I found this by accident as I tidied up tonight.... It may be 6 or even 20 years old
Father Michael S.J. ©
By
Michael Casey
Michael just loved Louise to bits but sadly she did not love him , as she kept on telling him . She was waiting for her dream man , but sadly he would never appear , so Michael had to look elsewhere for a home for his love . So as he was beginning to learn Italian he thought what if . What if he went to Rome , to the English College and trained for the priesthood , at least his Italian would come in handy . Besides he just loved gossip and the confessional was the perfect place to pick up hot juicy gossip . Then just think of it once he got back to England and a Parish of his own he’d have a housekeeper , no more vacuum-cleaning for him, and then he’d be invited out to people’s homes , so he’d never have to live off frozen food and a cold life again . The more he thought about it , the more the idea appealed to him , yes he’d go off to Rome and train for the priesthood . There was the question of sex of course , but he’d cross that bridge when he came to it . There would always be a caring woman , even if they didn’t actually have sex , it would be a kind of relationship of sorts , so he wouldn’t be lonely , he was very talkative after all , he’d soon make friends of all sorts . He could be discrete when he had to be after all .
So Michael started learning Italian , the book said put on a fake Italian accent and mimic the tapes , he did feel a fool but if that was the way to learn then that’s what he’d do . Good job nobody could see him as he first pretended to be the “Godfather” and then Don Camillo . It was a sing-song kind of accent , up and down like a merry-go-round , but without the dizzy sensation . He did four half hour lessons over the weekend , if it wasn’t fun he’d be bored , so by using the little often method he was soon feeling comfortable with Italian .
Rome was nice , it always felt warm , well compared to Birmingham anyway .
Michael’s Italian wasn’t really needed as he was at the English College after all , but once lessons were over he’d put some jeans on with an old tee shirt too , he ditched the shirt and tie the first week he was there , it was just too hot . So jeans and tee shirt was his off duty “uniform” , wandering around Rome was educational , everything seem vibratant , the accent was funny at first , but after a month it no longer made him smile , they really did speak like that , a sing song language , like birds twittering on trees . The prostitutes were also notable by their beauty , if they were so pretty surely they didn’t need to sell their bodies , but it was the oldest profession in the world , with story telling being the second oldest profession , no doubt spilling the beans on who’d done what with whom . The girls grew to recognise Michael , they called him a faggot at first when he turned down their offers of sex , until finally he told them he was training for the priesthood . He was just sight seeing , the “girls” hung out at the popular sights , eager to pick up passing custom , so while Michael sat by the Trevi Fountain , and the Colluseum , and other popular places he’d see faces again and again . So soon he’d get a nod and a wink from the girls as they waited for custom . He also saw them at early Sunday Mass , they were still good Catholic girls after all .It was while he was sitting next to the Trevi fountain that he met Maria , she was an Irish nun from Kerry . So Michael told her that his family were Kerry people too , that broke the ice so they soon became firm friends . It was very humid that night , so Maria took off her veil , only for her long red hair to come tumbling down . Michael groaned inwardly , he just loved red hair , his lusts soon surfaced . They went and had a few wines before saying their goodbyes , not before arranging to meet again . So it soon became a regular feature , Maria would finish at the children’s home and meet him at 9pm at the Trevi fountain . Soon she stopped wearing a veil , just a teeshirt and a skirt . Michael’s lusts just grew and grew , and just when he thought they couldn’t get any bigger they got bigger still .”You know I used to dream of meeting a redhead , before I decided to give my love to God “ he explained . “And I just love big shoulders on a man” came the reply . Neither of them could stop themselves , so soon they were kissing . Several of Michael’s prostitute friends applauded amongst the crowd , one even came up and gave him the key to her flat . Michael looked at Maria and Maria looked at Michael . Inside five minutes they were in bed , having torn the clothes off each other . Celibacy would have to take a back seat from now on . Maria’s tee shirt was torn in two , Michael’s was in tatters too , as for the zip on his trousers , well that was just broken asunder . Their passions spent Michael went through the wardrobe until he found two new teeshirts .
Making their way back to the Trevi fountain they were affraid to look each other in the eye . Michael handed back the key to one of the girls , Antoinette wasn’t there but Julia promised to return the key . “Nice tee shirts “ she said her hand in front of her mouth hiding a smile . Michael and Maria parted , Maria had broken her vows , and Michael would have broken his if he’d had taken them yet . At least Maria wouldn’t be pregnant , her boyfriend had ditched her for being infertile , so she ran away and became a nun , working with children , because she couldn’t have any of her own she loved them the more . As for Michael at least he hadn’t used a condom , so he hadn’t broken another old fashion Catholic law , so his conscience was at least clear on that count . As for the sex , well that was fantastic , though he wouldn’t mention it to Monsignor Ryan his tutor .
So it soon became a regular fixture , Michael and Maria would meet by the fountain and one of the prostitutes would hand Michael the key to her flat . The lust was up to Michael and Maria . Eventually as the months passed the girls had a spare key made , so Michael ended up with twenty keys on a big chain , he sounded like a Jailor as he walked the keys jangling . Rather than a priest who should have the sound of clicking as he walks , the sound of rosary beads rattling . The years rolled by , the girls came to him for spiritual advice , his only advice was use a condom , don’t catch any diseases from your clients , they are clients and you are the client service . He also tried to remind them about the difference between love and sex . Some of the girls did have boyfriends and husbands after all . Sometimes selling your body is the only answer if you have mouths to feed and bills to pay . Michael never saw things in black and white any more , there were always shades of grey .” God is merciful “, is what he always said when he finished talking to the girls The time came for Michael’s ordination , and Maria said the sex must stop , she was returning to England and she wouldn’t tell him where . Once he took his vows he must return to celibacy . She would not lead him astray , yes she’d broken her vows , but that was different , she wasn’t going to help him break his . Michael couldn’t understand the logic . He said he’d not take his vows , but she insisted as did the prostitutes , he would make a good preacher and confessor , he had the gift of listening , of not being judgemental , he would make a good priest , his mind was open . But Maria’s legs were closed , and crossed . There would be no sex , he would just have to accept it . There would never be a relationship either , so he had to become a priest . If only Louise had fallen in love with him he wouldn’t be in this predicament , but it was because Louise turned him down that he had come to Rome and it was in Rome where he met Maria . A redhead called Maria , who really did love him and fullfilled all his dreams and fantasies , and he hers .
God it wasn’t fair . So Michael was ordained , with twenty prostitutes looking on , he couldn’t invite them as his personal guests , but they were there in the church looking on . Barry and Steve had flown over from Birmingham to watch the ceremony , they hadn’t the heart to tell Michael that Aston Villa were playing Roma in some football competition , that was the real reason they were there . But the three of them got pissed together after the ceremony , with Michael’s “girls” joining in the fun . So Michael was now Father Michael S.J. , so soon he’d return to England and his new parish . The first thing he did was go back to “Stats” and say mass for them in the production office . If they knew what he’d been up too they’d all condemn him , all except his true friends . And if they knew the stories the carpet tiles could tell , beneath their very feet . A lot happens on a weekend night shift in the 70s and 80s , the Trevi Fountain was not the only place where things happen !
So Michael was given his Parish , it was in the Black Country just outside Birmingham , it was the Parish of The Blacksmith and Singing Anvil , next to an old steel works , it was actually called Saint Judes . Michael was depressed , he still loved Maria , he should have never become a priest , but there was a shortage , and they had to work till at least 75 , thats why late vocations were allowed . So he fervently prayed for guidance , Saint Jude is the patron saint of the impossible , so anything was possible . Then one day Mrs Murphy came for confession , she was a good talker and he was a good listener , so eventually he told her his confession . She was shocked at first but then she told him about her Patrick . Patrick had been heartbroken when the girl of his dreams left him . But one day when the RSPCA came to pick up a stray dog hadn’t the RSPCA man been a woman , and hadn’t it been love at first sight , even though Patrick had smelt like a poof . Patrick had smelt like a poof because his friend Amjit had made him a curry , no ordinary curry but one called “Calcutta Surprize” , because it caught you unawares . So Patrick had to shower repeatedly because of the surprize , and he ended up smelling like a poof and when Patrick had tried to explain to June , that was the RSPCA man’s or rather woman’s name she thought that Amjit was his boyfriend , and not just a friend , and that “Calcutta Surprize” was some form of gay sex act , and not a curry. Anyway Mrs Murphy’s tale had made Michael laugh , so as there was no more people to confess the pair went and had a cuppa in the presbetory . The long and the short of it was that Patrick got June pregnant , and June had been saving herself . But it was the will of God so Mrs Murphy was happy , besides Patrick was 30 and it least it proved that he wasn’t really a poof !
The next day Maria arrived , Mrs Murphy knew what true love was , and she knew Maria because she worked at the children’s home , you see Patrick was given a penance by the priest for getting June pregnant before marriage , the penance was to raise money for the children’s home . The very home where Maria had fled to , when she decided to end her relationship with Michael , who says that life isn’t a circle . Maria rung the bell on the presbytery door , Michael opened it and screamed with the shock . They didn’t get as far as the bedroom , by the way you do know that all priests are given single beds to remind them they are single , well that’s the theory anyway . No , they got as far as the stairs . Their child was conceived on the stairs of St Jude’s presbytery . You see nothing is impossible to God , yes he needs priests , but God believes in true love too . Michael got a job working for Patrick in the bakery and Maria opened a sandwich shop , with Michael helping out . They went on to have eight children , you see St Jude is emphatic , never say never ,never say impossible to St. Jude or God for that matter,
LOVE WILL ALWAYS FIND A WAY .
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