Tinnitus
and Phlegm Solicitors ©
By
Michael
Casey
Tinnitus
and Phlegm were Solicitors in London, their office was 25 paces away from
Morley and Scrooge, though Morley and Scrooge were nothing compared to them,
they were just money lenders, but Tinnitus and Phlegm were Solicitors, they had
even studied at Oxford. Tinnitus wore a tall tall hat and strode with his very
long legs, so he knew that the common money lenders were exactly 25 paces away,
or 40 for short people. Tinnitus was tall, so tall that the French fishmonger
called him deux metres, but only behind his back, or Tinnitus would strike his
back with his silver topped cane.
Phlegm,
was fat and round, very round, the French fishmonger called Phlegm grosse deux
metre, 2 fois 2 egale 4, so if the 2 were together then then fish monger called
them les deux quatre metres. They were a
strange pair, but they liked his fish, so they were good customers. Fish is for
brains was what the pair of solicitors always used to say as they carried their
fish away, inside of an old piece of newspaper no doubt with a new Charles
Dickens story printed on it.
The fish
was cooked and eaten with a smack of the lips, the cat called Dickens ate the
head as a reward for keeping the rats away. London was full of rats after all,
it was 1843 and the Thames was full of boats and rats.
Now
Tinnitus had wanted to be a sailor but his family were Solicitors so a
solicitor was he, no sea for him. He did watch the cannon being fired, he stood
close so he could smell the smoke. Only he stood too close and as well as the
smoke a cannon misfired and nearly killed him, it was supposed to be seaman’s
drill but it nearly killed him. And now Tinnitus had forever the noise in his
ears, the sound of and explosion followed by a whoosh as a cannon ball just
missed his head. The doctor could not mend his ears, but as the Dr, a Dr Watson
was a family friend he decided to name the condition after Tinnitus. And that
is how Tinnitus came into the language. Dr Watson explained it to Charles
Dickens his dear friend when they were down the pub drinking ale, Sherlock the
barman thought it was a great tale too, before being told to know his place and
get another round in.
Phlegm
really was called Phlegm, the family had come to England from the Low Countries
several generations ago. Phlegm could not get used to the London smog by the
river, what with the tanners and the fish smoking, so his weak chest meant he
forever had phlegm and was always spitting it up into the spittoon by his desk.
Though Tinnitus and Phlegm never had need to buy glue, they just used the
bucket of phlegm to stick postage stamps on, or to stick posters on walls
advertising their Solicitors services. They were ahead of their time as far as
recycling was concerned, Waste not Want not.
One of
their best customers was a Mr Pickwick, he was so very rich, he had folding
money, so much folding money, coins were for criminals he often joked. Mr
Pickwick was a Paper man, though he could be a Tiger the ladies said. In fact
Mr Pickwick owned high class Whore Houses, his first was called the Nevada club,
because he had travelled the world and liked Nevada so much. He was forever
buying houses, the kind only whores and the poor would live in, but he had to
squirrel his money away someplace. And Slum dwellings brought in a steady
income, though he did buy a fancy house for himself, off Sloan Square, and
other places for his high-class whore business. The Rich and Gentry could not
be expected to visit bad areas after all, their whoring must be done in high
class areas, they had their reputations to keep after all.
So, Mr
Pickwick visited Tinnitus and Phlegm so they could handle all his paper work,
and even more eagerly handle his large white paper five-pound notes. Then with
Tinnitus saying it’s just 25 paces away Mr Pickwick would go to Morley and
Scrooge to get them to arrange the rental of his slums, a perfect business
operation. Sally one of the local whores used to bump into Mr Pickwick, but
he’d just bowl her over, she was no lady. He only had Fallen Ladies work in his
high class whore house, because they could talk proper, and were good in the
bedroom department too. So Sally was bowled over into the mud, and horse pooh,
she nearly was killed one day, but Bill Sykes saved her, but that’s another
story or two.
London in
the 1840s was a different place than it is today, but for Tinnitus and Phlegm
it was good very good even, they even got invited to Nevada, Solicitors finding
nirvana in Nevada, a high class whore house. Obviously, Morley and Scrooge were
never invited, they were just money lenders and lower class people, not high
class solicitors, so no invites for them. Tinnitus and Phlegm enjoyed life and
all of Mr Pickwick’s business, so much so that on occasion they would offer a
drink to keep the cold out. It was French cognac, the fishmonger had a bottle
and Tinnitus enquired what it was, so when he tasted it he enticed the
fishmonger to get him a few bottles. Hence French cognac for Mr Pickwick.
And it
was because of the cognac and Dickens the cat that Mr Pickwick died. You see he
had a drop too much as it was such a cold day, that he slipped on a stray fish head
that Dickens the cat had left lying about, he banged his head on the cast iron stove
and that was that. It would have been ruin for Tinnitus and Phlegm, so they had
to think who to blame for the sudden death, and Dickens the cat couldn’t tell a
tale, and take the blame.
They thought
long and hard then they remember Jacques the fishmonger and Jill his wife. He’d
said they were going back to France forever to look after his mother in Yvetot,
so an idea was hatched. Mr Pickwick was stripped and placed in a trunk, with a
few fish heads too. Then the trunk was taken to Jacques’ fishing boat, Tinnitus
said he always wanted to be a sailor, and it was the truth. But now everything
he had saved for being a sailor, books and so forth he was going to symbolically
throw away at sea. Jacques thought he really was a stupid Englishman, they
really were A Nation of Shopkeepers, or butcher baker undertaker. But for a
gold sovereign he’d let him act his play out, who did he think he was Shakespeare,
to be Candide. So, Jacques let Tinnitus throw the trunk overboard into the English
Channel, all the time he hid his face up his sleeve, or la Manche as the French
say, the fish in the trunk stunk after all.
Tinnitus
had got away with murder, or accidental death due to slipping on a cat’s fish head.
When he got back to the office, Tinnitus used his left hand to forge Mr Pickwick’s
signature. He inherited everything. Thus Tinnitus became a big noise in the
entertainment business, the British are Phlegmatic after all.
