In the morning Shakespeare's Birthday here's some of my plays

In the morning Shakespeare's Birthday

in the morning, 23rd, Shakespeare's Birthday

I was once called Shakespeare's Agent

for an essay I wrote, 3rd Level Open University

73% I seem  to remember over 30 year ago

So as I'm in far too much pain to write now

Here's something to keep you going

and it is my  copyright

Essays And Plays ©

 

By

 

Michael Casey

 

 

 

This is a collection of Essays and Plays.

 

 

 

 Essays And Plays ©

By

Michael Casey

This is a collection of Essays and Plays.

The Dead and The Living (c)

by

Michael Casey

I first saw a deceased when I was nine years old ,my father said not

to worry as the dead are the same as the living , only the laughter

has left them , the sparkle has gone from their eyes , the worry has

been lifted from their shoulders , and their voice has vanished to

eternity .

In paradise the sparkle will return for it is the twinkle of the

stars , the laughter will return too for it is the morning breeze and

the turning tides are their sides shaking with laughter .

I treat the deceased with the same courtesy as I give to the living ,

though I find the deceased are always more polite . My father also

had a few words to say about the living .

He said that the living are only the caretakers of the soul , yet

they think their existence is everything , that they know everything

because they experience many things with their senses .

What the living don't acknowledge is that their time is short and

when I lay their bodies to rest then their souls continue without

them , without their strong , without their weak , without theirbeautiful or even ugly temporary form , to where I cannot say , only

that it is a better place .

Percy the undertaker placed the lid on the coffin ,the soul was free

THE BEGINNING

The trouble with Technology (c)

By

Michael Casey

The trouble with technology is that we all use it , now if we just left it all alone then we all have no

problems . Simple really but we all just cann't leave it alone , we all just have you use it . In the

beginning if we wanted water we'd fetch the bucket and drop it down a well . My mother was born just

30feet from the sea , but they were fortunate because they had their own well , so they went outside and

dropped the bucket down the well and then they had water . Then technology comes along and we just

turn a tap and we have clean water instantly . We have hot water too , at the turn of a tap . In one

generation so many changes . However technology then works against us , because we assume it will

always work and that there will be no problems

We don't even know where the stopcock is , so our homes flood and then we discover we are not

covered by our insurance .

My mother grew up with an oil lamp hanging above , no luxury of gas lamps for her , as for electricity ,

that was just a dream . Nowadays how could any society manage without electricity , its impossible to

believe life without electricity . No tv , no radio , no freezers , no street lighting , no traffic lights, the

list goes on and on . As for indoor plumbing , the luxury of a hot bath , the WC in the home . My

mother grew up with no indoor plumbing , if you needed the bathroom as the American's say , then

you'd leave the house and pick your spot in a field with the cows gazing on , as for toilet paper you had

a blade of grass to wipe your %^** . As for me we did not have such hardships , we had an outside

WC , which we did not have to share with any other family , just 8 Caseys sharing our outside

bog/toilet . There was a yard light to illuminate the way and a light in the toilet too . Which was sheer

luxury compared to my mum's and my dad's childhoods . My dad would always come home and

immediately switch off the yard light because it was wasting electricity . Then a shout would go up

"Put the light on" , and my dad would always say "I didn't know" . Then there was the indignity of

running out of paper . My brother Tony had a very good sense of humour so it was always the case thatI'd shout from the yard "More Bog Roll" which is the English slang for toilet paper . Tony was kind so

he'd always bring out a fresh supply of paper , only he liked to tease so he'd push one sheet , just one

sheet of paper under the door and say that's all there was in the house , and that mom said I'd have to

use my finger . Then he'd go away laughing . He always left a full roll of paper on the doorstep , much

to my relief .

Simple technology , we all take for granted , water and electricity . What does all this technology do for

us ? It gives us independent comfortable lives , we have clean water , hot water , light and warmth .

Then with the miracle of TV we can all watch the world go by , from the comfort of our homes , or the

local bar whichever is our true home . We are now a global village as has often been said , but then we

become anti social as its easier to watch tv than to interact with real people , we'd rather watch fiction

on tv than have a real life . But with technology we can send an email to our neighbour across the road

, with pictures and video , rather than leave our castle homes , rather than going over for a coffee and a

bar of chocolate .That's one view the optimistic view says that we truly can break down barriers by

using the miracle of email to keep us connected though we are thousands of miles apart . I have to hold

my hand up and admit that I am an email Junky , I did send up to 5 emails a day to my friend in

another part of the office , because we were both having fun . Then when I fell in love with my one true

love it was ONLY because of the miracle of email that our love survived .I sent my girlfriend long

long emails everyday for 6 months . She was in Shanghai while I was in Birmingham . My heart was

breaking with love and hope until finally she came back to me . I'd come home from work at 3am and

hit the keyboard , with luck because of the time difference we'd actually be live and talking almost in

real time .You cannot imagine how heart rending it was to come home to an email , to get up in the

afternoon and read an email before going on night shift .I think whoever invented email should be

made a saint, without email our love would not have lasted . An exchange of letters takes 14 days from

Birmingham to Shanghai , so thank God for email and God himself KNOWS just how much I mean

that , Sainthood is not high enough reward for the inventor of email .Is it Saint Bill Gates ? The

telephone is fantastic , but too expensive , I know my phone bill reached 4 figures , but an email can be

read over and over again , and even printed off , so it is a letter.

So I confess email is the most important leap in technology of the 20th Century , as far as I am

concerned .

The next stage in the technology story are mobile phones that send/receive video and tv , so we are

literally wired up where ever we are in the world science fiction becoming science fact . We all used

empty match boxes to pretend we were Captain Kirk communicating to the Enterprise but now theyare here for real . If you have been in a theatre,church,hospital and these things bleep you have to

decide for yourself are they useful or just a real pain in the *&^% . On balance they are good , but

people have to be a lot more considerate , nobody else wants to hear their conversations if they are in

church or at the theatre or even cinema . I remember a conversation I had at dinner on Xmas Eve just

gone , the guy sat next to me happen to design mobile phones , he was very very good at his job , but I

did warn caution about saturation point being reached . Then today 4months on , I am proved right , the

mobile giants are in trouble , why , because of saturation point now being reached .

I don't want to end on low note , so I'll tell another anecdote , we all remember when we had our first

colour tv , how wonderful it was and how we all marvel and the colours . The BBC started showing

snooker because of the colours , and now tv without snooker would be unimaginable . Then remote

control came in , so we'd try different positions and even outside the house and through the glass into

the room where the tv was . Technology makes us all like children , its supposed to be a triumph of

engineering and technology but really its our greatest toy , and our greatest joy . On Saturday my dad

will come out of the old peoples home to spend the day with me and my Chinese wife in our home . I'll

be able to show him the internet and I hope I can bring tears of joy to his eyes as I show him County

Kerry on the computer monitor . Sitting in my living room in Birmingham he can read the Irish

newspapers and see his homeland where he started as a blacksmith in the 1930s . This is how we

should be using technology .

End

20/4/2001

Michael G Casey

Email michaelgcasey@hotmail.com

Internet Story ©

By

Michael Casey

So all I had to do was send an email , and then I’d be a writer , my book in every

shop , my face smirking from cardboard cut--outs of me holding my book aloft . My book

had a great title , so it was bound to sell . A Nation Of Shopkeepers was a great

title , if only people could remember their History , were people interested inHistory , and for that matter my book . It wasn’t a history book , would people think

it WAS a history book , and then not buy it . It was a comedy drama , about a street

of shops , interconnecting short stories , for all the family , but would people

notice the levels , the strands of humour , or would they say it’s a Ma & Pa book ,

and miss the joke , just as one publisher called did ?

I decided to keep the title , though I had a reserve title , The Butcher , The Baker

and The Undertaker . Then I realised the US market would rename it The Butcher , The

Baker And The Funeral Arranger . You don’t think about such things when you are

writing the book , you’re just happy , on a roll , in love with your own intellect ,

or just surprized you actually DO have any intellect , then you discover that you are

dyslexic , you really are dyslexic , thankfully not a really bad case , just

dyslexic . As you proof read you see you have put BUT instead PUT , LEAD instead of

READ , things like this and other strange things . Sure there are spellcheckers but or

is it put , you have to check it anyway . As you read you are surprized at your own

ability . You didn’t waste 4years in journalism school , but your writing is GOOD ,

Did I write that ? Then your chest filled with pride you get somebody else to read

it , and guess what ? They think its crap . So now you have to decide , should I give

up or should I carry on ?

I gave up for as while , while is a unit of years in my case , my life took another

path , so the writing was forgotten , it lay dormant for years , then like a phoenix

it arose , or more truthfully , like a tortoise awaking from hibernation , sleep still

in my eyes I slowly poked my head out , then back in , went back to sleep again , then

finally with the pangs of hunger in my stomach I just had to do something . In my case

it was eat , as in really eat , then I turned to my old Atari and realised it was not

PC compatible , so I bought a new , or rather an old new Atari which was PC compatible

. Then I spent a day copying my files so that I could read them on a PC . Then I wrote

a few more pieces before I realised I’d get nowhere in England . The chances of being

published were 1 in 2000 . So like a bear , I went back in my cave and slumbered .Meeting my wife Jing Jie was a turning point in my life , and not just because it was

like Thunder as Jing Jie calls it , it was a turning point because I had a

professional opinion on my writing , from a journalist at the very top of the tree .

Her uncle is an editor in chief , so his comments were and are like gold , worth more

than my first coffee and Cadbury’s chocolate , the pleasure rush I treat myself to

every day , his comments really were that important to me , and I really DO like my

Cadbury’s , so being better than Cadbury’s is the highest praise I can give . So I

knew the quality of my writing , even if others said and say its crap .

Getting a modern PC and internet connection was another turning point . Email in our

house is like water and electic in any other homes . Jing Jie can “talk” to her mum in

Shanghai every day . To friends all over the world as well . Birmingham IS the centre

of the universe .So with hope and fear I had to transfer my files from my old Atari to

the new PC . The floppy discs were old and battered , several were unreadable ,

finally my work , my babies were safely on the new PC . Just to be on the safe side I

set up a website , so now my work was on somebody’s server in the US , thousands of

miles away , safe from fire or theft . I could also put our new baby’s photos on the

web site so that my Chinese family in Shanghai and Maimi and friends all over the

world could see Annie and Jing Jie and me , they could even read my work too .

So now all I had to do was market my work in the US , simple really , soon I’d be

doing something useful with my life , making people laugh . I’d be a writing whore ,

I’d get paid to make others laugh , the best job in the world . So how would I set

about it ? I got a list of radio stations from the internet and started sending emails

galore . I’m talking in the hundreds now , to radio stations the length and breath of

the US .They could publicise my site then eventually I’d get published , or my play

would get produced . It was simple wasn’t it . So merrily I went about my business ,

sending emails galore . Years before I used to send off big heavy envelopes with my

work in , with more persistance than hope in my heart .”Thank you for your pieces of

paper“was the best put down . I once even met a writer and he agreed to to read myplay Shoplife , then he wrote back calling me a plagerist , because it was so good .

So I used his note as toilet paper , Shoplife was so good because I had 20years of

experience given to me by my sister , I just improved on it , but yet I was called a

Copyist , so naturally I was angry and used his note to wipe my bum .

I wondered why my strike rate was so low with my emails to radio stations , then

somebody casually mentioned , “You do know they will just delete anything with an

attachment” . In these days of viruses or worms which I’ve discovered is the new

trendy word , nobody can risk their PC , so I merrily send and they merrily delete .

I’d been wasting my time , but not my money because I’d got a 24/7 package on my

internet from AOL .However one radio station did read Shoplife . The DJ or is it

Host , he called it hilarious and he could not stop reading it . It turned out he was

an actor as well , though isn’t everybody an actor in the US ?

So I thanked him , and quoted him in my future advertising .Humour is a funny thing .

The things that make English people laugh are not the same as the things that make

Americans’ laugh . We are constantly told by people on tv that English TV is the best

in the world , the US material we see is the top 10% , the rest is rubbish . But I

know I’d never get my foot in the door in England so I had to persist with my American

campaign , so now I pasted in my material , no attachments . Just get them hooked ,

then paste in a sample then direct them to http://groups.msn.com/michaelcasey

Then bingo part2 of my life could begin ,I’d be the man that made America laugh , a

naïve sentiment , but it was honest .Only AOL turns things into zip files and some

people can’t unzip your files , its like wanting sex but your zipper is broke and you

can’t get your trousers off . Such a strong urge , but no fulfilment .

I switched to MSMAIL and pasted in my stuff , things started to happen , my files

weren’t being deleted or too zipped up to be read . At least I wasn’t frustrated any

more . Now I had an agent interested , and a new magazine , even a theatre replied

.All praise to Bill Gates , and to a Christian called Pat Verato who pointed me in the

direction of a few good sites .However some of the sites that I trawled through werejust , so very American . Hey , you too can be a writer , just send me 10 dollars and

I’ll send you my book “How to make 10 dollars” , and he does . Then there’s

magazines you can subscribe to , yes you’ve guessed it , just send another 10 dollars

“Writing for Beginners” . There’s all these agents too who are so successful ,

persuading tap dancing bus drivers to write about Tap Dancing For Bus Drivers , the

complete self help book , costs 10 dollars . The agent gets 20percent , and the bus

driver pays 5000dollars to print 500 copies , then he can boast he’s a writer , not

just a bus driver , and guess what if you pay 10 dollars you can learn to tap dance

too .

As for me , what do I think of all this ? I’d say just keep on writing , stop your

selling , or attempts at selling , just write a bit . Add to your catalogue of 3 poems

and 2 short stories , then search for an agent . Believe you’ll never be published and

then you won’t be disappointed. There is one final thing you can do though , just tell

everybody to go to my site http://groups.msn.com/michaelcasey

And help find a publisher for my book , and then you’ve guessed it , just send me 10

dollars !

End

Nov99 Michael G Casey email michaelgcasey@hotmail.com

Literary Criticism (c)

By

Michael Casey

I always thought I was a good writer , people told me so , and it

was what I wanted to hear , so naturally I believed it . That was until

Jee Ji came to live with me . She told me she'd read my stuff , my

"rubbish" and give an opinion , her uncles were influential , so perhaps ,

or just maybe they could help me get published or even produced . Then theworld would be my oyster , however I had forgotten one fundamental thing .

Jee Ji was Chinese , her English still had a long way to go , and besides

which would British humour travel as far as China , or as far as her

Chinese brain ?

So naturally I gave her my funniest story to read first , the true

yet surreally funny Czech story , and what did she say ? "Its boring", if

she had been a man or one of the lads from work I'd have punched her , or

at the very least called her an "ignorant bastard". But because I loved

her , I took the critism like a man and smiled , and that was a revelation

in itself , why ? Because I had found somebody whom I respected enough not

to curse at when the hated my work , my stuff , my "rubbish" . Love is a

strange thing , making you smile , instead of curse . So it at least

proved how much I loved her , I had told her that my stories were my

children , the product of my love , the only thing with meaning in my

life , with value in my life . Until true love came along in the form f

Jee Ji herself . So now we could discuss things , with love in our eyes ,

and my writing was , what it really was , just words on paper. Perhaps

someday my simple words would really have great value , but now I realised

what they were - words , just words , perhaps never to have any meaning ,

except to me alone . In the Bible it begins with "In the beginningh there

was The Word" , aand after that we have the Bible itself , and the rest is

History . So perhaps my humble words would have a beginning , and perhaps

my future words would have history too , obviously not as great as The

Bible , but I still dream that someday my words will have an effect on

people . I don't want to move mountains , just make people laugh , that's

enough for me . However humour is a funny thing , I cannot tell a joke to

save my life but sopmehow when I put words on paper I can make people

smile and even laugh . When I'm really relaxed and down the pub I canactually make people cry with laughter , and I don't know why , the tears

of laughter just flow , so perhaps when I write I should just relax and

pretend I'm down the pub and most of all , just don't try to be funny ,

just let the laughter flow naturally .

So much for the theory , the practice is that you write for years

and nobody pays a blind bit of notice , then you write one thing and hey

presto you are recognised as a "writer" , well in your office at any rate

. So you are suddenly "world famous" to a group of friends , if you are

lucky 30 friends , that's just how "world famous" I became . Offer any

other pieces of your "literature" and you are treated like a leper ,

"Unclean , Unclean" people almost say . I did get one real fan , and I

fell in love with her , only she didn't fall in love with me , as she

repeatedly said . However I did make a friend for life , which is better

than nothing . And I'm use to nothing , so that can't be bad .

Jee Ji revealed her uncles' connections , after I'd already

guessed , I was happy but not overwhelmed . I had a play accepted 12 years

ago , only it did not happen , so I've given up believing I'd ever be

acknowledged as a writer long ago . If a miracle happens and her family

decides to help me then that's wonderful , but I have her love and love is

the greatest gift of all , so I'm more than happy . World recognition as a

writer will never happen , not unless my mother who makes tea in Heaven

pulls lots of strings for me , having said that she sent Jee Ji so perhaps

helping me find my true vocation is next on my mother's list . "Blessed is

he who expects nothing" , so perhaps before I die I will be blessed , and

become a writer .

So that's how Jee Ji has become my literary critic , if I get 100

out of 100 she will pass on my work to her uncle , but she is the filter .

This makes me smile and is the ultimate irony , because her English isvery good , though her verbalising is not as good as what's in her head ,

and she still has to look words up in her electronic dictionary . So I

have a Chinese literary critic , who is still learning English !

So I gave her another piece to read , it was "Its all in the Stars"

a comedy based on me and Louise . This made her laugh and smile ,

occasionally Jee Ji would look up and ask "What Mean?" and spell out a

word and I'd explain and make her look it up in the dictionary . So I'd be

smiling as I watched her read my story , and then I'd smile even more when

she stopped to ask for explanations of English words . God really DOES

have the last laugh , first I have to write something funny , which is

hard in itself, then I have to write in such a way as to please a Chinese

girl . Now that is the future which I have to bear in mind . As for my

back catalogue , I just have to hope that with "The help of God and Two

Policemen " as my mum always used to say my old "stuff" will pass the

Chinese filter and get 100 out of 100 , and then a Chinese uncle in Miami

or a Chinese uncle in Shanghai will help this Birmingham England boy get

his foot in the door as a writer .

So I watch from my rocking chair as she reads , as I watch for

smiles I admire her beauty , though I call her and "ugly mug" as a joke ,

and as a way of making her realise that beauty is only skin deep . And we

both realise too its because we see each others heart that's why we are

sitting opposite each other , that's why I have a Chinese critic of my

British humour , and yes God really DOES have a truly great sense of

humour . If I can do the impossible then I will perhaps finally get my

chance to be a writer . Though I must immediately say that my mum does

make the tea in Heaven so I'm sure she's bribing Saint Jude , the patron

saint of the impossible , "Look , Saint Jude if you want the best tea for

all eternity , just help Michael my youngest son , let him make peoplelaugh for 70 years with his writing . But only if he can make his Chinese

girl give him 100 out of 100 . And only if its the Will of God." .So

basically that's the situation . Simple really , I just sit in my rocking

chair and watch Jee Ji smile and every now and then she says "What Mean?"

and I explain and she checks it out in her electronic dictionary , then she

laughs more when she reads the Chinese translation . I'm sure I can hear

God laughing in the background , but I REALLY do believe mum sent Jee Ji

to me , so I hope its just a matter of time before I get my foot in the

door and I get a chance to be a writer . Having said that perhaps I should

add that Time is God's greatest joke , didn't Padre Pio once say something

like "The prayers I will say tomorrow will have helped you yesterday ."

To finish , perhaps I should just teach Jee Ji more English and

then Hey Presto she'll see what a wonderful writer I am . I'm laughing now

at my own stupidity , its more likely she'll think even more how useless I

am as a writer , however God works in mysterious ways and another thing my

mother used to say was "Far Fetched , Like Shit from China." Why ? Because

our meeting and falling ion love is so unbelievable and so far fetched

just like "Shit from China" , so the ultimate joke is that it takes a

real Chinese miracle for me to find a girl AND get published .

Or can I hear God Laughing ?The Shy Girl ©

By

Michael Casey

Helen let herself in the house and shouted hello to her aunt as

she dashed up the stairs two at a time . This was usual for her on a

Friday night . Once in the bathroom she breathed a sigh of relief , her

aunt hadn't seen the carrier bags she was carrying . Helen put the plug in

the bath and then reaching into the Body Shop carrier she poured a liberal

amount of "enriching body bubble bath" into the bath before turning the

hot tap on . Next she hit the play button on the cassette and began to get

undressed , she got undressed slowly and deliberately , just as she had

read in Cosmo in the article on how to turn on your man . She'd been

practicing for three months now , she was very good at it.

Helen was twenty five and three months old , she wore baggy

clothes to hide her figure , for she was a shy girl , it was only on

Friday night when she reformed her ritual "temptress" routine before she

tried on her new clothes that she was truly free . All alone in the

bathroom with just a mirror for company Helen could act out her fantasies,

now she stood naked before the mirror , she took a bow , she really had

mastered the routine Cosmo had suggested . If only she wasn't so shy

if only she didn't hide her bust behind a baggy top and her bum behind a

loose fitting three quarter length skirt .

Helen took a long hard look at herself in the mirror , she'd

look good on any page three , only she never bought the Sun , just looked

at it over the shoulder of people on the bus . She always though "tart"

every time she got a glance of page three , but if only she could have a

thimble full of their brazenness , then she wouldn't be so shy , then she'd

have a steady boyfriend . When she reached 25 she promised herself thatshe'd stop being so shy , and for the past three months she'd being buying

things that would show off her figure , next week she was going to get

contacts too , after all men never made a pass at girls who wore glasses.

The only problem was that for three months she'd bought the nice if not

exactly sexy clothes , only all she did was try them on before neatly

folding them and putting them at the bottom of her wardrobe . She really

was a shy girl , some might think a frump , just to judge by outward

appearences , it’s just that she was shy , shy shy shy.

Her bath was ready so reaching in her carrier she reached for a

magazine before getting in the bath . This month the main article was

about sex , relationships and why can't men just be friends , there was a

picture from the film "When Harry Met Sally" above the article . Helen

started to read , her glasses steaming up already , she reached down for

her bar of Galexy taking a big bite as she read . Helen's friends had

started to get married and /or have serious relationships , she was

beginning to feel left behind , especially as once her friends had a man

they had less time for friendship with her . She read the article hoping

to find fresh insight into her situation . It was asking how far should

you go on your first date , second date and so on , there was even a chart

so you had an at a glance guide .

Helen thought of her last boyfiend , three months ago in fact ,

he had assumed that as it was her birthday the thing she'd like most

would be him ! He's pressed himself against her , and put his hand on her

breast , only she'd kneed him in the groin , and his fancy watch with its

even fancier watch strap had got stuck on her bra strap , so as she

stormed off , she had his Cartier watch dangling from her chest almost

like a nurse's watch .

She read on pausing for more chocolate , if only men were asnice as Galexy that would be something. She finished the article and

turned the page to be met with a picture of agent Fox Mulder from the X

files . She sighed , she wouldn't be shy with him that was for sure , mind

you millions of woman would doubtless say the same . She spent five

minutes adoring his picture before taking another bite of chocolate , and

then sinking lower into the bath , yes yes yes , oh yes , this chocolate

was something else , or was it Fox Mulder ?

There was another article about pets and stress levels , that

was quite interesting , apparently you live longer if you have a pet , as

you have something to love and it in return loves you unconditionally . if

only she could find a man like that . Mind you animals did have one major

disadvantage . they were very wanton , very caveman like . If a male

animal liked a female it just jumped and got on with it , perhaps she

should be wanton , just once , just to see if it worked , could you find

true love by being a tart just the once and hoping you'd found the man of

your dreams ? She closed her eyes and shook her head before saying out loud

, "a tart is a tart , is a tart " . Then she farted , giggled helplessly

as the bubbles disappeared . She thought of her friend Vicky , she was

like her , very shy and hiding her figure behind frumpy clothes , she'd

given herself away , only she'd got pregnant and the lad ran a mile , then

her mother threw her out , so she ended up running away to London to have

an abortion . Helen closed her eyes and shivered at the thought of it ,

she turned the hot tap with her big toe , she was determined that would

never happen to her . Why she'd even gone on the pill so determined was

she .

She just wished she'd meet somebody who was gentle and kind who

could make her laugh , and above all was not so fast , she wanted to be

courted , in fact she wanted to tell him , "you can put your hand on mybreast now" , perhaps she was longing for the 50s , even though now it

was nearing the millennium . She wasn't looking for a man with a book in

his hand all the time and she wasn't looking for a body builder either ,

Martin was just perfect only the one time he got carried away and had

touched her bum with one hand and felt her breast with his other hand ,

and without asking either . So naturally she'd kneed him in the groin ,

what else was she to do ? In fact the men at work called her "frigid"

behind her back , but she had to have standards didn't she ? It had been

the first time she'd ever closed her eyes , normally she'd keep

them open so she could keep a lookout for any roving hands , then the

first time she had relented and that had happened . Perhaps one day she'd

love and trust somebody enough to give into her animal insticts , but she

just wasn't ready now .

The bath water was getting cold now ,so she got out of the bath

and dried herself in front of the mirror , once she was dry she'd try on

her new clothes . She had bought some red skimpy underwear , a red knee

length skirt and a tight fitting blue top , as she got dressed she began

to laugh , if only people could see her now and when she got some

contacts she'd be really knockout . Then she sighed , she'd tried lots of

bright colours over the past three months , but in her heart of hearts she

knew she'd never wear them in public , she just didn't have the confidence

besides every time she looked at herself in the mirror the only word that

sprang to mind was "Tart" . But she would at least wear her contacts , it

was at least a start wasn't it ?So slowly and sadly she changed back into

her frumpy clothes , nobody would ever see her at her best . Except the

fourteen year old lad named Michael who had been watching through the

window from the house next door , for in her rush Helen had forgotten to

close the curtains . EndSep00The Watch and Me ©

By

Michael Casey

I suppose my love affair with the watch started when I was just a child

now 30 years on the passion is still there . I remember lifting up my

dad's shirt sleeve to look at the watch on his wrist , watching the second

hand sweep around and asking what time was it , not that I really

understood the concept of time , I knew midnight was always dark , that

was about it really . Oh apart from some special time called "opening

time" and "closing time" , our lodgers would pay their rent at the back

door before rushing off to the pub , it was a mystery to me .

A cousin of ours was to be ordained a priest in Dublin , so dad and

2 of my brothers went off to Dublin for the ceremony . I remember Tony

coming back with a watch on his wrist , it had a black strap and had a

small face , then at the bottom was separate dial with a second hand on

it , we all thought it was very posh . So being children we now used this

dial to see how long we could hold our breath , we'd take a deep breath

and pump up our cheeks then Tony waved his hands and we'd start our

endurance test . Only stopping when we fell over our faces brilliant red

and our eyes bulging . I remember Tony seemed to win this game always ,

not because he cheated but because he loved under water swimming so had

mastered holding his breath . Then we had a contest to run down the yard

past the hedge to the bottom of the garden and touch the fence and

come back and touch the wall of the house , we were all young and mad then

but such simple fun was all because we had a watch with a second hand .

Jim was our lodger for 20years , when he'd been with us for 11 years

I badgered him for a present , for a watch . if I passed the 11 plus exam.

Finally he gave in and gave me his own 2nd best watch , in fact I got itbefore I even sat the exam . So the watch Jim gave me was my first watch

ever . The trouble with leather watch straps is that they dig into your

flesh , so you loosen the strap but then the watch dangles , so I

compromised by using stretch straps , then you can slide a stretch strap

all the way up your arm , until it feels comfortable . I also always liked

mechanical watches , it was a night time ritual , taking my watch off and

winding it up , setting the time against the chimes of Big Ben on the

radio . So you can see just how important a watch is to me . There is just

one thing I've forgotten to mention , watches always break . Well when I

wear them anyway . For the past 20 years as a computer operator I'm always

carrying something and banging my watch on doors or whatever . So they

break , leaving my watch in the bathroom while I take a bath was another

of my bad habits . Watches steam up on me , or the winder gets rusty and

breaks off , or I break the glass , or the glass falls out . Once the

glass fell out , so I glued it back again , only to make a mess of the job

and glue the hands of the watch together as well . Finally I decided to

get a quartz watch , they were accurate , only my sweaty wrist steamed up

the face constantly , so I couldn't read the time . On average a watch

lasts me 1 year , my sister Mary always laughs every time I show her my

latest new watch . A simple Lorex watch was the best one I ever had , its

lasted 5 years . However I must confess that it has only lasted me that

long because when dad was in hospital after mum had died and he had nearly

died too he wanted a watch so he could pass the time , by looking at the

watch , so he'd know when his next meal was , the fact that there was a

clock on the wall not 2 yards away did not matter . Of course I took the

watch off my wrist and gave it to him . he was my dad and I loved him , so

if a watch would please him , he could have mine . That was 4 years ago ,

dad is called the miracle man , by the doctors , he beat death , dad'stime was up and the grim reaper made an appearance twice , but dad is

still alive and kicking , my watch ticking on his wrist . Or so it was

until last month . Jie Jie my Chinese wife bought me a fancy watch for my

Birthday so I gave dad my watch , a fancy Esprit model , and I retired the

old one , but I have kept it as a souvenir , we all thought dad would die

in weeks , but his heart is still ticking as strong and reliable as a

Rolex watch . I think when we all die , if we are not worthy of Paradise

immediately God will issue us with a Rolex and we have to wear it for a

billion years , until we are worthy of Paradise . God's watch is the

turning tides , the movement of the stars across the heavens and

rumbling super novas , after all didn't time begin with creation . It is

us stupid mankind who try to limit it to a dial on a watch .

EndThe Light from a Candle ©

By Michael Casey

I watched as the candle's life ended, smoke spiralled in the air. I tried to see where the

smoke was going only it just disappeared into nothingness. Another candle came to an end,

but suddenly it reared up a final flicker of flame then it was gone, black smoke twirling into

the air. I strained to see where the smoke was going only it was no use. I'd need a

magnifying glass, binoculars, a microscope or a periscope, smoke just could not be followed.

Another candle went out again I strained to see where its life had gone, but it was no use,

the trail disappeared into nothingness. The candles were going out randomly, I had to jump

from one to another in a vain attempt to see its moment of death, so that I could observe

what was happening to them. In all 7 maybe 8 candles "died" as I watched from my position

sat next to the candle rack in the cathedral on my lunch break. That was all yesterday, and

today the process was repeated. Each candle is a hope, a wish, a prayer. Just as Jazz

music is music turned into smoke, that weavers and sneaks its way through an audience, a

candle and its smoke is a living flame of hope and love which we all hope will touch God's

spirit and let him hear our prayers. The smoke from a candle is like a ballet dancer doing the

most intricate of dances, its like girl dancing with a ribbon at the Olympics. Only the candle

and its smoke might say more for us when we can't think of the right words to say, God Help

Us, can be all we can say, but if said from the heart then it is enough, For Faith Moves

Mountains.

And candles are more than flickers that end in smoke, they remind us of the Light and

Warmth of God's Love. 13/06/98

Its All In The Stars ©

By

Michael Casey

Louise just loved to read her stars in the papers , but

gradually she became disillusioned , they were too inaccurate , too

general , she wanted more detail , a personal touch , she wanted to know

how her life would be . Not "you'll have a happy day today , a surprize

could be on its way." She wanted more , so she went to see a clairvoyant ,

the clairvoyant was a gypsy who had pitched her caravan in the Bull

Ring. Louise happened to be there buying new knickers for herself outside

Saint Martins church when she spotted the sign saying "fortunes told ,

cheap prices , under a fiver to know your future . "

So grasping her knickers in the carrier she climbed the four

steps into the caravan . The fortune teller looked like a rugby player in

drag , but that’s normal for fortune tellers , so Louise wasn't afraid .

She had 30 mins before she had to get back to Stats and some report

writing for Derek the boss . The bells of Saint Martin pealed , a

lunchtime service was about to begin , as for Louise she held her breath ,

what would the future bring ?

Michael also wanted to know the future . He read his stars avidly

in the papers , he'd buy his shopping in Safeways , then once through the

checkout he'd read his stars in all the newspapers , before discarding the

papers and leaving with just his shopping , the papers in a heap at his

feet . He always hoped the stars would tell him when he'd meet the love of

his life , what he failed to notice was that while he had his head in the

newspaper , pretty women were standing right next to him browsing the

women’s magazines . If only he looked up from the stars .Fate would bring these two together , in fact they lived in the

same street , but their paths had never crossed , Michael lived at number

10 and Louise lived in number 25 . Michael had been a computer operator

for 20 years but when the job ended he took the first job that came along

, so now he was a security guard , not one of those thick ones in uniforms

, no he was a guard in the new Travel lodge hotel on Broad street , the

biggest hotel in the city . He wore a suit and had a nice badge with his

name on it , and he had a nice slim radio . So he was an upper class

security guard . It was the perfect job for him because he liked meeting

people and having a gossip .

The fortune teller had told Louise , that she'd meet somebody

strong and reliable , though perhaps a little boring , things would

happen suddenly and she'd be swept off her feet . Louise liked strong men

why she'd been to see the Chippendales four times , so she smiled to

herself as she left the caravan , clutching her carrier of knickers. The

months passed and still Louise hadn't found her Mr Reliable , she got

offers of course , she enjoyed strutting her stuff in pubs all over the

Black Country her and her friend Mary . Only the offers were always from

men just past their sell by date , men who would buy you a pint and a bag

of chips and then want to feel more than your hips as she danced to 70s

Glamrock . So Louise said "Sod It !" , as she slapped another man across

the face . Why couldn't men be Gay without being Gay , you know Gay men

treated you like a lady and didn't grope . Just why couldn't one like that

turn up .

Michael finished another 12 hour shift and was wandering around

his flat naked , scratching his bum and drinking another 2 litres of

coca cola . He switched the telly on and surfed teletext , his HiFi was

on too playing Genesis , he always read the news on all channels beforereading his stars on ITV channel 4 , channel 5 and Sky . His whole working

life involved working odd hours with even odder people , so he'd never met

anybody who would put up with his lifestyle . Now 40 was on the horizon ,

was he clutching at straws hoping against hope by reading his stars to

cheer himself up . Jo from the kitchen had given him a Xmas card saying "I

hope the girl of your dreams find you in 98 " , and the year was half

over. Michael sighed , at least he could have a quiet cry while he watched

weepies on Sky and the other channels . Little Women was perhaps his

favourite film , the ending where the Professor says he has empty hands

, he has nothing to give , but the girl gave him her hands and said "now

they are full" . His own father had nothing when he met his mom , yet she

married him , and yet he married her and her false teeth , and they went

on to have six children . So Michael watched and weeped , at least there

was refuge and solace in prayer , he had taken up regular prayer when he'd

read about Padre PIO,and when his mother died , and to his surprize his faith got

stronger . But still he longed for company , to talk with , to laugh with

, to cry with , and to wake up with . So he prayed and read his stars in

equal dozes .

Louise slammed the door of her flat , and rearranged her blouse,

that bastard had more hands than an octopus , he'd left his thumb print on

her boob too , and the bra strap was broken too . She have to go down the

Bull Ring on Monday and get herself a new red bra , and new red knickers

too , it was a matching set after all . She flicked on the telly , Central

Weekend was still on , Russell Grant was on , so she didn't switch off .

He was saying that a proper reading involved study . Louise examined her

bruised boob as he talked , still listening she practised her undressing

technique , it'd been in Mary's Cosmo three months before , so she'd been

practising it . Once she met a Gay man who wasn't Gay , he'd have the fullbenefit of it , it was all about pleasing him , so to please yourself ,

that's how Cosmo explained it . So there she was naked before her telly

with just Russell Grant smiling at her , "And its about examining your

potential and optimizing your best bits " , Louise was examing her boob

again , and her bum , she found another bruise there . So it was standing

naked before Russell Grant and a studio audience that she decided to do it

herself ,she'd go to the library and dig out some books . She'd form her

own future , she'd caste her own fortune .

Michael dried the tears from his eyes , and switched the tv off,

scratched his bum , then got into bed . If only a millionairess would

stop at the hotel and fall in love with him , well it happened in films

didn't it . His stars had been contradictory as usual , so he just

believed the nice ones . Louise had been switched off the telly when she'd

glanced out of her window , only to see a naked man get into bed. Michael

was afraid of the dark you see , so he always left a chink in his curtain

, and Louise by chance or was it fate ? She had seen him , he was fat and

very hairy , but at least he had a big chest , she just loved men with big

chests . So sniggering Louise headed for her own bed .

The following Monday Louise dashed up to the Library and got as

many do it yourself Horoscopes books as she could find . There were five

in fact . She'd read them all then photocopy the best bits on the works

photocopier . No more newspapers for her , she'd do it herself , she had

five minutes left of her lunch hour so she went and got a new matching bra

and knickers from the Bull Ring , and some grapes too , she just loved

grapes . Somebody was selling a telescope too , so on impulse she bought

that too , it was only a fiver . She be able to gaze up at the stars .

Michael had a nice day at the hotel , people seemed to like him,

well in five minute doses that is ,a millionairess did stop at the hotel ,only she was a bitch , who knew she was rich and beautiful and intelligent

and she wanted the whole world to know it . If only she had a dose of

humility that'd change her thought Michael , if she'd been through what

he'd been through , being ill was like being gang raped , and it lasted

weeks , and then you took weeks to recover , and then once you went back

to work you had the stigma for the rest of your life . Yes , being ill

would be perfect for this rich millionairess , a dose of humility was a

good thing . Michael preferred the way he was now , compared to his old

self years and years ago. But Michael smiled and carried all her shopping

and put it into a waiting taxi , as she swore at him for not being quick

enough . But his stars had said "You will be mixing with the rich and

famous", and so he was , by carrying her bags .

Louise dashed home with her carrier full of library books ,

she'd know her future tonight , she was a bit impetuous at times , so she'd

work out her future tonight . She saw the light go on in Michael's flat ,

and she did have a telescope , so she gave into temptation and spied on

him . He was nice , very nice , then she nearly dropped the telescope , he

had a horrid birthmark on his left shoulder , a brown stain all covered in

hair . He was a bit like the elephant man , Louise laughed , and then went

back to her books . As for Michael he put the Disney channel on and

watched Beauty and the Beast , he could empathise with the Beast , he'd

been called a beast himself because of his birthmark , girls had run away

from him because of it .They could put up with him being fat , but the

birthmark as well , that was too much . So Michael watched Beauty and the

Beast and cried and cried , some say a man should not cry , but Michael

knew that was bollocks , it was good to be in touch with your emotions , a

good cry cleanses then system . Recently he'd started listening to

ClassicFM , cos one of the cleaners had told him about it , and that madehim cry too , how could just a few violins and so forth touch your soul in

seconds . But it was nice , besides they'd never be anybody there to see

him cry , so he could be true to his soul , and cry and cry . Humility had

been forced upon him by being ill , but once he had it he found it suited

him , he always empathised with the scum of society , he always sided

with the underdog , because you are scum , when you've been ill .

Louise looked up from her books , she'd spent five hours reading

the future was hers , she picked up the telescope again , this time to

look for Uranous , but the sky had clouded over . So she watched Michael's

bum as he got into bed . Louise spent weeks reading , she even went to

West Bromwich library in search of books , she was confident she knew she

always be ok for money , and that was all that mattered as far as she was

concerned , so long as she could pay the bloody mortgage and could feed

her cat Sam . One night Mary couldn't come on the razzle , strutting her

stuff with Louise , and as Louise had a bit of a cold she stayed in and

watched the telly . Elephant Man was on , the music was good , but Louise

hated the black and white , and was going to switch it off , but it was

compelling in a horrible sort of way . As she watched she looked out the

window and could see naked Michael , she laughed , then looked back at the

Elephant Man , then she laughed "Elephant Man lives over the road , Sam" ,

then the music touched her , she felt guilty , a silent tear fell . She

couldn't bear her guilt so she got up and switched the telly off , she

didn't have a remote control . She put HeartFM on loud to cheer herself

up, but her eyes were drawn over the road towards Michael's back , so she

picked up the telescope . "It's not that bad I suppose , if I were his

girlfriend I'd shave it ." Then she dropped the telescope , and reached

for her chocolate , and soon forgot him , HeartFM was great .

Hazel had the flu , so would anybody like a ticket to see Phantomof The Opera . So as it was free Louise had it , she liked classical music

too as well as glam rock , so it would be a night out for her and Mary .

The Phantom was great , a bit like Disney's Beauty and the Beast really or

even the Hunchback Of NotreDame , about love crossing insurmountable

barriers . Michael had once said to his mom , that he wasn't good enough

for anybody , and his mother had chided that of course he was , Love

Conquers All was her message . And so was the message of Phantom . Louise

ate her chips on the bench outside the Hippodrome , her mind troubled ,

Mary thought she was a bit quiet . Louise lied and said she was only

tired. But once home she got her telescope out and watched Michael's back

as she played the CD of the show that she'd bought .Guilt overcame her

and she cried , she cried just like a little girl .

Now sometimes fate cannot wait no longer it bursts on the

scene , it demands attention . Louise was returning the books to the

library , she had just bought more knickers from the Bull Ring . It was

while she was crossing the road at the top of Hill Street that she nearly

walked under a bus , had it not been for a strong hand pulling at her bra

strap she would have been dead . "Pervert" was on her lips , as she fell

backwards , but the noise and shadow of the bus drowned her words.

"I could have been killed , " she stuttered , as she got to her feet .

"That's why I grabbed you , your bra strap was what saved you , " replied

Michael .

Louise looked up to see who had saved her , she looked deep into his eyes

, his child like eyes . She screamed and fainted , he caught her in his

strong arms . A full minute later she opened her eyes .

"But its you , I've never seen you with your clothes on, " stammered

Louise .

"Pardon ? " replied Michael not knowing her guilt secret ."You see , we are neighbours in Miracle Road Bearwood , " explained

Louise.

"Here's your knickers ," replied Michael as he picked up her carrier and

its spilled contents .

"But , you saved my life , " said Louise , before smothering him in

kisses, he had saved her life after all .

"Let's go for a coffee in Dunkin Donuts , " suggested Michael "you have

had a shock after all .

And so that was how they finally met , it was all in the stars , I

think they went on to have twelve children and lived happily ever after ,

you get a lot of family allowance with twelve children after all .

EndYou're Never Alone When You Are in Love ©

By

Michael Casey

Love is being together , Love is a smile , a Look , A Touch

Or Just A Sigh , Not really knowing why you chose one another .

Yet Together Till You Die

Love is a Kiss soft and gentle on the cheek which warms your

heart and makes you glad you chose one another .

A Kiss can lead to more but I'll leave Passion locked Safely

behind a bedroom door

Passion spent you'll not give up each not even for Lent .

You'll just lie in warm embrace and remember you forgot to say

grace .

Whispers and Promises are made , plans for the future and if

she put her hair this way , Do you think it would suit her ?

Then giggles and more embraces , Till the Night is over and with

a dig in the ribs you make him move over .

Then your oneness complete , you have to put up with his cold feet !

But when you are apart your hearts are still one , Thought half is

absent you are still one .

His socks under the bed , and after what you said .

His "toys" scattered about , and the clout you'll give when he

returns and the warmth of your body he yearns .

His cold feet to chill you after he thrills you , are absent yet the

thought makes you smile , at least you have the comfort for a while.

His grins and leers , which makes you smile at least you'll have

peace for a while .

But his heart is still with you , the love is always there - asbright as your fair hair .

Close your eyes and he is still there , Remember the embrace as he

played his fingers across your face .

Let your dreams go and remember the whispers in your ear , warm

kisses on your shoulder before he gets bolder . The warmth of love

that soars through your blood .

Dream long , Dream deep , your Man toils while you sleep , though

you are apart you are still together whatever the weather , for you

are never apart for he is locked in your heart .

Though sometimes he can be trying , there's Never any need of crying

for your love is Undying.

Always remember he fills your heart even when you are apart

EndMichael's Bathroom ©

by

Michael Casey

Six months previously Michael had decorated his living room , he

had to , the white walls had turned to a nicoteen stained yellow in places

such was the downside of having a South facing living room . Now it was

the turn of the bathroom again . The bathroom was very small , not even

enough room to swing a cat , it was about 7 foot by six foot , which was

just big enough for the bath , the sink and the bog . Why did people want

big bathrooms anyway ? You weren't going to hold dinner parties in there ,

or go jogging , yes Michael was used to and by now satisfied with his

small bathroom . However it always seemed to need decorating , he just

needed to open the window more often and let the steam out . Michael just

loved to wallow in the bath like a Hippopotamus , he had a radio on the

windowsill so he could listen to Heart FM while he shaved and bathed and

watched the spiders . There were spiders galore in his bathroom , his

mother always said spiders brought money with them , perhaps snared in

their webs , Michael even looked under the bath behind the panel just in

case the spiders had indeed brought gold with them , sadly all he found

was yet more spiders and their webs .

Years ago at work the offices were tarted up , so new carpet was

laid in the reception , so Michael had begged for the off cuts , and

persuaded Paul Robinson to give him a lift home with it . Once home though

it was late Michael got out some very sharp scissors and laid the carpet in

the bathroom , he'd have a posh bathroom now , no more cold lino for him .

Actually he did make a good job of the carpet fitting , there was some

left over too . Now the bad thing about ordinary carpet in the bathroom is

that it gets manky , firstly because Michael splashed a lot in the bath ,his mother had always told him off for splashing in the bath since he was

a child , she was afraid the water would leak though the ceiling into the

living room below . He did not have that problem now in his own house ,

why , because he had a concrete floor . So the carpet got wet , due to the

splashing in the bath . Michael was also a bad shot , so he'd occasionally

piss on the floor , when he came rushing home dying for a piss after

having too many shandies . Also if you spill domestos or other bleach on

carpet it changes colour .

As for the ceiling and walls , they needed cleaning and painting

every now and then because of all the steam and Michael not opening the

window often enough . So Michael would go up the road to Fads and buy

five litres of white emulsion for a fiver , then scattering newspapers all

over the bathroom he'd attack the walls and ceiling . He soon got high and

had a headache with all the paint fumes , even though the window was

wide open , the radio was blaring too , he always had music on

constantly , whether he was painting , eating , washing shaving or just

picking his nose . Michael's painting had more attack than finesse to it ,

splash it here , splash it there , quantity more than quality , his father

had always told him to use a small amount on the brush , a tiny amount ,

but Michael always overloaded his brush , paint was cheap after all , a

tin of paint only cost the price of a couple of pints and a bag of chips

after all .

Once finished Michael was splattered in paint , his grey hair now

turned white , his painting clothes , now more paint than clothes , his

watch had a white thumb print on it , his underpants had paint on too ,

for no matter what he did he was always hitching his jeans and

consequently he had paint everywhere . Michael stepped back to admire his

handiwork , but being as the bathroom was so small he bumped into the bogand ending up sitting on it . "It'll do " was his usual comment , and it

would have too , he couldn't afford a real decorator .A fiver to do his

bathroom , but a decorator would charge 100 times that and take days , it

took Michael an hour and a half tops , he'd finish in time for Star Trek

and that was important , he had his priorities right . So looking at his

splattered watch , Michael gathered up the paint splattered newspaper

which was protecting his fancy carpet . The only trouble though was the

fact that his shoes were stuck to the newspapers , so Michael had to sit

on the bog and pull the newspaper off his shoes , invariably a spot or two

of paint stayed on the carpet . So Michael had rub hard to clean the

carpet , and take his shoes off so that he wouldn't leave footprints

everywhere . "Ah it'll do , " repeated Michael as he looked back at the

bathroom from the safety of the kitchen , he'd then strip off and put all

his painting clothes into the washing machine ,invariably the light was

fading now , so Michael had the kitchen light on , so his neighbours would

be treated to the dubious privilege of seeing Michael naked and paint

spattered standing in his kitchen .

Star Trek was great as usual , Michael only recognised the

metaphors after the show , but he really enjoyed the show , he'd been

watching it for 30 years now , the original and then the follow on shows .

After his dinner Michael ventured back into the bathroom , "Who needs

decorators , the thieving bastards" . Michael was satisfied with his

handiwork , it'd do till the next time . The next time came , when the

carpet was manky , so Michael threw out the carpet and searched under the

bed in the spare room , that’s where he kept the rest of the carpet . As

luck would have it there was just enough to cover the bathroom floor

again. So once more he got out the dangerous scissors and cut the carpet to

shape , and yes he did do a good job of it , carpet fitting he could do ,it was painting he was useless at . Jackson Pollark , the artist who threw

paint at the canvas would have been impressed by Michael's bathroom ,

anybody else would have said , "was there an explosion ?"

So time passed and the carpet was manky , so Michael threw it out,

so what would he do next ? He hit upon the brilliant idea of painting the

concrete floor . It only took half an hour and then "hey presto" he had a

redecorated bathroom , only he hadn't thought of one thing . What happens

when you paint a floor white ? It shows all the dirt , and it shows up all

the spiders that are not spiders , if you know what I mean . So Michael

improvised , he was good at improvising , 20 years as a computer operator

and he'd leant to improvise , if nothing else . So he painted the floor

blue , that colour wouldn't show up spiders that weren't spiders . And he

was right . He had another problem now , because he'd used ordinary

emulsion , when it got wet , it came off , so soon the soles of Michael's

slippers went blue , and soon the blue was spattered with white , as

toothpaste and soap suds stained the blue floor . Michael persevered, he

painted the floor blue every couple of weeks or so , blue paint was more

expensive than white , but the one tin enabled him paint it ten times or

so .Eventually the walls needed painting again , so Michael thought he'd

try blue on the walls , only it was too dark , he didn't like it , and

more to the point he ran out of paint halfway through . So he went up to

Fads again for white , though he was nearly tempted into buying a soft

coloured paint as it was half price , but after a bit of soul searching he

stuck with white , five litres for a fiver .

Another problem reared its head , if you try painting over a

strong colour , the colour underneath shows through . So on Boxing Day 98

Michael spent the day painting , or smearing as his mother used to call it

, he spent the day smearing two coats of white over the blue . And yes itdid look dreadful . New Years Eve came and Michael's bathroom was covered

in copies of the Telegraph , it was a good read with great coverage , why

just one copy was enough to cover all Michael's floor , he'd have to write

to the editor to thank him . So Michael got drunk on New Year's Eve and

ended up dancing with his friend Dave , Dave being a Helmult Khol look

alike . Once home with a hangover , Michael realised that in the morning

he'd have to give another coat or two to the bathroom . Michael could see

the light at the end of the tunnel , or rather the bottom of the five

litre tin of paint , once he finished the tin , the job would be finished

whether it was finished or not , the job would be finished . He'd had

enough , and he had a massive headache due to the paint fumes .

"Finished , at last , thank God , " yelled Michael , yes he

had come to the bottom of the tin , so finished or not , it was finished.

So Michael went and watched Star Trek on the satellite . The bathroom took

forever to dry as it was Winter and the atmosphere was cold and wet . So

it was a couple of days before Michael could finish the bathroom

transformation . He found some old curtains he had in his pantry , he had

originally bought them for the kitchen , but once he got them home and

tried hanging them he was annoyed to discover they were too short , so

they had ended up in his pantry on a shelf next to his iron . To his

delight the new curtains were just the right length for his bathroom , and

they were nice and bright too . So what to dod next ? Michael pulled the

panel out from in front of the bath , as luck would have it he had a spare

plastic shower curtain ; so he wrapped the panel in a new shower curtain ,

a flowery pattern on it , and it would match the shower curtain he had

already up . Finally as he had to lay the lino , the lino he swopped a new

pair of shoes for . His brother had some spare lino , and Michael as usual

had a spare pair of shoes in his shoe mountain at the bottom of hiswardrobe . So he got the lino , and his brother got the shoes as a Xmas

present , they had both laughed as they struck the deal during their

regular weekly telephone conversation . Their dead mother would have

approved too , "look after each other" was her motto . There was one snag

though , Michael couldn't find his scissors , so how could he cut the lino?

So he improvised with the bread knife , a flash of the knife here , a

flash of the knife there , it was hard work , he was soon covered in sweat

but after 45 minutes he was finished . So he just had to slip the freshly

covered bath panel back in position . So kicking it back in position ,

Michael had finally transformed his bathroom . Michael stepped back to

admire his handiwork , accidently knocking the bread knife down the toilet

but he didn't hear the splash , as the radio was blaring out a Nat King

Cole song "Let there be Love" . Michael looked at his freshly painted

bathroom , walls and ceiling had been painted , new bright curtains were

hanging down , and the lino was new and bright too , he had even put a

layer of plastic and newspapers underneath to act as insulation , and he

had a little mat too that he could step on when he got out the bath . Yes

it was an utter transformation , the best it had looked in the 12 years

he'd lived there . All this activity had made him really hungry , he'd

bought a loaf from the bakery , an old fashioned big tasty loaf , all he

had to do was cut it into big slices , now where had he left the bread

knife ?

EndPadre Pio and Me ©

By

Michael Casey

It’s a contradiction in terms immediately , how can I copyright a Saint . A brand

new saint at that . I first heard of him through some Religious reading I did . I feel

embarrassed to admit it , but I am a practising Catholic , its not fashionable to have

any Faith but its mine so I admit it . Immediately the prejudice begins , but if I

WERE A Jew or a Muslim , it would be the same . I do feel that my catholic tastes have

given me a broader outlook on life , as has my eclectic tastes and rubbing shoulders

with a wide variety of people .

But I want to talk about Padre Pio . I had a crisis and was reading about him at the

time , so I said my prayers to him and the way forward was revealed . Though Padre Pio

always says go Higher , he is just a stepping stone on the way to a better place .

What is so hard to understand about Padre Pio is how he suffered . He had the slings

and arrows of outrageous fortune . Condemned by his own superiors , made to be quiet

for a decade and so forth . Science Fiction teaches or rather amuses us about Time

Travel , but with Padre Pio it really happened , he wanted to share in Christ’s agony

so he thought , what if he too could have and suffer the wounds on that day of

Crucifiction . So it came to pass that he suffered for 50years . He had the indignity

of medical examinations and of being thought just to be a mental patient , but his

work and life proved his holiness .

So it’s nearly 1990 and I hear about him and read a few books , its hard to understand

the value of suffering in this age of quick fix pain killers and the lets have a fix ,

whatever the fix might be , sex, drugs and rock and roll or whatever . Its like

suddenly studying again after years of lying fallow , the learning curve is enormous .

So too is it with Padre Pio , the idea behind his life is enormous , but so too is the

capacity for love and help .My favourite story is how Padre Pio explains that The Wedding Feast at Cena happened

because Jesus could not refuse his mother . Very Italian , or Irish or Spanish and so

on , but could any of us refuse our mothers?

So I thought more about what Padre Pio said , and his motto of Pray Hope Don’t Worry

became my own . Carpe Diem is another good motto but perhaps this can be used by any

Hedonist , or other kind of selfish person .Padre Pio reminds us to pray and that pray

is not wasted , its perfume that is never wasted is a phrase I like . My mother always

used to say that if you couldn’t sleep you should say the Rosary , and she was right .

Though in todays world an hour on the Internet or with MTV might do the trick .

So why the devotion to Padre Pio , I’ll cut to the chase.

My mother died suddenly but peacefully in her sleep , my brother tried CPR , but she

was gone . Imagine the anguish amongst her 6 children and her husband of nearly 50

years . All except me , my mother had said no tears when she go ,so I never cried , I

was the odd one out .I know how prayerful she was , so I had no need of tears .

Eight bare weeks later my brother , the same brother heard our dad fall out of bed ,

so he ran to his bedroom . My brother was facing the exact same situation , he tried

CPR , the ambulance was called , an injection was given straight to the heart . On

weekends there is a doctor in the ambulance , so Luck , if that’s the word was with us

. The next day 4 of my brothers and sisters came around to tell me the news . When my

sister had come around 8 weeks previously I knew somebody was dead but I assumed it

was my dad , he’s die first we all thought . So now 8 weeks later it was his turn to

die .

At the hospital dad was given 1 week to live , I cried like a baby , worse than a baby

, but I loved him , so I told he he should go to our mother and not hang on if he

didn’t want to . The next day I was in my sister’s house crying , we picked hymns for

his funeral .Yet my father survived , 19 patients on a heart ward , 18 died my dad

survived . Padre Pio was besieged by my prayers , I put Padre Pio’s photo under his

pillow . Dad lost his mind , he was in Dudley Rd for 3months , 12 weeks , more thanhalf of them all tubed up . His life hanging in the balance . At the same time

somewhere in Florida another man was at deaths door , he was a totally stranger to

me , I didn’t even know his name , I’d never met him , he was give 24hours to live , a

Chinese man from Shanghai was at deaths door . The Chinaman survived .My dad’s

memory

was totally wiped , he did not know who I was, I’m your son was greeted with , am I

married . I was the favourite son , he did not even know me . But still we prayed ,

it’s a feeling in your guts , just like when you are nearly killed as you cross the

road , its in your guts and in your heart , Jesus save my dad , Jesus save my dad ,

Padre Pio help !!! This goes around your head like a merry go around or a kaleidoscope

. Finally dad awoke . He said that he can remember hearing the doctor say to wheel him

down to the end of the ward , because he’d be dead soon . At that moment my dad awoke,

and the doctor dropped his cup of tea in shock . No not an instantaneous miracle , but

as Dr Singh had said if he were 30years younger he’d have a heart transplant because

dad’s heart was rubbish .

Now , when I told my brother that dad was reading a newspaper he was shocked . His

memory had come back . He knew who we all were .Every day for three months I walked

the corridor at Dudley Rd , the longest hospital corridor in Europe , 1 kilometre long

. Finally he left the hospital , my sister had found a good home for him to live in ,

he was far too weak to live in the family house .

For 3 years dad survived , like a Godfather with all his children making constant

visits . Finally I met my future wife . It was her uncle who had miraculously survived

at the same time as my father . It was her uncle who encouraged us in our love . From

Shanghai to Birmingham .These great men , her uncle and my father never met , but I

know Padre Pio must have helped both of them . Further prayer was needed to bring me

and my wife permanently together . A Chinese miracle happened . Now we are wed , we

have a 2year old and please God a healthy second baby in the Autumn . The

improbability of our meeting , plus the fact that both men HAD to live for us to be

married and have a family , this may be a coincidence to some but I know a miraclewhen I see one. A miracle is something that makes you feel humble , it makes you know

that God has whispered your name . When I look at my wife , I feel humble . Seeing our

daughter laugh and play also makes me humble as will our new baby.

Then you can look back and know that prayer is like perfume that can never be

wasted , your life has led you to where you are now , yes at times sad and terrible ,

but be humble in the sight of God means something , not just for me , but for all

Believers .

I once stood by the fridge and said to Padre Pio , I give up , you take over , all I

want is to be married , and perhaps have a family , and do something useful with my

life . That was just before my eyes were opened to my wife . I used to say that I got

2 out of my 3 wishes . Perhaps my current occupation is my 3rd wish , or a more

outstanding miracle is waiting in the wings , but as Padre Pio said ,always ask for

the big Grace .Perhaps

we have to be humble enough to deserve it , because I believe it to be a fact that ,

truly great people are humble because they know just how little they really know.

EndJan 1 2006, 08:23 AM

What If By Michael Casey ©

What if Today wasn't the 1st day of a New Year but the last Day of Your Life.

Who would you hug, who would you kiss, who would you miss.

Who would miss you, do you have a clue, and do you know why?

Would your years of striving to be a good writer/teacher/cop or whatever still mean so much

to you .

Would you miss making love in a tent high up in the mountains.

Would you miss a real good coffee and donut on 7th and 4th.

Would you miss the sales where you always bought nothing but shoes, shoes for work. But

the fun you had with the girls was worth it , because pals are fun.

Would you miss Midnight Mass and Silent Night getting home exhausted and late and crying

for your late mother.

Would you be too afraid that you'd not meet her again in the afterlife, or would that be the

only hope you'd cling too

as you watched the hands on clock sweep around faster and faster.

Would you rail at the world and want to get your gun and shoot those bastards who'd ruined

your life in the past ,

even if all they ever did was steal your parking place, or would you be all sweetness and

light, dying peacefully without a fight.

What would be your parting words, would anybody remember you, small kindnesses

remembered and rewarded.

Remember thou art dust and to dust thy will return is the Ash Wednesday phrase

Is that how you want to be remembered?

Or he made me laugh, he made me cry but I was always was happy when he was around ,

I'll miss him yes , but I've not lost him because a laugh lasts forever.

That is my hope, for the start of this New Year and new day, and everyday because we all

should live like today is our last because one fact is certain one day it will be , so make 'em laugh , make 'em laugh, make 'em laugh

Happy New Year from this Comedy Writer Michael CaseyWhat is Prayer ? What is Love? ©

By

Michael Casey

What is |Faith ? We are told in one Bible passage that if a man can do many things yet

there is no Love then man has achieved nothing . I remember this being read at

grammar school at the morning assembly . Sorry if I cannot quote it verbatim . I'd

come home from work and my dad would be sitting down in the living room his dinner on

a chair so he could watch the news , he'd have the first bite raised to his mouth .

I'm not hungry he'd say and offer me his dinner . This is love . Another time ,

another shift pattern . I'd come home at 11pm . Dad would wait up to see me before

he'd go to bed , he'd be up at 5am for his work the next morning . This is the

standard I'm used to , I'll do the same for my own children . Its normal , its obvious

.To me anyway .

My mother used to watch Dallas on tv after she'd fed all her children , one hand in

her apron as she watched tv . Only the hand always jumped in her pocket , she was

saying the rosary while she watched tv . Very Irish , very motherly . Very normal ,

the standard I got used to . Countless mothers the world over do the same . They may

be Christians , they may be of a multitude of different Faiths , yet one thing in

common . Love , love of God , love of family , love of children . And do we thank our

parents for this love ? If we didn't and now our parents our gone , then do we live

with regret all our lives . No , this would be folly . We can thank our parents and

our God by being good parents , by trying to copy the good example shown to us . I met

my wife in the retirement home where my dad lived after his near fatal heart attack ,

which happened 8 bare weeks after my mother died in her sleep . My dad lived long

enough for me to meet/marry and have a granddaughter . As I gaze on my daughter's face

I often say "thank you" . Thank You to God for allowing me a wife and for having a

daughter . An extremely beautiful daughter , healthy and funny . I have to show the

moon to my daughter because she thinks its so pretty , she loves stars too , not yet22months old and she knows the wonder of creation . As I look upwards and see the cold

beauty of space I know how lucky I am . I know how lucky I am . Lucky enough to cry ,

which I do on occasions . My tears are my humble thanks and praise of God . I have a

family . July 96 , mom was gone , and dad was given 1 week to live . So after 3years

of constant visits to the seniors home I met my wife , my Shanghai China . So yes I

cry in the dark of the night as I look up at the stars . I am a lucky man , because I

had good parents , I know I did . I hope everybody could be as lucky as me .....

well I hope this reads ok , I couldn't think of any poetry , I just hope telling it

plain catches the spirit , the spirit of love . One word , one look , one sigh , one

flicker of the eyes , each of these is a prayer , a deep prayer . A prayer of hope ,

pray , hope and don't worry is a motto I try to live by that’s all the advice I can

give

michaelWhats in a word? ©

by

Michael Casey

Whats in a word, is it an an insult waiting to be heard?

Is it a joke between the guys in the bar, looking at the waitress from afar?

Is it something we cannot utter because we begin to stutter?

Is it something that we mutter because our words are from the gutter.

Does the boss deserve our scorn because the low pay leaves us all forlorn?

Do we say nice words but mean the opposite?

Are smiles unspoken words which are really weapons ready to be thrust in the back.

Do we care if we are given the sack, then we'd say what we really want to say, then

the dam would burst

and words pouring out would quench our thirst for justice, words to make us feel

better as we head for the

labour office.

Words of love and words of caring, words of sharing , words bringing hearts closer

together no matter what

the weather .

Words of love and words of war, when we say too much or not enough. IF only becomes

the last words

on our lips , it’s our "rosebud" as our spirit floats above.

Perhaps the best words of all are "I just want to be your friend" "love thy neighbour

as thyself"

For me my best words are "I just want to make the whole world laugh"

p.s.Now a good writer would have ended on "love thy neighbour as thyself" but like

anybody who wants to be a writer , they always want the last word themselves, even if

the Lord's words are so much better. I await the avalanche of criticism, but if youstop for 2 seconds by putting this p.s. WHO'S last words ARE the first word, IN the

beginning.....Food For Thought

Think AS You Watch TV

By Michael Casey ©

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

As we sit in our armchairs watching the news , do we care what is going on over there , in

some place hot , too hot to think about , or too cold to bear , ice and snow everywhere . Are

we just waiting for the sports report , are we waiting to see was the battle hard or a walkover

, did our favourite player score a home run , or 10 touchdowns , were the crowd , the

audience behind him , did we win 100dollars from the bet we had on the side . In the

interviews after the war was won , were we just watching to see the design on the teams

shirt , is that a new logo , is that the same logo spruced up . Or is it a new logo entirely ,

does it make any difference in how the team played , or just another million dollars in the

owners pocket , paid by us the audience , the fans , just so we can all look so identical . The

reporters are screaming loudly , half excited and half in fear , they want to watch , they want

to cover their eyes , but they are there so they must report . Are they in some arid desert , or

in some cold cold place , pain and fear and hope etched on their face , are they in some war

zone , or at the stadium , if all we heard were just their words , could we tell the difference ,

do we care , so long as we can switch it all off with our remote control .

Just a little food for thought , you can read my Betting On Disaster laterPLAYS

Michael G Casey email michaelgcasey@hotmail.com

Battered Husband ©

by

Michael Casey

Opening

A fat man comes down the steps from an airport lounge , he is

Carrying bags , a young very attractive woman is with him . The woman is

carrying asmall vanity case , while he struggles with the bags . They make

their wayto the long stay car park .

Henry:The car's over here somewhere .

He waves his hand , by his voice we know he hasn't a clue .

Tracy:What colour did you say it was ?

Henry:Blue , sky blue - an estate .

After much searching they find the estate car .

Tracy:More like in a state than an estate car to me .

Henry:It's just the weather here , it has been parked for 3 weeks after all .

Tracy:I suppose so . (Grudgingly said)

Tracy waits while he fumbles for the keys and tries juggling the

luggage

as he searches his pockets .

Tracy:It might help if you put the luggage down .

Henry:Oh .

Henry puts the cases down , one belonging to Tracy with a "Las

Vegas"

sticker on is put in a large puddle .

Tracy:Look out don't be so stupid , that's my best case and all .

Tracy grabs the case and rests it on the bonnet . Meanwhile Henryhas

found the key but his hand is wedged in his pocket . After watching

him

struggle for a while Tracy helps . She holds the outside of the

pocket

down while he pulls the key out . The pocket is torn by his efforts .

Henry:Oh , never mind you can always sew it for me .

Tracy:You must be joking , I don't sew , I always got a friend to do

mine

Henry:Oh , I didn't know that .

Tracy:We'll find out about each other in time , after all that's

what

marriage is for .

Henry:And one or two other things . (He smirks)

Tracy:Pardon ?

Henry:Yes , my Twinky Pinky .

Tracy is annoyed by this and looks around to see if he has been

heard

before she hisses a reply while giving him a laser look .

Tracy:That's our private , special words , NOT to be used in a car

park .

Henry:Sorry .

Henry opens the boot , loads all the luggage before opening the

drivers

door . Then he leans across to let her in . Reluctantly Tracy gets in

.

Tracy:IF you were a gentleman you'd have let me in first , then put

theluggage in , or at least held the door open for me . Your

an

uncivilise animal you are .

Henry:You said it was the animal in me that you liked , the first

two

nights before we decided to get married .

Tracy is stunned by this remark then is about to reply when Henry

pulls

off , forcing her into the back of her seat .

We watch as they drive off . (FADEOUT)

We next see them driving through a nice suburb , Tracy perks up .

Tracy:So you live around here ? (EXCITED)

Henry:Yes .

Tracy:They are all very nice houses , is yours - I mean ours , is it

like

that one ?

Tracy points out an absolute mansion , Henry gulps .

Henry:Well er , you will have to wait and see .

Tracy:Go on tell me now .

Henry:No , you'll enjoy the surprise more if you wait .

Tracy:You tease .

Henry:If I remember right you said you liked being teased .

Tracy blushes , for the rest of the journey she points out

houses ,

waiting for his reaction . Gradually the houses are less grand but

still

nice , finally they are in a lower middle class area . They turn

into apretty side road , Tracy is downhearted but at least the houses look

nice .

Tracy:Well at least this is a nice cul de sac .

Tracy looks around trying to guess which is her new home .

Tracy:Oh look at that funny little house at the end .

Henry gulps , she does not notice , he drives up the drive .

Tracy:But , but you said you had a nice house . You said you were a

man of

property .

Henry:But I am , please don't cry , everthing will be ok , just trust

me .

Tracy:But you said it was .

Tracy starts to cry .

Henry:You were crying when we first met , after the oil millionaire

left

you .

Tracy:But you promised .

Henry stops the engine .

Henry:Can you open the garage doors for me , then we'll go in and

have a

nice cup of tea , you'll be ok then .

Tracy:You'll explain everything then ?

Henry:Promise . Then we can go to bed .

Tracy:But its only 2pm .

Henry:To sleep off the jet lag .

Henry passes her the keys and she gets out . Opening the garage

doors a

pile of "Sold" and "For Sale" signs fall out . Tracy looks athim

accusingly .

Henry:Its for my work .

Tracy:What exactly do you do in property ?

Henry:Well I er , lets get inside first , its cold out here after

Vegas .

Tracy:What are all these signs doing here ?

Henry:They are for my work .

Tracy:What kind of work ?

Henry:Property work .

Tracy:What do you do with them ?

Henry:I put them up , and I take them down .

Tracy:So you're a sign man .

Henry:A property sign man .

Tracy:Is that all you do .

Henry:Well property is my main concern .

Tracy:So you don't have an office or your own company .

Henry:I am self employed .

Tracy:A sign man .

Tracy moves out of the garage and trips on a "Sold" sign , Henry

gets out

of the car to help her . She struggles up , and throws the sign at

him .

Tracy:I've laddered my stocking now .

Tracy hitches her dress to reveal her leg , Henry oggles her . Tracy

sees

this so drops the dress and marches off and lets herself into the

house .Henry starts to move the boards out of the way when there is a loud

scream

from inside , he drops the boards in shock .

Fadeout

We next see them in the kitchen , Tracy has been crying her face is

tear

stained . Cups of tea are in front of them .

Henry:Here have a biscuit they are your favourite .

Tracy reluctantly takes one , but spits it out straight into Henry's

face

Tracy:It's stale .

She looks around the kitchen then starts to cry again . The kitchen

is in

a real state , with paper peeling and washing up still in the sink

from

before Henry went on holidays .

Henry:They cann't be that bad .

Henry tries the biscuits , he quite likes them , so he eats

several .

Tracy:Look at the place though , you said it was beautiful , you

said it

was like a palace .

Henry:Well it is .

Henry looks around then realises that she is right .

Henry:Well it used to be when I used to visit my aunt here .

Tracy:How long ago is that ?

Henry:Not long .

Tracy stares at him though her tears . After a long pause hefinally

decides to tell the truth .

Henry:When I was a teenager .

Tracy's tears flow again .

Henry:But I've been only been here a while I haven't had time to do

the

place up , I do work hard you know I don't have time to fix it

up .

A ceiling tile comes loose and falls on his head . Tracy is

cheered by

this .

Henry:Ok I'll start next week . It will be fun doing it up just the

way

we like it . It will be OUR home , OUR nest .

Tracy:Promise ?

Henry:Promise .

Tracy wipes her tears away . Henry leans across the table to seal

the

bargain with a kiss , only he spills the rest of her cup of tea all

over

her . She jumps up .

Tracy:You idiot , it'll stain my dress , not to mention I could be

scarred

for life . A dancer cann't have stains you know .

Henry:Sorry . Let me wipe it off .

Henry grabs a filthy rag from beside the mountain of washing up and

daps

her down .Tracy:Thank you . (SARCASTICALLY)

Henry:It's alright , show me your leg are you burned ?

Henry starts to lift the dress , Tracy slaps his face , and storms

off to

the bathroom . She shouts over her shoulder .

Tracy:If I want tea thrown over me and you groping me then I'll tell

you .

Henry:But I was only trying to help .

We hear the sound of her steps up the stairs , then a pause while

Henry

wrings out the rag all over the washing up . Then the bathroom

door is

slammed , several ceiling tiles fall over Henry's head in the

kitchen

Henry:She'll get used to it . It will be nice having a little lady

around

to help with the housework , I bet deep down she's a right

homemaker

Henry starts to clear up the washing left from before the hols , he

has

filled the bowl and is starting the washing up when there is a loud

scream

from upstairs . He drops a plate in fright , then still clutching

the mop

for cleaning cups he storms upstairs .

In the bathroom Tracy is in the bath , she is froze in terror ,

she is

pointing . There is a spider crawling around the edge . Henry seesthis

and gulps as he is afraid of spiders too .

Henry:I'll crush it with this . (HOLDING THE WASHING UP MOP ALOFT)

Tracy:NO , it'll fall into the bath then .

Henry:What shall I do then ?

Tracy:Pick it up and flush it down the loo .

Henry:Crushing would be easier .

Tracy screams , the spider has moved . Henry summons all his

strength and

half closing his eyes in terror he grabs the spider and flushes down

the

toilet.

Henry:There emergency over .

Tracy:Flush it twice , and put some Domestos down .

Henry does as requested . Tracy relaxes now .

Tracy:You are brave aren't you .

Henry:Not really . (HE'S VERY PROUD OF HIMSELF)

Henry stands there not knowing what to do next . After a moment

Tracy is

back to her normal self .

Tracy:What are you standing there for don't you have some washing

up to

do?

Henry looks at the washing up mop in his hand .

Henry:OH yes , your leg is ok ?

Tracy:Yes thanks . (SHE IS HUMAN FOR A SECOND)

Henry:You don't want me to scrub your back?

Tracy:NO. (INDIGNANT)Henry leaves the bathroom relantly . He stops by the door .

Henry:Is that another spider ?

Tracy:WHERE , WHERE . (IN PANIC)

Henry :Only Joking , Well I'll get back to the kitchen unless you

want me

to wash your back ? (HALF HOPING)

Tracy answers by throwing the sponge in his face . (FADEOUT)

In the kitchen Henry is up a ladder just putting the last new ceiling

tile

in position , he is over stretched up a ladder . Tracy comes in

shaking

her hands to dry the nail varnish .

Henry:Look , one decorated kitchen , aren't you proud of me ?

He holds out his hands expansively . Tracy looks around mildly

impressed

Tracy:You better give that one another push or it'll fall .

She points at one tile . Henry reaches over to give it another push

while

the glue is still tacky . In doing so he over balances and has to

stand in

the sink to save falling . His leg breaks all the crockery and a

splash

lands on Tracy .

Tracy:Fool , look what you've done you've broken all the

crockery . My

mother send it as a wedding present . And you've ruined my

dress ,

I'll HAVE to have another .Tracy wipes the tiny spot with a tea towel , only to discover Henry

has

been using it to wipe the ceiling glue from his hand . Now the

dress is

really ruined.

Tracy:Oh you idiot , look what you've made me do now . And I think

I've

broken my best nail .

Tracy throws the tea towel in Henry's face , he grabs it and

tries to

throw it back only it sticks to his hand . Tracy storms off , while

Henry

dismounts from the kitchen sink with great effort and much strain to

the

sink . Henry looks around at his handwork and is admiring it when

Tracy

reappears .

Henry:Sorry my Twinky Pinky , but you do like the kitchen ?

Tracy:It's great , really great .

Henry moves closer and steals a kiss , Tracy allows him the one

kiss .

Tracy:I've got to go out now - to buy a new dress , can you let me

have

some money ?

Tracy gives him her most seductive look , Henry is smitten .

Henry:My wallet is on the settee in the living room .

Tracy:Thanks love .

She gives him a lingering kiss before leaving the kitchen ,after a

moment she returns .

Tracy:Just one more thing love , could you start on the living room

next ,

p l e a s e .

She gives him another kiss , Henry would climb mount Everest now with

just

a washing line as a rope such is her persuasive powers . Tracy pulls

away

from him , while Henry is still catching his breath the front

door is

heard being slammed shut . A tile floats down onto Henry's head

(FADEOUT)

Henry is in the newly decorated living room when Tracy comes in

she

starts to inspect his work .

Tracy:Not bad , not bad at all . But now it makes the furniture look

bad .

Henry:How do you mean ?

Tracy:Well the room looks good , very good even but the furniture

doesn't

match . It's like Stepoe's now , the furniture .

Tracy looks around the room from furniture to walls and ceiling ,then

back

again .

Henry:It's not that bad , besides how do you remember Steptoe ,

have you

been lying about your age my Twinky Pinky .Tracy:I don't need to lie , I'm twenty-four .

Henry:But the furniture is ok .

Henry moves towards Tracy . and gives her his best "five year old"

look ,

hoping she won't make him buy new furniture .

Tracy:I'm sorry but we must have new furniture , after all you do

want the

best for your family .

Henry:Family ! You're not , we're not ?

Henry looks anxious and pleased .

Tracy:Certainly not . WE won't have a child till I am ready to hang

up my

dancing shoes . I've got another audition soon .

Henry is visibly upset

Henry:Oh , but about the furniture can it wait a while , I mean

money is

tight .

Tracy:You said you were loaded when I met you .

Henry:Well I was , I won the holiday and spending money on the back

of a

slimming magazine . I was in the dentist's at the time and it

must

have been the first time ever the magazines weren't ten years

old .

Tracy:Be that as it may , WE must have new furniture .

Henry:But where do I get the money from , do you want me to rob a

bank ?

Tracy is stumpted for a while , she looks around the room , thenshe

cuddles up to him , getting close for the kill . Henry is pleased

that she

is close to him . Tracy allows him to kiss her , she looks at the

room as

they embrace then she pulls away suddenly . Her plan is formed .

Tracy:I've got it !

Henry:Got what ! (SLIGHTLY ALARMED)

Tracy:You are really quite a good decorator .

Henry:Oh thanks . (COYLY LIKE OLIVER HARDY)

Tracy:You can go out and decorate in the evenings when you come

home . You

can start on the neighbours then move further afield .

Henry:But I'm not good enough .

Tracy:You'll learn by your mistakes .

Henry:But I'm tired when I come in .

Tracy:So am I after my dance practices and my jogging and my squash

and

all the reading I do .

Henry:But the furnitures ok there's no need for it , you could make

covers

if you really don't like the furniture any more .

Tracy:You are forgetting one thing , I DON'T sew , if you love me

you'd do

it .

Tracy puts on her best sad face , Henry gives in .

Henry:All right then but don't complain if I'm to tired to talk .

Tracy:You're not much of a talker anyway , You don't even read , I'veread

over 100 Barbara Cartland books . You do promise though ?

Tracy looks him in the eye , giving her little girl lost look .

Henry:I promise .

Tracy kisses him and allows him to enjoy himself , he is

getting

overheated when she pulls away .

Tracy:That can wait till later , you can take me out first .

Henry:Do we have to go out first ? (ALMOST PLEADINGLY)

Tracy:Yes , and I want to be surprised too .

Henry:Alright then .

Henry grabs her by the arm and they leave the living room . (FADEOUT)

We are in the living room when there is a sound of a car pulling

up ,

doors banging and raised voices . Tracy storms into the living

room

putting the lights on . She throws herself into an armchair and

sulks .

Henry enters the room .

Henry:So you didn't like the Bingo ?

Silence . Henry looks at his shoes and plays with the car keys .

Henry:I thought you'd like it , we could have won some money for the

house

to buy new furniture with . Or to save for some rainy day or

for

when we have a family . If only you'd have waited the National

Game

was on in a couple of minutes .Tracy screams and reaches down beside the armchair and picks up a

book and

throws it at him . It hits him a low blow , he snatches at the book

and in

his anger is about to throw it back but thinks better of it and puts

it in

his coat pocket . WE DO NOT SEE THE TITLE

Henry:Oh please Tracy , talk to me , I am sorry I just didn't think .

Tracy:That's your trouble you don't think .

Henry:I'll start the decorating . (HOPING FOR A GOOD REACTION )

Henry moves closer to where she is sitting . Tracy is silent for a

moment

for a while . Then still with her back from him she speaks .

Tracy:Promise .

Henry:I promise .

Tracy:Good , because while I was pretending to be at the loo at

that

horrid bingo place , I rang Mrs Toomey to say you'd start on

her

living room tomorrow evening .

Henry:You sly bitch .

Tracy:If you're going to swear at me then I'M off to bed and if you

ever

swear at me again then I'll go back to mother .

Tracy storms off past Henry , he is left standing in the living room

alone

,patting his sides in despair he feels a lump , he remembers the

book ,taking it out he looks at it , it makes him smile so he puts it

back in

his pocket . (WE DO NOT SEE THE TITLE , PERHAPS THE COVER IS

DOGEARED)

Suddenly there is ,a call from upstairs .

Tracy's Voice:Well I thought you were going to surprise me !

A smiling Henry races out of the living room , the camera stays there

but

we hear Henry .

Henry's Voice:Come to me my "Twinky Pinky"

Then we hear giggling form Tracy . (FADEOUT)

A paint smattered Henry comes into the kitchen , a fistfull of

money in

his hand .

Henry:Mrs Toomey paid me , look .

Tracy looks up from the remains of her meal , her eyes widen at the

sight

of the money .

Tracy:Great I saw a nice three piece in that new furniture shop in

town .

She grabs the money and counts it .

Tracy:Not bad for three evenings work .

Henry:Hard work .

Tracy:Yes of course dear "hard work".(SHE IS STILL LOOKING AT THE

MONEY)

Henry:Don't I get a kiss .

Tracy:Of course dear .

Tracy pouts but holds her body away , she doesn't want paint all overher.

Tracy:Well this will be the deposit , the other oe900 you can pay off

over

a year . It's interest free credit so I know you'll approve .

Henry opens his mouth to say something but decides better of it .

Henry:Any food my Pinky Winky , I'm famished after all the decorating

.

Tracy:Oh sorry I thought you'd go down the chippy , I could cook

you

something only I'm due at the squash club . Besides you could

do

with losing a bit of weight .

Henry:Do you have go to the squash club couldn't we just have a nice

night

in ? We could cuddle up in front of the fire .

Tracy:We can do that as soon as the new furniture is here . Thanks

for the

money though ; by the way can you start on Mrs Johnson's

tomorrow .

Tracy gives him another peck and is off , before he can complain .

Henry

heads for the fridge which is almost empty , he finds three fish

fingers .

Henry:Looks like fish fingers AGAIN . (FADEOUT)

In the living room the new furniture has arrived . Tracy looks happy

she

is watching Dallas , Henry tries to speak but is hushed till the

creditsrole .

Tracy:Yes dear , what were you going to say ? (OFF HANDEDLY)

Henry:Well , as we have got the new furniture and I'm making a bit

with

the decorating do you think we should think about children ?

Tracy:I don't know about that , I mean I cann't work while I'm fat .

Henry:But you hardly work as it is , you just practice .

Tracy:I worked in Las Vegas didn't I , who knows what might happen .

Henry:But you only stood in for a few weeks when your friend was

sick

while you were out there visiting .

Tracy:You know how to offend me don't you , and after all I done for

you .

Henry:I'm sorry .

There is a painful silence , then Henry puts his arm around her .

Henry:Didn't you say we'd have a cuddle in front of the fire once the

new

furniture was here ?

Tracy:Did I ?

Henry nibbles her ear , after a while Tracy responds . As they

embrace we

hear Tracy say .

Tracy:Don't leave any marks I've an audition tomorrow . (FADEOUT)

We see Tracy in the kitchen with the ironing board out , she is

ironing a

leotard - badly . Henry comes in covered paint .

Henry:I've never seen you iron before .

Tracy:I don't normally , Mrs Toomey does it I pay her a fiver a weekto do

ours . Only she's out . (PANICY)

Henry:I didn't know that .

Tracy:You don't know everything . (RATTY)

Henry:You having trouble ?

Tracy:Yes , I've got a stand in job at the last moment only I need to

iron

this .

Henry:Can I help you . I've done my own for years - I'm quite good .

Tracy:You ! (SURPRISED)

Henry:Move over and watch an expert .

Tracy:Wait ! You are covered in paint .

Tracy grabs a pinny and sticks it around him then makes him put on

rubber

gloves too .

Tracy:Ok . Do your best , its really important to me .

Henry irons like a true natural . Tracy is amazed and jumps up

like a

school girl to kiss him .

Tracy:You've saved my life .

Henry:I should iron all the time if I get such praise .

Henry hugs her again , Tracy is so relieved that she allows this .

Then

looking at the kitchen clock over Henry's shoulder she pulls away .

Tracy:I must dash . See you .

Henry:I'll wait up for you .

Tracy leaves the kitchen clutching the ironed garment . After a

moment shereturns .

Tracy:I've just thought , if you are so good at ironing its silly to

pay

somebody , I mean it'll save oe250 a year . Oh don't bother

waiting

up I'll be too tired .

With that she leaves the kitchen leaving Henry in his rubber gloves

and

pinny staring at the ironing board . (FADEOUT)

Henry comes running into the house and into the living room where

Tracy is

reading a Jackie Collins . He is fit to burst with his news . Tracy

just

hushes him and carries on reading , hissing at him .

Tracy:Wait a bit I've nearly finished this . You don't know what it's

like

finish a really good book . (SARCASTICALLY)

Henry:Actually I am reading a book , the one you threw at me .

(MUMBLES)

Tracy:Oh do shut up I'm trying to concentrate .

After a while she has finished the book and she switches the tv on .

Henry:As I was about to say - I've won some money on the

bingo .

Tracy appears a little interested .

Henry:oe200 to be exact .

Tracy:Well at least we can use it to buy a new bed . Ours has one

cracked

leg already .Tracy holds out her hand for the money , so Henry goes over and

places it

in her hand . She gives him a peck , Henry wants more but he is

pushed

away .

Tracy:Cann't you wait till later there's a film on I want to watch

now .

Henry:I suppose I'll have to .

Tracy:You won't like this film its a Fred Astaire one .

Henry:I may as well do the ironing then .

Tracy:Yes do that and don't burn my knickers like you did last week .

Henry:I'll try not to .

Tracy watches the tv as Henry heads off for the ironing . (Fadeout)

The next day Henry is sitting in his car a sandwich box on the

passenger

seat and a book open over the wheel .

Henry:She never shows her feelings , I think I'm a skivy sometimes .

He reaches into his lunch box and takes out a sandwich under the

sandwich

is a note , so he opens it .

Henry:"You burnt my knickers again , so buy me some more" (READ

ALOUD)

What does she except with those ones , she does insist I

iron

everything , even her most delicate stuff .

He is about to put the note down when he sees the P.S.

Henry:"P.S. You can choose the colour as I only wear them for you -

loveTwinky Pinky"

Henry smiles and puts the note in his shirt pocket next to his

heart .

Henry:There are some compensations for being married to her , even

though

I am always tired - what with all the decorating and the

ironing .

It would be nice to have a family though but she says she not

ready

yet she just wants to try being a dancer for a few more years

yet .

He finishes his sandwich then with a sigh pulls out and drives

away

(FADEOUT)

Henry is is the living room doing the ironing while watching the

snooker

when Tracy bursts in wearing sports gear.

Tracy:You've got to help me Henry , you've just got to .

Henry:What's up ?

Tracy:I was at the squash club when I had a game with this man ,

only he

turned out to be the owner , only I didn't know . Well I beat

him ,

then he told me if I could beat him again he'd give me a job .

Henry:But what about your dancing ?

Tracy:I'm getting to old now , I mean I'm 25 next month . Besides we

need

the money if we're going to have a new roof put on the houseand

have it rendered .

Henry:What new roof ? I didn't know we were having a new roof .

Tracy:Well we have got to have one and new wiring . Especially if we

have

a family .

Henry:You mean , you , I mean us , I mean you , I mean a baby .

(EXCITED)

Tracy:Certainly not , I'm not ready for wrinkles yet !

Henry:Oh . But how can I help ?

Tracy looks at her watch then starts to undress , while walking out

of the

living room and into the hall with Henry following .

Tracy:We haven't much time , we will have to hurry .

She is trailing her clothes behind her .

Henry:But but but what has this , us , well Twinky Pinky how will

this

get you a job ?

Tracy:By you washing and ironing while I have a bath .

With that we see her knickers thrown in Henry's face as she

dashes

upstairs to the bathroom . Henry picks up the other items of sports

wear

and heads back for the kitchen and his washing machine . He is

stopped in

his tracks by a scream .

Tracy' Voice:Help there's a spider ! (SCREAM)

Henry:Pick it up and flush it twice and don't forget the Domestos .Tracy's Voice:Help , Help , Help oh please my Tumble Tum .

Henry's ears prick up on hearing "Tumble Tum"

Henry:Just a moment Twinky Pinky I'll get the new improved domestos .

We view Henry dash from the hall then return with a giant Domestos

and the

washing up mop ,then dash up the stairs .There are sounds of battle

with

the spider then we hear the voices again , all heard while the

camera

views the hall .

Tracy's voice:Tumble Tum , my hero .

Henry's voice:Twinky Pinky .

Tracy's voice:Tumble Tum you are so brave .

There is silence for a moment , then an enormous splash , some

water

trickles down the stairs . Then there are giggles . Then silence .

Tracy's voice :This would be much more fun if we had a jacoozi .

(FADEOUT)

Henry comes rushing in all excited , he finds Tracy as ever in

front of

the tv watching Dallas , with a Jackie Collins open besides her .

Henry:I've won again , look I've won .

He holds out a wad of notes , he is smiling from ear to ear .

Tracy:Hold on a minute , JR is about to win at Blackjack , there

he's won

$50,000 .(SHE POINTS TO THE TV) Now how much did you win ?

Henry:oe500 , look ! (HE WAVES THE MONEY ABOUT ) .

Tracy:Very good dear , you better give it to me , its just enoughfor a

microwave I saw the other day , I'm not saying your cooking is

bad

but a microwave will help it I'm sure.

Henry hands over the money , Tracy puts it in her book and closes

it ,

then she resumes her religious observances (ie.Watching Dallas) .

After a

while Dallas ends .

Tracy:Well I better be off to bed then , there's nothing any good on

the

box nowadays and I've read enough for today . (SHE GETS UP

AND

SWITCHES OFF THE TV) Goodnight Henry , and try not to wake me

up

when you go to bed .

Henry:All right then , I suppose I may as well do some ironing then .

Tracy goes to bed , Henry goes and does some ironing . We time

lapse to

show that he has done a load of ironing (Mainly Tracy's) He has the

book

that Tracy threw at him on the ironing board he reads as he irons.

There's

a cry of "Henry , oh Henry I'm bored " from Tracy upstairs .

Henry goes to the foot of the stairs and shouts

Henry:I thought you were going to sleep .

Tracy's Voice:But I'm not tired enough .

Henry:Try reading a book .Tracy Voice:Oh Henry . (PLEADINGLY)

Henry looks to heaven in despair and turns back to go to the

kitchen to

resume his ironing , but a call stops him in his tracts .

Tracy's Voice:Oh Tumble Tum , Twinky Pinky needs you .

Henry:England expects that every man shall due his duty . (MUMBLES)

Henry races up the stairs .

Henry:Tumble Tum to the rescue .

We next see Henry and Tracy in bed after Tumble Tum has done his duty

.

Henry is smiling but in a state of shock , Tracy has her back to him

and

is reaching for a book to read .

Tracy:Perhaps I'll finish this book before I go to sleep .

Tracy starts to read ,Henry is still in a state of shock , after

reading

for a while and turning over to the next page Tracy looks over

her

shoulder at Henry .

Tracy:Haven't you got something better to do ? Such as the ironing .

Henry:What dear ? (STILL IN SHOCK , THOUGH IT IS HAPPY SHOCK)

Tracy:Aren't you going to finish the ironing ?

Henry:What dear .

Tracy:The ironing . (SHE TURNS OVER TO FACE HIM)

Henry:Oh the ironing . (HE SAYS THE WORDS BUT DOES NOT UNDERSTAND

THEM)

Tracy:Go and finish the ironing !

With that she kicks him out of bed and as he staggers away sheresumes her

reading . We hear Henry croak "I'll just finish the ironing" , then

from

the view of Tracy still reading we hear a crash as he falls down

stairs .

Henry's Voice:It's ok I'm fine . (FAINT AND IN PAIN)

Tracy:Sush , I'm at the climax now .

With a flourish Tracy closes the book and switches off the bedside

lamp ,

in the background we hear Henry moaning (Fadeout)

Henry is in his car with the book across the wheel and his sandwich

box on

the passenger seat .

Henry:I won on the bingo again and what does she do , she takes the

money

and buys a microwave . (HE IS UPSET)

He has another sandwich before continuing with his "Self Lecturing" .

Henry:I think she takes me for granted , after all I do for her ,

well I'm

not going to stand for it any longer , I'm going to tell her

that

I'm the man about the house and its about time she played the

woman

and did some housework and had some kids . I'll be drawing my

old

age pension before she decides she's ready for kids . Well

things

have to change and change now .He closes his lunch box defiantly . Then pulls out sharply , all

the

"sold" signs rattle in the back . In voice over we hear him say .

Henry's Voice:Yes things will change ,but first I'll post my pools

coupon

I'll have to stop off at the lingerie shop too - I

burnt her

knickers again . (FADEOUT)

Henry comes running into the house all happy, Tracy is waiting for

him in

the kitchen .

Tracy:What do you think you are playing at ? Look at this mess in

here .

Henry has not done the washing up , the ironing is not done either .

Henry:But , but I can explain I have some great news . I've won some

money

Tracy:That's no excuse . I've off to the squash club now and if this

mess

is not cleared up then they'll be trouble .

Henry:But I've won some money .

Tracy:Good , hand it over then .

She holds out her hand .

Henry:I haven't got it yet , but its a lot . I'll know how much in

a few

days , we can start a family now .

Tracy:Don't be disgusting , I'm not getting all wrinkled up at my age

.

Henry:But Twinky Pinky . (PLEADINGLY)Tracy:Don't you Twinky Winky me , just tidy up this mess . And if

you've

won so much money then we'll carpet the spare rooms , its the

last

day of the carpet sale tomorrow . So you can pull up the old

carpet

tonight then we'll get the new one fitted tomorrow .

She walks away in triumph , Henry is left open-mouthed . Tracy

suddenly

turns back .

Tracy:One other thing , try not to burn my knickers with the iron .

Henry:I'll do my best .(DEFEATED) (FADEOUT)

Tracy comes back to the house late , she goes into the kitchen for a

glass

of milk only to find all her knickers burnt , a iron shape on each .

She is livid .

Tracy:Henry , where are you horribly little fat slob ? (ENRAGED)

She searches for him but does not find him , in a state she does to

the

bathroom and slams the door . We hear her inside pouring the water

for a

bath then getting in .

Tracy's Voice:I'll ring his neck the idle good for nothing , he'll

give me

blood pressure he will , and after all I've done for

him .

Downstairs the front door slams open and Henry , a very pissed Henry

comesin carrying a shoebox .

Tracy's Voice:Is that you Henry , is that you ?

Henry:Yes Twinky Pinky , your lover , your husband , your Twinky

Pinky is

home , I bring great gifts for you , I'm rich , I'm so very

rich .

Tracy's Voice:You sound so different , so manly , (PAUSE) are you

drunk ?

Henry:Yes drunk with your beauty , with your charms , with your

love .

Tracy's Voice:If you're drunk then you can sleep on the settee .

Henry climbs the stairs cradling the shoebox and busts into the

bathroom

Tracy screams .

Henry:Behold I bring you a present .

Tracy:I've got seventeen pairs of shoes already . You don't think

I'm

going to forgive you for burning my knickers just for a bribe

of a

pair of shoes . And I bet you haven't pulled the carpet up .

Henry:But these shoes are special .

With that he lunges forward and nearly falls in the bath as he opens

the

shoebox . Out pour lots of spiders .

Tracy:NO , NO , PLEASE NO .

Henry:Don't you like your present Twinky Winky , Tumble Tum spent

hours

looking for them .Tracy has a screaming fit , then grabbing a towel she jumps out of

the

bath and heads for the bedroom , In getting out of the bath she

knocks

Henry in . So a drenched Henry follows her along the corridor and

hammers

on the bedroom door .

Henry:It's me , Tumble Tum Your Lord and Master . Haven't you got a

kiss

for me , my little Twinky Winky .

Tracy's Voice:Go away you horrid man , you burnt all my knickers

then you

frighten me to death with those spiders .

Henry:But I'll make amends , come I'll pull up the carpet , come

and

watch .

Tracy's Voice:Go away you horrid little fat man , go away .

Henry is enraged he knocks the door off its hinges and drags her

out of

bed . He takes her to the spare room .

Henry:Look I'll pull up the carpet .

Henry pulls up the carpet , he stands heaving and sweating and

glaring

looking at Tracy .

Henry:Satisfied ? (SHOUTED)

Tracy:You are a silly little fat man , I don't want to see you ever

again

She turns her back on him and adds over her shoulder .Tracy:Your treatment of me tonight is possible grounds for divorce .

Henry:Divorce but I'm your husband .

Tracy turns to face him .

Tracy:You are a monster .

Henry:Monster am I , then I'll behave like one .

With that he lunges at her and throws her to the ground . Tracy

cowers not

knowing what he'll do next . There is an pause for a moment then

Henry

rushs for her or so it seems . IN fact what Henry does in roll her

up in

the carpet then carry her downstairs while she is screaming all the

time .

Henry then takes her and the carpet out of the house and throws his

burden

into a skip that is over the road . Then he goes back inside the

house .

(FADEOUT)

We next see Henry Watching the TV with the remains of a good meal

on a

tray besides him . Henry now sports a moustache , there is a book

beside

him , he's been reading the same book for ages . Tracy comes into

the

living room , she is all fawning , she clears up his tray . Then

like a

flunky she waits to be allowed to speak .

Henry:Just a moment , I've nearly finished this book .He closes the book , finished he is very proud of himself .

Henry:What was it Tracy ?

Tracy:Well I've got little Henry back to sleep and I've fed the twins

, so

I was wondering , well you know . (SHE PAUSES) . Twinky Winky

wants

her Tumble Tum . (COYLY)

Henry:You have ironed my boxer shorts ?

Tracy:Twinky Winkly has done everything O mighty Tumble Tum .

Henry looks at his watch , before he answers .

Henry:Match of the Day is not on for a bit so Tumble Tum is the man

that

likes to say YES !

Tracy:Oh Tumble Tum !

Henry:Oh Twinky Winky !

We pan back from the settee and just see garments being disgarded ,

and

Henry throws his book away .

Henry:And you said I'd never read a book .

Tracy:And I said I didn't want children .

Henry:I think we should try for 15 then we can have our own rugby

team .

Tracy:I'm not having more than 6 .

Henry:Let's try for 15 but only have 6 .

Tracy:You are naughty .

Henry:Naughty but nice .

To the sounds of giggles we pan back , we now see the one book Henry

hasmanaged to read . It is "Battered Husband" by Michael James . We

pan out

further till we see the outside of the house , there are 3 Rolls

outside

the registraations are "Tracy" , "Henry" and "Battered Husband" .

To sounds of Tracy and Henry the credits roll .

WE COULD DO WHAT JERRY LEWIS DID IN ONE FILM AND PAN OUT EVEN

FURTHER TO

SHOW THE CREW BUT PERHAPS THAT WOULD TAKE THE JOKE TOO FAR .

The End

Michael G Casey email michaelgcasey@hotmail.com

Betting On Disaster ©

By

Michael Casey

Opening

An office with one wall covered in tv monitors from floor to

ceiling , in

front of that is a large desk/counter . There are phones and

intercoms on

the counter plus an array of buttons . Almost a directors gallery but

not

quite . There are three men seated in front of the counter , Mark ,

David,

Terry , besides them is an empty fourth chair .

The first Mark ,who is in his late twenties, in front of him are

some

yeast tablets , there is also a body building magazine , though he

is nobody builder himself , he is very fashion consious .

Next is David , much older he has half moon glasses on , beside him

is

a battered thesaurus , he is doing a crossword , he is wearing

clothing of

a high quality though they would be more suited for Basil Rathbone in

an

old Sherlock Holmes mystery . He looks up at the monitors

occasionally he

is only half interested , he has seen it all so many times before .

Then Terry who is fat and spotty , his fashion sense may have been

buried

with the crock of gold , its lost somewhere over the rainbow . He has

the

remains of several Whimpys in front of him , along with paper cups of

half

drunk coffee . He is reading the Sun , there is a colour photo of

"little

Sammy Fox" , he spills food over the picture and picks it up , he

belches

as he does so.

A very old man with waistcoat and gold chain enters he is leading a

new

recruit .The recruit is all crew cut and collar and tie , he is fresh

from

university .

George:This is your new boy , he'll be taking my old position .

David :Thanks George .Mark :We hope he's as good as you were , I mean are .

George:Were is the correct word .

Mark looks embarrassed by his lack of tack .

George:I'll still be here a while longer till my retirement .

Terry :What's he called ?

Frank :I'm Frank .

David :You look a bit young to me , have you just finished your

finals ?

Frank :Yes , I only left Strobeford a month ago .

Mark :Is that one of the new ones ?

David :Yes it's the newest one in Cambridge , it was founded with the

money

from the Aids Vacine back in 98 .

Terry :You any relation to the Strobeford's .

Frank :Lord Strobeford was my uncle .

David :That explains it then . His best friend owns this outfit .

Terry feeds his face and though a mouthful of chips adds .

Terry :Crossover nepotism .

David :The very thing .

George:I've got other errands to run so I'll leave you to it .

George slowly leaves , dragging one side of his body , he's had a

stroke .

Mark :Thanks , George .

Frank stands not knowing what to to . So Mark motions him to sit in

the

spare seat .

Mark :Its quite straightforward really , we watch all the satelite

feedsas they come in ,then we speak to the tv stations by this

equipment

Mark waves his hand expansively .

Mark :We give them a mix of sport , sensation and human interest .

Terry :Earthquakes and volcanos and plane crashes and fires in

skyscrapers

Mark :People getting married while they parachute from 30000 feet .

Terry :People finding long lost relatives after searching for years .

Mark :I always like those stories , its my soft spot .

Terry :He has other soft spots too , but I shouldn't mock the

afflicted .

David :Very occasionally we give them news .

Mark pushes some paper over his "body building " magazine ,before

resuming

his "induction speech" .

Mark :All human life passes before us and we help share it with the

world

Terry :I have to admit I like the reunions after many years of

separation,

especially when the shock and the excitement gives them a

heart

attack .

Terry breaks into laughter , Mark scowls , Frank looks ill at ease .

David

looks up from his crossword .

David :It always strikes me as ironic how something which people

crave so

much is their undoing for a finish . If they only stayedhappily

ignorant then they'd be alive . Instead they search for years

only

to die of a heart attack when they meet their relatives .

Terry :But think what great tv it makes !"Father found after fourty

years"

then the added bonus , "Father dies in the arms of a daughter

he

never knew" , and the pictures of a daughter in tears chasing

the

ambulance only to be dragged back by customs - now that's what

I

call really good tv .

Mark :You always gloat Terry .

Terry :But its true .

David :It is true , though Terry does dwell on the sensational aspect

.

Mark :Well Frank that's about it ,if you watch us at work you'll

soon get

the hang of it .

Frank :Thanks .

Frank sits down at his place a little unsure . So Terry leans over to

explain.

Terry :See the screens marked 1 to 20 , well each of these buttoms

will

transmit the pictures , all you do is push the button at the

same

time pressing the other set of buttons .Frank :Could you show me ?

A light flashes at Frank's position Terry leans over and presses

before

speaking into the mike at Frank's position .

Terry :CL communications here , what do you want ?

Voice :Can I have some soccar from Brazil ?

Terry looks up and scans the screens , he then presses the button to

match

the picture then presses the "phone" button again .

Terry:They are coming now .

Terry then turns back to Frank .

Terry :See its easy . Press one lot to answer ,then press tv

button ,then

press answer button again . The computer does the rest . I

forgot

to say there's an ear piece to so you can pick out the sound

for

the feed you're viewing .

Frank :Seems straightforward .

David :Occasionally we ring them and tout the services , there's a

list on

a pad besides you .

Frank :You're not very busy now are you ?

Terry :Not really , but when the sports results come in then we get

very

busy .

David :People don't want news , they want entertainment .

Frank looks at the monitors , there is a mixture of sport anddisaster on

the screens , then in a corner on its own he sees another monitor .

Frank :What's that ?

Mark :That's Northern Ireland , we don't get much call for it

nowdays .

David :Most of it is fed straight to West Africa . It's the only

foreign

news they can afford . Andingi Shatola is the world expert on

the

"100 years War in Northern Ireland" .

Frank :You all seem pretty blase about things

David :We've seen it all before that's all , news is the same as

history

- it repeats itself .

A burp from Terry rings out .

Mark :And so does Terry .

Terry :You're quite the little wit today aren't you .

David :Please don't start or you'll give the lad the wrong

impression .

Frank :But you must get excited every now and then . Seeing things

happen

live .

Terry :It's all the same really , bad news spreads fastest , always

has

and always will .

Mark :Except Royal Births , King Harry's triplets a few years ago

caused

a sensation , and we got the news first .David :I have to admit that the appetite for Royal news is amazing .

On one of the many screens a volcano is seen errupting . Mark watches

open mouthed . He puts the volume up so all can hear .

Reporter:Here at the base of Mount Saint Helens we can see a plume of

red

hot ash and fire bursting skyward trying to touch the

sun .

Mark :That's a bad one , though it does look very pretty like a

Turner

painting in some strange way .

Terry :I wonder how many are dead or injured or covered in red hot

ash

like the Romans at Pompeii. (HE IS EXCITED)

David :Thanks for saying Romans its given me the last answer

for my

crossword .

David looks up from the crossword to see the disaster at Mount St.

Helens

David :They shouldn't call it a mountain anymore , way back in 1980

over

1500 feet was ripped off by a volcano , then in 99 another

2000ft

went . Its just a hill really .

Terry :But it still spits death and shakes the earth with gigantic

hicups

Frank :This is the first time I can remember it errupting .

David :Shows your age doesn't it .

Mark :I'll send this to everybody then .Mark starts pressing buttons at his position , he silences the

reporter as

well .

Terry :See how Mark did that , Frank , well you do the same .

A scene of blood an mayhem appears on one screen , Frank flinches ,

Terry

puts the voice on broadcast .

Reporter:Behind me is the stomach churning sight of yet another

victim of

the Cambleforth crusher . This person , for police have yet

to

establish the sex , will be the seventh victim of the crazed

man

who has struck so much terror into the North of England .

Terry :Brilliant I just love a good who dunnit , the real thing is

so

much better than Agatha Christie .

Mark :I bet you'd love to be there , smelling the blood .

Terry :Of course I would ,I haven't been stuck behind a desk all my

life

David :What never ceases to amaze me is that its always the North

that

produces these mass murderers ,I know the North is not a

nice

place to live in , especially after Sellafield exploded and

fell

into the sea , but if you don't like the area you can always

comeand live in the south , providing you are not radioactive

and do

have a job to go to .

Terry :I bet this killer is a wrestler or an American football

player ,

he has to be , the first thing he does is crush their ribs

then

Mark :I think we can do without the details . Besides its boring

now .

Frank :How can you all be so callous , so detached , its real

people not

robots you are talking about . People's fresh and blood ,

not so

many lumps of meat hanging on a butchers hook .

Reporter:Police say they still don't know if more than one person has

been

killed , such is the carnage .

Terry :I'll send that to the Far East , they love Agatha Christie

too .

Frank looks on disbelieving as the other three scan the pictures and

press

their transmit buttons . One one monitor a picture of a little boy

appears

Frank watches with interest , we hear that report .

Reporter:Paulo Caltonat , was out playing this morning when he did

not

return his parents went and looked for him , all they found

was ashoe .

The child's mother appears holding the shoe .

Reporter:Then the family dog started to bark , they found the child ,

but

were unable to rescue him , he was trapped down an old

well . It

was 8am then , it is now 1pm . For five hours he has been

trapped

Terry sees Frank staring at the rescue picture so he nudges David .

Terry:I bet you a dinner at Diablo's that they get the boy out by the

time

we finish tonight .

David looks at the picture for a second to judge the events .

David:The kid will die .

Terry:The last time we had one of these the kid lived .

David:This time he had no breakfast so he'll be hungry sooner and in

that

heat .

David shakes his head , Terry looks uncertain .

Terry:Well a bet's a bet , It'll brighten up our day anyway .

Mark :Sometimes I think you two are real bastards .

David:News people are bastards.(SAID MATTER OF FACTLY , AS IS ALL HE

SAYS)

Frank turns to them , he's only just noticed they have been talking .

Frank:It's bad that isn't it ? I hope the kid gets out .

Mark :Of course he will . (OBVIOUSLY LYING)

Terry:He'll suffer but he'll get out .

David:The kid's had it .Frank is really shocked by David's matter of fact attitude . He

glares at

him .

Frank:How can you say that , don't you want the kid to live ? Haven't

you

got any feelings ?

David:I'm a media man , I have no feelings , the number of times I've

seen

death and destruction . (SAID MATTER OF FACTLY)

Terry:Murder and mayhem . (SAID WITH RELISH)

Mark :Suffering and suicide . (SAID QUIETLY)

David glances at his "echo" before continuing .

David:It no use having feelings they get in the way , you're not

paid to

have feelings , ok stuck here you can have the odd sniffle if

you

like , but the lads at the sharp end cann't afford to do that .

Terry:They have deadlines to meet , planes to catch , satelites

moving out

of position .

Mark :Or even mule trains to catch .

Terry:Do remember old Johnnie Campelton , he once used a carrier

pidgeon

to get some film out .

David:Didn't he win an award for that .

Terry:Yes the Kodak News Award . One or two tried copying him after

that ,

only the natives in some famine ate the pidgeons .David:I remember now , that must have been twenty years ago .

Frank shakes his head in disgust , he looks back at the monitor .

Frank:The kid's fallen further down the well . They're going to get

some

pot-holers to go down after him .

David:It looks like dinner will be on you Terry , and don't forget

dinner

includes a good bottle or three of wine , the 97 is a good

vintage .

Terry:It's not over yet , besides I heard the 96 was a better vintage

.

David:We'll have one of each then .

Terry:Suits me , seeing as you'll be paying , I've heard they're

calling

in a mining engineer to help .

David:That's not on the feed .

Terry:I've plugged into the radio service .

David presses a few switches then listens intently to his earpiece .

David:I still say the kid's had it .

Frank:You're a pair of absolute bastards .

Terry:That's one of the more polite things we've been called .

At this point old George comes in carrying mugs of coffee , he places

one

at each position , a fifth mug he has for himself .

George:Coffee's here . How's the world today lads ?

Mark :There's an interesting human interest item .

Terry :A kids fallen down a well .

David :The kid's a gonner .Frank :These bastards are betting on the outcome .

George:They've been doing that as long as I've know them .

George looks at Frank as they sip the coffee , George fingers the

chain of

his pocketwatch , the chain has trickets hanging from it , one could

be a

cross . Frank is glued to the rescue attempt .

George:How long has the kid been trapped ?

Mark :A few hours , since breakfast their time .

George:So he'll be hungry .

Terry :And thirsty .

David :And he's slipping further down the well . At least one good

thing

can be said of it all .

George:What's that ?

David :I'll be having a really good dinner tonight .

David lights up a really foul cigar .

Frank :I need some air .

Frank storms out .

Terry :I don't think the kid has the stomach for the job .

Mark :Perhaps he's a non smoker ?

George:I better be off then , I've got my rounds to do .

David :Thank's for the coffee , its the only good news we can

gaurantee .

George walks away giving a backward glance at the rescue of child on

tv .

George:I hope the kid'll be ok . (MURMURS)

David:I think Frank will have to start to grow up or he won't lastlong

here .

Mark :Come on give him a chance , it took me a while to get in the

swing

of things .

Terry:I still think you're a bit of a softie .

Mark :I still care if that's what you mean .

David:But at least you control your feelings ,this Frank will be a

nervous

wreck by the end of the day .

Frank returns , he has washed his face .

Frank:Any other good stories ?

Terry:There's been a spillage of chemical waste in Sommerville .

Frank:I know Sommerville my father has a place a few miles from it .

Mark :Is it a nice area .

Frank:Very quite place , though there is a new town nearby and the

old

quarry has the chemical works , you cann't actually see it .

David:You can now there's a cloud hanging over the entire area .

They all look at the pictures from Sommerville , a cloud in the sky

and

people closing all doors and windows , some driving away

Frank:My girlfriend lives in that cottage , luckily she's away .

David:It doesn't look too bad , we have one a month nowdays .

Terry:The Europeans think GB stands for Grimey Bilge , what with all

the

crap we import .

David:It was worth oe80 billion to the economy last year .Mark :But what about the environment ?

Terry:It doesn't matter it all goes to the North , well past Oxford

anyway

Mark :It's that attitude that killed all the seals off back in 88 .

David:I heard the World Wildlife people say there were over a 1000

pair

now , so that's not too bad .

Terry:What's wrong with a few species dying off anyway

Frank:You all sound like the pundits down the pub , nothing

really

matters so long as the price of a pint stays reasonable .

Terry:You forgot to mention so long as the head's not bigger than

the

pint !

David:I cann't abide pubs that do that , its a cardinal sin .

Mark :I hate unwashed glasses myself , I mean you never know what you

may

catch .

Frank:You really are the most selfish lot of bastards I've ever met .

David:Oh do grow up , cann't you tell when we are joking .

Terry:I wasn't joking .

Mark :I was only half joking , well- unwashed glasses ARE

unhealthy .

David:Can we get back to work , looks like a major crash on Brazilian

railways .

They all stare at the scene , bodies everywhere and a mangled mass

of

trains and track .The reporter speaks , David puts it on the tannoyso all

can hear.

Reporter:Here in Santa Jorge we witness a scene of utter carnage , a

train

appears to have hit a petrol tanker that got stuck on the

level

crossing ; the train , a local train was full , it was

market day

David:That Jenkins is a real good actor , he looks as if he IS really

concerned for the people .

Terry:Isn't he the grandson of the late great Peter Jenkins .

David:The very same grandson .

Terry:The top journalism prize is the Jenkins , didn't John Jenkins

get

it too ?

David:Yes , that's why this David Jenkins is trying so hard to live

up

to his father's and grandfather's reputation .

Terry:Like you say he is a good actor .

Mark :Oh I know him , he did actually try to be an actor before he

went

into this game .

David:Only his acting has improved .

Reporter:The scene is one of utter devastion with human remains

littering

the area , the smell of death hangs over like a dark cloud ,

this

dark day will never be forgot .Mark :I thought he'd break into Shakespeare then .

Frank:I don't believe you , of course he's touched , I am and I'm

miles

away , a whole continent away .

Terry:Really? (GENUINELY SHOCKED)

David:You've a lot to learn then . We've all seen it all before ,

hundreds

of times , you get used to it , it becomes routine .

Terry:Boring even .

Mark :Years ago people were shocked when a Pope was shot , even us

,but

times have changed so much .

Frank:I don't think I want to become like you .

David:Then you're in the wrong job .

Old George comes in and hands a message to David .

George:The boss wants to know how Frank is doing .

David:What's he want me to do , write him a bloody school report .

Terry:Just say "He shows promise for the future , once he gets used

to the

working environment he will be a welcome addition to the team "

.

Mark :You must have a degree in bullshit .

David:Just say he's settling in nicely .

George:Ok .

George looks up at the pictures of the train disaster , he nervously

plays

with the chain to his pocket watch .

George:That's a bad one . There must be people trapped inside too .David:There always are in these cases .

Terry:Better off if they died judging by the look of some of them .

Frank:These ghouls think the reporter on the scene is pretending

to be

moved , they say he's acting so he can get the "Jenkins"

award .

George:It used to be called the "Michael Burke" award when I was a

lad .

David:Who's Michael Burke , even I cann't place that name .

George:You're making me feel ancient now . As for young Jenkins

though , I

hate to have to say this but he IS acting . Look at his eyes ,

and

haven't you seen him glance at his watch all the time .

David:I was about to tell him that , Jenkins is hurrying so he can

meet

the deadline for the next satelite feed .

Frank looks more closly and he has to agree with them . George pats

Frank

on the shoulder then leaves ,as George leaves he glances at the

scenes of

destruction on the monitors .

Frank:You're right then , but somebody must care , they MUST .

Mark :Old George does , but it got him nowhere it just left him

drained

and worn out .

Terry:You have to restrain your feelings or else you are left dried

outlike a prune , you must be professional .

At that moment one screen lights up with the "Miss Striptease

Results"

Terry:Bloody Hell look at the tits on her .

David:The rest isn't too bad either . (SAID MATTER OF FACTLY AS

USUAL)

Mark :So much for the restraint .

Terry:Wait till the "Body Builders" come on then we'll see about

restraint

Frank:I thought we were a news channel ?

David:This is part of the results service . The Miss Striptease

is 50

years old , it started when people got fed up of the Miss

Beauty .

Mark :I saw a video about that at the library , it was very quaint .

Terry:All" I want to meet people , look after animals and old people

and

above all be happy" .

David:They didn't mention the fact" favours" were offered .

Terry:And gratefully received !

Terry laughs like a drain , David chuckles softly . Mark looks

embarrassed

They all resume their work for a while . Until there is a space

report .

David puts it on the tannoy .

Reporter:Today will be the 30th landing on Mars , all is expected

to go

well though everybody will be holding their breaths , foras you

may remember the last landing ended in disaster when the

crew of

ten all died when a retro rocket misfired and so caused a

crash .

The crew on the Mars settlement are also hoping for a

safe

landing as due to the previous disaster their return home

has

been delayed by two years .

David:I'd forgotten all about that , its just like clockwork .

They all press their controls to send the pictures everywhere .

Terry:Oh I remember the crash the last time , it was really good ,

I've

got it on tape at home in fact . I watch it whenever I

have a

a hangover , I get so excited I forget my headache .

Mark :I bet you've got tapes of "Miss Striptease" too .

Terry:Of course , the space striptease ones are the best though .

Terry laughs like a drain .

David:It's still seems odd that with all the progress in space we

still

don't have many woman up there .

Frank:I like all the harmony there is in space .

The other three stare at him .

Frank:You know Russia , America , Japan and Australia all cooperating

.

David:Am I hearing things ?Terry:No he really did say it .

Mark :I know I was a triffle naive when I started but not that much .

Frank:I don't care what you cynics say , I think it's nice , it shows

the

true human spirit .

Terry and David exchange looks .

Terry:Go on David you tell him .

David clears his throat before he speaks .

David:Many many years ago there was an accident at a Nuclear

reactor ,

this was before fision and fast breeders were commonplace .

The

place was called "Three Mile Island" in America , then a few

years

later a real disaster occured at a placed called "Chernobil"

in

Russia . I call it a disaster , nothing compared to when

Sellafield

fell into the sea or when Minsk was wiped off the face of the

earth.

or when Los Angeles just dissappeared .

Terry:The Americans didn't mind about L.A. as they call it because as

they

said at the time "We've Lost Aids" . As Aids was rampant in the

city

then , the vaccine not being yet discovered .

David:To continue , these civil nuculear accidents showed

theSuperpowers, as they were then called , what the world would

look

like if they ever used their arsenals . So they decided to

reduce to

10% of what they both once had . So they then had a surplus

of

rocket fuel , so it was decided to head for Mars . It was of

mutual

benefit and prestidge . The Russians spent the money saved

not on

guns but on American grain so it worked out well for

everybody .

Terry:The Japs always wanted to go into space but wanted a partner ,

so

when one night a drunken Australian P.M. said Australia would

go

to the Moon and then beyond , while at a reception at the

Japonese

Embassy , the Japs showed it on tv .

David:The P.M. couldn't back down , so Australia and Japan joined

forces .

Frank my boy , its got bugger all to do with harmony , it just

plain

bloody sense , its cheaper than the arms race and once this

planet

is finished , which will be in 200 years at the rate we're

going the

Yanks and the Russians want somewhere else to go . As for theJaps

its an adventure , and the Australians will do anything for a

laugh.

Terry:It was the Australians who started the space striptease before

the

tv companies bought some timeshare on a supplies vessel .

Frank:Your joking .

Terry:Staight up . An Aussie was in space , when they beat the West

Indies

at cricket so he got pissed on Australian Champagne , as did

his

female crew . It ended up in the first space striptease , and

nine

months later two of the Japs gave birth . The Aussie and his

two

wifes and children went to live on the statelite relay station

on

the dark side of the moon .

Mark :I bet you've got tapes of that space first too . (DISGUSTED)

Terry:Of course , its antique footage worth a bit no doubt ,

but I

wouldn't sell .

Mark :A true collector . (SARCASTICALLY)

On one screen an update of the trapped infant appears , Frank puts

it on

the tannoy.

Reportor:Sadly it looks as if the trapped infant has given up his

fightfor life , he's made no sound for two hours now . The rescue

will

continue but it looks as if there will be no rejoicing when

it is

over.

On the monitor the picture move from the reporter back to the

mother

clutching her child's shoe .Frank lowers the volume , he sheds a

silent

tear for the dead infant .

David:Well Terry it looks like dinner is on you .

Terry:You win some , you lose some .

Frank looks at them in disbelief , then he storms out .

Terry:What's the matter with him .

David:He won't last the week .

Mark :I better see if he's ok .

Mark gets up and heads for the door . Terry shouts after him .

Terry:He's got a girl friend already , you won't get a look in .

David:It never ceases to amaze me how naive the youth of today are .

Terry:They've got no backbone at all .

On one screen an update of the chemical spillage at Sommerville .

David:It looks like the chemicals were much more toxic than first

expected

Terry:They always lie when something happens .

David:They started flying the stuff in when locals blockaded the

roads .

Terry:It's progress no doubt .

Frank and Mark return , Frank has washed his face .Mark :Did we miss anything ?

Terry:Not really , the chemical spillage is worst than they

admitted .

David:But that's par for the course , but who care's anyway -its up

North.

Mark :I suppose you are right .

Frank shakes his head in disgust .

Terry:Do you want to go double or quits ?

David:You mean for two dinners ?

Terry:Why not its been a boring day so far .

David:What's the bet ?

Terry scans the screens .

Terry:I say they'll be at least ten dead at Sommerville .

David:Your pushing your luck .

Terry:The weather report says its windy so they'll be a wider

spread .

David:Does this bet include deaths caused by panic as well or just

direct

poisoning .

Terry:Well I thought you'd give me a chance and include the indirects

too

David:I'm a fool to myself but you're on ,it has been a slow day

after all.

Mark :Cann't you to give it a rest , you can see the boy is upset .

David:Dear me , you're not going soft on us are you , after all this

time

Mark :Let's just say I have some tact .

Terry:Bollocks .David:Don't say that word you'll excite him . (DRYLY)

Terry:You're right there .

Mark turns his back on them in disgust

David:So the bet is on . I'll put it on all the screens , there

should be

two or three crews up there .

The screens now all show Sommerville with a poison cloud over it .

Frank looks at the pictures with a heavy heart .

Terry:Look there's an ambulance .

David puts the volume on tannoy for that picture .

Reporter:Here at "The Haywaine" there has been an unfortunate death

.An

aged couple hearing of the alert tried to leave their

cottage ,

sadly the man , a Mr John Demkin , while helping his

wife

downstairs tripped and broke his neck , his wife also

fell

breaking her pelvis . She was still alive when discover

by a

policeman who had come to help evacuate them . She died of

shock

shortly after hearing that her husband of sixty years was

dead .

Terry:Two down eight to go .

David:Sixty years married , you only get thirty years for mass murder

.

Mark :I think its sweet being married for sixty years .Frank:I know them . (HE SAYS QUIETLY)

Terry:Not any more .

Frank is in shock now , he hasn't got the strength to answer back

David:It looks like the usual story , pretend there is no emergency ,

then

admit there is a slight problem .

Terry:Then say the problem is just a little worse than anticipated ,

but

still no cause for alarm .

David:Then before the ink has dried on the press release its bingo .

Terry:Total disaster .

David:And where did we leave the emergency plans , does the kit

still

work ?

Terry:There is a silver lining - it makes great tv .

David:Always . (HE'S GETTING BORED NOW)

Mark :I just heard on a radio feed the Cambleforth Crusher has been

caught

Terry:Was I right , was he a wrester ?

Mark :No but , he was in an American football team . Only he got

kicked

out when the trainer found him with his wife , the woman set

him up

just to annoy her husband .

Terry:Don't tell me all his victims look like the trainer and his

wife .

Mark :Yes . You always spoil the fun , you should have let me spin it

out.Terry:I would normally , as you are so good at spinning things out ,

but I

am only interested in this poison cloud for the moment .

Mark :You really like the way I tell things . (HE IS FLATTERED)

Terry:Of course . (OFF HANDEDLY , HE IS CONCENTRATING ON THE SCREENS)

David:You do brighten the day for us , everything is oh so

predictable .

Mark is really flattered , he is beaming with pride . We look at

them in

turn . Mark his ego boasted , David bored , Terry on edge over the

bet ,

Frank in the depths of sorrow . Old George comes in with coffee and a

pile

of food for Terry .

George:How's things ?

David:Terry is afraid he'll have to stand me two dinners .

George passes out the coffee and leaves the tray by Terry . Frank

awakes

slightly from his torpor , he picks up his coffee and sips it .

George:You betting on the poisoning ?

Terry:Only another eight deaths then its David who will be buying

the

dinner . An old couple have died already .

Mark:They are playing double or quits .

George:It looks bad . What's the matter with the boy .

Mark:All this is too much for him , he knew the people who died too .

George:Oh .

George goes over to Frank , he gives him a reasuring pat on theback ,

then before turning to leave he looks from Mark to David and Terry

then

back to Frank , then to the screens , reporters jostling to film

the

bodies of the old people being put in the ambulance . George looks at

his

pocket watch then leaves the room , still clutching the watch .

David:What's this .

On the screens a police car has hit another car . Both are mangled .

Terry:They look dead , the bodies haven't been moved yet .

David:That's another three dead .

Terry:No another four , look there's a toddler in the back .

The reporter on the screen speaks .

Reporter:We came across this scene while on our way to a local

hospital.

The camera moves around the scene , we see all the dead clearly .

Reporter:There is nothing we can do for them , so we'll carry on to

the

hospital .

We see Terry smiling now .

Terry:That's six then , it looks like dinner will be on you . As

I'm

feeling generous instead of two dinners for me on two nights

I'll

let Mark come with us

Mark:That's good of you but I may be doing something else tonight .

David:Not washing your hair ? (QUIETLY)Mark:Pardon ?

David:You're not wasting a change to eat at my expense ?

Mark:Oh all right then I'll come .

Mark picks up the phone and a hurried conversation ensues ,

before

slightly flustered he puts it down .

Mark:It's all settled I'll be going out with you two .

Mark tidies the phone and edges it away . David and Terry exchange

smiles.

Terry:That's so long as another four die .

Mark:I almost forgot that .

David:It looks like the reporting teams are all heading for the

hospital.

Terry:Deathbed gasps and hands clutched in love as one "half" dies .

Mark:Those things still bring a tear to my eye .

On the screens we see three victims swathed in bandages and tubes .

Reporter:These three men were at the chemical company when calamity

came .

David:Sometimes I wish they'd cut the alliteration , it sounds as it

he is

describing an old John Wayne film - "Calamity Came" .

Terry:That's quite good that "Calamity Came"

Mark:Look , I think those three are going to die .

The three watch as the screens show the men in their final death

throes .

The reporter is moving forward looking for an exclusive interview

when the

worker literally dies on him . The reporter is seen mouthing "Ohshit" in

his disappointment . So the reporter does not try to interview the

other

two . He switches to an oration .

Reporter:As we stand here behind me these brave men fight their last

brave

fight . The struggle for life itself , but it is all in vein

, we

can hear them gasping for breath , choking for air ,

clutching

the hands of the nurses in one last desperate act of

gratitude .

We look back at David and the others again .

David:Well that is nine , one more and the dinner is on me .

Terry:That reporter should go into politics he is so corny .

Mark:It's true what you say but I still find it touching .

They notice Frank still clutching his coffee , he is at breaking

point ,he

is glaring at the screens .

David:You can leave if you want to Frank.

No reply from Frank .

David:You can leave now if you like Frank .

Terry:Yes go , you just aren't suited for this .

Mark:It's not everybody's cup of tea .

Frank:Perhaps I should .

George comes in at that moment .

George:The old man wants to know if you lot are on strike ?

David:We'll be back to normal soon .Terry:As soon as I win my bet .

There is a rush of activity on the screens , a body is rushed in

on a

stretcher .

Terry:Looks like number ten and dinner is served .

Reporter:This young girl crashed her car when she swerved to

avoid an

ambulance . It does not look good .

The nurses on screen cut away the clothes of the girl and a heart

shock

machine is wheeled forward . We hear Terry say "God what a body ,

what a

waste" . We see the face now .

Frank:Jane ! Jane ! Jane ! (SCREAMING)

David:What's the matter with him ?

Mark:It cann't be his girlfriend he said she wasn't there .

One the screen we see the doctor applying the shock , the girl's

body

flinches . We see Frank again .

Frank:Jane ! Jane ! Jane !

Terry:I think it is his girlfriend . What a waste , what a body .

At

least I get dinner .

Frank jumps up and begins to throttle Terry , on the screens

behind

another shock is given to the girl . The body of the girl jumps ,

then the

doctor listens for a pulse . Frank stops to look . As he loosens hisgrip

on Terry he sees the doctor shake his head . The girl must be dead .

Frank:No , No , No Oh God No .

Frank moves forward and touches the face of Jane on the screen .

As he

strokes her hair on the screen a sheet is slowly brought over her

face .

Frank screams "You Bastards" and punches one of the monitors.

There is a loud bang and flash , everthing disappears .

We are now outside and two maintainance men are forcing the door

open .

1st Man:The breakers tripped out , all the teams are screaming blue

murder

all the satelite feeds have gone dead .

They open the door to the room David and Co were in . Only it is

covered

in cobwebs , as the maintainance men enter a dove flies out .

On the desk are three Toby jugs each has a face , David , Terry and

Mark

to one side is a cracked statue of an angel . The men move to a

breaker

switch , before they get to it the lights come on . They hear a

loud

chuckling . Outside in the corridor is George , it is him who is

chuckling

He is looking at his pocket watch . We see it clearly there is a

cross on

the chain , and a Star of David and a little Budda and a littlesword .

The face of the pocket watch has Father Time on it . The maintainance

men

look after George they are about to question him when he disappears

as he

walks down the corridor . We hear news reports from offices down

the

corridors . All is good news .

The End

Michael G Casey email michaelgcasey@hotmail.com

Guardian Angel ©

by

Michael Casey

Opening Scene

A bus stops at a stop a blind lady gets off , the bus moves off

leaving her trying to cross a busy road.The traffic roars by

nothing wanting to stop.We see a very large Hells Angel

approaching , meanwhile a car spatters the blind woman with mud

it had been raining earlier so there are puddles.The biker gets

nearer and sees the old blind lady having difficulties.So he

slows and stops.Getting off his bike he walks towards the blind

lady.As he stands next to her a shaft of sunlight bounces off

his visor into the unseeing eyes of the blind lady , he pushes

the visor back then speaks.He is about very big and towers over

the blind lady , there is a skull and crossbones on his helme

Rob:Can I help you?

Hanna:Thanks luv , could you cross me the road , they don't want

stop even for this.She waves her white stick.

Rob:Oh I see , sorry I mean I understand.

Hanna:It's ok luv , just give me your arm.

Rob offers his arm , he places the blind lady's arm on his.

Hanna:My you are a big lad , so strong just like my old Sid God

rest him.

Rob:Er , yes.

Hanna:Just accross the road will be fine , though with all the

traffic noise its hard to concentrate on where I'm going.

Rob:I'll take you where you'r going if you like?

Hanna:If you could its only down the road , the big blue house

with the nice flowers in the front garden.

Rob:Ok then.

They set off down the road towards the big house.Looking down

the road towards their destination we see another woman she has

just left the house they are heading for.This woman is about

sixty , with hair up in a bun , she is wearing a silk dress

and immitation pearls , she has a copper braclet on he right

arm , a fob watch is on her cardigan.She is annoyed about

something , she crosses the road without looking , traffic

stops suddenly to avoid her.She looks looks back at the house

she has just left and shakes her head she is swearing , though

we don't hear her.She goes into a block of newly constructed

flats.Just in view we can see a sign saying "Another Lington

Development for the Senior Citizens".

Rob and Hanna arrive at the house , it is very imposing with

a large front garden , you could easily park two estate cars

by the front door.Rob rings the doorbell.Rob:I'll be going then.

Hanna:No you must come in and have some tea.

The doorbell opens anther old woman appears.

Julie:Yes can I help you?

Hanna:It's me Julie.

Hanna emerges from behinh the large form of Rob.

Julie:I didn't see you there , your boyfriend is so big.

Hanna:Oh you tease , but you are right , feel his arm muscles.

Rob is embarrassed as the two old ladies start to feel his

arm muscles.At this moment a passing police car stops ,the

P.C. had casually looked out of the window to see what

looked like two old ladies struggling with the large biker.

The Pc. arrives breathless , expecting the worse.

Pc:Whats going on here then?

He has his finger ready to radio for help , his grip firm

on his trunceon ready to use it if neccessary.Rob is much

bigger than the Pc.

Julie:Its ok officer , this young man is with my friend.

Hanna:What do you want officer?

Pc.:You are ok?

Hanna:Yes , this young man has been an angel he crossed me the

road, the traffic is terrible.

Suppressing a smile the Pc. answers

Pc.:There are road works on the high street , so all the

traffic is coming down this road.

Looking at one then another of the ladies then back to Rob

after casting a glance inside the open front door the Pc

says.Pc.:Well if you are sure everything is ok?

Julie:Positive.

The Pc.'s radio bursts into action , so answering it the Pc

dashes back to his car , giving one final backward glance

at the unlikely trio.It then starts to rain.

Hanna:It's raining , make him come in for some tea Julie , its

the least we can do.

Hanna looks up at Robs face , her eyes unseeing.

Rob:I suppose it would be nice ,but what about my bike its in

way.

JUlie:Go back for it now , there's plenty of room for it here.

Rob dashes back up the road for his bike , then roars

into the driveway.Over the road a curtain twitches on a

second floor flat , we see the lady in pearls having a

nose.Rob leans his bike against the wall of the house then

the trio go in.With a final twitch the woman in pearls

puts her curtain back in position.We see her mouth "The

Stupid Bitch" .

Inside Julie takes Hanna's arm and the three walk

down a hallway to a sitting room.Rob looks all about

he can see that the house is "posh" , there is a

stairway with a landing half way up it , there's a suit

armour there , there are pictures lining the stairway,

Victorian watercolours.Rob trips over a mat in the

hall as he looks about him.Hanna laughs.

Hanna:Mind you don't fall on the mat , I know where everything

is so I'm ok.

Julie:He was just admiring my little old house.Rob:Its so so , posh like , just like the tv.

Julie:It has seen better days.

She wipes away a cobweb from yet another picture.

Rob:Its very nice.

Rob continues to look all about him, a slight look of

envy on his face , thwy enter the sitting room.This

has a stags head on the wall and a zulu spear and

shield , more pictures too , cobwebs on them.

Rob:Hey this is really fab , like a museum almost.

He goes around touching things , he sees a silver

paper knife he picks it up and holds it lovingly.

It must look as if he'd steal given half a chance.

Julie: I'm glad you like it please do sit down.

They all sit on a leather settee , which has seen

better days.A small corgi comes in through the

French Windows , it immediately jumps up onto Rob

licking his face.Hanna hears this and laughs.

Hanna:It looks as if Scampi likes him.

Rob pulls the dog off , for a second it looks as

if he will hurt it , in fact he lifts it high in

the air with one hand , as the dog wriggles Rob

starts to stroke it , the dog licks his hand then

Rob places him on his lap , Scampi lies on his

back so Rob strokes his stomach.THe dog moans

its thanks.

Julie:Well while you two get aquainted I'll get the tea.

Hanna:Can I help?

Julie:No , you could never make tea even when you were sighted.Hanna puts her tongue out as Julie leaves the room.

Hanna: She's been like that all the sixty years I've know her.

Rob:She's very nice , the too of you are.

Hanna:Don't tell her that or I'll never hear the end of it.

Rob:This place is....

Hanna:I know what you are going to say , its posh and Julie

must be rich.

Rob blushes , the dog jumps off his lap and into one of

the arm chairs.Before he can say any more Julie enters

the room carrying a tray with teapot and service on

it.The service is of silver , there are three cups and

saucers on the tray , the best bone china , suqeezed

on is cake and serving plates.Rob's eyebrows shoot up.

Julie:Yes it is real silver.

Rob:I didn't mean to stare , it's just that I'm not used to

this.I mean all I did was cross the road with your friend.

Julie:We were going to have this anyway , besides it is raining

so it makes sence to have tea.

JUlie is matter of fact , she is NOT being blase.

Hanna:What's your name anyway?

Julie:Yes , what is it ? We could call you muscles.

Rob:I'm Rob.

JUlie:I'm Julie and my fat friend is Hanna.

Hanna:See how see talks to me.

JUlie:Well you are fat , you have always been fat.

Hanna:Well I cann't tell , I cann't look at myself in a mirror

can I?

Rob is slightly embarrassed by this arument.Julie winksat him.

JUlie:Well Hanna as you are blind you cann't see how fat you

are. I'm sure you've put it all on these past few

years

Hanna:Well if I'm fat then you are ugly , I'm just glad I

don't have to look at your ugly face any more.

Rob shuffles on his seat he feels he shouldn't be

there.

Julie:Well I suppose if I wear a blindfold everytime you come

then I won't notice how fat you are.

The two ladies burst into laughter , the tears coming down

their faces.Rob joins in and Scampi barks.

Rob:Are you two always as bad as this?

Hanna:No - worse.

Hanna and Julie desolve into gales of laughter.

Julie:I used to call her "Hanna no knickers" when we were at

school.

Hanna:Thats how we became friends , Julie gave me an old pair of

her

maids.

Julie:Things were quite grand then , the house the gardens

everything.

She gets up and looks out through the french Windows at the

garden , she waives her hand at it.

JUlie:It was so colourful , we even had a pond with goldfish in.

Rob:I saw one like that once , at the Botanical Gardens.

Hanna:Yes it was lovly , I remember it as it was , I'm glad I

cann'tsee it as it is now.

Rob gets up and stands beside Julie looking out of French

Window.He can see how delapidated the garden is.

Rob:It is a state.

JUlie:My Wilf , my husband used to look after it.Since he died

though..

She sighs , Scampi runs out into the garden hoping Rob

will

play with him.Julie goes back to the settee and slumps

down.

Hanna puts a comforting hand on her shoulder , all Rob

can

do is watch.He looks from them to the garden , then back

at

them.He licks his lips then speaks.

Rob:I could try and tidy it up for you.

JUlie looks up , she cann't believe what she has heard.

JUlie:It would be good to have it back in shape as my Wilf used

to....

Hanna:Even the smells would be good , I can remember the looks.

Both women sigh and smile , remembering bygone days.

****** We could have a memory sequence of the two old ladies

and

their spouses enjoying a summers tea in a beautiful

garden.

*******

Julie:But you couldn't , I mean imposing on you , a stranger.

Rob:But we don't have to remain strangers.Hanna:Julie couldn't pay much , repairs to the house eat into her

pension.

Rob:I'll do it for nothing , I like this house , it feels so so -

nice.

JUlie:But I must pay you , not much but I'll pay.

Rob:I couldn't accept money .You can invite me to tea again.

Julie:But , But.

Hanna puts her hand on JUlie's lips to silence her.

Hanna:I'm the blind one but its me who can see the gift horse.

Rob:What's a gift horse?

Hanna laughs , Julie then Rob join in , Scampi barks.

Julie:We used to laugh a lot when we were young.

Hanna:You make us feel young again Rob.

JUlie:And silly.

Hanna:The silly things we used to do.

Julie:LIke riding motor bikes.

Rob:YOU TWO on bikes!

Hanna:We were young once , we weren't born old.

Rob:I'm just surprized thats all.

Julie:We were wild when we were young , Sid and Wilf had to tame

us.

More gales of laugher , Hanna whispers an old secret in

Julie's

ear , Julie blushes.

Julie:Don't you dare mention that.

JUlie covers Hanna mouth to prevent her from embarrassing her

in

front of Rob.Rob:You two are fun.

Looking out the window Rob can see the rain has stopped , so

he

gets up.

Rob:I better be off then.I have to have a few hours sleep before

the

the night shift.

The ladies get up too.

Hanna:I'll see you to the door.

Julie:We both will , it IS my house , besides your as blind as a

bat.

As Julie leads on she trips over the mat.Hanna laughs.

Hanna:What was that you were saying?

JUlie:You've gone deaf too!

Hanna puts her tongue out at Julie , Rob smiles.

Rob:I'll be off then , I can come back same time next week , then

I can start on your garden.

JUlie:If its not too much trouble.

Hanna: And she'll have strawberries and cream ready.

Rob: Bye then.

Rob puts his helmet on , mounts his bike and is off with a

roar.

The ladies wave him goodbye.Across the road a curtain

twitches,

its the same flat.As Rob goes down the road the Pc sees him

again

turning to a sergeant who is with him.

Pc:What do you make of that then?Sgt:It takes all sorts I suppose.

One week later

Rob roars up the road into the driveway of Julie's house ,

Hanna

is standing beside Julie .A curtain twitches over the

road.

Rob gets off the bike.

Rob:I'm here then , I'll start straight away.

Julie:You don't want tea first?

Hanna:Yes you must have tea first.

Rob:Its best to work on an empty stomach.

Hanna:Of course , besides you'll work up an appetite.

They go around the back of the house , into the garden.It

is

even bigger close too , than it appeared through the

window.

Julie:I hope I'm not imposing on you.

Rob:It'll keep me out of trouble.

He smiles as he says this ,JUlie and Hanna are mystified

by

this off hand comment.

Hanna:Julie has found a few photos of how the garden used to look.

Julie takes them out of a big black handbag , handing them

to

Rob.

Rob:Very nice , I am no gardener though.

Julie:I just thought it would help you .

Hanna: So you can picture it in your mind.Julie:If we could get it back to half as good it would be great.

Rob:Well I'll go my best.I'll start by cutting the grass.Then I

could

clear the old pond.

Julie:I found a few tools and things in the shed , I haven't been

in

it since since...

She stops and starts to dab her face , Hanna puts her arm

around

her to console her , they warm back into the house leaving

Rob.

He looks down at the rusting tools , he picks up the syth then

with a shout of "Jeronimo" he attacks the overgrown grass.

Inside Julie has regained her composure.

Julie:He's really attacking the grass.

Hanna:He's grunting a lot too , it must be hard work.Tell me what's

happening.

Julie starts a commentry.

Julie:He's rubbing the sweat away on his sleeve.He started again

now.

He's stopped again now.He's pulling his rugby shirt thing off

.

She falls silent.

Hanna:Go on , go on , I can only hear not see.

She taps Julie with her stick.

JUlie:I don't know if I should tell you , I mean its taken my

breath

away.Hanna:I think I'm old enough to have my breath taken away.Go on

tell

me.

Julie:Well you know when we felt his arms they were big and strong

Hanna:Yes yes , go on.

Julie:Well do you remember years ago when we went to the circus.

Hanna:Yes yes

Julie:Well hew's just like the circus strongman

Hanna:No never!

JUlie:Yes , he has a hairy chest too and.

Hanna:Yes yes.

Julie:Tattoos.

They both giggle like schoolgirls , whispering things in each

others ears , only to collapse in laughter.

Hanna:Oh we did have fun when we were young.

JUlie:THere's life in us yet.

Outside there is a scream , they both jump up.

Hanna:What is it , what is it?

JUlie:He must have hurt himself.

Taking Hanna by the arm ,Julie leeds her outside.

JUlie:What is it Rob?

Rob:I pricked my finger on a few wild roses growing in the grass.

JUlie:Show me.

Rob shows his finger.

JUlie:I'll get disinfectant and a plaster.

Hanna:You should wear gloves,I'm sure JUlie left some out.

Rob:They were too small.

Julie returns with the disinfectant and a plaster.She tendshis

wounds like a mother does to a child.

JUlie:There thats better, isn't it.

Rob:Thanks.

Hanna:Aren't you going to rest?

Rob:If I attack the grass , once its out of the way the rest will

be

easy.Besides I've started so I'll finish.

Julie and Hanna laugh then go back inside.Rob resumes his

work.

For an hour and a half Rob attacks the grass screaming at it

as he does so.The ladies find it entertaining,it reminds them

of their bygone days.

***** WE COULD HAVE ANOTHER FLASHBACK OF THE LADIES AND SPOUSES IN

THE

GARDEN TIDING IT UP AND PLANTING THINGS.

Rob stacks all the grass in a heap at the bottom , then with

his

sweatshirt in his hand he goes back into the house covered in

sweat and slightly out of breath.

Rob:Well thats that done , we could have a bonfire then the next

time

we can start on the beds and borders then some planting the

time

after that.

Julie:You are so kind , a real angel.

Hanna:You better have a wash before tea.

JUlie:I'll show you the bathroom.Julie takes him to the bathroom , Rob looks about him the

place

still retains some of its glory.There is a faraway look in

his

eyes.888AGAIN HIS LOOKS COULD BE ENVY OR MUCH WORSE888

Rob returns his hair is wet.

Julie:You'll catch a cold if you don't dry your hair.

She goes out of the sitting room and retuns with a towel.She

throws it at him saying.

Julie:I'll go and get the tea ready , be sure you dry your hair.

Hanna:I'll do it for him Julie.

So Hanna feels for the towel then starts to dry Robs hair,

JUlie returns with the tea.Its a full meal she brings on a

trolley.

Julie:If you can stop molesting that young man , then we will eat.

Hanna puts her tongue out , Rob smiles.They have a really

good tea.With ham and salmon sandwiches and ice cream and

jelly

and cake and tea with cream.

Rob:This is really nice , its like a birthday party.

Julie:Its the least I can do , as you won't accept any money .

Hanna:What's your job by the way?

JUlie:As nosey as ever.

Rob:Oh I fill up the shelves in the hypermarket , at night

mainly.

Hanna:So thats where you get the muscles from.

Rob:I suppose so , I am over six feet three and quite heavy.

JUlie:Whatever you do does not matter , all I can say is you area gentleman , helping us so.

Rob:Well its like being on holiday here , its so nice , I like it

here

Julie:Well eat up , its good to see a healthy appetite.

Rob:While we are asking question can I ask you one?

Julie:Certainly.What do you want to know?

Rob:You said last time you time were on bikes.

Hanna:It was in the war , everybody did things they would never

dream of in peace time.

Julie:We ended up a messengers , so we rode bikes.

Rob:Have you ridden since then?

Hanna:Of course not.I couldn't even if I wanted to as I'm blind

as for Julie she's too old and scared.

JUlie:No I'm not scared , and as for age I'm seven months and

two weeks younger than you.

Hanna:You forgot the three days.

JUlie:Days don't matter.

Hanna:Seven mopnths and two weeks do though.

Julie puts her tongue out at Hanna.

Hanna:I may be blind but I can tell when you are scared.

She pauses, then adds.

Hanna:And when you put your tongue out at me.

Rob and JUlie laugh , Hanna just adds.

Hanna:Told you so.

Rob:Its a pity you haven't got a helmet Julie , I could take

you for a spin.

JUlie:Yes it is.

Hanna:Scared thats what you are.Julie:No I'm not , I just don't have a helmet.

Hanna:Oh yes you do.

Julie:Of course I don't.

Hanna:Yes you do.

Julie:No I don't , I should know what I have or don't have in my

house !

Hanna:Just you wait!

With that shwe stood up , trampling on Rob's toes as she

did so.She leaves the room to return a few minutes later

holing two riding helmets aloft triumphantly.

Hanna:And what may I ask do you call these!

Julie:Riding helmets!

Hanna:Excuses , excuses just because you are afraid and ashamed

to admit it.

Julie:Hanna you get worse.

Hanna:I dare you!

Julie strides across the room snatching a helmet from

Hanna.

Julie:Will this do Rob?

Rob:I suppose so.

Then JUlie drags Hanna outside , Rob follows a smile on

his face.Julie climbs on behind Rob , Hanna touches her

To prove for herself that she is really on.Then Rob roars

off , with Hanna waving at them.Over the road a curtain

twitches.Rob drives around the block , they are spotted

by the Pc. and Sgt. again.

Sgt:They must be on vitamins these pensioners.

Pc.:Is that a proper helmet sarg.?Sgt:The inspector would throw the book at you if you even

thought of it.

Pc.:Only doing my duty sarg.

Sgt.:Get some experience first sonny.

Pc.:Yes sarg.

After several cercuits around the block Rob returns with

JUlie.She is breathless and very excited.

Julie:Hanna it was great , so fast , the wind in my hair.

Hanna:And up your dress.

Hanna helps JUlie off the bike , rearranging her clothes.

Julie:I feel drunk , like VE. day all over again.

Rob:I better be off now ladies.

Julie:Must you.

Hanna:He must rest before he goes to work.

Rob:I'll be back nmext week , bye.

Rob roars off , the ladies wave him farewell , again a

curtain twitches over the road.Leaning on Hanna Julie

goes inside the house.

Hanna:Your behaviour was not proper , I'm sure I could have seen

your knickers if I was not blind

Julie:Some of us wear them .

Hanna:That was years ago , as a child , I was from a poor

family.

Julie:It was so exciting , I had to hold on tight , it was like

being twenty again.

Hanna:You have no shame.

JUlie:You can talk I saw you drying his hair .

Hanna:Gh you.They were silent for a moment then they burst out

laughing.

One week later

Rob roars up un his bike , the curtain twitches over the

road.He goes into the garden and starts work.He weeds the

flower beds and trims the borders.After an hour Julie and

Hanna bring him out some iced barley water.THey have a

large jug and a small glass.Rob hands back the glass to

drink straight from the jug.

Julie:My it is thirsty work , he's drinking straight from the

jug.

Hanna:It always tastes better that way , I remember drinking

from the milk jug as a child.My father would laugh, then

I would burp.

Julie:That would not surprize me in the least.

Hanna puts her tongue out at JUlie , Rob then burps.Julie

is disgusted and walks inside , leaving Hanna and Rob

laughing.

Hanna:Well its only nature , she is so snooty sometimes.

Rob:Can you find your way back to the house?

Hanna:I can , its some much easier now all the grass is cut.

Rob:I suppose it is, I've stacked all the grass in the corner of

the garden , we can have a bonfire when it dries out.

Hanna:I'll tell Julie to start on the tea you'll be finished

soon won't you?

Rob:In about half an hour , then next time we can start

planting.

Hanna makes her way up the garden into the house , Robresumes his work.Fourty five minutes later Rob finishes

and goes into the house.

Hanna:Your fifteen minutes late.

She is reading the time with her finger on her blind

persons watch( the glass moves on a hinge).

Rob:Sorry , I'll get washed before we eat.

Rob goes to the bathroom , when he returns the table is

set, with best china and all manner of goodies.

Rob:I'm sure the teas get better each time I come.

Julie:Well my father said "always feed the worker".

As they eat they talk.

Rob:I can start planting next time , then if you have a mower I

can trim the grass a bit more , the syth has knocked it down

but

to make it real tidy I need a mower.

Julie:I'll see what I can do

Rob:I'll be off now , I'll see you next week.

Hanna:You are always in such a hurry.

Rob:Oh I meant to tell you , I'm going to Stratford this weekend

with my friends , so I'll bring you back a postcard.

JUlie:Ok , we'll just see you out.

Rob:There's no need I'll go through the french Windows.

Rob gets up and takes his helmet off the settee then

leaves.A few moments there is a roar then he's gone.Julie

looks

at Hanna then speaks.

Julie:He's so helpful I don't know what I'd do without him , my

children are so far away in Australia.They'll only comeback for my funeral.

Hanna:You could always visit them , I heard Australia is quite

civilised nowadays.

Julie:I'm too old to go traipsing all over the world , besides I

have vertigo on a stool , never mind up in the clouds.

Hanna:You are a baby , if I could go to Australia I'd go like a

shot.

Julie:In the olden days you would have been sent!

Hanna:Thats no way to talk to your oldest friemd, just for that

I won't help clear the dishes.

Julie:Thank God for that. (SHE WHISPERS)

Hanna:I heard that , I may be blind but only an alstatian has

better hearing than me.

Julie:Thats a comfort , at least I don't have hairs to clear up

too.

With a flourish Julie picks up some of the crockery and

heads for the kitchen.Hanna blows a raspberry as she

leaves the crockery rattles but is not dropped as JUlie

starts to laugh.

Hanna:I think your problem is that you have too much starch in

your knickers

(fadeout or ads are next if this is on itv)

Next scene

Rob roars up on his bike ,the curtain opposite twitches

as usual.Rob gets off and takes a container from the

pannier.He goes to the garden The ladies are waiting ,

Julie is standing by a flymow.Rob goes over to admire

it.Rob:This is new .

Julie:Well it is an investment in the future.

Hanna:Sometimes she thinks she'll live forever.

Julie:I'll live longer than you at any rate.I am younger.

Hanna:Don't forget to mention the three days

Rob:I've brought some parafin , we can burn the pile of grass.

He shows them the container and waves it in the direction of

a mound of cut grass.

Rob:Right If you go inside and hook this up to the power I'll

get cracking.

With a flourish he takes off his leather riding jacket and

throws it and his helmet to one side.Julie takes the

container

and puts it by the French Windows.Hanna follows her

indoors, they Rob starts with the flymo.

Back in the sitting room Julie takes up her position and

watches giving Hanna a commentory.

Julie:Well he's started, he works really fast , the flymo is

gliding like a stone bounced on a still pond

Hanna:Remember when we went to the seaside , I go a pebble to

bounce seven times.

Julie:It was six.

Hanna:OK , six then , your just jealous because you couldn't do

it at all.

She pulls a face at Julie , Julie does not see as she is

looking at Rob and still giving the commentory.

JUlie:He's screaming again as he does it, he's like an African

native.Hanna:Has he finished yet.

Julie:I'd say in another twenty minutes he'll be done.

Hanna:You better had start on the tea.

Julie:Ok I'll start.

Julie leaves the sitting room to start on the tea , Hanna

stays looking out,but not seeing at Rob.In the garden Rob

is going very fast, the stubble from his sything the

previous time is now lawn.After a while he stops to

admire his work.As he is piling all the grass onto the

pile from last time Hanna appears at his elbow.

Hanna:This is nice , very short too.That machine is very good.

Rob:How can you tell, I mean you are blind.

Hanna:I still can feel the ground under my feet.Before you came

the grass touched my knee.When you used the syth it

touched my ankle , now it touches neither and when I rub

my foot on the ground its no more than stubble on a man's

chin.

Rob :You'r amazing.

Hanna:Have you finished then, its time for tea.

Rob looks around him, we see a neat lawned garden with

flower beds , a real transformation.

Rob:I suppose I am.I can do some planting after tea, then I can

light the bonfire before I leave.

Rob takes Hanna's arm then together they go back to the

house.Julie is standing in the window watching.She winks

at Rob before saying.

Julie:I think You may need a chaperone?

Hanna pulls her arm from Rob's.Hanna:Julie you are so so , just so so.

JUlie:Cann't you think of a word then , that's a novelty for

you.

Rob:You two make me blush sometimes.

Hanna:Ignore her , now tell us about your day out in Stratford.

Rob:Well we all rode to Stratford , about fouty of us , some

with sidecars as well.We had a ride around and had a few

laughs then we went for a drink.

Julie:Sounds like a nice day out.

Rob:It was , though it could have got hairy for a finish, but

everything turned out ok.

Hanna:What happened?

Rob:Oh nothing really , just some people don't like bikers.Think

we are all thieves and hooligans.My friends are all old,

I mean one is fourty two.We just like riding bikes , its

not

a crime is it?

Julie:What happened?

Rob:Oh nothing ,the landlord thanked me in fact.How about a

slice more of your cake, did yuou bake it?

Rob obviously does not want to say any more on the matter.

Hanna:What about our postcard?

Rob:I forgot to bring it , I remembered the parafin but not the

card.

Julie:Never mind , next time will do.

Hanna:I remember when me and Hanna and our husbands used to go

on holidays and days out together.

Julie:We haven't bothered to go anywhere in years, its not thesame now since our husbands passed on

Hanna:Julie was describing how you used the flymo , how it

glides and bounces over the grass, it reminds me of a

trip to the seaside.I got stones to bounce on the sea,

one did seven bounces.

Julie:She means six , it was fun , though we'll never see the

seaside again.

Hanna:Nor feel the sea breeze , or hear the donkies.

The ladies look into space remembering bygone days.

Rob:You should go again.

Julie:We are too old.

Hanna:I couldn't go on my own , and in a strange place I'd be

too much for Julie if it was just the two of us.

There's a pause then Rob purses his lips then makes a

sudden decision.

Rob:I could take you.

Julie:You are so kind, but how could you?

Hanna:Surly not on yopur bike?

Rob:We can be in Weston in two hours.

Julie:You are serious , you are not just humouring us.

She puts down her cup and looks intensly at Rob.

Hanna:But how could I go?

Rob:I could borrow a sidecar and connect it to my bike.

Hanna:It would be fun , one last fling before we meet our maker.

Hanna's unseeing eyes look pleadiongly at Julie.

JUlie:I suppose you are daring me , Hanna.

Hanna:Of course, or are you afraid of bikes as well as planes?

Rob:Are you two certain.?JUlie and Hanna:Positive.

They all laugh.They finish their tea, then Rob heads for

the garden.

Rob:What I'll do is start the bonfire , I'll make sure its safe

then I'll go.

Julie:It will be safe?

Hanna:Of course it will.

Rob heads for the pile of cut grass , picking up the

container of parafin on his way.

Julie:That's easy for you to say its not your house that will

burn.

Hanna:Have you no faith in him , after all he's done.

JUlie:I suppose you are right.

They continue watching Rob as he pours parifin on the

grass before setting it alight.Over the road in the

second story flat the woman in pearls is still watching.

Sharon:The overgrown clot is making a bonfire now, I better

close my window, or I'll be smoke logged.

She closes her window , then her phone rings.She picks

the phone up and takes up her position by the window before

answering it.

Sharon:Hello, Miss Lington speaking.

Phone:Hello its Ken here, your nephew

Sharon:Sorry Ken I'm distracted at the moment

Ken:Howcome?

Sharon:There's a bonfire over the road.She has some clot visting

her for the past few weeks , he's tidied up her garden.

Ken:Did you speak to her?Sharon:I did, but she said she loved her house , we can have

first refusal when she dies but not before.

Ken:Any chance of making her change her mind?

Sharon:Not really , she's besoted with her garden and this

horrible biker chap who comes and tidies it for her.

Ken:We could always leave the garden when we develop.

Sharon:If you mean.

Ken:I've an idea.

Sharon:What is it?

Ken:I cann't say yet, bye.

Ken rings off , Sharon looks inquiringly at the phone, then

she puts it down , to look out the window.A piece of ash

flies past , she mutters under her breath.At the bonfire Rob

is satified so he walks back to the house.

Rob:I'll see you on Saturday then, be ready at IOam.

JUlie:You really mean it about taking us to the seaside.

Hanna:Of course he does.

Rob then leaves.He is watched leave by Sharon from her

perch . Who looks from him back to the fire.

Sharon:The overgrown clot leaving the fire unattended , he could

burn

the house down.

She smiles as she finishes her sentence , then looks out

of the window again , this time moving the curtain right back.

Sharon:What a pity the fire is dying down now

The Saturday Morning

Rob arrives , he has a sidecar attached to his bike.He

hoots his horn, the ladies come out.JUlie:Well, in for a penny in for a pound.

Hanna:Where will I be?

Rob:I've got a sidecar plenty of room for you to sit down.

JUlie:Will the riding hats do.

She holds aloft the riding hats which she had been holding

at her side.

Rob:They should do , I've borrowed some leathers for you too.

Rob reaches into the sidecar and brngs out the leathers.

JUlie:Won't my slacks do , I took the precaution of putting them

on?

Rob:You really need these, in case it rains.

JUlie leans against Rob and Hanna and unceremoniously gets

into the leathers.

Rob:I forgot what about Scampi?

Hanna:THe woman over the road is looking after him.

Rob:I think we are ready to go then.

JUlie:Hang on a second.

She goes inside and brings out a basket, which has a small

picnic in it.SHe also has a black handbag , this she places on

top

Julie:Just in case we get peckish on the way.

Hanna is helped into the sidecar then Julie gets on the

bike behind Rob.Then the trio roar off.Over the road the

curtain twitches , Sharon then turns to her guest

saying.

Sharon:Don't you dare chew anything.

Scampi covers from her as she raising her hand to

emphasise her threat.On the open road , Rob rides carefully, Hanna waves

like the Queen when she hears children shout to her.

Rob:Are you two ok back there.

Hanna:This is exciting.

JUlie:Yes its fun , makes me feel young again.

Hanna:Don't hold him too tight , or he won't be able to steer.

JUlie:You are impossible, just because you are blind you think

you can say anything.

Hanna:Its my only luxury.

Hanna smiles like a naughty schoolgirl , sa does Rob ,

Julie just pulls a face.As they ride Hanna comments on

all the different smells.A bakery , a tannery , Indian

restaurants and flowers' scent from parks.After an hour

on the road there is a "snap" then a clanging.Rob

struggles to control the bike he manages to stop, a

lorry just misses them.

Rob:Are you two ok?

He takes off his helmet.

JUlie:What happened?

Rob:The chain snapped.

Hanna:What was the other noise , it soundeed like a lorry?

JUlie:Well your lucky you cann't see it gave me a fright.

Rob:I'll just push you off the road its quite busy here.

Rob dismounts and pushes them onto the narrow pavement out

of the way of traffic. He then inspects the damage.

Rob:I think we were lucky , it broke but did no real damage.So

all we need is a new chain.

Hanna:What are you going to do?Rob:I'll walk up the road there must be a garage nearby.

JUlie:What should we do?

Rob:Eat , I'll be back asap.

Hanna:Thats fine by me , all this excitement hs made me

hungary.

She starts to rummage in the basket , Julie shruggs ,

0 then with a wave Rob leaves.He walks down the road

occasionally stopping to try thumbing.He has no luck.

Hanna and JUlie have eaten all the food ands drunk the

thermos dry when a car pulls up.It has a man his wife

and their two children in it.The man gets out of the

car and walks towards the ladies.

Man:Hello ladies can I help you?

Then he recognises them.

Man:I'm Sgt Jones , I know you two , what are you doing here?

Hanna:Ask to see identification he may be a con man

Jones:Here you are , he shows it to JULIE

JUlie:Its ok Hanna , he's got identification.Besides he as a

luvly wife and two children in his car.

Hanna:In that case tell him why we are here.

Hanna smiles angelically.Then she tidies uop the basket

placing the black bag on top.

JUlie:We are on our way to the seaside , only the chain snapped.

Jones:With your young friend?

Julie:Yes , with Rob do you know him?

Jones:I've seen him several times , he's made a good job of

your garden.

Hanna:He's going to a garage to get help.Jones:You two are ok?

Julie:Yes we just hope he gets back soon thats all.

Jones:I'll be off then .

The sgt leaves waving them goodbye from his car , his

kids wave too.He drives for a few minutes then spots Rob

so he slows and stops.He waves him over.

Sgt JOnes:Rob , get in I'll give you a lift.

Rob:Who are you?

Sgt Jones:I've just met your friends by the bike,

Rob:Thanks a lot , nobody wants to give me a lift I've

tried

thumbing.

Rob gets in the back , he has to lower his head in the

car,the kids are amazed at how big he is.The cars drives

on.

Sgt Jones:You seem to be great friends with the ladies?

Rob:We get along fine.I like them and the house , I do

the

garden for Julie.

Sgt Jones:I know , I've seen it.Its on my beat.

Rob:You a cop?

Sgt Jones:Yes , somebody has to do it.

They drive on is silence , at a garage Rob gets out ,

the kids say "Goodbye Mr Rob".The Sgt drives off Rob

goes in to find a mechanic.

(fADEOUT)

A van with a mechanic and Rob pulls up by the bike.The

ladies sit in the van while the mechanic and Rob fit the chain.When its time to pay Rob reaches into his pocket to discover

he's short.So he and tyhe mechanic walk to the van.

Rob:Sorry to ask Julie , but I wasn't expecting this, so I'm in

a predicament.

Hanna:He's short of money.

Rob:I am .

He lowers his head , ashamed to be asking.

JUlie:Not to worry , besides you have been so kind to us.

Julie takes the black handbag from the food basket, she

opens it.Money bursts out.Taking a oe50 note she hands it to

Rob.

Julie:Is that enough?

Both Rob and the mechanic are amazed and look at one

another.The ladies get out of the van and back on the

bike then the mechanic drives off , with Rob and the

ladies

following, on their way again to the seaside.

Rob:I'll pay you back next week when I get paid.

JUlie:No you won't , its the least I can do after all you've

done.

The rest of the journey is in silence , Julie has a self

satisfied smile on her face , at last she has repaid Rob for his

kindness.At the seaside , Rob has difficulty parking

,eventually he parks where it says strickly no parking.

Rob:Perhaps we'll be lucky and not get a ticket.

Julie:I'll pay the ticket.

Rob:No you won't and I will repay you next week.

Julie:We'll see avbout that.The trio leave the bike and sidecar then head off along the

promenade.The ladies refusing to take their hats off.

Hanna's nose twitches.

Hanna:Candy floss , candy floss. I want a candy floss.

Julie:I cann't see it where?

Hanna:Twenty yards on the left.

Julie:Lets see how good your nose is Fido.

So while Rob takes Hanna's arm Julie strides out twenty

yards.

Julie:I see no candy floss stand.

At that moment two workmen pick up some plaster board

to reveal a candy floss store.Rob and Julie look at each

other in amazement.

Hanna:Does your silence mean , you've finally seen it.

Rob and Julie laugh , Hanna joins in .Then Rob gets three

candy floss.They then set of again.Hanna now has a beard

of floss.

Julie:You have less manners than Scampi , Hanna.

Hanna just puts her tongue out , and eats her beard.

Hanna:Where are the donkies , I want a ride.

Julie:You tell us , you are the blood hound.

Hanna:Blood hound am I , Then I better howl.

JUlie:Don't you dare.

Hanna lets out a howl.

Rob:Beam me up Scottie.

Julie:What does that mean ?

Hanna howls again, people look around at her , thinking she's

drunk.Rob:It means I am embarrassed.

JUlie:Scottie beam me up too.

The blood hound leads then to the donkies, not really a

hard job.Julie's nose twitches now in disgust.

Hanna:Two for the donklies please.

The donkey man looks at Rob and mouthes "Its dangerous she's

blind"

Rob:Its ok , I'll stand on one side by her , you can go on the

other.

The donkey man shruggs his shoulders , the ladies mount

then have a ride.

Hanna:I feel just like John Wayne.

JUlie:Thank God you cann't see yourself

After the ride Hanna is still excited.

Rob:I think we should eat now and perhaps have a few drinks.

Julie:Not too many you are driving.

Rob:Four is my below the breath test limit.

JUlie:Are you sure?

Hanna:He's a big boy , a very big boy it would take a lot to get

him drunk.

The walk along the Prom at one pub they stop , there is a

sign "NO BIKERS", they don't see it , they go in.They sit at

a table .Behind the bar the barmaid sees them.Hanna goes to

the toilet.

Barmaid:I better tell the boss.

She goes into the other bar , the boss returns with her.He

takes a deep breath and comes from behind the bar and heads

forRob.At that moment Hanna returns and Rob helps her sit down

again.The Boss's expression changes.

Boss:Are these two with you?

Hanna:Yes , he's our toy boy.

Boss:Er , Er what can I do for you?

Rob:I was going to go to the bar and order some drinks and some

food.

Boss:There's no need Sir , I'll take an order from you here.

Rob:Well I'll have a pint of bitter.

Hanna:I'll have a Guinness.

Julie:I'll have a port and lemon.

Boss:And to eat?

Rob:Three ploughmens

Boss:Is that all?

Rob:Yes thanks

Hanna:Mine's a pint by the way.

The boss looks astonished.

Hanna:WE're on holoday , just for a day but on holiday , so

mine's a pint.

Boss:Certainly.

The Boss returns to the bar , he returns with the order

personally.

Boss:Do you mind if my daughter come and talks with you?

Rob:No why?

Boss:Well , I'll just send her out.

The boss goes back to the bar and shouts .A teenage girl

comes out and heads for Rob's table.She is blind.She and

Hanna are soon laughing , they have common jokes aboutblindness.The "Boss" looks on , he is happy.He turns to

his barstaff.

Boss:Keep their glasses full , do you hear me?

The staff nod , then he goes into the other bar.

Hanna:And they said "find the donkies" , so I did , I howled

like a blood hound.

Julie:She has no shame.

Hanna:I'm a bit old to have any.

Mary:Do you hate being blind though?

Hanna:At first , its not so bad if you are born blind.

Mary:Like me.

Hanna:Well you have never seen so you don't know what your

missing.

Mary:Thats what my dad says.

Hanna:It is hard when you are young , but you can still have

fun.You can get away with anything when you are blind

Mary:Such as?

Hanna:Well when I was first blind I went into the Gents by

mistake.

Mary and Rob laugh , Julie is disgusted and "tut tuts"

Hanna:They all shouted , I heard the zips closing , one man

screamed.

At this Mary laughed till the tears came down her eyes.

Mary:I'll have to try that.

Another round of drinks comes over.The barmaid goes away

to tell Mary's dad that she's enjoying herself.

Hanna:Is there a bingo hall near , I want to play.

Mary:There's one up the road.Hanna:Come and play bingo with us,

Mary:I'll just tell my dad.

Rob :I'll come with you and settle up.

Mary and Rob go to the bar.

Mary:Dad , dad the lady wants me to go up the road with her to

play bingo.

Boss:Ok , get one of the lads to bring you back.

Mary:Thanks dad.

Rob:How much do I owe you.

Boss:I've been paid already.

Rob:Did Julie pay why my back was turned?

Boss:Er , yes , while you were in the gents.

Rob and Mary go back to the table , Hanna is standing.

Hanna:You can lead, I'll follow.

Mary takes Hanna's arm.

Hanna:No , not that way , we are on holiday.So lets Conga.

Mary:You are silly.

Hanna:Come on , please an old lady.

So Mary let Hanna take her by the waist , Julie and Rob

joined in.The people in the pub thought it a joke and

started to laugh.

Hanna:Don't just laugh , join in.

Mary:Everybody join in.

Boss: So much for the afternoon trade , but its worth it to see

Mary smile.

So the pub crowd joined in.A conga formed , Mary led it

up the road to the bingo hall.People join in, so a

largecrowd entered the empty bingo hall.

Bingo caller:Hello Mary , you come to play?

Mary:My friend Hanna wants to play.

Bingo caller:Everybody sit down for th big game.

He has a full house ready toi play.Several games are

played but Hanna does not win.Rob plays the board for her.

Crowd:Let her win.

Caller:It all luck I cann't fix it , if you lot stop winning then

she might start.

Another game is played, several people win putting there

hand up to shout house only to shake their heads and wave

the

Caller on.Eventually Hanna wins , about ten others have

actually won already but they did not shout out.

Hanna:Bingo , House , I've won.

Caller:Yes you have won.

Hanna:I want a pink elephant.

The caller picks out a blue elephant, he calls to the crowd.

Caller:What has she won .

Crowd:A pink elephant.

Hanna accepts her prize, then to much cheering she leaves

the bingo hall with Rob and Julie.They walk along the Prom.

Rob:I think we better start going home now.

Hanna:Must we?

Julie:I think we should.

Hanna:Oh all right then , it was a good day out.

They walk along the Prom till they find the bike again.There

they see a policeman about to book the bike.Rob goes forwardto

speak with him.

Rob:I'm sorry officer its just that there was no where else to

park.

Pc:Sorry the law is the law.

He reaches into his pocket for his book.At this point a car

emerges from the back of the carpark into the road , it

stops

just by the Pc. It is Sgt Jones and his family.Sgt Jones

calls the Pc. over.He shows the Pc. his warrent card.

Sgt Jones:I know this man , do you see the old lady and the blind

lady

behind him?

The Pc. looks around and sees Julie and Hanna .

Pc:I see them.

Sgt Jones:This man has gone to a lot of trouble to give them a nice

day out.

Pc:I understand.

Sgt Jones:Thanks, next time you are in Birmingham , drop in at J

division , I'll buy you a drink.

Pc:I might just do that.

The Pc. salutes as Sgt Jones drives off.The Pc. turns to

Rob.

Pc:It looks like your lucky day.But be careful in future.

Rob:Yes Sir.

The Pc. watches as Rob and the ladies mount up and drive away.

The journey back is uneventful,Hanna holding her prize with

prideAt Julie's house the ladies get out, then Rob roars off.As he

leaves the Sharon leaves her block and returns Scampi to

Julie.

Sharon:Did you have a nice day out?

Hanna:Yes I did , see my prize a pink elephant.

She shows her blue elephant

Sharon:Wonderful I'm sure.

Julie:Was Scampi any trouble?

Sharon:None at all , we got on great.

She bends to stroke Scampi , who snaps at her , she pulls

away

quickly.Then nodding her head by way of farewell she hurries

away

Julie and Hanna go inside with Scampi barking for joy .

The phone rings as Sharon gets in.Yes graps the phone and

snaps

Sharon:Yes , what do you want!

Ken:It's Ken , your nephew , what rattled your cage?

Sharon:That horrid dog Scampi , Julie and her friend went out for

the

day with that clot on a bike.So I had to mind the dog.It

peed

all over the back of my favourite chair.

Ken:Not the best of days.I rang to say I've arranged for a load

of

manure to be delivered.

Sharon:First the one , now the other.

Ken:For Julie's garden , perhaps we can get around her.Tell herhow

nice the garden is, and it would be great if everybody could

see

it.

Sharon:Which they would if you developed the site.

Ken:Exactly.

The following Monday a lorry arrives with a load of

maure,Julie

comes out when she hears it arrive.

Julie:What do you want?

Driver:I've got a delivery for you, best manure.

Julie:It certainly smells that way.

Driver:Where do you want it?

Julie:I didn't order it.

Sharon comes accross the road to take charge.

Julie:It's a present from my nephew, Ken.

Julie:I suppose it would help the garden along , we haven't

started planting yet.Once we do though things will soon grow

with this.

Julie holds her nose and waves her hands at the load of

manure.Julie and Sharon watch as the manb unloads then

digs in the manure into the beds.The man finishes then

leaves.

Sharon:Your young friend has made a good job.

Julie:Yes he has , he's good company too.

Sharon:It looks nice now , it will be even better once the

plantings done , when things start to bloom.

Julie:Yes it will be almost as good as the old days.Sharon:Its a pity everybody cann't see the garden.

JUlie:I see it and Rob , Hanna sees it in her mind , she can

still smell the flowers when they are in bloom.

Sharon:It would be nice if more people could see it though.

JUlie:I don't see how that could happen.This is not Alton

Towers.

Sharon:A garden like this is a great thing , it should be

shared.

Julie:I still don't see how it can be shared.

Sharon:This really is a precious garden.Now if your house was

developed the garden would stay. And get professional

attention.

Julie:So it was a bribe!

Sharon:Not at all.A token of friendship.

Julie:Friendship to convert my house into flats , or even knock

it and rebuild.

Sharon:You misunderstand.

Julie:All I can say for friendship like yours is- manure.

Sharon:There is no need to get offensive.

JUlie:Now get off my property.

At this point Scampi comes running out of the house and

starts snapping at Sharon.Sharon runs away , Scampi jumps

and tears her dress , he returns with the torn piece and

drops it at Julie's feet.Julie starts to laugh.

Over the road Sharon rings Ken.

Sharon:Ken, I spoke to her.

Ken:Yes , did she like the gift.?

Sharon:At first , then she saw through it.Her blased dog rippedmy dress.

Ken:I'll have to talk with her myself.I'll be in Birmingham in a

couple of weeks.

Sharon:But what about my dress.It was beautiful , I got it in

the Silk Shop .

Ken:I'll get you another.We just have to persuade her ,its worth

a lot of money to me.

A Few Days Later

Rob arrives as usual , Sharon watching as usual.He goes

around the back Julie and Hanna are there to greet him.

Rob:Hello again.

He looks around and notices the manure and some cuttings in

pots.

Rob:Where did you get this stuff from.

Julie:The manure was from a neighbour.

Hanna:It was a bribe.

Rob:A funny sort of bribe if you ask me.

Julie:Lets forget about that.

Rob:What about the cuttings.

Julie:My postman gave some, then the milkman gave me others then

a few neighbours gave the others.

Rob:Do you want me to start planting then.

Julie:If you could.

She takes a photo out of the pocket of her cardigan and

hands it to Rob.

Rob:I'll do me best.Oh by the way I might be able yto get you

some plants,they're changing the stock around at the

hypermarket the boss said I could have any shop soiledstuff.

Julie:That's very kind of him.

Rob:They'll be perfect, if the wrapping is torn a lot then we

are not allowed to sell them.So the boss said I could have

them.

JUlie:You must thank him for me.We will let you get on with it

then .

Hanna and Julie go indoors.Rob starts the planting looking at

photo occasionally for guidance.After two hours he goes

inside for tea....

JUlie:It looks so nice now , and when things grow it will be

great.

Rob:I'll get the plants from work in a week or so,after

they're in it'll be all finished.

Hanna:I just the scents are strong, and that there are some of

those velvet flowers on the roses.

Rob:Really I needn't come any more after that.

JUlie:But you must , I mean we both want you to come.

Hanna:Yes you must.

Rob:If you insist.

There is a faraway look in his eyes.

(fadeout)

Its evening about eight ,Julie is locking up for the night

when there is a knock on her door, she opens the door

a fraction to see who it is.Dusk is falling, in the shadows

she recognises Sharon.So she opens the door wider , behind

Sharon is a man.

Julie:Yes.What do you want at this hour.Sharon:Can we talk.

Julie:I thought we finished talking the other day.

Ken:Please let us talk.

Julie:Come in then.

Sharon and Ken come in , Scampi growls at them.

JUlie:Well what have you to say?

Sharon:I'm sorry about the other day , it was a genuine gesture

of friendship.

Ken:You wouldn't believe how expensive that stuff is.

JUlie:Who is this man?

Ken:I'm Ken Lington.

Sharon:My nephew.

JUlie:So your the organ grinder.

She then looks Sharon in the face.

JUlie:And this is your monkey.

Sharon:There is no need for abuse.

Ken:Ladies , ladies cann't we be civil.

JUlie:You want to take my house, my home.

Sharon:We want to help you.

Ken:Yes help you.

Julie:I don't want your help.

Ken:Think of the money , you can give it to your children .

Sharon:You could even go to visit them in Australia.

Ken:Or even go live there, think of the sun , you could even

buy a nice little place for yourself.

JUlie:No use to me if I loose my friends my home , besides I

have vertigo , i could never fly.

Ken:You could afford to go by the QE2.JUlie:No , I will not sell my home,so you can build battery hen

homes for the old and stupid.

Sharon:Just look at this place its falling down.

Julie:It just needs a little clean.

They all look around at the cobwebs and peeling

paintwork.

Ken:You could stay , you don't have to go to Australia.

Julie:Yes you could have a nice place like mine.

Ken:The pick of the development , and the garden would stay.

Sharon:Everybody could admire your garden then.

JUlie:I may be old but I'm not stupid.You would bulldoze the

garden just like you did to the ones over the road.

Sharon:Your mind is made up then.

Julie:Yes.

Ken:Do we still have first option when you die.

Sharon:When you pass on he means.

Julie:No.I've got other plans in fact I've changed my will.

Sharon and Ken exchange looks.

Sharon:Whats going to happen then?

Julie:I 'm tired I'm going to bed.

JUlie heads up the stairs, stopping by the suit of armour..

Julie:If you could drop the catch as you leave.

Sharon:But what's going to happen.

Ken:You promised us first refusal.

Julie:That is none of your business, goodnight.

Ken races up the stairs to confront Julie , Svampi barks.

Ken:I was depending on this site.

Julie:As they say don't count your chickens before they hatch.Sharon makes her way up the stairs.

Sharon:Julie, my dear be reasonable , this house is much to big

for you.

Ken:I'll give you another oeI0000 , think what you can do with

the money

JUlie:At my age money is not that important.

Ken:You can leave it to your children.

Julie:They have plenty already.

Sharon:You could even leave it to that clot Rob.

Julie:I will be doing just that.

Ken is getting more hot under the collar.

Ken:Yor telling me that clot will get the lot.

He grabs Julie by the shoulder and starts to shake her.

Ken:If I don't close this deal in asix months I could be broke.

JUlie:That's not my concern.

Ken lets her go , then grabs Scampi.

Ken:You wouldn't want yur dog to get hurt would you.

Julie:Don't you dare.

Ken grabs Scampi and starts to strangle him, the dog whines

Julie makes a grab for Scampi but Ken holds him out of her

reach.Julie then grabs the sword from the suit of

armour.Ken passes the dog to Sharon.Sharon is bit and

drops Scampi.Ken struggles with Julie, Scampi bites

Ken.Ken kicks Scampi down stairs.Julie dives to catch

Scampi, Julie falls down stairs , Ken is saved from

falling down by Sharon.Ken and Sharon look down the

stairs at the crumpled body of Julie , obviusly dead.

Ken picks up the dropped sword , he goes down stairsand hits a still twitching Scampi.He then looks back

at Sharon.At that moment there is a roar of a bike.

Sharon:Its that clot , Rob, he's never here at this time.

Ken:Just stay quiet.

The doorbell rings, Ken and Sharon breath heavily as it

rings again.Sharon covers her mouth.Ken looks at the dead

Scampi and Julie.He shakes his head from side to side.

Ken:The stupid bitch (he mutters)

A final ring on the bell,Then a note is pushed through

the door. Rob gets on his bike and goes

to work.Inside Sharon spots the black handbag and picks

it up she walks downstairs and stands by Ken.

Sharon:Did you have to kill the dog.I hated it but did you have to

kill it?

Ken:It was injured, what else could I do?

Sharon:What are we going to do now?

Ken:Improvise.

Sharon:How?

Ken:I'm damned if I'll go to jail for an accident.

Sharon gulps , Ken looks her in the eye.

Ken:If I go you go.

Sharon:But what can we do?

Ken:Well this looks like burglery to me.

He picks up the note , then notices the bag Sharon has.

Ken:What's that?

Sharon:She had it in her hand I just picked it up.

Ken:Open it.

He reads the note as she opens the bag.Sharon:Its full of money , there must be thousands in here.

Ken:The clot is coming back tomorrow, at about 7am with plants..

A smirk comes on his face

Sharon:What are you thinking.

Ken:Well if her bag is missing.

Sharon:Yo're going to frame the clot.

Ken:Have you a better idea?

Sharon:No but , its going a bit far.

Ken:Do you want top go to jail, and do you wnnt this overgrown

shit to get the house and her money , while I go bust.

Sharon:What are you going to do then?

Ken:You can keep the money , but burn your clothes, the police

have some fancy tricks nowadays.

Sharon:But this dress is new,do I have to?

Ken:You can buy ten with the money in there.

Sharon:What about the bag?

Ken:Give me that ,now go back to the flat I'll tell you the

rest later.

Sharon sneaks out and goes to the flat , clutching money

to her breast , we see Ken leaning over Julie....(fadeout)

The next morning Rob arrives and rings the bell.No

answer,he looks up ,her bedroom curtains are open.Over

the road we see somebody dial 999 (its Sharon) .

We see the copper braclet on her arm , no more.

Rob:She must be up her curtains are open , what if she had an

accident

He rings the bell once more then calls out.

Rob:Julie!No answer , just startled pidgeons flying away.

Rob:She could have fallen over Scampi.

He then looks through the letter box.

Rob:Julie!

He kicks the door down.Going foward he discovers that

Julie is dead, as is Scampi.

Rob:Julie,No ! (He screams this)

Outside a police car pulls up.Sgt Jones and Pc.Reed get

out they go inside, Rob is there holding th body.

Rob:She's dead.

Jones:I know Rob.Just put her down and come with us.

Reed:Shall I radio for reinforcemts? ( HE WHISPERS)

Jones:Just come with us Rob we'll sort it all out.

Rob:How did it happen?

Reed:He's asking us? (HE WHISPERS)

Jones:Just come with us , we will sort it all out.

Rob:What about Julie? It will be a shock of Hanna too?

Reed:Who's Hanna (he Whispers)

Jones:Come with ne Rob.

Rob is in deep shock, He puts Julie carfully down then

gets up and goes with Sgt Jones.Pc.Reed radios for an

ambulance and for forensics.

At the Police station Rob is led into an intervew room by

Sgt Jones.Only when he is inside does Rob realise what is

happening.

Rob:I didn't kill her I came around with plants , look on my

bike.

s.Jones:We just want to talk the inspector will be here shortly.The door is locked behind Rob , he starts to bite his

nails.A few minutes later a loud click as the door opens.

The inspector enters with Sgt.Jones as note taker.Rob is

cautioned then the inspector starts.

Ins.Spence:Well Rob can you tell us what happened.

Rob:I found her there dead.I didn't kill her.

Ins Spence:Who said anything about killing?

Rob:Why else would I be asked to come here?

Ins Spence:Just start at the beginning and tell us everything

I've had a long night.

Rob:I came to give Julie some plants, I've been doing her

garden.

Ins Spence:Do you know her long? Or rather did you know the

deceased long.

Rob flinches.The inspector raises an eyebrow at this.

Rob:A few months ,I met Hanna first then Julie , she

asked me to tea, we got talking then I said I'd do her

garden for her.

Ins Spence:Are you in the habit of taking tea with an old

lady,and who is this Hanna?

Sgt Jones:If I may sir?

The inspector nods.

Sgt Jones:Rob helped Hanna, a blind lady cross the road, she was

on her way o visit her friend Julie.

Ins Spence:I see.

Sgt Jones:A friendship developed and Rob has become an

unofficial gardener.

Ins Spence:Thank you Sgt.If we let the accused talk.Rob:That's it , that's what happened.I even took them to

the seaside on my bike.:

Ins Spence:Really?

The inspector looks at Sgt Jones for confirmation,

Sgt Jones nods.

Rob:They both really enjoyed that< the chain on my bike

broke.Sgt Jones gave me a lift to a garage.

Ins Spence:That must have cost a few bob?

Rob:Oh it did, I had to borrow money from Julie.

The policemen exchange glances.

Ins Spence:Did you repay Julie?

Rob:Yes.

Ins Spence:Are you sure?

Rob:I repaid her, she did not want me to but I did,she

said it was the least she could do,after all the work

I had done on the garden.

Rob yarns and wips his eyes.

Ins Spence:Are you tired?

Rob:Yes , I just finished the night shift.

Ins Spence:You came straight from work to see the deceased.

Rob:I had plants for her.

Ins Spence:Did you buy them?

Rob:No (HE'S INTERRUPTED)

Ins Spence:You stole them

Rob:No ,the boss said I could have them ,they are shop

soiled, end of season stuff, you can ask him.

Ins Spence:We will.

Rob:It's hot in here.He takes his leather jacket off to reveal a blood

stained sweatshirt.

Ins Spence:You had an accident.

Rob:The boss cut himself on some packaging ,I had to hold

my hand over the wound.

Ins Spence:Really?

Rob:Yes you can ask him?

Ins Spence:Sgt did the accused have his jacket on or off when you

arrived.

Sgt Jones:On Sir.

Ins Spence:Can you give us your sweatshirt

Rob:Why?

Ins Spence:Just for tests.

Rob looks at Sgt Jones, then reluctantly he takes his

shirt off.

Ins Spence:That's all for now then.

Rob:Can I go home.

Ins Spence:Not just yet.

Rob:But I need to sleep, I have been working all night.

Ins Spence:We'll find you somewhere to sleep.

Sgt Jones:The cells sir?

Ins Spence:Yes.

Rob is led to the cells by Sgt Jones as he is locked up

Rob turns to Sgt Jones .

Rob:I did not kill her, you must know that.

Sgt Jones:The dice are loaded against you.

Rob:What's going to happen?

Sgt Jones:Further enquiries then you will be charged.Rob:But I didn't do it why should I kill her she has been so

kind to me.

Sgt Jones:I think you should get a lawyer, do you know one, there

is legal aid as well.

Rob:A fried of mine works in a solicitors,I could ring him.

Sgt Jones:Give me the number I'll do it for you.

Rob:I think its 785 9428 , his name is Peter Robins, I hope

I don't get him into trouble for ringing at work,

he says that solicitors can be very stuffy.

Sgt Jones:Leave it with me,try and get some rest.

Sgt Jones closes the cell door , shaking his head as he

does so.He has pity for Rob.

( fADE OUT)

At Julie's house, Hanna turns up out of the blue, she

asks the police what's up.Police cars and an ambulance

are there, Hanna looks around unseeing..

Hanna:Why are you all here, where is Julie , she hasn't been

robbed has she?

Pc.Reed:Who are you?

Hanna:I'm her best friend, I had a feeling she needed me so I

came.

Another Pc comes up to Pc.Reed and says.

Pc:I'll go with the body to the morgue.

Hanna:What she's dead!

She faints, Pc.Reed has to catch her.The other Pc.leaves.

Pc.Reed:Sorry you heard it that way.Your friend is dead.

Hanna:But she was so well.

Pc.Reed:I think you've heard enough for now.Hanna:There's more.

Pc.Reed:ER , yes.

Hanna:Tell me ,tell me.

She looks pleadingly at him.

Pc.Reed:If you come with me to the station we can tell you more

there

Hanna:Tell me now.

Pc.Reed:You will hear everything at the station.

Hanna:Rob will be very upset.

The Pc. gulps and looks to heaven as he leads her to a

police car.At the statio she is put in an interview room.

The inspector arrives to speak with her.

Ins Spence:I believe you are the deceased friend.

Hanna:for sixty years.

Ins Spence:Have you been told the nature of her death?

Hanna:No.She didn't trip over anything did she,I always told

her to look where she was going.

Ins Spence:i'm afraid she's been murdered.

Hanna:Oh no, whoever would do such a thing.

Ins Spence:I believe you know a man called Rob Towers?

Hanna:Yes, does he know yet? He will be shocked, he and JUlie

are or were rather good friends , the three of us were.

Ins Spence:I'm afraid This Rob , appears to be the guilty party.

Hanna:No never , he is a god boy!

Ins Spence:Was your friend in the habbit of keeping money in the

house?

Hanna:I suppose I can tell you now.She kept a few thousand in

a black handbag.She said one day she'd fly to Australiato see her children, she had vertigo you know ,afraid

to fly, quite silly really.

Ins Spence:Do you think this Rob would steal?

Hanna:No , never.He didn't even ask for payment for doing the

gardening.

Ins Spence:Tell me more.

Hanna:I met him first , he crossed the road with me one

day.We invited him in for tea , then he offered to do

the garden.

Ins Spence:That was very kind of him.

Hanna:Julie had commented on the garden then he offered to

do it.

Ins Spence:All as simple as that and for free.

Hanna:There still some nice people in the world you know, not

all young people are bad.

The inspector smiles broadly then wiping away the smile

he asks some more questions.

Ins Spence:Do you think Rob would ever ask for a loan?

Hanna:No ,never.When Julie had to lend him money he said

he'd repay it.

Ins Spence:When was this ?

Hanna:When he took us to the sea side on his motorbike.

Ins Spence:So he had to borrow money?

Hanna:The chain broke on his bike.When the mechanic finally

came Rob didn't have enough to pay him so Julie lent

him some money.

Ins Spence:My Sgt. told me something about two old ladies and a

biker going to Weston.Would that have been you?Hanna:Yes of course.

Ins Spence:Really?

The Inspector says this with mock surprize.

Hanna:But if you know this already why ask me?

Ins Spence:Its always best to get it from the horses mouth.

Hanna:I think you should start looking for Julie's killer.

Ins Spence:We have no other suspects.

Hanna:This is rediculous, Rob is innocent.

Ins Spence:I'll be the judge of that.

Hanna:But why do you say its him?

Ins Spence:We had a phone call saying there was a disturbance,when

we arrived Rob was found with your friend.

Hanna:I still don't believe it was him ,He loved the house

and the garden .

Ins Spence:Enough to pull up the plants and pour oil over the

flower beds?

Hanna:Oh thats terrible , he'd never do that.

Ins Spence:He was seen last night.

Hanna:But you said he was there this morning.

Ins Spence:He returned to the scene of crime in the morning.

Hanna:Who saw him?

Ins Spence:I'm afraid I cann't say, I've bent the rules rather a

lot already.If you have anything further to add which

may help your young friend please say so.

Hanna:He did not do it , anybody can see that , even a blind

woman.

Ins Spence:I'll have to leave you now, I'll send a WPc though she

can get you a tea and drive you home when you areready.

The inspector leaves the room he does and talks with

Sgt. Jones

Ins Spence:Can you find the garage mechanic who fixed the chain

for Mr Tower's aand see if he can tell us anything?

Sgt Jones :I've done that already Sir , he remembers everthing,he

couldn't forget such an odd trio.

Ins Spence:And what does he have to say?

Sgt Jones:Only that Rob borrowed money,the deceased had a black

handbag it was stuffed with oe20 notes.

Ins Spence:You have no more information yourself?

Sgt Jones:I don't think he did it.It seems so easy , he need not

have killed her at all.

Ins Spence:He's a big lad and the deceased was no match for

him.Besides the blood on his shirt matches the blood

from the deceased.

Sgt Jones:I tried to ring his boss about having cut himself,it

seems he caught an early fight to Spain for his holidays.

Ins Spence:So it looks open and shut.

Sgt Jones:But why ? He put a lot of work into that garden,if he

did want to steal he had plenty of opportunity over

the months so why now?

Ins Spence:As I see it he saw all the money in the handbag , then

he realised she was loaded so he asked for payment for

all his hard work.She refused , so he messed up the

garden.She could have tried to offer him money to stop

the destruction , but he just carried on taking money

as well.Sgt Jones:Only she got in the way.

Ins Spence:All we have to do now is find the bag with money?

Sgt JOnes:How do you intend doing that?

Ins Spence:By asking Mr Towers.

The inspector does to talk with Rob again.

Ins Spence:Can you tell me anything about a black handbag?

Rob:Julie had one.

Ins Spence:Did you ever look inside this bag.

Rob:No.

Ins Spence:Not ever, even when you were out with the deceased and

her friend.

Rob:I saw her open it the once thats all.

Ins Spence:What was inside?

Rob:Lots of money.

He looks the inspector in the eye.

Rob:You think I killed her for her money.

Ins Spence:Well did you?

Rob:No why should I? She did not judge me on face value .

I loved doing the garden for her, she was a friend.

Ins Spence:If I put it to you that you did like the job , the

company of two ol ladies.However when you discover that

she had money and was not just a poor old lady in a big

house you felt cheated, you felt you should be paid.

So you confronted her , demanding payment, when she

refused you pulled up all the plants and poured oil on

them.

Rob looks angrily at the inspector and starts to stand

but then sits down again.Rob:I did not kill her.I didn't touch any plants , I brought

some more that morning on my bike.Why would I ruin all my

hard work , I loved her and the house and garden.

Ins Spence:I'm not saying it was deliberate , you got angry,after

all if she could afford to pay why shouldn't she.

Rob:Why did I kill the dog then?

Ins Spence:It tried to defend its mistress so you killed it.

Rob:No,NO NO.

Ins Spence:It would be much easier for you in the long run if you

confessed now.Talk to your legal aid solicitor he'll

tell you I'm right.

Rob:I went to hers last night to tell her I'd be getting

some plants.I left a note through her letterbox.Then

this morning when I arrived she did not answer so I

knocked the door down , I found her dead.Then you

arrived .

Ins Spence:You left a note, we found no note.

Rob:I tell you I left a note , so she'd no I'd be coming.

Ins Spence:I'll look into it.But just remember what I saw a

confession now is best in the long run.

The Inspector leaves the interview room and talks to

the Sgt.Also standing at the desk is a clean shaven

man with gold framed glasses, he is wearing an

expensive suit , he has an expensive briefcase too.

Ins Spence:Can you check if there was a note found at the scene of

crime.He says he left a note telling her he'd be

coming.

Sgt Jones:This is Mr Peter Bowler, he says his Mr Towerssolicitor

Ins Spence:You legal aid chaps must be getting paid well.

The inspector looks the solicitor over , admiring the

suit .The solicitor is unsmling.

Mr Bowler:This is not legal aid.Mr Towers is a personal friend.

The inspector and Sgt. exchange looks of disbelief.

Mr Bowler:Perhaps I should explain.I ride a bike when I have free

time.I work as a junior partner for Bodkin and Hemlock.

Ins Spence:But you don't do legal aid work ever.

Mr Bowler:As I said this is not legal aid,I am allowed scope at

the firm.

Ins Spence:I better show you to your client.

As he walks away Sgt Jones smiles before muttering.

Sgt Jones:Talk of the luck of the devil , but you'll need it,Rob.

As Mr bowler is being shown to an interview room Hanna

emerges from another,so she hears the inspector say.

Ins Spence:I'll arrange for Mr Towers to be brought up, if you

could wait in here.

Hanna:What's going on now?

Ins Spence:Your friend has other friends.

The inspector walks off leaving Hanna with Mr Bowler.

Mr Bowler:I'm Peter Bowler , a friend of Rob's ,I am a solicitor.

Hanna:You will help him won't you ,I know he would never hurt

anybody let alone Julie.

Rob is brought up to the interview room by Pc.Reed.He

sees his two friends.

Mr Bowler:Hello Rob.

Rob:Hello Peter , hello HannaMr Bowler:I've come to help you Rob.

Hanna:I'll help too.

Mr Bowler:If we go into the interview room

The Pc goes away as they enter the interview room.

Rob:How can you help me Peter its a solicitor I need.

Mr Bowler:I am a solicitor , I never mentioned it before.

Rob:I just though you worked at a solicitors office.

Mr Bowler:Well I do , but as a solicitor.

Hanna:He sounds like a good man , so listen to him , Rob.

Mr Bowler looks at Hanna , pursing his lips , Rob sees

this and speaks.

Rob:It's ok Peter , Hanna is a good friend.

Mr Bowler:It's most irregular, but, well I have to ask you one

questioon first.

He looks at Hanna as he asks.

Mr Bowler:I have to ask this first, I must.

Rob:Go on.

Mr Bowler:Did you kill Mrs Julie Hickman.

Rob:No.She was a friend , I liked her.

Hanna:I could have told you that.

Mr Bowler:Ok.Now tell me everything from the start.

Rob:Last night on the way to work I stopped to tell Julie I

would be back firt thing in the morning with some

plants.The boss said I could have them for free.

Mr Bowler:What's his name?

Rob:Tony Marks.

Mr Bowler:Will he be at work today?

Rob:Yes, er no.He said he was going to Spain on an earlyflight.

Mr Bowler:It was him who cut himself.

Rob:Yes , quite badly , I got covered in blood.

Mr Bowler:The blood type is the same as Mrs Hickman.

Hanna:I feel sick.

Mr Bowler:Really it would be better if you waited outside.

Hanna:No I'd like to stay, she was my best friend , sixty years

I knew her.

She shakes her head from side to side and plays with her

white stick.

Mr Bowler:It could be a coincidence,but it looks bad.

Hanna:It must be a coincidence, not could be.

Mr Bowler:I have to look at all the posibilities ,thats my job.

Rob:Go on Peter.

Mr Bowler:Do you know which tour operator he was going with?

Rob:Horizon , I think.

Mr Bowler:Ok , I'll have him traced , he'll have to give a blood

sample.

Rob:But that'll be in Spain.

Mr Bowler:I'll get the sample sent back on the late plane,I have a

friend at the hospital she'll test to see the exact

type.It seems the blood on your sweatshirt does match

Mrs Hickman's , however that's in general terms.My

friend can tell us in hours what will take the police

days.

Rob:So she can prove its the boss's blood and not Julie's.

Mr Bowler:Yes.

Hanna:Then he'll be released.Mr Bowler:Hopefully.

Hanna:That still leaves the real killer free.

Mr Bowler:Quite.

Hanna:Who would want to kill her?

Mr Bowler:I was about to ask that question myself.

Rob:I know she loved her garden that's all.

Hanna:She didn't have an enemy in the world.

Mr Bowler:It was probily a theft that went wrong,however due to

the circumstancial evidence Rob will be held until

further blood tests are complete.

Hanna:We may never have tea together again, nor enjoy the

garden.

Hanna shakes her head and sighs.

Rob:Of course we will , won't we Peter?

Rob looks at Peter for reassurance.

Mr Bowler:Well I'll sdo my best.THere's nothing more you can think

of Rob.

Rob:Nothing.

Mr bowler walks to the door , turning suddenly to ask.

Mr Bowler:Did you Robert Bowler kill Mrs Julia Hickman?

Rob looks shocked , Hanna lifts her head and looks with

Unseeing eyes at Rob.

Rob:No. (he shouts)

Mr Bowler:Sorry for doing that Rob , but I have to know.

Hanna:Of course he didn't do it.

Mr Bowler:I know you didn't , now we have to convince the police.

Hanna:Is there anything you need Rob?.

Rob:Just sleep , I haven't had any rest since finishingthe night shift.

Mr Bowler:I better be going then.

Hanna:Can you give me a lift home?

Mr Bowler:Certainly.

Rob:Bye then.

Mr Bowler:See you.

Hanna:It will be ok Rob, just try and get some rest.

Hanna and Mr Bowler leave the interview room,and walk

to the station desk.

Mr Bowler:Sgt , I'm having another blood match done.I'll have a

friend do it tonight.This will prove that the blood on

Mr Towers was in fact from his boss.

Sgt Jones:Rob certainly appears to have friends that count.

Mr Bowler:Well he is innocent.

Sgt Jones:I'm afraid is a bit more complicated, it seems Mr

Towers inherits the majority of Mrs Hickman's estate,we

had a call from Templeton and Co.

Mr Bowler:So even when the blood test comes through , he'll still

be held.

Sgt Jones:Well he does have a reason for killing her.

Hanna:He did not do it , he's a nice boy .

Sgt Jones:Personally I think that too , but in the absence of

anything else to go on then .

Mr Bowler:Quite, well I'll go and see Jimmmy then.

Sgt Jones:Who's that?

Mr Bowler:Mr Templeton to you.

With that Mr Bowler leaves , Hanna at his side, In the

background we see Pc.Reed leading Rob back to the cells.In Mr Bowler's car , Hanna is beside him .

Mr Bowler:Well where to?

Hanna:Could you drive me to Julie's ?

Mr Bowler:I don't think that would be proper ,It would upset you,

besides how would we get in?.

Hanna:I have a spare , Julie had a spare key to my house too.

Mr Bowler:What do you want to do there?

Hanna:Say goodbye.To Julie and the house and the garden.

Mr Bowler:I suppose you insist.

Hanna:I do.You know where it is, the blue house , up the road

from the blind center.There's some new flats for the

elderly opposite.

Mr Bowler:Ok , I'll drive you , but we cann't stay long , I must

see Mr Templeton , for Rob's sake.

Hanna:You needn't stay ,I can catch the bus home aafter I've

been to Julie's.

Mr Bowler:I can stay a while, perhaps you'll have said your

goodbyes by then.

Hanna:Thank you.

Mr Bowler drives on in silence , he looks with pity at

Hanna.When they get to Julie's a curtain flickers over

the road.Mr Bowler notices it.

Mr Bowler:We are being watched from over the road.

Hanna:I would have thought they'd ave seen enough for th day.

Mr Bowler:You are overlooked by the new development.

He sees the sign "Another Lington Development"

Mr Bowler:I see its a Lington development.

Hanna:It's Sharon Lington spying on us no doubt.Mr Bowler:A relative?

Hanna:Its her nephew who built the flats.

As they get out of the car , Hanna heads for the garden

first, Mr Bowler, notices Sharon still watching.He then sees

the

Garden.

Mr Bowler:Rob made a great job of the garden.

Hanna:He did us proud , Juklia was very pleased, she'll only

see it from heaven now.

A silent tear trickles from one eye.

Mr Bowler:I see you have a lot of manure.

Hanna:Sharon's nephew gave it.

Mr Bowler:That was very nice of him.

Hanna:I suppose so.

Hanna walks about the garden stopping every now and

then to breath in.

Hanna:I've had enough of the garden lets go inside.

Mr Bowler:Ok.

He follows as Hanna goes around to the front of the

house then she takes the key fron her pocketa and they

go in.Mr Bowler looks up as they go in , Sharon is

still watching.Hanna leads the way to the sitting

room

Hanna:I just want to sit on the settee and remember how things

used to be.Julie and I waiting , Julie would watch Rob

working and give a commentry.It was such fun ,all so

innocent , so peaceful.

Mr Bowler:It must have been.As they walk Hanna stumbles ,Mr Bowler catches her, he

sees

a watch , so he picks it up.He hands it to Hanna.

Hanna:I remember telling Rob not to slip here, Julie slipped

here too , What's this your giving me?

Mr Bowler:Your watch.

Hanna:I have my watch here.

She shows him her watch and opens it to tell the time.

Hanna:This is a fob watch.

Mr Bowler:It's not Julie's?

Hanna:No.

Mr Bowler:What's it doing here then?

Hanna:Somebody must have dropped it.

Mr Bowler:This could be important we'll have to go back to the

police station.

Hanna:Hurry then.

They hurriedly leave the house and get back into Mr

Bowler's car and drive off for the police station.Over

the road Sharon's curtain twitches again she reaches for

her

phone.He drums her fingers impatiently while she waits

for an answer.

Sharon:Ken I'm worried .

Ken:Why what's happened?

Sharon:Hanna has just came back to the house with a man in a suit,

he must be a detective he had no uniform on , they were

only inside for a moment then they left in a hurry.

Ken:Don't panic , its probably nothing , how can a blind ladycause any trouble.

Sharon:I suppose you are right.

Ken:Did the police come around.

Sharon:Yes how did you know. (SHE IS PANICY)

Ken:Calm down its obvious , they always call at neighbouring

houses when there is a death.

Sharon:I still think its wrong putting the blame on Rob.

Ken:Do you want to go to jail instead?

Sharon:No but I wish there was some other way out.

Ken:Well there isn't so stay calm , and keep your mouth shut.

Sharon:I had to talk to the police this morning though.

Ken:What did you say.

Sharon:Only that I heard him at the house yesterday evening , he

ruined Dallas with all his noise on his bike.

Ken:You didn't admit to calling them. (HE IS ON EDGE)

Sharon:No of course not

Ken:I think everything will be ok for us, I've got to go now.

Sharon:Bye.

Ken:Bye.

Sharon puts down her phone then heads for a cupboard saying

Sharon:Now where did I leave my fob watch.

(fade out)

At the police station Hanna stays in the car while Mr

Bowler hurries inside.To the Pc. at the desk.

Mr Bowler:My name is Mr Bowler I am the defence solicitor for Mr

Rob Towers.I drove Mrs Hanna Gordon to the house of Mrs

Julie Hickman , whose murder you are enquiring into.

Desk Pc:Yes Sir?Mr Bowler:Well I found this there.

He hands over the fob watch.

Mr Bowler:Mrs Gordon tells me it did not belong to the deceased,so

the murder could have left it.

Desk Pc:I'll tell the inspector.

He goes and comes back with the inspector.

Ins Spence:Thank you for providing us with another lead.

Mr Bowler:It will prove that Rob did not dod it. (He'S EXCITED)

Ins Spence:Or he had an acomplice, you do know he benefits from

the will.

Mr Bowler:I'm going to speak to the deceased solicitor right

now.

Ins Spence:As you like Sir.

As Mr Bowler walks off the INspector turns to the PC.

Ins Spence:Everybody thinks they are a policeman , Tv has a lot

to answer for.

Desk Pc:And the watch Sir?

Ins Spence:Send it to forensics.

Mr Bowler drives off , he drops Hanna off then

continues driving till he gets to the solicitors.

At Julie's solicitor Mr Bowler goes in as he is tiding

his desk.

George:Hello Peter.

Mr Bowler:Hello George , I just want to get things straight from

the horse's mouth.

George:Its only bread and butter stuff we do here.

George carries on tiding his desk , he buzzes for his

secretary.He hands her a folder ,she drops it , as MrBowler is smiling at her

George:She used to do that all the time when you used to work

here.

Mr Bowler:I miss it.

Mr Bowler helps her put photos back in the folder , one

catches his eys , so he hold on to it.The caption is

"Lington Dvelopments , Good enough for anybody's Aunty".

George:I'm doing some conveyancing.

Mr Bowler:I went past one today.It's just opposite where Mrs

Hickman was killed.

George looks at the photo too,

George:That's Ken Lington , its his aunt in the picture , a

client is buying one flat.He wanted to buy Mrs

Hickman's house to develop the site.

Mr Bowler:So that was when Mrs Hickman changed her will.

George:Yes , she wanted her garden to go to somebody who would

love it.

Secretary:Can I have the photo back please Peter.

Me Bowler:Oh of course , still open to offers Penny , she

blushes.

Secretary:Subject to contract.

She walks away , suddenly Mr Bowler shouts.

Mr Bowler:Penny ,wait.

He snatches the folder back and looks at the photo.

Mr Bowler:That's it , the very one we found this morning.

He kisses Penny several times.

George:Shall I leave the room?

Mr Bowler:Mrs Hickman has a friend , Hanna Gordon, we went to thehouse this morning so Hanna could say goodbye.We found a

watch I'd swear it was the same one.

George:And If She had turned down a Lington development offer

THen.

Mr Bowler:Lington has more reason to kill than a harmless biker.

George:I can tell you this in confidence, Lington has cash flow

problems , he's practically giving away his flats on his

new site.

Mr Bowler:Can I have this photo?

George:Of course, anything else you want to ask.

Mr Bowler:Only will Penny have dinner with me on friday.

THe secretary nods and with a handshake to George and

another peck to Penny Mr Bowler is off. He bounds up

the police station steps.

Desk Pc:Back already Sir can I help you?

Mr Bowler:The Inspector quick.

The inspector comes again.

Ins Spence:Yes Sir. (He is a little fed up)

Mr Bopwler:I have found the culprit and have proof.

Ins Spence:Do tell me Sir.

Mr Bowler shows the photo.

Ins Spence:Well Sir?

Mr Bowler:The watch she is wearing is the same one as I handed

in.

Ins Spence:Could be a coincidence.

Mr Bowler:Did you know that Ken Lington of Lington Developments

wanted to buy Mrs Hickman's house and he has cash

flow problems.Ins Spence:Wouldn't that mean he couldn't buy any more.

Mr Bowler:Or he needs quick turnover .

Ins Spence:Did we get a statement from this lady.

The inspector points to Sharon in the photo.

Desk Pc:I took it myself sir , she said the noise from the

motor bike disturbed Dallas last night.

Ins Spence:Which matches time of death.

At that moment the cleaner walks by.

Cleaner:It was terrible about Dallas last night , the video

tape bust in the machine and they couldn't fix it.

Ins Spence:What did you say.?

Cleaner:They put bloody David Attenborough on instead , as the

tape bust in the machine , Dallas will be shown the

day after tomorrow.

Desk Pc:She distinctly said she was watching Dallas.

The cleaner walks of cursing "Bloody David

Attenborough"

Ins Spence:Well we have giving a false statement for starters.

Mr Bowler:Do you believe me then.

Ins Spence:Lets say I have an open mind, I suppose you'd like to

come with me?

Mr Bowler:Lets's say I'd like to hear you discuss Dallas with

her.

The Inspector leaves the station with Mr bowler at his

side.At Sharon Lington's from door the inspector

rings.

Ins Spence:Hello , I'm inspector Spence.I want to ask you one

or two more questions.Sharon:You better come in then.

They come inside , they see a suitcase packed.

Sharon:It was most upsetting the death of Mrs Hickman,my

nephew is sending me away on holiday , he's picking me

up soon.

Mr Bowler and the inspector exchange glances.

Ins Spence:This won't take long.Can you remind me of what you said

to my Pc.

Sharon:I was watching Dallas his bike interferes with the tv,I

couldn't hear what was going on .

Ins Spence:That's enough.You did watch all of Dallas.

Sharon:Of course, it is silly but its great entertainment.

Ins Spence:I suppose it is , only it was not on last night.

Sharon fingers her pearls nervously.

Mr Bowler:You wouldn't have the time at all my watch is playing

up.

Sharon looks instinctively at her cardigan where her

watch should be.

Ins Spence:You wouldn't have lost it would you.

Sharon:I appear to have lost it.I had it yesterday.

Ins Spence:Would you like to come to the station with me , I think

you can help with our enquiries.

Sharon:But my nephew is due at any moment ,he rang to say he

had arranged a flight and a hotel , he's coming with me

too.

Ins Spence:I think he will be coming with you -to the station.

At that moment the doorbell rings- its Ken.He sees the

inspector and gulps.Ins Spence:Are you Ken Lington?

Ken:Yes.

Ins Spence:Would you mind coming with me to the station.

Sharon:It was an accident , I didn't do anything , Ken argued

Ken:Shut up you stuck up bitch.

Ken makes a run for it only to be thrown by Mr

Bowler.The inspector then cuffs Ken.And looks at Mr

Bowler smiling.

Ins Spence:You'r a dark horse.

Mr Bowler:Rob and the other bikers always say I'm a weed so I

took up judo.I'm a brown belt now.

Ins Spence:Lets all go to the station then.

At the station Hanna is sitting in a corner as The

Lingtons are led to the cells.

Mr Bowler:What are you doing here?

Hanna:I wanted to be near Rob ,I felt useless sitting at home

Ins Spence:Well your faith has been rewarded , Pc release Mr

Towers

Rob is brought up and he embraces Hanna, tears of joy

stream down her face.Hand in hand they walk out of the

station , with the Inspector and Mr Bowler watching.

The End....Guardian Angel

Email michaelgcasey@hotmail.com

Shoplife (c)

by

Michael Casey

Opening Scene

Two women are standing outside Blair's store.They aretalking while their children pull faces at one another, each woman

also has pushchair.Behind them is Blair's store , it is three

shops knocked into one.The letter "B" from the sign is leaning

back at an angle , the "S" from the word "store" is missing , just

a stain remains forming an "S".

We hear the women talk.

Mrs Adams:Yes they are in trouble you know.The shop over Kingsford

way closed last week .That's three in as many months.

Mrs West:I didn't know that.

WITHOUT BREAKING OFF FROM HER CONVERSATION MRS WEST

SLAPS ONE OF HER CHILDREN WHO IS SPITTING AT A SPIDER.

Mrs West:That's really terrible , I remember my mother and me

having a look around when it opened, we used to live

over that way then.

Mrs Adams:Well its closed now.

THEY BOTH TUT TUT AND DRAG ON THEIR CIGARETTES ,

COUGHING OVER THEIR PUSHCHAIRS.MRS ADAMS THEN SLAPS ONE OF

HER

CHILDREN , WHO HAS TAKEN UP THE SPIDER SPITTING

Mrs West:It's broken old Mr Blair's heart.This shop isn't safe

either.

THEY BOTH TURN AND LOOK AT THE SHOP , SHAKING THEIR

HEADS.TURNING BACK THEY SIMULTANEOUSLY SLAP THEIR KIDS.

WHO HAVE BEEN DOING MORE SPIDER SPITTING

Kids:We haven't done anything!.

Mrs Adams:Well it'll do for another time.

Kids:That's not fair!

Mrs West:It's what your gran said to us when WE were youngMRS ADAMS AND MRS WEST LOOK AT ONE ANOTHER THEN BURST

OUT LAUGHING.BEHIND THEM AN OLD MERCEDES PULLS UP.AN

OLD MAN GETS OUT HELPED BY A MAN IN HIS EARLY FOURTIES.

THE YOUNGER MAN HAS WHITE HAIR.THE WOMAN SPOT THEM

Mrs West:Thats old Mr Blair and his son.

THE WOMEN WAVE AND SHOUT "HELLO MR BLAIR , YOU ALRIGHT"

OLD MR BLAIR WAVES BACK AND THEN WALKS STIFFLY INSIDE

THE SHOP.HIS SON PAUL JUST DASHES IN.

Mrs Adams:I've always liked old Mr Blair , he always has time for

you even if its only just a wave.That Paul is always in

a hurry , he just wants his way straight away.

Mrs West:He is under a lot of pressure you know , I mean he's

trying to save the business.Didn't I tell you that the

big warehouse of theirs is up for sale.My Ron is looking

for a lock up place to run a garage from and he saw an

ad for their warehouse.

Mrs Adams:The things you learn just by reading the papers.

Mrs West:I know why you really don't like Paul Blair.

Mrs Adams:What's that then.

Mrs West:He tried to take advantage of you in a storeroom

once,when you worked for him,you told me the one night

when we were out celebrating a big win at bingo.That's

the night you conceived Jane.The night of the bingo

celebrations , not with Paul I mean.

SHE POINTS TO THE CHILD IN THE PUSH CHAIR , AS SHE

TALKS .BOTH WOMAN LAUGH.

Mrs Adams:We were both young and free then.

Kids:What does conceive mean, mummy?Mrs Adams:Never you mind we must be off home now.

AS THE WOMAN PART MRS WEST SPITS AND SCORES A BULLS EYE

ON THE SPIDER

THE SCENE CHANGES TO INSIDE THE STORE.OLD MR BLAIR IS

TALKING TO ONE OF THE CHECKOUT WOMEN

Mr Blair:Yes things do look black Bernadette.

(Snr)

HE SHAKES HIS HEAD AS HE SAYS THIS , BERNADETTE

SERVES A WOMAN , BERNADETTE IS PAINFULLY POLITE , SHE

REALLY

MEANS IT WHEN SHE SAYS "THANK YOU FOR SHOPPING AT

BLAIRS"

SHE TURNS TO SPEAK TO HIM

Bernadette:Don't upset yourself Mr Blair , everything will be

ok , Paul is doing his best.

OVER HER SHOULDER AT THE BACK OF THE SHOP WE SEE

PAUL TALKING TO TONY THE SHOP MANAGER

Mr Blair:I just feel so old and useless , to think it all

started here 50 years ago .Just me and my wife

Lilly.

HE LOOKS AROUND THE STORE AND SIGHS

Mr Blair:In this very store , we worked night and day , then

when trade picked up we bought the one shop next door

then the shop on the other side.It was Lilly who

thought of knocking the walls through.Then we got a

shop in Quingleton and did the same thing.Buy the

shops on either side and turn it into a larger

shop.Bernadette:Yes ,Mr Blair.

Mr Blair:It was revolutionary in them days , there were no

Indians doing it left right and center.

HE GAZES OUT THE WINDOW , BERNADETTE FOLLOWS HIS

GAZE AND SEES THE INDIAN OPPOSITE TALKING TO

WORKMEN , WHO ARE KNOCKING TWO SHOPS INTO ONE

Mr Blair:I don't hold it against them , they're just doing

the same as I did.

HE SIGHS

Mr Blair:It's just that they seem to have much more energy

than me and Paul.I suppose it would have been

different if I had lots of children to work for

me.

Bernadette:Yes , youv'e only got Paul haven't you.

Mr Blair:Just Paul , Lilly says I worked too hard , we never

have any more.I just wish we did, things would be so

much easier.

Bernadette:Of course.

BERNADETTE TAKES MR BLAIR'S HAND TO COMFORT HIM

Mr Blair:I know one thing anyway , if I ever had a daughter

I'd have loved her to be like you , just like you.

Bernadette:You're making me blush.

MR BLAIR KISSES HER HAND

Mr Blair:I really mean that.

OVER BERNADETTES SHOULDER PAUL IS STILL TALKING TO

TONY.WE MOVE ON TO THEIR CONVERSATION

Paul:I've done my best but I'm afraid its time these were handed

outHE REACHES INTO HIS POCKET AND BRINGS OUT SEVERAL

ENVELOPES

Tony:I thought this would happen for some time.We all did in fact.

Paul:I'm afraid its the best I can do.It's official notification

of closure.In three months it'll be all over.

Tony:It'll be like splitting up a family.I've been here since I

was sixteen.

Paul:You're still young , at 28 I think you'll find a job.

Tony:I'm not worried about that ,besides I've passed my "A"

Levels at night school.It's the girls I worry for.Especially

Bernadette, you know her sons handicapped and she needs the

money from here to buy the extras you always need with a

handicapped child.

Paul:I know , in fact I've done something already.

HE REACHES INSIDE HIS JACKET AND BRINGS OUT ANOTHER

ENVELOPE, ITS A DIFFERENT COLOUR.HE HANDS IT TO TONY

Paul:This is a reference from me and one from my father.Dad was

the chairman of the traders association a few years ago ,so

it should help.Of course you will write a good one as well.

Tony:Of course , and it'll all be true , Bernadette is a "Born

Again Shop Worker".

THEY BOTH SMILE AND LOOK BACK AT BERNADETTE WHO IS DOING HER

EVER SO POLITE STUFF, ALL PLEASE AND THANKYOUS

Paul:If Bill should turn up can you tell him to take the stuff

back to the warehouse.There's no need to keep the shop topped up

any more.

Tony:As bad as that.

Paul:Worse.If its not the Indians it's the bloody super stores allstrangling us for trade.If dad had let me sell this place to

start with then the whole lot could have been saved.But oh

no , we had to keep it for sentimental reasons.If I sold it

before the area went down the drain then with the oe150,000

in cash I could have moved to a better site or even started

a superstore with our own.I wanted to sell half the shops

and have a giant one but dad said no.

HE SIGHS THEN LOOKS BACK AT HIS FATHER STILL TALKING TO

BERNADETTE ABOUT THE OLD DAYS.

Paul:We won't be poor though , we may go into the property

business in Spain.

Tony:At least you'll have the sun and the girls in bikinis over

there.

0Paul:Talking about girls , have you asked Susan out yet?

Tony:Er , er , well , I mean.

Paul:So you haven't.

Tony:Er , er , well she's always going out with people and she's

only 22.

Paul:That's just the right age.

Tony:But she is a bit too , er , er.

Paul:She probably is.

PAUL LAUGHS HARD , IT HELPS HIM FORGET HIM OTHER

PROBLEMS.TONY SQUIRMS.FROM BEHIND THE TINS OF PEAS A GIRL,

A VERY BUSTY GIRL WITH A SMOULDERING SMILE LOOKS TO SEE

WHAT IS HAPPENING.

Tony:She must have heard you.

Paul:Shall I ask her for a date for you.

Tony:No No. (HE HISSES THIS AND LOOKS DOWN)SUSAN LOOKS OVER AGAIN , SHE FIXES HER GAZE ON TONY ,HE

SMILES , SUSAN GIVES A LITTLE WAVE AND TONY BLUSHES.

Paul:I better be off , I've a buyer fixed for the warehouse at

noon.What's that smell by the way?

Tony:Ben is making soup again , it smells great, he's always asking

me to try it.

Paul:I don't like Chinese food myself.Anyway I better be off.

Tony:Bye.

Paul:Yes it will be.

PAUL WALKS AWAY , WE SEE HIM AND HIS FATHER TAKE THEIR

LEAVE.WITH BERNADETTE BEING KISSED GOODBYE BY OLD MR BLAIR.

SUSAN GOES OVER TO PAUL AND ASKES POUTINGLY.

Susan:Did you want anything?

(SHE IS VERY SUGGESTIVE)

Tony:NO. (HE CROAKS IT OUT)

Susan:I'll be behind the peas if you do.

SHE WALKS AWAY TONY BITES HIS LIP AND SHE MURMURS TO

HERSELF "I WISH HE'D HURRY UP AND ASK ME OUT , HE'S THE

ONLY REAL GENTELMAN I'VE EVER MET"

TONY CLEARS HIS THROAT AND SHAKES HIS HEAD TO CLEAR IT ,

THEN HE GOES INTO THE STORE ROOM .IN THE STOREROOM IS

BEN THE CHINESE STOREMAN AND BUTCHER

Tony:Can I have a cup of tea Ben.

Ben:Indian ,Ceylon , China or PG tips.

Tony:Whatever's in the pot will do.

Ben:PG tips , my favourite.

Tony:That'll do nicely.

Ben:You want biscuit.I have custard creams.Tony:Oh that'd be good.

Ben:You want to try my soup?

Tony:Ok , just a bit.

Ben:Here you are then.

BEN PASSES A LADEL WITH SOUP IN IT TO TONY , WHO SIPS

IT.

Tony:Not bad.

Ben:Old recipe of Grandmother.

Tony:Nice.

Ben:You want more?

HE APPROACHES WITH THE LADEL

Tony:Not just now , Ben.

TONY SITS DOWN AT THE TABLE , WHICH IS COVERED IN

NEWSPAPERS , OR RATHER WITH THE "HOROSCOPE" PAGES OF THE

PAPERS

Tony:What do these say then. (HE WAVES HIS HAND AT THEM)

Ben:Not very good day for one star , bad news indeed.

BEN PASSES TONY HIS TEA.

Tony:I know I shouldn't ask but which one is it?

Ben:Virgo.

Tony:What month is that ?

Ben:End August and most of September.When you born , I tell you

your future.

Tony:You just have.

Ben:You Virgo , I always thought you were a Cancer , you move

like man with crabs.

Tony:Pardon.

Ben:You move like crab and you very secretive.Tony:Oh.

Ben:I read you your future.

Tony:You may as well.

BEN CLEARS HIS THROAT AND HAS A SIP OF TEA THEN CLEARS HIS

THROAT AGAIN BEFORE HAVING ANOTHER SIP OF TEA AND CLEARING HIS

THROAT AGAIN BEFORE FINALLY STARTING

Ben:A time of uncertainty in your career.

TONY GROANS

Ben:However don't be unhappy as a new beginning is just around

the corner.In your romantic thirteenth house an unusual

frosty encounter could mean the beginning of a life long

relationship

Tony:I'll fall in love with the woman at the dole office no doubt.

Ben:These never lie , they very good.

Tony:What do the others say?

Ben:They say the same but in different way.

Tony:A completly differnt way no doubt.

Ben:How you know , you read my papers already.

BEN LOOKS ACCUSINGLY AT TONY

Tony:An inspired guess.

Ben:It also say for Virgo that you or a friend will win a

fortune.

Tony:I'll ring my stock broker immediately .

Ben:You no take the china tea.

Tony:Of course not , of course not.

Ben:Why you come in my storeroom anyhow?

Tony:I need to have a calming drink of tea before I give out

these.TONY TAKES OUT THE ENVELOPES AND GIVES BEN ONE

Ben:It not my birthday for another week.

Tony:It's the sack.Or rather the sack in 3 months time.

Ben:Your fortune was right then.

Tony:Yes, for all of us.

Ben:You my family here , I miss you when sack comes.

Tony:I'm sorry .I better go and tell the Girls now.If you have any

questions just ask.

TONY SLOWLY AND SADLY GETS UP AND IS AT THE DOOR WHEN BEN

ASKS

Ben:Is it called sack because you put all your things in a sack

when you leave?

Tony:Yes Ben.

TONY TAKES A DEEP BREATH BEFORE OPENING THE DOOR FROM THE

STOREROOM TO THE SHOP.HE WALKS TO THE FRONT BY THE CASH DESKS

HE CLAPS HIS HANDS,GERTIE THE FAT SUPERVISOR LOOKS UP.

Gertie:What do you want?.

Tony:Get the girls to gather around.

AS THEY GATHER AROUNG TONY TAKES THE ENVELOPES FROM HIS

POCKET

Gertie:He's going to do a conjuring trick.

THE GIRLS ALL LAUGH

Tony:I wish I was.

Gertie:What is it then.

WE LOOK AT THE GIRLS FACES ONE BY ONE , ALL TENSE

Tony:Mr Blair was here this morning , he left these.

HE HOLDS UP THE ENVELOPES LIKE CHAMERLAIN DID

Jenny:What are they.Gertie:It's the sack.

A GASP FROM THE GIRLS

Tony:Notice of closure to be exact.

Gertie:But still the sack.

Tony:We still have 3 months.

Bernadette:Yes , the sack.What am I going to do , I need this

job ,

well any job, to buy things for my son.

Gertie:Yes , what about Bernadette?

Tony:I have a personal refernece from Mr Blair Snr and one from

Paul , I will of course write one myself ,so I'm sure

she'll get fixed up .

Bernadette:Do you think I'll get another job?

Tony:Of course you will , all of you will.You'll all get good

references.

Gertie:Well if that's the case we may as well be happy till the

end ,besides being sad gives you wrinkles ,I don't want to

ruin my looks with them.

TONY LOOKS HER UP AND DOWN AND LAUGHS , GERTIE MUST BE

17 STONES AT LEAST. EVERYBODY LAUGHS.

Tony:We'll all remember you Gertie , always.Oh Jenny can you

tell Ben to tell Bill to take the lorry back to the

warehouse, no need to fill the storeroom up any more.

Jenny:Yes,I'll do that.

JENNY HEADS fOR THE STORE ROOM

Gertie:I'm not doing to forgive you for doubting my beauty.

Tony:So what are you going to do about it?

Lorraine:Let's get his trousers off.June:Yes lets do that ,I've always said he had a nice bum , lets

have a look

Bernadette:I think that would be a bit much.

BERNADETTE FRETS LIKE MAVIS FROM CORONATION STREET AS GERTIE

LORRAINE AND JUNE EDGE TOWARDS TONY , OTHER GIRLS LOOK ON

Tony:Come on Gertie , ladies, it was only a joke ,I mean you all

laughed

not just me.

June:I still want to see your bum , it's our last chance.

TONY EDGES AWAY , HE LOOKS SUSAN IN THE EYE HOPING FOR

SYMPATHY

SHE JUST SMILES .TONY SMILES BACK , A SPARK HAS GONE BETWEEN

THEM

THE GIRLS MISTAKE THIS AS A COME ON SIGN , A GESTURE OF

DEFIANCE

Gertie:See, he's smiling , he wants us to have his trousers off , see

him

smile he's a teaser.Come on girls.

Tony:Cann't we talk , this is silly.

Gertie:We know it is , but we still want to see you in your Y fronts.

June:What can he do, sack us?

Lorraine:Yes , it doesn't matter now.

TONY STARTS TO WALK BRISKLY AWAY , THE GIRLS FOLLOW , TONY

BREAKS

INTO A RUN THE GIRLS FOLLOW.UP AND DOWN THE ISLES THEY GO ,

WITH

THE TINS OF PEAS AND BEANS GOING EVEYWHERE.THE GIRLS TRAIL

BEHINDGERTIE CANNOT KEEP UP SO SHE STOPS .TONY INCREASES THE GAP

BETWEEN

HIMSELF AND THE GIRLS , HE LOOKS BACK AS HE RUNS , HE SMILES

,HE

THEN RUNS INTO GERTIE.SHE GRAPLES HIM TO THE GROUND

Gertie:Come on get his trousers off.

Tony:Help , help , Ben , Susan , anybody help.

HIS TROUSERS COME OFF, HIS Y FRONTS SLIP , TO REVEAL HIS

BARE BUM

TONY HURRIEDLY PULL THEM BACK UP

June:That's a nice bum , as good as my second husband's bum.

Lorraine:Much better than any of those in the "Sun".

Tony:The cheek of you lot and call yourself Ladies.

Gertie:It's all your cheek.

THE GIRLS ALL COLLAPSE IN LAUGHTER AS TONY HURRIES AWAY

TRYING

TO LOOK DIGNIFIED WITH HIS CLIPBOARD STILL IN ONE HAND , HE

HEADS FOR THE STOREROOM , BEN IS LOOKING OUT STANDING IN THE

DOORWAY

Ben:Why you no wearing trousers boss?

Tony:You tell me , you are the prophet after all .

THE GIRLS WATCH THE "BOTBEN" DISAPPEAR , FRAMING IT FOR

PHOTOS

WITH THEIR HANDS AND LAUGHING LOUDLY.

Susan:Shall I give him his trousers back?

Gertie:Not now , let him wait , it'll do him good.

June:Did you hear him ask Susan for help , their must be a reason

forthat.

Lorraine:And the look he gave her.Perhaps there's been something

going on

that we don't know about.

June:Come on tell us .

Susan:Don't be ridiculous.

SHE REACHES FOR THE TROUSERS IN GERTIE'S HAND

Gertie:Here are then you can have the trousers , but don't give them

back

for a little while then.

SUSAN TAKES THEM AND HEADS BACK FOR THE TINS OF PEAS.

Susan:I'll tidy up a bit then.

June:Crawler.

WHEN SHE'S OUT OF EARSHOT THE GIRLS TALK ABOUT HER

Lorraine:The look he gave her was a secret look if ever I sawe one.

June:I bet he's on her list

Gertie:A very long list that must be.

THEY ALL LOOK AT HER HEADING DOWN THE ISLES

Lorraine:I think she's a bit of a slag .

Bernadette:That's not a nice thing to say

June:I bet its true though

Gertie:She is a bit bow legged.

THEY WINK AT EACH OTHER

(Fade Out)

WE SEE TONY AND BEN fINISHING TEA

Tony:They'll kill me before they finish , so they will.

Ben:But why you have no trousers.

Tony:The Girls are ioroning them for me.Ben:Really (HE LOOKS SURPRISES AND BELIEVING)

Tony:Did Jenny give you a message for Bill.

Ben:She say she give it to Bill herself.

Tony:No doubt she will , no doubt she will.

Ben:She like Bill very much.It always funny to me that she help Bill

every time he come.Even when one one box of cornflakes

delivbered.

Tony:And they take such a long time.

Ben:Yes you right , me say that now , only you say first.

Tony:Well Bill has been hit too , this is his last port of call,and

Jenny

his last girl.A girl in every port was Bill , it was a wonder

he had

the strength to do any work.Ten shops we had , ten.

Ben:What mean girl in evry port , me no understand.

TONY SMILES AND CHUCKLES BEFORE ANSWERING

Tony:Bill had a girl to help him in every shop , and we had ten

shops.

Ben:He take long time at other shops too.

Tony:I'd imagine so , I'd imagine so.

OUTSIDE A LARGE LORRY WITH A GOODS LIFT AT THE BACK.THE DOORS

OPEN

A SMALL BALDING MAN WITH MEXICAN MOUSTACHE AND ONE EARRING

OPENS

THE DOORS AND GIVES JENNY A LINGERING KISS , JENNY HAS ONE

PACKET

OF CORNFLAKES IN HER HAND AS THE LIFT GOES DOWN THEY KISS ,

BILLIS LEFT STANDING AT THE BACK OF THE LORRY SHE IS AT GROUND

LEVEL.

SHE WALKS AWAY AND STOPS AND WAVES , SHE IS DOING UP HER

UNIFORM

BUTTONS.IN HER HAND IS ONE BOX OF FARLEY'S RUSKS , BILL SHOUTS

AFTER

HER

Bill:Don't forget your hanky.

AS JENNY TURNS A PAIR OF UNDIES HITS HER IN THE FACE , SHE

BLUSHES

AS SHE PUTS HER IN HER POCKET.BEN IS WATCHING FROM LOADING BAY

BACK IN THE STOREROOM SUSAN COMES IN AND HAND TONY HIS TROUSERS

Susan:Here you are , it was not my idea you know

Tony:Well so long as it doesn't happen again.

THEY EXCHANGE GLANCES THEY BOTH OPEN THEIR MOUTHS TO SPEAK BUT

DON'T

SUSAN GOES AWAY . BEN COMES BACK INTO THE STOREROOM FROM THE

LOADING

HE IS SCRATCHING HIS HEAD

Ben:I see Bill giving Jenny a hanky , she must have cold .Why it take

so

long for them to unload , when its only one box of cerial?

Tony:Bill has to be careful with his back

BEN RAISES HIS EYSBROWS

Ben:Really , I not know that before .

BEN PICKS UP A BROOM AND GOES OUT OF THE STOREROOM.JENNY COMES

IN

FROM THE LOADING BAY THEN RUSHES THROUGH THE STOREROOM AND INTOTHE

SHOP AGAIN.A FEW MOMENTS LATER BILL COMES IN, AND SITS DOWN

Bill:Where's Ben ,I hoped he'd make me a tea before I took the stuff

back

to the warehouse.

Tony:There should be some in the pot.

Bill:Is it China tea.

Tony:No , his favourite PG tips.

Bill:I'll have a coffee then.

BILL MAKES HIMSELF A COFFEE AND SITS DOWN AGAIN , HE STARTS TO

TALK

AS HE MAKES THE COFFEE

Bill:Things just won't be the same now with Blairs closing.

Tony:But surly you'll get a job.

Bill:Of course I will , I can drive anything , HGV Class 1 I am.

BILL TAKES A SIP Of COffEE AND REACHES FOR A BISCUIT

Bill:No its the perks I'll miss.

TONY LOOKS PUZZLED FOR A SECOND

Bill:PERKS!

Tony:Oh I get you.

Bill:Jenny has always been my favourite , though Susan is a

knockout ,but

she's always been distant with me.

TONY LOOKS RELIEVED

Bill:Ten shops Blairs had , and I had a girl to help me unload in

every

shop

Tony:Really?TONY IS TRYING TO HIDE A MIXTURE OF ENVY AND DISGUST

Bill:Mandy was one of the best , over at Quingelton , not very

attractive

HE TAKES OUT HIS fALSE TEETH ASND SUCKS THEM TONY IS SHOCKED

Bill:but she made a great sandwich which we shared afterwards.

BILL NOTICES TONY STARING

Bill:Not many people know I have these.

HE HOLDS THEM UNDER TONY'S NOSE SO HE CAN SEE THEM

Tony:Thanks.

HE CRINGES

Bill:Then there was Jane , she had such a smile , and a tongue

HE PUTS HIS TEETH BACK IN

Bill:Then there was Mary , she had this birthmark

HE WINKS AT TONY

Bill:Debbie was special , she always had a present for me on my

birthday

Tony:No doubt you'll miss them all.

Bill:It will be a strain you knopw , a wrench after all these years.

BILL LOOKS IN HIS POCKETS FOR A HANKY , HE CANNOT FIND ONE.

Bill:You cann't lend me your hanky can you?

Tony:No! But there are some Kleenex in the shop.

Bill:It doesn't matter that much.

SO HE LEANS BACK ON HIS CHAIR AND BLOWS HIS NOSE ON A TEA CLOTH.

Bill:Yes its a terrible thing Blairs closing down ,The girls all

cried

at the other shops when I saw them for the last time

Tony:Er , well , but , what I mean to say is how , is that...

BILL BUTTS INBill:Why am I so sexy.

TONY IS SPEECHLESS FOR A SECOND AS HE STARES AT THE BALDING POT

BELLIED UNSHAVEN MAN IN FRONT OF HIM , BILL HAS AN EAR RING IN

ONE

EAR TOO , SUNGLASSES IN HIS TORN SHIRY POCKET.

Bill:I just my personality isn't it.

BIll GETS UP FROM THE TABLE AND FARTS

Bill:Was that you?

Tony:NO !

Bill:It must have been me then.I better be off , I've got to buy the

wife

an anniversary present. its the girlfriends bithday too.See you.

Tony:See you . (HE SAYS LIMPLY)

TONY SHAKES HIS HEAD fROM SIDE TO SIDE IN DISBELIEF

Tony:He's a one man population explosion , and I cann't even ask

Susan out

fADEOUT

AT THE DAIRY COUNTER LORRAINE HAS HER PERSONAL STEREO ON

Lorraine:What cheese shall I try first I like the Brie , but the

Rochefort

is very good.

LORRAINE'S FACE IS COVERED IN SPOTS , A RESULT OF TOO MUCH

CHEESE

EATING.CAREFLLY SHE TAKES A PORTION OFF ONE CHEESE WITH A

KNIFE

SHE TAKES FROM HER OVERALL POCKET.THEN REACHING UNDER THE

COUNTER

SHE GETS SOME "TESCO'S OWN BRAND CHEESE MATES BISCUITS" OUT OFHER

BAG.THEN SHE CLOSES HER EYES AND EATS THE CHEESE ON THE

BISCUIT

A CUSBENER APPEARS DRESSED IN PEARLS AND TWEED

Customer:Well , that must be good judging by the look on your face.

LORRAINE OPENS HER EYES AND IS SLICHTLY SHOCKED

Lorraine:Well er yes it was.Can I her you Madame

Customer:I'm having a wine and cheese party , what cheese do you

recommend

Lorraine:Well I always like Brie , then there's Edam of course and

the

Rochefort is always a nice one.And if you want a nice

English one

then I 'd say the Red Leicester cann't be beaten

THE CUSTOMER LOOKS SUITABLE IMPRESSED .LORRAINE KNOWS ABOUT

CHEESE BUT SHE IS OTHERWISE AS THICK AS TWO SHORT PLANKS

Customer:Well if you make me up a selection of those , say 12 ounces

of

each.

LORRAINE LOOKS DOWN AT THE DISPLAY , OVER TWENTY CHEESES

ARE THERE

Lorraine:12 ounnces times twenty?

Customer:Yes , the management are coming over.

Lorraine:Sounds nice.

Customer:Yes it is.Its to celebrate a new expansion at the

Hypermarket.

LORRAINE's FACE DROPS.

Customer:Have I said anything wrong?Lorraine:The store's closing after 50 years and partly because of the

Hypermarket .

Customer:Oh I am sorry , but that's life.

LORRAINE FINISHES THE ORDER

Customer:I'll have a word with my husband over the phone perhaps

there is

something he can do

SHE IS CONCERNED FOR LORRAINE

Lorraine:It would be really great if you could do that.

Customer:I cann't promise but I'll do my best

Lorraine:Anything else?

Customer:Do you have any of those biscuits to go with cheese, you

know

the kind I mean.

LORRAINE MOVES SLIGHTLY TO ONE SIDE SO THE CUSBENER CANN'T

SEE

HER PICKINGS AND HER OWN BISCUITS BEHIND HER

Lorraine:Actually the one's we have don't do justice to the cheese

Customer:You're a true connoiseur.

Lorraine:Er yes.

Customer:That'll be all then.

THE CUSBENER PAYS , THEN WITH A TWIRL OF HER TWEED SKIRT

AND HER

PEARLS BOBBING UP AND DOWN SHE GOES AWAY.LORRAINE REACHES

BEHIND

AND PICKS UP HER CHEESE AND BISUIT

Lorraine:Stupid Cow , came in here to gloat she did , its her husband

whois putting us out of work.

LORRAINE HELPS HERSELF TO SOME MORE CHEESE

Lprraine:I wonder what "connoiseur is ? I'll ask Jane when she comes

in.

LORRAINE FINISHES HER SNACK THEN LOOKS AT HER REFLECTION

IN THE

BACON SLICER

Lorraine:My spots aren't getting any better.

LORRAINE TILTS HER HEAD ONE WAY THEN ANOTHER TO GET A

BETTER

LOOK

Lorraine:I'll have to put some ointment on.

SHE REACHES UNDER THE COUNTER AND BRINGS OUT HER BAG , SHE

LOOKS

FOR AND FINDS HER OINTMENT.THEN SHE PUTS IT ON HER FACE

WHILE

LOOKING AT HER REFLECTION IN THE BACON SLICER

Lorraine:I wonder if the cheese has anything to do with spots

AT THAT MOMENT ANOTHER CUSBENER APPEARS , SHE SEES LORRAINE

WITH

THE OINTMENT , LORRAINE THINKS FAST AND STARTS RUBBING IT ON

THE

THE BACON SLICER

Lorraine:It's a vegetable based lubricant , for the bacon slicer

Woman:Really?

THE WOMAN LOOKS SURPRISED BUT BELIEVES LORRIANE

Lorraine:What can I do for you?

Woman:I'll have some ham please , 8 ounzes.LORRAINE GULPS AND SLIPS THE OINTMENT INTO HER OVERALL

POCKET

Lorraine:Off the bone?

SHE REACHES FOR THE CARVING KNIFE HOPING ITS OFF THE BONE

Woman:No , the cheaper one , sliced please.

LORRAINE GULPS AGAIN

Lorraine:Certainly Madame.

THE WOMAN IS WATCHING CLOSELY SO LORRIANE CANNOT RUB THE

OINTMENT

OFF

Lorraine:80P , is that ok?

Woman:Yes , it looks luvly.

THE WOMAN TEARS A PIECE OFF AND EATS IT , LORRAINE CLOSES

HER

EYES

Woman:This is really nice , here you try some

SHE OfFERS IT TO LORRAINE

Woman:A little tangy , but nice.Are you sure you won't try some?

Lorraine:No thanks.

Woman:You must be sick of food surrounded by it all day , I

suppose

Lorraine:Anything else?

Woman:No.Er on second thoughts I'll have another 8 ounzes of the

ham,

it is really good , it has an after taste even better than

the

one when you eat it.Are you sure you won't try a bit.

Lorraine:I'm on a diet.Woman:Here's oe2.

Lorraine:40p change.

Woman:Bye

Lorraine:Bye

AS THE WOMAN GOES AWAY LORRAINE HURRIEDLY CLEANS THE BACON

SLICER

THEN SHE HOLDS THE OINTMENT TO HER NOSE AND SNIFfS , SHE

PUTS

SOME ON HER FINGER AND DITHERS AS TO TASTE IT OR NOT ,IN

THEN END

SHE GOES "UGH" AND DOES NOT.IN THE BACKGROUND THE CUSBENER

IS

PECKING AT THE HAM AS SHE LEAVES THE STORE. TONY WALKS BY

AND

SHE LORRAINE WATCHING THE WOMAN

Tony:Is everything ok?

Lorraine:Yes.

TONY LOOKS AT THE WOMAN AND THEN LORRAINE , THEN WITH A

PUZZLED

LOOK ON HIS FACE HE WALKS AWAY. LORRAINE BURSTS OUT

LAUGHING AS

TONY WALKS AWAY. SO TONY CHECKS HIS FLIES AND HIS BACKSIDE.

Tony:I hope they didn't rip my trousers. (AS HE CHECKS HIMSELf)

Fade Out

BIG GERTIE IS AT THE CHECKOUT SERVING WHEN A DRUNK

COMES IN

HE DISAPPEARS fOR A MOMENT THEN RETURNS TO THE CHECKOUT

WITHONE TIN OF BEANS , HE PAYS FOR THESE THEN LEAVES , HIS

JACKET

FLAPS OPEN TO REVEAL A BOTTLE OF JOHNIE WALKER.IN THE

INSIDE

POCKET.GERTIE CARRIES ON SERVING , A CROWD IS FORMING

LORRAINE COMEWS RUSHING TO THE CHECKOUT FROM THE BACK

Lorraine:Did that man pay for the Johnie Walker , I saw him put it in

his

pocket.

Gertie:No.I didn't see any whiskey.

Lorraine:Well I did and he put it in his inside pocket

GERTIE LOOKS OUTSIDE AND SEES THE MAN STAGGERING AWAY

Lorraine:Shall I go after him?

Gertie:No leave this to me , it's my responsibility , I'm

supervisor

Lorraine:What shall I do?

Gertie:Serve these people.

GERTIE EDGES OUT FROM BEHIND THE CHECKOUT , HER 17 STONE

PLUS

FRAME IS ALMOST WEDGED THERE.LORRAINE TAKES HER PLACE , THE

CUSBENERS DON'T WANT TO BE SERVED THEY WANT TO SEE WHAT WILL

HAPPEN.SO LORRAINE AND THE CUSBENERS WATCH GERTIE.

GERTIE WADDLES AFTER THE DRUNK , SWINGING HER LEGS FROM THE

HIP

AS FAT PEOPLE DO

IN THE STREET

Gertie:You come here! Stop Theif!

AN OLD MAN IN THE STREET JUMPS WITH FRIGHT , A BABY IN APUSH

CHAIR STARTS TO CRY. THE DRUNK LOOKS OVER HIS SHOULDR THEN

SPEEDS UP , TO AVOID GERTIE IF HE CAN.

Gertie:Stop Thief!

AGAIN THE WHOLE STREET IS FRIGHTENED , THE DRUNK SPEEDS UP

SO DOES GERTIE. SHE HAS TO JUGGLE HER BUSSOM AS SHE TRIES

TO

CATCH UP.

THE DRUNK BUMPS INTO SOMEBODY THEN MOVES ON , GERTIE IS

CLOSING

THE DRUNK LOOKS OVER HIS SHOULDER , THEN BUMPS INTO A

TREE ,

GERTIE HAS A TRICKLE OF SWEAT ROLL DOWN HER FACE AND NECK

SHE TAKES A DEEP BREATH THEN LUNGES

17 STONES PLUS LAND ON THE DRUNK , THE DRUNK LANDS WITHOUT

BREAKING THE BOTTLE , AN ABILITY ALL DRUNKS HAVE.

Gertie:Just because I'm a defenceless woman you think you can take

advantage of me.

THE WHOLE STREET IS WATCHING NOW , THE CUSBENER AND

LORRAINE

HAVE MOVED OUT OF THE SHOP TO WATCH

Gertie:You men are all the same you take take take.Men you can keep

them,

I saw.

SHE SNATCHES BACK THE BOTTLE , BEFORE GETTING UP AND

STANDING

ON THE DRUNK AGAIN. THE DRUNKS MOANS BUT DOES NOT MOVE AT

ALLGertie:But you'r not taking this.

SHE IS TRIUMPHANT , THE STREET APPLAUDES , THE BABY IS

STILL

CRYING IN THE BACKGROUND , ITS MOTHER GIVES GERTIE A STARE

AS SHE PASSES.GERTIE ENTERS THE STORE TO APPLAUSE.

SHE CARRIES THE BOTTLE ARROUND LIKE AN OLYMPIC TORCH AND

PUTS

IT BACK ON THE SHELF , THEN EDGES BACK BEHIND THE TILL.

Gertie:Next paying customer please!

EVERYBODY LAUGHS

Customer:Well done Gertie.

OTHER CUSBENERS SAY THE SAME , GERTIE IS HEAVING AND

"GLOWING

LORRAINE COMES AND SPRAYS HER WITH "BODY MIST" BEFORE

PUTTING IT

BACK ON THE SHELF.AS GERTIE SERVES SHE DROPS SOMEBODIES

CHANGE

SHE BENDS DOWN AND PICKS IT UP.AS SHE GETS UP A LARGE ,AND

FAT

MAN APPEARS , HE WATCHES HER GET UP.

HE LOOKS AT THE TRICKLE OF SWEAT ON HER BREAST , AS SHE

RAISES

HER HEAD HE LOOKS INTO HER EYES , GERTIE KNOWS WHAT HE'S

BEEN

LOOKING AT , BUT SMILES NONE THE LESS

ITS LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT.

GERTIE PRETENDS TO SLIP , A STRONG HAND HELPS HER UP ,AND

HOLDSON A BIT LONGER THAN NEED BE.

Gertie:Thank you ,I'm a bit tired , I had to deal with a shoplifter.

Keith:They can be trouble at times.

HE SMILES AT HER , GERTIE'S EYES OPEN WIDER , ITS LOVE.

Gertie:Your Keith aren't you?

Keith:Yes.Do you want any health food products.

HE SHOWS HIS CASE

Gertie:We could both do with those.

THEY BOTH LAUGH , ONLY THEY EXIST , JUST THEM , ITS LOVE

Gertie:I'm afraid you had a wasted journey , the store's closing

Keith:So you won't be seeing me anymore.

Gertie:Fraid so (SHE SIGHS)

Keith:I may as well go then.

HE TURNS TO GO , AT THE DOOR HE TURNS AND LOOKS AT HER

HE HALF OPENS HIS MOUTH , GERTIE COCKS AN EAR , HE TURNS

AWAY TO LEAVE.GERTIE LOOKS SAD , THEN WITH A LOOK OF

DETERMINATION AND HOPE SHE SAWS

Gertie:We should really have a drink to saw goodbye , after all

you've

been coming here a few months.

KEITH TURNS BACK

Keith:Yes , I was thinking of that.

Gertie:We could meet at eight , outside . (SHE's HOPING)

Keith:Yes at eight then.

GERTIE GETS OUT FROM BEHIND THE TILL AND STANDS BY HIM , HE

IS

NOTICEABLY TALLER THAN HER.THEY LOOK LIKE TWO TOBY JUGS ,

ON IMPULSE KEITH BENDS DOWN AND GIVES HER A PECK.GERTIE IN RETURN GRABS HIM , AND GIVES HIM A REAL SMACKER.

SO A LITTLE SHOCKED , BUT WITH A HUGH SMILE KEITH LEAVES.

GERTIE WAVES HIM OFF, STANDING IN THE DOORWAY

WE SEE HIM WAVING THEN TOOT EIGHT TIMES , FOR THE TIME THEY

WILL

MEET.

IT STARTS TO RAIN , THIS RAIN IS THE GOOD SAMARITAN THAT

REVIVES

THE WOODBE SHOPLIFTER , AS HE GETS UP , STILL STUNNED, WE

SEE

GERTIE GO BACK IN THE SHOP.

(FADEOUT)

THE NEXT DAY .....A CUSBENER IS BEING SERVED BY GERTIE

Gertie:You'll have to go somewhere else for your butter Mrs

Harvey.

Mrs Harvey:Why's that.

Gerie:The shops closing in three months time , we all got a

letter

yesterday.Here look.

GERTIE REACHES INTO HER POCKET AND SHOWS MRS HARVEY THE

LETTER

MRS HARVEY LOOKS AT IT THEN HANDS IT BACK

Mrs Harvey:I am sorry , what will you all do?

Gertie:The young uns will be ok but for the rest of us...

GERIE SHRUGS HER SHOULDERS

Mrs Harvey:I am so sorry , but you don't look so sad do you?

Gertie:Well I'm still on cloud nine from last night.

Mrs Harvey:Oh do tell me more.GERTIE LOOKS AROUND BEFORE SPEAKING CONSPIRATORILY

Gertie:I was out last night - with a man.

Mrs Harvey:How nice.

Gertie:We went for a meal at an Italian place.It was great.

Mrs Harvey:My husband , God Rest Him , was Italian , a prisoner of

war.

Gertie:I did not know that.

Mrs Harvey:But carry on tell me more.

Gertie:Well it was reaaly nice , afterwards we went for a stroll

before going back to the car .We spotted a French place.

Mrs Harvey:Yes they do do good food them frenchies.

Gertie:I know , we went in and had a meal there too.

Mrs Harvey:Ypu are naughty.

Gertie:But it was great.And afterwards it was so good too.

GERTIE WINKS , MRS HARVEY IS SLIGHTY FLUSTERED.

Mrs Harvey:Oh you are naughty.

Gertie:Well everybody is doing it.

Mrs Harvey:Perhaps I'm old fashioned.

Gertie:I'm seeing him again tonight.I have a feeling this is

something

special.

Mrs Harvey:If you are sure.

GERTIE GLOWS AND SIGHS WITH PLEASURE AT THE THOUGHT OF

THE

PREVIOUS NIGHTS EVENTS

Mrs Harvey:I suppose its alright then , but make sure he is serious

and

not after you for one thing.Gertie:I'vew got him around my little finger.

GERTIE HOLDS UP HER FINGER , THEY BOTH GIGGLE

Gertie:It's just the half pound of marg and the litre of Johnie

Walker

as usual.

Mrs Harvey:Yes , that's right.The marg has gone up 3p , I may have to

switch brands.

Gertie:oe11.50 please

Mrs Harvey:Here's oe12.

Gertie:50p change.

Mrs Harvey:Just make sure that this man of yours is not a jiggalo.

AS SHE WALKS AWAY , KEITH COMES IN , HE HAS A BUNCH OF

FLOWERS

IN HIS HAND.HE EMBRACES GERTIE.ITS LIKE SUMO WRESTLERS

KISSING

Keith:I was passing , I just wanted to see you again , here these

are

for you .

HE HANDS HER THE FLOWERS

Keith:I hope I wasn't too , er , er , well you know , last night.

Gertie:You were wonderful.

GERTIE GRAPS HIM BY THE THRAOT AND THEY EMBRACE AGAIN

Keith:You took my breath away.

Gertie:I'm sorry.

Keith:No , not now , last night.

Gertie:I'm sorry for last night then.

Keith:I meant it as a compliment.

GERTIE FLUTTERS HER EYELIDS LID A GIANT WALLRUSS.Keith:I'll see you at eight then .I've had a idea , I want to ask

you

about it tonight.

Gertie:What do you mean?

Keith:I'll tell you tonight.

KEITH WALKS AWAY LEAVING GERTIE PERPLEXED.IS IT MARRIAGE?

TONY WALKS UP TO THE TILL AND SPEAKS TO GERTIE

Tony:Have you seen Bernadette?

Gertie:She's by the peas with Susan.But why do you want to know?

Tony:The manager of the hypermarket rung to say he'd interview any

staff

that cared to come along.So I thought I'd give Bernadette the

first

crack at it.I've written her a reference to go with the ones

the

Blairs wrote.

HE HOLDS UP THE ENVELOPES

Gertie:That's great news.Quick go tell her.

SHE PUSHES TONT AWAY SENDING HIM FLYING , HE CARRIES ON

WALKING

TO THE PEAS , RUBBING HIS ARM

Tony:I want you to go to the Hypermarket Bernadette.

Bernadette:You want me to buy you something?

Tony:No silly I want you to have an interview.Here take these.

HE HANDS HER THE REFERENCES

Bernadette:What are these?

Tony:References, now go straight away!

BERNADETTE HAND THE PRICING GUN TO SUSAN AND HURRIES AWAYUNBUTTONING HER OVERALL AS SHE GOES. SUSAN STARES AT TONY

Susan:You can be dead masterful when you want.I like that in a man.

Tony:Er yes , I think I better go and talk to Ben.

TONY HURRIES AWAY FEELING UNCOMFORTABLE AS IS SUSAN IS

MENTALLY

UNDRESSING HIM. SUSAN LOOKS AFTER HIM.

Susan:I wish he'd hurry up and ask me out before its too late.

FADEOUT

WE NEXT SEE BERNADETTE AT INTERVIEW AT THE HYPERMARKET

TWO MEN AND A WOMAN ARE INTERVIEWING HER

Bernadette:Here are my references.You know I can only work part time

because of my son

THE WOMAN TAKES THE REFERENCES AND LOKKS AT THEM BEFORE

HANDING THEM TO THE MEN

1ST Man:These look very good , excellent even.

2ND Man:But we cann't have any passengers here.So can you work on

the

checkout for a half hour so we can see just how good you

really

are

Bernadette:I don't know if I should be back at Blairs

BERNADETTE IS VERY NERVOUS , TWO OF THE PANEL IS

SYMPATHETIC

THE 2ND MAN IS NOT . HE IS NASTY IN FACT

Woman:Your boss said it was ok.

Bernadette:If Tony said that then its ok by me.

2ND Man:It's MR here you know , If you are good enough.

Bernadette:Yes Sir.THE WOMAN SMILES FAINTLY AS ENCOURAGEMENT.SO THE FOUR GO

DOWN

TO THE SHOP FLOOR AND PUT BERNADETTE AT THE TILL.AFTER

FIRST

JAMMING THE TILL AND LOOKING NERVOUSLY AROUND HER

BERNADETETE

SOON GETS INTO THJE SWING OF THINGS A REAL "BORN AGAIN"

SHOP

WORKER. UNTIL A MAN OF FOURTY IN THICK GLASSES APROACHES ,

HE

FALLS AND HAS A FIT. BERNADETTE CLOSES HER EYES IN HORROR

FADEOUT

BERNADETTE RETURNS TO BLAIRS LOOKING SAD.THE GIRLS GATHER

AROUND

Gertie:Well did you get it.

BERNADETTE LOOKS SAD AND DOWNCAST

Gertie:Well?

Tony:Go on tell us the worse of it.

Susan:A trouble shared is a troubled halved.

Bernadette:Well there were two men and a woman interviewing me.One

man was

really nasty.After a talk.They liked the references

,Tony.Well

the nasty one said he wanted to see me in action , so they

made

me work on the shop floor.

Gertie:I've never heard of that before.

A CHORUS OF "ME NEITHER " AND "FANCY THAT"Bernadette:I was nervous at first.

Tony:Well you would be/

Bernadette:But I soon got in the swing of things.

Gertie:Your a pro you are, it shows in your fingertips.

LAUGHS FROM THE GIRLS

Gertie:Not that kind , you lot have filthy minds.

Bernadette:I was quite enjoying it in fact.Until.

EVERYBODY LOOKS AROUND NERVOUSLY WAITING FOR THE BOMBSHELL

Bernadett:A customer had a fit.

Susan:That's terrible , what rotten luck.

Gertie:God is cruel sometimes I think.

Tony:So it ruineds it for you.

A CHORUS OF "AH NO , WHAT A SHAME"

Bernadette:I shut my eyes , it was a shock.

Gertie:So what happened , was the man alright.

Bernadette:After a second ,I just got out from behind the till and

sorted him out.I've done it with my son my see.It was just

that

it kind of surprized me there in the store.

Gertie:Good for you Bernadette.

Bernadette:After I sorted the man out , I calmed the man's wife then

I did

a silly thing , I shouted at one of the interviewing

team , I

told him to get an ambulance as the man had cut his arm

during

the fit.While the ambulance was coming I bandaged the arm.

A STUNNED AND RESPECTFUL SILENCETony:Go on.

Bernadette:Well the ambulance men said he looked ok , I had done a

good

job , but to be on the safe side they would take him

away.His

wife was everso greatful she said the shop should be proud

of

staff like me.I remembered then I had shouted at the

boss.I

started to walk away.But the nasty one grabbed me by the

arm

and kept on shaking it.He called me "My Dear Bernadette"

he

told me to call him Malcome.Before he had stressed he was

"Mr".

Tony:So you got the job.

Bernadette:Yes I got the job.

A CHEER GOES UP

Bernadette:As I was leaving I told the woman that my son had fits and

that

was how I knew what to do.She just said that I showed

great

professionalism under stress and that was the kind of

people

they want.If anybody else wants a job just give them a

ring to

fix up a time for interview.

Gertie:I'm really happy.Tony:Let's celebrate.

TONY WALKS TO THE BOOZE SECTION AND TAKES A BOTTLE , HE

LOOKS

AT GERTIE AND SAYS

Tony:It's ok , I'm not a shoplifter

THEY ALL BURST OUT LAUFHING , THEY RAID THE BOOZE SECTION

AND

HAVE AN IMPROMPTU PARTY , LORRAINE BRINGS THE BEST OF THE

CHEESE OUT AS WELL...

FADE OUT

FADE IN...THE DEBRIS IS BEING CLEARED AWAY AS JANE THE

CLEANER

COMES IN.JANE HELPS OUT AS NEEDED SHE IS NOT JUST A

CLEANER.

Jane:What's all this then? Looks like a party , why wasn't I

invited.

Tony:Bernadette got another job.

Gertie:On the spot at the hypermarket , so we just had to celebrate.

Jane:That's really good , but look at the mess.

JANE LOOKS ALL AROUND HER ,WRAPPERS EVERYWHERE AND

BOTTLES

ROLLING IN THE ISLES

Tony:It's all my fault , but we got carried away as we'll soon be

going

our seperate ways and.

Jane:That's ok it was a shock that's all , besides in a way its

good.

TONY AND GERTIE LOOK PUZZLEDJane:Well I was reading how the Romans used to live it up with

parties

going on for days with orgies and the like , I couldn't really

see

it in my mind .Until I came in here , this gives me an inkling

.

Gertie:It was no orgy!

Lorraine:What's an orgy?

Tony:You're to young to know that.

Jane:I only meant it had some similarities that's all , its all in

this

book I've been reading.

SHE TAKES OFF HER COAT ,IN ONE POCKET OF HER OVERALL IS A

LARGE

HISTORY BOOK , IN THE OTHER POCKET A CAN OF "MR SHEEN" . SHE

TAKES

THE BOOK OUT FOR THEM TO SEE

Tony:The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire

Jane:It's really good this one.One of the students I clean for

leant it

to me.There are drawings too.

SHE OPENS THE BOOK AND TURNS TO A DRAWIG OF AN ORGY , FOR

THEM TO

SEE

Lorraine:So that's what an orgy is ,I've heard the modern word for

it, its

gang

GERTIE INTERRUPTS HURRIEDLYGertie:That's enough of that young lady ,I'm sure you can find

soemthing

to do at the cheese counter.

GERTIE PULLS HERSELF TO HER FULL HEIGHT AND POINTS LORRANIE

GOES

AWAY RELUCTANTLY . JANE IS STILL fLICKING THROUGH THE BOOK

Jane:The best thing ever to happen to me was cleaning for

students ,

I've learnt eversuch a lot , you'd be amazed.

Gertie:I can imagine

THEY GERTIE STARTS TO LAUGH , JUST LIKE A DONKEY

Tony:I think she meant from books

Gertie:Oh.

Jane:I'll hang up my coat then , before I start on this

SHE GESTURES TO THE MESS ALL AROUND , WE FOLLOW JANE AS SHE

GOES

TO THE BACK OF THE SHOP AT THE CHEESE COUNTER SHE HANDS HER

COAT

TO LORRAINE.

Jane:Can you put my coat in the staff room , I'm dying for a

fag.

Lorraine:Ok.

LORRAINE GOES THROUGH THE STOREROOM DOOR WHICH LEADS TO THE

STAFF

ROOM AS WELL CARRYING JANE'S COAT , WHILE JANE LIGHTS UP

Jane:I dying for a fag , they must be adictive to me , mind you

in

olden days it was opium.LORRAINE LOOKS DUMB.

Jane:Drugs.

Lorraine:Oh.

Jane:Men used to go to opium dens and smoke drugs till they were

silly

Lorraine:Nowdays they go to football matches instead, it has the same

results.

Jane:That was clever that , mind you in the Roaman days when they

were

n't at orgies.

LORRAINE'S EYES LIGHT UP , SHE IS INTERESTED

Jane:They went to the circus.

Lorraine:Billy Smarts or Chipperfields.

JANE ROLLS HER EYES IN DISGUST

Jane:It was a bit different.The circus did have animals, lions

and

tigers but they did not do tricks.

Lorraine:It cann't have been very good then.

Jane:Oh but it was , the animals ate the Christians.

Lorraine:Never.

Jane:Yes , it's true , its all in this book.The christians were

the

troublemakers in them days so they were fed to the

lions.People

came to watch , and place bets.

Lorraine:They should bring it back for soccar holigans , they smashed

my

nan's front window the other year , I mean she's reallyold ,68,

and how can she afford a new one.

Jane:There were fights to the death as well , with Gladiators ,

if the

fight was a good one , the loser could be saved if the crowd

gave

a thumbs up.

Lorraine:I've seen one of those.

JANE LOOKS SURPRIZED

Lorraine:Outside a nightclub at closing time, the only differnce was

that

nobody placed bets or put their thumbs up.

Jane:Where's my ashtray.

JANE LOOKS AROUND , LORRAINE GOES TO THE OTHER END OF THE

COUNTER

AND BRINGS BACK A CHARITY BOX WHICH HAS "CANCER RELIEF " ON

THE

SIDE.

Jane:This is really handy.

JANE DROPS HER ASH DOWN THE SLOT AND RESUMES HER TALKING ,

AS

A FEW PUFFS OF SMOKE RISE FROM THE BOX.

Jane:Did I tell you about Marco Polo , I was reading about him

the

other week.

Lorraine:You were reading about polos?

Jane:No Marco Polo , a man who sailed the seven seas in search of

silkand spices.People thought he'd fall of the end of the world.

Lorraine:That's silly .He could have looked in an atlas , he'd have

got

one in W H Smith's or whatever they had in them days.

Jane:They didn't have atlases then nor W H Smith's of any kind .

Lorraine:Really , so how did he know wheree he was going?

Jane:He had a rough map but it stopped near India , so he just

had to

carry on and hope he didn't fall off the end of the world.He

made

maps as he went along.

Lorraine:He must have been very brave.

Jane:He was , just like an Astronaut really if you want to

compare it

to things we do today.

Lorraine:Fancy.But what about those orgies.

LORRAINE IS A LITTLE COY ABOUT IT

Jane:I can lend you this book , if you like.

SHE TAKES THE THICK VOLUME FROM HER POCKET AND HANDS IT TO

LORRAINE

Jane:It's really well written it makes things come to life ,its

light

reading really.

LORRAINE FEELS THE WEIGHT AND LOOKS AT THE SIZE OF THE BOOK

THEN

HANDS IT BACK.TRYING NOT TO LOOK FOOLISH SHE SAYS

Lorraine:I thinking hearing it you is so much better ,you bring it to

lifewhen YOU tell it.

JANE LOOKS PROUD

Jane:Do you really think so?

Lorraine:You're ever such a good talker.Besides I've a Jackie Collins

to

finish.It's thicker than that.

JANE ALLOWS HERSELF A SMALL SMILE.

Jane:As you like , but if ever you change your mind let me know.I

did

not know what I was missing till one of my students lent me

a

History book a few years ago.History is such fun , its

murder and

pillage and plotting , double dealing , lies and lust and so

much

more.

Lorraine:Sounds a bit like The News of The World.

Jane:Yes dear.

WITH A SIGH JANE PUTS THE LAST OF HER ASH INTO THE CHARITY

BOX

A CUSBENER ARRIVES SO JANE FLICKS THE DUSTER CASUALLY AS

LORRAINE

SERVES.

Customer:8 ounzes of best ham.

LORRAINE CUTS THE HAM , JANE IS STILL FLICKING HER DUSTER ,

AND

READING AT THE SAME TIME

Lorraine:That's oe1.42 .Customer:Here a tenner.

LORRAINE LOOKS IN THE TILL ,THERE IS NO CHANGE , SO SHE

GRABS

THE STILL SMOKING CHARITY BOX AND SHAKES A FEW PENNIES AND

ASH

FROM IT.LORRAINE MAKES UP THE MONEY FOR THE CUSBENER AND IS

ABOUT

TO GIVE IT TO THE CUSBENER WHEN SHE REALISES THERE IS ASH SO

SHE

BLOWS THE HANDFUL OF MONEY , THE ASH FALLS ALL OVER THE

CHEESE

THE CUSBENER TAKES THE CHANGE AND GOES AWAY DISGUSTED

Jane:You shouldn't have done that.

Lorraine:It's ok , I'll stick some silver in instead.

SO LORRAINE TAKES SOME SILVER FROM THE TILL AND PUTS IT IN

THE

CHARITY BOX. AT THAT MOMENT A WOMAN WEARING A BLUE TOP

AND

MATCHING SKIRT APPEARS

Woman:That's what I like to see.

Lorraine:What can I do for you?

Woman:I've come for the charity box ,now that the store's closing

I'll

have to find it another home.

SHE TAKES OUT SOME ID FROM HER MATCHING BLUE HANDBAG , THE

ID

SAYS "Charity Coordinator for Cancer Research".

THE WOMAN IS A BIT TOFFY NOSEDLorraine:Here you are then.

LORRAINE PASSES THE BOX.

Woman:I'll open it now , you can have the change for your till ,

then

you can give me some notes.I know how you shop people always

need

change.

THE CHARITY WOMAN OPENS THE BOX , ASH COVERS HER "BLUE"

OUTFIT

SHE IS ANGRY BUT VERY MYSTIFIED.JANE ACTS QUICKLY.

Jane:It's all that radioactivity you know , from that Russian

place

Lorraine:Yes it must be that.Jane's read about it in a book.

JANE TAPS THE BOOK IN HER POCKET , THE TITLE IS UNSEEN

Jane:I causes cancer , so I've heard.

THE CHARITY WOMAN HURRIEDLY WIPES THE ASH OFF HERSELF.THEN

QUICKLY COUNTS THE MONEY AND SWOPS IT FOR NOTES FROM

LORRAINE.

THEN WITH A CURT "Thankyou " SHE LEAVES STILL WIPING THE

ASH

LAIDEN CANCER FROM HER SKIRT.

LORRAINE AND JANE BURST OUT LAUGHING

Lorraine:We were wicked weren't we , I'll have to tell the priest in

confession

Jane:She was a stuck up bitch ,"That's what I like to hear" .

Lorraine:We shouldn't have done it.

Jane:Just because we work in shops people think we are thick and

canlook down on us.Well I'm not thick , I'm half way through my

Open University course in History.

Lorraine:Never! You didn't tell any of us.

Jane:You'd all laugh , a cleaner taking a degree.Besides I had

hope to

come in with my gown on when I passed , but that will never

happen

now.

Lorraine:I always said you were clever.

Jane:Well don't tell anybody!

Lorraine:I won't , I admire you , all I ever got was 3 CSEs.

Jane:And if you do tell anybody I'll put some fish fingers down

your

knickers.

Lorraine:You wouldn't.

Jane:I would.Besides it'll give you an idea what an eskimo

boyfriend

would be like.

THEY BOTH LAUGH AGAIN

THE NEXT DAY ..GERTIE IS ON THE TILL SHE IS IN A RIGHT MOOD

SHE HELPS HERSELF TO THE CHOCOLATES BY THE TILL TO CONSOLE

HERSELF.AS A CUSTOMER IS LEAVING , FEELING VERY

UNCOMFORTABLE

BY GERTIE'S MANNER .LORRAINE , JENNY AND SUSAN GATHER TO

OFFER SYMPATHY..

Lorraine:What's the matter Gertie?

Jenny:Do tell , you're only upsetting yourself by keeping it

bottled upSusan:I bet its got something to do with Keith.

GERTIE GLARES AND REACHES FOR ANOTHER 1LB BAR OF CHOCOLATE ,

SHE

SNAPS IT IN TWO WITH TWO FINGERS OF ONE HAND.BEFORE SHE

PUSHES

IT INTO HER MOUTH.SHE IS NOW SWEARED IN CHOCOLATE LIKE A KID

Lorraine:You're only upsetting yourself.Do tell us more .

Sharom:We want to help you.

Susan:A trouble shared is a troubled halved.

GERTIE SUDDENLY LUNGES FOR THEM , OR SO THEY THINK , IN FACT

ITS THE ECONOMY SIZE SMARTIES THAT SHE'S AFTER.SHE TEARS THE

PACK OPEN THEN POURS THEM DOWN HER THROAT. THE GIRLS LOOK

RELEIVED AND MOVE CLOSER AGAIN.

Gertie:Well you were right , its because of HIM.

KNOWING LOOKS ARE EXCHANGED , THEY HUDDLE TOGETHER LIKE

CONSPIRATORS.AT THAT MOMENT TONY HAPPENS BY.

Tony:Come on girls I know we are closing but lets not give up the

Ghost

entirely

THEY TURN AROUND AS ONE AND GLARE , LIKE A MEDUSA'S HEAD AT

HIM

Tony:I think I'll go and have a tea with Ben , see what my stars

say.

THE FOURSOME STILL GLARE , SO HE EDGES AWAY THEN HURRIES

AWAY

Tony:Ben , oh Ben is the kettle on.

HE HAS HIS HAND RAISED AS IF TO CATCH A TAXI.THE FOURSOME

RESUMETHEIR SCRUMMAGE.

Gertie:Well he said he wanted to make me an offer last night.

Lorraine:What was it?

Gertie:He said he wanted me to think about it and not to rush into

it.

Jenny:So what was it?

Gertie:Well he said it was what every man always wanted.

Susan:Marriage to a good woman!

THREE OF THEM SIGH , GERTIE DOES NOT

Gertie:I thought it was that too.

Susan:What was it then?

Gertie:He wanted to borrow the redundancy money I'd get from here.

Lorraine:The cheeky bugger.

Jenny:So that's what he was after all along.

Susan:Men are all the same if it's not one thing then it's your

money

they are after.

GERTIE STARTS TO SOB , IT SPOILS HER MASCARA , SHE CRUNCHES

MORE

SMARTIES FOR COMFORT'S SAKE.

Lorraine:So what did you do?

Gertie:I was shocked.

Jenny:Well you would be.

Gertie:I'd given him one thing.

Lorraine:Now he wanted the other.

Jenny:Or vice versa.

Lorraine:What does vice versa mean?

Susan:He'd had his wicked way now he wanted her money as well.Gertie:I mean I had saved myself till I fell under his wicked spell

and

there in the restaurant he had revealed himself.

Lorraine:You mean he was a flasher too!

Gertie:No , I mean he was a con man , a charmer.

Lorraine:I saw it on the telly , I think Nigel Havers is dead

gorgeous.

Gertie:That's exactly how he was a charmer just like the telly

series.

Jenny:So what did you do?

Gertie:I forced myself to smile and pretended everything was ok.

Lorraine:You were very brave.

Susan:But didn't you say anything about his proposition.

Gertie:No.I had revenge instead.

Jenny:Oh , you didn't let his car tyres down did you.

Gertie:That would have been silly how would I have got home.

Lorraine:So what happened then?

Gertie:If you shut up I'll tell you.Pass my some toffees.

LORRAINE REACHES FOR SOME TOFFEES , GERTIE STARTS ON THESE.

A LONE CUSTOMER COMES IN.SO LORRAINE SHOUTS.

Lorraine:We are having a staff meeting come back in half an hour .

THE CONFUSED MAN IN A LONG MAC LEAVES , CASTING A BACKWARDS

GLANCE AS HE GOES.

Gertie:So I stayed cool as he rabbited on about always wanting to

have

a business of his own.How he just needed an extra bit of

capital.

He said something about being partners but I wasn'tlistening.

Lorraine:He's a pig.

Jenny:Yes a pig.

Gertie:At the end of the meal he asked had I made up my mind.

Lorraine:So you slapped his face.

Gertie:No I just smiled, then we left.We were at the Steakhouse

place,it

does lovly 12 ounzes steakes and gateau for afters.

Susan:I've been there once with my dad for my eigteenth birthday.

Gertie:So we left and I was all smiles.As we walked down the road

we saw

this new Chinese place.So I pretended we should go in there

to

celebrate my decision.Just a little meal like.Well he was

over

the moon so he ordered a ten course meal.

Lorraine:That taught him.

Gertie:We did not finish it till 11.30 , then he ordered champagne.

Jenny:Oh you were really wicked.

Gertie:It was the only way.So when we finished he asked for my

decision.

Pass me some more toffees Lorraine.

LORRAINE PASSES THE TOFFEES.

Gertie:Well I said I'd let him know when he drove me home.He was

excited

by now.Then on my doorstep I teased him.

GERTIE GIVES HER BEST "COME ON" LOOK

Gertie:He got very excited.Lorraine:The beast.

Gertie:Then I told him to close his eyes.When he did I smacked him

one

in the face and slammed the door on him.

Jenny:Good for you.

Susan:It's all for the best , men can be so.

SHE STRUGGLES TO FIND A SUITABLE WORD

Jenny:Men are just men!

Susan:Exactly ,they can be so demanding and then caste you

aside

without a thought.

IN THE BACKGROUND TONY IS MAKING A SHOW OF LOOKING AT HIS

WATCH

THE GIRLS SEE HIM .

Susan:I better go then before he gets angry.

SUSAN GOES TO THE BACK OF THE SHOP AND SMILES AT TONY ,AS

THE

TWO DISAPPEAR FROM VIEW THE GIRLS TALK ABOUT HER.

Jenny:She can talk , "Men can be so demanding" .Her knickers go up

and

down as often as the tide changes.

Lorraine:Isn't that twice a day. ( SHE IS NAIVE NOT BITCHY)

THE GIRLS LAUGH AT THIS

Jenny:I better go back to my buns I suppose.

Gertie:Thanks for your shoulder to cry on.

Jenny:That's what friends are for.

JENNY WALKS OFF , GERTIE TURNS TO SUSAN

Gertie:Jenny's no better than Susan.Her "helping" the lorry driverunload

Lorraine:How do you mean. (STILL VERY NAIVE)

Gertie:It wasn't the lorry she was "unloading".

Lorraine:I still don't understand.

Gertie:You're young and pretty , so take my advice , stay as you

are

till you have a ring on your finger and a deposite on a

house.

Lorraine:Er yes.

Gertie:I mean you don't want to end up like me , taken advantage of

,and

why? So he could get his hands on my redundancy.And I

thought it

was me he was after.

GERTIE PUSHES HALF A BAR OF CHOCOLATE INTO HER MOUTH

Lorraine:Cheer up Gertie , there's "as good a fish in the sea that

ever

came out of it".

GERTIE LOOKS AT LORRAINE , A PUZZLED LOOK ON HER FACE

Lorraine:It was our old school motto , if I remember right the

headmaster

said it meant that good things can happen again .

Gertie:I don't know , I think I'll give men up for life.

SHE LOOKS VERY SAD , PATHETIC , MAKEUP SMUDGED AND

CHOCOLATE

ON HER FACE

Gertie:Besides look at me , I'm 39 and I'll never be thin again.

SILENT TEARS START TO FALL , LORRAINE PUTS HER ARM AROUNDHER

TO COMFORT HER.

Lorraine:He's a beast that Keith.

AT THAT MOMENT THE LARGE SHADOW FALLS OVER THEM THEY DON'T

LOOK UP.

Lorraine:Cann't you leave her alone Tony , she's broken hearted.

Gertie:I'm sorry Tony its just that I had such hopes.

A BIG SNIFFLE FROM GERTIE , LORRAINE "THERE THERES " HER

THE SHADOW SPEAKS.

Keith:It's all my fault , I want to say sorry.

THE TWO LOOK UP , KEITH IS WEARING SUNGLASSES HE HAS AN

ENORMOUS

BUNCH OF FLOWERS READY FOR GERTIE.

Keith:I realised when I got home how it must have sounded.

Lorraine:You beast get lost , you seduced her , then you wanted her

money.

That's all you wanted.

ANOTHER SNIFFLE FROM GERTIE.

Keith:It's all my fault , I want to say sorry.

HE OFFERS THE FLOWERS TO GERTIE , GERTIE FOLDS HER ARMS ,

LORRAINE

SNATCHES THEM AND THROWS THEM IN THE AIR.THEY LAND ON THE

THREE OF

THEM AND THE TILL AND FLOOR.

Lorraine:You've used her , you've taken advantage of her now you come

back

to torment her.

Keith:It's not like that.Lorraine:You're a theif , you only got half the treasure.

KEITH PUTS HIS HAND ON LORRAINE MOUTH , AND LIFTS GERTIE'S

CHIN

WITH HIS OTHER HAND.LORRAINE STRUGGLES

Keith:Gertie I love you , I was so excited with my plans last

night

that I didn't get round to the most important bit.

GERTIE WIPES THE TEARS AWAY FROM HER EYE.LORRAINE REACHES

FOR

SOME OF THE SCATTERED ROSES AND STARTS TO HIT KEITH.

Keith:Yes I do want your redundancy money .

LORRAINE BEATS HIM WITH A ROSE.

Keith:Yes I want you as business partner.

LORRAINE BELTS HIM WITH THE ROSES , KEITH LETS THEM BOTH GO

HE KNEELS DOWN UNDER LORRAINE'S BELTING , HE REACHES INTO

HIS

POCKET , LORRAINE BELTS HIM EVEN MORE.GERTIE WONDERS WHAT

HE

NOW HAS IN HIS HAND

Keith:But most of all I want you as a wife.

LORRAINE STOPS THE "WAR OF THE ROSES"

Gertie:What?

Keith:I want you to marry me.

Lorraine:Marry her?

Keith:I want you for a wife , to be my business partner and if you

don't think we're too old I want children , lots of

children.

GERTIE IS STUNNED , KEITH GETS TO HIS FEET ,HE PLACES THERING

ON HER FINGER.LORRAINE MOVES BEWTEEN THEM TO LOOK AT THE

RING.

Gertie:Marry me?

Keith:Yes I want you as my wife , if you can forgive me for not

explaining things yesterday.That's if there's nobody else.

THE PENNY DROPS , GERTIE JUMPS UP AND EMBRACES KEITH ,

LORRAINE

IS SQUASHED INBETWEEN. GERTIE GRAPS LORRAINE AND THROWS

HER

TO ONE SIDE.LORRAINE HURTLES INTO A TOWER OF TOILET ROLLS,

AS

GERTIE AND KEITH EMBRACE LIKE SUMO WRESTLERS , THEN KISS.

WHEN THEY BREAK BOTH ARE COVERED IN CHOCOLATE , ROSE BUDS

IN

THEIR HAIR.LORRAINE GETS UP AND STACKS THE TOILET ROLLS ,

AT

LAST GERTIE AND KEITH BREAK FOR AIR.

Keith:Do you forgive me.

Gertie:YES , YES.

Keith:We'll talk things over tonight.

Gertie:Does your eye hurt ?

Keith:It's nothing.

Gertie:Show me .

KEITH REMOVES THE SUNGLASSES TO REVEAL A REAL BAD BLACK

EYE

GERTIE IS SHOCKED.

Gertie:Did it hurt?Keith:It still does.

Gertie:I'm sorry.

Keith:It would have hurt more if I'd lost you.

LORRAINE HAS RECOVERED FROM BEING "TOILET ROLLED" SO SHE

COMES

OVER TO EXAMINE THE RING.JUST AS GERTIE AND KEITH

"GRABBLE"

AGAIN , SHE IS CAUGHT IN THE MIDDLE AGAIN , THIS TIME

KEITH

FLINGS HER TO ONE SIDE , SHE COLLIDES WITH TINS OF

BISCUITS

GERTIE AND KEITH EMBRACE AGAIN.IN THE BACKGROUND THE

DRUNK

GERTIE FELLED PREVIOUSLY IS SEEN SNEAKING OUT WITH A FEW

BOTTLES.GERTIE BREAKS FROM KEITH TO SHOUT.

Gertie:What do you think you are doing you horrible man , drop

em!

A SHOCKED DRUNK DROPS THE BOTTLES AND SCAMPERS OUT OF THE

STORE TO BUMP INTO A PASSERBY.LORRAINE GETS UP AGAIN AND

SHOUTS

Lorraine:Quick everybody , Gertie's getting married.

WE SEE THE GIRLS ALL MUSTER.EXCEPT SUSAN WHO IS UP A

LADDER

AT THE BACK OF THE SHOP.....

SHE IS TAKING DOWN POSTERS OF FARM PRODUCE

Susan:Why didn't you do up this ladder ,Tony?

Tony:I get vertigo that's why.

SUSAN IS VERY HIGH UP REACHING FOR THE POSTERS.Tony:Don't over stretch , or your'll fall down.

TONY LOOKS UP AT SUSAN , BEING HUMAN HIS EYES FOLLOW

HER

LEGS UPWARDS . HE IS THUNDERSTRUCK BY THE TIME HE SEES

HER

RED UNDIES.

Susan:Its hot up here , hang on a sec while I loosen my overall.

AS SHE UNDOES SOME BUTTONS , TONY IS STILL LOOKING UP

HER

DRESS.SUSAN THEN REACHES FOR THE LAST POSTER.

Susan:I'll just reach a bit more then I'll get the last one

NO REPLY FROM TONY , BUT THE LADDER BEGINS TO RATTLE A

BIT

TONY SEES SUSAN'S CHEST AS SHE REACHES FOR THE LAST

POSTER

Susan:Got it , hold the ladder steady while I come down.

NO REPLY FROM TONY , SUSAN LOOKS DOWN , SHE SEES HIM

STARING AT HER LEGS AND THE REST.SO SHE WIGGLES A BIT

MORE

AS SHE COMES DOWN , THEN AT THE LAST WRUNG SHE SLIPS

ON

PURPOSE.TONY MAKES A GRAB FOR HER BUT TOUCHES HER

CHEST

AS HE GRABS HER ARM.SO SUSAN SMILES.

Susan:Cheeky , I know why you sent me up that ladder.

TONY BLUSHES , AND SMILES LIKE FRANK SPENCER USED TO

DO.

Tony:Susan , will you?HE STOPS IN A SEA OF BLUSHES

Susan:Yes I will , cheeky.

SUSAN TAKES TONY BY THE ARM AND LEADS HIM TO THE DEEP

FREEZE , THEN CLOSING THE DOOR SHE SPEAKS.

Susan:I like you and I think that you like me.We may never meet again

when

the store closes.So.

SHE WALKS TO THE FAR END OF THE FREEZER AND TAPS THE

THERMOSTAT.IT SHOWS 50o , WARM FOR A FREEZER

SHE THEN STARTS TO UNDRESS , HANGING HER CLOTHES ON

THE

MEAT HOOKS AS SHE DOES SO.TONY IS SPEECHLESS , THEN

SHE

MOVES TOWARDS HIM AND STARTS TO UNDRESS HIM.

FADEOUT

WE NEXT SEE LORRAINE , AT THE BACK OF THE SHOP LOOKING

FOR

TONY AND SUSAN TO TELL THEM THE GOOD NEWS ABOUT GERTIE.

Lorraine:Where have they got too , they'll miss all the fun.

WE SEE LORRAINE WALK PAST THE ABANDONED STEPS , WITH

"MILK

IS GOOD FOR CHILDREN AND MUMS TO BE" POSTERS ON THE

FLOOR

Lorraine:Susan ,Tony? Where are you ,Gertie and Keith are getting

married

SHE REPEATS HER MESSAGE AS SHE GOES PAST THE FREEZER

SCENE SWITCH ...TO INSIDE THE FREEZER , TONY AND SUSAN

ARE NAKED , THEIR PASSION SPENT , TONY IS RESTING HISHEAD ON HER AMPLE CHEST.TONY IS STILL WEARING A TIE.

Susan:I hope you don't think I do this all the time.I'm not like

that,I am

a nice girl I am.I know the others call me a slag behind my

back

just because I like a good time.

NO REPLY FROM TONY , HE IS TOO HAPPY , JUST A HUGH SMIRK

Susan:It's just that when I saw you looking at me I just knew I had

to do

something.It was now or never.I know you won't belive this but

this

was - well you know, it was -SPECIAL.

Tony:I love you.

Susan:You're not just saying that?

Tony:I've liked you , for such a long time ,its just that you seem

to be

so happy with all your boyfriends and the like.

Susan:None were ever special, I mean of course I've kissed and the

like

but well you know.I've kept my pride if you know what I mean.

Tony:Does that mean?

BEFORE SUSAN CAN REPLY FROM OUTSIDE THEY HEAR LORRAINE'S

CRY

OF" GERTIE'S GETTING MARRIED , GERTIE'S GETTING MARRIED"

SO SUSAN SITS UP SUDDENLY , TONY BANGS HIS HEAD ON THE

FLOOR.

Susan:Gertie's getting married! I wish I was.

THEN SHE NOTICES TONY RUBBING HIS HEADSusan:Did I do that?

Tony:It's nothing.

Susan:Sorry its just the news , didn't you hear Gertie's getting

married!

Tony:Would you marry me?

Susan:Are you asking?

Tony:Yes.

Susan:It's not because of this , I'm not on the pill you know.

TONY GULPS

Tony:No , its just that I know you're the one for me.

Susan:Alright then .But I think we should see if we are suited

first,you

know live together first.I mean marriage is a big thing and

besides

we are both out of a job soon.

Tony:Actually I've got one lined up at the Hypermarket.It's the

exams I

took at night school that swung it.

Susan:You are clever , I always knew you had brains , and a nice bum.

SHE GIGGLES THEN THEY EMBRACE , TONY MOANS , HIS HEAD

HURTS

Susan:You should put something on that , something cold.

Tony:Alright then.

TONY REACHES OUT AND GRABS A PIECE OF MEAT FROM A HOOK

AND

PUTS IT ON HIS HEAD

A MOMENT LATER BEN THE CHINESE STOREMAN OPENS THE FREEZER

DOORHE SEES A LINE OF WOMENS CLOTHES HANGING ON HOOKS , ON

ONE

HOOK A PILE OF MENS CLOTHES , A SMALL HOLE IN THE BACK OF

THE

Y FRONTS.THEN BEN SEE THE COUPLE KISSING , BEN GRABS A

LARGE

BLACK PUDDING AND RUSHES OUT EMBARASSED.

TONY AND SUSAN LAUGH , HEADS HELD BACK , THE MEAT FROM

TONY'S

HEAD FALLS ON SUSAN'S CHEST.SHE SCREAMS BECAUSE OF THE

COLD

THEN LAUGHS.IN THE BACKGROUND WE CAN HEAR LORRAINE'S

CHANT

OF "GERTIE'S GETTING MARRIED"

FADEOUT

A FEW DAYS LATER

GERTIE IS FLASHING HER RING FROM HER POST AT THE CHECKOUT

,

SUSAN APPROACHES.

Gertie:Where were you and Tony the other day ,we couldn't find you

anywhere.

Susan:Oh we were about.Show us your ring.

Gertie:See how big it is.

GERTIE THRUSTS THE RING UNDER SUSAN'S NOSE

Susan:Very nice I'm sure.When I get married though I'll only have a

small

one.Its only a symbol after all.I'd live with my boyfriend

first aswell.

Gertie:Well WE will be married as soon as possible.You didn't hear

the

full story.

Susan:No.

Gertie:Well you know he wanted my redundancy , well he forgot to add

he

wanted to marry me as well, as he was so wrapped up in his

plans.

Susan:So everything worked out fine.

Gertie:Yes.

GERTIE THEN LOOKS AROUND CONSPIRATORILY , BEFORE ADDING

Gertie:Don't say anything to anybody but I have a feeling I could be

having a baby ,its too early to say yet but "A Woman Can Tell"

.

Susan:Do you want one?

Gertie:Of course , it could be twins too.There's a history of twins

in his

family.

Susan:Never.

Gertie:Yes , I think its great.So when we finally close here I'll

have a

full time job as a mother and partner in a health food shop.

GERTIE REACHES FOR A BAR OF CHOCOLATE THEN BREAKS IT WITH

TWO

FINGERS BEFORE STUFFING HALF A BAR IN HER MOUTH.

Gertie:Do you want some?

Susan:No , I better go and see what Tony wants me to do.AS SUSAN WALKS AWAY A CUSTOMER IS SERVED , WE HEAR GERTIE

SAY

"CAN YOU KEEP A SECRET"....

SUSAN WALKS TO THE BACK OF THE SHOP TONY IS STANDING BY

THE

FREEZER.THEY BOTH GO INSIDE.THEN TONY'S ARM APPEARS AND

HE

HANGS A STRING OF SAUSAGES ON THE DOOR HANDLE.BEN APPEARS

AND IS ABOUT TO GO INSIDE WHEN HE SEES THE SAUSAGES , SO

HE

WALKS AWAY AGAIN.THEN THERE IS A SHOUT OF "HELP BEN".

BEN RUSHES TO SEE WHAT IS UP.WE SEE A LARGE RAT RUNNING

ALONG

THE ISLES.BEN CHASES THE RAT AND WITH A DIVE CATCHES IT

AND

PUTS IT IN HIS POCKET.A CHORUS OF "WELL DONE BEN" FROM

THE

GIRLS , THE RAT IS STILL MOVING INSIDE BEN'S POCKET.

WE FOLLOW BEN AS HE GOES TO THE BACK OF THE SHOP AND INTO

THE

STOREROOM/REST AREA.

Ben:My stars say I catch a prize and I have.This one very nice.

BEN WALKS TOWARDS THE COOKER WHERE A SAUCEPAN IS ON THE

BOIL

Ben:Mother will like my nice present for her.

FADEOUT ON BEN THEN BACK IN THE STORE

AN OLD WOMAN WITH TWO EMPTY SHOPPING BAGS COMES IN ,SHE

SMILESSWEETLY AT GERTIE ,WE FOLLOW HER AROUND THE STORE AS SHE

FILLS

HER SHOPPING BAGS , THEN SHE COMES TOWARDS THE TILL WITH

ONE

BAR OF SOAP IN HER HAND.OTHER CUSTOMERS STARE IN

DISBELIEF.

Woman:Just the bar of soap.

Gertie:That'll be twenty pence please ,Florence.

Woman:There you are.

Gertie:You do know the store is closing.

Woman:I was told .

THE WOMAN PAUSES FOR A MOMENT.

Woman:I better have some chocolate then.

SHE EMPTIES THE RACK INTO HER BAG , THEN WITH A WAVE AND

A

SMILE SHE LEAVES.GERTIE WATCHES HER LEAVE , SHE SMILES.

Gertie:I hope she realises she'll have to pay when she goes to other

shops

A CUSTOMER COMES RUNNING UP , SHE POINTS AT FLORENCE

Woman:That lady there , going out just filled her bags up , she's a

shoplifter.

Gertie:That's no way to talk about a retired school teacher.She no

thief

either.

Woman:But I saw her .She just filled her bags.

Gertie;She taught Mr Blair .

Woman:But I saw her.

Gertie:So did I , every week for the past ten years.Woman:Your an accomplice then.

Gertie:IF you let me finish , she's on such a bad pension that Mr

Blair

told her to shop here.If he gave her money the Social Security

would cut her money.

Woman:Oh.

Gertie:Do you want to pay for that then.

GERTIE POINTS TO THE PACKET OF NAPPIES THE WOMAN HAS IN HER

ARM.

Woman:Er yes.

THE WOMAN SEARCHES IN HER PURSE FOR FOR THE MONEY SHE IS 1p

SHORT

Woman:I'm afraid I'm 1p short , can you let me off?

Gertie:This is a shop not a charity.

Woman:I haven't got any more , I really need the nappies.

Gertie:Are you sure?

Woman:Search me.

THE WOMAN SLAPS HER HANDS AT HER SIDE , THEN SHE SUDDENLY

REALISES

THAT SHE DOES HAVE A PENNY AFTER ALL.SO LOOKING AROUND THE

WOMAN

HITCHES HER SKIRT TO REVEAL HER STOCKING TOP , SHE HAS A

PENNY

HOLDING UP THE STOCKING , IN PLACE OF A MISSING CATCH ON HER

CORSET.SHE HANDS THE PENNY TO A RATHER DISGUSTED GERTIE

THE WOMAN WALKS AWAY WITH THE NAPPIES UNDER HER ARM AND ONE

OF

HER STOCKINGS FALLING DOWN TO HER ANKLE.ANOTHER CUMTOMER APPEARS , ITS MRS CLYDE , THE GOSSIP

Mrs Clyde:Hello , Gertie.

Gertie:We haven't seen you for a while?

Mrs Clyde:I've been sick.It was my legs , they have been playing me

up.I

got a twinge then another and another till for a finish I

could

not walk.

Gertie:Your veins?

Mrs Clyde:Yes my veins.I had an operation on them.Mr doctor , Dr

Tweed did

the arranging , a friend of his is a Mister at the hospital

,his

friend did them.He was such a nice man , his hands were so

soft,

I'm sure he must use hand cream or something.If I were

younger

I'd run away with him.The things these doctors do , my

husband

doesn't even do them! I'd slap his face if he did.Well I

was in

and out of hospital in four days , its like a conveyor belt

in

hospitals nowdays , in one day , under the knife the next

day ,

a day or two in bed then they kick you out.You make friends

and

hear all their news and just when its getting interestingyou

are kicked out , its most annoying.Then you have to make

your

recovery all alone at home , its not fair.

Gertie:It's the way of the world.Is it just the domestos ?

GERTIE POINTS TO THE DOMESTOS IN MRS CLYDE'S HAND ,WHO THEN

PAYS FOR THE DOMESTOS , STILL TALKING NON STOP

Mrs Clyde:Yes.It's the only thing that cleans my false teeth.Talking

of

teeth , there was one woman in to have her jaws wired

together

to help her loose weight.She looked a bit like you really

only

not as fat.

GERTIE PULLS A FACE ONLY MRS CLYDE DOES NOT NOTICE

Mrs Clyde:She was a nice person though , I'm sure you'd like her

anyway.

Did you hear that Old Mr Crowther is getting married

again ,at

his age , he must be 70 , that'll be his third wife.

Gertie:It would be worse if he marriesd the three all at once ,

like a

bigamist .

Mrs Clyde:I suppose you are right , but old men shouldn't marry when

their

poor old wives die , its not natural.Men only want a cook

and a

cleaner and cuddle , they are all the same.ANOTHER CUSTOMER IS WAITING TO PAY BEHIND MRS CLYDE , SHE

COUGHS

TO GET NOTICED.MRS CLYDE LOOKS AT HER WATCH

Mrs Clyde:I better be going , I cann't stay here listening to you

rattle

on all day.Bye I'll see you again soon.

GERTIE LETS MRS CLYDE WALK A FEW PACES BEFORE SHOUTING

Gertie:You do know the shop is closing soon.

MRS CLYDE STOPS DEAD IN HER TRACKS , SHE HURRIES BACK TO

GERTIE

Mrs Clyde:You mean for refurbishment , it does need a lick of paint.

Gertie:No for good.

Mrs Clyde:Nobody told ME.

Gertie:Everybody knows now , except YOU it would seem.

MRS CLYDE IS SPEECHLESS AND LEAVES IN DISGUST , GERTIE

TURNS TO

THE CUSTOMER AND SAYS

Gertie:I'm almost glad the shops closing just to see the look on her

face

THE CUSTOMER JUST LOOKS MYSTIFIED , PAYS AND WALKS AWAY

GERTIE

SAYS TO HERSELF

Gertie:Poor old Mrs Clyde , fancy her not knowing .Normally she can

tell

you what you had for breakfast.

TONY WALKS UP AND STOPS NEXT TO GERTIE

Tony:What's that about Mrs Clyde ?

Gertie:She didn't know the shop was to close.Tony:That's the first time ever we've got one over her.

Gertie:What do you want anyway?

Tony:How's trade?

Gertie:Almost non existant.

Tony:I've an idea , to boost it.I'll go and fetch Susan.

Gertie:You seem to have a thing for Susan lately.

Tony:What's Ben been saying?

Gertie:Nothing , but your face is worth a thousand words.

Tony:But , but , well ,I mean , just stay their and I'll fetch

Susan.

TONY WALKS TO THE BACK OF THE SHOP AND TAKES SUSAN BY THE ARM

Tony:Can you do me a favour?

Susan:All right then .

SHE HEADS BACK TO THE DEEP FREEZE , WE SEE BEN REACH FOR A

STRING

OF SAUSAGES AND HANG THEM ON THE FREEZER DOOR

Tomy:Not that.

Susan:Well what then?

SHE IS STANDING WITH HER HANDS ON HER HIPS , TONY LEADS HER

TO

THE FRONT OF THE SHOP , BEN TAKES THE SAUSAGES DOWN

Tony:Here , can you just sit by the door , facing the street .

Susan:Just sit here.

SUSAN POINTS WITH HER FINGER

Tony:That's right.We have to get the customers in , the more stuff

we can

sell the more redundancy we get.

Susan:But I don't understand.Tony:If we sell more , then Paul can pay the bills and he'll add a

bit

extra to the redundancy money.

Susan:I understand that stupid.It's just how can My sitting in the

doorway

help?

Tony:Trust me.

Susan:Alright then.

SUSAN KISSES TONY , THEN GRABS A STOOL FROM BEHIND THE OTHER

CHECKOU AND SITS DOWM , CROSSINGS HER LEGS.

Gertie:So you two are sweet.I always said Susan was a nice girl.

Tony:We did want to keep it a secret.

Gertie:A secret in a shop , that's like having a Republican in The

Kremlin

WE THEN VIEW SUSAN FROM THE STREET , ALL SHE NEEDS IS A RED

LIGHT

THEN SHE WOULD LOOK LIKE AN AMSTERDAM MADAME.THE PLOY WORKS

FIRST

A TRICKLE THEN A TIDAL WAVE OF MEN COMING INTO THE SHOP.AT

FIRST

THEY BUY SMALL ITEMS , THEN LARGER ITEMS.TILL SHOP IS FULL

TO

OVERFLOWING , ALL LEERING AT SUSAN.

(NOTE**** I HAVEN'T LISTED THE DETAILS YOUR DIRECTOR CAN

HAVE

FUN DOING THAT ***)

BENNADETTE ARRIVES FOR THE AFTERNOON SHIFT , SHE HAS TO

FIGHTHER WAY INTO THE STORE.SHE STOPS BY THE TILL TO ASK GERTIE

WHAT

IS GOING ON.

Bernadette:What's all this then? If we always were as crowded we

wouldn't

be closing down.

Gertie:Didn't you notice Susan?

BERNADETTE GOES ON TIP TOES TO SEE SUSAN ON A STOOL

AMONGST

THE MELE.

Bernadette:I didn't notice her when I came it what with all the

crowds.Why

is she just sitting there?

Gertie:It was Tony's idea , its to draw the crowds.It certainly

worked

Bernadette:I think its disgusting.

Gertie:There's more to tell as well , Susan and Tony have got a

thing

going.They kissed - right in front of me.

Bernadette:This place is worse than Soddem and Gormora.I'm going to

hang

up my coat ,then I'll give Tony a piece of my mind.

BERNADETTE GOES OFF IN A HUFF , LEAVING GERTIE TO SERVE

LORRY

DRIVERS CLUTCHING WOMEN'S HAIRSPRAY IN THEIR HANDS ,

ANYTHING

GRABBED OFF THE SHELVES , JUST SO THEY CAN COME IN AND

LEER ATSUSAN.

WE FOLLOW BERNADETTE TO THE BACK OF THE SHOP , AN OASIS OF

CALM

BY THE CHEESE COUNTER.LORRAINE AND JANE ARE THERE.

Bernadette:I think its disgusting what Tony has made Susan do.

Jane:Well it does encourage trade.

Bernadette:But what sort of trade? This is a food shop not a

brothel ,Tony

has taken advantage of Susan , he's using her.

LORRAINE STARTS TO GIGGLE

Bernadette:I don't see what you're laughing at young Miss.

Lorraine:It's just that Tony and Susan are - well involved now.

Bernadette:Or so I heard.

Jane:So you heard about the deep freeze?

Bernadette:What are you on about?

BERNADETTE LOOKS PUZZLED AND UNCOMPREHENDING

Jane:Didn't you hear about Ben and what he saw?

Bernadette:I don't know what you are on about.All I do know is that

I'm

going to hang up my coat then I'll find Tony and give him

a

piece of my mind.

Jane:So you DON'T know about the deep freeze.

Bernadette:No.

JANE MOVES CLOSER TO BERNADETTE AND STARTS TO WHISPER IN

HER

EAR.BEFORE SHE DOES SO SHE SAYS TO LORRAINE.

Jane:You stay where you are , you're too young to hear this ,its

not fit for an unmarried girl.

SHE WHISPERS IN BERNADETTE'S EAR , BERNADETTE IS SHOCKED

SHE

GIGGLES FOR A SECOND THEN IS SHOCKED AGAIN.

Bernadette:And in a deep freeze .

JANE NODS IN AFFIRMATION

Bernadette:It's disgusting.I mean the pair of them , Susan should

have

know better.I can understand Gertie and Keith , after all

it is

Gertie's last chance to get a man , besides they are going

to

get married.But as for Susan and Tony , Why she is no more

than

a scarlet woman.Oh , oh this is just terrible.

BERNADETTE GOES OFF IN DISGUST.LORRAINE MOVES CLOSER TO

JANE

Lorraine:Come on Jane tell me about the deep freeze.

Jane:You are too young.

Lorraine:Everybody treats me like a kid around here.

LORRAINE PULLS A FACE AND CROSSES HER ARMS , ALL FED UP.

Lorraine:You can at least tell what a scarlet woman is.

Jane:Now I can tell you about that.

LORRAINE LOOKS HOPEFUL AND INTERESTED

Jane:Now a scarlet woman is a friend of a married man , though

not his

wife.Lorraine:You mean a prostitute.

Jane:Well , yes.But not quite that.I is a mistress if you like.I

was

reading a book the other day called "The Power Behind the

Throne"

it was an anthology concerning the influence of spouses in

history .

LORRAINE LOOKS BLANK

Lorraine:Er , what's an anthology .

JANE SIGHS IN DISGUST AT LORRAINE'S IGNORANCE

Jane:It's a book , it was about woman who influenced history by

their

power over men , kings and pioliticians.Like Nell Gwenn an

orange

seller who was also the mistress to Charles.Then there's

Anthony

and Clepatra in Egypt.

Lorraine:I've seen that film on the telly.

Jane:Then we had the Promufo affair.Where a government minister

had a

mistress who he shared with a Russian man

Lorraine:This is really interesting.

Jane:That's what I always say , History IS interesting.

Lorraine:I mean its just like the News of The World.

Jane:Yes - but better.Remember our King gave up the throne for

the

woman he loved.

Lorraine:I saw that on TV too.Jane:I suppose history does make good TV.I just love it , the

best

thing that ever happened to me was cleaning for students ,

if it

wasn't for them I'd never have discovered "History

Books".It's

so fasinating.Do you know one king even thought he could

tell the

tide not to come in , he sat there in his chair and ordered

the

sea not to come in.King Canute was his name.

Lorraine:Pardon! (SHE IS REALLY SURPRIZED)

Jane:Canute I said.

Lorraine:Oh. (SHE GIGGLES NERVOUSLY)

Jane:He got his feet wet anyway , it made him realise he was not

omnipotent.

Lorraine:Yer what!

Jane:He couldn't have everything all his own way.

Lorraine:I bet that taught him a lesson , men are all the same they

just

want to have everthing their own way.

Jane:Yes that's true but women have had a big say in

History.Think of

Salome for example.She did a dance and as a reward the king

gave

her the head of John the Baptist.

Lorraine:Ugh , that's horrid , a human head for a dance.Yuk!

Jane:It was the "Dance of the Seven Veils" . As she danced sheremoved

one veil after another till none were left.

Lorraine:Sounds like a strip tease to me.

Jane:I suppose it was , but just think because of that one dance

"History" was changed .John the Baptist , the cousin of

Jesus was

beheaded.

Lorraine:Doesn't anything nice happen in History.

Jane:Of course it does , its just that History is old news , very

old

news in fact.So its like a newspaper in a way.

Lorraine:All bad news , and full of chips the next week.

BERNADETTE RUSHES OUT PAST THEM AT THAT MOMENT AND WE FOLLOW

HER THROUGH THE LUSTING LORRY DRIVERS TO TONY WHO IS

THANKING

SUSAN

Tony:Thanks ,Susan . I didn't think it would work this well ,

its a

bit too good in fact.

Susan:I wouldn't fo this for anybody else.The rest of the girls

must

think I am right slag.

Tony:You can stop now then.

SUSAN GET OFF HER STOOL AND EMBRACES TONY , TO MUCH WOLF

WHISTLING

FROM THE LORRY DRIVERS AND THE ODD SHOUT OF "GIVE HER ONE" .

BERNADETTE COMES UP TO THEM AND PULLS THEM APART.

Bernadette:This is disgraceful , first you put her on display like somuch

meat.

Crowd:I wouldn't mind a few pounds of that.

LAUGHTER FROM THE CROWDS

Bernadette:Now you cavort in front of a crowd.I've never kissed my

husband

in public , never in my whole life.

Tony:But.

Bernadette:I don't want to hear any excuses.I'm glad this shop is

closing

before we sink ever deeper into a sea of filth.

SHE THEN GRABS SUSAN BY THE ARM AND STARTS TO WALK AWAY

Bernadette:You can come with me ,Madame.

Susan:We were stopping anyway.

Bernadette:It didn't look like that to me.And why was your tongue in

his

mouth?

AS SUSAN IS DRAGGED AWAY SHE BLOWS TONY A KISS , THE

CROWD

OF LORRY DRIVERS CHEER , TONY LIMPLY WAVES BACK.TONY THEN

TURNS TO THE DRIVERS

Tony:I'm afraid the show's over lads.

Driver:What about tomorrow?

Tomy:It was a once only , never to be repeated special offer.

THE DRIVERS LEAVE WITH COMMENTS LIKE "I WISH IT WAS LIKE

THIS

IN TESCOS" . AND VARIOUS BELLY LAUGHS.ONE FAT DRIVER

STANDSBY GERTIE.GERTIE FLASHES HER RING THEN THE DRIVER

LEAVES , HE

IS DEJECTED.GERTIE IS ALL SMILES , IT HAS MADE HER DAY IN

FACT

TONY GOES TO TALK TO GERTIE.

Tony:Well it certainly helped clear the shelves.

Gertie:I was propositioned too!

Tony:I hope it didn't upset you.

Gertie:Of course not.I made my day.

GERTIE SIGHS AND LOOKS UPWARDS , TONY SCRATCHES HIS HEAD ,

PAUL

WALKS IN AT THAT MOMENT .

Paul:What happened to the crowd , they all just left.

HE LOOKS AND SEES EMPTY SHELVES

Tony:We had a sales gimick that's all.It should all help towards

paying

the redundancies.What news have you got for us anyway?

Paul:Well ,I've come to say you can all finish now , I've sold the

lot ,

I've got the checks in my pocket , no need to work the rest of

the

three months.

Gertie:You Mean its all over.

Paul:Afraid so.it hurts me as much as it hurts you , I was born in

this

shop , right where you are sitting now.

GERTIE LOOKS AROUND HER , AS IF SHE WILL SEE A MOTHER IN

CHILDBIRTH , ALL SHE SEES ARE CRUSHED SALES SLIPS AND MUD FROM

THE

LORRY DRIVER'S BOOTS

Paul:Can you call everybody here then ,Tony.

Tony:All right.

TONY WALKS AWAY TO FETCH THE STAFF

Paul:You know dad and me will give you all glowing references , I

just

hope you get all get fixed up .Have you any plans , Gertie?

Gertie:Actually , I'm getting married and setting up in business , we

hope

to have a shop of our own.

Paul:That's good , what kind of shop , a small grocers perhaps?

Gertie:A health food shop.Me and Keith will run it.

Paul:Is that big Keith the sales rep?

Gertie:Yes. (FULL Of PRIDE)

Paul:So you and Bernadette at least will be ok.

Gertie:Yes- best of all I may be pregnant and it could be twins as

twins

run in Keith's family.

Paul:I'm really pleased for you .You really deserve it.

PAULS GIVES GERTIE A HUG , SHE WOBBLES ON HER STOOL , BUT

WITH A

BIG EFFORT MANAGES TO STAY ON.

Paul:We may as well celebrate .

PAUL GOES TO WHAT'S LEFT OF THE DRINKS DISPLAY AND GRABS

SOME

WINE.GERTIE FOLLOWS HIS LEAD AND GRABS SOME CHOLOLATE ,SNAPPING

IT IN HALF WITH TWO FINGERS.THE GIRLS GATHER , TONY AND

SUSAN

FETCH SOME GLASSES FROM THE SHELVES.BEN ARRIVES WITH A

MEAT

CLEAVER IN HIS HAND , HE WIPES THE BLOOD ON HIS BUTCHERS

BIB ,

THEN OPENS THE BOTTLES WITH HIS KNIFE.DRINKS ARE

POURED.THEN

PAUL PROPOSES A TOAST.

Paul:To the best workers a man could every ask for.

THEY DRINK THE TOAST

Paul:I've got your checks here , you'll all be paid what's due and

a

bonus too as you are the flagship shop.

THE CHECKS ARE HANDED OUT , THE GIRLS DON'T KNOW WHAT TO

SAY.

Gertie:Thanks , Paul.We all have had a happy time working here.

Ben:You like my family.

Gertie:Yes one big happy family.

AT THAT MOMENT THE DOOR SWING OPEN , BILL THE DRIVER FOR

BLAIRS

COMES IN , HE HAS A BLACK EYE.THE GIRLS COO AROUND HIM

Jenny:What happened?

Bill:The wife hit me she wants a divorce.

GERTIE WHISPERS TO BERNADETTE

Gertie:It took her long enough.

Jenny:The bitch , oh my poor Bill.JENNY EMBRACES THE POT BELLIED , UNSHAVED , ONE EARRINGED

FORM

OF BEN.AS THEY EMBRACE BEN SQUEEZES JENNY'S BUM.BERNADETTE IS

DISGUSTED , SHE WHISPERS BACK TO GERTIE

Bernadette:He's little more than an animal , he looks like a pirate

and

has the manners of a pig.

Gertie:A rabbit from what I've heard.

BERNADETTE DOES NOT UNDERSTAND , TILL GERTIE SAYS "YOU KNOW"

Bernadette:How dreadful, the beast.

BERNADETTE TAKES A LONG DRINK FROM HER GLASS , AS THE THOUGHT

OF

BILL HAS LEFT A HORRIBLE TASTE IN HER MOUTH.

BILL HAS FINISHED GRAPLING WITH JENNY SO HE GRABS A GLASS ,

HE

TAKES HIS YORKIE BAR OUT AND DIPS IT INTO THE WINE , BEFORE

EATING A CHUNK OF THE YORKIE BAR , THEN FINISHING OFF THE

WINE.

BILL THEN BURPS AND SCRATCHES HIS BUM.THEN HE HEADS FOR THE

DISPLAY

TO HELP HIMSELF TO A FOUR PACK.

Bill:Wine is fine , but its for puffs it you ask me.

HE KNOCKS BACK THE FIRST CAN

TONY IS STANDING BY SUSAN , HE PUTS DOWN HIS WINE AND PICKS

UP

A CAN OF BEER INSTEAD.SUSAN SPOTS THIS AND SMILES , SHE

WHISPERS

IN HIS EAR.Susan:No need to do that , you are ALL man.

SHE WINKS AT TONY, HE BLUSHES

Tony:I prefer lager.

SUSAN LOOKS DISBELIEVING

Tony:Honest.

SUSAN STILL LOOKS DISBELIEVING

Susan:You said the opposite in the wine bar the other day.

Tony:I don't remember.

Susan:Liar.

TONY PUTS THE CAN DOWN AND PICKS UP HIS GLASS AGAIN

Susan:I still love you , even if you are a puff.

TONY OPENS HIS MOUTH TO COMPLAIN , SUSAN KISSES HIM , THEY

GET

CARRIED AWAY.BERNADETTE IS AGAIN DISGUSTED.SHE SPEAKS TO

LORRAINE

Bernadette:What is the world coming to sex , sex , sex everywhere.

Lorraine:I must be going to the wrong places.

Bernadette:Have you no shame.

Lorraine:I don't get a chance to have any.I wonder is it my spots

that

put boys off.

PAUL IS NOW TALKING TO GERTIE.

Paul:I tried everything but the competition is so fierce nowadays.

Gertie:You did your best.

PAUL POURS A VERY LARGE MEASURE OF WHISKEY INTO HIS GLASS ,

AND

DRINKS IT BEFORE REFILLING IT.

Gertie:Steady on there , you're driving.Paul:I feel like a failure , I feel terrible , I don't think I'll

ever

be happy again.

BEN HAS HAD HIS BACK TO THEM WHILE THEY TALK , HE HEARS THIS

Ben:You no well , I give you soup make you feel very well.It old

Chine

receipe.My grandmother teach it me.You wait her I fetch .I give

it

to you , to everybody.

BEN GOES AWAY TO FETCH HIS SOUP.ONE OR TWO CUSTOMERS FILTER

IN

AND JOIN THE PARTY

Paul:He's a nice person , he likes to help everybody , but not

even his

soup will help.I feel a failure.I even tried the pools , in a

vain

hope I'd win.

PAUL IS QUITE DRUNK BY NOW , IT'S MADE HIM MOROSE

JANE THE CLEANER ARRIVES AT THIS POINT , SHE STOPS BY GERTIE

AND

PAUL.

Gertie:Hello , Jane.This one is yours.

GERTIE HANDS JANE AN ENVELOPE WITH THE FINAL CHECK IN IT.

Jane:This is the final payoff I suppose.

Paul:The final payday , my old friend

PAUL IS SWAYING AND HE LEANS ON JANE FOR SUPPORT , HE THEN

SLIDES

DOWN HER BODY TILL HE REACHES THE FLOOR.THERE HE SITS PROPTEDUP

BY THE CASHDESK.

Gertie:If you were younger Jane , I'd be disgusted with the pair of

you.

Jane:Don't be so cheeky , you little monkey.

Gertie:I'm only joking , here have a drink.

GERTIE PASSES JANE A DRINK , BEN RETURNS WITH A BIG SAUCEPAN

OF HIS

SOUP , HE HAS A LADLE , IN THE SAUCEPAN , UP ONE ARM ARE

LITTLE

BOWLS , HE LOOKS THE PART -AS A WAITER.

Ben:I bring soup , you try?

Gertie:Go on then.

Jane:I'll have a little bit too.

Ben:Where Paul?

GERTIE POINTS DOWNWARDS , PAUL IS CRADLING BOTTLE OF JOHNIE

WALKER

BEN SERVES GERTIE AND JANE THEN HE BENDS DOWN TO SERVE PAUL

Ben:You try soup , make you better.

Paul:I'm a failure , I'm going to Spain in disgrace.

Ben:You try soup , you feel better.

Paul:I want to die , just bury me in a bottle , a giant bottle of

this.

PAUL HOLDS UP HIS BOTTLE , AND TAKES A SWIG.BEN PUTS SOME SOUP

IN A

BOWL THEN FEEDS PAUL LIKE A BABY .

Ben:You drink , you feel better.

Gertie:This soup is good .Jane:Here give it to me I'll serve the others while you see to

Paul.

Ben:Ok, first I fill his bowl again.

BEN FILLS PAULS BOWL AGAIN THEN JANE TAKES THE SAUCEPAN AND

BOWLS

JANE THEN SERVES THE OTHERS.(*** NOTE...AS WELL AS THE GIRLS

MENTION

ED THERE WILL BE 5 OR SO OTHERS IN THE BACKGROUND

THROUGHOUT****)

EVRYBODY SAYS "THIS IS NICE AND WORDS LIKE THAT". KEITH ARRIVES

HE LOOKS PUZZLED BY THE PARTY TAKING PLACE.

Keith:What's this , getting drunk at work hey?

Gertie:No, its Paul's idea , he's paid us off so we are having a

party

before we go.

Keith:Don't I get a drink then?

Gertie:Don't I get a kiss then?

THEY LOCK IN AN EMBRACE LIKE SUMO WRESTLERS , BERNADETTE

MAKES

HER WAY THROUGH THE CROWD.SHE IS MUTTERING AS SHE MAKES HER

WAY

Bernadette:It's like Soddam and Gormorra , Tony and Susan are trying

to

eat one another and as for Bill and Jenny , they've

disappeared

into the back of his lorry.I daren't think what they are

doing.

At least you have some sense Gertie.AT THIS POINT SHE ACTUALLY NOTICES GERTIE AND KEITH ,SHE IS

SHOCKED

Bernadette:This is terrible , where is Paul , he must put a stop to

this.

SHE LOOKS DOWN AND SEES PAUL POURING WHISKEY INTO HIS SOUP ,

BEN IS

SITTING BESIDES HIM , BOTH ARE DRUNK

Bernadette:If this is what it's come to then I'm glad we are closing.

SHE GOES OFF IN A HUFF.AT THIS POINT THE BIN MEN ARRIVE , SO

JANE

GIVES THEM SOUP AND A DRINK .THEY CLEAR A LITTLE RUBBISH THEN

JOIN

THE PARTY.THE WINDOW CLEANER ALSO ARRIVES WITH A YOUNG YOUTH

WHO

IS COVERED IN SPOTS.

Jane:Who's the lad.

Window:He's my young lad , he's taking over the business , I'm going

to

Cleaner:retire to Spain.I'm too old to be walking he streets.

WE SEE BERNADETTE WALK PAST AS HE SAYS THIS , SHE IS DISGUSTED

AND

HURRIES AWAY.

Bernadette:I'll get my coat then I'll leave this den of inequity.

THROUGH THE CROWD , LORRAINE SPOTS THE WINDOW CLEANERS SON ,

HE

SEES HER , THEIR EYES MEET THEY ARE DRAWN TO ONE ANOTHER.

Lorraine:Hello , who are you? (SHE FANCIES HIT SOMETHING ROTTEN)

Dennis:I'm Dennis , your new window cleaner.(HE'S SMITTEN)Lorraine:But we're closing down.

Dennis:So I won't see you again.

Lorraine:Well I've got a job in the cake shop upo the road .

Dennis:Well I will see you again , I do all this street.

LORRAINE SMILES SHE IS SO HAPPY , AS IS DENNIS.

Lorraine:Do you want a drink?

Dennis:All right , but I get tiddly really easily.

Lorraine:And me.

THEY SMILE , WE SWITCH BACK TO THE CASH DESK , PAUL IS NOW

ON HIS

FEET , HE IS TALKING TO THE WINDOW CLEANER,IN SLURRED TONES

Paul:So your going to Spain.

W/cleaner:To the Costa Blanca

Paul:I'm going there too , I'll be going into the property

business.

W/cleaner:I'm hoping to buy a little place there.

Paul:Where exactly will you be?

W/cleaner:Pueblo Azul.

Paul:I'm going there!

W/cleaner:That's a coincidence,we'll be neighbours.

Paul:Have you bought yet.

W/cleaner:Not yet.

Paul:Well I can help you there.

WE SWITCH TO THE BACK OF THE SHOP , BERNADETTE IS MAKING

HER WAY

OUT OF THE SHOP , SHE IS PUTTING HER HAT AND COAT ON.SHE IS

VERY

DISGUSTED WITH EVERYBODY.A DRUNKEN SING SONG HAS STARTED.Bernadette:I'll just say goodbye to Lorraine then I'll go home.At

least

she's got some sense.

SHE THEN COMES ACROSS A "SPOTTY ENCOUNTER" , LOCKED IN AN

EMBRACE

Bernadette:How disgusting.Lorraine what are you doing.

Lorraine:I don't know what it's called but its wonderful.

DENNIS AND LORRAINE SMILE SHEEPISHLY.

Bernadette:Well Madame you can come home now ,I'll have a word with

your

mother.

SHE TAKES LORRAINE BY THE ARM AND DRAGS HER AWAY ,DENNIS

IS

SADDENED.LORRAINE SHOUTS BACK TO DENNIS.

Lorraine:I'll see you outside Woolies at 7.30 on Friday.

Dennis:Ok.See you.

WITH THAT LORRAINE DRAGGED BY BERNADETTE LEAVE THE SHOP ,

ON

THE PAVEMENT BERNADETTE BLESSES HERSELF AND SHAKES THE

DUST OFF

HER SHOES BEFORE SHE DRAGS LORRAINE OFF.DENNIS HAS

FOLLOWED

THEM TO THE DOOR HE WAVES GOODBYE.THE "SPOTTY LOVERS" BLOW

KISSES OF FAREWELL.DENNIS'S DAD WALKS UP BEHIND HIM

W/Cleaner:It's lucky we came in here, I've found a bargain .

Dennis:So have I , dad.

HIS DAD LOOKS PUZZLED , WITH THAT THEY LEAVE , PUSHING

THEIRBARROW WITH LADDERS IN FRONT OF THEM.

INSIDE JANE IS TALKING TO BEN

Jane:That soup of your's was very good.What was it?

Ben:Old recipe.In English you call it Rat soup.

Jane:I suppoase it's ok , I mean in the Franco-Prussian war the

French ate

them , that's why they are famous for sauces.They made sauces to

hide

the taste of the rats.

Ben:My Grandmother was in France a long time ago.

Jane:So she do it from there.

A BINMAN COMES UP TO JANE

Binman:We have to get back to the depo now.

Jane:Hang on , you can give me a lift.

JANE DASHES TO GET HER COAT , THE BINMAN HAS A WORD WITH

BEN

Binman:That soup was very good , what was it.

Ben:Rat soup , like the French used to make it.

Binman:Your a joker .

THE BINMAN LAUGHS AND TELLS HIS CREW THEY ALL LAUGH ,

JANE

RETURENS THEN SHOUTS "BYE" BEFORE LEAVING ON THE DUST

CART

THE OTHERS SOON TRICKLE AWAY TILL ONLY PAUL ,TONY AND

SUSAN

ARE LEFT IN THE SHOP. TONY AND SUSAN LOOK DOWN AT PAUL

Susan:He looks so sad , he feels he's a failure.

Tony:He's brilliant at getting drunk.WE LOOK DOWN AT A REALLY SOZZLED PAUL

Susan:He's much to drunk to drive home.

Tony:We cann't just leave him here.

Susan:Why not ring his dad?

Tony:He's dad's so frail he couldn't lift him.

Susan:We could lock the shop then push the keys back through the

letter

box.

Tony:Ok we'll do that.

SO SUSAN AND PAUL TURN THE LIGHTS OFF AND LEAVE THE SHOP ,

LOCKING

IT THEN PUSHING THE KEYS BACK THROUGH THE LETTER BOX.WE

FOLLOW

TONY AND SUSAN DOWN THE ROAD , AS THEY WALK AWAY A MAN RUSHES

PAST

THEM CARRYING A BRIEFCASE.

Susan:He's in a hurry.

Tony:At least we can relax now , for a week before we start our new

jobs.

THEY WAL A BIT MORE DOWN THE ROAD

Susan:Let's just have one last look.

Tony:Just one last look.

THEY TURN TO SEE THE SHOP FOR A LAST TIME , THE MAN IN A

HURRY

IS TRYING THE DOORS.

Tony:I better go back to see what he wants.

Susan:Oh no you don't , Blairs is the past , its the future we have

tolook forward too.

Tony:Oh , if you insist.

Susan:I do.

SUSAN GIVES HIM A PECK ON THE CHEEK , THEN THEY TURN THEIR

BACKS

ON BLAIRS AND WALK AWAY.AS THE CREDITS ROLE WE HEAR SUSAN

SAY.

Susan:You know that man trying the door.

Tony:You think I should go back.

Susan:No , its just that he reminds me of the pools collector.

Tony:No , it cann't be.

FADEOUT...THE END

Tramps ©

by

Michael Casey

Opening Scene

A priest is finishing a service at the back of the

church a tramp is shuffling about as the service ends he starts to

beg. Th priest sees this from the altar and still wearing his

vestments he gives the blessing then he goes straight from the

altar to the back of the church.He takes the tramp by the arm.

Priest:I've given you two pounds already , will you stop pestering

my congregation.

Tramp:I'm saying my prayers.

THE PRIEST TAKES HIM BY THE ARM AND LEADS HIM OUT OF THE

CHURCH , HE THEN POINTS SAYING "GO".

The tramp shuffles along , we are looking over his shoulder ,

we do not see his face.As people walk by they look the otherway or wince even , one "posh" lady dabs her nose with a

handkerchief, another crosses the road , the tramp is very

badly dressed even for a tramp , one arm of his overcoat is

is held on with safety pins.One "dolly bird" on the arm of a

much older man says "Isn't he horrid" and turns her nose

as she wobbles away on stillettos with her "uncle".The

tramp watches them go.

Michael:They calls us tramps,I know we are different, a little

dirty,a little smelly,no polished shoes us.But why be so

hard on us , anybody can be a "tramp",we are not all

alcoholics.If we are then there is a reason for it.We

still have our pride.

(HE WIPES HIS NOSE ON HIS SLEEVE , ONE OF THE PINS GIVES

SO HE HAS TO PULL THE SLEEVE BACK UP)

At least we are not drug addicts ,now they are bad,them

bastards ,they'd kill one of us and sell the body for dog

meat just so they could "experience" their inner self,they

are BASTARDS , I would call them Tramps.

HE WALKS ALONG , HE IS IN THE BACKSTREETS NOW , HE LOOKS

THROUGH A CAFE WINDOW , LORRY DRIVERS ARE INSIDE , IN ONE

CORNER IS ANOTHER TRAMP, HE IS BEING TEASED BY THE

DRIVERS.

Driver:Been in any more fights then?

THE DRIVER PRETENDS TO THROW A PUNCH , THE TRAMP INSIDE

DODGES AND WEAVES , KNOCKING HIS TEA OVER HIMSELF.ALL THE

DRIVERS LAUGH.

Driver:Here, get another and a sandwich.

HE PUTS A POUND COIN IN THE ASHTRAY , THE TRAMP SEARCHESFOR IT.

2nd Driver:Bill , you're an evil bastard sometimes.

Driver:But you still love me.

DRIVER BILL BLOWS A KISS AT THE 2nd DRIVER ,WHO CHASES

HIM OUTSIDE, THEY NEARLY KNOCK MICHAEL THE TRAMP OVER.

THE OTHER DRIVERS LAUGH.HAVING FOUND THE COIN AMONGST

ASH THE TRAMP ASKS FOR A TEA AND BUTTY.MICHAEL THEN

WATCHES THE OTHER TRAMP SIT DOWN AGAIN.

Michael:We are all different , look at Jim there ,he was a

boxer,he just did not know when to stop,one fight too many

A CLOSE UP OF JIM WOLFING DOWN HIS BUTTY AND

SLOBBERING.

and he ended up punch drunk.That was ok as he still could

do personal appearances , he was very popular after all.

FADEOUT ON JIM , THEN WE SEE A SHOP BEING OPENED ,THE

MAN DOING THE HONOURS IS JIM , CLEAN SHAVEN AND IN A

SUIT ,THERE IS A CROWD , WE ARE LOOKING OVER MICHAEL'S

SHOULDER.

Inside The Shop.

Jim:Where's the photographer then.

Mr Singh:I don't know , have another drink.

Jim:I don't mind if I do.

ANOTHER GENEROUS MEASURE IS GIVEN , THE BOTTLE MR SINGH IS

POURING FROM IS HALF EMPTY.

Mr Singh:I'm sorry about this,I'll ring him again.

Jim:I could go straight ahead now , the crowd is quite big.

Mr Singh:No we must have photos , my cousin will get it in the

paper then , we must have the photo.Jim:Quite a business man aren't you.

Mr Singh:I'll go and phone then.

Jim:You can leave the bottle.

MR SINGH WALKS AWAY , MUTTERING IN HINDI , JIM HAS

ANOTHER DRINK , MR SINGH RETURNS.

Mr Singh:His wife says he's at a wedding he'll be here soon.

Jim:What about the crowd?

Mr Singh:You wouldn't mind talking with them?

Jim:For another hundred.

Mr Singh:Fifty.

Jim:Seventy five plus a fresh bottle.

JIM HOLDS UP A NOW EMPTY BOTTLE .MR SINGH MUTTERS THEN

SAYS AS HE SHAKES HIS HEAD.

Mr Singh:OK.

Jim:You're a gentleman.

JIM BURPS , MR SINGH COMES BACK WITH A BOTTLE , THEN

JIM HEADS FOR THE DOOR.AS HE OPENS IT THERE IS A CHEER

FROM THE CROWD , THEY MOVE FORWARD. WE GET A WIDER VIEW

OF THE CROWD , IT IS LARGE , ON THE PAVEMENT OPPOSITE

IS MICHAEL.

Michael:Yes he was liked then , loved even , we all love a

sporting loser.

WE LOOK BACK AT JIM AGAIN.

Jim:I've been having a little drink .

HE TAKES HIS GLASS OUT OF HIS POCKET AND POURS HIMSELF A

DRINK.

Woman:What about us.

Man:Yes , what about us.Jim:I only have one glass , but you can share my bottle.

Crowd:What about us

JIM PASSES HIS BOTTLE TO THE WOMAN.INSIDE MR SINGH IS

WORRIED AND TALKS TO HIS WIFE , THE USUAL INDIAN HAND

GESTURES , HE RINGS THE PHOTOGRAHER AGAIN , AS HE KEEPS

HALF AN EYE ON JIM AND THE CROWD.HIS WIFE FINDS SOME

GLASSES AND GOES OUTSIDE ALL SMILES.

Mrs Singh:Glasses eveybody?

Woman:Give me one , its bad manners to drink out of a bottle.

Man:How about some more to drink?.

Jim:I could do with another.

MR SINGH SEES WHAT IS GOING ON AND SIGHS , THEN GRABS A

FEW BOTTLES OF THUNDERBIRD WINE AND GOES OUTSIDE

SMILING.A CHEER GOES UP AS THE DRINKS ARE PASSED AROUND

THE CROWD GETS BIGGER IN FACT AS PASSERS BY STOP FOR THE

DRINK.JIM WHISPERS TO MR SINGH.

Jim:Can you get me something decent to drink not that stuff.

Mr Singh:Of course sir. (HE IS SMILING THROUGH HIS TEETH)

MR SINGH FETCHES A BOTTLE OF JOHNIE WALKER

Jim:Thanks a lot , you're a gentleman.

Mr Singh:So you said already.

THE PHOTOGRAPHER ARRIVES AND PUSHES HIM WAY THROUGH

THE CROWD

Photo'gher:Gangway.Gangway.

Old Man:Wait your turn , there's plenty to drink.

THE PHOTOGRAPHER GETS TO THE FRONT AND SHAKES MR

SINGHS HAND.

Mr Singh:What kept you "Uddy" ?Uddy:I was using the video stuff for a wedding , everybody

wanted to be the picture so the folks back at home

would see them.

Mr Singh:You can make photos from video too cann't you?

Uddy:I can do video now if you like.

Mr Singh:Go on then the crowd is big enough , thanks to the

free wine

UDDY GOES TO HIS CAR AND FETCHES THE VIDEO , THEN

RETURNS TO THE FRONT OF THE SHOP.

Jim:Are we ready then?

Mr Singh:Yes , can you pose with your hands up.

Uddy:We will say Singh's store is knockout.

Jim:Ok.

JIM GIVES HIS BEST POSE , THE CROWD CHEER AND EGG HIM

ON , WITH CALLS OF "KNOCK HIS BLOCK OFF"

Mr Singh:That's great , how about a bit of footwork.

Jim:Ok then.

Uddy:That's really good.

JIM AND UDDY PERFORM IN FRONT OF THE CROWD , MR SINGH

IS DIRECTING , THE CROWD REALLY ENJOYS IT.JIM STOPS TO

HAVE A DRINK AND KISS AN OLD LADY.BEFORE LUNGING AT

UDDY AGAIN.

Mr Singh:That's really good , have you got the name of the shop

in?

Uddy:Yes , he's still very fit.

Jim:Of course I am , here are catch this.

JIM THROWS A BIG PUNCH , BECAUSE OF THE DRINK IT HITS

UDDY AND HE IS SENT FLYING.*** NOTE: WE COULD SHOW WHAT UDDY CAPTURES ON VIDEO , MIXED

IN WITH THE GENERAL SHOT.***

Crowd:What a punch!

Mr Singh:You clot.

JIM STUMBLES AND HAD TO LEAN ON AN OLD WOMAN , SHE

KISSES HIM.

Woman:If only you did that in your fight against Williams

you'd still be champion.

MR SINGH IS BENDING OVER UDDY ,TRYING TO REVIVE

HIM.JIM COMES OVER TO SEE IS HE ALRIGHT.

Mr Singh:You could have killed him.

Jim:If you just give me my money I'll go then.

Mr Singh:You're joking you nearly kill my cousin ,and you want

money ! Go . Go.

JIM MAKES HIS WAY THROUGH THE CROWD AS THEY GATHER

AROUND THE FALLEN PHOTOGRAPHER.MRS SINGH SLIPS HIM A

FEW NOTES AS HE GOES , JIM LOOKS AT THEM AND PASSES

TO A MAN IN A WHEELCHAIR WHO HAD COME TO SEE THE

OPENING, WITH HEAD HELD LOW HE GOES.

WE SEE A LONGSHOT OF HIM OVER MICHAEL'S SHOULDER.

Michael:That was his downfall.The photographer was ok , and his

equipment , they lent the video to the TV news.Mr Singh

got a lot of free publicity.As for Jim he went back to

work on the buildings.

NEXT SCENE JIM ON THE BUILDINGS , WE SEE HIM BUbMLING

ABOUT , HE KICKS A BUCKET AND IT FALLS DOWN A TRENCH

HITTING SOMEBODY , THE WORKER CLIMBS UP AND CHASES JIM

Worker:Come back you dozey bastard , last week you nearly poisonedus now you try and break my skull

Jim:It was an accident .

HE STILL RUNS AWAY , HE BUMPS INTO THE BOSS , IN HIS

BEST SUIT , TALKING TO THE FORMAN

Forman:You stupid bastard Jim.

Boss:What's going on.

THE WORKER ARRIVES ON THE SCENE.

Boss:Why are you chasing this man , its not a bloody park.

Worker:Just a bit of fun.

Boss:I'll have no fun and games on my site we got fined last

week already for some stupid reason.You're both fired.

Jim:It was my fault, I knocked a bucket down a trench it hit

him.

Boss:Is that right?

Worker:Yes , it was just an accident, I was angry that's all.

Boss:Ok , you can keep you're job , but you are fired.

HE POINTS AT JIM.

Forman:Go to the site office , I'll see you in a minute.

JIM WALKS AWAY

Forman:You won't give another chance will you? He's down on his

luck.You do know who he is?

Boss:I do , but safety is important especially after the fine.

Forman:Ok then , we were finished anyway so I'll go and sort Jim

out then.

Boss:I won a few bob on "Gentleman Jim" when he was in the ring,

put an extra two hundred in his packet , tell him we'll

give him a good reference.

Forman:Ok boss.WE THAN SEE JIM WALK OFF SITE WITH THE LADS WAVING HIM

OFF,THEN THE FORMAN SAYS "BACK TO WORK IF YOU WANT THE

BONUS"

Michael:He couldn't get a proper job after that, he couldn't keep

up with his morgage on his big house so he sold it,he had

to live of his savings , they soon go if you're not use to

leaving like normal people.From the high life to the low

life can be a shock

AS MUCHAEL GIVES THE COMMENTRY WE SEE A MONTAGE OF JIM

BEING SACKED AND BEING TOLD HE IS TOO OLD FOR OTHER JOBS.

WE SEE JIM SELLING A FEW THINGS TO A THINGS TO A JUNK

SHOP , AND LOOKING WITH DISMAY AT THE SMALL PRICE HE

GETS

Michael:So Jim slipped down the snake of life , sometimes he got a

ladder up,but usually he slipped down.One ladder was a TV

interview in the "Where are they Now" series....

WE SEE JIM IN A TV STUDIO , IN A SUIT THAT HAS SEEN BETTER

DAYS

Reporter:Well Gentleman Jim , how are you?

Jim:Fine.

Reporter:And what are you doing nowadays.

Jim:I do the odd thing here and there .

Reporter:But of course.The fight game is very rewarding.

Jim:Not as good as it is now.If only I was twenty years

younger

Reporter:Well we cann't do that for you , but we can show you a

film.

A MONTAGE OF JIM IN HIS FIGHT DAYS IS SHOWN .Reporter:I bet that brought back a few memories.

Jim:It did.

Reporter:It's funny how you don't remember me.

Jim:Should I.

Reporter:Well take a look at this.

THE VIDEO OF MR SINGH'S SHOP IS SHOWN.

Jim:That was an accident , why show that.

Reporter:It was me you hit.

Jim:I'm sorry , but as I said it was an accident.

Reporter:Well thats's all we have time for.

WE SEE JIM SAYING SORRY OVER AND OVER AGAIN , THE

REPORTER IS IGNORING HIM,IT WAS SELF PUPLICITY HE WANTED.

Michael:Yes financially it was a ladder up , but it was a slippery

snake as far as Jim's pride went.Jim went on a binge for a

week afterwards.He missed his morgage repayments on his

smaller house so he found himself on the street.He did

find digs in an old victorian house.

WE SEE JIM IN A BED SIT , HIS PHOTOS ALL AROUND HIM.

Jim:I was champ once , if only I did not waste my money,I

could be another Henry Cooper,he gets paid to smile

nowdays.

HE IS LOOKING AT A PHOTO OF HIMSELF HAVING THE BELT PUT

ON HIM.

Michael:Yes Jim still had his pride,though he had long lost the

money he'd made in the ring.He was in a world of his own

surrounded by his memories.Then a supermarket wanted to

buy the house where he rented a room so a carpark could be

built as well as a bakery for the supermarket.So thelandlord did not let when his tenents left Jim was soon

the only tenent in the whole house.Then the landlord gave

Jim oe500 to get him to leave , Jim took it.

AS MICHAEL NARRATES WE SEE A MONTAGE OF STUDENT TENENTS

LEAVING AND BUILDING WORK GOING ON OUTSIDE , WITH A SIGN

SAYING "EXTENSION TO SUPERMARKET AND A NEW CARPARK TO BE

BUILT" .THEN JIM LEAVING WITH TWO TATTERED SUITCASES AND

BEING HANDED A WAD OF NOTES , BEFORE THE LANDLORD WALKS

TOWARDS THE BUILDING WORKERS AND A BULLDOZER MOVING

FORWARD

Michael:Jim was on the street now , he managed to get into a

hostel but even there he slipped down another snake.

WE SEE JIM IN A HOSTEL AND BESIDES HIM IS A DRUG ADDICT

ON THE NEXT MATRESS, JIM FALLS ASLEEP AND HIS WAD FALLS

OUT , THE ADDICT PICKS IT UP AND SNEAKS OUT.

Michael:A bastard drug addict stole Jim's money , so Jim couldn't

afford to go into good digs now , he had to stay in

hostels.All he has now is a few photos and his memories.

FADEOUT FROM JIM IN HOSTEL BACK TO MICHAEL STANDING

OUTSIDE CAFE LOOKING IN AT JIM.MICHAEL SNIFFS AND WIPES

HIS NOSE ON HIS SLEEVE BEFORE SHAMBLING ON.AS HE WALKS

ON HE EVENTUALLY COMES TO A TRAMP ASLEEP IN THE DOORWAY

OF A BANK

Michael:This is Peter.

A LOUD SNORE AND SNIffLE COMES FROM PETER

Michael:He used to be very respectable.He had a steady job for

years.He came over to England in the Fifties when you

could get three jobs in a day ,"We never had it so good",and it was true.

FADEOUT TO SEE PETER AT WORK IN A STEEL WORKS , PEHAPS

WITH DIFFERNT HAIR STYLES TO REPRESENT THE YEARS PASSING

Michael:He liked his job ,his workmates were his family.It takes

a special kind of man to work thirty years in a

steelworks.They are hard men , but with soft hearts.Peter

never married , its quite common for the Irish , some will

not marry , I think its because others in the family have

lots of children so the quota is used up so some don't

marry .Anyway his workmates were his family, he had two

sisters who he would visit so he was not all alone,but in

the main his workmates were his family.

WE SEE PETER LEAVE THE WORKS AND GO TO PUB OVER THE ROAD.

Michael:Being a single man Peter could let himself go more often.

Several times a year he'd go on a binge and miss

work.There's nothing wrong with that ,after all its as hot

as hell in a steelworks 200 degrees.Peter spent quite a

lot in the pub , he was with his family as he was there.

WE SEE PETER IN THE PUB , FRIENDS SAYING "IN HERE AGAIN"

Michael:The Fifties soon became the Eighties and "Economics" was

the word. (ECONOMICS IS PROUNCED AS A SWEAR)

WE SEE A SIGN GOING UP SAYING CLOSURE OF WORKS.THE MEN

GATHER AROUND THEN GO TO THE PUB .

Michael:The works was to close after over 100 years at that site ,

the plant to be shipped to India so they could send steel

back to us.All a question of "economics" (ECONOMICS IS

SWORN)

WE SEE THE WORKERS SAYING THEIR FAREWELLS AND THE WORKS'GATES LOCKED.

Michael:It was a shock for all of them.Especially Peter , his

family had been split up after all.

WE SEE PETER STANDING OUTSIDE THE LOCKED GATES , TEARS

STREAMING DOWN HIS FACE

Michael:He got bugger all redundancy too , the days of the big

payoffs are over.If you are old you don't need money as

your pension will soon come, so they give you nothing.They

don't say how you are to live for the next ten

years,you're on the srapheap , so much pig

iron."Economics" is just another work for scrapheap.Well I

was telling you about Peter so I'll go on.He went to visit

the works every day.He'd have a drink in the pub with his

friends , with his family.It was like visiting a shrine.

WE SEE PETER GREETING HIS OLD WORKMATES IN THE PUB , HUGS

AND LONG HANDSHAKES.A MONTAGE OF THIS , WITH LESS AND LESS

PEOPLE IN THE PUB.COMMENTS OF "HE'S MOVED SOUTH LOOKING

FOR WORK" AND" HE'S GOT A PART TIME JOB" AND "MY WIFE

SAYS I SHOULDN'T LIVE IN THE PAST"

Michael:It really broke his heart , he had nothing to look forward

to ,his sister asked him to come and live with her and her

family but he said no.His whole world was shattered.

WE SEE PETER LEAVING THE WORKS PUB , AND STOPPING OUTSIDE

THE LOCKED UP WORKS TO BLOW HIS NOSE AND WIPE A TEAR FROM

HIS EYE.

Peter:Why couldn't it wait another ten years , if I had known it

would hurt so much I would have jumped under the roller.

PETER WALKS AWAY SHAKING HIS HEAD , HE IS A BROKEN MANMichael:Peter didn't have his old works pub to visit for long.As

the steelworks had closed then the amount of people going

to the pub had dropped , it was "uneconomic" to keep it

open. (UNECONOMIC PRONOUNCED AS A SWEAR)

WE SEE PETER GOING INTO THE PUB , A SIGN ON THE DOOR

SAYING "CLOSURE ON 9 JUNE".PETER HAS A DRINK AND SHAKES

HANDS WITH THE LANDLORD , ITS A LAST FAREWELL.

Michael:Then another blow for him , Peter read in the paper that

the old works were to be bulldozed to make room for a new

bypass.He had no shrine to visit now , his only comfort

was drink.

WE SEE PETER READING A NEWSPAPER WITH A PHOTO OF THE OLD

WORKS IN IT , THERE ARE TEARS IN HIS EYES

Michael:So Peter ended up living for the pub.He soon forgot to pay

his rent and ended living in hostels.Living with children,

kids thrown out by their parents.

WE SEE PETER IN A HOSTEL , A KID IS SAYING "ALL I DID WAS

PLAY MY STEREO TILL 2AM"

Michael:Peter would manage to get a drink every now and then , he

could pretend he had just finished work and was relaxing.

WE SEE PETER IN A PUB

Peter:I used to be a steel worker.

PEOPLE IGNORE HIM , ONE COMPLAINS OF THE HEAT

Girl:It's hot in here.

Peter:Hot my arse , I had to put up with 200 degrees in a steel

works.Until they sacked me ,over thirty years I did then I

was

on the scrapeheap.Girl's

Boyfriend:Ok pops , I'll buy you a drink.

HE GETS PETER A DRINK ,HIS GIRL SHUFFLES ON HER SEAT

Boyfriend:Here you are then

Peter:Thankyou Sir.

HE RAISES HIS GLASS TO THANK THEM , ONLY TO SPILL A LOT

OVER HIMSELF.AT THE GIRL'S INSISTANCE THE COUPLE MOVE

AWAY.THEN A GROUP OF SOCCAR FANS COME IN , THEY SEE

PETER AND DECIDE TO GET HIM DRUNK

Peter:I was a steelworker ,over thirty years then thrown on

the

scrapheap

Fan:Here have another drink.

PETER DRINKS ,THEN HE IS GIVEN AWOTHER PINT THIS TIME WITH A

FEW SHORTS IN IT.IT SOON GOES TO PETER'S HEAD , HE STARTS TO

SING "DANNY BOY" FIRST IN ENGLISH THEN IN IRISH.EVERYBODY

CHEERS THEN LAUGHS.THE LANDLORD TELLS PETER TO GO FOR HIS

OWN GOOD.SO PETER GETS UP AND STAGGERS OUTSIDE.HERE HE SEES

A CHARITY COLLECTOR.

Peter:I should go home to die , if only I had the fare.

HE LOOKS PAST THE COLLECTOR AND SEES THE IRISH TOURIST

OFFICE , HE LOOKS BACK AT THE COLLECTOR ITS FOR THE GREEN

PARTY

Peter:I'm Green , I'm Irish , give me that money then I'll go

home.

PETER LUNGES FOR THE MONEY , TYHE COLLECTOR SIDESTEPS,

PETER FALLS OVER.A PASSING POLICEMAN WAS GOING TO ARREST

PETER , ONLY THE COLLECTER SAID IT WAS A JOKE.SO PETER JUSTVISITED THE HOSPITAL AND NOT THE POLICE CELLS

Michael:Peter did see the inside of a police station a few times

though .The other winter when we had all the snow.Peter

fell over and was picked up by a policewoman.

WE SEE PETER FALLING OVER , AND THE POLICEWOMAN PICKING

HIM UP.

Peter:Hello Darling will you marry me?

WPc:Where are you going.

Peter:Nowhere.

WPc:Is your hostel near?

Peter:They closed it , the insurance people made them close it

after a fire they had.

WPc:Which one was that?

Peter:In the crypt of the cathedral , the living dead amongst the

dead dead.

WPc:Well you cann't stay out in this weather.

THE WPC RADIOS AND A CAR COMES ALONG , PETER IS TAKEN TO

THE STATION AND PUT IN ONE OF THE CELLS , HE IS GIVEN A HOT

MEAL

Michael:So the police are not all bad after all , Peter often

talks of the time he spent at the "Police Hotel"He's been

a guest of their's quite often.

FADEOUT BACK TO PETER ASLEEP IN BANK'S DOORWAY

Michael:I've got to sign on now ,they make us come every day and

then they grudgingly hand out a pittance only enough for a

hostel and a bite to eat.

WE SEE MICHAEL ENTERING THEN LEAVING THE SOCIAL , HE THEN

SHOVES THE MONEY IN HIS POCKETMichael:Nobody likes us ,people think we are lepers or something

I'm sure we'd getter better treatment if we had that Aids

cold or whatever it is.

MICHAEL WIPES HIS NOSE ON HIS SLEEVE , THE SLEEVE COMES

LOOSE AGAIN ,SO HE ROOTS IN HIS POCKETS , TAKING OUT A

DISGUSTING HANKY AND A HALF EATEN SANDWICH BEFORE FINDING

A PIN TO FIX HIS SLEEVE WITH.A PASSERBY SEES THIS AND

PUTS AN APPLE HE HAD STARTED TO EAT IN A WASTE

BIN.MICHAEL SEES THE APPLE AND GOES AND TAKES IT OUT THE

BIN

WHEN HIS SLEEVE IS FIXED.IN THE BIN WE SEE A PHOTO OF

MOTHER THERESA AND THE CAPTION "NEW HOME FOR THE

DESTITUTE MRS THATHER TO HELP" IN A NEWSPAPER IN THE

BIN

Michael:Nobody loves us , nobody at all, we have no family no

friends , we have nobody at all

MICHAEL MOVES ON , A GUST OF WIND BLOWS THE NEWSPAPER OUT

OF THE BIN AND PAST HIM.MICHAEL WALKS ON AROUND TOWN

BEFORE STOPPING IN A CAVERNOUS UNDERPASS TO SIT ON A BENCH

WE SEE WELL DRESSED PEOPLE OF ALL AGES AND SEXES PASS BY.

WE SEE SHINEY LEATHER SHOES AND BOOTS , THEN SOMEBODY

STOPS TO DO A SHOELACE NEXT TO MICHAEL.WE SEE THE

CONTRAST ,oe120 SHOES AND DIRTY TRAINERS WITH THE SOLE

LOOSE ON ONE OF THEM , NO LACES JUST STRING.MICHAEL GETS

UP AND WALKS ON.*****NOTE WE NEVER SEE HIS FACE****

AN OLD WOMAN GIVES HIM 20P , SAYING "ITS NOT MUCH

BUT..." WE CAN SHOW THE VARIETY OF "LOOKS" HE GETS AS HE

WALKS BY.Michael:I cann't go anywhere I please , I'm not as free as a bird

if I want a drink and I have money I cann't go into any

old place ."We don't want your sort in this

establishment" is what they say.An "establishment" they

say and its usually an overpriced place full of plastic

surroundings.The people are nearly as plastic as their

coffee.

( MICHAEL PROUNCES "ESTABLISHMENT" AS A SWEAR )

HE WALKS ON , PASSING A CHURCH.HE POINTS AT IT WITH HIS

HEAD.

Michael:They are quite good in churches.You always get

something.Though not money nowadays.Just a large sandwich

to eat and one for the road with a bottle of milk thrown

in.Not bad really I suppose.Once though I did get more....

Fadeout to MICHAEL ASLEEP IN A CONFESSIONAL THE ELECTRIC FIRE

ON A PRIEST WAKES HIM , THE PRIEST IS SMILING.

Priest:Time for breakfast , come into the house then you can eat.

MICHAEL FOLLOWS PRIEST AND SITS AT TABLE AND HAS BREAKFAST

THEN WE SEE HIM LEAVING AFTER BREWKFAST WITH THE PRIEST

GIVING HIM MONEY TOO , THE PRIEST IS SMILING.fadeback

Michael:That was a breakfast I'll never forget.I was treated like

a real person not a bag of rubbish.We are still people

despite our looks.

HE WALKS ON BEFORE CONTINUING

Michael:My treasure was Mrs Hastings , I would pass her house and

she would shout till I stopped.She called me "Michael" ,if

it was not for her I think I'd have forgotten my name so

little do I hear it.Now she would feed me and give mesomething for the road.She always said look after

yourself and find somewhere out of the cold.She died

about five years ago so I have nobody to call my name now.

I did follow her advice though she was such a nice woman

MICHAEL WALKS HE IS IN THE COMMERCIAL AREA NOW.NEW

SKYSCRAPERS

EVERYWHERE.MICHAEL REACHES OUT WITH BOTH HANDS TO THEM

Michael:"Progress" they call it. No more old abandoned buildings

where I can have a rest out of the cold and rain when I

don't have money for a shelter.People moan when they see

us in the subways but where else can we go out of the

rain if the abandoned buildings are gone.People like me

will never see the insides of these glass towers.I would

like to look down at myself from one of them.High finance

pays for them not the likes of me.I think its called

"High Finance" because they build so high

WE VIEW MICHAEL FROM HIGH UP AS HE CHUCKLES BEFORE

COUUGHING VIOLENTLY THEN SPITTING INTO HIS HANKEY

Michael:I did once get into one of those big buildings.I got in

via the underground carpark.I made myself a nice bed out

of boxes of paper and I used the mat as a blanket.It was

great.Then in the middle of the night one of the all night

computer workersfound me when he went to get some chips.So

I got kicked out.

I caught a cold that night which I've never lost.All because

of some bastard computer worker.

MICHAEL COUGHS VIOLENTLY AND SPITS BLOOD

Michael:Mind you he did give me some money for chips too.I had tospend the rest of the night in a subway.

MICHAEL WALKS ON.HE COMES TO A LARGE FOUNTAIN IN FRONT

OF THE COUNCIL BUILDINGS.THERE IS A LADY TRAMP THERE ON

A BENCH .THE PIDGEONS ARE ALL OVER HER.PIDGEON MESS ON

HER

Michael:Thats's old Mary there , she does carry her world in

carrier bags.She used to be a secretary in a big company.

When the compamy grew she got left behind , so she retired

early she did not want to learn about "computerised

typing".She got an electric typewriter when she retired,

and a silver salver.....

FADEOUT TO A CLEAN MARY IN HER LOUNGE SITTING IN FRONT OF

HER NEW TYPEWRITER.

Mary:What am I doing to do with myself now I have no work.I

suppose I could keep a diary

MARY STARTS TYPING

Michael:So she kept a diary.But this was not enough.So she started

making reports of her day.Long and detailed ones.

WE SEE MARY TYPING "MONDAY 25 APRIL ROSE AT 8.30 HAD

BREAKFAST WHICH CONSISTED OF BOILED EGG (FREE RANGE) TWO TOASTS

(HOMEMEAL).LOOKED AT NEWSPAPERS , SWITCHED ON JIMMY YOUNG THEN

WENT TO OFFICE.....

Michael:What was a hobby became an obsession.It grew and grew.

MONTAGE OF MARY TYPING , THEN A FOLDER FILLING WITH

DIARY ENTRIES AND REPORTS.

Michael:Then the fuse went on her electric typewriter.

WE SEE MARY TYPING BUT NO RESULTS

Mary:Oh ,something is wrong ,what can it be. (SHE ASKS THE CAT)Michael:She put the typewriter in a bag and the silver salver in

another

WE SEE MARY DOING THIS

Mary:I'll take it to the mender.I better take the salver too just

in case we have unwelcome visitors while I'm out.

SHE'S TALKING TO THE CAT.WE THEN SEE HER LEAVE AND WALK

DOWN THE ROAD TO THE TYPEWRITER SHOP.SHE LOOKS IN THE

SHOP WINDOW SHE SEE'S THE TYPEWRITER BEING

DEMONSTRATED.***NOTE WE COULD HAVE MICHAEL'S

REFLECTION BESIDE HERS,OTHERWISE HE'S UNSEEN IN

MARY'S LIFE.WE SEE HIM AT THE START LOOKING AT HER

AS A TRAMP COVERED IN PIDGEONS AND IN REFLECTION

ONLY******

MARY IS DAZED BY THE DEMO , IT REMINDS HER OF

ALL HER WORKING LIFE FROM EARLY TYPEWRITER TILL HER RETIREMENT

ANOTHER MONTAGE.WITH HER SURROUNDED BY TYPEWRITERS

Michael:Something happened in that instant , her whole life had

been spent with typewriters.

WE SEE MARY WALKING IN A DAZE AWAY FROM THE SHOP TILL SHE

IS SEEN FEEDING PIDGEONS

Michael:So she started her new career feeding the pidgeons.

WE ARE BACK TO MARY AS A TRAMP , IN THE BACK GROUND WE

HAVE PROTESTS AGAINST THE COUNCIL.

Michael:Mary is not really a tramp ,she just stays here all day

then

goes home , thats why she hates people offering her

money.Pehaps she will get her typewrite fixed , one day.

AN OLD MAN ON A BENCH NEXT TO MARY THE TRAMP LOOKS AT THEFOUNTAIN AND SIGHS SAYING.

"THE FOUNTAIN IS LIKE US , ALL OF A RUSH WHEN WE ARE

YOUNG NOW WE ARE ON THE EBB , ALL WE HAVE TO LOOK

FORWARD TO IS DEATH" , WE SEE THE FOUNTAIN RISE AND

FALL .

ITS GETTING DARK NOW ,THAT PART OF TOWN IS QUITE EMPTY.

MICHAEL SMABLES ALONG WITH MARY IN THE BACKGROUND ,HE IS

GOING

TOWARDS THE NIGHTCLUB PART OF TOWN.WE SEE HIM STOPPING AT

TRAFFIC

LIGHTS AND PRESSING THE PELICAN CROSSINGS , PEOPLE IN A CAR

THAT

HAS PULLED UP "TUT TUT" AT THE SIGHT OF HIM .WHEN HE CROSSES

THE

ROAD A MAN GIVES HIM A POUND BEFORE RUSHING OFF.

Michael:He's a Gent I see him quite often in town ,he pops up all

over the

place , he always gives me a pound.I wonder how Lenny is

getting

on ? He's the musical one amongst us, he's almost got a job

too.

MICHAEL WALKS THROUGH THE EMPTY STREETS TILL HE COMES TO A

GIANT

SUBWAY WITH THREE NIGHTCLUBS AND A FIVE STAR HOTEL ON EACH OF

ITS

CORNERS.IN THE UNDERPASS WE SEE LENNY , ANOTHER TRAMP WHO IS

PLAY

ING THE MOUTH ORGAN , HE HAS ONE BLACK EYEMichael:Lenny makes a few pounds by entertaining people .He's got

what you

might call a regular income.He can afford to stay in the

better

hostels and all the time.Some of us sleep rough a few nights

to

save money , we don't like all the questions you get.The mean

well

the Sally Army and the like but they can be nosey.We just

want to

forget ,we don't want old memories brought back to life to

haunt

us.

YOUNG PEOPLE PASS LENNY AND THROW HIM A FEW COINS AS MICHAEL

WATCHES.THE HOTDOG MAN ARRIVES AS HE SETS UP ,HE NODS TO

LENNY

Michael:Lenny plays most of the night here , half pissed kids throw

him

50ps in mistake for 10ps.Lenny can afford to buy a hamburger

then

instead of scrounging a cold one off the hotdog man.It's hard

work

for Lenny as sometimes the kids try to beat him up for fun

when

the night club closes.Nobody helps him then , not even the

hot dog

man.They treat us like anaimals those kids , a few drinks in

themand they think they are gods.I wonder what type of home they

come

from.Anybody can be a tramp ,we are all somebody's brother or

dad

or sister , but to drunken kids we are just targets _

nobodies.

To judge by the looks we get we are dogshit on your shoe.

MICHAEL WIPES HIS NOSE ON HIS SLEEVE THEN HE REDOES THE PINS

HOLDING THE SLEEVE ON , LENNY IS PLAYING STREETS ON LONDON

IN

THE BACKGROUND.

*****NOTE. THAT'S THE ONLY TIME WE HEAR THAT SONG -ITS TOO

OBVIOUS TO

USE IT AD INFINITEM , I'D PREFER CLASSICAL MOOD MUSIC

THROUGOUT

Michael:As for how LENNY became a tramp....

FADEOUT ON LENNY PLAYING , THEN WE SEE HIM ALL SMART IN A JAZZ

BAND

Michael:Lenny played the trumpet ,he once told me he played with

George

Melley , however George Melly is.Lenny tasted the high

life.Lenny

worked odd hours then , same as now, but not in subways.His

name

was "Lenny the Lip" , both for his trumpet playimg and for

his

remarks.

WE SEE LENNY ARGUING WITH ONE OF THE AUDIENCE , THEN THE ONEHE

IS ARGUING WITH GETS UP AND RAMS THE TRUMPET DOWN LENNY'S

THROAT

BUSTING HIS LIP , BLOOD IS EVERY WHERE. MICHAEL COMMENTS

Michael:One night Lenny went too far , he told a drunk to shut up and

the

management did , but Lenny would not let it drop.He asked the

man to come up and play if he thought he could do better.

There was a fight then Lenny's lip was bust.

FADEOUT ON LENNY BEING CARRIED OFF . HIS LIP A MESS

Michael:So Lenny could not play any more as a lot of lip pressure is

needed to play the trumpet.He was lucky though ,he could play

the piano , as like all muscians he knew two instruments.So

he

ended up playing in pubs and for the Darby and Jones clubs.

WE SEE MICHAEL STANDING OUTSIDE A PUB , A MAN GOES INTO IT ,

WE

TRACT WITH THE MAN INTO THE PUB , WE SEE LENNY COME FROM

BEHIND

THE BAR A PINT IN ONE HAND A TRUMPET CASE IN ANOTHER.SEVERAL

PEOPLE COMMENT "IS THE PIANO IN THE CASE" , TO MUCH LAUGHTER.

LENNY SMILES BUT THERE IS PAIN IN HIS EYES.HE CAREFULLY PUTS

THE CASE BEHIND THE PIANO THEN HE STARTS TO PLAY.ROLL OUT THE

BARREL

Michael:It wasn't too bad , but for Lenny it was terrible , he was no

longer" Lenny the Lip" , the top of his tree.He was just a

pub

pianist , and not a very good one at that - by his standards.Every night when he finished Lenny would open case and let

rip

with a blast from his trumpet.but after a minute his lip hurt

too much so he had to stop.Then he'd put the trumpet away

then

he'd leave.

WE SEE LENNY LETTING RIP AS THE GLASSES ARE BEING PUT AWAY

THE LANDLORD SAYS TO HIS WIFE " R.I.P. THE LIP " AS LENNY PUTS

HIS CASE AWAY. AND " HE WAS REALLY GOOD WHEN HE PLAYED WITH

MELLEY"

Michael:Lenny's heart was broken.Jazz had been his life , now he

was a pub entertainer.(PUB ENTERTAINER IS PRONOUNCED AS A

SWEAR)

WE SEE MICHAEL COUGH AND SPIT BEFORE HE CONTINUES

Michael:So naturally he drownd his sorrows , too much in fact, but

he had good reason - his heart was broken

WE THEN SEE LENNY PLAYING AND FALLING OFF THE STOOL

DRUNK, THEN BEING FIRED , HIS TRUMPET THROW OUT THE PUB AFTER

HIM

IT BOUNCES INTO THE ROAD.A PASSING LORRY CRUSHES IT.SO LENNY

TAKES THE SHATTERED TRUMPET AND CRADLES IT IN HIS ARMS AS HE

SITS ON THE PAVEMENT CRYING.

Michael:So with that his career as a pub entertainer was over , he

went downhill from there.He did have a ladder up after the

snake of life had left him with his crushed trumpet.

WE NOW SEE LENNY IN A TRAMP LIKE STATE LOOKING IN THE

GUTTER OUTSIDE THE SCHOOL OF MUSIC.HE FINDS A MOUTH

ORGAN.Michael:With the mouth organ he started a new career , as street

entertainer.(PRONOUNCED AS A SWEAR)

WE SEE LENNY PLAYING THE MOUTH ORGAN IN THE UNDERPASS

Michael:Sometimes the sparkle comes back into Lenny's eye but

he'll nver be" Lenny the Lip" again.So next time you're on

your way home to a dry bed spare a though for us.

AS MICHAEL SHAMBLES AWAY , WE SEE LENNY PLAYING FOR DEAR

LIFE , A YOUTH IS PRETENDING HE'LL PUT A FIVER IN .

Michael:I'll be on my way home now.I've a nice dry spot in an old

warehouse.It might be my last night there, they're

building a new convention center nearby so I'll have to move

on.

I've a chance for some casual work soon too (PRIDE IN HIS

VOICE) a priest said he knows a man who wants some work

done in his garden.I used to be a gardener before , a very

good gardener too , better than those you see on

telly,Percy Thrower God Rest him , used to be a friend , but

that

was long ago before.If only I had a chance I'd show em.I'd

be a TV gardener and I'd be in those high building looking

down, they'd hold the door open for me not kick my arse

and say "HOP IT YOU TRAMP".

HE SIGHS LONG AND HARD THEN SPLUTTERS A LOT

WE SEE HIM APPROACH AN ENORMOUS BUILDING SITE.THERE ARE

ARCH LIGHTS THE WORK IS NON STOP

Michael:They never stop , "progress"(PRONOUNCED AS A SWEAR) they

call it.I hope I can get my bits and pieces out before

they knock my home.IN THE DISTANCE WE CAN SEE A REALLY DECREPID WAREHOUSE ,

AND THERE ARE CRANES EVERYWHERE

Michael:It looks as if they've started already.No consideration.

The woods being burnt too.Hang on there's an ambulance

there , somebody must be hurt.Serves them right for

knocking my home .I'll go a bit nearer and look.

WE SEE MICHAEL MOVE FORWARD , THERE IS A CLUSTER OF

WORKERS IN HARD HATS , THE POLICE ARE HOLDING THEM BACK.

ONE WORKER GIVES MICHAEL A GLANCE BEFORE LOOKING BACK AT

THE UNFOLDING DRAMA

Michael:The ambulance men are carrying a stretcher , the man must

be dead his face is covered.

THE WORKERS EDGE FORWARD THE POLICE WAVE THEM BACK , WE

SEE MICHAEL'S ELBOW PULLED BACK. HE STILL LOOKS ON BUT

SAYS

MichaeL:Hang on , leave me alone , you police always move me on.

ANOTHER TUG AT HIS ELBOW , A GUST OF WIND BLOWS THE

BLANKET FROM THE BODY'S FACE. WE SEE THE DEAD MAN'S FACE

Michael:He looks familiar , it's too far to tell

ANOTHER TUG AT HIS ELBOW , MICHAEL TURNS AROUND.WE SEE

HIS FACE , IT IS THE SAME AS THE DEAD MANS

Michael:I know you , your Mrs Hastings , but you cann't be , you

are dead.

MRS HASTINGS SMILES

Michael:What's going on.

MICHAEL LOOKS BACK TO THE BODY , HE SEE'S THE FACE , WE

SEE A STUNNED EXPRESSION ON HIS FACE

Michael:But , but , that's.....WE THEN HAVE A PANNED OUT VIEW OF THE BODY (MICHAEL)

BEING LOADED ONTO THE AMBULANCE , THE FACE IS COVERED

BY A

POLICEMAN.THE CAMERA PULLS BACK AND LOOKS DOWN , FROM A

HIGH BUILDING AT THE SCENE , ALL IN ONE SHOT.A WORKER

TURNS AND WONDERS "WHERE DID THE OTHER TRAMP GO"

LOTS OF WHITE LIGHT AND A CHOIR SINGING

The End

Contact M G Casey 10 Reginald Rd Bearwood Warley B67 5AQ

Phone 021 429 8576 evenings best

NOTE In staging this it will be similiar to A Xmas Carol

with the "Ghost" sometimes in view but in the main

just voicing over.Michael will have to have a

really good voice ,like Burton , the director will

have fun with this , I think it offers scope.

This will be called "political" but I've just

written it from a tramps viewpoint, when I wrote

the short stort about nine months ago it was as an

exercise to write something different from my

drama short about a computer programmmer.

I am still trying everything to see what I like

and what I am good at.

If you don't like this , then give me a name of

your "worst enemy" then I'll try them.

Thanks for your attention

Michael Gerard Casey

Michael Gerard Casey 10 Reginald Rd , Bearwood , Warley B67 5AQ

Tramps ©(Stage Version)

by

Michael Casey

The stage , in one corner a bench , in another a signpost and a

phonebox.

A doorway of a bank in another , a cafe in the fourth corner.The

scene

opens with the shadow of stained glass window in the centre , church

music

in the background.The rest of the stage is dimly lit.As the spotlight

is

raised on the "church" we see a priest arguing with a tramp.The tramp

is

very badly dressed even for a tramp.He has a cargigan on , with

buttons

done up wrongly , a jacket dirty and one pocket falling off , he has

an

overcoat as well , one arm of which is held om with safety pins.He is

wearing trousers with the flies undone , dirty underwear pokes

through.On

his feet are dirty trainers , the sole of one coming off , so it

flaps as

he walks.The priest is a bit effeminate.

Priest:Go , I gave you two pounds already .

Tramp :I'm saying my prayers .

Priest:You say that at all the churches .

Tramp :I'm very religious .

Priest:Be off with you , you are frightening all my flock .Tramp :I'm hungry .

Priest:I gave you a bottle of milk and a big sandwich .

Tramp :That was before the first service .

Priest:Be off with you , shoo .

Tramp :I'm not a bleeding cat .

Priest:Well just go away , you smell , my flock don't like it .

Tramp :You sound like a bleeding shepherd , where's your dog ?

The tramp looks around and whistles.

Priest:Will you just go !

The priest stamps his foot and points .

Tramp:I was going anyway .

The tramp shuffles off , the priest puts his hands together then puts

on

his best angelic face before disappearing into the shadows . The

church

music raises for a moment then falls away . The tramp looks back at

him .

Tramp:Bleeding poof , all rosary beeds and no balls.

The tramp adds a V sign for good measure.He rattles two pound coins

in his

hand before putting them into his pocket .

Tramp:He calls himself a Christian , he treats me like a leper

.Unclean

unclean.

The tramp sniffs under his arms , then scratches his bum .

Tramp:I had a bath two months ago , the Sally Army insisted in fact .

The Tramp goes towards the audience (WE COULD ACTUALLY MAKE HIM

SMELL) .He sniffs under his other arm.

Tramp:Better than the countyside . Here what do you think ?

At this point he lunges towards the audince , (WE COULD USE A

"PLANT").

Tramp:Too much water is back for you , it washes all the good out of

you.

The tramp fiddles with the safety pins on his coat .Then reaches for

a rag

in a pocket so he can wipe his nose . The rag is disgusting , he

drops it

when he's finished rubbing his nose , then walks a few paces before

coming

back for it .

Tramp:I don't want to loose you , do I .

The tramp then clears his throat and spits (Black Country fashion) .

Tramp:I've caught a cold . It's all these priests kicking me out of

their

churches as soon as they spot me.

The tramp comes to the bench with a bin by it . He sits down .

Tramp:Priests , what a bunch prats , all holy water and "hellos" ,

but

not to me . It's "On your Bike" , or "Here's a quid now get

lost my

ladies are coming " .

The tramp spits again.

Tramp:Not that I'm saying they'll all bad , just some of them , well

that

one anyway , he's a shit . He's all "Love thy neighbour" butwhen I

turn up what does he do . He tells me to go , doesn't he . No

"Sit

at my table , brother " . He knows nothing he's so young , he

looks

as if his barely left his mother's nipple .

The tramp sucks his thumb mockingly.

Tramp:The old priests and vicars treat you better . I once did very

well.

The tramp leans back on the bench and settles to tell his story .

Tramp:I got locked in a church the once . I had found a warm place in

an

old confessional , on the priests side , there was an electric

fire

in there and a packet of biscuits . So I ate the biscuits and I

must

have fallen asleep . In the morning the priest found me , he

did not

say a word only he led me into the kitchen and gave me his own

breakfast . He acted as waiter in fact and said "I hope

everything

is to Sir's satisfaction" , the difference was he gave me a tip

when

I'd finished .That's how priests should be , like that one ,

Fr.Shaw

he said he was from Kerry - I think that's near Newcastle .

The tramp coughs then spits again . A mother with a pram stops and

sitsdown on the same bench on the extreme end , away from the tramp.The

tramp

looks at her.

Tramp:Lets have a look at the baby , is it a girl , I like girls .

The tramp gets up and leans on the pram to look in , the baby cries ,

the

woman jumps up then hurries away with the pram .

He scatches his bum again , then reaches in his pocket for half a

sandwich

and finishes it .

Tramp:What's the matter with her , I like children I wouldn't do it

any

harm.

The tramp sighs , then moves to the bin .

Tramp:Lets's see what's in my larder.

He empties the bin . One of the disgarded items is a newspaper with

the

headline "Mother Theresa Urges Magie to Act" and a photo.The tramp

finds

a half eaten cake and a half full can of coke . He moves towards the

audience .

Tramp:Do you want some ? Well you cann't have any its mine , bugger

off .

He laughs at his own joke .

Tramp:The things people throw away you'd be surprized .

He has his "feast" .

Tramp:I once got a wedding cake , there was a girl crying next to the

binshe cried even more when I took it out . I wonder why ?

He picks his nose and eats it .

Tramp:There's salt in it .

Then he washes it down with a swig of coke , before beltching

loudly .

Tramp:I got this coat in a bin , good isn't it .

He moves towards the audience and puts on his best "catwalk" walk ,

gives

a twirl before sitting down .

Tramp:I was beaten up by some kids that's how the arm got torn . Kids

more

like animals , they get pissed on a weekend then think its fun

to

attack us . I got one of them though , I kicked him right in

the

bollocks , His mates really belted me for that , but what was I

supposed to do ? Sit there and say thankyou . The police found

me

and sent for an ambulance . At the hospital they patched me up

then

kicked me out . They said I smelt too much .

He sniffs under his arms again.

Tramp:I better make a move , I usually get a bite at Tim's cafe .

He moves around the stage a few times till the spot picks out the

cafe .

He gets a tea and a pie , a nod of recognition from the cafe man .

The

cafe is shabby , lorry drivers and all night taxi people use it .Four drivers come in and sit at the other table.

Driver 1:What a stink .

Driver 2:I can smell it too .

Driver 3:It's Fred's aftershave .

Driver 4:Bollocks !

Driver 3:So that's what it is .

Driver 4:It's that bleeder over there .

Driver 1:He shouldn't be allowed in here .

Driver 3:They let Fred in .

Driver 4:Can you give me a break .

Driver 3:Which leg do you want me to drive over .

Driver 4:Ha , bleeding ha .

Driver 2:It's a shame really .

Driver 3:You're joking , they bring it on themselves .

Driver 4:He's right there , he could at least tidy himself up .

The drivers look at him .

Driver 2:The poor bastard .

Driver 3:The idle bastard more like .

Driver 4:What he needs is a bath .

Driver 1:And a shave .

Driver 3:Don't give him any of Fred's aftershave for God's sake .

Driver 4:I think I'll go and let the tires down on your lorry .

Driver 4 gets up and walks away .

Driver 3:I better follow him , he did it the other week .

Driver 3 gets up and chases after driver 4 , the other two laugh .

Driver2

stops at the tramps table and puts a quid on it before leaving

.Driver 3comes back in.

Driver 3:Ken , can I use your phone , Fred's gone and let my tyre's

down.

The tramp smiles when he hears this , the driver sees him so he picks

up

the quid off the table .

Driver 3:George is always giving you money , well I need it more than

you

The tramp gets up to protest .

Driver 3:What you going to do , fight me ?

Cafe man:Give him back his money .

Driver 3:Why should I ?

The cafe man glares.So the driver throws it out of the cafe the

tramp

follows the money out . The cafe dims behind the tramp as he picks up

the

money.

Tramp:I have to put up with that from shits like him , people think

they

can bully me just because I'm down on my luck . The cafe man is

a

good un , he lets me have the leftovers , and he only charges

50p .

He's so much better than smartarses like the driver .

The tramp shuffles on stopping to spit twice , then coming to the

bench he

sits down.

Tramp:People don't care about us , they rush by when they see us orturn

the other way .

A man in a business suit stops by the bench to do up his shoe lace ,

the

tramp gets up and shuffles over hoping to get something . The tramp

stands

behind the business man . As the man does up his shoe the tramp

mimics him

The tramp has to stop suddenly when the man finishes . Then he half

raises

his hand to beg for money , the business man dusts himself off before

giving

a look of disgust then looks at his Rolex before going away. The

tramp

then raises his hand fully in a V sign . Meanwhile the business man

has

stept into some dog mess . The business man cries "Shit oh , Shit

" .

The business man hobbles off shaking his foot .The tramp sits down

again .

Tramp:Serves the bastard right , wouldn't even give me a few bob .

He's

the kind that think I make oe30 a day begging . oe30 my arse ,

more

like oe3 . And that'll only buy one meal , the prices thay

charge in

town , its robbery . And I've been robbed too . Some junkie

stolemy savings when I was in a hostel , the bastard . So I didn't

have

the price for a bedsit then I ended up like this .

The tramp wheezes then spits .

Tramp:This weather is bad for me , I cann't stand the cold . I used

to be

a gardener in a heated glasshouse .

He smile as he remembers his better days , he gets up as if in a

dream he

walks around his imaginary greenhouse .

Tramp:Hello tulips , hello sweet pea , hello roses , hello cabbage

you're

looking a little dry , shall I give you some water ?

He picks up an imaginary watering can and waters here and there , he

is

smiling .

Tramp:Yes I love you , my friends so nice and colourful and sweet

smelling

I was sweet smelling then too .

His face changes now he realises his hands are holding a watering can

that

is no more , nor ever more shall be . He drops his hand , with one he

rubs

his eyes , but tears don't come, he is past tears . He brings out his

rag

with the other hand , he blows his nose hard . There is a large hole

in

the rag .Tramp:It's no use thinking of the past , I'm here now .

Slowly he goes back to his bench then sits down at one end . A couple

come

by and sit at the other end , eying the tramp with unease .

Boy :But we should buy a car .

Girl:No , that money is for a house .

Boy :But if I get a car I can get a better job and that means more

money

for a bigger house and for carpets and things .

Girl:But what if I'm pregnant ?

Boy :But you said you were on the pill .

The boy is shocked and indignant .

Girl:It takes two you know , why didn't you do something about it .

Boy :But its up to the girl .

Girl:Typical . Sometimes I think you men still live in the Stone

Age . You

would soon change your tune if you had babies . If you got

morning

sickness and put on a few stones .

Boy :Don't be daft .

Girl:It's you who's daft , you just don't care , you're only

interested in

yourself . That tramp cares more for me than you do .

The girl points at the tramp then runs off crying , the boy chases

after

her , with cries of "I'm sorry , we won't buy a car with your

mother's

money " and "Are you pregnant , go on tell me " echoing till theydisappear .

Tramp:Kid's they're barely out of nappies and now his girl is up the

spout

The tramp picks his nose then flicks it .

Tramp:That was a good bogey , where's my handkerchief .

He finds his rag then daps his nose .

Tramp:In a way life is like this hanky - all crumpled and full of

snot .

He laughs at his own joke before changing his position on the bench

and

continuing , looking at his rag as he speaks .

Tramp:Life is full of corners and disasters , its never as you plan .

You

survive the crumples and think your clever , then wham you end

up in

the snot .

He takes aim then throws his rag in the bin

Tramp:I might find another one tomorrow , that one was good , I had

it

four months. It dropped out of a gents pocket , I picked it up

and

held it out so he could take it back , he just walked away . So

I

kept it . There was some lipstick on the corner of it but I

didn't

mind , I used to image what type of girl it came from . Fat ,

thin ,

ugly or nice , his wife , his mistress or perhaps his mother .Then

I used to image them kissing me , only it faded away after a

month

or so .

The couple reappear still arguing before exiting again .

Tramp:I wish I had their problems , they don't know how lucky they

are.Its

nice to be close , to have family , friends and "lovers" . I

used to

be a family man , but that was before . I used to be quite a

looker

in my youth . People said I could have been a film star with

my

looks , a Clark Gable or a Sean Connery or even a Harrison Ford

.

The tramp brushes back his hair and dabs his eyebrows . Then he jumps

up

and confronts the audience.

Tramp:I was ! The girls all chased me , I was known as a fancy

dresser ,

heads turned when I entered a room , women used to throw

themselves

at me . I used to jive real good too . The twist was my

speciality .

The tramp does a few steps then stiffens up before heading back to

his

bench .

Tramp:Yes that was before .He looks into space a small smile on his face .

Tramp:That was when I was young , when I was loved , when people knew

my

name , when people were pleased to know me . And now ?

He jumps up off his bench and takes a few steps towards the

audience .

Tramp:Do you know my name , well do you ?

He looks accusingly at the audience , he gives piercing looks at them

,

making them each feel unfortable.Then he moves back to his bench and

sits.

Tramp:No of course you don't , you only came in to shelter from the

rain .

Why should you want to know me . An untidy smelly man , a

walking

scarecrow , even dogs won't lick my hand - so why should any

of you

want to shake it . People used to rush to greet me , "I've

ordered

you a pint" they'd say . And "Have a cigar " , yes I was

somebody

once - people knew my name . That was before , all it took was

a bit

of bad luck , then another bit , till I kept on sliding down

the

snake of life , only in life you cann't role a six to get a

ladder

back up again . There's nobody there to help you once you arein the

pit . I used to have nice things like you .

He gets up again and stands toe to toe with the audience.He eyes them

and

speaks with sarcasm .

Tramp:Nice watch you've got there . A nice dress , an expensive pair

of

jeans , a lovly pair of shoes - real leather no doubt . A nice

top

too , I can see your belly buttom it dips so low . I bet your

bra

cost more than everything I've got , or "Sir's" tie cost more .

Is

Paisley back in fashion ? Well I've got one too !

He rummages in his pocket and brings out a moth eaten Paisley tie

then

with a flourish he puts it on .

Tramp:There, I'm as good as you . I bet I could even steal your girl

too!

The tramp puts his best "come to bed " look on and leers at one woman

.

He is crestfallen again and goes back to his bench.He plays with the

tie .

Tramp:What's that smell ? Its coming from the tie .

He sniffs the tie then licks it , it is jam on it .

Tramp:It's only jam . But if its jam , then there most be something

else

He searches the pocket where the tie was then pulls out a piece oftoast

with jam on . then with realish he eats it .He glares back at the

audience . He turns his back on them as he eats .

Tramp:I know what you're thinking , well you cann't have any , you

didn't

say how much you liked my tie so sod off I'm having it all .

Besides

there's barely enough for me .

He uses the tie as a serviette to wipe his mouth then rearranges his

tie .

Tramp:I used to go to restaurants quite regular , and I don't mean

curry

houses either . I used to go with my wife and the kids . You

didn't

think I had any did you ? Well I did .

He coughs then spits over the back of the bench .

Tramp:We were a happy family , we even went to church quite often .

How

many of you do that ? You only go for a few months so you can

have

your "white weddings" , but you slip up even then and the bride

is

in the club when she has her "white wedding" .

He gets up and pushes his stomach out as he waddles up the imaginary

isle

hands on stomach , and humming the wedding march . Then he sits down

again

Tramp:Then after the "white wedding" , its "piss off" preacher andyou go

back to being "Stars on Sunday" christians . When you get old

and

wringled though you start paying into your "insurance policy"

and

the vicar sees you for the first time in 30 years , save for

the

odd christening or two .

He waves his finger accusingly at them .

Tramp:I even took the mother in law to the restaurant with us , twice

a

month we'd go . It was a real family occasion . We had lots to

eat

and drink aand had lots of laughs .

He shakes his head with longing for the happy days .

Tramp:Now my mother in law won't even recognise me , and if she did

she'd

cross the street to avoid me . And so do you ! Think I'm too

stupid

to notice don't you .

He points accusingly at the audience .

Tramp:I see you crossing the street , afraid to be near me , think

I'm a

leper or I've got this Aids cold or something . Perhaps I

have .

He coughs and spit violently again , then has a fit of coughing with

spit

hanging from his mouth . He daps his mouth with his tie .Tramp:Hey you sexy , showing your belly button do you fancy me now ?

He wheezes again , puts his head between his legs and coughs . He

sits

upright again .

Tramp:Well your boyfriend will be just like me , give it time , say

50 yrs

You'll all be like me , so don't mock me . It's living the way

I do

that speeds things up . Look at me and you'll see yourself ,

you'll

all all get old , get shabby . You look fine now with your

hairdoes

and fine clothes , your gold watches and designer jeans . But

what

about the future . What goes up must come go down . Anyone of

you

could be like me .

He gets up and stands close to the audience .

Tramp:I could be your father , your uncle , your brother , your

husband ,

your lover , how do you treat me if I was ? Would you still

cross

the road to avoid me , or would you help me ? You disown me ,

treat

me like a convict , worse even . I'm a nobody , you don't want

to

see me , you wish I was invisible , you want me to crawl back

intothe cracks in the pavement , then you avoid stepping on the

cracks ,

as if I'm dog shit . I did the same myself when I was like

you , but

now I'm in the snot I wish I didn't . You think I'm a beggar or

a

thief , ok I don't refuse anything but what's wrong with

that ? I

need every scrap that comes my way . As for being a thief I

wish I

was at least I'd have a steady roof over my head and regular

meals ,

I heard prison was good nowdays . You know more about that than

me,

one or two of you look quite shifty , you probably stole those

nice

things you've got , how can younsters like you afford such

things .

He starts to cough again then sits down again , still wheezing . A

young

man walks by and puts some money in the tramps hand then disappears.

The

tramp finishes wheezing and watches the man go away .

Tramp:He's a good lad , he always gives me a quid , turns up from

nowhere

then disappears again . I wish there were more like him .

Instead

of those toffee nosed people in furs who leave churches intheir big

cars and give me looks of disgust , I wonder how much they

give to

their priests . I think those Indian lot are good . I once got

lost

and ended up in an Indian area , so I had a look inside their

temple

it was different from a church , there was no crucifix for

starters.

Whole families were there and it wasn't even a Sunday . They

gave me

lots of sweet tea and a big meal , they were very generous , I

didn't

have the heart to tell them I didn't really like curry , so

I

only had the three portions . Now that's how I should be

treated .

He sits still for a while , then a woman approaches , she is dressed

for

her job - prostitute . He has another fit of coughing now .

Pro :Hello , how are you love ?Looking after yourself are you .I'm

really

buggered myself , I had a customer who must have weighed 17

stones.

He nearly killed me , "men on top" was all he said , he didn't

want

to talk or anything . Just get his money's worth then he left ,

I'msure he's broken one of the legs on the bed . I've already got

a tin

of beans holding up one corner . Talking of beans , he farted

all

the time we were at it - it must have been a nervous reaction ,

I'd

say it was his first time - that's with a professional that

is .

Tramp:I'm fine thanks for asking .

Pro :I've been rushed off my feet lately ,I think it must be the

holidays

there's a lot more trade about . As they say though - make hay

while

the sun shines . Well I cann't stay here all evening I've got

work

to do , I'm trying to make enough for my holidays . Well bye

then.

She walks away , then comes back and takes a fiver from inside her

bra

and puts it in the tramps hand.Then she kisses him on the cheek.

Pro :You always bring me luck , bye then .

Tramp:Thanks.

He watches her walk away , then looks at the money in his hand.

Tramp:How many of you young uns would give me a fiver ?

He holds his hand aloft . Then brings his hand down in one motion to

give

the audience a V sign .

Tramp:None of you . She gave me this , her .He gestures after her .

Tramp:She's a nice girl . You'd call her a tart , a slag , a

prostitute or

a whore . Or a woman of easy virtue if you want to be sarcastic

, a

Noleen No Knickers . Well I'd call her a friend , a help , a

kind

soul - somebody who CARES . She may not look much , but you

cann't

tell by looks . She's not got a nice hairdo , her makeup is

smudged

her stockings are laddered , so would yours be if you took them

off

up to ten times a night if trade is good .

He looks at the audience scanning their faces .

Tramp:How can she do it you say , well so would you if you had to .

What

else can she do , let her children starve ? Yes , she has

children

I've seen her in the park with them when she's not working ,

they

are happy kids so full of life . I don't even remember what

mine

look like , but they wouldn't want to know me now . I only hit

them

a few times , not even hard , but that was too much for their

mother

So I ended up on the street , I only hit them because I was athome

all the time after I lost my job . You'd have done the same .

He scans the audience again .

Tramp:Think you wouldn't don't you ? You think it serves me right the

way

I am now , its what a child beater deserves . It's good enough

for

a wife beater too , I only hit her the once to stop her nagging

,she

kept on nagging "get a job , get a job" , only you're on the

scrapheap

when you're 45 nowadays . Yes I know I look much older but

you

live the way I do then you'd soon look older . I've got no

wrinkle

cream nor hand cream , no lotions and potions ,no skin care

products

nor face massage machines . I've got no built in wardrobe to

hang

all my changes of clothes on . My wardrobe is my back , or a

wire

hanger hanging on a street sign if I'm lucky .

He looks at the fiver in his hand again .

Tramp:She's a good girl , she always has something for me . She must

be

a very good girl to afford this .

He flourishes the fiver and laughs like a drain .

Tramp:She isn't all bad , she's only doing what any mother would dofor

her children's sake . Sure she has swallowed her pride but its

food

you live on , not pride . What use is your pride you cann't

eat it.

At least she's doing something , she loves her children so she

does

her best for them in the only "situation Vacant" there is for

the

likes of her . Talk and having morals are of no use if your

kids

don't eat , don't have any toys to play with .

There is a flash of lightning and a rumble of distant thunder , it

makes

the tramp jump .

Tramp:I better find my bed for the night .

The tramp gets up and makes a few circuits of the stage before

stopping by

the bank.In the doorway are a courting couple .

Tramp:I've slept in that doorway many a night , no girl to keep my

spirits

up either .

He laughs like a drain again .

Tramp:The step is cold but the heat from the central heating inside

does

keep you warm . Those kids don't need it though , they look hot

enough already , they'll get arrested if they carry on so .

He laughs like a drain again , then has another coughing fit , hespits

then wipes his mouth on his sleeve .

Tramp:I think I'll go home then before this rain starts .

There is another flash and a distant rumble , he makes a few circuits

of

the stage talking as he shuffles along.

Tramp:I sleep in the hostels when I have the money , but I don't like

them

the wardens ask too many questions . They are nosey ,wanting to

know

all your business , to know your past , all I want to do is

forget

the past . I've found a few good spots in my time , once I got

into

one of the office blocks . On the ground floor by the lifts I

found

boxes of paper , it said it was computer paper , all I know was

it

made a good bed , I used the doormat as a blanket . I was soon

fast

asleep , but in the middle of the night one of the computer

workers

came looking for his paper and he found me . The bastard threw

me

out , so I hate computers too - he did give me a quid for some

chips

though . But he's still a bastard !

The tramp stops walking he is now by the phonebox and the signpost,clubs

and theatres are indicated on it . There is another tramp busking , a

few

people are listening , they are dressed for a night out.

Tramp:He's good , he makes a few quid , HE can afford the hostels all

the

time . He hasn't got his begging bowl out yet . I better help

him

The tramp gets out a carrier bag from his pocket and starts

collecting

from the people around the busker .

Tramp:Keep playing I'll collect for you .

The tramp then approaches the audience and begs from them .

Tramp:Come on cough up you lot , you don't think they let you sit in

here

out of the rain for nothing do you ? Come on you skinflints ,

you're

as tight as a rocking horse's arse .

The tramp then shames the audience into giving a few pennies .

(NOTE:You

may have to hand out pennies before the show starts , or warn the

crowd)

Tramp:You lot are really mean .

The tramp then heads back towards the busker , he takes the majority

of

the money out of the bag and puts it in his own pocket , then drops

the

rest in the bag at the buskers feet . Then he walks away , we hearthe

busker play Streets of London . The busker is dimmed into darkness

with

his "crowd" applauding .

Tramp:I did the hard work the collecting so I get the most , besides

he

can afford it . You lot think us tramps are all like him ,

showing

"enterprize" , if only it were true .

He makes a few more circuits of the stage talking as he does so .

Tramp:I'll go home now , before I get hungry or else I won't sleep .

I've

got a nice spot in an old warehouse . I've been there for six

months

it's not much but it's home . I won't have it for long though ,

the

council's going to knock it to build a center for the blind

crippled

black lesbian friends of the earth , or something as stupid . I

may

write to them and complain , tell them I'm an endangered

species

a unique example of inner city man . They wouldn't listen so

I'll

not bother ,what do you expect from a bunch of freeloaders , a

bunch

of fat arse egotistic boastful boozers .

The tramp has another fit of coughing .Tramp:I wish this cold would go , it'll be the death of me . Perhaps

I'll

be ok after a nights rest .

The tramp goes to the back of the stage and the lights dim on him ,

after

a few seconds we hear morning birdsong and sounds of demolition . A

man

wearing a safety helmet appears at the back of the stage , as he

walks to

center stage a stretcher bearing the body of the tramp appears .

Worker:Nobody told us he was in there , we were just loading the

rubble

into the dumper trucks when we found his body . He stinks like

hell

he must have been dead a few days .

The stretcher is place center stage , the tramps body had a gash on

the

head , in his hand he is clutching the prostitute's fiver .

The lights dim , echos of Streets of London , the spot picks out the

face

of the tramp as it dims and fades.

The End of Stage Version Of Tramps

www.michaelgcasey.wordpress.com

I am looking for publishers/producers and any media interest.Contact me at michaelgcasey@hotmail.com

Please put a decent subject line. Thanks.

  

 

 

 

 

www.michaelgcasey.wordpress.com

 

I am looking for publishers/producers and any media interest.

Contact me at michaelgcasey@hotmail.com

 

Please put a decent subject line. Thanks.