Naked Sunbathing

Naked Sunbathing ©

By

Michael Casey

Well the sun has got it’s hat on, so my clothes are all off, let the sun bathe me in its rays and banish my arthritis away. After 4 days of pain I’m happy the sun is here after such a hard winter, a very hard and long Winter, so now I can expose my body and lap up the sun. I do of course have a great big lawn, and I can prostrate myself upon it, and worship the sun. Only Totoro our cat wants to sit on my very large posterior, or at least sit in the shade of my, well you know what.

Where I live in the suburbs of Birmingham everybody goes native at the merest hint of the sun, but today over 22degrees, which is almost as hot as the surface of the Sun itself as far as England goes, its let’s get naked time. Grown men put those shorts on, and expose parts that should never be exposed. And it is mainly men where I live. Me I am more modest, so I just check my boundaries before slowly and ever so slowly removing all my clothes till I am butt naked. I do of course leave my socks on, with a pencil and paper stuck down them, you never know when inspiration might strike. Otherwise I am NAKED.

Louise lives at the bottom of my garden, as I know she has a telescope I undress slowly to give her a chance to focus, before bending down to reveal my deep crevice and wiggle. She normally uses it to look at the stars, but instead she looks at my scars. It’s all the stars, or is it scars after all. I know she is looking as I can see the reflection of her telescope from her back bedroom window.

The I lie down, but as I am fat and I lie directly on the grass I get a green stain all over my body, but I don’t care, I got Pears soap on offer at the Co-op. So I sweat and the colour leaves the grass and transfers to my body, as I roll over slowly like a pig on a spit, I am a well sweated pig, but people will be so jealous of my sun tan. Donald Trump will be so jealous when he visits me in Birmingham.

The goggle shop is around the corner above the chip shop, so I just know Donald will come. He’ll forget about being Orange and be Green like me, or rather green with envy because of my tan. He may even try a bit of naked sunbathing alongside me, we can compare the size of our hands. The Secret Service can visit Louise to prevent her using her telescope, but 10 big strong men with bulges will more than compensate for the loss of her telescope for an afternoon.

Totoro comes to lick the sweat between my toes, its like salty crisps for cats, cool cats on hot tin roofs. I suppose I’m like a sweaty kebab now, a green tinged one, rather like the one that gave me food poisoning in Paris back in 1998, I haven’t shared my Paris story have I? It’s hot so I amble back into my house for an ice lolly, there’s nothing more satisfying that a naked ice lolly,or rather having one while you are naked. But be careful where the drips drop or you will be dancing around your garden naked like a Red Indian.

If you go for an indulgent ice cream that is even nicer. However be warned, if you are naked and should you drop some cold cold ice-cream on your naughty bits you will suffer twice over. One because of the cold, and two because Tororo the cat cannot control herself, she will jump paws first on you to lick off the ice-cream. Trust me it hurts, I know to my cost, it’s not just quadruple heart bypass scars I have, but also Totoro the cat after fallen ice-cream scars too.  

Soon I am baked with a oh so bright nose that would put Rudolf or a Meths drinker to shame. The grass beneath me is flattened as flat as after a game of cricket with the Australians, no sandpaper required. The grass has lost all its colour, it’s been transferred to my body. All I have to do is go inside and have a shower. My house key is in my socks along with my pencil and paper, I have to leave the door closed to keep Totoro out while I’m naked sunbathing.

Only my key is not in my socks, so I pull off the socks and shake them, SOCKS, by the way eso si que es, or SOCKS, is the Spanish for that’s it. I just remembered that, so you get a Spanish lesson as well today. Though my lesson was to have a spare key hidden somewhere but not where Papillon hid his “keys”, you should read the book its very good. So what could I do? I tried gesturing at Louise but she just got too excited at the site of a total naked me, now that my socks were off. She fainted and banged the back of her head of the bed and saw stars, real stars, without the use of a telescope.

So I had to climb up on top of the coal shed. Only the coal shed could not take my weight, so I was trapped inside with just nutty slack for company. I repeatedly tried to escape but more and more coal dust rose up and covered me. Finally be rearranging the sacks of coal I managed to escape the coal shed and headed for the back bedroom window. Only at this point Louise re-awoke from her concussion and as she reached for her telescope she was sure she could see a Yeti or the missing link, it was just a very sun tanned and sweaty me covered in grass and coal dust. So naturally after watching for 30 mins, and getting more and more excited she decided it was a burglar in disguise and called the police.

She obviously kept an eye on developments, and fetched her camera, it was too good an opportunity to miss, so long as she used full zoom. Then the Police arrived, Tasers ready. They Tazered me off the roof, and it was as I screamed that Louise recognised my voice. So she rushed down her stairs and climbed over the garden fence. Its Michael she said as she pushed the Police aside. Then she hosed me down with the garden hose to reveal me in full naked glory.

Louise apologized and offered me tea to make up for it. So with the Police departed she removed her clothes and we had tea, she was a secret nudist too, and had decided to come out, finally.