Michael G Casey email only michaelgcasey@hotmail.com
The Butcher , The Baker and The Undertaker(C)
By
Michael Casey
Chapter Seven...And for Your Penance...
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Two weeks passed , during which time Patrick and June spent
every second together , bonding is the technical term for it . Patrick had
bought some superglue for the bed , it was supposed to bond in seconds ,
and last a lifetime , perhaps like Patrick and June's love . One thing was
by now certain , June was pregnant , it was time for Patrick to meet her
parents .
June rode her bike to the bakery , then she got into Patrick's
V.W. , together they would drive to meet her parents in Harbourne . It was
High Noon for this Cinderella , but hopefully no blood would be spilt ,
she had told her father already . Her father had asked just one simple
question , "are you happy ?" , the smile in her eyes as she firmly said
"yes" proved to him that she was . He was on her side , but what about her
mother ?
Patrick licked his lips and played with his tie as he drove to
Harbourne , he hated ties , but June said her mother prefered men to wear
ties .
"Don't be so glum , she's not a dragon , sticks and stones can break your
bones but my mother will only use her tongue , " said June .
"What about the lad you were going to get engaged to , she scratched his
face and your dad kicked his arse , " said a worried Patrick .
"I told you dad's on our side , its just mom we have to convince , besides
its us not them if it comes to it , " said June kissing Patrick on the
cheek .
Percy who was driving towards them in the hearse smiled as he passed by ,
he was pleased for Patrick , even if he had got things in the wrong order.
"See if Percy can smile why cann't you , " chided June .
"He's not driving himself to his own funeral is he , " answered Patrick .
"If you don't cheer up I'll tickle you , " said June as she started to
tickle Patrick .
Patrick laughed and the car veered a little , there was a flash of blue
light and a siren sounded , Patrick slowed and stopped . Luckily it was
Sgt.Mulholland .
"What's got into you Patrick , you could have caused an accident . "
"Sorry Muls , I'm off to meet my future mother-in-law , only she doesn't
know yet that she's going to be a grandmother , " began Patrick .
"He was looking so sad , so I tickled him , its my fault , " said June
interrupting and shrugging her shoulders .
"It's ok I won't arrest you this time , we cann't have the baby being born
in Winson Green Prison after all . But watch it , and don't forget my
wedding invitation , " with that Sgt.Mulholland got back into his squad
car .
From his squad car a smile on his face he said on his loudspeaker , "Well
I hope the superglue works and if the mother-in-law gives you any trouble
I'm in the phone book , 999 , that's me , " laughing at his own joke
Sgt.Mulholland sped off .
June blushed , Patrick muttered "bastard" under his breath .
"Well at least the glue did work , " laughed June .
Patrick laughed too , the mother-in-law would be a doodle now , if not
then they knew Sgt.Mulholland's phone number .
June rang the front door bell , her father opened the door . He
stood there and looked at Patrick , they sized each other up . June felt
tense too , just as she had when she waited for her pregnancy test
results . It was like waiting for the parachute to open on your first
jump , the theory was all very well but the proof was in the pudding , or
the opening chute rather . A full minute went by before Mr Kemp held out
his hand , he was handing over his daughter , he was giving up control .
"Come on in , welcome , I've got to like you , June does so I do , " he
squeezed the life out of Patrick's hand , and placed the other hand on
top .
It was the handshake of welcome , though judging by look in his eye there
was also a warning , hurt my daughter and I'll hurt you . It wasn't spoken
but Patrick knew it was there . June hugged her father , he'd been fair ,
now it was just her mother who'd need convincing . Patrick was led along a
plush corridor to the back living room , for him it felt like the last
walk to the gallows , only instead of the gallows there was June's mother
waiting , a human electric chair .
Patrick entered the room and gulped , they had decided to get
it over and done with quickly , her mother would sense what was to come as
soon as a man arrived , so they'd make things plain as soon as possible .
"Who was that at the door ? " smiled Mrs Kemp .
She noticed Patrick , he was holding June's hand , the current was
switched on , Mrs Kemp's eyes registered power on .
"Oh , its June , she's brought us her young man , " replied Mr Kemp ,
hoping to earth his wife .
Mrs Kemp straigtened , current rising , the cat jumped from her lap , the
cat showed its claws , all Mrs Kemp needed was a witch's hat .
"He's holding your hand , he must know you rather well , " her smile grew
as did the current , the hair on Patrick's head began to rise .
"Yes mum , he knows me well , " June replied , squeezing Patrick's hand
even harder .
Mr Kemp could feel the power surge so he moved in to dampen it , he'd have
to make a big sacrifice but June was worth it . He went to the drinks
cabinet and poured his wife a large measure from the bottle of Wayne's
Special Reserve , he'd been given it when he had finished help lay Wayne's
new carpet . Mrs Kemp took the glass and sipped it , then as the sparks
flashed from her eyes she finished off the whisky , it was a very good
drop but nothing was going to divert her .
"I guessed he knows you very well , but I do hope he's not like the last
boy , " Mrs Kemp flexed her fingers , they were like flick knives , she'd
only just finished painting them , they were blood red .
The current ebbed and flowed in her , she was like a tiger on the prowl ,
just waiting for the right moment to pounce .
"Patrick is not like the last lad , he's special , in fact very special ,
he's a gentle and kind man , he likes dogs too , " June said , though she
felt like King Canute trying to stop her mother's surge .
"Doesn't he have a tongue in his head , or is he the dumb kind ? " asked
Mrs Kemp smiling sweetly , though her sweet smile meant the opposite .
"Of course he does , here let me get you a refill , " said Mr Kemp again
trying to discharge the current .
This time Mr Kemp filled the glass to the brim , it was a waste of good
whisky , yet June was worth it .
"Of course I have a tongue , and teeth too , " said Patrick the current
had stung him .
"So why are you honouring us with your presence , " asked Mrs Kemp , her
words felt like a cattle prod .
June and Patrick exchanged looks , both gulped , Mr Kemp closed his eyes .
"Well I've come here to ask your permission to marry June , " said Patrick
Mrs Kemp choked on her whisky , then she downed it all in one , Mr Kemp
hurried to refill her glass , if she was drunk then her charge would be
discharged .
"Yes , we are going to be married , we are in love ! " exclaimed June .
"Don't be foolish child , you must only know him a matter of weeks , "
scolded Mrs Kemp , as the charge grew within her .
"Don't call me a child , I am 28 , I am a woman ! " retorted June .
Mr Kemp hovered with the bottle , it was a criminal waste , but he had to
earth his wife some how .
"Woman , you , what do you mean ? " Mrs Kemp's eyes flashed like
lightening , her eyes were trying to fry Patrick .
June blushed , then she kissed Patrick , she kissed him the same way she
had that evening in the Trader . She was proving a point . Mrs Kemp
knocked back another glass of Wayne's Special Reserve , this was terrible
her child was behaving like a common slut .
"So he does know you well , just how well , " Mrs Kemp got out of her
chair , she stood on the cat's tail as she did so , the cat spat , but Mrs
Kemp was spitting even more .
Mr Kemp took a swig from the bottle before filling his wife's glass , he
poured till the glass overflowed ,the cat licked up the Whisky and began
to smile , Whisky is better than Whiskers any day .
"We know each other well enough to want to get married , " said Patrick .
"But you are only a child , look what we saved you from with that last
chap , all he wanted was your money , " Mrs Kemp was ignoring Patrick now.
"We are getting married , I'm going to be Mrs June Murphy ! "
Mrs Kemp flinched , as if the currrent had changed direction and stung
her , was that Murphy she had heard . Mr Kemp took another swig from the
bottle , before filling his wife's glass again .
"Mrs Murphy , that name rings a bell . It's Irish anyway , you cann't
become an Irish wife . The Irish are only good for digging roads and
having hoards of children , " Mrs Kemp stopped , she looked shocked .
"He hasn't has he , " her eyes were pleading .
"He has , and I have , it takes two mother , " said a defiant June .
"Pregnant ! But you cann't be you're a virgin , " Mrs Kemp was confused ,
the current within her was going around and around in circles , the whisky
had finally reached the spot .
"They love each other , cann't you see that , June is a sensible girl , do
you think she'd wait till she was 28 just to get pregnant with the wrong
boy ? " asked Mr Kemp as he took another swig from the bottle .
"Murphy , I remember that name , we leant them money years ago . Oh God
no , we lend them money now the son comes back for the lot , well that's
the Irish for you , " Mrs Kemp grabbed the bottle from her husband's hand
and took a good swig from it .
"Look I'm not after your bloody money you can keep it , all I want is
June , you can have the bloody tie back too , its one of your husband's
June made me wear it ! " Patrick tore off the tie and threw it in Mrs
Kemp's face .
"But do you have to marry him , cann't you have the baby adopted , or not
have it or something ? " begged Mrs Kemp the whisky talking .
"You bitch , don't you ever speak to June like that ! " snapped Patrick .
"Yes , shut up you old bitch ! " snapped Mr Kemp , who had wanted to say
that for years , now thanks to Wayne's Special Reserve he had said it .
June's heart lept , her father was on her side , he really did like
Patrick , she knew it ! . Mrs Kemp slumped in the chair , she drained the
bottle to the last drop . The cat had drunk all the spilt whisky so he now
jumped on Mrs Kemp's lap , the two bitches fell asleep .
"Ignore her , she's a professional virgin , she just doesn't understand
love , I hope you give me lots of grandchildren , " Mr Kemp belched then
fell over unconscience , Patrick only just managed to catch him .
June held up Patrick's hand "A knockout , the winner is love ! "
They kissed again , free of any inhibitions , it was good that June's
parents were both unconscience , they'd have fainted if they saw how the
pair kissed .
A week later Patrick took June to the early Sunday Mass , he
wanted to have a word with Fr.Shaw . All through the Mass Fr.Shaw was
watching them like a hawk , he had to make his mind up about them , if he
wasn't certain , then he wouldn't marry them . June and Patrick were the
last to leave the church that Sunday morning , Patrick wanted to have
Fr.Shaw's undivided attention .
"Can I have a word Father ? " Patrick felt and sounded like a teenager .
"Well its my job isn't it ? " Fr.Shaw looked up at Patrick from under his
large eyebrows , Fr.Shaw had a mischievious look about him , in school in
the thirties his schoolteacher in Castleisland had said that one day he'd
hang .
"Well Father , could you marry me ? " began Patrick .
"What are you asking me , do you know priests don't marry , besides I'm
not one of those quare fellows , so I won't be marrying you , cann't you
get a nice girl like this one here to take a shine to you ? " said Fr.Shaw
as he began to laugh heartily at his own joke .
June laughed , Patrick looked confused before the penny dropped and he
joined in . They followed Fr.Shaw from the porch up into the presbetry ,
once in his study he sat in his old battered armchair and waited for them
to sit down .
"Well Patrick it is nice to see you coming to Mass more regularly ,its not
just because they have stopped the Sunday milk deliveries is it , of
course it isn't , you're a nice good Catholic boy after all . "
"You see Father I want to marry June here , " Patrick glanced at June .
"Well now , marriage is a Holy thing not to be entered into lightly , its
not like a night out at the pictures you know , " Fr.Shaw sounded serious.
"My mother says that too , " said Patrick looking at the ground .
"One should only marry if you mean to stay married , till death do us
part and all , and church isn't just for the photo album either , it makes
me so sad to hear people say how pretty a church is when they only see the
inside of one when they get married , " Fr.Shaw sighed .
"I want to be with Patrick forever , " smiled June .
"So you do my child , so you do , " said Fr.Shaw from beneath his eyebrows
"I feel the same way too , " Patrick looked Fr.Shaw in the eye .
"Now you have done things in the wrong order , haven't you ? " Fr.Shaw
sounded like a doctor rather than a fire and brimstone priest .
"Well that's my fault , but I'm not ashamed , I love Patrick , its just
that , that , " June struggled for the words .
"The volcano exploded , " said Fr.Shaw sucking his lips .
"Yes , " said June .
"Yes , " said Patrick .
"June , you're not a Catholic , would you be willing to let the child grow
up as one ? " Fr.Shaw looked intently at her .
"Well I've never really thought about it , but I went to Saint Paul's ,
my friends there were Catholics .Why not , perhaps some time in the future
I might become a Catholic too , " answered June .
"We don't want to presurise you , the days of the Inquisition are long
over , " Fr.Shaw said softly .
"Well the more I have in common with Patrick the better , " smiled June .
"Well Patrick , June , everybody I have ever married has stayed married ,
till death do us part , so if I agree to marry you I hope you won't go
spoiling my record , " Fr.Shaw scoured their faces .
"We won't ! "
"Fine , I'll marry you at the end of the month , is that ok ? "
"Great , " said June .
"Now the little matter of being early starters , really I should give you
a penance Patrick . June has been a pagan , but you a nice Catholic boy
should have know better than to steal a maiden's virginity . "
June blushed , Patrick squirmed in his chair .
"Well you see I'm an old and simple Jesuit back from the missions , my
health isn't what it used to be , so Patrick for your penance . "
June and Patrick held their breath ,they watched as Fr.Shaw stroked his
eyebrows before he pronounced the penance .
"The penance for stealing a maiden's virginity is , organise a fete for
the children's home this Saturday , you must raise as much as possible for
the children . Then perhaps you will realise that though making children
is fun it is also a responsibility , so raise some money for all the
children in the home . And by the way I want June to spend more time with
her family till the wedding , if you know what I mean , besides it will
give the glue a chance to work ! " with that the old Jesuit began to
laugh .
June blushed , Patrick wanted to swear but couldn't , so instead they all
laughed .
The next day Patrick went around the street with his begging
bowl , he knew Big Sid adored children so he started with him . Big Sid
was tenderising some steak as Patrick came in the shop .
"Bastards , " shouted Sid .
The customers jumped , Sid hammered the steak even more , Sid looked up to
see Patrick standing at the counter .
"It was on the radio just , a man who battered his child to death only got
five years in jail . I know what I'd do , " Sid gave a final wallop to the
meat before serving his customer .
"I hope I've not come at an inconvenient time , its just that Fr.Shaw gave
me a penance for being an early starter , " Patrick looked at the sawdust
on the floor of the shop .
"Oh you mean about you getting June in the family way , I heard all about
it , Percy had an early funeral this morning , him and Fr.Shaw had a right
old laugh at your expense . It's a good idea that , let the penance fit
the crime , " Sid was smiling .
"So you can provide a few things ? " Patrick looked hopeful .
"Well a goose to raffle and a few chickens . "
"Thanks from me and the children's home , " said Patrick as he turned to
leave the butchers .
"Hang on a sec , childrens' home , Percy only said it was for a home , he
didn't mention any children . Stuff the chickens , I'll get you a pig to
roast and a side of beef . Children deserve the best , they are the future
after all , " Big Sid's chest swelled .
"Thanks Sid , " Patrick nodded his appreciation and left the shop .
Sid finished serving his customers then wiping his hands on his apron he
went in the back to make a phone call .
"Hello , its Big Sid here give me Len tell him its most important . "
"Len here what's up , has somebody been trying a fast one ? " Len's voice
sounded urgent he never let anybody get one over him .
"No you're ok , how's the wife ? " asked Sid .
"Fine , the boys too , " Len was relaxing now .
"How's all those grandchildren of yours , " Sid sounded genuine and was .
"Great just great ,I'm gonna be a granddad for the tenth time next week ,
its gonna be a girl , they had one of those scan things , " Len was all
relaxed now as he lit another large cigar .
"You heard on the radio about that man who battered his kid ? " enquired
Sid as he scratched his ear .
"Yes I did , I'd stick the bleeder in my deep freeze till his knackers
dropped off , " said an indignant Len .
"It's always the children that suffer , " sighed Sid .
"Yes the poor kids , just like in Romania , it was on the telly , " sighed
Len .
"It's been nice chatting to you , " Sid was about to hang up .
"Yes , I always enjoy our chats , " Len was about to hang up too .
"Oh , I nearly forgot , a friend on the street got his girl pregnant , so
his priest said that for his penance he had to organise a fete for the
childrens' home , " began Sid .
"God , that's funny , his girl has a bun in the oven and he has to
arrange a fete for the children's home , " Len laughed as he blew smoke
rings .
"Its even funnier , when you think that he's a baker and she has a bun in
the oven , " laughed Sid .
The two laughed heartily .
"So I was wondering can you let me have a pig to roast and a side of beef
too , none of this foreign muck , good old British beef , and at discount
too , as it is for the sake of the children , " asked Big Sid .
"Of course I can , come to think of it you can have it for free , I don't
want anybody to think I don't like kids , me soon to be a granddad for
the tenth time , " Len swelled with pride as if he was carrying the baby
himself .
"I'm willing to pay , " said a sincere Sid .
"Look if I say something I do it , you know me , besides I will be helping
somebody with his penance won't I , " Len laughed heartily and put the
phone down .
Len felt good , he took another puff from his cigar before scratching his
head , just how had he managed to talk himself into giving a few hundred
pounds of meat away . He sighed and took another puff from his cigar ,
what the hell , he was going to be a granddad for the tenth time . As for
Sid he put down the phone and wondered how he'd managed to get Len to do
that , nobody ever pulled a fast one on Len . Sid looked slightly
bemused , he stood staring at the phone , perhaps he should ring Len back
he hadn't given him the details or anything . What the hell , it was for
the sake of the children after all .
Patrick went to see Percy next , just what he was going to ask
he hadn't a clue and how could an undertaker help a fete for children
anyway ? Percy let Patrick in and led him to the office .
"Well you know why I'm here , can you help in anyway ? " asked Patrick .
"I'm sure there's something I can do to help , " said Percy .
Andy came in to write something in the office diary , as he wrote Percy
pondered outloud .
"What can we do for the fete , hum , let me think , " Percy scratched his
head .
"Well I could print off some leaflets on my Atari , now that we've
invested in a laser printer they will come off real fast , " said Andy as
he finished writing the entry in the diary .
"Like you did before , " said Patrick with a wink .
Andy blushed , he was still young and naive enough to think that nobody on
the street had realised it was him the last time .
"Well we could turn up with the cars and give rides in them , œ1 for a
ride of a hundred yards , people love a Rolls , and a look at a hearse
would interest people , " said Percy .
"That sounds great , it starts at noon and goes on till seven or later if
I can get some entertainment , " said Patrick .
"Ok leave it with us , you better get on with your penance , " Percy
paused before adding , " its a bit like a modern fairy tale really . "
Patrick rolled his eyes and left them in the eternal peace of their
undertakers' office .
Outside Patrick was surprised to see June with hairy Amjit
pulling her along the pavement .
"I just thought I'd come and see how you are doing . Amjit has decided he
wants to see his new home too , " said June looking down at Amjit .
"Woof , " said hairy Amjit , who wanted to prove that he was no dumb
animal , hairy yes , dumb no .
In his store Amjit , the none hairy one that is , he heard the enormous
woof , so he came out to see what was happening . Jaswinder followed her
father outside .
"I see both your girlfriends are with you , " Amjit laughed .
"Come over here and I'll introduce them to you properly , " shouted
Patrick .
Amjit and Jaswinder came over the road to say their hellos . Jaswinder hid
behind her dad's legs , June soon persuaded her that though the hairy
Alsation was big he had a heart of gold .
"What's he called then , " asked Jaswinder ready to duck behind her
father's legs at any moment .
"Well you have a teddy called Patrick , so Patrick has a dog called Amjit
the same name as your dad , " June savoured her words .
Amjit's kiss curl visibily straightened ,the smile on his face disappeared
too , the tables had been turned and he knew it .
"But man you cann't do that , I'll have a confused child , man you just
cann't do that , " Amjit held out his hands begging .
"Amjit ! " shouted Jaswinder .
"Woof ! " replied hairy Amjit .
"Amjit ! " laughed Jaswinder as she stole a stroke of his hairy back .
"Woof ! " replied hairy Amjit as he licked her face .
"See daddy , he has the same name as you , " Jaswinder was all smiles , it
was great as far as she was concerned .
"Come on lets go to Big Sid's perhaps he has some pork scratchings for
him , " June held out her hand for Jaswinder .
So Jaswinder skipped up the road , with every skip she shouted out the
dog's name , the barks echoed around the street .
"You're a bastard Patrick , " said Amjit .
"It takes one to know one , besides I owe you one after that Calcutta
Surprise , " laughed Patrick .
Amjit smiled , Patrick was right , in fact Amjit had got off easily .
"Well now that I've got your attention , can you help with the children's
fete this Saturday ? " Patrick still felt uneasy asking people for help .
"Sure , we'll make some pasties and I can donate a few sacks of spuds ,
people always like baked potatoes , " said Amjit as he looked up the
street to see his daughter teaching the dog the Indian for "Sit " and
"Give us the paw " .
"You'll have a very confused dog , " Amjit motioned with his head .
"No , just a multi lingual one , " laughed Patrick .
Hairy Amjit soon mastered Indian , well enough to get himself some pork
scratchings at any rate . Patrick smiled as he started off down the road ,
he'd try Mark's next .
Mark had his cake book on the counter when Patrick came in ,
Henry the road sweeper had been in and he'd told Mark about Patrick's
penance , he'd heard from Michael who had heard from Percy . The grapewine
was working ,in fact Marvin Gaye's "Heard it on the Grapevine" was playing
on Mark's radio as Patrick came in the cafe . So all Patrick had to do was
offer some sacks of flour , the baking would be done in Mark's and at
Patrick's bakery , Mark would make them up first . Patrick left Mark
pondering over what delights he'd make , he'd pop into Smiling Paul's
next .
A heated arguement was going on in Paul's , somebody had lost a
slip and a few hundred pounds , Paul wasn't going to pay out even if they
called him "Scrooge" . Patrick hovered at the door , on impulse he decided
to capitalise on events .
"He's not that bad , " he began .
"He's tighter than a taxman , " somebody yelled .
"No he's not , he's going to be making money for charity this Saturday ,
he'll have a stall at the childrens' home , all profits for the kids . He
should make a thousand pound for them ! " Patrick had let his tongue run
away with him .
"Yes , I'll be there , I'll be making money for charity , so lets have
none of this about me being a bent bookie . Anybody knows , no slip , no
payout ! " shouted Smiling Paul .
"See you all at the children's home this Saturday , " shouted Patrick as
he left Smiling Pauls' .
He had defused things a little and managed to con Smiling Paul into coming
too , Patrick looked perplexed , just how had he done that , he shrugged
his shoulders and forgot about it .
Patrick looked up the street and smiled at June , their smile
was like a ray of sunshine , it warmed and made them both feel glad , they
knew they were made for each other , so what if they were early starters .
Patrick entered the Trader as hairy Amjit was selling his soul for pork
scratchings , just think of the power a little Indian girl called
Jaswinder had in her hand .
"So you went to confession then , " smirked Annie .
"It beats an Our Father and a Glory Be doesn't it , " laughed Betty .
"Look girls , " began Patrick .
"Boys will be boys , " said Annie .
"And girls will be girls , " said Betty .
"And they end up having babies , " finished Patrick , he could see it
coming .
"Well I suppose you want me to run a bar ? " said Wayne getting to the
point .
"I had hoped for a few donations , I wasn't going to ask for a bar , I
mean that would be too much to ask , " Patrick said softly .
"Well don't ask then , but that's what you've got , besides it will be a
day out for the family , I'll stick a note on the door telling my
customers to go to the childrens' home if they want a drink , " Wayne said
it as if he was telling the time , it was all settled .
"Thanks from me and the childrens' home , " Patrick nodded his thanks , he
couldn't believe how nice people were .
When he'd left the pub the twins turned to their father and kissed him .
"Well he is one of your "uncles" after all , " Wayne felt embarrassed .
"Oh daddy can we build sand castles , " joked Annie .
"Can I have a ride on a donkey p l e a s e , " asked Betty fluttering her
eyelashes .
"Stop making a fool of your father and fetch me my diary , I'm sure we can
get the breweries to help too , " Wayne winked , he had an idea .
Outside Patrick bumpted into Jimmy , Patrick said he was sorry
and was about to carry on with his penance when Jimmy called him back .
"Hey aren't you forgetting something , I may be a Jew but I'd like to help
a nice Catholic boy do his penance , " Jimmy held out his hands like a
magician proving they were empty .
"Oh I wasn't going to ask you , I mean the rest of the street are
Christians and it is a Catholic childrens's home , and and , " Patrick
spluttered to a halt , the look on Jimmy's face was of shock .
"Look I know I can help you . I can do a valuation service , œ1 an item ,
the money going to the home . Or was your Kerry belly just thinking of
food ? " Jimmy sounded stern .
"Sorry , I just didn't think , " Patrick looked at the ground .
"That's ok , after all Jesus was a Jew , its just that you Catholics are
Jew's who went wrong , you cann't be blamed , " Jimmy began to laugh .
"That's great Jimmy , really great . I've nearly finished asking everybody
now , it would be nice if we had some live music too but for the life of
me I doubt if I could get anybody at such short notice , " Patrick sighed.
"Well us Jews do have some connections . I'll get you a Jazz band , most
have a Jew playing for them , if not leading them . I hope Jazz will be
ok ? " asked Jimmy with a flourish of his hands , a new trick finished .
"That'd be great ! " a smile lit up Patrick's face .
"Well go on then , finish your penance , I'm afraid with your funny nose
us Jews wouldn't take you back into the fold , " joked Jimmy .
Patrick walked up the street to hug June , everything was going
like a dream . Henry passed by pushing his cart , he felt neglected as he
hadn't been asked to help , so Patrick asked him to come and do what he
did best , collect litter . Wherever there are people there is litter . A
wave of music engulfed Patrick as he kissed June , it came from Winston's
capri , it was so loud that his fluffy dice nearly fell off .
"Hey you l o v e r s , I can advertise on my station , " said Winston .
"Ok , advertise on your station , let a man get on with his work , "
replied Patrick as he kissed June .
"Yes , let a woman get on with her work , " said June arching her eyebrows
and kissing Patrick again .
The engulfing music disappeared , Patrick didn't bother to ask how Winston
knew about the fete , perhaps a birdie had told him , it wouldn't surprise
Patrick in the least . Patrick was tapped on the shoulder , it was Ken .
"About this fete , can I help ? " he was fidgeting with a bundle of
letters , his postman's bag was nearly empty .
For whatever reason , maybe it was out of fun , or perhaps out of a
perverted sense of humour , Patrick led Ken to Big Sid's butchers .
Inside Ken looked first at Patrick and then at Sid , Patrick
smiled , Big Sid smiled , Ken looked bemused . Patrick knew what was Sid's
favourite t.v. program , Sid watched it with his grandchildren . So all
Patrick had to do was smile , Sid could work the rest out for himself .
"He wants to help with the childrens' home fete , " said Patrick .
"Yes , I'll do anything , " said Ken , like a sheep saying it'd be chops .
"Anything ? " asked Sid .
"Anything ? " echoed Patrick .
"Yes anything , " Ken even smiled .
"Anything what so ever ? " asked Sid , moving closer .
"Anything at all ? " echoed Patrick moving closer .
"Anything but , " began Ken .
"Postman Pat , " interrupted Big Sid .
"What ? " stammered Ken , hoping his ears weren't working properly .
"Postman Pat , " smiled Sid .
"We want you to be Postman Pat , " Patrick's eyebrows almost nudged Ken .
Ken's left eye developed a twitch , he went quite pale and wanted to be
sick , but how can you say no to an eighteen stone butcher with a meat
cleaver in his hand , and wearing a Postman Pat jumper under his apron .
"Pardon ? " Ken hoped that would be enough to confuse them .
"I want you to be Postman Pat , " Sid moved closer , like a Sumo wrestler
coming in for the kill .
"Er , " mumbled Ken , hoping to shake them off the trail .
"We , the two of us want you to be Postman Pat , " said Patrick .
"Er , " repeated Ken , that'd fox them for sure .
"What do you say ? " asked Patrick plainly .
"Can I have a glass of water , " croaked Ken .
Sid went into the back for water , Ken had thought of dashing out the shop
but hairy Amjit's nose was up against the door , Ken could almost hear his
breathing through the glass .
"You swine , Patrick , " hissed Ken .
"Will you do it ? " demanded Sid as he handed Ken the water .
"Er , " croaked Ken .
"Well will you do it ? " asked Patrick .
Ken gritted his teeth , he looked at Sid , at Patrick , at hairy Amjit ,
there was only one possible reply . Ken took a sip of water and nodded
slowly , like a condemned man chosing how to die .
"Fantastic , just wait till I tell my grandchildren , " yelled Sid , he
was so overjoyed that he patted Ken on the back . Only this made Ken choke
on his water . Sid jumped into action and burped Ken , this made Ken worse
still , so Sid grabbed him and threw him over his shoulder to wind him ,
Sid finished off by sitting him Ken up on the counter .
"Are you o.k. now ? " asked a fatherly Big Sid .
"He looks a little off colour , " said Patrick .
"I'm fine , " croaked Ken .
"Shall I burp him again ? " asked Sid edging towards Ken .
"I think he's o.k. , he's getting his colour back now , " observed Patrick
"I'm fine , just fine , " said Ken as he climbed off the counter , though
now he had a twitch in both eyes .
Outside hairy Amjit jumped forward , as if instinctively knowing Ken was a
postman , Ken jumped out of his skin .
"It's ok Ken , he's just saying hello , " advised an all knowing
Jaswinder .
Ken closed his eyes and hurried away , perhaps there was a rock nearby
which he could crawl under .
The evening before the fete Fr.Shaw was asking Sgt.Mulholland
whether the police would lend a hand , give a display or something .
"I don't know , our new inspector in a tough cookie . He used to live in
the area years ago , now he's come back , only he's the boss now , "
explained Sgt.Mulholland .
"I've been away in the missions for a long time , I'm back too , only that
man there is the boss , " Fr.Shaw pointed to the cross on the wall .
"I could ask for you but he'd more than likely bite my head off , " the
sergeant didn't relish the idea of asking the inspector for a favour .
"Well , I'll do it myself . What's this Dragon's name then , though I'm
certainly no George , " asked a tired Fr.Shaw .
"His name is Inspector T.Howard , " said Sgt.Mulholland .
Fr.Shaw's face cracked , the first light of dawn broke through it .
"And his Christian name ? " asked the old priest .
"Thomas , he insists on Thomas , not Tom , when he's being friendly ,
that's on the rare occasions he is friendly , " explained the sergeant .
The old embers in the priest's eyes glowed again , he knew that name ,
only to him it was little Tommy Howard . The sergeant left the priest to
dwell on the past , or rather on Tommy Howard's past , and how he became
an owner of a bycycle thirty years ago ...
The day of the fete Patrick delivered his milk at breakneck
speed , much of the milk had turned to butter such was the shaking it got
as Patrick scooted around his round . The dairy had donated a float full
of milk too , what with the Bank Holiday it would have gone sour anyway .
At the children's home Mark and Big Sid had arrived early to
get the roast going . Big Sid was amazed to see that Len himself drove the
refridgerated van to the home to deliver the meat .
"Well I had to make sure that only the best got delivered , so I switched
the meat we were going to sent to the Council for some do of theirs for a
third rate piece of foreign stuff . Now the stuff I'm giving you is only
choice meat , the kind you and me have every day at home , " explained Len
"Won't the Council know you've tricked them ? " wondered Big Sid .
"Them burks wouldn't know best British Beef from my arse , besides its the
kids who should have the best not councillors , " Len spoke with passion ,
he'd once tried and failed to get selected for a council seat .
"Thanks Len , " Big Sid's chest swelled with pride , Len might have
reached the heights in the Meat Trade , but he was still a family butcher
at heart .
The pair shook hands , two mighty hands clashed , it was like the sea
crashing on a beach , a coconut could have been crushed , such was the
power of their hands . Meat , friendship , love of children and bullocks
to the Council , all this in one handshake .
"Now you have got some ham for later on haven't you ? I mean people will
get a little peckish later , " Len was really concerned .
"I hadn't thought of that , I suppose I could dash back to my shop and get
some , " Big Sid started to take his apron off .
"Sid , Sid , this is my shout , besides I'm celebrating . My granddaughter
was born last night , 10 pounds 12 ounzes , a bit on the light size for my
family but she's a beauty is little Catherine " Len smiled from ear to ear .
"That's really good , and her mother ate a lot of liver while she was
expecting ? " asked Big Sid .
"Of course . Anyway I'll get some ham ordered , " Len winked , as he
reached into his pocket and brought out a cellular phone .
"Hello its Len here , give me my son Tim . Hello , Tim can you switch the
ham . You know the stuff we were saving for the football team do , you
know the council salutes our heros , as if they'd fought a war or
something . Anyway send that lot down here for four o'clock , if you look
at the back of the number fourteen freezer we have some other ham ,
that'll do our precious heros . Yes , that's all , thanks Tim , " Len
smiled as he put the phone back in his pocket .
"Your a real gem Len , a real gem , " Big Sid hugged Len .
"I'm just doing my bit , besides if you didn't tip me off all those years
ago I'd still only have the one shop , " Len looked at the ground he
didn't have the words to say thanks , but he had the meat !
Patrick arrived on site to see that he had a display of vans ,
they had all happened to park in a row . So now he had the butcher , the
baker , the undertaker , David's dumper truck , Frank's furniture van ,
Peter's Plaice van plus the float he had arrived on . Jimmy had a cloth
spread over the front of his Gold BMW and was valueing things already .
Frank came rushing up to explain his presence .
"You see for two years I've tried to sell this three piece suite , but
nobody wants to know , I even offered to throw in furniture covers but
nobody wants to know . It makes me sick every time I look at the thing , I
cann't believe that I ordered it . Though I did order it for the formica
end of my shop , not for the quality end you see . So all I'm asking is
let me raffle it , œ1 a ticket for a œ350 suite is a bargain . I just want
to get rid of the thing ,as soon as its won I will personally deliver it ,
just to make sure that I never have to see the bloody thing again ! "
Frank was almost begging , he sounded like a manic depressive Arthur
Negus , slagging off furniture instead of praising it .
"Sure Frank , sure , " said an astonished Patrick .
Frank kissed his hand , and skipped away as happy as a sandboy .
Hairy Amjit came running up to his master , in fact Amjit
flattened Patrick , he sat on his chest and licked his face . June dressed
as a baker stood by Patrick's head and laughed .
"That's what I want to see more often , my future husband at my feet ,
adoring me ! " she tossed back her head and laughed .
Hairy Amjit howled , his spit dripping all over Patrick's face . Big Sid
noticed Patrick's position so he whistled for Amjit to come to him . Now
when a butcher whistles a dog comes running , Amjit was no exception and
no fool . Patrick's face was clean enough for now , Amjit had better
things to think about , mainly his stomach . So leaping backwards and
treading on Patrick's naughty bits Amjit was gone , stomach first so to
speak . Patrick his face wet from Amjit , slowly got to his feet , a
pained expression on his face . June laughed again , so Patrick went
crosseyed .
"I hope there's no permanent damage , " she smirked .
"I'll get you at playtime , " said Patrick as he started to tickle her .
Winston and Curly arrived behind them were a Pentecostal Choir
its leader being Wiston's mum .
"Mum insisted on coming , they are off to London in a few days for a
competition , but mum said it would open their throats , " explained
Winston as he shrugged his shoulders .
"I also said that I'd kick him , Curly and their damnation Pirate Radio
out of my house if they didn't let us sing the Praises of The Lord , "
beamed his mother from under her Sunday best large hat .
"Well sing then , " said Patrick not knowing what to say .
David and Patrick dashed into the children's home for a few benches for
the choir to sit and stand on . In a few minutes time the Black Country
Pentecostal Choir Champions began singing . Winston put up a sign saying
"Jesus Jukebox" , his mother was going to belt him , Sunday best or no
Sunday best . June tactfully said it was true and did they know "Abide
with Me " . So that's what they became , the "Jesus Jukebox" , throw a
pound in a bucket and shout out your request . Now the saying is the Devil
has all the best tunes , today he didn't . The girls in Pentecostal Choirs
always look as if they could be the Devil's playthings , such is their
beauty , but these beauties were the Lord's . They sung like angels though
some passing stranger might wish they weren't !
Wayne had not been a slouch either , he'd recently seen a
documentary on Bob Geldof , so Wayne had copied his tactics . He had told
several breweries that he needed a few barrels at short notice for the
childrens' home fete , could he have time to pay , as the pub was going
through a bad patch and he was even thinking of selling up . Now the men
from the breweries began to twitch when they heard this news , so much so
that they offered the beer for free , it was good public relations after
all , the kind breweries helping a childrens' home . Of course the thought
didn't cross their minds that Wayne might look kindly on them , should he
decide to sell . All Wayne had said was that he was thinking of selling .
Wayne had arranged the loan of a tent or two or three for that
matter from the breweries . He had also arranged that the beer would be
delivered at the same time . So when the breweries unloaded they saw that
another brewery was helping too , now they wouldn't want to be outdone
would they ? So what started as one barrel each became two barrels each
and so on , till for a finish Wayne had five barrels each off all the
breweries , Bob Geldof would have been proud of him . Wayne had made the
breweries play a game of poker with each other , only there was one winner
and it wasn't the breweries ! Betty and Annie had thought their father
was daft to have all the beer come at once , when they realised what their
old dad was up to they were proud , so proud , the old dog certainly knew
a few tricks . Now that much beer would be more than enough , in fact too
much , only Real Ale drinkers could drink so much . So Wayne had dialed
the daisy chain line of the Real Ale Magazine , his one call had led to
hundereds in the Black Country alone , all are called but only few answer,
but when they answer you know about it . Real men had cried like little
boys as their wifes had said yes , but with the usual strings attached ,
an enormous grunt went up over the Black Country as forgotten tasks were
done ; these men weren't bitter , the tasks over they were on their way to
heaven , a Real Ale heaven , and a children's home would benefit .
Everything seemed to be going well , people had drifted in and
a crowd of two hundred or so were there . Then Patrick started to hop
about and cluck like a chicken , he'd realised they had no P.A.
"What's up , you look as if you'd discovered you were pregnant , " asked
an anxious June .
"We've got no P.A. that's what's up , I mean we need it for announcements
and things , " replied a flustered Patrick .
"We're doing o.k. so far , why bother ? " asked a practical June .
"We just need it that's all , " answered Patrick , the skin tightening
over his face as he shook his head at her .
At that moment Georgio , a friend of Franks arrived , he was
driving one ice cream van and two of his ten children were driving two
more vans . Frank had forgotten to tell Patrick that Georgio would be
coming , people always like ice cream at fetes , so Georgio would be there
to do his bit , profits for the day going to the children's home .
"Come on buy me an ice cream , it'll calm me down , " said June taking
Patrick by the hand and leading him to the first ice cream van .
Patrick bought a 99 for himself and a triple 99 for June . Mrs Georgio
smiled ,she looked like a Goddess , bearing ten children had had no effect
on her figure .
"When is the baby due ? " asked Mrs Georgio .
"How do you know ? " asked June as she devoured her ice cream .
"How do I know and me a mother of ten , its in your eyes , its in your
breasts , that's how I know . Besides I used to eat triple 99s when I was
pregnant too ! " laughed Mrs Georgio .
"Five is a nice number , but ten is even better , " boomed Georgio , as he
rolled up his sleeves revealing his strong as steel arms .
June arched her eyebrows and looked at Patrick , he blushed , he was
beginning to hate this penance business , everybody seemed to be making
suggestions . Patrick looked at the sky and sighed , it was then that he
noticed the loudspeakers on the ice cream vans . He kissed June because he
was so happy , only June still had the ice cream to her face , the pair of
them looked like mucky children .
Patrick ran away to find Winston and Curly , June had another
triple 99 , they were very good . If she knew that Georgio's 99s had an
aphrodisiac effect she wouldn't have , that's how Mrs Georgio was a mother
of ten after all ! Patrick returned and pointed to the loudspeakersa on
top of the ice cream van .
"I suppose we could rig something up , from my van to these , it wouldn't
be very good . And you'd have to space out the ice cream vans , but its
possible , " said Wiston as he played with his Babylon badged .
So that was settled , a P.A. system was devised from three ice cream vans
and Winston's van . Curly raced back and forth wiring everything up , the
stereo speakers from Winston's van were taken out and placed on top of the
van , they were as big as suitcases . Winston liked his music loud , with
a capital L . With a little more jiggery pokery at the end of fourty five
minutes a P.A. system was set up . Mrs Georgio gave June a third triple
99 , she also pondered on June herself .
"How many brothers and sisters do you and your man have ? " asked Mrs
Georgio , standing with her hands on her hips .
"We are both only children , " slurped June .
"Then having looked at your breasts I think five children will be good for
you , " she said solemnly .
"No six is a better number , " observed Mr Georgio .
Mrs Georgio leant out from the ice cream van and squeezed June's left
breast , it had to be the left one , the one by the heart .
"Yes , you are right , six children will be just right for you , " Mrs
Georgio nodded , the verdict had been made .
The P.A. system was ready , Winston came up with the microphone in his
hand . Patrick didn't know what to say , June solved his problem .
"Mrs Georgio has looked at my breasts and she says six children would be
good for them , or rather for us , so it'll have to be six , once this
first one is born , what do you think Patrick ? " June's voice echoed all
over the children's home playing field .
"Er , er , er , " was Patrick's echoed startled reply .
The crowd all looked in their direction , a hugh smile on everybody's
face .
"Well is that a yes ? " asked June her voice echoing all over .
"Er , er , yes ? " said a confused Patrick .
A cheer went up , Winston fed a tape through the system by accident , it
was "Cann't get enough of Your Love " . Laughter rained on them , Patrick
wished the earth would swallow him up .
"Come on , cheer up , you do love me don't you , why be ashamed ? " June
looked Patrick in the eye .
"I'm not ashamed , its just that I never seem to get any privacy that's
all , " Patrick looked at the ground , why was there never any normality
for him , everything seemed to be advertised , he just wanted to be alone
with June .
"Come on then give us a kiss , " teased June .
So they kissed , Patrick didn't care that June tasted of ice cream and
Cadbury's chocolate flake , in fact it made it better ! Mrs Georgio and
her husband looked on , it reminded them of themselves , their first had
been conceived in an ice cream van .
"I think that with a bit of effort they could have ten , " observed Mrs
Georgio .
Her husband kissed her , perhaps they would make it eleven for themselves.
Mrs Murphy was making her way through the crowd when she heard
the P.A. announcement , it had made her heart jump with joy . That Italian
woman certainly knew what she was talking about , and wouldn't it be
great . Mr and Mrs Kemp had also heard the announcement , they were making
their way through the crowd from another direction . Both arrived by the
ice cream van to see June and Patrick kissing , Georgio and his wife were
doing the same . Mrs Murphy glowed , this was great , she wanted more of
this. Mrs Kemp was disgusted she needed a drink , so Mr Kemp went with her
to the drinks tent .
The drinks tent was being ran by Wayne and family . His girls
had dressed for the part , like Saint Trinians school girls , with short
skirts and stocking and suspenders . They provided the leering looks
themselves , Wayne had tried to persuade them not to dress like that but
girls will be girls , and the twins were certainly the twins . So Wayne
did what any father would do , he put up a large sign . It read "Yes they
are my daughters , and yes I do have a shotgun behind the bar " , in fact
he had a horn with a compressed gas can attached to it . Any nonsense and
he'd hoot , and then he'd beat the living daylights out of them !
Crowds had built up at the fete and in the bar , and why ? Well
Fr.Shaw had spoken to Inspector T. Howard . He had reminded him when he
was little Tommy Howard , and how he had stolen a priest's bycycle ,
Fr.Shaw's bycycle , now he wasn't one to tell tales , a priest hears
confession and doesn't spill the beans . Yet , he could be tempted , as
the inspector wasn't a Catholic and a crime is a crime after all , and
there is no Statute of Limitations in England after all . So with a little
arm twisting the inspector had decided to help .
Now a policeman must always do his duty and show no favour , so
Tommy Howard did that . And how ? Well there are emergency plans and civil
defence plans which get dusted off occasionally , rather like the old
Green Godesses . So that Saturday happened to be chosen as a day for civil
defence practice , which means get all traffic off main roads and divert
them down small roads . Now the children's home was off a small road , so
if people who were diverted happened to pass it , once or twice or even
three times , thanks to careful civil defence planning , then it was their
free will to go into the childrens' home and enjoy a fun day out . It
would be better than driving backwards and forwards for an hour or so ,
the Police have to do their duty after all , for the good of us all , and
should a childrens' home benefit then that was no fault of the Police was
it ? It might be the fault of a Police Inspector , but the fault of the
Police , nothing to do with them , nothing at all . Little Tommy Howard
wasn't an inspector for nothing was he ?
So it was that Fr.Shaw was in the bar telling Wayne all this ,
Sgt. Mulholland was at his side having a refreshing cup of coffee , he
couldn't drink on duty could he . The fact that it was 50% proof coffee
now that was a natural calamity , a pity to ruin good Nescafe , but when a
police officer is invited to have a coffee it is his civic duty to accept
and should it turn out to be 50% proof then he just has to suffer , for
the sake of good community relations . As Sgt.Mulholland was a very good
Community Policeman he suffered for his duty , three or four times he
suffered , but he didn't complain , because that's the kind of copper he
was . The perfect laughing policeman , when he had heard about his
inspector .
Wayne waddled out from behind the bar when he saw Mrs Murphy
enter the tent , rushing towards her he shook her hand , after all in a
manner of speaking the do for the children's home was Patrick's and June's
Engagement Party . He reached into his pocket and pulled out a bottle of
Guinness , he handed it to her and began looking for a glass .
"Oh its alright , no need for a glass , " Mrs Murphy put the bottle to her
lips and drank .
Mrs Kemp looked around to see Mrs Murphy , she would never drink from a
bottle , she'd forgotten how she had the other day when she heard she was
to be a grannie .
"In every bottle of Guinness a baby is born , no doubt that's how her son
took advantage of our daughter , " she said looking down her nose .
"This is supposed to be a celebration for the children's home , not a
vendetta , " said Mr Kemp .
"Vendetta sounds such a nice word sometimes , " said Mrs Kemp looking at
her nails , as if readying them to scratch somebody's eyes out .
"Come on , lets get a drink , " urged Mr Kemp as he made his way through
the crowd in the bar .
Betty climbed on top of a table so she could shout .
"Can we have those glasses please , no glasses means no drink ! "
"Yes no glasses means no drink ! " echoed Annie who had got Mathew to lift
her up above the crowd .
A shout went up , a slow procession of men in duffle coats were carrying
eight barrels of beer towards the tent , all they lacked was a trumpet
blowing herald . Annie and Betty ran to greet them .
"Uncles , uncles , uncles , " yes it was the men from Uncle alright , the
duffle coats gave them away , it was the Real Ale Men .
Don the lead uncle handed a fistful of labels to the twins , the girls
laughed , he hadn't forgotten . So the girls quickly ran about tying the
labels to the men . There were 150 Real Ale men to be labeled , all
wearing their duffle coats in honour of Wayne's girls , it took quite a
while for all to be labeled but labeled they had to be . Others in the
crowd began to laugh at the sight , but the Real Ale Men took these things
seriously , Tradition was Tradition after all . With all due ceremony
their gift was brought into the bar , Wayne smiled his thanks and wiped
away a tear . His one phone call had brought this , all for the sake of
the children .
"Well , we wanted to help , so we got some of the brewers in other areas
to help too , " Don waved his hand over the two" four packs" they were
carrying .
"I think we might run out of glasses , " said Wayne sucking his bottom
lip.
"No problem , " said Don as he coughed before addressing the duffle coated
army .
"Men , present arms ! " he ordered .
As one in a giant flourish they each brandished two plastic glasses . The
coat pockets of the duffle coats do have their uses after all . A round of
applause greeted the sight of their glasses , Betty and Annie did
cartwheels , showing their navy blue knickers . This brought another round
of applause , Maureen their mother fainted and Wayne blew his horn and
told his daughters to stop flashing their knickers . The girls then had an
idea , as they hated washing glasses , why not make people pay to do it ,
a few more pounds for the home would be raised too . They both had read
Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn as children , as well as Paddington Bear .
Soon from the massed ranks of the Paddington Bears and the normal people a
queue had formed , to pay for the priviledge of washing glasses !
Smiling Paul had turned up too , he wanted to put a sign up
saying "Honest Smiling Paul Your Bookie" , only Sgt.Mulholland had warned
him of the Trade Description act , so his sign just said "Bet Here" .
People did bet too , Smiling Paul took bets on anything . The colour of
the next person to bet's shirt , the age of the third person to walk past
his pitch . He even had spiders in a jar , he had spider races , he even
had a handicap system to race the spiders . He handicaped them by taking
one of the legs off , all done most humanely with his cigarette lighter ,
only a few times the whole spider ignited and the spider scrambled away
like a dying comet . So Smiling Paul took bets on how long a spider would
burn , of course with bets like these it was the children who lost the
most money , but they loved it the most . Smiling Paul even had a guess
the weight of his briefcase competition , the answer would be revealed at
the end of the day when the weight of money would be taken . Guess the
number of drunks to fall over within a ten yard range of the beer tent was
a particular favourite , with drunks who hadn't yet fallen over . He even
had bets on telling the time . How this one worked was somebody would look
at their watch , as soon as this happened Smiling Paul would ask them the
time , if the person DIDN'T look at their watch again then Paul had to pay
out to the man making the bet . As people always look at their watch when
you ask them the time , even if it is seconds since they last looked at it
Paul was Smiling . People always look at their watch , so Paul won all the
time on that one , Private Walker of Dad's Army would have been proud of
him .
The Pentecostal Choir were beginning to flag , the last notes of
When the Saints Go Marching In drifted over the field , only they didn't
fade away for the tune was taken up by a band . Faint at first but growing
in strength and power , the sound was unmistakable . It grew and grew till
it was bold and brassy , it became a quality sleeze sound . And who was
making this devilish sound , none other than Jimmy's Jewish Jazz Band , a
collection of 25 of the best Jazz men from the Midlands . Each wore a
tee shirt with Jimmy's Jewish Jazz Band on it , Jonathon the son of one
of them was in the screen printing business , so he'd made up the tee
shirts . The Jazz men glided through the crowd , Jazz musicians never
hurry they just ooze , they play as easily as they breath . This is how
the band made its way to headquarters , Jazz men are no fools so as they
played they headed straight for the beer tent . All but four of them that
is , four went towards the main building , when one tune had finished the
four by the main building began playing Strangers On The Shore , the old
Acker Bilk hit sounded great as it echoed off the walls of the childrens'
home . As they played the other 21 had a drink or two or three , then
seemingly without effort they joined in , a Jazz man could fall down the
stairs such as at the Waterworks Club and still be in tune as he hits the
bottom , and then he'd have a drink , say hello to his friends before
effortlessly joining in whatever is playing . If the Pentecostal Choir was
the Jesus Jukebox , then Jazz is the Devil's own music , for it reaches
the parts other music cannot reach , which is appropriate as Jazz and
drinking go hand in hand , and why not ?
Jimmy smiled from ear to ear as he saw and listened to the sound ,
his one phone call had brought all this , a band with 1000 years of
experience in it , even Methousella would be impressed . Ronnie Scott has
finally reached the Midlands , he too would have been impressed , only he
wasn't there . Mr Kemp was , he decided on the spot to get Jimmy's Jewish
Jazz band to play at the forthcoming Freemasons function .
"Abraham , Issac , David , Jossua , Moses , Zac , Saul , " began Jimmy as
he went around slapping the band on the back , shaking his head in
amazement .
"It's ok , its like you said , Catholics are just Jews gone wrong , beside
its for the sake of the children , " said Moshae with a smile , before
pausing to play his part in the next tune , then breaking off again to
have a drink , then laughing .
Fr.Shaw came and blessed the band , he even had a word or two
for them in Yiddish , he laughed the most went told that Catholics were
just Jews who'd gone wrong . From the confessions he heard he knew just
how far wrong Catholics could go ! One of the many cars to be misdirected
accidently on purpose towards the childrens' home was a Rolls Royce . In
the Rolls Royce was a very important man , a Japanese man , a man who'd
been this way before , sixteen years or more before . By his side was a
man grown fat on the profits of hard work , bloody hard work , his name
was John Allenby . As the car went past the Japanese man looked , though
old his eyesight was still good , wasn't that Wayne the publican . So John
Allenby and the Japanese man came in to say hello .
The old Japanese man looked at Wayne , he saw two girls dressed
most strangely , he noticed a weeping willow of a woman . He licked his
lips , he had remembered the Special Reserve , though he had finished his
bottle years ago , he still had the empty bottle . The men in the duffle
coats with labels on seem most strange , his English had improved , but
the customs of the English always seemed to fox him . While the old
Japanese man was thinking of the past , the present touched his arm . It
was Fr.Shaw , in perfect Japanese he was welcomed , the mystery of the men
in duffle coats was explained . They talked in Japanese .
"But how do you a priest know Japanese ? " he asked .
"I was a missionary in Africa for years , the only company I had was the
radio . So I started listening to the shortwave , I found Radio Japan and
learnt the language from it . I even wrote saying it was a pity I did
not have a cassette thingy otherwise I could record the language lessons.
So they sent me a fancy radio cassette thingy plus some solar cell things,
it was very nice of them , " explained Fr.Shaw .
"But Japanese is a very hard language for the English to learn . "
"For the English maybe , but I'm Irish , Kerry Irish , from Castleisland .
Besides I am a Jesuit , the Samuri of The Church , " said Fr.Shaw from
beneath his eyebrows .
John Allenby returned from the bar with a bottle of Special Reserve ,Wayne
always had some ready for special friends . The old Japanese man's face
lit up like a Christmas tree , he had a tear in his eye , there was magic
in the air that day he knew it . Fr.Shaw knew it , perhaps he could
persuade the Japanese man to invest in the future , in the children .
Fr.Shaw looked around , his gaze fell on Mrs Murphy , her hand immediately
went into her pocket . She would help him , no she didn't have a gun in
her pocket , but he was glad to see her do it . Her pocket breathed , it
jumped , it was as if there was a frog inside it . The only frog inside ,
was a pair a frog rosary beads , a friend had brought them back from
Lourdes for Mrs Murphy . With one hand in her pocket Mrs Murphy had begun
to pray , her other hand held a Guinness , but what of it , she prayed
anywhere . The look on Fr.Shaw's face told her to pray , so pray she did ,
even if it did look as if she had a frog in her pocket .
The Jazz band played in one corner of the grounds , a refreshed
Pentecostal Choir sang in another , people bet and drank . Ken the Postman
Pat arrived and the kids got on his nerves . While all this went on
around the childrens' home , at the eye of the storm were Mrs Murphy , and
Fr.Shaw wrestling in Japanese .
After the seventh hundreth time being called Postman Pat , Ken
had developed a twitch again , so he decided to hide in the crowd . The
children thought it was just a great game , so they followed him , but Ken
was very light footed . First he hide in the beer tent , he downed two
pints of Guinness and one of bitter , then he borrowed one of the Real Ale
men's duffle coat . So he was undetectable , or so he thought , Mathew
brought him an enormous sandwich with compliments from Big Sid .
"It's fun being Postman Pat , I wish I could do that . " said Mathew .
"All that glitters is not gold , " was Ken's sage reply .
"Yes you are right , sometimes its Cadbury's chocolate , " observed Mathew
as he went away .
Ken scratched his head and wondered what that meant , sometimes he thought
Mathew wasn't simple at all , just too deep for understanding , Ken had
now had his fourth pint . He belched , the contented belch of a happy man.
One enterprising child stood in the doorway or flap rather of
the beer tent , she tapped her foot and folded her arms in disgust , fancy
Postman Pat drinking even if he wasn't the real Postman Pat . She tapped
her foot again , as she tapped more and more children gathered , they were
like Red Indians surrounding the settlers . Her foot tapping was like the
drums beating , behind her Big Sid and Mark's pig roast provided the smoke
signals . One by one the duffle coated army turned to see why there was a
crowd of children in the entrance .
"I'll count to ten , then we're coming for you , " shouted the little Miss
Ken looked around in alarm , he bolted like a frightened deer , breaking
from his camouflage of a duffle coat . He had forgotton to take his hat
and sack off , so it wasn't very good in the first place . As Ken ran out
the back entrance the children stormed through the tent in hot pursuit ,
they patted their mouths making the best Red Indian noises they could .
From his grandstand postion by the food Big Sid's chest swelled
with pride , how nice Ken was being just for the sake of the children .
"He's a good un is our Ken , " said Sid .
"He's a fine fellow that's sure , " added Mark .
Ring a ring of roses a pocket full of posees , ashes in the water ashes in
the sea , and we all fell down . First Ken ran one way around the crowd ,
then turning on his heels as he did when he saw dogs on his round , he ran
the other way . Round and round the garden like a teddy bear , one step
two steps , ran Ken like the bear running away from Teddy Roosevelt .
Goosey goosey gander where shall I wander , unstairs and downstairs and in
my lady's chamber . It was as if all the worse parts of Nursery Rhymnes ,
were coming to pass , and Ken was the victim . Go up into the attic , go
down into the cellar , you can do them both together Cinderella . When
over one hundred and fifty children are chasing you , you tend to imagine
all sorts of things . Ken shook them off by diving into the ladies loo .
Which way did he go , did you see a princess ? I saw no
princess just a servant , she was dressed in rags , she did not look like
a princess , replied the guards in their high hats and blue stockings .
A scream went up , a battered Ken emerged from the ladies loo , Mrs Kemp
was leading the battering , she had a good left hook on her , Henry Cooper
would have stood no chance . "Leave him alone " yelled the children , for
a minute they felt sad for him , they closed their eyes and counted and
shouted to ten , then they'd be after him . With fear in his eyes Ken
flew , straight into the arms of Wiston .
"Help hide me quick , " begged Ken , his eyes gone wild like balls in a
pin ball machine , only he was losing points not gaining them .
Winston shoved him into his van and covered him with a coat , Ken was
deafened as the van was the source of the P.A. and music . He felt like
the Hunchback of Notre Dame , only he was the Postie hiding from the Damn
Children , the P.A. , the P.A. .
Mathew came with food from Big Sid and drink from Wayne , they
both knew where Ken was , in fact all the adults knew , but luckily for
Ken the children did not . The gulf between adults and children was
proving to be a lfe saver that day . Hairy Amjit even came to say hello ,
Ken bribed him with a piece of beef . Once the beef was eaten hairy Amjit
let out a howl and ran away from the van as if he was following Ken . This
gave Ken a chance to escape from the sound of music , there were no hills
just the sound of music .
So while the children ran one way after hairy Amjit , Ken ran
the other , he was out in the open he had to find cover . So he went and
hid amongst the Jesus Jukebox . Meanwhile Smiling Paul had taken advantage
of this random hare race , he was taking bets as to where Ken would be
found next and how long it would take the kids . If there was a sixpence
to be made then Smiling Paul would make it and turn it into a shilling .
Smiling Paul was excited , once he had done a bit of on course betting ,
that had been a thrill , but here amongst the crowds it was open season .
He even had bets on how many people would tie up their shoe laces in a
given five minute period , naturally all the Chinese in the Crowd had
gravitated towards him . There was no kidding them , Smiling Paul may look
like an pale Asterix the Gaul , but they could tell , he was really a
Chinaman ! Between them they formed a human Nintendo game , Smiling Paul
firing the ball and it bouncing off all of them , their eyes registering
the scores and the near misses . To bet on Ken was the ultimate bet , it
was almost a blood sport .
Ken found his voice amongst the choir , he began to enjoy
himself , he sang his heart out . Only he had made a slight mistake , he
was the only white man , in the West Indian choir , children sometimes
cannot see the wood for the trees but he ws pushing his luck a little .
The little Miss came and stood in front of the choir , she scratched her
head , as the rest of them ran one way then another after hairy Amjit . It
is amazing what a dog will do for a bribe , besides Amjit liked being
chased . The little Miss looked all about , then she scratched her head
again , till slowly she turned around , she had him in her sights . She
folded her arms and shook her head , he had been caught cheating again ,
she gave him her best policewoman's stare like W.P.C. Martella off The
Bill . Ken gulped , he knew the game was up , though he did wriggle on the
line , he changed his position in the choir . The little Miss shook her
head , the other children still rushed by , one or two stopped . Ken
changed his position in the choir , one or two more children stopped by
the choir , the little Miss shook her head again . Hairy Amjit howled , he
was trying to distract the children again , but it was no use , little by
little they all stopped next to the little Miss .
Smiling Paul changed the bet with the Chinese , he had a trick
in the tail even if Ken haddn't . The Chinese took the new bet , as one
they yelled encouragement as only the Chinese can . Ken changed his
position in the choir several more times , he was trying to hide in
somebody else's aura . The little Miss shook her head again and again and
again . The Jesus Jukebox sang Amazing Grace , and the little Miss who
would one day be a Police Inspector smiled and even laughed , Grace was
her name after all , the little girl laughted to see such fun and the dish
ran away with the spoon , or rather Ken clutching his bag bolted .
While all this went on Fr.Shaw and the Japanese man wrestled ,
their ring was Mrs Murphy's beads , a deal was to be had , just a little
persuasion was needed . Balbinder , Amjit's wife , was holding a Sari
dressing competition , Ken came running towards her . As quick as a flash
Ken was engulfed in a saffron sari , though he did look more like a mummy
than an Indian lady . The children dashed back and forwards , they had
lost him . Ken breathed easily for a while , Mathew came with a pint and a
straw for him , while Mathew held the drink Ken sipped . Ken was very
thirsty what with all the running about , so Mathew brought another pint
and a straw , when you drink through a straw you get drunk fast , as no
air is mixing with the drink . Perhaps the same thing happens with babies
and mothers milk , no air just pure milk , so babies like drunks have that
wide eyed happy expression . Whatever the truth of it Ken was now
dribbling like a baby .
Little miss Grace stopped and let her eyes do the walking ,
perhaps she'd sell Yellow Pages in the future , if she wasn't a Police
Inspector , who knows ? Soon she spotted him , his hat and sack were
engulfed in saffron but the Postman Pat look could not be be hidden , he
looked as if he was covered in saffron cling film to keep him fresh .
Balbinder saw little miss Grace , she whispered in Ken's ear , on the
count of three . With a mighty heave , like a crack of a whip , Ken
rippled out of his covering and spun like a top , he glided like a
Birmingham Royal Ballet dancer , straight through a gap in the massed
ranks of the duffle coated Real Ale drinkers . It was only a small gap
but Ken spun through it , Balbinder had put a lot of spin on her pull ,
she had recently been bowling at Stirchley , now the technique had been
put to good use . Ken was safe .
"After him ! " yelled Grace just like the Wicked Witch of the West.
The hoards of children stormed through the gap , Ken's very life was at
stake now , Balbinder crossed her fingers for him . Go Ken , go . The
Chinese screamed too , they had just lost another bet to Smiling Paul ,
but the excitement of it all , it was too much . Ken had more lives than a
cat , the lucky dog . Frank was displaying a carpet just as Ken came
hurtling through the duffle coats , Ken fell , the children would tear him
linb from limb . Oh no they wouldn't , oh yes they would , you wanna bet ,
show me your money , Smiling Paul took another hundred . Frank quickly
wrapped Ken up in the carpet , just as sweets used to be wrapped in a
paper cone , now it was a carpet of Ken . Then with a heave Ken was thrown
into the back of Franks furniture van .
Ken had disappeared off the face of the earth , alliens must
have taken him , so though the kids . At that moment a Rolls Royce
appeared , Andy was driving , he parked next to the Japanese man's Rolls .
There were newly weds inside , the bride had been brought up at the home ,
so she had insisted in coming back to say hello . June let go of Patrick ,
it was lucky to catch the bouquet , she was going to catch it , by hook or
by crook that bouquet was hers . Smiling Paul saw the look in June's eye ,
she looked just like her mother for a second .
Smiling Paul took bets on who would catch the bouquet , the
Chinese nearly wet themselves with excitement , he really must be Chinese
they were sure of it ! June whispered something in hairy Amjit's ear , she
had promised him a whole tube of Rolo , Amjit's soul was hers . So the
wolf behowled the moon and the sea of people parted , the bouquet was
thrown and June caught it , she had the prize , and the hairy dog laughed
to see such fun , and ran away with a tube of Rolo .
Everybody was having a fun day , everybody that is except for
Martin , he'd been diverted to the fair too . He'd seen all the fun , he'd
seen Jimmy and the Jazz band too , it was Jimmy's son's fault that he was
short of cash . So some poxy childrens' home was making all this dough ,
while he barely had enough for his habbit . Martin noticed Smiling Paul's
bulging briefcase , there must be a few thousand in it . Martin looked all
around people were crowding around the Rolls with the bride and groom in .
Martin had an idea , his duffle coat was a great disguise , all he had to
do was grab the money , he could hide amongst the massed ranks of the Real
Ale men .
So it was that Martin won against all the odds . Only
Jaswinder had seen him , she scrambled after him . He saw her and tripped
over his shoe lace , the shoe came off . Smiling Paul wiped his face with
a handkerchief , it had been a great day , the best day in his life . He
may as well start counting his money . Martin was already counting his
chickens before they had hatched , he'd lost a shoe but gained thousands .
"Where's the suitcase gone ! " asked a panic stricken Smiling Paul .
"That man took it , " said Jaswinder .
"Which one love , " asked Paul urgently .
"The one in the duffle coat , " said Jaswinder .
"There's a lot of duffle coats Jaswinder , " said Paul trying to stay
calm .
"He called me a Wog when I saw him , " said Jawinder starting to cry .
"Don't cry Jaswinder , " sighed Paul .
The Chinese looked sad , they had had so much fun and this should happen ,
it was not fair . One of them noticed the shoe on its own .
"Who's shoe is this , " asked a confused Chinaman .
"The man in the duffle coat lost it , he swore at me too , " explained
Jaswinder beginning to cry again .
"We've no chance of catching him now , not in all the crowd , " said a sad
Smiling Paul .
The massed ranks of the children ran by still searching for Ken , Fr.Shaw
and the Japanese man still spoke in Japanese , in a Black Country field .
June and Patrick were kissing again , Big Sid was feeding the five
thousand , though not with five loaves and two fishes . Everybody was
happy , Martin was very happy , yet in one quite corner there was a sad
bookie , he'd had the happiest day of his life now it was spoiled . As for
hairy Amjit he'd sold his soul for a tube of Rolo , but if the sinner
truly repent there is always hope , hope beyond reason , hope beyond hope.
Hairy Amjit came to lick Jaswinders tears away , just who had
hurt his little Indian Princess , upset her and you upset him . He sat in
front of her , his ears down . One of the Chinese suggested half heartedly
that perhaps the animal could find the man , they had his shoe though he
was no Cinderella , he was a thief , the worst kind of thief , who had
stolen from children , and a bookie .
Jaswinder gave hairy Amjit the shoe to smell , then she said the
one word that all dogs the world over love to hear .
"Fetch Amjit , fetch , " said Jaswinder wiping a tear away .
Amjit looked at her , he licked the tear away , then his ears pricked up .
The hare may have a head start put this hound was on the trail . As
one the Chinese leapt for joy , there was another bet to be made , how
many seconds before the thief was caught . They thrust money into Smiling
Paul's hands , he didn't understand it , they were shouting and screaming
in Chinese , it was like Black Monday on the Hong Kong stock exchange .
Amjit let out a blood curdling howl , birds scattered from trees
and babies began to cry , people spun around , Martin began to sweat . The
wolf was after Little Red Riding Hood , come to me my precious precious ,
Amjit licked his lips , he stopped to sniff the air . Howl , howl , howl
he went , there was flavour in the air , there was joy , there were kisses
of love and laughter . There was hope and there was fear , Amjit could
smell the fear , that was the scent he was after . The Chinese leapt every
time Amjit howled , they were his echo , they were his cheer leaders from
behind , they were the pack while he was the dog . Every dog has his day
and today was Amjit's , howl , howl , howl he went .
The sea of duffle coats parted , the Pentecostal Choir sang
Lord of the Dance . The words rang out , its hard to dance with the Devil
on your back , Martin knew what that meant , he really knew , he was
sweating buckets now . Amjit sniffed several of the duffle coated men , no
the duffle coat was not the main scent ,it was the thieving Cinderella's
shoe he was after . Ba ba black sheep have you any wool , yes sir , yes
sir three bags full , echoed over the field . The Jazz men played The
Devil's got my Soul , Amjit had sold his soul for a tube of Rolo , but now
he wanted it back , and the money for the childrens' home too . Howl ,
howl howl he went . Martin began to run , his heart began to pound , fear
was about him . He had given him self away , Amjit howled for joy , in the
distance other dogs echoed his howl , there was fear in the air , and
Amjit was about to eat it . Amjit leapt , Martin spun around , Amjit had
bitten a peice from his duffle coat . The next bite would be him , so
Martin shoved the briefcase down Amjit's throat .
"Heel , Amjit , heel , sit ! " shouted Patrick , who thought his
dog had gone wild .
Martin escaped , Amjit sat with the money between his paws . Patrick came
running up , Smiling Paul and the excited Chinese came running up . The
stop watch showed the winner of the ultimate bet .
"Good boy , good boy , " shouted Smiling Paul hugging all his Chinese
friends .
"What's going on ? " asked Patrick .
"Amjit , saved the day , that man had stolen the money ! " explained
Smiling Paul .
"Oh , " said Patrick his jaw dropping .
Patrick said sorry to Amjit , and reaching into his pocket he gave Amjit
his last Rolo , Amjit had regained his soul too .
"Thanks for your help today , lads " said Smiling Paul .
"We have great day , you come with us to Restaurant and Casino in Hurst
Street Birmingham , we would be honoured , " enthused the Chinese .
"But why ? " asked a happy Smiling Paul .
"We like you , " they all said .
Smiling Paul began to cry , he' thought he'd lost all the monmey ,
including the side bets he'd taken too , and now not only had he got all
his money back , he'd also made friends . It was all too much for him .
But that night he'd celebrate like he'd never celebrated before .
Fr. Shaw spat on his hand and held it out , the most important
Japanese man looked at him for a second , then he spat on his hand and
they shook hands . A deal had been done just as they do deals at Puck Fair
in Fr.Shaw's beloved Kerry . Mrs Murphy leapt for joy , she brought out
her hand from her pocket to applaud , in doing so she sent her beads
flying , they landed on the handshake.
"God works in mysterious ways , " said Fr.Shaw .
"I thought she had a gun in her pocket , " said the Japanese man .
The three of them laughed , but it was the children who had the last laugh
because Japan was going to invest in the children's home , with computers
and electrical material . Fr.Shaw had begged for second hand stuff ,
instead he got the best .
So the childrens' home fete was a great success , everybody was
more than happy , all except Martin . As for Ken he came out of hiding to
hitch a lift home in the back of a hearse , he was dead tired after all
the running around . The children cheered and waved him goodbye , it was
the first time ever that a hearse had been cheered , but perhaps ever
cloud does have a silver lining .
|
Short stories from Birmingham readers in 162 countries so far HEAR ME READ ALOUD 207 stories written & read by me https://profile.typepad.com/michaelgcasey https://michaelgcasey.typepad.com/blog/
Sunday, 16 August 2020
And for your Penance
Al Green Soul Singer will be next
Al Green Soul Singer will be next
I woke up this morning after my final 2 hoour slot of sleep
and Happiness was in my head
Then Love is Happiness
then I googled
and an Al Green song popped up
So I listened to it
Then I had 1/2 an idea about something to write
then I discovered 240 songs over 19 albums
so then downstairs I put Al Green on the smart speaker
now as I listen to him I'm talking to you
So later after Internet Mass I'll write something
Basically God is Love and Forgiveness
If your version preaches any form of Hate
Then it is NOT God, its corrupt Preachers
Who should be shunned and ignored
Good Samaritans not mega churches with fancy cars
and "preachers" who are really corrupt businessmen making money
Follow that through and you all know Facism is not Faith
no matter what it says
Faith is doing not posing for photos
Faith is a living water
not a cup chained to a bucket and being charged for it
I woke up this morning after my final 2 hoour slot of sleep
and Happiness was in my head
Then Love is Happiness
then I googled
and an Al Green song popped up
So I listened to it
Then I had 1/2 an idea about something to write
then I discovered 240 songs over 19 albums
so then downstairs I put Al Green on the smart speaker
now as I listen to him I'm talking to you
So later after Internet Mass I'll write something
Basically God is Love and Forgiveness
If your version preaches any form of Hate
Then it is NOT God, its corrupt Preachers
Who should be shunned and ignored
Good Samaritans not mega churches with fancy cars
and "preachers" who are really corrupt businessmen making money
Follow that through and you all know Facism is not Faith
no matter what it says
Faith is doing not posing for photos
Faith is a living water
not a cup chained to a bucket and being charged for it
Michael Casey the masked writer 15th Aug 2020
Michael Casey the masked writer 15th Aug 2020
yes my hair grows very fast, I'm very fertile
yes my hair grows very fast, I'm very fertile
Saturday, 15 August 2020
evening all 15/8/20
well 7 different languages downloading my stuff over on Wordpress
so thank you all
75 years since VJ day, my American Uncle Danny
was in the British army over in the Far East
He jumped ship and sold his uniform rather than wait for demob
Then he went to Boston USA
that's why I have a Boston USA connection via first cousins
We also discovered Chicago cousins, my mother's cousins
I've changed the Hello Image on Wordpress to
instead of my silly face waving
I'm choking on bubble bath or shower gel smell wafting into the study
where I am talking to you from
Teenage daughters are bad for your nose
I may write something new in the morning
Sadly Trump did not resign today
The remove fascist campaign needs to coordinate and
have a fresh attack daily
Taylor Swift said her bit today, which may explain why she
did not come around my house to do the high dusting
I'll just draw in the dust instead
Every day folks should say show us the Bone Spurs
Every day folks should say show us the Tax Bill
Every day folks should say release the 17 + non disclosures
etc etc etc
Sadly there needs to be more fire in the defence of Liberty
Good intentions won't remove the fascist
So organise and arrange buses to take folks to the vote
Or folks give half a day off with pay to vote
Or Public Holiday every election day
Meanwhile in Belarus will it become like Hungary in 1956?
And will Trump mess this up too
So have a good night and pray for my Health, as the pain monster is really horrible at times, left shoulder etc
have a laugh with Trump Putin Pope and British PM May
so thank you all
75 years since VJ day, my American Uncle Danny
was in the British army over in the Far East
He jumped ship and sold his uniform rather than wait for demob
Then he went to Boston USA
that's why I have a Boston USA connection via first cousins
We also discovered Chicago cousins, my mother's cousins
I've changed the Hello Image on Wordpress to
instead of my silly face waving
I'm choking on bubble bath or shower gel smell wafting into the study
where I am talking to you from
Teenage daughters are bad for your nose
I may write something new in the morning
Sadly Trump did not resign today
The remove fascist campaign needs to coordinate and
have a fresh attack daily
Taylor Swift said her bit today, which may explain why she
did not come around my house to do the high dusting
I'll just draw in the dust instead
Every day folks should say show us the Bone Spurs
Every day folks should say show us the Tax Bill
Every day folks should say release the 17 + non disclosures
etc etc etc
Sadly there needs to be more fire in the defence of Liberty
Good intentions won't remove the fascist
So organise and arrange buses to take folks to the vote
Or folks give half a day off with pay to vote
Or Public Holiday every election day
Meanwhile in Belarus will it become like Hungary in 1956?
And will Trump mess this up too
So have a good night and pray for my Health, as the pain monster is really horrible at times, left shoulder etc
have a laugh with Trump Putin Pope and British PM May
I’m Setting Up a Band ©
By
Michael Casey
The Pope was cursing, he had had enough, those
Heathens were just that Heathens. He just wanted a quiet life, all alone with
his Rosary, maybe it was Divine Inspiration, or maybe God was playing a trick,
it couldn’t be a dream it was more like a living nightmare. But this is what
happened.
Donald Trump said he’d resign immediately if
Putin did too, he did have his fingers crossed behind his back, and Fox did
show his fingers. Francis, Pope Francis was watching the BBC, for the sake of
his sanity, when he heard Donald Trump make yet another lie. Francis looked up
at the Cross on the wall, Lord if Trump and Putin both resigned now that might
be a good thing. But it’s more likely that I resign too, and what would the 3
of us do then, form a Rock Band like in the Blues Brothers.
Francis liked that film, especially when the Nun
hits the boys with a ruler for swearing. Francis smiled, Rahm Emanuel is
leaving Chicago soon, perhaps he should be our manager. There is always a
Jewish manager in pop bands, Francis smiled again.
Now God works in mysterious ways, and as he was
tending to a junkie who had just entered the Gates of Heaven, washing his feet
and kissing his track marks and then putting his a white suit like a 60s band
member, well God thought it would be a bit of fun. So a dream, the same dream
entered Putin’s and Trump’s mind. The next day simultaneously they invited the
other to Birmingham England, God loved the surreal so it just had to be
Birmingham. The Press corps thought Trump was on drugs, but as they laughed,
and Jon Sopal led the chorus of REALLY? The news came in that Putin had just
made the same comments. In actual fact, when they checked the announcement had
been made simultaneously.
Was Putin on drugs too, was there Collusion?
Trump winged it, I had a dream last night, much better than what’s his name’s
dream, yes Queen, I mean King. In the dream it said meet Putin in Birmingham.
Barron my son said he’s like to look at the Pre-Raphaelites, whatever they are.
He wants to meet Michael Casey the fat silver haired writer in shades too, he’s
in Birmingham. Though it’s more likely the Secret Service will just shave his
head and make a wig for that loser, Jeff Bezo, that’ll teach him and his
failing Washington Post.
I like that idea myself, but Jeff’s wig would be
no match for my mane. And that’ll teach Casey to respect THE PRESIDENT, Trump
reached for his phone to tweet that bit. The entire Press Corps reached for their phones to read
what he had just Twittered. Jon Sopal ran from the room laughing and in search
of a fresh pair of trousers, he’d just pissed himself laughing. There was a
rush for the men’s room, Trump was left alone rambling.
In Russia Putin said he had had a dream too, he
was naked and riding a horse through woods, the trees swayed and turned into
displays of watches hanging from every tree branch. It was a metaphor to remind
him that as great as he looked on his horse one day his time would be up. Just
as Autumn leaves fell, as the watches started to drop off Putin realised he only had so much time, his secret
heart problem would in the end kill him. So he would meet Trump in Birmingham,
he knew what Pre-Raphaelites were and he’d enjoy looking at them. He might even
bring an Easter egg to the museum, a jewelled one. He’d get to taste Cadburys
chocolate eggs too, what more could any Russian want?
The Pope was asked was this Divine Intervention,
he just joked was that some American singer. But in his heart Francis knew what
he had to do. He must go to Birmingham and jump out of a Confessional and
persuade the two of them to resign immediately. Maybe then the world would
stand a chance, he would trick them by saying, if you both resign I’ll resign
too, and we can form a Rock Band. He’d had a phone call from Theresa May the
night before, after she’d stopped swearing he said maybe she could resign and
become a lead singer in a rock band. She laughed, if you get Putin and Trump to
do it, then I’ll do it. Francis got her to say it 3 times and he recorded it,
Nixon learnt everything he knew about taping from his old priest after all. All
Francis had to do was to sneak into Birmingham cathedral, and then pounce, he’d
record everything with his bodycam and then upload it to the Web. Then both
Trump and Putin would have to resign. And to keep his bargain with God so would
he, and Theresa May could be the lead singer. In Paradise the junkie laughed
till he cried, am I still on drugs Lord? Yes, it’s called God’s Love, the only
drug worth having.
Francis had a problem, he couldn’t get a flight
to Birmingham, everything was booked, all the world was coming to Birmingham.
Luckily he had a friend with a balloon, Richard Branson was his name. Richard
explained his balloon would not be fast enough, but he had a friend called Musk
or something. Now this friend loved rockets, so if they strapped a rocket to
the basket then they’d get there much faster than 80 days. Francis gave Musk
some scented candles as a thank you.
Richard flew the balloon at night, and landed at
the Oratory, Benedict had asked Francis to return a book of Newman’s he’d
borrowed.At the Oratory Francis would catch a black taxi driven by Nanjit
Tanjit, who Nanjit Tanjit, he’s a character in The Butcher The Baker and The
Undertaker, you’ll have to do some research. And then under cover of darkness
Francis would sneak into Birmingham’s Saint Phillips’ cathedral. In the morning
Trump and Putin would light a candle for Peace.
There were no confessionals in Saint Phillips as
it was an Anglican cathedral, very small but very nice. This writer used to
hide in there during his lunch break for 3 years, the Verger who looks like
Jeff Bezo thought I was Holy, I was just sitting down, away from the heat of
the Print Room at Pinsent Masons law firm. Francis just hid for teh night in
something just as small as the Confessional, the toilet at the back of the
church behind the double doors.
In the morning Francis all in crumbled white
readied himself. The Secret Service and the FSB had checked the cathedral, so
Trump and Putin were all alone, just a remote camera showing live pictures
only. Francis had written “out of order” on a piece of paper so nobody had
bothered to check the toilet. As they postured for the cameras Trump and Putin
spoke. Well NO COLUSION, smiled Trump, yea but I still want the Presidential
Suite as soon as your tower in built in Saint Petersburg. Deal done smiled
Trump and they shook hands. The candles were lit and they bowed their heads.
Don Camillo would have given both of them an almighty kick up the arse. Saint
Petersburg, they had changed the city, the heir to Saint Peter was angry.
Francis jumped out and grabbed a lit candle, the
pair of presidents, which is a metaphor, jumped back. We thought we saw a Ghost
they exclaimed. The Holy Ghost sent me, now you both have to resign immediately
and join a Rock Band, the pair of presidents, still a metaphor laughed. If
Theresa May is lead singer and flashes her legs then we’ll do it. Ok we will
they both joked like a pair a presidents, even more a metaphor. Francis paused,
if you 2 resign then I will too, so long as Theresa May joins the band? YES YES
YES they said simultaneously. Francis was uploading this to the Holy Friar
website, in second the whole world heard the news. Then he played the tape of
Theresa May, including the bit where she was swearing like a trooper.
And that is how the Golden Politicians were born.
Francis too resigned on the spot. He wasn’t going to flat share the Vatican
with Benedict and his piano. He was hitting the road Jack and he wouldn’t look
back. In Parliament Mrs May punched the Speaker, which many had thought would
happen, but Mr Bercow just smiled, our views may be at variance, but to forgive
is divine, so I forgive. Mrs May had come to her senses by now so she French
Kissed the life out of him by way of apology. The kiss lasted a full nine
minutes, they say being Speaker is a dangerous occupation, but now History
would say otherwise.
If you have wondered why Mr May always looks so
happy and slightly bewildered behind his Biggles’ glasses well the Speaker can
explain things for you. With a parting Vsign to her own back benchers Mrs May
left the chamber, now the Speaker looked happy and very very bewildered behind
his disordered papers. He had to order a pint of Stella Artois be brought to
the Chamber to revive him.
The new band members met
in an upper room, the old Waterworks Jazz club venue. They had a pint of Stella
Artois each, though Pope Francis has a glass of wine too. Donald said he did
not drink, but when Theresa gave him the eye he was putty in her hands. So
Donald had 17 pints of Stella Artois and a packet of cheese and onion crisps.
His lifetime thirst was over. Stan the caretaker tapped another barrel. Then
then the new band moved to the Bell and Pump room to rehearse. Theresa now
liberated was the leader of the pack, and dressed all in skin tight leather she
now felt so so liberated.
They rehearsed all the
ABBA back list, it was the one thing they all knew. Francis was a great base
guitarist, and Putin just liked to stand at the keyboards, he was great, but
Classical was more his forte,but everybody just loves ABBA. Put what about
Donald? Well he put on a kilt and no knickers, and reached for a guitar. He
knew that girls loved to sleep with rock musicians, so he had secretly learnt
how to play. The servants had assumed the noise in the attic was his kids, but
no, it was the Donald. He’d paid Mick and Keith a lot of money to come and
teach him back in the 1970s. And he’d been practising for decades. Property he
knew, but strutting with a guitar he was even better at, but nobody knew.
Except a few ladies who’d signed non disclosure agreements.
So they played, while Rahm
Emanuel their new manager made
calls as only a Chicago mayor or former mayor can. He’d left Chicago safe in
the hands of a Black Lesbian Mayor, now Rahm Emanuel would face his biggest
test. Getting the biggest paying concert ever on the road. The Stones were delayed so while Mick stopped prancing they
could step in and seize their stage. Two Presidents, a Pope and a Prime
Minister. What a line up, Rahm Emanuel decided to call them The Four Golden
Peas. He rung Esther his dear friend and asked could she arrange security and
the finances once he funnel them to her. Security was easy her son made
military satellites, and knew many tough guys.
The money side of things
was kind of not legit, you see all the money would be going to Charity. The
first charity being Médecins
Sans Frontières, MSF or Doctors without Borders. Those bastards, the
politicians had started more wars between them so they should give back
something.
So Médecins
Sans Frontières, would be first. Rahm
had set himself a target, One Billion US Dollars. And to help things along,
Fr.Dan was going to hear Confession with El Chapo and when he finished every
cent he had stashed away would be going to Charity, real Charity not his
favourite hooker called Charity.
Fr. Dan knew how to hear Confession,
he would beat the ____ out of El Chapo while they were along in his cell. Then
he would use Voodoo and put the fear of God into El Chapo, finishing with the
words, God Doesn’t Love You Any More. This would break any man in 30 mins tops.
Screaming for mercy El Chapo would reveal all. Then Esther would use her
Russian Money Laundering Connections to launder the money, and it would end up
sparkling clean in each Charity’s bank account. Besides with Putin in the band,
no questions would be asked.
Rahm Emanuel smiled, he should have
been in the real Blues Brothers but he was just too busy, though he did do one
day’s work on the film. It was Rahm Emanuel who drove the car at the Neo Nazi
Bastards, so they had to jump for their lives. Not a lot of people known this,
Rahm is modest about his film driving career.
The first gig arrived. It would be at
Birmingham’s NEC Arena, the one that looks like Spider landed. Rahm Emanuel
smiled, Fr Dan had IMed Chapo had talked, in fact he sung like a canary, when a
multi black belt Jesuit asks you a question then you answer. Fr.Dan had used
Voodoo too, Chapo had peed himself in under a minute. The guards were watching
the Concert live in their rest room, so Fr.Dan was left in peace to hear
Confession.Rahm was too busy to count the zeros, it was 15,000,000,000 USD.
Esther smiled, her dear friend Mrs
Murphy would be so happy, but now she was busy moving the money. In and out of
Government’s own bank accounts as well, to make it all sparkling clean. Esther
has her list of Charities and smiling she went about her work. Meanwhile Artist
Differences had reared their ugly head. Theresa decided to let it all hang out.
So she stripped naked and demanded they all did the same. Stripped back music,
was different, maybe kissing Bercow had confused her. Give me your tie Donald.
So Theresa wrapped his red tie down below. She was like Cher with her modesty
half covered but with her behind hanging out. Then she grabbed Donald’s lapel
badge to cover her left nipple and Rahm gave her his badge for the right
nipple.
Glitter me she commanded, and then
she was spray painted in glitter,the perfect Glam Rock look. The Pope stayed
clothed in white, but he wore silver high heels. Donald and Putin were sprayed
in glitter, Donald lost his trousers but put a kilt back on. Putin just put
some very tight shorts on to highlight his accomplishments, of course he was
bar chested too.
With that Francis started to play,
And The Winner Takes it All, and Theresa May strode out and hit the stage.
Overwhelming Applause. She did grab her husband and give him the kind of kiss
you’d get arrested for if you did it in public. They lashed the crowd with ABBA
hits, and everybody was amazed and
Donald Trump showed the world his class and more as he spun around in his kilt,
knickerlass to the world. Putin stopped the show with his piano playing, he
inserted a few Russian classics.There were no flies on him, and certainly no
shirt required, he played his heart out. On the top of the keyboard were
Cadburys cream eggs which he scoffed as the show went on.
Francis disappeared in smoke, like
holy orders gone mad, but his Bass was unbelievable. Back home Benedict was a
little jealous, he was stuck in the Vatican and soon they’d be a 3rd
Pope. When they ran out of Abba songs Putin to sing, Russian traditional songs about
combine harvesters and wheat yield. But he knew nobody would understand, so he
cried as he sung and as the others jammed around. It was an absolute hit,
everybody in the audience was crying. Esther was laughing all the way to the
bank. 40,000,000,000 USD had been stolen from locked up drugs barrons, as Fr.
Dan had toured the jails. Many many charities had benefited. Even Spangle Shoes
for Prisoners would get 10,000USD.
What more can I say. Theresa May was
a Rock Chic, she wiggled and sung with all her heart. She was free from all
those BASTARDS, now she could give her husband everything she had. Her husband
rung Beds4Politicians and ordered a new divan set, he knew he’d be needing it.
Covered in Sweat and Naked before the Audience, was the title of the Live
Triple Album, Rahm certainly knew a good title. That made 100,000,000 USD for
Charity. The true figures were never released to the Public nor to Governments,
Esther and Rahm didn’t want too many nosey parkers into their business. They’d
give the finger to those kind of people.
At the end of the concert Rahm gave
each member of the band a crisp dollar bill. After expenses this is what you
get. A dollar each, the Pope looked at the reverse. IN GOD WE TRUST. Pope
Francis cried, he cried like a baby. Then he woke up, it had all been a dream.
But when he woke up under his pillow was a fresh dollar bill with Love Rahm
written on it.
Theresa May woke up her new divan
set, Beds4Politicians, was broken, her
husband was gently smouldering, tea and crumpet for breakfast dear. I’ve had
the strangest of dreams she began sitting up in bed, a crisp dollar bill with
Love Rahm was under her pillow, and why had she got USA flags stuck to her
nipples. And what was irritating her down below, she pulled out a red tie, her
husband never wore red.
What of Trump and Putin? They awoke
in The Plough and Harrow, they were in bed together, naked with each clasping a
dollar bill signed by Rahm Emanuel. Now am I making this all up, or is this a
Dream within a Dream. Donald did say at the beginning that he had a dream
better than a Queens…..
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