rough look on occasions. We could advertise Dr Pepper, my favourite pop. Though I do enjoy a random Stella Artois, 12 pints a year probably.

When you first start to drink you drink Mild which is like dish water, and then you graduate to Cider, any cider. Then you may discover lager, Stella Artois hits the spot. A Time Detective can tell your age or where you are in your allotted time just by looking at the drink on the table before you, or spilled on the carpet. The size of your beer gut also betrays your age and your social status. Time, Tide and Belly waits for no man.

The same can be said for your shopping habits, they betray you. They also indicate the Time in your marital status. Pizzas and cereals indicate family. Marks and Spencer meals for one indict a career girl or a divorced man. Tesco is family Ocado is success, or they send you free coupons and you stuck with them. Besides you can bulk buy Whiskas cat food via Fetch, Ocado’s pet shop, they give coupons too, and Totoro your cat enjoys climbing the food mountain under the  kitchen table.

The seasons of our lives change, I still feel 20 in my head and I look younger than I am due to being fat, fat people don’t have wrinkles as any child, or mine, will tell you/me. My internal organs now they are 95 at least, I won’t be donating them after death. And some nights when the pain monster comes calling I really don’t fear Death as that would see the end of pain.

So attitudes change with Time, you think you need to be more Hedonistic as you’ll be dead soon. Or in plain English, when um dead um dead, so enjoy life now. Streak through Iceland asking have they seen Ken Dodd, was it true they had frozen his assets, or was that just a prawn cocktail of a story. If you are reading this Sir Ken, can I borrow 100,000 of your old jokes, as for the tickling stick can I borrow that for some dusting, the French Maid refuses to stand on the kitchen table.

If you can remember Ken Dodd on Top of The Pops then you really are getting old, but refuse to die down. I hear songs and I say I remember that when it was first on the radio. Now though there are nostalgia stations on the radio, so you can live in a time warp. If you go see the Rocky Horror show you can see them dance the Time warp, I’ve seen it on the stage a few times, even with the creator running down from the back of the rep to take the applause.

So revivals of theatre productions remind you of your days when you went to the theatre a lot, or to see bands in bars. But marriage and children end all that. You go shopping to see your brood and you remember that the new local discount store is on the site of Radfords an old department store where you bought your first ever chess set. I still have that chess set its in a wooden box in a draw in my chest of drawers. No not in my drawers, a bishop and pawns in your drawers is not advisable. In my chess of drawers, Boris sneaks in everywhere, he is the master of the double entendre, whatever that is.

And on it goes your life and your decline, aided and abetted by wine, age and wealth leads to wine and whining. You decide to have a fling with the girl from the takeaway, there’s 40 years age difference, but she wants to learn English and you do have a large back catalogue. So Egg Fried Rice leads to Vice, despite your own inner voice. And that’s why you are prawn crackered. It was your accent that was so attractive, you remind her of a fatter Benny Hill, and its ok she’s on the pill. So did you give in despite it being a sin.

I’ll leave it there as the cat wants to go out, and have I let the cat out of the bag, and I cannot think of any more rhymes to explain imaginary crimes. Because when you are old your time has run out, even if the egg fried rice has not.