Excuses, excuses

Excuses, excuses ©

By

Michael Casey

People have an excuse and they have a reason, there is a difference. My dad died so I cannot come to work. As I write that sentence it really does bring back memories, as 16 years ago that was the reason I really could not come to work. So it was a reason, not an excuse.

You’ve been on the pop, so you have a hangover and you wish Death would come as your head feels so bad. The reason why you drunk so much was it was a free bar at your friend’s wedding. Now you regret it, despite the Walker Brothers singing No Regrets on the radio. Shut up you scream at the radio, only this hurts your head even more. Then there is the little matter of WORK. Now you have to think of an excuse for your bad head.

You could say your aunty died and you have to help her husband as he is old and frail. So that’s your excuse or rather your LIE. Luckily nobody keeps track of all the dying aunties you have, or rather all the HANGOVERS you have. Can you see the page go in and out of focus then, you really do have a hangover, you naughty naughty boy. Girls never have hangovers, the reason being they are good girls, or that they only drink champagne.

You go to work and you have the wrong shoes on, or rather two different coloured shoes. You got dressed in the dark so as not to disturb your champagne drinking girlfriend, she’d kill you if you woke her up, you’d give her a hangover. So you get to work and nobody notices your two different coloured shoes. But then you go to Court and the judge notices, I forgot to say you are a Lawyer. Luckily your girlfriend is his niece, so nothing is said in Court. Though months later when its your girlfriend’s birthday her Uncle the Judge sends a magnum of champagne as a birthday present, with a card which says from Uncle Two Shoes. Judges are like Elephants they never forget. A Reasonable Excuse for the card.

Some Reasons are not reasonable, others are. So you don’t go the 2 miles to choir because its too cold, as it is tonight here in Birmingham. So that’s the reason for my girls not going to choir tonight, its not an excuse. There will be an excuse as to why there are no biscuits left when I fancy one with a coffee when I finish talking to you all. Because they were at home instead of out singing, my little pigs have eaten all the biscuits. The only solution is not to have daughters if you want to retain all the snacks in your house.

And on it goes, why is the bathroom all wet. Because you are a hippo dad and splashed too much in the bath. So that’s my excuse they claim. The real reason is because I have daughters who spend forever in the shower or in the bathroom.SCREAM, this piece of writing is interrupted. WHY? Because of post quadruple heart bypass pain and arthritis combined. I’ve had to slap on the Movelat pain killer, it works in 5 minutes whereas Paracetamol takes 30 mins, but you have to watch when and where you use them. Which is no excuse, its a real reason why I might suddenly scream and make the neighbours drop their bottle of milk in the street outside our house. Its also the reason why I’ve not had a holiday in 5 years and maybe even never again.

Speaking of holidays, where did you go and what did you do with that bloke you met at the disco last night? What bloke you innocently reply. What bloke? The bloke who was cleaning your tonsils with his tongue. Oh him. He was a Divinity student. So he was Blessing your tonsils with his tongue? Yes, And where did you go? I waited up half the night. You mean you had a dodgy bum and slept on the toilet. Yes, well kind of. So what about you and that bloke.Who? Him. Who?Him who cleaned your tonsils. Who, he showed me some lighted candles. In a church, I know what you were thinking, you and your filthy metaphor mind.

You get on my wick. I’m sure he got on more than your wick. And in a church too. Its the Church Bar and Restaurant, a deconsecrated church. You think I’d get do dirty things in a church. Never stopped you before in graveyards, the things you’ve done on tombstones. That’s because I have a bad back on account of the big. Big boxes of paper you carry. You are disgusting. If you weren’t my sister I’d never talk to you again. Just like you never talk to mum and dad. Yes but they cut my allowance to 10,000,000 a year so I just had to stop talking to them to teach them a lesson.

And on it goes, reasons and excuses. Just be happy in your life and make love to that somebody special, Korean or Shanghai or English or anything else in between. Live long and prosper as Vulcans do, and they do do, or Dr Spock would never have written that book. But do remember 2 things, always drink champagne and never have a hangover, and the one last thing. Making love in a shoe shop always leads to Hush Puppies, and Judges adore Hush Puppies, it stops them from having hangovers, that’s why they wear wigs.