Teaching
You All That I Know ©
By
Michael Casey
Well
first of all, I don’t know how to use Word, my copy seems to have gone funny,
but I don’t exactly know how to fix it. So while you mock me I’ll teach you all
that I know. It’ll take an hour maybe to write this, and 5 mins for you to read
it. Though as I always say, I talk I don’t write, that’s why there is spit on the
paper or rather the screen. So gather your friends around and then you can skip
all those classes and get to my level, of stupidity. Yes I know what my level
is, and Education does not stop when you leave school, even if it is Medical
school, and yes I can hear the card at the back of the class say I’m a specimen.
Yes, I’m a self-taught writer, I’ll even go as far
as to say it cannot be taught, not unless you are an American and you want to
waste 4 years, and then are exactly the same as the other 200 Liberal Arts
students, who just cannot write. See I’ve butchered you all before I even start.
If you’ve Googled me, I did spend 20 years Listening to BBC Radio 4, the best
speech radio station in the world. And this was before I picked up a pen, I did
read by the yard too, and watch films galore. Being in a large family with
lodgers making it larger too, helped the process. Environment does motive and
makes you remember, not unless you are a
dullard, if I quote Kim who runs the Korean takeaway, it’s his cousin Ku, who guards President Biden now by the way. Then
it still took me a year to learn how to
do it. I knew I was good enough when my 1988 play Shoplife was accepted for the
stage, and yes it wasn’t finally produced. Would you invest £2,000,000 in today’s
money in a new piece, or a Standard? So I’ve been writing for over 33 years now.
Which brings
me to the first thing to “teach” you. The Five Ps as presenters call them. Practice
Prevents Piss Poor Performance. As simple and as easy as that. I was sent on a
Presenting course just before Easter 1998. It took 2 days and my company paid,
to help prepare me for the future, being made redundant. Here’s all I learnt.
Just empty your pockets on a table. Then speak for 1 minute on whatever you
pick up first. Simple easy. Now if you have a few friends around to mock you, and try it for themselves that is
called a learning situation. Take turns, pick a different object and gieve it a
try. You then expand to 2 minutes talk on whatever object has been removed from
your pocket or anybody else’s pocket. Repeat with a lunch break and beer.Then 5
mins talk, you’ll give 15 minutes sniggering time to prepare.
The next
day I had to talk for 15mins, which was optimum time if you remember what JFK
was supposed to have said. Anything should be explainable in 15 mins. Ok, so you
all get it? Me, when it was my 15 minutes of fame, I had everybody laughing, I
did want to learn for comic reasons after all.
I told everybody about my Paris misadventure, which involved food poisoning,
and avec vous des asparin de bas prix, and I ended up with asparin tampone,
which means in a tube, but my French was not up to it, so I was expection
string.
So I had
mastered Speaking, Presenting, Teaching. To prove it I then went on holiday to
Pilsner Czech the home of lager. There I presented for 90 mins off the cuff, to
20 English students. So the training worked. When I got back to StatsMR I wrote
it all up as my Czech Story, and the whole company realised Michael can Write. So
there you go, as Jon the Hippy would say. By the way StatsMR did Market Research
into alcohol sales, and I was born in the shadow of a brewery.
Later in
my life I spent 3 years at Crown Plaza Nec a 4 star deluxe business hotel, I
nuts have had 100,000 min conversations. So I polished my speaking skills and
making people laugh, or stand up skills. Later still in my life I was an Esol
English Teacher in an Islamic School. Did I mention Excellent, Excellent and
Exemplary on my external assessment. So there you go. But the thing is if I can
do it then so can you.
Now I’m going
to teach you Logic next. Ok, if you are in a big family what is it like? Overwhelming?
We let my small sister push Jean the cat out the way and eat kittycat. We
opened the corner cupboard where the
jumpers lived and put every single on her. She could put her arms down as she
had too many jumpers on, she was 6 of 6 after all. She was bright red with10
jumpers on when mum came home from shopping and told us off. You’ll kill the
child she screamed in her Kerry accent, though we could only hear it on the phone,
that’s 20 years later when we actually had a phone. Though this misadventure did not stop us from
folding the sister up and putting on a shelf in a wardrobe and clicking close
the door, and struggling to open the door up again. I did something similar to
Neil at work maybe 30 years later, the temptation was just too much, if I hide
here then jump out. So I locked him in.
I’ve
digressed but I’ve just taught you that if you REMEMBER then you have material
for stories later on, maybe nearly 60 years later on. It just depends do you have
a memory, or have you tried to blot out everything. I seem to have total recall
for stories, anything that does not interest me justy won’t go in. Otherwise
with my 42 years exposure to computers I should have been more than I was. So
shall I finally give you that nougat or is it nugget, whichever is more palatable,
this is all you need to know, save that £40,000 in University fees, and start a
business instead.
Here it
is, the 5 Ws Who What Where When Why. If you apply that to every situation, then
you’ll be a Detective, or you’ve grown up in a big family, with your eyes wide
open. If you take me, Michael Casey as an example, ok a very battered ,cheap and tacky, left over from the pound store example. Then you
can ask Who is Michael Casey, What is Michael Casey, Where is Michael Casey,
When is Michael Casey, and Why is Michael Casey. You have just Spocked me, and
everything is revealed, a bit like opening a
box of chocolates, or undressing me, either to whip me, or to cover me
in ice cream and lick it off, prior to breeding with me.
Ok, did
you just puke, just put your head between your legs and breath deeply, was that
a shock? Have you screamed and locked
yourself in the bathroom. Or are you laughing, and do you want to know me, but
not biblically? I hope you are laughing, Michael Casey the fat silver haired
writer in shades from Birmingham, is how you Google me, or Blacklist me. If you use the tools the 5Ps
and the 5Ws, that will make your life a box of chocolates. Or maybe you want to
undress me, please don’t whip me, not unless it’s whipped cream ice cream.
No comments:
Post a Comment