Here's my Comedy Election
Michael
G Casey email only michaelgcasey@hotmail.com
The
Butcher , The Baker and The Undertaker (C)
By
Michael
Casey
Chapter
Nine ...Marriage to a Person , Marriage to a People
************************************************************
So
Joan Derby was buried , as the crowd of mourners filed away
Percy
stood at the foot of her grave . He threw a red rose onto her
coffin.
"Well
Joan , I hope you forgive me for inviting everybody . I did tell you
that
you wouldn't be alone , but things certainly took on a life of their
own
. I just hope you liked the Jazz music , I'm sure Mozart would
have
approved
anyway , he liked things to go with a swing . It's a good job I
combed
your hair too , you looked your best for all the crowd . Well I'll
be
saying goodbye then ,but don't forget to avoid Bartok like the plague
,
Mozart
is the one to look out for , " with a final look at the name
plate
on
the coffin Percy left Joan Derby to rest in eternal peace .
In
another corner of the field , the grass not having been cut
in
ages so the graveyard did look like a field , Mr Stone was saying a
few
words
to a long dead pantry maid .
"Well
I'm sorry that your name got brought up , but I'm not sorry that you
were
sweet on one of my ancesters , but for you I wouldn't be here . I
don't
stand a chance in Hell of getting selected now , not that I'd get
elected
, but I just came to say that I love you , all us Stones love you.
They'll
be flowers on your grave on your anniversary for the next one
hundred
years , just as there has been for the past one hundred . Well
I'll
be leaving you , " saying those words Mr Stone bent down and
placed
an
enormous bunch of flowers on the grave of a pantry maid .
Percy
had spotted Mr Stone in the far corner of the graveyard , so
he
made his way over to him . Percy noticed the bunch of flowers and
read
the
inscription , "Rest in Peace Beloved Pantry maid " ,
Percy looked Mr
Stone
in the eye , there were tears .
"Well
a promise is a promise , so I've come to offer my support , I'll do
everything
in my power to help you get elected , " Percy held out his
hand.
Mr
Stone took it and shook it firmly , with a pantry maid as a witness
a
deal
was struck , in heaven Mozart had struck up a tune at Joan Derby's
bidding
, it was a march , starting slowly , ever so slowly , but it would
build
and build , just as a builder builds , and it would end in
Parliament
, and there it would become a dance , a merry dance , a dance
for
the Black Country .
Sid
was singing , a sign had gone up at the end of the street , a
new
lorry and car park was being built by the council , the road was
dead
and
buried . Big Sid was still singing when Len came in clutching some
ten
by
seven inch photos .
"Look
at these Sid , I hope you like them , " said Len putting a
photo on
Sid
chopping block .
It
was a snap of Mr Stone knocking Councillor Albert Pratt O.B.E. for
six
all
in glorious colour .
"But
where did you get this from , I thought only Beacon News was there to
cover
it , the tv and the papers having gone home , " asked Big Sid
as he
savoured
the sight of the Councillor getting his just rewards .
"Well
I've got a few cameras at home , they are expensive Japanese ones ,
you
know the ones they make in their new Black Country factory , "
began
Len
.
"You
and the camera must be good to get a shot like this , " smiled
Sid .
"Well
your grandchildren grow up so fast that I decided to get a good
camera
, so it became a sort of hobby , " said Len looking at the
floor
embarrassed
at his own reckless spending .
"Your
right , Len , take as many photos as possible , a photo is something
to
cherish , " boomed Big Sid .
Len
smiled like a schoolkid , he liked Sid a lot , they could almost
be
brothers
. Mrs Murphy happened by , she started to look at the photos ,
Len
had used a high shutter speed so he had a series of snaps which
caught
the
councillor as he fell .
"I
wouldn't mind a camera like that , what with Patrick's wedding and
the
baby
coming too , " she said as she examined the photos .
"This
is Mrs Murphy , Len , Patrick's mother , " explained Big Sid .
"Patrick's
penance mother ? " asked Len his eyebrows arching into question
marks.
"The
very same , " answered Mrs Murphy .
"Well
it'll be an honour to take you shopping for a camera , I'll just
bring
in Sid's meat then I'll give you a lift in the freezer lorry , "
said
Len with a smile .
Percy
and Mr Stone were in Percy's study , Mr Stone was reading
the
entry in the old Frost journal about the burial of the pantry maid .
"Can
I have a photo copy of this please , just for sentimental value you
know
what I mean , " Mr Stone sounded almost apologetic .
"Certainly
, now about the selection meeting tonight , I'll come along and
say
a few words , I don't know what I'll say but I'll think of something
,
then
once your selected I'll take you on a tour of the rest homes . "
Len
delivered a few sides of beef to a butchers while Mrs Murphy
went
into the camera shop next door . She went up to the counter and
opened
her handbag , she had a few hundred in notes inside . The
assistant's
eyes lit up when he saw the notes . So he showed her all the
expensive
cameras , trying to blind her with science , trying to get all
her
money . Mrs Murphy was on the point of buying a really
ridiculous
camera
when Len came in . He strode to the counter like George ready to
slay
the Dragon .
"Listen
sonny , she doesn't want that , " said Len as he took Mrs
Murphy's
money
from the top of the counter .
He
started to empty his pockets , he had a thousand pounds in his
pockets
plus
his cellular phone , his camera and his meat cleaver . So holding his
cleaver
in one hand and the Black Country Flash camera in the other hand
he
boomed to the frightened assistant .
"Look
this is what she wants , the Black Country Flash ,an aim and snap
thingy
, none of this stuff , " Len gestured with his cleaver ,
the
assistant
wasn't going to argue , Len was the size of Big Sid after all .
So
Mrs Murphy bought the Black Country flash , the latest
Japanese
camera , built in the Black Country . The advertising campaign
for
the camera had a blacksmith making a horse shoe , the sparks
flying
while
a proud girl snapped the proceedings with a flash. Len assured Mrs
Murphy
that it was good enough for her requirments , so she paid her
seventy
pounds and left the shop a happy woman , as for the assistant he
had
to sit down , he was feeling drained .
As
they were leaving Nangit Tangit who did all the photographic
developing
for the shop was coming in . He collided with Len , so some
photos
of the seige of Old Forge fell out of Len's pocket to the ground .
"Sorry
lad are you ok , " said Len as he pulled Nangit up from the
floor .
"I'm
alright man , I shouldn't have been in such a hurry , I could have
hurt
your sister , " replied Nangit .
"She's
just a friend , not my sister , " replied Len .
Nangit
bent down to pick up the photos Len had dropped .
"Hey
man , these are really great , and that's my wife in the background ,
she
was one of the Daughters of The Temple , " smiled Nangit .
"Balbinder
, Amjit's wife was there too , " said a proud Mrs Murphy .
"Man
these would make great posters , I don't need the negative , but I
could
make really great posters of these , " said Nangit scouring
the
photos
for any more of his relatives .
"Well
you can have these , I'm Len by the way , Len from Len's Meat ,"
said
Len pointing to his van .
"I'm
Nangit Tangit , I do the photographic developing , " said
Nangit
handing
Len one of his business cards .
With
that they said their goodbyes , they'd probably never meet again .
That
evening the Liberals met , they had to finally choose a
candidate
to fight the By Election for Old Forge and Singing Anvil . Mr
Frederick
Chance had stood in every election for the past fourty years ,
he'd
always came a poor fourth behind the two main parties and the MRLP ,
he
was like a sacrificial lamb . But he still had a seat on the council
,
so
he didn't mind .
Percy
stood up to speak for Mr Stone , the Liberals didn't mind
him
not being a member , one more person at a ward meeting was
something
to
cherish , so Percy was let speak . Percy did not know what to say ,
if
only
he could give the famous speech from Henry the Fifth . No that would
not
do , so slowly Percy got to his feet , perhaps simple words were
the
best
.
"I
am just a simple man , my task is to bury the dead , I comb their
hair
and
tidy them up so that their families' can take one last farewell ,
one
last
look and one last kiss . The mark of the man is not what he says but
what
he does , the past is over the present is here , but what of the
future
. Now is the time to take a chance Mr Frederick Chance , to stand
aside
and let another be tested by fire , to brave the slings and arrows
of
outrageous fortune , to test the heart and the spirt . Sometimes
the
spirit
is willing but the flesh is weak , but we have to try , we cannot
just
give up and die . We have to try for that is our spirt , that is our
hope
, that is our humanity . Hope beyond hope , faith beyond reason , to
believe
even though we do not know . Today I buried a lady by the name of
Joan
Derby , she had no family , no friends , yet at her funeral there
were
over seven hundred people . I asked all the protesters from the
recent
seige of the Old Forge Council House to come along , I asked them
to
share their joy with a lady who had been dead for months and not
been
buried
till today . Was I wrong , perhaps I was , but at least she did not
go
to Paradise alone . No she had a good send off , a great send off
in
fact
, with a Jazz band too . When it was all over I had a few words to
say
with her , I asked her to forgive me for inviting strangers to
her
funeral
. I hope she has , I won't find out till my body lies in the
ground
too . But to the point , in a corner of the field I spotted Mr
Stone
. He too was asking forgiveness from the dead , from a long dead
pantry
maid , for a hundred years flowers have been placed on her grave
and
for a hundred more flowers will be placed on her grave . Now to
me
that
says more of the man than any empty speeches . At the graveside I
shook
his hand and promised to do everything in my power to get him
elected
. I know he'll make a good M.P. , all it needs is for him to be
given
a chance , Mr Frederick Chance . I know for him M.P. does not mean
My
Peerage , for him it means My People , the Black Country People here
in
Old
Forge and Singing Anvil . It is a marriage between a man and
a
people
, at the graveside I saw the man laid bare , I saw the tears in his
eyes
, real tears , not tears conjured up for T.V. cameras . Mr Stone will
win
this election , not for sixty years has a Liberal won here , but
with
Mr
Stone you will win . Give him a chance Mr Frederick Chance , this
is
but
a By Election , in two years time the General Election will come
,
then
you can try if Mr Stone fails now . Lend him your cloak , give him
your
blessing , prove that you are no Albert Pratt O.B.E. , wanting all
the
glory for yourself . Prove how liberal the Liberals are , I know
that
I am but an outsider , but with Mr Stone the Emperor really will have
new
clothes , the little dog will laugh to see such fun , and the
Liberals
will
run away with the election , " Percy sat down , he was sweating
.
There
was silence for a full minute , Mr Stone clasped Percy's
hand
by way or thanks . Then Mr Frederick Chance stood up , he looked
Percy
in the eye , he sighed , why oh why wasn't Percy in the Party .
"Mr
Frost or may I call you Percy ? " began Mr Chance .
"Percy
is fine , " said Percy .
"Well
on the condition that you write Mr Stone's speeches , I will lend
him
my cloak , and my sandals and girdle too , " said Mr Chance who
was a
Baptist
lay preacher .
The
selection committee took half an hour to formally select Mr
Stone
, then they all rushed off home before their wives got angry with
them
for being out late . Mr Frederick Chance rung up Beacon radio and
gave
a live interview explaining why he was stepping aside for Mr Stone .
He
made much of the fact that he was no Albert Pratt O.B.E. , he
also
quoted
from Percy's speech .
As
for Percy and Mr Stone they went over the road to the pub ,
they
were both a little shocked to say the least . So sitting in a quite
corner
they had a drink .
"Well
I'll take you on a tour of the rest homes , they'll be two thousands
votes
there for the asking , if I recommend you , " began Percy .
"We
still haven't a hope in Hell of winning , even though it was
your
speech
which got me selected , " mused Mr Stone .
"To
be honest you are right , but there is a power in the Black Country
,
its
like a dynamo , like a hammer beating down on the anvil , if we
can
harness
that power , then we'll give them a run for their money , "
sighed
Percy
.
"Well
its not called Old Forge and Singing Anvil for nothing , " said
Mr
Stone
laughing .
The
live interview came on the pub radio , a cheer went up , Pat
Cowdell's
stable
of boxers were regulars in The Punchbag . They'd heard about Albert
Pratt
being knocked out , and they liked it . On impulse Percy stood on
his
chair and began to shout .
"Well
lads this is Mr Stone here , come and shake hands with your future
M.P.
, Mr Stone M.P. for Old Forge and Singing Anvil ! " Percy
shouted .
There
was a stampeed to shake hands with the man who'd put the councillor
down
for the count .
"Look
I haven't a hope in Hell of winning , but it'd be nice to put two
fingers
up at the two main parties , they take you for granted . All I ask
is
a chance , you can get rid of me again in two years at the
General
Election
. So what have you got to lose ? " said Mr Stone .
To
cheers from the boxers Percy and Mr Stone left The Punchbag .
"Well
that's two thousand one hundred and fifty votes so far , "
said
Percy
sounding like Smiling Paul .
"I
hope you are right , but we need ten times that amount to win ,
"
smiled
Mr Stone , he'd decided to treat it all as a game , that way he
wouldn't
be disappointed .
They
were walking back to their cars when Len and family appeared from
around
the corner , they had had their monthly family night out , smiling
broadly
Len introduced his grandson James to Percy .
"This
is James , your boy will be teaching him programming soon , "
boomed
Len
.
"And
this is Mr Stone , its been on the radio , he's going to be the
Liberal
candidate for M.P. , so vote for him , " said Percy .
"Will
the Big Sid and the rest of them be voting for him ? " asked Len
.
"Well
I will , you'll have to ask them , why not ring him up on that
cellular
phone of yours ? " said Percy .
No
sooner had Percy said it than Len was on the phone to Big Sid . Big
Sid
just
said that he respected Percy's opinion so he'd vote the same way .
"Right
, that's settled than , I'll spread the word , perhaps we'll take
you
around the butchers shops I deal with , " mused Len holding
out his
hand
for Mr Stone to shake .
They
said their goodbyes . Percy now reckoned they had four and a half
thousand
votes in the bag , what with Len's influence , and as he had
told
Len , in two years they could get ride of Mr Stone if he turned out
to
be a vegetarian . Len was still laughing when he got back into his
car.
As
he put his cellular phone back in his pocket he found Nangit
Tangit's
business
card . Len started to laugh , he had an idea which would make the
whole
of the Black Country laugh .
The
early morning news had announced that the eleventh hour
candidate
for the Liberals was to be Mr Stone the builder . Then reports
came
in of posters appearing in the Old Forge and Singing Anvil
constituency
. The posters were all over the Conservative , Labour , MRLP
and
the Liberal party offices . The buildings had been totally covered
if
not
gift wrapped in posters of Mr Stone knocking out Albert Pratt O.B.E.
The
MRLP claimed responsibility as it ws so funny , gift wrapped
buildings
who'd
have thought of it , was it an American idea ?
It
was Len's idea , but Nangit Tangit was flooded with orders
once
people had seen his posters "advertised" on the party head
quarters .
The
boxers in The Punchbag laughed till they cried , they really
would
vote
for Mr. Stone now . The main parties denounced it all as vandalism ,
Mr
Stone refered everybody to Carol Samson his solicitor . Percy
was
worried
at first but then thought better of it , Black Country people have
a
good sense of humour , and besides they'd be votes in it .
Smiling
Paul decided to get in on the act , so he started to
take
bets on the election . He had worked out he'd clear at least five
thousand
pounds from the betting , so he decided to place a thousand to
win
on Mr Stone . Perhaps Smiling Paul was still being a Chinaman ,
but
nevertheless
he went into town to Ladbrokes and place a thousand to win
on
Mr Stone .
The
preparations for Patrick's and June's wedding had hit a
hitch
, namely Mrs Kemp . She had decided she wanted a quiet wedding ,
just
Patrick and June , herself and Mr Kemp , and Mrs Murphy could come
too
. Though June's stomach had not begun to show Mrs Kemp did not
want
any
questions about a hurried wedding ,she had already decided that
photos
would
be taken from the chest upwards , and when the baby was born she'd
tell
her friends that it was premature .
Mrs
Murphy rolled her eyes when she heard the news from Patrick
and
June .
"God
blast the old bitch , the divil carry her and skither her arse , no
son
of mine is having a quiet wedding . Me a poor old widow woman and
the
old
bitch wants to deprive me of the happiest day of my life !
Patrick
marrying
a nice girl and me to be a grannie too , and the old witch wants
to
hide things . You two love one another anybody can see that , its
not
as
if its some sort of shotgun wedding , I'll ring her up and give her
a
piece
of my mind , " raged Mrs Murphy getting out of her chair and
heading
for
the phone .
"No
, Shiela , please no , Patrick will think of something , it'll be
a
great
wedding , just leave it all to Patrick , " said June pouring
oil on
troubled
waters .
"Yes
I'll think of something , " said Patrick not having a clue as to
what
he'd
say .
"See
I told you , Patrick will sort things out , or my name isn't Mrs
Murphy
too ! " said June before kissing Patrick .
Mrs
Murphy glowed , Mrs Murphy too , she liked the sound of that ,
and
judging
by the way June and Patrick kissed perhaps they'd give her a
clutch
of grandchildren . Wouldn't it be grand if there were enough
grandchildren
to form a Gaelic football team , the Kingdom of Kerry would
need
new blood in twenty years time . Which reminded her that the Bear in
Bearwood
was showing the Gaelic football on Sportscast soon , she'd have
to
get Michael to give her a drive over there , she'd pop into
Saint
Gregory's
for a quick prayer or maybe Mass before the Gaelic football , if
Michael
wasn't busy with the taxiing then they'd make an afternoon of it .
"Yes
mom , I'll sort it all out , though we may have to phone invitations
instead
of posting them , in order to keep things quiet so Mrs Kemp
doesn't
find out , " said Patrick ,it was the best he could think to say
.
"Fine
I suppose it'll do , but I'm sure Mrs Kemp would have made a great
Wicked
Witch of the West , she looks like the real one , The Wizard of Oz
was
on the telly the other night , " said a deadpan Mrs Murphy .
June
just had to laugh , Patrick joined in , Mrs Murphy was a terror to be
sure
.
"Oh
do you mind if I put the telly on , only there's a program on ,
its
about
having your first baby , I'm videoing them but as I'm here perhaps
we
can watch it together , " said June as she reached for the telly
.
The
telly blinked , then blinked again , then the sound came on , but
very
low
. The telly was on its last legs for sure .
"How
long has the telly been like this ? " asked Patrick as he
thumpt the
set
.
"Oh
not long , maybe three or four months , its been a good set
your
father
bought it a few years before he died , " explained Mrs Murphy .
"Nearly
twenty years old , its time you had another , " said
Patrick
shaking
his head like a doctor pronouncing a person dead .
"It's
ok I'm used to it , " said Mrs Murphy .
"But
you can afford a new set , you get a cheque every month from the
bakery
, " said an uncomprehending Patrick .
"But
I'm saving that money , just in case you are foolish and lose the
bakery
, as a kind of safety net , " said Mrs Murphy .
June
smiled , Mrs Murphy was thinking of Patrick first and not herself .
"Look
Patrick won't go silly , you can start spending your bakery money ,
besides
I'll clip him around the ear if he even thinks of it , " said
June
before
clipping Patrick around the ear .
Mrs
Murphy smiled , their was love in their games , she'd have loads
of
grandchildren
that was sure , she'd be able to look Mrs O'Toole in the
face
, Mrs O'Toole had ten grandchildren .
"Well
we better be going then , if we are to catch the sale , I saw a sign
in
the window as we were driving here , T.C. Hayes of Berawood is
having
a
sale , " June headed for the door , dragging Patrick behind her
.
"Do't
be foolish child , this set is ok , " began Mrs Murphy .
"Yes
, for you , but what about when your grandchild is sitting on your
lap
watching Laurel and Hardy ? " asked June .
She
had Mrs Murphy cornered , with a final smile , June put her hand
on
the
door .
"Well
if your foolish enough to spend your money , get a bargain , "
Mrs
Murphy
paused , " Mrs O'Toole has colour . "
"Well
you'll have colour and remote control , " said June over
her
shoulder
, as she and Patrick left the room .
At
T.C. Hayes they met Peter with the beard , he'd sold Mr Kemp a
Technics
midi system the week before , he directed them to the television
area
.
"God
, this place is like a Tardis , its massive once you get inside , "
said
Patrick looking all around .
"Can
we have a big telly with remote control , please , " said
June
getting
on with the task in hand .
"Why
not get Nicam stereo and picture in picture , if we are getting mom a
telly
we may as well get a good one , " said Patrick still marvelling
at
the
size of the shop .
"In
that case , we'll have that one , " said June pointing .
"That'll
be , " said the sales man announcing the price .
"Is
that your best price ? " asked June .
"Yes
,its our best price , it includes œ80 off , " explained the
salesman.
"He's
paying , " smiled June as she pointed at Patrick .
Patrick
realised what he'd talked himself into , as the salesman repeated
the
price . Only Patrick couldn't find his cheque book . So June
proffered
her
Gold American Express card instead . The sales man arched his
eyebrows
when
he saw it . So June put on her best smile and pouted before saying .
"I'm
John Kemp's little girl ,daddy bought a Technics system from your
collegue
Peter with the beard last week . "
The
salesman checked with Peter , then full of smiles he wrote out
the
receipt
.
"Oh
by the way can we have a full five year gaurentee too , I saw the
sign
saying
you have a repair centre here , " said Patrick smiling .
"You'll
have to pay me back , no future husband of mine is living off me ,
I'm
marrying you for your money , not the other way around , "
smirked
June
.
June
decided that they'd take the set with them then and there rather that
wait
for a delivery van .So she drove Patrick's VW from the car park
around
the
back and parked on the pavement just by the traffic lights .
Then
Patrick
picked up the monster telly and carried it outside , only it
wouldn't
fit in the car . While he was wondering what to do a traffic
warden
came along and was going to book him . Patrick said he was a friend
of
Rodger's and did the girl know him , the girl did , while
Patrick
engaged
her in conversation June whistled down a taxi . As luck would have
it
, it was Michael's taxi . So the telly went in the taxi with June
,
while
Patrick invited the girl traffic warden to his wedding , Roger would
give
her details later .
Back
at Mrs Murphy's Patrick carried the monster telly inside .
"Glory
be to God look at the size of it , will I be able to pay my
electricy
bill , " said Mrs Murphy putting her hands to her face .
"June
, chose it , " said Patrick , as he put the telly in the corner
.
"Well
it must be good if June chose it , " said Mrs Murphy .
June
then spent half an hour showing Mrs Murphy how to use the
remote
control , including the picture in picture and the teletext . Mrs
Murphy
was well pleased . So pleased in fact that she forgot to feed them
not
that they were hungry . June and Patrick left Michael and Mrs
Murphy
watching
the afternoon edition of Dallas .
"What
are we going to do about the wedding , " wondered June
as
they drove to Harbourne .
"Well
Mark has started on the cake already , I was going to tell you , but
how
are we going to make everybody invisible for the wedding ? "
mused
Patrick
.
They
were still trying to think of a solution when Patrick pulled up at
June's
Harbourne home . So waving her goodbye he promised he'd work
something
out , they'd have a proper wedding after all .
"So
you see Amjit , her mother wants to hide the fact that she is
pregnant
, then she'll lie to all her posh friends and say it was a
whirlwind
romance and a premature baby , " explained Patrick with a sigh .
"But
I've booked Nangit Tangit already , he does wedding videos , man this
is
just not happening , " said Amjit .
"Exactly
, SHE doesn't want it to happen , thanks for the video though , "
said
Patrick sighing again .
"Look
you go and talk to Big Sid , he'll think of something , besides
Jaswinder
is looking forward to being a bridesmaid , so we've got to have
a
proper wedding for you , " said Amjit looking at Jaswinder who
was busy
talking
to Patrick the teddy bear .
Patrick
crossed the road to Big Sid's , he hoped Sid would come
up
with something .
"She's
ashamed of the gift of life , of babies , " Sid pointed to his
wall
of
baby photos , he could not understand it .
"My
mother said that , " said Patrick looking at all the baby photos
.
"So
what are we going to do ? " pondered Big Sid .
"Make
the guests invisible I suppose , " mumbled Patrick .
"Ok
, we'll make them invisible if that's what's called for , I'll talk
to
Frank
, don't wory lad , it'll be ok , " Big Sid squeezed
Patrick's
shoulder
.
"When
you work something out you will tell me ? " said Patrick
standing in
the
doorway .
"No
, I'll tell you nothing , that way that mother-in-law cann't blame
you
for
whatever happens , " said Big Sid with a wink .
Patrick
smiled weakly , he just hoped Big Sid would come up with a plan .
"Fancy
being ashamed of the gift of life , " mumbled Big Sid shaking
his
head
before cutting the trotters from a pig .
Another
person who was planning for all he was worth was Percy .
He
had loaded a program onto Andy's Atari 1040 , he was working out
how
many
votes Mr Stone could rely on . To date he had 7145 votes . Len had
been
as good as his word . Mr Stone was taken first to Len's meat
warehouse
, here he met 100 workers . As ever Mr Stone told them that
after
two years they could sling him out , the General Election was then .
After
winning their support Len had personally driven Mr Stone around the
area
to all the butchers shops ,there Mr Stone had given a little speech .
Len
was proud of him , though at Percy's request Len said a word of
his
own
at the end . He told everybody to tell any canvassers from the
main
parties
that they were voting for them . The reason was that when Mr Stone
won
they wanted it to be a shock , to be a knockout . The word
knockout
brought
laughter , as all the butchers had a poster of Mr Stone knocking
the
block off Mr Albert Pratt O.B.E. . The shoppers would do as Len
asked
though
, let the main parties think they had the votes in the bag , then
on
By Election Day watch the tv. It would be great seeing Sir Robin
Day
looking
shocked , Peter Snow of Newsnight would be made to look a fool
too
, there was logic behind all this though . Westminster would sit
up
and
listen to the M.P. from Old Forge and Singing Anvil , the
Black
Country
was no pussy cat constituency , it had a lion for an M.P. and he
would
roar and roar and roar on their behalf . There was a tingle down the
spine
of the shoppers's spines as they heard Len quote Percy's words , or
words
Percy had borrowed from Shakespeare .
Percy
had also spoke to Wayne , let the uncles come to the
Trader
and let the uncles bring their friends . Then from the Trader the
message
would ripple outwards , let the anvil be beat , let the anvil
begin
to sound , let the anvil begin to resound , let the anvil sing . Let
Mr
Stone be the M.P. for Old Forge and Singing Anvil . Percy wrote
a
speech
on the Atari then gave it to Mr Stone telling him to learn it by
heart
, a copy of the speech was sent to Beacon and WABC . Then Mr Stone
delivered
the speech , WABC decided to come along and record it , secretly
the
man in the news room was rooting for Mr Stone , he was a boxing
fan
after
all .
"I
am but an ordinary man , I am one of you born and bred , I
am
not descended from a noble family . I am descended from the wrong
side
of
the blanket , but I am not ashamed , I am a proud man , I am a
happy
man
. To be selected when I thought I didn't have a chance is but
a
miracle
, and if I actually get elected what greater miracle that will be.
I
have met butchers , bakers and undertakers and Real Ale drinkers
,
though
we are different we have one thing in common . We love our patch ,
we
love our home , we love Old Forge and Singing Anvil . What more can
I
say
just take a chance on me , as the old Abba song says , Mr
Frederick
Chance
stood aside and gave me his blessing . Now I am asking you for
your's
. If I prove to be no good then in two years you can throw me out ,
you
can even call me bastard as Mr Albert Pratt O.B.E. did . I am of
the
people
and for the people , I am but an ordinary man who likes his Banks
Bitter
and pork scratchings . For me M.P. means My People not as some hope
secretly
for My Peerage , " finishing his short speech Mr Stone picked
up
his
pint of Banks Bitter and downed it in one , speech giving was
a
thirsty
business .
Betty
and Annie jumped to their feet and did cartwheels , they'd
vote
for him if they were old enough , and the uncles would too , that's
if
they didn't want the girls to slap their faces . The WABC
reporter
smiled
, he felt a tingle down his spine , there was History in the making
to
be sure . Mr Stone stood up and acknowledged the applause , he
also
pointed
out that though the feelings were his it would be dishonest if he
didn't
explain that the speech was Percy Frost's the undertaker .
When
the speech was broadcast the main parties wondered who the
hell
was this undertaker , was it a code name for a top speech writer ,
had
Jeffory Archer defected to the Liberals and was he writing
speeches
for
them . They were relieved in fact when they discovered that
Percy
Frost
really was an undertaker , besides their canvassing had showed that
the
Liberal vote was rubbish to put it plainly .
It
was in the middle of this election campaign that George and
Brownie
decided to marry , George's mourning days were over . They were
having
a quiet cuppa in Mark's cafe , only they kissed in public .
Everybody
looked , Brownie showed everybody her ring .
"Well
I am married to him you know , he's got the right to have his wicked
way
now , " she said with a wink .
"We
didn't want any fuss at our age , it wasn't a snub , " said
George .
The
lorry drivers all applauded , George and Brownie had made friends
with
all
the continentals , so when they had no local gossip there was
always
news
from abroad . So now news of George and Brownie's secret wedding and
public
kissing would reach the far corners of Europe . The drivers ran to
their
lorries and came back with guitars and weird and wonderful
instruments
. George and Brownie were serenaded with songs from ten
countries
.
It
was while all this was going on that Mr Stone and the Beacon
and
WABC radio reporter came in for a refreshing cuppa . The reporter
had
been
there when Mr Stone had sent Albert Pratt O.B.E. flying , now he had
been
assigned to stay with him till the end . So Mr Stone bought a tea for
himself
and one for William his shadow .
"What's
going on here then ? " asked Mr Stone .
"George
and Brownie got married , so the drivers are serenading them , "
explained
Mark .
"Really
you should go to Paris , it is the place for lovers , " said
Henri
who
lived just outside Paris .
"No
you should go to the eternal city , Rome , that is the place , "
said
Pietro
.
"No
, Paris is the place , come and stay with me , " said Henri .
"No
, come to Rome , stay with me , " interrupted Pietro .
"We're
a bit old for galivanting about , though both are nice judging by
all
the photos we've seen , " said Brownie .
Mr
Stone listened , tears began to form in his eye , he reached into
his
inside
pocket .
"Look
, get on a plane and go to both , your friends' families will meet
you
at the airport , they'll show you a good time , " urged Mr Stone
as he
handed
them a blank cheque .
"But
we cann't take that , we hardly know you , " said Mrs Brown .
"Look
my ancester took the pantry maid on the Grand Tour , it was in Rome
and
in Paris that , well it was there that , look I wouldn't be here
now
but
for Paris and Rome , just go , " Mr Stone was embarrassed
but he
really
did want them to go .
"Look
you go , my family will meet you in Paris . "
"And
then my family will meet you in Rome . "
"Look
please , I owe it to Percy and this street , I really am enjoying
this
electioneering , please just go , " Mr Stone blew his nose ,
the
soft
side of his nature had really come out lately .
"Ok
, we'll go but we'll be back in time to vote for you , "
blurted out
Brownie
.
"Look
I don't give a damn who you vote for , bugger the election , just
enjoy
yourself , I'm enjoying myself thanks to Percy , " sighed Mr
Stone.
The
lorry drivers all cheered , Mr Stone smiled , and sipped his tea
.
William
smiled too , he had it all down on his tape recorder , nobody
would
believe it that somebody running for election would say ,"bugger
the
election"
, but he had it down on tape .
That
night Beacon and WABC broadcast William's recording from
the
cafe , ordinary folk in the Black Country thought it was a con ,
but
when
they heard Mr Stone's sniffles and the "bugger the election"
they
knew
he was for real . A hard punching man with a heart of gold , and just
who
was this Percy , that was twice his name had come up . The
other
parties
demanded shadows for their candidates , WABC and Beacon were only
too
happy to oblige .
That
night Percy and Mr Stone conferred with Mr Frederick Chance
in
Percy's office .
"Well
looking at the old scoreboard on Andy's Atari I'd say we have 17476
votes
so far , " said Percy tapping out on the keyboard .
"But
that's four times our vote from last time , are you sure ? "
asked
Mr
Chance .
"These
figures are accurate , Len took head counts when Mr Stone went
arround
the butchers , Patrick took a head count too when he took Mr Stone
arround
the bakeries . " said Percy tapping the keyboard .
"Do
you think we really have a chance ? " there was a look of
disbelief in
Mr
Chance's eye .
"Well
with two and a half weeks to go and thanks to William , I'd say
we'll
win , but it may be close , " Percy spoke matter of factly .
"God
, I need a drink , " said Mr Chance wiping his brow .
Percy
reached for the cut glass decanter , they all had a large glass of
Wayne's
special reserve . They were glowing from the whisky when the phone
rang
, duty called .
"I've
got to go out to work now , " said Percy as he headed for the
door .
"I'll
come with you , its the least I can do , " said Mr Stone
finishing
his
whisky and following Percy out the door .
Mr
Frederick Chance looked at the computer screen , this was great ,
a
Liberal
would win for the first time in sixty years , and nobody would
know
till it was all announced . He decided to have another drink , God it
was
great stuff , he'd once had something like it during the War in
the
Red
Cow pub in Smethwick .
Outside
William followed Percy and Mr Stone , he had wanted to be
a
Policeman but being a reporter was just as much fun . At the rest
home
Percy
and Mr Stone took charge of a body , it was old Bridie , at 87 her
innings
were over . Her father had got a pantry maid pregnant and so was
banished
to fight the Boers , when he returned home he had married another
girl
, who was a pantry maid too , Bridie in her turn had become a pantry
maid
. She had held Mr Stone's hand only the other day while she had
recounted
stories about her father and the Boers , now she was dead . It
was
a shock to Mr Stone , he was crying as he carried her body out of
the
rest
home . He would not do any electioneering tomorrow , he would go to
her
funeral .
All
this was observed and reported by William . The headline
news
the next day on Beacon and WABC said Mr Stone was attending a funeral
and
would not electioneer that day . William interviewed the residents
of
the
rest home , they told him how Mr Stone had held her hand for half an
hour
only days earlier . So that was why he was so shocked , Percy quoted
his
father to Mr Stone , about the dead being the same as the living only
the
laughter has left them and so on .
The
other parties now started to get worried , just who was this
Percy
was he the smartest political mover of all time or what . WABC even
broadcast
Percy's quote about the dead , people rang in to ask could they
have
a copy . Though the unkind types in the main parties suggested that
it
was stolen from some famous piece of writing and not a genuine quote
.
Yet
their canvassing returns said they were doing good , yet common sense
said
this Percy had stirred up a hornets nest and they would be stung
on
election day .
So
Mr Stone went to the funeral of a former pantry maid , a lady
whose
hand he had held only days before , it was ironic that the dead
should
have such an effect on the living , yet Mr Stone was much the
better
man for it all . Percy knew this as he listened to Mozart while he
screwed
the lid on the lady's coffin . Percy's code of honour was rubbing
off
on Mr Stone , Percy was proud of Mr Stone , it was almost like
having
an
apprentice undertaker under his wing . The main parties rushed
arround
with
their loudspeaker vans while Mr Stone and Percy quietly honoured the
dead
.
Patrick's
wedding was now only days away , he hadn't a clue how
he'd
spirit hundreds of people into the church , Smiling Paul had joked
about
having a hundred coffins , the guests could jump out of them like
vampires
. This idea did not do down very well , there always seemed to be
a
hard edge , an unkind edge to Smiling Paul and his jokes , so
sulking
Smiling
Paul went back to his bookies .
It
was while Roger was in The Trader talking about the next play
he
was going to be in that Big Sid had the solution . The play was
going
to
be Helen of Troy , the Trojan Horse and so on . Big Sid Jumped up and
patted
Roger on the back , Roger nearly choked just as Ken nearly had that
time
in the butchers shop . So leaving Roseanne , the traffic warden who'd
nearly
booked Patrick outside T.C. Hayes to come to Roger's aid , Big Sid
ran
outside .
"Frank
I've got it , I've got it , " shouted Big Sid as he
charged
up the street like a mad bull elephant .
"Out
with it then , " demanded Frank .
"The
Trojan horse , that's the answer , Roger thought of it really , "
explained
Big Sid .
Frank
scratched his head , he'd been in the Black Country ever since
leaving
Prisoner Of War camp , but sometimes English still confused him .
"We
hide everybody in our vans , in my van , in your big removal
thingy
and
so on , we can get Roger to pretend he's booking the lot so they'll
be
no
suspicion . Mrs Kemp won't work it out till its too late , "
Big Sid
was
beaming .
"That's
a great idea , but have we got enough vans , they'll be a few
hundred
people there after all , " wondered Frank .
Big
Sid looked deflated for a second , then his whole face lit up , he
had
it
Ureka , only he didn't run around naked as Archemedees did when
he'd
discovered his solution all those years ago back in Greece .
"But
there's always Len , I'm sure he'll lend a hand , I'll go phone him
right
away , " with that a smiling Big Sid skipped away as happy as a
sand
boy
.
Frank
shook his head , his wife was from the Black Country , an English
Rose
, his children talked in Black Country accents but sometimes the
people
were confusing . Scratching his head he went back to his furniture
shop
.
Len
laughed when he heard Big Sid's idea , of course he'd help ,
besides
he was invited to the wedding too .He'd send a few lorries along ,
he'd
have to remember to turn the refridgeration down though , otherwise
they'd
have frozen guests on their hands .
The
day of the wedding came , Patrick rung June , June was
wearing
white at her mother's insistance .
"Just
tell your dad to hold your mother's arm tight , as if he's having an
arm
wrestling match , " explained Patrick .
"What's
going to happen ? " asked June .
"I
haven't a clue , all Big Sid said was that it'd be the happiest day
of
Rodger's
life , then he laughed his head off , " continued Patrick .
"The
happiest day of HIS life , that sounds strange . Ok , I'll tell dad ,
by
the way I love you , " said June .
"I
love you too , and I'll say it before hundreds of witnesses in
less
than
an hour , " said Patrick before he hung up the phone .
June
just hoped that her father had a strong grip . Mrs Kemp
drove
herself to the church , June would follow on with her father in his
car
, tradition had to be adheered too after all , the bride arriving
late
and
so on , even if only a handful were going to be at the wedding .
When
Mrs
Kemp arrived at the church she was startled to see a traffic jam
of
sorts
, vans and lorries were parked all over the place . The traffic
warden
and his assistant were handing out tickets left right and centre ,
there
were even aguements and fists being shaken .
Mrs
Kemp went inside the church , all was quiet , her footsteps
echoed
around the empty church , the lights hadn't even been switched on
yet
. A cleaning lady was wiping the floor at the front , or so it
seemed
for
in fact it was Peter from Peter's Plaice , he was the lookout .
He
watched
as she sat down , then creeping away he went into the Parish
House
, once inside he threw off his disguise and ran around to the front
of
the church .
"The
coast is clear , the coast is clear ! Everybody in position , "
he
yelled
.
With
that the lorries and vans opened up to disgourge their cargo of
people
. As for the parking tickets , if Mrs Kemp had examined them she
would
have seen that they said "Admit Wedding Party to Troy" ,
yes this
really
was the happiest day of Roger's life .
Patrick
arrived with his mother in Michael's taxi , he went
inside
the church to whispered cheers . Minutes later June and Mr Kemp
arrived
in Percy's Rolls Royce , to more whispered cheers June and Mr Kemp
walked
arm in arm up the isle . The cheese was now in the trap , Mrs Kemp
had
not smelt a rat , for she was the rat and now the trap was sprung .
Just
as June and Mr Kemp reached the top of the church the lights came on
and
the Fr.Shaw came out like a greyhound out of a trap . People rushed
in
from
the back and from the Parish House , people emerged from the
confessionals
and from the side altars ,and yet more descended the steps
from
the choir loft . Jumping up like targets in an archade The
Penticostal
Choir began to sing , "Oh Happy Day" was the song . The
damn
had
burst and the church had filled , Nangit Tangit who had filmed all
the
fun
before the wedding proper was at the priests heels , witnesses
and
video
too , yes a quiet wedding just what Mrs Kemp wanted !
Mr
Kemp clung onto his wife with all his might , but he need not
have
bothered, how could she run out on her only child's wedding ,
especially
in front of all these witnesses . So June was married , she
shared
the happiest day of her life with Roger , Roger had really enjoyed
himself
, it was his greatest part ever . Wiston's mum led the choir who
sung
like angels , but once the wedding was over they had to dash to their
coach
, they were on their way to London for a competition , the wedding
was
but a warm up .
Mr
Stone sneaked in the back of the church and sat down next to
Percy
, a funeral one day , a wedding the next , what a roller coaster of
emotions
. No wonder Percy was a poet . Percy had insisted that Mr Stone
come
to the wedding , all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy was what
he'd
said . William stood recording everything , the bride and groom would
like
a recording no doubt about that . The Wedding Mass over Patrick and
Mrs
Murphy too walked down the aisle , Big Sid and Len were crying as
if
it
were there only son who'd married . Mrs Murphy cried too , if only
her
Con
were there , but he'd be watching in heaven , and so he was with
Joan
Derby
and Mozart at his side , old Bartok was sulking in a corner as
usual
, Mozart had composed a special Wedding March , the souls of Joan
Derby
and Con Murphy were dancing to it .
The
Wedding Reception was split between Mark's cafe and the
Trader
, close family and friends ate in Mark's , the rest at the Trader .
Once
the sit down stage was finished at Mark's everybody paraded up the
road
to the Trader , traffic stopped to see the fun , it was like
something
the French or the Italians would do . Patrick didn't want to
upset
Mark's feelings so at his mother's urgings Patrick had split the
reception
, though only for an hour . The remaining food was also carried
up
the road from Mark's to the Trader , the whole situation
reminding
Percy
of Hogarth's painting "The Chairing Of a Member" . Mr
Stone laughed
loud
when Percy explained , so did William from beneath his headphones .
Drunkeness
of the kind Mozart would have been proud began , it
was
a wedding after all . Big Sid took it upon himself to spike
everything
Mrs
Kemp drank , he'd already spiked her tea at Mark's cafe . Now
he
spiked
her champagne , with what , what else but Wayne's Special Reserve .
Mrs
Kemp had to visit the ladies as she began to feel unwell . When
she
returned
she was pulling a face , to hide her face , and why ? Well she'd
managed
to lose her false teeth down the ladies toilet .
"What's
the matter mom , aren't you enjoying yourself ? " asked June .
"Yes
, yes , " mumbled Mrs Kemp .
"You
sound the same way my mother does when she's lost her false teeth , "
observed
Patrick , striking the nail on the head .
Mrs
Kemp would have said "Beam me up , Scottie " if she was a
Star Trek
fan
, as she wasn't she just frowned .
"What's
the matter with your mom , why's she pulling a face , she looks as
if
she's lost her false teeth , " observed Big Sid offering
Mrs Kemp
another
glass of champagne topped up with 40 year old whisky .
"That's
because she has , " said June who was going to frown but
decided
to
laugh seeing as she was Mrs Murphy too now .
"Say
no more , " said Big Sid thrusting the glass at Mrs Kemp ,
splashing
some
down her cleavage .
Big
Sid then pretended to be a plumber , by rushing headlong into
the
ladies loos , a chorus of screams rung out . Big Sid was undaunted
,
working
his way through the cubicals he put his hands down each one till
he
found the missing teeth . With screams still ringing in his ears
from
the
shocked ladies in the loo Big Sid emerged triumphant , holding
Mrs
Kemp's
teeth aloft . Now everybody knew , Nangit Tangit even filmed it for
for
posterity , if only Mrs Kemp could have been beamed up onto
the
Starship
Enterprise , but that wasn't possible . Perhaps the earth would
swallow
her up instead , but that didn't happen either . Big Sid strode
towards
her and grabbing her hands put her dripping teeth in them .
"Here
, just rinse them out in this jug of Domestos , they'll be ok to
wear
then , " ordered Mrs Murphy the first , holding out a jug of
water
and
Domestos , adding to Mrs Kemp's embarrassment .
Mrs
Kemp knocked back her glass of spiked champagne then did as she
was
told
. After rinsing out the teeth she slipped them back into her mouth
trying
not to be noticed in front of all the people . Her teeth tasted odd
but
after all the spiked drinks she'd had she would have drunk
neat
Domestos
if asked to .
"Bravo
, bravo , " yelled Big Sid before grabbing Mrs Kemp so that
they
could
race around the dance floor .
Dancing
with Big Sid for Mrs Kemp was like being asked to ride bare back ,
but
at least she now knew how embarrassed Lady Godiva felt when she
went
for
a ride , perhaps the horse was called Sid .
The
reception was a great success , Percy slipped out to pick up
a
deceased , Mr Stone followed like a shadow , as did William the
radio
shadow
. Half an hour later the unlikely trio returned all smiles , there
is
great companionship amongst the fellowship of the carriers of the
dead
to
give the undertaking game its ancient title . Mr Stone had decided
that
he
liked this William , he'd tip William off in future if there was
any
political
newns to be had , it'd help him out at the start of his career
after
all .
The
time had come for Patrick and June to take their leave ,
though
in their case it meant crossing the road so that Patrick could
carry
June up the fire escape to the flat above the bakery . But first the
bouquet
had to be thrown .
"Ok
, girls I'll count to three then I'm throwing it . One , two ,
three
and
away it goes , " said June .
The
unmarried women in the group lurched forward , this was their
big
chance
. The bouquet flew threw the air , over the outstreched arms , it
seemed
to be guided by magic . It hit Roger in the chest and bounced into
the
arms of Roseanne . Roger gulped , Roseanne blushed yet she was
happy
perhaps
he'd ask her out again now , on impulse she kissed him , she'd
have
to wait forever for him to kiss her . Another pair of eyes had been
watching
the bouquet from afar , there was a flash of fur then he was away
the
bouquet in his teeth . Hairy Amjit ran off down the street the
bouquet
between
his teeth .
"He's
off to see his girl no doubt , " laughed Patrick .
"You
mean some old bitch , " snapped Mrs Murphy .
"I
couldn't have said it better myself ," laughed June or Mrs
Murphy too .
So
Patrick carried June up the fire escape to the flat , cheers
and
wolf whistles filled the night air by way of encouragement .
Once
inside
he placed her softly on the double bed , he didn't want to take a
chance
with the super glue on this his wedding night . It was then that
Patrick
made the biggest mistake of his wedded life , he straightened his
back
too quickly .
"Agh
, agh , agh , agh my back , " he moaned as he slumped to the
floor .
"So
you're not going to sleep with me on my wedding night , "
laughed
June.
"It's
a Murphy tradition , my mother slept with her sister and my dad with
his
brother the first night . Agh agh agh my back , " moaned Patrick
.
June
was going to say something when she realised Patrick really was in
pain
, so rolling over she peeked down at him from the edge of the bed .
"You
really hurt yourself ? " concern and laughter growing in her
voice .
"Yes
, yes , agh my back , " moaned Patrick .
June
lay back on the bed and laughter , it could only happen Patrick .
She'd
have some fun at his expense , so getting up she first did a cancan
then
a slow and lingering strip tease , stopping to laugh as she did it .
"I
really hate you , I really hate you , agh my back , " moaned
Patrick
from
his position flat out on the floor .
"This
is really funny , " said June disolving into laughter and
holding
the
bed to stop herself collapsing in a heap on top of Patrick .
"I'm
reduced to being a Peeping Tom on my own Wedding Night , agh my back
,
agh my back , " moan Patrick .
June
laughted all the more and continued her routine , Patrick just closed
his
eyes , but being a healthy man he opened them in seconds .
"I
do hope you're enjoying yourself , " said Patrick gritting his
teeth in
pain
.
June
reached the finale , Patrick's mouth gaped open . June then sat on
Patrick's
chest .
"You're
completely in my power now , " smirked June .
"Agh
my back , " moaned Patrick .
June
bent down and kissed Patrick , there was laughter in her eyes ,
Patrick
was so helpless , she just had to love him , here and now she
loved
him more than ever .
"Agh
my back , " moaned Patrick .
June
extracted a promise from Patrick now , she might never have the upper
hand
again , so she got the promise from him .
"Promise
me one thing , " she arched her eyebrows and gave him a
lingering
kiss
.
Patrick
enjoyed the kiss for a moment , then his own worries got the
better
of him .
"Agh
my back , agh my back , I'll promise you anything just get off me ,
you
are killing me , " screamed Patrick .
June
rolled off Patrick .
"Promise
me that you'll buy your mother a video so she can watch the
wedding
on it , " demanded June .
"Of
course I will , is that all ? " sighed Patrick the pain
leaving his
back
now .
"For
now , " said June , before starting to tickle Patrick .
"Stop
it , stop it , or I'll wet myself , " screamed Patrick before
the
pain
in his back made him scream , "agh my back " again .
So
June got into bed and spent her wedding night without her husband
,
though
he was only three feet away , on the floor .
Morning
came and June slid out of bed straight onto Patrick's
stomach
.
"Agh
my stomach , " moaned Patrick .
June
just laughted , " so its spread from your back then ? "
"I
really hate you , " said Patrick pulling a face .
With
June's help he got to his feet , then with a lot of prompting Patrick
tried
to touch his toes , if he reached down low then came slowly back
up
again it might put his back right .
"Agh
, agh agh , its worked , " screamed Patrick .
There
was a hoot outside , it was Michael in his taxi , so with a mad rush
the
pair left for the airport and Greece . Patrick rubbed his back non
stop
as Michael drove , Michael could see him in his rear view mirror ,
June
just laughed , Michael would have some gossip for the street .
The
election campaign , or beauty contest as some would call it
went
on apace , Percy's tactics worked a treat . Mr Frederick Chance in
his
capacity as a Baptist lay preacher went around the churches
preaching
and
praying , though he had to be even handed nobody had any doubts as
to
who
he wanted as the next M.P. for Old Forge and Singing Anvil . Mr
Chance
had
seen how Percy's values had rubbed off on Mr Stone , this
rolling
stone
had gathered moss in the form of Percy's values , Mr Chance could
see
this for himself . So Mr Chance preached for all he was worth , if
Mr
Stone
proved to be no good then Mr Chance could preach fire and brimstone
too
, if needs be .
The
BBC and ITV let the local network deal with the election ,
the
big guns were saved for down South in a safe Government seat
which
also
had a By-Election . The minute swing this way and that would be
analysed
to prove just how badly the government were doing . Old Forge and
Singing
Anvil was an also ran as far as the tv people were concerned .
So
election morning dawned , George and Brownie hurried through
customs
at Birmingham airport , to their surprise Mr Stone himself was
there
to greet them .
"Well
you did say you'd vote for me , " he said as he held his car
door
open
for them .
"Shouldn't
you be rounding up the lost sheep or something ? " asked
Brownie
.
"People
are sick of it now , so I'm having the day off . They'll be a
private
party at The Trader tonight once the result is announced you are
both
invited of course , " explained Mr Stone as he drove off ,
followed
by
William his radio shadow .
Percy
and the Federation of Undertakers and Embalmers had
arranged
for cars , not hearses , to pick up people from the rest homes in
the
area . Those with transport who wanted to do the same were given
a
printout
of who , when and where to pick up other housebound people .
Andy's
Atari now holding a database of those needing transport to the
polls
, young James the son of Len was allowed to watch the proceedings to
help
him with his computer studies . Everything was going to plan .
Smiling
Paul came along to sneak a look at the forcast , then like a snake
he
slid away and rushed to William Hills in Hurst Street Birmingham
to
make
a bet . He was smiling , if he was within one hundred votes he'd be a
very
rich and happy man .
In
the afternoon Percy called Mr Stone and Mr Chance to his
office
, he had the result ready , seven hours before the polls shut .
"Well
me and Andy and young James have entered all the figures ,
accounting
for the sick and those on holiday who forgot to get a proxy
vote
, " Percy paused .
Mr
Chance clutched his Bible and closed his eyes , for fourty years
he'd
been
humbled , now thank the Lord his time had come . The Lord had
passed
the challenge to a younger man . The stone which the Liberals had
nearly
rejected would become the corner stone , Mr Stone was the man .
"The
Liberals will win by 2500 votes , they will have 32150 votes , Labour
will
be second with just under 30000 votes , the margin of error is 100
votes
, if our research is correct , " Percy looked around the room .
Mr
Frederick Chance was crying , the local Liberals were stunned , if
this
were
true they'd be staying out late tonight to get drunk , and their
wives
could go to Hell .
"Let's
have a drink , " said Percy passing around the whisky .
"To
Mr Stone , Member of Parliament for Old Forge and Singing Anvil ,
"
said
Percy before downing his drink .
"Can
I broadcast this ? " asked William the radio shadow .
"Only
after the polls shut and just before the official announcement is
made
, the other parties won't believe it , then the official result will
knock
them for six , " said Mr Chance through tear stained eyes .
"Now
Andy ,get in our most reliable hearse , to London you must go ,
deliver
this into the hands of the leader of the Liberals , nobody else
must
see it , " said Percy sounding like a general as he put the
result in
an
envelope .
"But
what if the car breaks down ? " asked Andy .
"I'll
go with him in my van , " said Patrick who was standing at the
back.
"I'll
go too , " said Sid , " Len will takeover in my butchers .
"
So
it was that the good news was brought , not from Aix to Ghent , but
from
Old Forge and Singing Anvil to London and Parliament . The butcher ,
the
baker and the undertaker in convoy raced down to London , they
would
return
in time for the party at the Trader .
The
stage was set , and a stage it would be , for Percy had
decided
there would be iceing on the cake , pure sweet iceing . Mr Stone
spent
Polling Day driving people to the polls in one of Percy's funeral
cars
, William the radio shadow lending a steadying hand as the old and
the
ancient from the rest homes as they climbed into the funeral car ,
for
some
the next funeral car they'd be in would be the hearse itself .
Down
to London raced Andy , Patrick and Big Sid . Sergeant
Mulholland
joined them for the first few miles giving them a flashing
escort
. Then he waved them goodbye and turned off the motorway . Just as
the
Sergeant was turning off the motorway patrol was passing by ,
using
their
initiative they took up the escort , besides they wanted to get back
to
base before the canteen closed , the trio of butcher , baker
and
undertaker
could follow in their wake . So it was that the good news from
Old
Forge and Singing Anvil to London and Parliament had a police
escort
all
the way ; other police forces took up the escort duties as each
escort
car
stopped at the end of their area .
In
London Andy , Patrick and Big Sid gained two motor cycle
outriders
, they were on their way to meet the Prime Minister's car , Andy
just
happened to tuck in behind them and glided all the way to Parliament.
"We
have a letter for the leader of the Liberal Party , " boomed Big
Sid .
"Yes
, its for him alone , he is expecting us , " added Patrick .
"Here
it is , " said Andy holding the letter aloft .
The
armed police on guard outside Westminister scratched their heads , a
butcher
, a baker and an undertaker with police escort , wanting to speak
to
the Liberal leader . That was a first for sure . The Prime
Misister
came
out and was about to get in his car when he spotted the trio from the
street
.
"Can
I help you ? " he asked from behind his glasses .
"We
want the Leader of the Liberals , mate , " said Andy not
recognising
who
he was talking to .
"Sorry
I cann't help you , I'm with the other lot , but I'll see if I can
find
him for you , " said the Prime Minister who went back inside
the
Palace
of Westminister .
A
few minutes later the Prime Minister emerged with the Leader of
the
Liberals
.
"Well
I must be going now , nice to have met you , bye " said the
Prime
Minister
as he got into his car .
"He's
a nice man , so helpful , was he some kind of bank manager , "
asked
Andy
.
"Well
you could say that , he's in charge of the Bank Of England and one
or
two other things , " explained the leader of the Liberals with a
smile.
"I
have been sent with this , " Andy held the envelope aloft .
"The
result of the Old Forge and Singing Anvil election , " smiled
the
leader
of the Liberals .
"Yes
, and Percy says he's sorry that the margin of error is 100 , but Mr
Stone
will be joining you down here , that's for sure . " explained
Andy .
"You
must be hungry , come on in we'll eat and have a pint or two , "
said
the
leader of the Liberals as he led them inside the Palace
of
Westminister
.
"I
hope you've got Bank's Bitter in here , or Mr Stone won't like
this
place
much , " warned Big Sid .
So
the trio had a well deserved meal , the leader of the
Liberals
paid too . After the meal the trio said their goodbyes , Big Sid
handed
two bottles of Wayne's Special Reserve to the Liberal leader .
"When
Sir Robin Day and Peter Snow get the shock of their lives give them
a
little of this , save the second bottle for yourself if you like ,
"
said
Big Sid as he handed over the bottles .
With
that they set off for the Black Country , they didn't want to miss
the
party , they had to vote too in all the excitement they'd forgotten .
Smiling
Paul was excited too , he stood to win half a million if
Percy's
forcast was correct , he'd be rich beyond the dreams of avarice .
Smiling
Paul hadn't worked out what he'd spend the money on , he'd
probably
have his winnings in cash and spend a day counting it knowing
him
, then he'd hide it under the floor boards . Though he had decided
one
thing
already , he'd go to Chinatown in Birmingham's Hurst Street area to
have
a celebration meal with his new friends .
Big
Sid , Patrick and Andy arrived back just before the polls
closed
, so dashing in they put their cross by Mr Stone's name . Percy
called
a final meeting in his study , the iceing on the cake had to be
prepared
after all .
Back
in London the leader of the Liberals was smiling like a
Cheshire
cat , Sir Robin Day gave him sidelong glances , something was in
the
wind but what was it . The leader of the Liberals had resealed
Percy's
envelope
and handed it to Sir Robin just before they went on air , it was
as
if the result of a beauty contest had already been decided . Sir
Robin
had
once stood for Parliament as a Liberal himself before he went on to
be
the
biggest and best political interviewer Britain had ever known , so
he
knew
a Cheshire cat when he saw one !
Peter
Snow spoke of swings to the left and swings to the right
as
he prowled in front of his charts in his brown suede shoes , as for
the
result
in Old Forge and Singing Anvil that was a forgone conclusion , and
an
irrelevance compared to the spoils in the South , though
nobody
actually
said that . And still the leader of the Liberals smiled like a
Cheshire
cat , Sir Robin would have loved to know what was in the
envelope
in his pocket , he must have felt like Gollum in The Lord of The
Rings
, the envelope was calling to him , it was teasing him , it was
torturing
him .
Back
in the Old Forge and Singing Anvil Council House the count
had
begun , the various Party spokesmen had made their predictions . It
was
Mr
Frederick's Chance's turn to give an opinion .
"The
Moneychangers will be chased out of the Temple , we shall take off
our
shoes and shake the dust from them , the veil of The Temple shall
be
rent
from top to bottom , after death is life , " he smiled
winking
straight
into the camera .
In
the Trader a cheer went up , in The Red Cow a cheer went up , in
the
Blue
Gates a cheer went up , in the Punchbag a cheer went up , in the
Waterworks
a cheer went up , in The Bell and Pump a cheer went up , all
over
the constituency of Old Forge and Singing Anvil cheers went up in all
the
pubs and clubs . Even in the Bell in Harbourne a cheer went up ,
Mr
Kemp
was in on the secret so he'd escaped his wife for the evening .
Back
in London still the leader of the Liberals smiled like a
Cheshire
cat , Sir Robin was allowed to look at the contents of the
envelope
so long as he said nothing for a while . Sir Robin did not
believe
what he'd just read so he kept mum . The other party
representatives
demanded to know what the big secret was , so they too
were
allowed to read Percy's forcast .
"And
where exactly did you get this information from , " laughed
the
Labour
man tossing the forcast back at the leader of the Liberals .
"Let's
say a butcher , a baker and an undertaker told me , or rather an
undertaker's
son , " smiled back the leader of the Liberals now looking
more
like a Cheshire cat than a Cheshire cat .
"Come
, come , I know we are politicians but lets have a straight answer
for
once , " demanded the Tory spokesman .
"Well
if you don't believe me , then ask the Prime Minister , it was him
who
personally brought me the message , " the Liberal leader had
just
drunk
the cream judging from the look on his face .
Peter
Snow with more news of his swings , he was like an
overgrown
kid displaying the tricks he could perform on his home computer,
interrupted
the politicians as he danced in front of his charts in his
brown
suede shoes . And still the leader of the Liberals lapped up the
cream
.
The
result was about to be announced in Old Forge and Singing
Anvil
, Mr Stone winked at William .
"Hello
just before the result is announced I'd like to announce a special
forcast
produced this morning by Mr Percy Frost the undertaker . The
Liberals
will win by 2500 votes with a total of 32150 , " said William
all
in
one breath to the listeners of Beacon and WABC .
"There
is a local radio report that the Liberals have won , it
must
be wishful thinking , " gushed Peter Snow dismissing the
information
handed
to him on a piece of paper .
"That's
about right , isn't it Sir Robin , " smiled a Cheshire cat
who
bore
a striking resemblance to the leader of the Liberals .
Sir
Robin grasped Percy'd forcast which was on the desk before him .
"But
, but but , just who is this Percy Frost , " stammered Sir Robin
.
The
T.V. coverage went live to the Black Country for the result.
It
was true Mr Stone had won by 2399 votes , a Liberal had won the
Old
Forge
and Singing Anvil constituency for the first time in sixty years .
Mr
Frederick Chance went down on his knees and prayed , though it was
the
other
parties who had been brought to their knees that night .
The
other parties were in a state of shock , the leader of the
Liberals
reached down to the floor and picked up both bottles of Wayne's
Special
Reserve . Peter Snow looked as if , he'd been told there was no
Father
Christmas , Sir Robin Day was lost for words for the first time
ever
in his life . The leader of the Liberals just smiled as he poured out
the
whisky . As they all drank there was another look of surprise on
their
faces
, where did this whisky come from ?
"Oh
, the whisky's from Old Forge and Singing Anvil too , good isn't it ?
"
said
the leader of the Liberals looking surprised for the first time that
night
.
The
tv coverage ended with Peter Snow crying as he drank his
whisky
,as for the other parties all they wanted to know was where the
whisky
came from , "bugger the election where's the whisky from
exactly"
was
what viewers heard as the studio lights went down .
Cheers
rang up all over the Black Country , now the fat cats down
in
London would listen to them ; cheers rang out through the Old
Forge
and
Singing Anvil Council House as Mr Stone stood before the microphone .
"God
I could murder a pint of Banks , " was the first thing he said .
There
was an almighty clash as the doors to the chamber opened , Big Sid
and
Len stood framed in the doorway , they were wearing blood
smattered
butchers
aprons and holding the mightiest of meat cleavers . A scream rang
out
, Mr Stone glanced at Percy . Then there was a blood curdling howl
,
followed
by another then another , people froze with terror . Then a wolf
appeared
, the wolf entered the chamber and looked around as if looking
for
a victim . The wolf howled as the Red Sea parted , the wolf was at
and
through
the door , the wolf howled again and again and again . Dudley Zoo
up
the road went crazy , all the animals joined in , they echoed the
howls
coming
from Old Forge and Singing Anvil Council house . Nobody knew what
to
do . Then a little Indian Princess appeared , dressed as if attending
a
wedding
, she was dressed for her marriage . It was Jaswinder , the wolf
was
no wolf , just hairy Amjit .
"Silly
dog , don't frighten the people , " chided Jaswinder , with
that
she
kissed the dog .
Together
hairy Amjit and Jaswinder went through the crowd to the stage .
Mr
Stone reached down and picked her up .
"As
I was saying I could murder a pint of Banks , " he paused .
With
that Wayne and Patrick appeared in the doorway carrying a barrel of
Banks
, to cheers led by Len and Big Sid they brought the barrel to the
podium
.
In
seconds Wayne had tapped the barrel and handed Mr Stone a frothing
pint .
"Yes
, as I was saying , the wolf is at the door for the other parties
now
," he paused as hairy Amjit began to howl , " no more
will doors be
slammed
in the face of the small ,the little , the innocent people . For
you
have made me your M.P. and tonight my door is open and it will
always
be
that way so long as I am your M.P. For being an M.P. means but
one
thing
, Marriage to a People , cheers !" with that Mr Stone M.P.
drained
his
glass .
Local
tv. had continued with live coverage , so throughout the
Black
Country a cheer went up as they watched the new M.P. drink his beer.
People
remember the seige of Old Forge and Singing Anvil , but now the
undertaker
had returned in triumphant , and with him the wolf and the
Indian
Princess to open doors wide , never again would doors be slammed
in
people's faces . Leaving the barrel of Banks for the losers to
drown
their
sorrows in Mr Stone rode with Percy in triumphant back to the street
and
the Trader .
The
last time the Trader saw such fun was V.E. Day , the beer flowed
like
the River Black itself , there was another black river that night ,
the
river of Guinness which flowed down people's throats . Smiling
Paul
was
buying everybody in sight drinks , it was as if he'd won the Pools
,
in
fact he hadn't , but he'd won two bets on the result of the election
.
The
next day the news papers were full of the amazing victory in
the
Black Country , one or two had a feature on the man behind the
scenes
Mr
Percy Frost the local undertaker . He had buried the opposition
for
sure
, and his prediction was only 101 votes out , or one if you count the
margin
of error . If somebody had had a bet on the result using his
figures
then they'd be a rich man , a very rich man indeed .
But
one man did have a bet , Smiling Paul was his name . He was
now
a very rich man . Another man for whom the election ment so much
was
Martin
. He'd seen all the theatre , he'd seen Jaswinder and hairy Amjit .
He
just wanted to spit , it made him sick , because of her he'd
been
bitten
by that animal , now he was lumbered with a pregnant girlfriend and
no
money . He cursed her , the dog and the street . Such mixed
emotions
brought
about by a simple election . Who knew what the future would bring.
I wrote this in 1987/8 originally finished on Leap Years Day 1988
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