Because I'm Worth It(c)
By
Michael Casey
We've all seen the ads for perfume or something, I use Jeyes Fluid, a drain cleaner, behind my ears myself. We've also had the news that News Readers' Salaries at the BBC are to be disclosed. So how do you feel if everybody knew what you earned?
Me I'm an impecunious punk, I know because that's what my brother called me in 1971 in a letter he sent to me at Romesley Field Training Course, he did add a pound note in the letter though.
So Avril why are you worth such a large some of money? Because I deliver the teas to the executive board of the company. But you are 79 and should be in a retirement home. But I love my job. No Avril, its really time to retire, don't cry over my spreadsheet. What's that you want to show me your final set of holiday snaps. Ok, but then be off with you to the retirement home. These are pornographic photos you have given me. Yes my grandson works on security, if you look closely you are looking at your own arse, instead of talking out of it. What do you want? You can stay serving the tea, see how magnanimous I am. No, I'll retire to your holiday home in Bermuda, Because I'm Worth It.
Tv stars earn big money because their agent steals 25% of it in fees, or so that’s what I’ve reading the Press.So how do their appraisals go? Well Francis, how’s the programme been? Do call me Frankie, that’s what the audience call me as I am so hip and groovy after all. Or are you talking about the AA program, I thought nobody knew about that? Or do you mean the substance abuse program or the. I’ll interrupt you Francis, sorry I mean Frankie just the stuff we pay you for.
It’s going well, but how did you know about the other stuff? It is an Investigative Journalist programme.We didn’t it’s the Catholic Guilt you have left over from when you were a catholic, you are a habitual confessor. Oh Sugar.Do you mean Alan? No I mean Oh Sugar, not oh Sugar. Do you want sugar in your tea? That’s perverted, oh you mean a sweetener in my tea. We don’t do sweeteners we are the BBC.
Which brings me to the reason why I called you here to the Ritz for tea, I’m sorry to say you have to go. Go where I’m on holiday, so I can’t do any foreign holiday reporting till I’ve finished my holiday to Bermuda, Avril says my room is spick and span and just waiting for me. Frankie you are sacked. You mean I’m F F F Fired? Yes.
Why?
Because you are NOT worth it.
Then Frankie sells his story to Hello magazine with pictures of him with his head in his hands. He re-emerges on Channel 99 as a new host earning double the salary, meanwhile the BBC employ a researcher with a double first in PPE from Cambridge as the new host of Frankie’s old show, on a quarter of Frankie’s old salary. Obviously she’s a lesbian , as the BBC has quotas to fill after all, she is great at her job. She keeps a diary as it could be worth it in the future. My life as an undercover lesbian at the BBC. The trouble with Media people is that they examine themselves too much.
My own diary is my Total Recall of the Past, apart from what I had for breakfast or did I take all my pills today. I’ll leave it there for today, you have had 2 pieces and a poetry selection form me for today, so I hope you go and buy some of my 14 books, because I’m worth it.
Only 3 usd each.
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