well here's something to make you all laugh and encourage you all to BUY my book
The Butcher The Baker and The Undertaker
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Michael-Casey/e/B00571G0YC
though maybe somebody is just STEALING all the ideas.....
Michael G Casey email michaelgcasey@hotmail.com
They're Knocking Our Street ©
by
Michael Casey
Opening Scene
A busy little street, lined with shops, the butchers, the
bakers and the undertakers.We sweep down the street observing the goings
on, an old woman enters the butchers, we enter with her.
Inside the butcher (17 stones of him) is dancing to a song on
the radio - Rod Steward's "If you think I'm sexy".In one hand a side of
pig in the other a meat cleaver.At the height of the song the butcher
looks leeringly into th pig's face and kisses it.On the walls of the shop
are dozens of pictures of children, some of the photos are turned up at
the edges, yellow with age.The shop is full, mothers, children and old
grandmothers.One child turns to her mother.
Girl:Mom,has he always been so silly?
Mom :Of course,Big Sid is always like this.
Girl:Which one is you?
The Girl is looking at the photos on the wall.Her mother points out an old
faded photo,its when she was a child.At that moment George the gossip and
his" girlfriend" Mrs Brown the widow.Big Sid the butcher greets them.
Big Sid:Hello.
George :Oh hello.
George and Mrs Brown look downcaste.Something is worrying them.
Big Sid:What's up.
Big Sid puts down the side of pig and leans his big paw on the counter.
George :I've got some terrible news, really bad it is.
Big Sid:Go on tell us, we are all waiting.
George :I don't know if I can it's so - terrible.
George reaches for the chair in the corner of the shop and slumps down
into it.The women in the shop gather around and try to console him.There
are mutters of "He's not the same since his wife died".
Mrs Brown:Well I'd better tell you then.
George :Yes you tell him, Brownie.
The women exchange knowing looks when George calls Mrs Brown "Brownie".
Mrs Brown:The street is coming down.
Big Sid:I know.
Mrs Brown and George look amazed.George gets up from the chair and goes
over to the counter, so he can look Big Sid in the eye.
Big Sid:Yes, its falling down, we could do with one or two repairs.Take
the Post Office for example, if the roof is not fixed soon then
the next high wind will have it off.
Customer:Only the other week a slate fell off, it just missed me.
Big Sid:I didn't know that.We'll have to write to them.Somebody could
get hurt.
George :The street is coming down!
Mrs Brown:Being demolished!
Big Sid :What!
A murmur of shock goes around the shop.
Mrs Brown:Yes, its all going to be knocked.My neice Jane works in the
planning office at the council.She even seen the plans.
George :Go on Brownie, tell him everything.
Mrs Brown:The whole lot is coming down to make way for a ringroad.
Big Sid:But they cann't do it.I've been here for over 35 years.
Mrs Brown:Percy has been burying people for 150, him and his family, from
this street.
Everybody is stunned and shocked.Big Sid's face is getting redder and
redder.He is like a volcano about to erupt.
Big Sid:The bastards! If they try and know my shop I'll chop their balls
off.
Big Sid lashes out with his cleaver into the side of pig.He then realises
what he's said, in front of his "girlfriends".He blushes as he takes his
cleaver out of the pig.
Big Sid:Sorry ladies.It's just that I'm so angry.
A frail looking old age pensioner speaks on behalf of everybody.
Lilly:That's ok Sid.The ARE BASTARDS!
Big Sid glows with pride for his "girls".
Big Sid:We'll have to put a stop to this.I'll go and have a word with
Amjit now.Can you and Mrs Brown tell everybody else.We'll meet
tonight in Mark's, I know he won't mind once he hears the news.
Big Sid then strides out of the shop meat cleaver in hand.He walks into
the road straight into the path of a mini.The mini halts and just misses
him.Big Sid just glares at the driver before continuing on his way over
the road.The driver is in shock, a blood smattered man mountain has just
crossed his path,carrying a bloody cleaver. The driver has a fag to calm
his nerves.Big Sid goes into Amjit's grocery store.Patrick the local baker
is also there....
Patrick:So the fete went very well.
Amjit :Very well.
Big Sid looms up and interrupts.
Big Sid:The street's coming down.
Patrick:We know.
Amjit :A few repairs to the Post Office would be good to start with.
Big Sid:I've got no time for your comedy routine.This is terrible, George
has just told me the street's going to be knocked.
Patrick:You're joking.
Amjit :He must have got his wires crossed, he's slipped up once or twice
with his "news".
Patrick:Like when he said we were having a Royal Visitor.
Big Sid:If you to clowns shut up I'll tell you.
Amjit :Go on then.
Big Sid:Mrs Brown's neice works in the planning department at the council
she's seen the plans, there's going to be a road here.Right where
we are standing.
Big Sid gestures with his cleaver, Patrick has to dodge it, the cleaver
is like an extension to big Sid's arm.
Big Sid:The whole street will go, not just one side, as if that wouldn't
be bad enough, no, the whole bloody lot.
Big Sid gestures again, blood dripping from his cleaver.
Amjit :But they cann't do it.
Patrick:My father started his bakery here when he came from Ireland and
you've been here for donkey's years.
Big Sid:Percy's been burying for 150 years from this street.
Amjit :This is terrible.
Patrick:We'll have to have a meeting of all the shopkeepers.
Big Sid:I've thought of that, George and Mrs Brown are going around now.
Patrick:Well the whole town will know be tea time.
Big Sid:This breaks my heart they cann't do it.
Patrick:Where's the meeting going to be?
Big Sid:I said at Mark's, it was the first place I could think of.
Patrick:That's fine, Sid.Everything will be ok, we'll just stick together.
Big Sid:We did wonders for the children's home didn't we, we showed what
we were made of.
Amjit :Now we'll be fighting for ourselves.
Patrick:Ok Sid, we see you at Mark's tonight.
Big Sid:Are you sure it'll be ok? I mean if the street were to go I'd miss
my girls and all their babies.
Big Sid looks like a child who has just broke a favourite toy.
Patrick:Cheer up. We did great for the children's home.So we'll do even
better for ourselves.No need to take your pictures down yet.
Big Sid:You're sure?
Patrick:Of course I am.
Big Sid strides out happy.
Amjit :I hope you are.
Patrick:So do I.What else can I say, just look at him he's the biggest
kid of them all.It'd break his heart to be parted from his girls
and their babies.
Amjit :Your right there.But what
Amjit is interrupted by a screaming of brakes, Amjit and Patrick rush to
the front of the shop.Outside the car driver had recoved from his first
encounter with Big Sid only to meet him again.Big Sid smiles at the driver
this time, as he has been reassured by Patrick.The smile frightens the
driver, who leaps from his car and heads for the pub.....
That evening the shopkeepers gather at Mark's, the cafe.The tables have
been pushed together sandwiches are ready.
Mark :Well you all know wht we are here.The council wants to knock this
street.
George :Our steet.
Mark :Yes our street.So what are we going to do about it?
Big Sid:I say put the frightners on.
Big Sid takes a cleaver from his apron to emphasis his point.
Patrick:Sgt. Galvin would arrest you then.Even if he did go to school with
me and is almost one of us.
Big Sid:Well what can we do?
Patrick:Well I've been thinking about that all day and I say co-operate.
Monica :You're crazy.
Tracy :Yes crazy.
Big Sid:You said everything would be ok.You promised.
Patrick:When I say co-operate, I don't mean co-operate, I mean
Mrs Brown,George's "girlfriend" interrupts.
Mrs Brown:Sounds very Irish to me.
Big Sid :He's from Kerry, no wonder it sounds daft even for an Irishman.
A chorus of "A bloody Silly idea" goes around the cafe, Patrick has to
wait for it to subside.June (Patrick's) girlfriend sqeezes his arm to show
her support at least.
Big Sid :I've been here 35 years, and Percy's undertakers has been here
150, we are the lifeblood of any community.
Patrick :I know, I know.But if you just let me finish, I'll explain.
Big Sid :Go on then.
Patrick :Business is the lifeblood of any community, its not just the
buying and selling its the friendships, the jokes, the stories,
the shared tears, that's what makes up our street.We all did our
bit for the children's home, now we'll do something for ourselves
and for our children.
June places one of Patrick's hands on her swollen tummy, she is glowing
with pride.
Patrick :I want my children to enjoy this street, I want my child's photo
on Sid's Wall.
Big Sid :I've reserved a place already.
Tracy :All very nice talk, did you get if off the telly.But what are we
going to do ?
June exchanges "daggers" with Tracy, Tracy nearly married Patrick.
Patrick :I was coming to that.Well we co-operate.
Mutters of "his gone daft" go around the cafe.
Mark :Can you come to the point Patrick and forget the blarney.
Patrick:Well, what I mean is that we PRETEND to co-operate, we lull the
workmen into a false sense of security, but all the time we are
slowing them down.
Big Sid:Why didn't you say that in the first place.
Amjit :Because nobody would listen.
Patrick:This is what I've thought of so far,when the workers arrive we'll
welcome them with open arms.We'll sell them food and drink and
beer and socks for their feet.Everything they want we'll give them.
Only we overcharge, the extra will go into a fighting fund,Amjit
will handle that.
Ann :That sounds nasty.
Paul :Sounds ok to me.Pure genius.
Patrick:Somehow I thought you'de approve.
Paul :Just wait till they come into my Betting Shop.You know one of my
regulars is on the council, he owes me a few hundred in fact.
"Smiling Paul" (Who never smiles) flicks through a notebook.
Paul :œ375 to be exact and he's overdue.He always pays up at the end of
every month.When he gets his expenses.
Patrick:I know what's coming next.
Paul :There's bound to be votes in council, I could tell the newspapers
UNLESS he votes against the road.
Monica :That's a horrid thing to do.
Big Sid:So is knocking our street.
Patrick:I say do it.
Mark :Ok we'll vote on it.
In turn Mark points his finger at everybody, They all agreed, some with
a heavy heart.
Amjit :I don't want to depress everybody, but overcharging won't be
enough.
Patrick:I know,it's a delaying action.There are council elections soon so
if we can delay things till then.
Amjit :But what else can we do.
Patrick:A petition of course.
Kang :We poison them.
A gasp goes around the cafe. Has the Chinese take-away man gone mad ?
Amjit :That's a bit much isn't it?
Mark :Not to kill them?
Kang :No, no.They go sick, so they no work for a day.
Patrick:That's brilliant.
Mark :We can take it in turns so they don't suspect.It goes against the
grain, but if Kang will, so will I.
Wayne :I can get them drunk in my pub.That'll be another day sick.
Patrick:That's settled then.We poison them.Percy will think of something
else I'm sure, he's the clever one.Where is he by the way?
Amjit :Somebody must have died.
Big Sid:There's people dying today that have never died before.
Big Sid laughs, the cafe shakes,People smile with relief, their hopes
are rising to save the street.
Tracy :I never saw this side of you before, Patrick.
June :Well your loss is my gain.
Tracy pulls a face,she knows she has missed her chance in nabbing Patrick
June gives Patrick a lingering kiss, watching Tracy as she does so.June
is more than happy with "her" Patrick.
Mark :Ok, can the food retailers stay for a bit when the meetings over.
We'll plan how to poison them.
Kang smiles fiendishly.
Big Sid:I could get some radioactive meat.
Patrick:It takes over thirty years to work.You can mickey some ordinary
meat.
Big Sid:Really, I thought your balls dropped off immediately.
Tracy :You are so crude.
Mrs Brown:Don't be such a child, he's only trying to help.Your picture is
on his wall too.You were a snotty nosed baby and you haven't
changed much in 25 years
Tracy folds her arms and turns her back on Mrs Brown.At that moment Percy
the local undertaker comes in.He is dressed immaculatly as ever.
Percy :Sorry I'm late, only Mrs Jenkins died.
George:I'll have to go to that funeral.
Percy :You'll be about the only one she wasn't liked much, though I won't
speak ill of the dead.
Mark :We have decided on passive resistance.
Kang :WE poison them.
Percy :That'll give me some work at any rate.
Mark :Just so they go sick and cann't work.
Percy :We'll have to do more than that to stop the council.
Patrick:Well I'll ring up the newspaper tonight. One of the reporters is a
customer of mine, he'll love a scoop. Nobody is supposed to know.
Percy :Typical council, tell the electors last.
At that moment Rodney the local traffic warden comes in.He is a wimp who
likes amateur dramatics, so is a "posing wimp".
Percy :What's he doing here, the little sod.Clear off Rodney!
Rodney:Is this a party, why wasn't I invited ?
Percy :Because we don't like little sods like you. You little"government
official".
Rodney:I was only doing my duty.
Percy :He gave Andy a parking ticket for the hearse, there was a deceased
in it!
Rodney:He was parked illegally, on the brow of a hill.
Percy :He ran out of petrol!
Rodney:It could have been an excuse, we hear all sorts of stories in our
line of duty.
Percy :He had a jerry can in his hand he was about to fill the tank, he
even left a note on the windscreen.
Rodney:I've heard all sorts of stories in my time. It's always best to
assume they are lies.
Percy :I surprized you didn't tell him put a seat belt on his passenger in
the back.
Rodney:They are not compulsory yet, except for under fourteens.
Percy :So we were cleared of that charge, seeing as the deceased was 96 !
Rodney:There's no need for all this childish behavour, the law is the law
Mark :Can you two shut up. Rodney we are here to discuss plans to knock
the street.
Rodney:I know about the plans already.
Rodney is all smugg, and starts to help himself to the spread.
Patrick:But how could you know ?
Rodney :The Inspector at the station told me.
Percy :They plan to knock our street and you keep mum.
Rodney :I only heard today, besides it's "official business"
Patrick:We know now, so you can tell us.
Rodney :I don't know about that.
Mark :Here have some cake I made it special.
Big Sid:And some ham, I brought it allong special, its off the bone, as
it should be eaten.
Mark, Big Sid and the others have to coax Rodney into telling all, this
makes Percy feel sick.Patrick and Amjit have to calm Percy.
Rodney :Well just as I was leaving the Inspector came to me and said he
had a special job for me.
Rodney munches away, keeping everybody waiting.
Rodney :This ham is good, Sid. And the cake, Mark.
Mark :What did the Inspector say ?
Rodney :He said it was an important job, only I could do it, it was that
Important. (HE STRESSES IMPORTANT)
Percy :I think your Inspector is a better actor than you.
Rodney :If "He's" going to mock I sharn't tell.
Rodney fills his mouth with more cake and folds his arms defiantly.
Mrs Brown:Oh come on, Rodney. We are sorry, Percy too.
Rodney :Just for you then.Well, he said only somebody of my experience
could do the "assignment".
Percy rolls his eyes and is about to add another acid comment when Patrick
knocks his foot as a signal to be quiet.
Rodney :Well he said he didn't want the workers blocking the whole street
I am to enforce the highway code strictly.
Percy:He'll give tickets to the JCBs and the rollers.
Patrick:What time did the Inspector say this ?
Rodney :Six.
Patrick starts to chuckle, everybody looks on with dismay. He turns to
June.
Patrick:Fr. Shaw.
June :But how?
Patrick:I rang my mother to say we'd be late.
June :So she started the prayers - and rang Fr. Shaw.
Patrick:So he rang the Inspector.
June :God works in mysterious ways.
Tracy :Can you "love birds" let us into the secret. (SHE SAYS TARTILY)
Patrick:Many years ago Fr.Shaw was a priest here, then he went to the
missions for thirty years, now he's back in his old parish.
Mark :So what's that got to do with the Inspector.
Patrick:The Inspector was a teenager around here thirty years ago.
Big Sid:So.
Patrick:At the fete for the children's home we had a police display.
Big Sid:Yes, the police laid it on.
Patrick:And they diverted all traffic to go past the childrens home.
Big Sid:It was very good of them, it only happened at the last moment
though, almost on the spur of the moment.
Patrick:And a police helicopter turned up for half an hour.
Big Sid:It was really good that bit.
June :What Patrick is trying to say is that Fr.Shaw arranged that.
Patrick:You see he's a Jesuit. That's like S.A.S. with rosary beads.
June :The real reason though is blackmail.
Everybody is surprized and confused.
Patrick:Fr. Shaw's bycycle was stolen thirty years ago by a young hooligan
June :It was the Inspector!
Mark :You mean our Inspector is a bycycle thief.
Patrick:He's reformed now of course.But it only needed a bit of gentle arm
twisting to get him to help.
June :He told his men he was testing civil defense plans in case of a
nuclear war.
Percy :I wish all "government officils " were as helpful.
Percy glares at Rodney who is feeding his face like a five year old at a
party.Big Sid has been sitting next to Mathew, who is a fourty year old
"child", as big as an ox but with no mind to go with it.Big Sid considers
him to be the son he never had.
Big Sid:Can you keep a secret?
Mathew :Yep.
Big Sid:OK, we'll move a few cars onto yellow lines when the builders
come.
Mathew :They shouldn't be on yellow lines.
Big Sid:That's right. So Rodney will have to give them tickets.
Big Sid smiles, Mathew looks puzzled then he gets the drift. Mathew
smiles too.
Mathew :Can I tell Patrick ?
Big Sid:No, its our secret. Only we will know.
Mathew :This is naughty isn't it ?
Big Sid:Yes, but we must do it.
Mathew :They won't knock the street then.
Big Sid:That's right, then you can sit in my shop and eat scratchings.
Rodney finishes eating, he has a smeared face.
Rodney:If the street is knocked you'll all be out of work.
Percy :So will you.
Rodney:No I won't, I'll be transfered.
Percy :Ok, Rodney I'll believe you.
Mark :I think we should do more besides the petition and the "poisoning".
Percy :Andy has an Atatri 1040. He could write a leaflet and put pictures
on it.It'd only take an hour or so, then we could print off
hundreds or thousands of them on his colour printer.
Patrick:That's a good idea.I thought he'd given up on computers forever.
Percy :No he still plays with them, he just thinks there's no future in
them, that's why he came back into the family business,computers
are impersonal unlike a traditional family business.
Mark :That's about everything now, so its all decided, we poison them
and get a petition up, Percy here will make leaflets which we'll
all display and hand out.
The meeting breaks up, till only the unwanted Rodney is left sitting
feeding his face... FADEOUT
The next thing we see are two hearses driving along a road, every now and
then they stop and a shadow runs out and rushes up the path of a house.
They are not body snatchers, just Percy and his son Andy doing their bit.
This is repeated several times, the scene fades to daylight and the pair
drive off in their hearses, as the postman appears. The postman scratches
his head, he is confused. With a whistle the postman pops a letter in
a letterbox, he sees a leaflet sticking out, he takes it out to read
before continuing with his round. We read the leaflet which the postman
has dropped on the doorstep. It says "Don't let the council kill our
street ", there is a scetch of the street bordered in black. R.I.P. on
it. We FADEOUT on the postman on his round.
The next scene is a little later, the shop keepers are opening up. They
exchange "Hellos" shouted accross the street in some cases. There is a
noise, a convoy of lorries appear at the end of the street dust and fumes
fill the street , from the smog we see a fuming Big Sid, Percy is by him
Big Sid:I'll fix them bastards, if they think they can knock my shop they
can think again.
Percy :We didn't expect them for a few more days.
Big Sid:They want to rush it before the election, the other lot would
stop it.
Percy :And only because this lot want it.
Big Sid:Leaving us the meat in the sandwich.
Percy :Good job Andy and me spent most of the night handing out leaflets
Percy hands Big Sid a fistful of them.
Big Sid:I'll hand these out to my "girls". It was a real shock for them
you know.
Percy :We will win Sid, we have got to. My family has been here for 150
years, I want to die knowing the business has a future in Andy's
hands.
Big Sid:It's businesses like ours that are the lifeblood of any street.
Percy :You are right there ; I better go now I have to lay out Mrs Tenby.
Big Sid:Bye for now, and thanks for the leaflets.
Percy :I hope it helps.
Sid walks down the road to get a better look at the workmen, he stops
outside the clothes shop Ann and Mary have their noses pressed against the
window. Big Sid shakes his head at what he sees. The workmen are pulling
down the remains of a burnt out warehouse which is at the extreme end of
the street it has been derelict for years.
Big Sid:I wouldn't mind if they just tidied up that mess, we've asked the
council for years.
Big Sid walks away his head held low, he does not see Ann and Mary waving
at him. We switch to inside the shop.
Ann :He looks so sad.
Mary:He's just a big kid himself you know.
They watch as Big Sid disappears up the road and into his shop. They move
away from the window.
Ann :I've never seen Sid look sad.
Mary:Me neither, he looks so helpless you just want to cuddle him, to
mother him.
Ann :What do you know about mothering, or is there something you haven't
told me ?
Mary:You. You have no shame, I'm not like that.
Ann :That's not what Brian told me.
Mary blushes.
Mary:I don't know what you mean. Besides it was only a cuddle, it was a
party after all.
Ann :That's not what I heard.
Mary:Who told you anyway ?
Ann :Brian of course.
Mary:When ?
Ann :The other week. He tried it on with me, saying you were more
"friendly".
Mary:The cheek of him, I'm glad I packed him in.
Ann :I told him I wasn't like you, "I am a good girl" I said.
Mary:You cheeky monkey !
Ann :So when he got carried away I poured his pint down his trousers.
Mary:Never !
Ann :Of course I did, then I asked another boy to take me home.
Mary:You have no shame.
Ann :It's served him right, he thinks all shop girls are trollops.
Mary:Good for you then. But come on be honest did you tell him I was,
well you know.
Ann :Lend me a fiver then I'll tell you.
Mary:Tell me first.
Ann :You will lend me the fiver ?
Mary:Cross my heart.
Ann :And lift and seperate.
Both girls giggle, Mary has her fingers crossed behind her back.
Ann :No, of course I didn't say that about you. You're like a sister to
me.
Mary:I knew you wouldn 't dare.
Ann :Can I have the fiver now I want to buy some makeup.
Mary:Try polly filler, your getting no fiver off me.
Ann :You promised.
Mary:I had my fingers crossed.
Ann :You little bitch.
Mary:Well Miss Denkin, can you open the shop , it is after nine.
Mary walks to the back of the shop, Ann puts her tongue out then opens
the shop.
Ann :Do you think the street will be saved ?
Mary:I hope so.
Ann :Patrick was so masterful, I wish I was June.
Mary:You mean pregnant with no ring on your finger.
Ann pulls a face, Mary smiles sweetly like a nun.
Ann :They are going to be married. They just got carried away, I would
for somebody like Patrick. It's the way he looks into your eyes when
he speaks, as if you are the only woman in the world. He looks nice
when he shaves and wears a suit too.
Mary:I know what you mean, he is a real dish. Better still he's not one
of these men in love with themselves.
They sigh simultaneously.
Mary:Where have all the real men gone ?
No sooner are the words out of her mouth than a workman appears in the
doorway, he comes into the shop. Both girls gape open mouthed. Mary is
about to move forward to serve him when Ann barges forward , she wants
to serve the muscle bound workman.
Ann :Can I help you, Sir ?
Workman:Can I have a pair of socks please ?
Ann :Certainly , Sir.
Mary comes up behind Ann to whisper
Mary :Remember the meeting yesterday, delay and overcharge.
Ann :Oh, yea.
Workman:The socks please ?
Ann :What size ?
Workman:Mens socks, they're all the same size.
Mary :Who told you that ? It's a lie, whoever told you was certainly no
shopkeeper.
Ann :You can strangle your feet with a pair of bad fitting socks.
Mary :They go all red and smelly, then they itch, then.
Ann :Don't go on you'll make him worry.
Workman:Size ten sock then.
Ann and Mary go to the sock sock drawer, barely able to hid their giggles
Ann :Here you are a pair of socks.
Workman:I'll take them with me.
Mary :Oh no you won't.
Workman:I'll pay for them of course.
Mary :Sit down, Ann take his boots off.
Mary is like Barbara Woodhouse, all shouts and hand motions. The shocked
workman sits down. The workman sits down and helps Ann take off his boots
Ann is smiling a lot, feeling his leg muscles as she struggles with one
boot. She falls backwards the workman helps her to her feet. Ann is now
totally smitten by the workman, who is about thirty. She scans his hands
for rings.
Mary :Oh no, just look Ann he's got it.
Ann :Got what ?
Mary :Got IT !
Ann :Not it.
Mary :Yes it.
Workman:What ?
Mary :Not what.
Ann :It.
Workman:It?
The workman looks at Ann.
Ann:It.
The workman looks at Mary.
Mary :It.
Workman:I don't understand.
Mary :Quick get his socks off, I'll get some water.
Mary dashes into the back to get the life restoring water, while
Ann pulls the dirty, hole riddled socks off. She shakes her head then
cannot think of where to put the socks, so she goes out of the shop and
crosses the road and puts them in a wastebin, a passerby winces with the
smell , Ann goes back inside the shop. Mary has the water ready.
Ann :Put your feet in that.
Workman:It looks hot.
Mary :Do you want your feet to turn purple and drop off.
Mary stands threateningly over the seated workman. The workman looks at
Ann for reassurance. She just nods. As he gingerly lowers his feet the
two girls jump on his lap, one one each leg, to force them into the
water.
Workman:Argh, sh, sh, sh, sugar.
He cannot say "shit" in front of the girls so he says "sugar".
He jumps up and the girls fall over, Mary into the spilled water, so
all the back of her dress is soaked, she dashes into the back to cool her
behind. Meanwhile the workman is dancing like a Red Indian up and down.
Eventually he sits down and starts to pull on his boots.
Ann :What are you doing ?
Workman:I'm leaving. You two are crazy.
Ann :But you cann't, if you don't buy anything I'll get sacked, I'm
on my last warning already.
Ann puts on her best sad look.
Workman:Ok. I'll have a pair of socks.
Ann :What size?
Workman:Ten!
Mary returns now, feeling her behind, she whispers to Ann, who has gone
behind the counter to the sock drawer.
Mary :I had to put ice cubes down my knickers, I hope I don't get a
scar.
Ann :Who'd see it anyway - unless Brian was right.
Mary scowls at Ann. Ann goes to give the workman his socks.
Mary :Let me see his feet first.
She looks at his feet. Then she dashes behind the counter and comes back
with some perfume, she tips it over his feet. The workman knocks her
hand so it goes over his shirt as well.
Workman:What's the big idea, trying to make a poof of me.
Ann :I don't think we could do that. (SHE LOOKS LEERINGLY AT HIM)
Mary :Those socks won't do Ann, they don't match his eyes, I'll get
some blue ones.
Workman:Who'll see socks inside my boots.
Mary just looks haughty and takes the socks away and returns with some
blue ones. She pushes them into his face, Ann grabs them and puts them
on the workman. He screams with her heavy handedness.
Workman:Hang on you little bit- (HE'S ABOUT TO SWEAR)
Mary :I hope you're not going to swear, if you do I'll have to ask you
to leave, I won't have my staff swore at.
The workman looks like a guilty schoolboy.
Workman:What about the pong on my shirt. It'll soon disappear on my feet
but I smell like a poof with this on my shirt.
Mary :You are a little fuss pot aren't you. Come on then take your
shirt off.
Mary snaps her fingers, so the workman stands up and takes his shirt off
to reveal a muscled and tanned torse.Both girls gasp, Ann graps a bicep.
Ann :My, you are a big boy aren't you.
Workman:I get plenty of exercise in my job.
Mary :I'll give this a rinse then.
Mary goes into the back, as she walks away a lump slides down the back of
her dress, its an icecube. The workman sees it and is puzzled.
Ann:Woman's problems, its the only thing that helps.
Ann winks knowingly, the workman smiles uncomfortably.
Ann:Tell me about yourself, are you married ?
Ann is still feeling his arm.
Workman:No.
Ann :Engaged ?
Pretending to be nonchalant but her looks are of love.
Workman:No.
Ann :Do you go out much.
Workman:Occasionally.
Ann :Are you going out tonight ?
Workman:You're very direct.
Ann :It's my job to please the customer.
She gives all the come on signs. Mary returns with a drenched shirt.
Ann :He cann't wear that, he'll catch his death.
Workman:It still smells like a poof's shirt.
Mary :We do sell shirts as well.
Workman:A size 17 collar workman's shirt then.
Mary :What colour ?
Workman:How about blue to match my eyes.
Mary scowls, Ann laughs, she is still holding the workman's arm. Mary
returns and throws the shirt at him.
Workman:If you let go Miss, then I'll put it on.
Ann :My name is Ann. Let me help !
So Ann puts the shirt on the workman, but the way she does it is like a
striptease in reverse, she is consuming the workman with her looks. When
she gets to the top buttons, she feels his chest and runs her fingers
through his chest hair, she pretends to swoon at this point. The workman
catches her in his arms. Mary looks on disgusted, she mutters "tart ",
then giggles.
Ann :I don't know what came over me.
Mary :Perhaps its the baby.
Workman:You're pregnant !
Ann :NO OF COURSE NOT.
Ann glares at Mary, before looking the workman in the eye trying to
bewitch him.
Ann :It must be you, you have that effect on me.
Workman:Oh.
Mary :That's œ25 please.
Workman:That's dear !
Mary :We don't sell rubbish.
Reluctantly the workman pays.
Mary :Goodbye, and that you for the custom , come again.
Workman:Bye then.
Ann :Aren't you going to say goodbye to me ?
The workman looks directly at Ann, he quite likes her by now despite the
strange events.
Workman:Goodbye then - Ann.
Ann :That's not a proper goodbye.
Ann then rushes him and gives him a lingering kiss, the workman picks her
up and carries on kissing her, with her feet dangling in mid air. Mary
looks at her watch.
Mary :Break, let him have some Oxygen, Ann.
The pair break.
Ann :I finish at six.
Workman:Ok, I pick you up outside then.
With that the workman finally leaves, Ann sighs.
Mary:What was all that in aid of ?
Ann :Delay him you said.
Mary:You got too carried away.
Ann :He's a dish, he's a real man, real shoulders and muscles not one
of those pansies in shoulder pads and Paisley ties.
Mary:I thought you'd only stop when you'd had his baby the way you carried
on.
Ann :You're crude, its just because I got him and you didn't.
Mary:Just one thing.
Ann :What ?
Mary:Make sure you tell me everything tomorrow, and don't forget to ask
if he's got a brother or a friend.
They both giggle......FADEOUT
We see Rodney the traffic warden prowling around the site , none of the
workers's car are illegally parked so he sulks off to Mark's cafe. We see
him enter then ask for a tea.
Mark :How's life treating you today, Rodney ?
Rodney:Oh fine.
He sounds depressed and looks into his his tea, Mark puts some cake down
beside Rodney, The cake is ignored.
Mark :It's not like you to be off your food, that's Gillian's own cake,
your favourite.
Rodney:I'm sorry its just that I was looking forward to today, I even
sharpened all my pencils and I bought a new biro.
Mark :You mean none of the workmen are illegally parked ?
Rodney:Not one.
Rodney now consoles himself with the cake, he is worse than a three year
old with his sulks and eating habits.
Mark :Never mind perhaps you'll get one after lunch.
Rodney:Do you really think so ?
Mark :You are bound to, workmen always park badly.
Rodney is really cheered by this news.
Mark :Do you want any more cake ?
Rodney:Oh all right then, I use a lot of energy walking the streets.
As Mark gives Rodney more cake, an old woman leaves the cafe, we follow
her up the road and into Big Sid's butchers.Big Sid is talking to his
"girlfriends".
Big Sid:So I may not be here much longer, not only me but the whole
street. We've got a few tricks up our sleeves but the outlook is
grim. We're all going to do our best to delay things, if we can
delay things till the council elections then the whole thing may
be dropped by the new lot who get elected.
His "girlfriends" (all middle-aged women ) tut tut and pass around the
petition, then one of them speaks.
Violet :You've been good to us Sid, and to our children and our grandkids
Big Sid blushes.
Violet :I know how you you accidently make 2lbs of mince turn into 4lbs,
and how you made sure young Jenny didn't go without meat when her
husband was made redundant and she was carrying little Pamela.
Violet points to Jenny holding a very large baby.
Jenny :The doctor said I must have been eating something really special,
Pamela was 14lbs when she was born !
Big Sid glows with pride but is embarrassed too.
Violet :So its up to us to help you now !
Women :Your right, Violet.
Violet :I'm too old to burn my bra, but I can do something that will
help, all I need is some of you girls to cause a distraction.
Big Sid:I hope you're not going to do anything too drastic.
Violet :You've been good to me - to all of us, its the least we can do.
She taps her nose knowingly.
Women :We'll help you, Violet, but what are you going to do ?
Violet :Well I saw an old film on Channel Four about the War and it gave
me an idea.
At that moment one of the workmen comes into the butchers, Violet shuts
up, all the women glare at the workmen. The workman waits his turn, but
Sid serves him first.
Workmen:Thanks for letting me push in , the lads like a bite around this
time everyday.
Sid just looks unsmilingly at him.
Workman:Have you some steak ?
Sid holds up an enormous piece.
Workman:That's fine, can you chop it into little bits.
Big Sid:Certainly , Sir.
Sid lashes out at the steak, wishing it was the workman, then bags it
and hands it to the Workman.
Big Sid: œ15.
Workman:There you are, bye.
Sid does not reply, as the workman leaves the shop he bumps into Mathew
(the street simpleton), he curses Mathew, who's made him drop the meat.
Mathew enters the butchers.
Mathew:He swore at me.
Mathew is visibly upset.
Big Sid:Never mind him lad, I've fixed him already.
Violet :What've you done then, I thought you said you had no steak.
Big Sid:That's special steak, radioactive steak, with added fish bait.
Violet :And you telling me not to go to far.
Big Sid looks like a scolded schoolboy, then he reaches for a bag of
scratchings then throws then at Mathew who is still downhearted.
Big Sid:Eat those, lad, we've a job to do at dinner time.
Violet :Sid, just what are you up to.
Big Sid:You'll find out later.
Violet :Well so will you. Come on girls, let's do our mission impossible
With that Violet leaves with Jenny and baby and the old uns, Mathew is
happy eating his scratchings and offers one to Sid who is scratching his
head, mystified at what's Violet's up to.
In the street Violet and the ladies walk towards the wasteland
Lillie:So what are you up to then ?
Violet:Remember when we were in the Land Army, and they showed us how to
sabotage a tank.
Lillie:Vaguely.
Violet:Leave it to me, but you'll have to cause a distraction.
Lillie:Then you'll do the dirty deed.
Violet:Yes, but less of the dirty.
Jenny :I could say the baby was sick.
Lillie:That might do, but if the worst comes to the worst then I'll faint
Violet:You did that trick in the War. you were always on your back in one
way or another.
May :That explains her eldest then.
Lillie:I won't do anything if you talk about me like that.
Violet:It's only a joke, saving Sid's shop is the thing.
Violet mouths "its all true " to Jenny who's beside her, Jenny has to
cover her mouth to stop laughing. After a few more moments they arrive
at the site.
May :It will never be the same when these men finish.
The site foreman arrives, to shoo them away.
Lillie:We're having a picnic. (THINKING FAST)
She reaches into her bag and opens some biscuits, offers them to all the
women. The others copy her and take things from their bags and start to
eat them. They barge past the man to an old crate where the site plans
are laid out. Violet throws this on the ground and stands on it then she
takes of her large headscarf and spreads it like a tablecloth, the women
quickly lay the table then even start to make sandwiches. Lillie reaches
into her bag and brings out a lethal knife and starts to spread flora
with it. Jenny is shocked.
Lillie:Its ok. I have it for protection, the streets aren't safe for
attractive women. Sid gave me this years ago.
The site foreman comes forward hoping to retrieve the plans from the floor,
he bends down behind Lillie, she screams.
Lillie:Are you trying to interfere with my seams, young man.
She shakes the knife at him.
Foreman:No, the plans, the plans.
Lillie:Boasting about your evil intentions are you ?
Foreman;No, the site plans.
The foreman points to the plans that she and Violet are standing on. The
other workers wander over to see the fun.
Lillie:I thought it was a piece of old newspaper, you workmen are rough
lot, you should get yourselves a table cloth.
Jenny :And a proper table.
Foreman:Can I just have the plans.
Lillie:Go on, but if you come too close I'll use this.
Lillie shakes her knife at him, a dollop of marg hits him between the
eyes. The workers applaud.
Foreman:You lot get back to work.
He bends to pick up the plans, Lillie steps back on them and Violet melts
into the background clutching a bag of sugar.
Workman:That's torn it.
Foreman :Ha, bloody ha.
Lillie :Language.
Lillie slaps the foreman's face, who goes to punch her but pulls back,
this is a Q for Lillie she lets out a loud scream, then slumps into his
arms. Amid the confusion we can see Violet pouring sugar and a jar of
jam into the petrol tanks of the JCBs.Lillie is laid out on donkey jackets
and Violet finished with her sabourtage pushes her way to the front of the
crowd. Violet takes the cold tea from the hand of one workman and throws
it in Lillie's face.
Violet:Get up sleeping beauty, I can see your knickers.
Lillie is shocked for a second by the cold tea, but still overacting like
mad she staggers to her feet, helped by the foreman, her eyes still half
shut. She opens her eyes to see the foreman looming over her. She goes
to Violet for comfort.
Lillie:Keep him away from me.
Violet:Chance would be a fine thing, and at your age.
Lillie pulls a face, as Violet takes her by the hand and marches off.
Jenny and May grab the scarf full of food and they all leave.The foreman
turns to the workmen.
Foreman:Back to work or you'll never get your bonus. And can one of you
put a "Keep Off" sign up.
As the foreman watches the" girls" walk away we hear Lillie ask Violet.
Lillie:Could you really, see my knickers ?
Violet:Of course not - you haven't worn any since your Land Army days.
(VIOLET SAYS THIS DEADPAN)
We see Lillie pull her hand away from Violet and hear Jenny & baby laugh
We FADEOUT as a workman bangs a hurriedly painted "Keep Out " sign into
the ground.
We next see the workmen in Wayne's pub at lunchtime.One man goes up and
orders for the lads.
Workman:Can I have fifteen pints of bitter please.
Wayne :Certainly I bring them over.
Workman:Thanks.
The workman rejoins his mates, meanwhile Wayne reaches under the counter
for a bottle marked with a skull and crossbones. He puts a pinch of this
into all the glasses before adding the bitter then he loads the pints onto
a tray and brings it over to the lads. As he is putting the last pint on
the table Big Sid enters the pub, he looks shocked at all Wayne's fawning
Wayne:You'll find the beer around here is a bit special. (TO THE WORKERS)
Workman:That's the way we like it. (HE TAKES A SIP AS WAYNE WALKS AWAY)
The workman splutters with the strength, but then smiles and downs half
his pint. Wayne is back by the bar now.
Big Sid:I thought you were going to drink the stuff for them as well, all
the crawling you were doing.
Wayne :Patrick said be nice to them so I am. I have been extra nice too
as you'll see when they leave.
Big Sid:You don't mean the special reserve !
Wayne :Not that but something with perhaps even more kick.
Big Sid:What then ?
Wayne :Sgt Galvin gave me a bottle of poteen a while back, when he got
back from his holidays in Kerry.
Big Sid:I've heard about that stuff, it's lethal, you can go blind if its
not made properly.
Wayne pours Sid and himself a pint before answering.
Wayne :Really. (MOCK SERIOUSLY)
Big Sid:Yes.
Wayne :Pity Sgt Galvin's family make only the best stuff.
Wayne starts to smile, Big Sid cottons on, they both laugh. Then start
on their drinks
Wayne :Terrible isn't it ?
Big Sid:Yes terrible. Do you know what I've done ?
Wayne :What ?
Big Sid:I gave them radioactive meat for their snacks.
Wayne :That's really bad.
Big Sid:It is, I'll have to go to confession.
Wayne :But you're not a Catholic.
Big Sid:I'll just have to have another pint then.
Wayne pours Big Sid another pint and flicks beer at him in mock blessing
Wayne :Go in peace my son.
Big Sid:Thankyou.
Behind Wayne and Big Sid we see the workmen get up leave, one or two of
them are feeling the effects of the spiked drinks already. As they leave
Mathew the street simpleton comes in, he is barged by the same workman
who came to the butchers.The workman swears at Mathew, who is visibly
upset. Mathew goes to the bar.
Mathew :He swore at me again.
Big Sid:Who ?
Mathew :The man from the butchers.
Wayne :Here have this, your usual.
Wayne has poured a pint of lemonade with ice. The drink cheers Mathew up
a little.
Big Sid:Never mind him, we'll fix him tomorrow.
Wayne :What have you got planned ?
Big Sid:Let's say Rodney will be over the moon.
We next see the workers back on site.The two JCbs are tried but they fail
George:Hey my JCB won't work.
Bill :Mine neither.
Foreman:You lot use any excuse to avoid working.
The foreman tries the machines himself.
Foreman:Bugger it , I'll ring Mr stone, you'll have to do what you can
with your pick and shovels.
Fred the workman who has sworn at Mathew now staggers into view, his hat
in hand, then after a few moments he drops his hat.
Fred :I feel sick, I 'll have to lie down.
Foreman:No you don't I've heard that one before.
George:Serve's the bastard right he had the most of the snack, then he
finished my pint in the pub. He's worse than a vulture.
Fred :I really am sick.
Foreman:You don't look sick to me, put your hard hat back on, we were
fined at the last site.
The foreman picks up the hard hat and rams it into Fred's stomach.
This is a mistake. Fred spews all over the foreman.
Bill :He must have really been ill after all.
George:That'll teach the greedy bastard.
The foreman looks disgusted and heads for his Range Rover brushing the
sick from himself.
Fred :I feel a bit better now.
George:Good here's your pick.
George drops a pick on Fred's hobnailed boots. As Fred hobbles about
cursing George , George and Bill walk away. We see Fred over their
shoulders.
George:The foreman had a bit of a cheek.
Bill :Our Michael has no experience, no tack.
George:Being as we cann't work, we may as well have a game of cards.
Bill :Good idea.
Fadeout
The next morning Mary is in the clothes shop, Ann arrives late, she is
taking her coat off as she enters the shop. Mary hounds her as she goes
first to the cloakroom and then back to the shop and puts her working
shoes on, which she keeps under the counter.
Ann :Sorry I'm late.
Mary:It doesn't matter.
Ann :Really ? (SHOCKED)
Mary:What about last night, you and the workman.
Ann :What workman ? (SHE'S TEASING )
Mary:The one you gave artifical respiration to right here. (SHE POINTS)
Ann :Oh, you mean Tony.
Mary:You didn't care what his name was yesterday.
Ann :Oh me and Tone (EMPHASIS ON HER CLOSENESS)
Mary:Come on stop teasing tell me, and don't miss out anything.
Ann :What about customers ?
Mary:Leave that to me.
Mary scribles a note saying "Closed till 10 for staff training", this
she sticks to the door and bolts the door.
Mary:Go on then.
Ann :Well he met me outside. He always keeps a clean pair of trousers in
his car.
Mary:OK, ok so he's got trousers on, get to the good bits.
Ann :Well he asked me where we should go.
Mary:Where did you go then ?
Ann :The Classic on the Templeton Road.
Mary:Isn't that the one with the double courting seats ?
Ann :Really, I never noticed.( SHE'S A BAD LIAR )
Mary:You were too interested in the film no doubt.
They look each other in the eye before collapsing into laughter.
Mary:Go on then I'm only "training" you till ten.
Ann :Well we saw Crocadile Dundee II. That Paul Hogan is so small compared
to my Tone. (SHE EMPHASISES MY TONE)
Mary is in agony now, she just wants to hear the "juicy bits ".
Mary:Come on hurry up it'll be closing time if you don'r get a move on.
Ann :Ok, where was I. (SHE WANTED TO SAVOUR HER MOMENT)
Mary:In the cinema.
Ann :Yes, we went to the Classic on Templeton Road, the one with the
double courting seats, to see Crocadile Dundee II. Did I tell you
how small Paul Hogan is compared to my Tone.
Mary:I don't care less about the film, just tell me about Tony.
Ann :You want to hear the "Juicy bits ".
Mary:Yes, yes.
Ann :Well. (SHE LICKS HER LIPS AND LOOKS AROUND THE EMPTY SHOP, JUST IN
CASE THERE IS ANYBODY ELSE THERE ---THE SHOP IS LOCKED)
Mary:You're such a tease, that's what Trevor said about you.
Ann :What ! Come on tell me what Trevor said.
Mary:You tell me about Tony then I'll tell you about Trevor.
Ann :Promise?
Mary:Cross my heart. (SHE CROSSES HER HEART )
Ann :And lift and seperate.
They both giggle.
Ann:Well, when the cinema lights went down he put his arm around me.
Ann is speaking with a sense of urgency as she wants to know what Trevor
said.
Mary:What straight away.
Ann :Well after a few minutes.
Mary:And.
Ann :The film had started and I was beginning to enjoy it when he slipped
his hand down onto my right breast, from my shoulder.
Mary:Never.
Ann :Yes, but I had led him on a bit in the shop.
Mary:A bit is an understatement. A mile would be nearer the true.
Ann :I suppose so. (SAID MATTER OF FACTLY )
Mary:So what did you do ? Slap his face ?
Ann :Of course not, that would have caused a scene, besides I wanted to
see the film.
Mary:So what else did he do ?
Ann :He kept his hand there all the time. His hands are so big as well.
Mary:Workmen use there hands a lot so they have big hands.
Ann :Anyway so he kept his hand there all during the film.I didn't know
what to watch for a finish, his hand or the film.
Mary:But you enjoyed both.
They both giggle.
Ann :Both were harmless fun.
Mary:I'll bet.
Ann :He made a funny noise too , a kind of lowing like a cow.
Mary:Or a bull. But what else happened.
Ann :The film finished and the lights came on, he still had his hand on
me.
Mary:He's got no shame.
Ann :He was asleep.
Mary:You're pulling my leg.
Ann :He was.
Mary:But how ?
Ann :It was decided at the meeting to poison them wasn't it.
Mary:You mean one of the other shopkeepers did it.
Ann :Yes. He told me after he woke up that one of the workmen , I think
he said his name was Fred, was very ill. The rest just felt tired,
but they couldn't do any work anyway as something had happened to the
JCBs.
Mary:So he doesn't fancy you that much.
Ann :Perhaps your right - I'll ask him tonight when he picks me up.
Mary:You vixen.
Ann :Tell me about Trevor now, you said you would.
Mary:In a minute, did you find out whether he had a friend ?
Ann :I didn't get around to that, what with him falling asleep.
Mary:Well when you do, then I'll tell you what Trevor said.
Ann :But you promised.
It is now after ten and a customer is knocking at the door and pointing
to his watch.
Mary:Let our customer in then, MISS.
Mary goes to the back of the shop in triumphant, a reluctant Ann opens up
fadeout
The next scene is down the road where the workmen are gathered around the
JCBs a mechanic is holding forth....
Mechanic:See this gunge, well its in both of these monsters.
He holds his hand hand up a mixture of jam and sugar and petrol drips to
the ground and splashes the foreman's feet
Mechanic:No way can I fix them here, I'll send for a low loader to take
them away. They'll have to be stripped down and washed out.
Foreman:How long will it take.
Mechanic:A week if you're lucky, you'll have to get some replacements.
Foreman:I may as well pan for gold.
Workman:What shall we do ?
Foreman:Use your picks, you can mark out the area ready for the surveyor
to check.
The workmen all grumble and slowly move away.
The scene switches to up Mark's cafe, we see him looking out his window
as the workmen amble away from the mechanic and foreman. Mark moves away
from the window and goes behind the counter, where Gillian his wife is
drying a few cups. On the wall behind them is a photo of Clement Freud,
Which is signed. Patrick the owner of the bakery comes in.
Mark :They seem to be having a few problems.
Patrick:The more the merrier.
Gillian:I think the JCBs have broken down.
Patrick:We have Sid's girls to thank for that, they put sugar and jam in
the fuel tanks.
Gillian:How on earth did they think of that ?
Gillian finishes the cups then she picks up a poster & adds the finishing
touches, then puts sellotape on the edges.As they all talk.
Patrick;It was something they picked up in their land army days.
Mark :Good for them. we'll have to give them cake and tea to celebrate
Patrick:The workers haven't been in Sid's today so they might suspect him.
Mark :Well I've made a special gravy, its 20% laxative.
Gillian:Why didn't you tell me, I've done the same to the pudding.
Patrick:I do that with June.
Mark :Put Laxative in things ?
Patrick:No, we both do the same thing.
Gillian:It's called love, Patrick.
Patrick:The wedding's fast approaching.
Mark :I've started planning the cake already.
Patrick:Thanks, I'll go and talk to Percy he might have come up with a
few more ideas.
Gillian:Can you put this notice up on your way out.
She passes the poster to Patrick, he looks at it.He reads it aloud.
Patrick:"Roast beef and Yorkshire Pudding with roast potatoes with a rich
pudding and coffee and biscuits only œ3 ".
Mark :It was Gillian's idea originally.
Gillian:Make them over eat then they'll get stitch.
Mark :Sid provided the beef.
Patrick:Radioactive no doubt.
Gillian looks slightly alarmed.
Patrick:It's ok, it takes a long time for it to kill you, besides you'd
have to eat it all the time to get contaminated.
Gillian:But farmers eat it all the time.
Mark :They'll only have a plateful each not a whole carcass.
Patrick:They won't die on you.
Gillian:That's ok then, I only want to inconvience them.
Mark :Or put them in the conviences you mean.
Patrick:I'll stick this up then , bye.
Patrick leaves as he goes out, Mathew comes in with Jaswinder the infant
daughter of Amjit the storekeeper.
Jaswinder:We're having a milkshake.
Patrick :That's nice, don't blow too many bubbles with your straw.
Mathew :I'm paying, my mom gave me money. (HE SHOWS A POUND COIN).
Patrick :Good, but don't hurry it.
Patrick goes outside then sticks the poster up, we see Jaswinder being
put on a stool by Mathew. Patrick then turns then crosses the road, he
walks up the road past all the shops , we see the shopkeepers going about
their business, Patrick nods and waves to them as he goes by. He reaches
the undertakers. Andy the son of Percy is polishing a Rolls outside the
undertakers.Andy is in his early twenties.
Patrick:It's nice to see you carrying on the family tradition. You got
fed up with computers.
Andy :There's more future in this business, there's no heart in comput
ers. (HE SAYS THIS SERIOUSLY)
Patrick allows himself a small smile.
Patrick:Is Percy inside ?
Andy :He's out on a call.
At this moment a hearse draws up and goes into the undertakers yard.
Patrick:That's him now. I'll go in the yard.
Patrick goes in the yard, Percy is getting out.
Percy :Hello, as you're here can you help me take the deceased inside ?
Patrick:Ok.
Percy and Patrick carry a coffin inside, they place it on a slab, then
walk through a passage into the office. The office is very luxurious.
Percy :Thank's a lot, my men are at a service at the moment.
Patrick:It's ok, I am part qualified remember.
Percy smiles.
Percy :You did me a great favour when you stood in for Andy, thank God
he's seen sense. "Computers the future" - my arse.
Patrick:What's this doing here then.
Patrick points to a computer on a table at the side, lots of paperwork
and old journals all about.
Percy :He's still interested. He says he'll put everything on computer
for me. He claims it's be much easier. Lets be comfortable.
Percy motions Patrick to sit down. Patrick sits down on a leather settee
while Percy opens a plush cabinet and brings out a cut glass decanter.
Percy :Do you want some ?
Patrick:It's a bit early for me.
Percy :I need one, there's been a rush on this week.
He serves himself a large measure into a cut glass beaker.
Percy goes behind an impressive desk, he sits down only to discover an
ancient jornal on his chair, he puts it on the desk then sits.
Percy :The sooner he finishes the sooner we'll look respectable again.
Patrick:It's not too bad.
Percy :I don't want clients thinking this is an old junk shop.
Patrick:Well, I only popped in to see if you had any more ideas.
Percy :I have to admit I've had no more ideas. We're doing the best we
can.
Patrick:Well if you think of anything let me know.
Andy comes in the office now.
Andy :Do you want me help with the deceased you've just brought in ?
Percy :It's ok Patrick did it, we'll have to start on the laying out in
a while though.
Patrick:How's the computer going for the undertaking ?
Andy :I've done all the hard work, its just a question of entering it
in. A typist could do that. It's very interesting what you find
out .
Andy looks around then picks up the journal that his father nearly sat on.
Andy :In that one for example we did a funeral for a fiver, that was
over a hundred years ago. You can follow whole families lives in
there.
Patrick:Or deaths.
Percy thumbs through the book, savouring his drink as he does so.
Percy :I haven't looked at this in years, I'll take this to bed with me
it'll be good bedtime reading.
Patrick:I'll be off then, if you do think of anything...
Percy :Oh yes, if I think of anything.
Percy is looking at the journal, he has the look of a man looking at his
old family photo album.He did not look up when he answered.
The scene now changes to dinner time, the workmen are all in Mark's.They
all enjoy the food, Mark and Gillian look on, biting their lips as they
know what will happen.
We switch next to over the road Big Sid is watching the workers as he
stands in the doorway of his shop. Mathew appears.
Mathew :We going to play a trick on them now ?
Big Sid:Yes.
The pair walk as one down the road, they wave to Mark and Gillian as they
pass the cafe, Gillian gives a furtive wave in reply. The workers are
well stuck in and are really enjoying it. Big Sid and Mathew continue
walking down the road. Rodney the traffic warden hurries by muttering to
himself.
Rodney:Not one parking ticket, not one.
Rodney is fit to cry, he blows his nose hard.
Rodney:I'll have a tea to steady my nerves.
Mathew waves to Rodney in greeting but he is unnoticed, Rodney is almost
crying.Big Sid and Mathew arrive at the building site.
Big Sid:All we have to do is lift up the back of the cars then push.
Mathew :Where do we push them to ?
Big Sid:Onto the yellow lines of course.
Mathew :Oh I forgot. (HE LOOKS DOWNCASTE, MATHEW HAS A CHILD'S MIND)
Big Sid:That's ok lad, as soon as we finish I'll get you a pint of
lemonade in Wayne's.
Mathew's face lights up. So together they move cars onto yellow lines.
Big Sid is really sweating, Mathew is giggling a bit he finds it all good
fun, he is even stronger than Big Sid. They come to an estate car and
Big Sid decides he has had enough, Mathew lifts and moves it on his own.
However he drops it and there is a loud crash, the suspension has gone.
Mathew looks anxious.
Big Sid:We better disappear now.
Mathew :Is the car broken ? (HE IS LIKE A GUILTY SCHOOLBOY)
Big Sid:Yes. He won't be taking his girl out tonight.
Big Sid points to a picture on the dashboard. Mathew recognises it as the
worker who called him names. Mathew smiles and slowly walks away. Then
together they head up the road again.
Big Sid:I'll just nip back in my shop and get you some scratchings.
Mathew :Thanks.
Big Sid crosses the road and goes into his shop.
Rodney is approaching, Mathew waves to him.
Rodney:Oh hello, Mathew. (HE IS SAD)
Mathew:Cheer up.
Rodney:I wish I could, its just that I feel I'm letting the Inspector
down. Not one parking ticket for the workers, not one.
Rodney holds up his finger to emphasise the point.
Mathew:When they are on the yellow lines you can give them tickets.
Rodney:But they're not on them ! (HE SHOUTS)
Mathew:I think they're on them now. (TIMIDLY)
Rodney:If only they were on the yellow lines.
Mathew:I think I saw one on the yellow lines. (MORE FORCEFULLY)
Rodney:You what, I mean pardon.
Mathew:I think I saw one on the yellow lines. (STILL MORE FORCEFULLY)
Rodney:When ?
Rodney's eyes are beginning to light up.
Mathew:Oh, just a few minutes ago.
Rodney shows Mathew his watch, it has Roman Numerals.
Rodney:Where was the big hand.
Mathew:I cann't tell the time on that !
Mathew looks at his own watch , a Mickey Mouse one.
Mathew:It must have been a quarter to two.
Rodney:Are you sure ?
Mathew:I can tell the time. (INDIGNANT)
Rodney:That's only five minutes ago. (HE IS GETTING EXCITED )
Mathew:Quarter to two is where Pluto looks as if he bites Mickey's bum.
Rodney:Great.
Rodney starts to move away from Mathew, he shouts over his shoulder.
Rodney:If you're right then I owe you a Milk shake.
Mathew:And Jaswinder? (HOPEFULLY)
Rodney:And Jaswinder .
Rodney then breaks into a trot then a canter then a run, he can run
very fast. He is like a man who has just found a million pounds. He
reaches the site, he looks around, he's smiling from ear to ear, goes
about quickly and hands out tickets, he is more and more exstatic as he
goes. When he comes to the car with the broken suspension,he adds to the
ticket "Unroadworthy condition". With a flourish he puts his book away.
Rodney:I haven't been this happy since I booked the Lord Mayor's Rolls.
The law is the law for everybody.
Rodney stands there glowing. The workers have now finished their meal so
they are ambling back to the site. They notice Rodney and speed up, once
on site they discover one of their cars is booked.
Foreman :What are you doing here ?
Rodney :My duty.
Worker 1:He's booked your car.
The foreman goes over to his car and pulls the ticket off, then he
marches back to Rodney and shakes the ticket under his face.He starts to
berate Rodney...
Up the road Gillian and Mark are standing in the doorway of their cafe by
the gestures they can tell what Rodney had done.
Mark :Just how much did you put in the pudding ?
Gillian:Triple dose multiplied by 15, as there are fifteen workers.
Mark :I gave double dose multiplied by 15.
Gillian:I hope it starts to work soon or Rodney will be lynched.
Percy the undertaker apears at their elbow, he's looking for a piece of
pie and a cuppa.
Percy :Are people not eating today ?
Mark :Oh sorry Percy, you crept up on us then.
Percy :All part of my training.
Gillian:No doubt, but can you see poor old Rodney there ?
Gillian points, Percy now looks and sees what is happening.
Percy :Don't tell me he's booked the lot of them.
Mark :It looks that way.
Percy :So the "Government Official" does have his uses.
Gillian:But the workers are very angry , he could be hurt.
A very faint smile flickers across Percy's trained face.
Mark :We were wondering how fast our handiwork would take hold.
Percy :Why what have you done ?
Gillian:Food poisoning.
Mark :Not enough to give you work, just laxatives.
Percy :We'll see soon enough.
They all look back at Rodney being shouted at and being showered in torn
parking tickets...
The scene changes to show Rodney's viewpoint....
Foreman:You cann't give us tickets, we're building a road.
Rodney :And when a road is finished a man paints yellow lines on it , and
then I give a ticket to anybody who parks on those lines.
Worker2:I think we should pour red hot tarmac over him.
Worker3:That's a good idea.
The workmen start to edge towards Rodney, he backs away.He backs away
then climbs a small mound of earth about five feet above the rest of the
ground. He holds his black bag defensively. As four men stumble to get
to him the laxative takes hold, clutchinmg their stomachs they dash away.
This is repeated three or four more times till Rodney is left like Nelson
on his plinth.Only the foreman is left.
Foreman:And another thing the cars have been moved.
Rodney :By the Jolly Green Giant no doubt.
Foreman:I've had enough of you, get off my site.
The foreman moves towards Rodney, he is reaching out and is touching
Rodney's lapels, Rodney is very nervous now, but the laxitive finally
gets the foreman,so he too retreats. Rodney is left alone and triumphant
on his mound. With a flourish he dusts himself off and desends graciously
from his position, as he does so he falls over. So we see him dusting
himself off as we FADEOUT.
The next day Patrick hurries into the undertakers to see Percy.
Inside Percy is reading his journal, the one Andy his son brought to his
attention.
Patrick:Sorry to burst in Percy, but did you see what they've done ?
Percy reluctantly looks up from the journal.
Percy :Yes I did, its looks very bad.
Patrick:It looks like disaster, barbed wire everywhere and signs saying
keep out. The workers have been told to boycott the street too.
Percy :It does seem bad.
Percy is still reading the journal, he seems unworried.
Patrick:But Percy they have ignored our petition at the council and now
we've been rumbled by the workers.
Percy :Would seem that way wouldn't it.
Percy carries on looking at his journal. Patrick is amazed. Percy taps
the journal then looks up.
Percy :History is a wonderful thing you know, its the key to the past
and it still influences the world about us today.
Patrick:You're right no doubt Percy, but what about the workers and today
Percy :If you understand the past then you can infleunce the present.
Patrick:But what -
Percy interrupts to continue his discourse, Patrick looks on thinking
that Percy has flipped his lid.
Percy :Would you believe funerals were so cheap 120 years ago, a gents
funeral would only be a fiver.
Percy looks up at Patrick, Patrick just nods uneasily.
Percy :But its the history attached to funerals thats the interesting bit
Patrick nods uneasily again.
Percy :Its not just the prices and the different ways funerals were done
all those years ago. No its the history. (HE TAPS THE JOURNAL)
Who could tell that the death of a pantrymaid could have such an
effect on today.It's history that's what it is, like a pebble
thrown in the water, one of the ripples has reach the shore that
we call today.
Patrick:But what does it all mean !
Percy :I'll explain then.
The phone rings so Percy cann't explain. Patrick waits still on edge.
Percy :Oh, hello thank you for returning my call Mr Stone.
Patrick pricks his ears, Mr Stone is the builder doing the road.
Percy :As I told your secretary History is a very important thing, it
can have untold of consequences.
Mr Stone:Can you get to the point I am a busy man, I have a road to build
and I have an important meeting to attend.
Percy :Well this call concerns both matters. First the history lesson,
you may be aware that my family firm has been burying for over a
hundred years. We have even buried members of your family.
Mr Stone:No doubt, but can you get to the point.
Percy :To get to the point then, well over a hundred years ago we did
a special burial for you great grandfather. It was a burial for
his pantry maid.
Mr Stone:So,is that all you have to say, I have a very important meeting
to attend.
Percy :It's a selection meeting for MP for this ward, for the vacant
post, due to the unexpected death of our last MP. a Mr
Percy is interrupted by Mr Stone.
Mr Stone:Your call has some bearing on this ? (ANXIOUS)
Percy :As I was saying we did an extra special job for your family many
years ago. An oak coffin, satin lined with the best coach and
four, there were prayers to be said everyday for a year too.
Mr Stone:I may have an idea of what you are talking.
Percy :To be plain Mr Stone, we buried the pantrymaid to the Stone
family, she had died in childbirth, but the child survived or
so we may assume, as there was mo mention of a dead infant.
Mr Stone:What do you want ? (HISSED)
Percy :Let me continue, its a fasinating story. Your great grandfather
paid for a funeral of a mere pantrymaid. I would call that very
generous.Some would call it suspicious.Well, on looking through
my records and matching them to church records I was surprized to
see that there was a christening in your family,by comparing the
date to the funeral date of the "Mother" I was most surprized to
discover that the "Mother" was 50. The christening was shortly
after the death of the pantrymaid.
THERE IS A LONG PAUSE
Mr Stone:So you know our family secret.
Percy :The Stone's were very good to the child, he was given their name
and he became your own Grandfather. All very good, but child
stealing was an offence then as it is now, as is falsifing
records - not a good record for an MP.
Mr Stone:What do you want, how much.
Percy :I want no money, what I want or what we want is our street.
Mr Stone:But I have a contract.
Percy :You also have a good solicitor in Miss Samson, I sure that the
pair of you can find a solution.
Mr Stone:But the most I could do is slow things down.
Percy :If you can delay things till the council election then that will
be enough.
Mr Stone:I'll see what I can do, but what
Percy interrupts.
Percy:You need not fear any disclosures from me, your family tree will be
your own.I will even help you win the election after your selection
Mr Stone:You seem to be extraordinary well informed.
Percy:A man in my position gets to hear things, just trust me, I have a
feeling we'll be good friends ; as they say if you cann't help your
friends then who can you help
Mr Stone:I'll do my best, oh are you sure I'll be selected ? (HOPEfUL)
Percy:As I said I'll even help you win the election.
Mr Stone:Bye then.
Percy:Goodbye to you Sir.
Percy replaces the receiver then looks up at Patrick.
Percy :In plain language, Patrick, the Stone's are descended from a
bastard.
Patrick;But how do you know about the selection committee ?
Percy :I'll have to ask you to believe me too.
Patrick:Shall I go and tell everybody the good news ?
Percy :Let's wait a few days. Do you want a drink ?
Patrick:We should toast the street.
Percy goes to the cabinet and brings out the cut glass decanter, as they
toast Patrick looks at the old journal.
Percy:The best bedtime reading ever.
The both laugh.......FADEOUT
A few weeks later Percy is in Big Sid's
Big Sid:So it was your bedtime reading that saved us.
Percy :It was Andy who brought it out in the first place.
Big Sid:God Bless the pair of you anyway.
A woman comes in holding her new born baby, she hands Big Sid a photo
as he puts it on his wall Percy takes his leave.
Big Sid:Don't you like my new "child" (LAUGHING)
Percy :Sorry I'm in a hurry I've got to show Mr Stone around the rest
homes, it was my part of the bargain, we want him to get a
really good majority.
Big Sid:It'll be good having our own M.P.
Percy :It will won't it ? (A FAINT SMILE ON HIS LIPS)
We follow Percy as he leaves the butchers and drives in his hearse past
all the show, he gets a few waves as he goes. As we FADEOUT Percy is
driving past the site a sign says "A New Car Park thanks to your New
Council"......
END
This screenplay is based on one chapter of my as yet undiscovered novel.
The novel is called The Butcher The Baker and The Undertaker
it is comic but the final part
is very dramatic, it deals with the kidnap and rescue of Jaswinder the
infant daughter of the Indian shopkeeper.
21,000 Polish readers in 3 weeks when I had it online,
so film producers get in touch.
If you like this and agree with me that the novel would be a good serial
then contact...
michaaelgcasey@hotmail.com with FILM PRODUCER in subject line,
and yes I know many jokers will attack me now
THE END
This is a screenplay based on one chapter of my Novel –
The Butcher The Baker and The Undertaker
https://www.amazon.com/Michael-Casey/e/B00571G0YC
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