Our Cat the Food Critic

Our Cat the Food Critic ©

By

Michael Casey

Well I’ve had my haircut so I look even more like George Clooney now, though he cannot fart as well as I do, its the only way to tell us apart, the fart. But I digress, where was I, right here sat as ever in front of the keyboard looking at the sky above. I rediscover Sky on Spotify, the band, not Rupert’s toy, and they are very good, so have a listen for yourself.

They shall be hammering out the classics a la heavy metal, well kind of as I talk to you all. So get the headache tablets ready just in case they go a symbol too far. I did in fact hear them live at the Birmingham Odean in the 1980s, I had sprained my elbow after falling over ice skating, so I had my left arm in a sling. In the audience a whole variety of people had arms and legs in bandages, it was like an invalide’s night out, no I’m not making it up, it was maybe 30 years ago.

So as they wail in the background, rather like a cat on a hot tin roof I’ll get to today’s tale. Totoro is as you know the family cat, or rather we are the family she allows to pet her. Cats own you, you never own them, rather like a mistress so I’m led to believe. Dogs you do own and they are loyal beasts. But cats please themselves.

Totoro will come in the back door or through the window if you are slow and then sit on you. Not because she loves you but because she wants wipe her wet fur all over you. Cats are not stupid, dogs are. Cats do A levels, dogs stop at their ABCs, can you discuss linguistics with a dog? No. Case proven. Totoro is of course trilingual. She understands English and Mandarin, and will sprint faster than Hussain Bolt down the stairs to the sound of plastic wrapping paper being opened. Her third language.

She know that means snacks straight from the freezer from the posh shop. 3 months ago we changing our shopping habits to encourage my daughter while she was studying for her GCSEs. On Thursday we will discover has it paid off. Please God she should do very well and start her A levels in the sciences. However even if she has done unexpectedly badly we’ll stick with the fancier food, because its so much nicer. It may help my own health too, you are what you eat after all. Boris I’ll give such a slap, I know what you are thinking. Moi a male model and all, the cheek of it.

Which brings me to Totoro, we feed her Whiskas which is the best and slightly more expensive cat food, though if you use Ocado’s Fetch you can get a good deal on a box of cat food, 84 sachets or so. Totoro is well fed being part of a Chinese/Irish family but she does like to travel, she is young free and single and has been neutered, so this means she can and will jump over all fences to try the cuisine elsewhere.

Totoro can have at just a hop and skip away:-Japanese, French, Spanish, Polish, Indian, Pakistani, Iranian, Turkish food

So why should she just have Whiskas, she can purr and knows how to give that sad kitty look, she has seen Shrek a few times so she has seen the cat in that. So would you stay at home when you can scale the heights of haut cat cuisine?

Totoro may come in at 11pm for a snack then depart an hour later for the delights of the Indian curry house, or she may just be warming herself sat by its chimney. She comes home smelling of all kinds of everything,no Dana does not have a restaurant nearby. My small daughter is a cat smeller, so she’ll sniff the cat to see where she has been. Sometimes she smells of Chanel, which is better than my Jeyes Fluid smell, sometimes she smells of this food or that food, but she always comes home.

Sometimes she’ll come home at 3.30 am waking me up, only to wake another member of the family up 2 hours later so she can attack a passing milk float. I’m sure she helps the local shop keepers open up, then she can receive a reward of something. Cats are not stupid as I’ve said before. She’ll disappear as Polish schoolkids come home or our Japanese neighbour comes home, so she can share their snacks. Excited voices ring out as children play with Totoro, she is a travelling cat who will sit on any mat, she is the United Nations of Cat. Have a mat, she’ll sit on it.

Totoro does of course rate all the cuisine, she leaves her spray :-1,2 or 3 sprays on the dustbin by the back door. 3 strays means the food is delightful, on a par with Michelin, 2 is good, 1 is nice. And should she not like the food, then she’ll leave a brown message by the back door, and no its not a bottle of Guinness, but the same colour.

Later Totoro will return to sit in the window looking out at the world or at our back garden, satisfied, she has had enough, didn’t Satis mean enough back in latin class? Though I did go to school with a Satiswait who was rather large then, he had had more than enough. Funny how you remember things, that was 40 years ago when I was doing my exams.

I need to finish now and have a nap, I’ve managed to get a cold, I have to look after myself now. If only to be able to let the cat in and out at all times of the day and night while my pigs sleep. Did I tell you I discovered my Chinese name Panzi does not mean Fat Fat Boy, they have been calling me PIG all these years. I did used to equal the weight of my wife,my mother in law and my 2 daughters, MC=4C if you like. I think I’ll spray myself all over the dustbins.