And the Oscar for 2018 is

And the Oscar for 2018 is ©

By

Michael Casey

I didn’t know the Oscars are on tv tonight, it popped up as a news item,then I knew. But I didn’t get an invite so how should I know? What should I wear, I have nothing Black or White or Rainbow coloured. I do have red coloured chinos with a bright red jumper, I look like a shaved Santa as I said to my Polish neighbour this afternoon. Oh I forgot I have a bright red zip up anorak too to complete my ensemble.

I just won an Oscar myself, I was interrupted by my daughter wanting outdoor gear for a walk she’ll be doing as part of her Duke of Edinburgh Award. So I won an Oscar for parenting. I also broke the budget too, so I’ll have to make sure I get cheap deals in the supermarket to cover the deals. A low budget production for parenting, now that’s the Hope always, but it always feels like the Titanic. But at least my daughter will have waterproofs for her walk.

Where was I? On the red carpet wearing my protest colours, of toothpaste and coffee stains down the front on my winter woolies. I’m wearing my slippers too, I wear slippers around the house to save our carpets, so I’ll feel at home on the Oscar Red Carpet. I will try to shave and at least comb my silver locks. I will try and steal some Wayfarer Ray Bans from some of the stars, providing they have a big head. Yes I know they all have large egos but I have a wide face so I need bigger Ray Bans. Look at my book covers for details.

Creative Oscar for the best use of bad language is a good category that should have an Oscar on its own. Swearing when used creatively is very funny, and can also be very effective. In Apocalypse Now now a swear was written on a bomb, and in the story somebody was on a charge for writing the curse on a bomb. So which is more obscene, the bomb that kills or a written word on the bomb? Think about it. I can remember discussing this with Janine Bird many years ago, so hello to her if she reads this.

What other Oscars do I like. An Oscar to mothers for screaming at kids for being on the wifi all the time and not putting out the rubbish. I’m sure everybody all over the world could connect with that one. This would go hand in hand with the Oscar to kids who beg for the wifi not to be switched off. Imagine the drama and the utter intensity of it all. You could even break into a Bollywood dance routine, Please Please Please Keep the Wifi on. Then a cruel sadist, normally a dad switches off the wifi. Silence descends on the household, except for the sound of gentle sobbing, the kids are wifiless.

Slapstick I is good when its done well. Look at Charlie Chaplin, I did ask Robert Downey Jnr on Facebook years ago when was he doing Chaplin 2 but he was not impressed. Our paths have not crossed since then. He has since done Ironman, he really is a great actor, and thanks to Elton John he got back in the groove years ago. I was tempted to send Robert Downey Jnr a new message when Ironman came out. My father was a blacksmith you see, so I used to joke with my kids that my dad made Birmingham’s Iron Man statue up in his bedroom in the old people’s home, just to pass the time away.

To my point though, a great routine is really great whether Chaplin or Ironman does it, physical comedy that runs and runs. You could say Jackie Chan should qualify for such an award. An Oscar for it should be given, they gave awards for a silent film years ago, so why not Slapstick. I’m of an age where I saw the Marx Bros and Laurel and Hardy on tv as well as all the 60s stuff and up to the present, so my breath is very wide. Or would this be classed as too old fashioned, they can only have one silent film after all. I’d say classic comedy pieces last forever so why have an Oscar for it. By the way if I bump into Robert Downey Jnr having the bumps knocked out of his flying suit by my dad at the old people’s home I’ll have a word with him. Though my dad died over a decade ago, so it might just be a cobbler banging his suit on a last, instead of my dad. Or am I talking cobblers.

I can also remember misdirection in a routine, Who’s on First in Abbot and Costello when talking about baseball. Linguistic Acrobatics is the fancy name, well worth an Oscar two. I try it in a line or two when I’m talking to you, its fun for the writer and more fun for the actor when they get it right. In Stardust where DeNiro negotiates the price with that English comic you have a fine example of linguistic acrobatics, great film by the way.

So I’ve given you examples of how I see the Oscars should be. Can you ask Robert Downy Jnr. To fly over some left overs to me when the Oscar parties are over, I’ll get him discount with the cobblers for his suit tone up. I have to finish now its late and I need to sleep, but do have a great Oscar’s night whatever colour you wear, in the end we are all naked and the only performance that matters is how we treated the least of our brethren.