Portrait of an Artist as a Young Man

Portrait of an Artist as a Young Man ©

By

Michael Casey

Somebody else used that title, a guy in Ireland, but I think you’ll find that my writing is far far easier to understand, and maybe much more fun. Who would you rather study at GCSE? I did of course try and read the other guy’s book but 40 years ago and more I just found it to be a right pain. So now that tomorrow marks the 30^th anniversary since I finished The Butcher The Baker and The Undertaker, perhaps I should go back and read the other guy’s book. In fact I’m lying as tomorrow is 28th Feb 2018, when in fact it was 29^th Feb 1988 that I finished my masterpiece or is it master of the pees?

A lot has happened in the past 30 years, I met and married in improbable circumstances. I had a wedding day and a class reunion for 25 years on the same day, great time management there. Including doing chemical equations on napkins in MacDonald’s with a PhD in Biochemistry, not me, my bride and my best friend. Then on to a bar and telling my nice postman that I had been Shanghaied literally.

My hair had got more and more wrinkly and silver in colour just like my own mother, you may even think my mother is me in drag should you see the photo. I used to be very strong, almost half as strong as Lech, Boris and Gregorgi my imaginary Polish, Ukrainian and Russian cousins who appear sometimes on my page. Ok, I’m lying 1/3 as strong as the likes of them, but very strong compared to Birmingham folk. The Trio have looked up from their spot at the bar and given me the thumbs up, or I think it was the thumbs up, you can never tell with them. They are warming themselves up before going out into the snow, they drive snow ploughs, what else do you the think they would do. Sit at home playing Ludo and Snakes and Ladders? No the Trio have to be out being useful it is their nature.

These past 30 years have gone so fast, what else has happened? I discovered sleeping in the nude. The Trio have just puked and headed out into the snow storm. But when you have your own place for the first time there is no need of pyjamas. This is great freedom. Then you get married and have daughters so you have to start wearing pyjamas again, or a dressing gown around the house.

Having a quadruple heart bypass means you have to wear PJs in bed again. Why? Well because the scars on both legs and chest can be so sensitive that the bed-sheets rubbing against them makes you jump and even scream. Yes, even 3 years later my left nipple is so sensitive. Lech, Boris and Gregorgi just tapped at the window, but now they have driven the snow ploughs off into the blizzard. Pray that Saint Michael himself looks after them, I’m sure they are his favourites.

What else has happened these past 30 years? Well I’ve gone past 1,260,000 Words now spread over 15 books on Amazon. But remember I am not the Monk, nor the Irish guy, no not James Joyce, but somebody sharing my name. Just look for my silly face and then you’ll find me and my 15 books. 15 Down is my latest, though a 15 down duvet would be very good in this weather.

My writing is simple, just like me, because I want as many people as possible to understand and like it. Not get confused by over long and pretentious sentences. Never talk down to people, just talk, as if you are in a bar with Lech, Boris and Gregorgi having a drink. Never be such a bad writer that people would rather go out and drive that snow plough. And no I didn’t bore the Trio.

Style in writing does make a difference. The Book Thief is the best book I’ve read in my life. Its a 10 and I am a 1 by comparison. Though I would say that some commercial writers may be commercial but for actual writing quality they can be rubbish. If the style is so bad I just cannot read a book, even if the plot is supposed to be good. Making people smile as they read is what I’m about, or if I’m being serious I want people to think, they may not agree with me but I hope that because of the style they will keep on reading. Or maybe you have stopped reading already. I can get Lech, Boris and Gregorgi to pay you a visit at your local pub. The bar bill would bankrupt you, so be nice to me.

Joking apart, the story has to flow, yes as much as the Japanese vodka did when the Trio won that singing competition. If you explain things too much then its boring, if the rhythm isn’t there then the story is bad. It really is in the telling, as Frank Carson used to say. Remember I had years practice telling stories when I worked in a hotel at the front of house. The front of house manager even said I had an “act” which is a bit cruel. But if I had 100,000 micro-conversations over 3 years then that would transfer into the writing. Everything you do or say or feel all goes into the soup that is your life. And when you write a story you are a dinner lady ladling out stories onto the page. Well that’s the way I see it, though I could just be my own mother in drag.