My Favourite Things By Theresa May

My Favourite Things By Theresa May
by
Michael Casey (really)

Well those bastards shafted me, all 27 of them, where were you Cameron, in your garden shed playing dead. Writer's Block more like Boris's *****, I stand alone on the bridge of state, oh how I wish it was easy Watergate, but instead I'm always late. Late for this and late for that like some Canute of History, and will anybody care.

But at least my husband loves me, and that is worth more to me than all those conspiring conspirators. I think I'll go and buy some more shoes, Clarks has a sale, and that Michael Casey was their uncool dad of the year in 2015, and he always wears Clarks. So I'll cheer myself up with a half hour of surfing their shoe website. Though waterboarding those back benchers might be more productive and fun, if I might have an unChristian thought.

John Major as right, they are all bastards. Oh, look the Clarks sale is so good, I'll have 2 pairs of those. If only they sold those James Bond shoes with poisoned tipped knives, Jacques and those EU bastards would soon jump with a kick up their collective backside. I'll have 2 pairs of those other ones too, I have to look good at the Party Conference, though not too shiny though or the tv cameras will upskirt me from the reflection in my shoes. At least Laura is nice to me, well once she's done that piece to  camera. Afterwards we have a good girlie talk  together, I had 27 EU bastards, but she has to face the Labour Conference, so who has the harder life. I think that's why we Bond so much, Basildon Bond the tea that is. Though if Edris was a baddie in a Bond film, now that would raise both our blood pressures. I'd certainly give the Elbow to any Edris haters.

I had a phone call from Julie Andrews, she said she's have said supercalifragelistic expealidoscious or whatever, and that would have sorted out those 27 EU monsters. The Sound of Music, the sound of a lynch mob more like it. She also sent me some chocolate, I said I'd give it to my security crew, I am diabetic after all, but it is the thought that counts. I love Julie, Mary Poppins is my favorite film after all. How she made the toys march back and forth, I just wish I could have done that to the EU 27.

I suppose I could write a cook book once the bastards knife me at the conference, Rees Mogg is not in favour of the nanny state, but is in favour of nannies. He wants to turn me into a Mummy, wrap me up and put me in a tomb to be forgotten for 2000 years. Old Cameron whistled while he worked his way back into No.10 then he disappeared into the oblivion of Writers Block, I should not chuckle, it's very unChristian,  but so very enjoyable. Leave a women to clean up a man's mess. Everybody would vote Remain now, we're up the creek without a paddle, but a Prime Minister has to carry on, without any Sid James laughing in the wings.

Well I better email Donald and tell him how much I love his hair, he did at least take my recommendation for the new shampoo. I did not tell him that it was radioactive as well, he'd think that was something to do with radio. It could scramble his brains, but would anybody notice.

Ah well I better empty out the swear box the vicar left, I've manage to feed 5000 with all the swearing I've done, at least the EU can be proud of that.