Totoro Strikes Out

Totoro Strikes Out ©

By

Michael Casey

As you know Totoro is our Ninja cat, the girls got a cat because I made a promise and I never make promises, but I made one and I kept my word. I joked they could have a pet, a dog if I died and a cat if I had a heart attack. Then shortly after I made my promise I had my unplanned quadruple heart attack, I was told a triple, but 6 months later I was told it was 4 grafts. So the moral of the story is don’t make promises not unless you like cats. Though it was the old family dog who discovered my old house, by lifting his leg and only then were my eyes opened as my dog blessed the house. So I bought it. And that was half a lifetime ago.

So Totoro was brought up to the new house and quivered and hid under my daughters bed. So we took her home to the old house. Then we brought her back to the new house. After just 2 days we introduced her to her new garden, and then then let her out streetside. She is now full of confidence, she has a much bigger place to run around in, and she has used my bath as a toilet. Which is better than using the carpet.

She was let out of the back and was out for hours but we had no worries, she has the left hook of Ali’s and is a vermin hunter, she used to travel far and wide just to kill vermin. Through we would have preferred it if she did not return to leave them at our back door. But nobody not pussy is perfect.

So Totoro has been investigating the area, I went out in the street and saw in the distance a cat popping in and out of of front gardens. Then I realised it was our cat Totoro, so I jangled my keys and she came home running. So I rewarded her with food. Later I let her out the back door and let her disappear into the darkness. Cats have cats’ eyes so no worries for her safety, they glow in the dark.

We wonder where Totoro is, so we can have a stroke and cuddle, but for her this is a great big adventure, she can smell the woods, and imagine how may trees there are to climb. Besides she can smell vodka being made in the woods. Lech, Boris and Gregorgi are still in town, so Totoro pays a visit. She is a Ninja cat after all, and she likes to have a nip of vodka in her milk, only ninja cats can do this so NEVER give your pussy alcohol children, just in case your mum is reading this story to you.

So Totoro climbs a tree and launches herself into space, landing right in the still, luckily the heat was ebbing from it. Lech pulled Totoro out, and he swore Totoro was smiling, but it certainly killed any fleas that may have been hiding in her fur coat. Boris and Gregori gently wiped the fresh batch of vodka from her coat. Totoro thanked them by farting in their face, vokda makes Totoro fart, didn’t I mention that before. With that Totoro purred her goodbyes. Since moving to the new house she miaows all the time, and loudly too. As for Lech, Boris and Gregorgi they tried the fresh vodka and do you know what it was even better than ever. The fleas or no fleas, plus all the various seeds in Totoro’s fur coat had infused the still warm vodka. Though I don’t think distilleries will start  to employ ninja cats in the future.

Totoro came home and lay on her back on the cool kitchen floor, like a centrefold but with six nipples. She was happy, very happy, and she let me stroke her, I am the master as far as she is concerned. I feed her more often than anybody as I am always at home, boring you all with these stories. Feed a cat and have a friend for life. Though soon she will work out how to open her Whiskas, and then I’ll be abandoned and ignored. 

Then Totoro went upstairs to find a bed to lie on, and decided that at the top of the stairs was good enough. She was taking the high ground  with just her cats’ eyes visible in the darkness. A major health and safety problem for us using the stairs, but for Totoro she was happy to stay sprawled there, just like the centrefold with six nipples.

Then she slept. Today she was out for hours and came back with a cut on her ear and nose. No doubt introducing herself to the neighbours, cats or foxes I don’t know which. She is now being loved by my daughters. Totoro will be fine, she has Ali’s jab and already she can turn up at either the front or the back of the house. I also know she is getting fat, so she’s already stolen hearts from local children with her Puss in Boots looks, in fact she looks like Teresa May’s cat, the one outside no.10 Downing St.

I need my own milk now, so forgive me if I finish for tonight, Totoro is snoring at the top of the landing, dreaming of high diving from a tree in the woods into a vat of luke warm vodka.

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