Pope Francis hears Mark Zuckerberg's Confession

Pope Francis hears Mark Zuckerberg’s Confession ©

By

Michael Casey

First of all I have to confess that I predicted a Francis as the next Pope last time, without anybody from Cambridge or even Oxford’s help. If only I had placed a bet on it at the Bookies then I’d be a very wealthy man using one of those oh so honest tax avoidance schemes, or maybe I’d be one of those big tech companies not paying any tax.

So what if we combine the two, Pope Francis and Facebook. Mark Zuckerberg is due to be grilled and poached by the Senate tomorrow, anti trust laws here I come, is my prediction. Though Trust is the word, so let’s see what happens when Mark Zuckerberg goes to Confession. The Pope, Francis is ready, they don’t use a confessional just a coffee table while the Pope has a latte and Mark Zuckerberg has a water, shaken not stirred, that’s Mark not the water. It’s best Birmingham tap water, which we steal from the Welsh, so I put some in a flask and an Angel delivered it to the Pope. A Hell’s Angel, me and Francis do have a few friends in common after all.

So the Hell’s Angle rides through the night and slams the flask of ice cold Birmingham water stolen from the Welsh onto the coffee table in Rome, winking at Francis as he does so. Mark Z fidgets with his hoody, Francis snaps if you want a real hoody I can allow you to join the Franciscans after I’ve heard your confession.Mark stammers, he looks 12 when he’s brushed his hair and shaved, he didn’t expect Francis to be so tough. But Francis has a plan, and besides after Mark Z he has Putin in his sights, so he has to practice being the tough guy.

Tell me all your sins now, or you will burn in Hell, there is a special place in Hell for game show hosts, and data manipulators. Mark hands over a chip with a smile. It’s all in there Father. Pope Francis throws a bucket of ice cold holy water over him. Here’s a Holy Water challenge for you is Francis’ reply. The Hell’s Angel returns and throws a small box of paper tissues at Mark Z. I don’t like Wise Guys, intones Pope Francis before swinging a smoking thurifer within an inch of Mark Zuckerberg’s face.

But but but, you can’t do this to me, I’m not even Catholic moans Mark Z. Oh, course you are not, you Liar, Liar Liar Burn in Fire. But I was raised Jewish insists Mark Z. Francis lights a candle and pushes it towards Mark Z. Mark jump backwards scared, but the Hell’s Angel is right behind him blocking any escape. I’ve seen your Facebook page, it says you are CATHOLIC, so it must be TRUE, intones Pope Francis.

Mark is stuck between a Pope and a Hell’s Angel, so he does what only he can do. He sips his ice cold Birmingham water, stolen from the Welsh. That’s the best water I have ever tasted, he finishes all of it. Then he is ready to spill the beans, Francis and the Hell’s Angel will give him a lifetime’s supply of Birmingham water, stolen from the Welsh in exchange for Mark Zuckerberg’s Confession.

Francis swings the thurifer faster and faster closer to Mark Zuckerberg’s head, he has to remind himself not to give in to temptation, I mean what would you do if you had a loaded smoking thurifer and lighted candles and a Hell’s Angel in attendance. Francis contented himself to listening and wondering what would Don Camillo have done. Don Camillo would have, well I won’t go there but the River Tiber does run through Rome.

And for your Penance Mark Zuckerberg what would Pope Francis say or do to a Billionaire. Burn in Hell you Tecky, or go your sins are forgiven. No Pope Francis is not a soft touch, Mark Zuckerberg has to read all of Michael Casey the fat silver haired writer in shades 15 books, available on Amazon. Though if he comes to Birmingham he can have full use of my tap, as the water in Birmingham, stolen from the Welsh really is the best in the world. And you don’t need a Facebook page to tell you that, because I am NOT on Facebook and I’m telling you it, so it must be true. Ask anybody from Cambridge if you don’t believe me.