Stink in the Fridge

Stink in the Fridge ©

By Michael Casey

I was in the fridge looking for any leftovers when I wondered what it would be like to live in the fridge, it must be so cold after all. Then there is the fact that it is so dark inside, so if you were afraid of the dark it would be a fearsome experience. So how was life in the fridge for all the fridge life inhabitants.

I’m so cold in here that human hates us, leaving us in the cold and in the dark, is he just trying to save on his electricity bill. Come on you tomatoes lets jump up and down and we will create light, hey you sad bottles of milk make some bubbles and lets have some heat in here, those cows must have left some methane in the milk they are always farting, and leaving big messages everywhere.

So the tomatoes jump and the milk shakes and light and heat emerges inside the fridge. Look we are all gonna be eaten so we need to get this party started, lets start with Doe a Dear to cheer us up then there is Somewhere over the Rainbow and Out Of the Fridge. Soon the contents of the fridge were partying, outside nobody would ever know what was going on inside, except for Totoro the family cat who was trying to sleep on top of the fridge and could not due to all of the singing, she was a Cool Cat after all.

The girls came home from school and headed for the fridge, everything stopped inside the fridge, parting kisses were exchanged between the eggs and the tomatoes, the milk looked on and gurgled, the yoghurt and the Camembert just made a stink that’s all they could do. The eggs were taken outside for the firing/scrambling squad, Humpty Dumpty himself could not save them, he was trapped in the freezer box, he had his nose up against a cabbage, a red cabbage at that.

The fridge door opened again, those sisters were so horrid always eating when they came home from school, and in the morning they always had, BREAKFAST, they were savages absolute savages. Now those evil ugly girls were going to drown the bread, dipping it in the eggs, it wasn’t natural forcing eggs to soak bread and then saying it was French, French toast. Then together the egg and bread were burnt alive, Joan of Arc had suffered like that. So why remind the world with this French toast. Those girls were evil, and they even gave some to Totoro the cat when she leapt down from her perch on top of the fridge.

The food in the fridge consoled itself for a few hours singing songs, always look on the bright side of life was very popular as it reminded them of the light going on. Then at Midnight, and they knew it was Midnight as the clock chimed, the fridge door was flung open and Totoro who had been asleep on top of the fridge purred with delight.

Midnight feast, everything left in fridge was flung into the wok, and Mrs Casey and her evil daughters made Egg Fried Everything. The tomatoes leaked everywhere as they were diced and spliced and flung into the wok. The milk gurgled and the yoghurt bubbled, as for the Camembert it made an almighty stink in protest before it too was flung into the wok, Chinese words and laughter as it melted into the melange, those Casey women had raided the fridge and left it empty and pointless. Totoro leapt inside he could smell some spilt dairy and was busy licking I as the fridge door was being closed. A sad solitary tomato laughed in glee, but Totoro slashed his cheeky cheeks before leaping out of the fridge. The Midnight feast was over, time to sneak into a bed, Totoro was not stupid for she had just been fed, and as for the tomato it was DEAD. 

What are we gonna watch?

What are we gonna Watch ©

By Michael Casey

In the old days when I was a kid we had a black and white tv, a kind of box with controls at the side, there was a grill under the screen this is where the sound came out. It was sound, not stereo or Nicam nor Dolby nor anything else.At night when we went to bed Jean our black cat had her opinion on tv. She sat on top of it for the warmth it held, a tv was as big as a microwave back then, just to give you all some idea of the dimensions, bigger in fact but you get the idea.

Nowadays we all have lcd tvs, just as we have lcd monitors on our desktops, or we have thin laptops. Its funny when we see an old film and it has huge old fashioned computer monitors. I remember them from 1978 when I started as a computer operator, I also remember getting my 1^st flat screen monitor. I sold my old new unused large and bulky monitor to the taxi driver at the hotel. He arrived at our house in his jaguar and but the monitor in its box on the back seat or was it in the boot, then he drove me to work on a Sunday at the hotel, CPNEC. Those were the days, me and the drivers bonded, but that’s another story.

Now back to the story, what do we watch on tv now, we are spoilt for choice, by the way the tv screen in hotels are made in such a way that there are redundant if not attached to the hotel broadcast system, in other words they are not worth stealing. As for you and me at home we now have so many channels that you need a GCSE in planning in order to get the most out of our Sky+ or Sky Q or the Virgin this or that. You have to scan down the tv guide to see what’s on and will it clash with the Man U game for him, and Bake Off for her, and the Mongolian Wrestling for Granddad and Grandma on Sky Arts, introduced as ever by Melvin Bragg.

Thankfully every platform has a way of recording a show or two or three while you watch one Live Show as my wife calls it. Though some people are in relative poverty as the politicians might call it as all they have is Freeview, which only has 40 channels, such utter and abject poverty, we should hold our heads in shame until everybody has Sky, I’m sure they’ll be questions in Parliament about the TV Poverty, and maybe they’ll be an Act of Parliament, and eventually all of us will be equal with 300 tv and radio channels in tip top stereo and 4K.

And what will our kids say when we have this equality, and they are saying it already, Why is there never anything to watch on tv. Yes that’s what they say, in USA I guess they have 1000 channels and the same chant goes up, There’s never anything good on tv. Bribes have to be given and exchanged so that what we want is on the main family tv, or the only tv in our house.

If I give you a can of Stella Artois can I watch Bake Off, and if I give you a Cadbury’s Crunchie can I watch Grimm and Sherlock and Blacklist back to back. Ok, I’ll give you 2 Crunchies and some sherbets, but I’m not sharing my Dr Pepper. Don’t tell mum that DIY makeover is on or she’ll hog the tv and make us do more homework. She’s still livid we only got 98% in our last 7 tests, she says she ashamed of us and did not tell Grandma in Shanghai or she would have had a heart attack and died of shame.

Then we wouldn’t get any more clothes especially chosen by grandma, I’m conflicted now, as mum really should watch her favourite tv, and maybe then grannie would NOT keep on sending us those clothes she buys on Chinese Amazon, I’m sure she’s colour blind.  

Once the family is gathered round the tv dad is sent out in the pouring rain to buy sweets and pop, the Polish shop has bottles of 2.25 litres so its better value, and the family can burp even more thanks to the extra .25 litres. Then the family eats Polish snacks chosen by the pretty design on the packaging, dad cannot read any Polish after all, even if the staff always talk to him in Polish.

So a family is united around the tv, 98% will have to do for now before Shanghai mother rounds on them in Mandarin and Shanghai dialect telling them to hit the books or she will sell the tv. But not before Grimm is is finished as she thinks Nick is cool, and her daughters both want to marry Monroe when they grow up, a werewolf in the family would be nice. Meanwhile dad has a sneaky pint of Stella Artois while fending off Totoro the cat.

When all the tv watching is over the tv is switched off, they really must find time to watch the 40 films they have recorded. As for Totoro the cat she has been watching the gymnastics and has worked out a way of sitting and sleeping on a lcd tv, and that would explain why every morning there are cat’s whiskers on the tv, and wasn’t how tv’s and radio were invented in the first place. To get cats to come in off the garden fence at night , a warm tv was the perfect bribe, you just ask John Logie Baird, that’s why he invented tv. 

How do I pick my nose or my words I mean

How do I pick my nose or my words I mean ©

By Michael Casey

To pick my nose I use my finger, but I’ll stop there and leave it to your own imagination. For what I really want to talk about is how do I pick my stories, I nearly used another word there beginning with st but I stopped myself, enough is enough, and less is more as they say.

See as I’m talking to you sounds are the big influence, if I think of this then there is always that, but not the other because that’s another idea and I’m not talking about that at all. See how an idea is a ball in a pin ball machine, or my balls bounce about and make different noises and flashing lights. By my balls I mean my juggling balls, and by balls I means IDEAS, I was using a Metaphor, but will any of you believe me?

So as I sit in my chair I think what should I talk about, what ideas do I have, then a neighbour may pass by outside and the way they look or walk reminds me of something or I get an idea. If you like they are my ingredients, they are my fridge contents. So a person is an egg, and somebody else is a bit of cheese, and then there is ham, I just mix them together to form an omelet. So does that make me a greedy pig, or somebody who knows his onions but not his dictionary.

Then  there events from my day, such as today meeting a nice lady and having a good old gossip, she was an audio typist so hello to her if she reads this over Christmas at her friend’s house. Yes my writing is random, that’s what stops it for being boring for me as the writer. I think I did mention to the audio typist that I do want to dictate my next full length novel, Tears for a Butcher, that way I could write or rather dictate it in 3 months. If I try writing it myself it would take a year at least, and due to the state of my health I am not inclined to do it, and that’s why you get short stories from me. They take an hour to write and are like bars of chocolate, or I hope you think so, but do remember to brush your teeth after you read any of my stories.

As I talk to you I can hear Totoro our cat running around, she has 3 bells on her collar and a little badge saying “Best Bitch”, it was given to us by a Lesbian friend, and ended up on the cat. This is how we are in our Adams family here in Birmingham. Today we had our first real Christmas tree, my wife was ecstatic, our girls dressed the tree and they were very happy too. Totoro was outside hissing at the neighbour’s cat, we have yet to discover where she goes when we let her out. She has come back home smelling of perfume and of pizza. So she may visit our Polish or Japanese neighbours and their children, or our gay neighbours over the garden fences.

Our other gay neighbours have a wonderful Christmas tree in the window so my wife is so happy that ours is just as good as theirs. As for Totoro she enjoys climbing on top of our fridge, so I am half expecting her to dive bomb into the Christmas tree from that vantage point.   

I need to go to bed now so I’ll finish for the night, I hope I’ve shared my trick with you, making the ordinary sound interesting. As Frank Carson the comedian used to say, you’ve heard it all before, but its the way I tell them. So Goodnight to you all and please do send a Christmas card to anybody who’d enjoy the love, ecards are available too.  

Cruel Christmas

Cruel Christmas ©

By Michael Casey

I was scanning the newspapers when I saw a piece about Johnny Depp’s goodwill trips to hospital. His daughter was saved by GOSH,  Great Ormond Street Hospital about 10 years ago, he was also in a biopic about Peter Pan’s creator, which is very good too.

Now that’s the good side of Christmas, but what about the dark side, can you feel the force or have you found your grannie’s stash of Babycham and are too hungover to feel anything, a bit like me having a pain day today.So if you are all sitting comfortably let me begin, no burping or farting at the back there, or there’ll be no Polish vodka for you. Didn’t I tell you the local deli gave me a bottle, I thought it was water but when I opened it I had a big big surprise.

So for Mrs Proper your English teacher what are you giving her? A scales and a tape measure, she is 123 kilos after all. The scales are to measure out her food, they go up to 150kilos, and the tape measure is to measure the mounds of food she shovels down her throat. You are so very thoughtful.

And what about Miss Crawley, you’re giving her something from Victoria’s Secret and and an ipad. My you must really like her, what does she teach, Religion. So why do you want to give her lingerie, because she is so hot you’d risk the Fires of Hell just to see her in red lingerie, and maybe she’ll take some selfies with the ipad, and maybe more. Perhaps a bottle of holy water would be more appropriate, or a bottle of Polish vodka.

Then there is the caretaker what are you going to give him? Deodorant, Brut, definately Brut, or maybe Jeyes Fluid with a spray nozzle attached. Does he have a sweat problem? Oh, the boys locker rooms smell nicer than him. You could have a quiet word to save embarrassing him. You did that, that was very king of you. The Cheerleaders did a 5 minutes routine saying he stunk, he stunk, he stunk worse than a SKUNK. And what was his reaction? He just farted over the P.A. Nice.

So we’ve done school, what about a present for your local priest. An egg timer, that’s thoughtful, so he’ll have perfect boiled eggs for his breakfast, the most important meal of the day. Oh, its for his pulpit so he’ll give shorted sermons. Well dual purpose presents are always the best ones and it does save money.

And are you giving anything to Henry our street cleaner, 20 cans of lager, that’s very good. You are going to drink the lager first and give him the empty cans, now that’s so cruel. You really are going to give him 20 cans of lager, he rescued your wallet from the storm drain by using his litter picker. You were on a hot date with somebody from school, Miss Crawley, only joking but who knows in the future.

What about granddad, you have bought him incontinence knickers so he can watch Manchester United without dashing to the toilet in the middle of it, and he can drink 4 cans of Stella Artois such is the capacity of the incontinence knickers. My you really do love granddad.

What about your sister, you got her original gift tokens, I never heard of original gift tokens. You gave her 100 quid in cash, very kind of you. You had a win on the lottery otherwise she’d have gotten 10 quid and a lottery ticket. But it’s the thought that counts.

And what about me, do I get anything, though to be honest a card made with love would be enough. You have nothing for me, but when you finish your Kentucky Fried Chicken  you’ll make a Christmas card out of the box, because you know how ecology and recycling is so dear to my heart. Oh, but you will put a lottery ticket inside the card, you will, that’s nice I could win millions, and I’d buy everybody in the family a new house. What can you repeat that your mouth is so full of chicken, can I lend you 2 pounds for lottery ticket, then you’ll put it in the card made from a used Kentucky Fried Chicken box.

Merry Christmas2016 Everybody, Christmas costs nothing and is made of Love, and I have plenty of that, nothing, nothing but love. 

Hackers Galore

Hackers Galore ©

By Michael Casey

Well its after 3.15am, I had to get up again in the middle of the night because of the pain, when I lay down I get pain, but after 2 years  I can bend down more post unplanned quadruple heart bypass, its just my Arthur, my arthritis is such a pain too. Yes there are millions of people suffering far far worse than me, but remember its not a competition, just be kind to any folks you know suffering. And yes I do tell my daughter if she becomes a Doctor the Pain Relief is the greatest vocation, and then I’ll praise her.

So now you know the background, I’ve taken some pain killers, you can only have 8 in 24 hours or its dangerous, so I keep a record on top of the microwave. Now I had a look at the Daily Telegraph and it was on about hacking so I thought I’d talk to you about that while I wait for the pain killers to kick in, and when I’m so tired I nearly fall over then that is the time to return to bed.

Another thing to note is the different styles I adopt when I’m talking to you, flippant or sarcastic, or just bizarre, or sometimes even serious. I don’t know which is the favourite for you all from Singapore to Italy to Canada to Poland and many other places including China and Russia. Talking of Russia they seem to be very naughty boys, helping Trump to win the USA Election, because they think he’d be a weak President.

Now the Democrats did help Hillary too much, the rules were broken, Biden did not run because tragically his son had died, but the way Hillary was treated and the whole process to help her was Crooked, yes really and I speak as an avid News follower. As Susan Sarandon said she does not vote with her Vagina, sadly Hillary and the party thought all women would, when obviously they did not. As we are told by our BBC sadly all the candidates were pretty pants, which means Rubbish in English, it does not mean Hillary had a great suit on.

The other thing that struck me was the fact how easy it was to hack the DNC, secured encrypted server comes to mind, but hey I forgot Hillary’s private server was suspect too. There should be a law which makes servers encrypted and a 5 year jail sentence if they get hacked, the jail sentence would be for the server company, the hacker should get 10 years in jail. Or a trip one way to Russia, or to an embassy in London, then maybe things would change, but sadly I think not.

So what would hackers get from me, boredom, you all so cruel, my life’s work, 30 years of writing 12 books and 40 pages of 2018 New Horizons which will be my 13^th book out in 2018. 3600 pages all told. Yes I secure everything, I was a computer operator back in1978 nearly 40 years ago, I know how easy it is to lose data as we call it nowadays. So backups galore is my motto.

From a Priest would the Hackers get the Perfect Prayer on his hard drive, or a diary of sins confessed by his parish, ready to blackmail everybody in future, or a best seller ready for his retirement. No you wouldn’t get any of that, you’d get a list of sermons that he’d given with a mark in the corner, an honest mark from the altar boys, judging just how bad his sermons were. You can get 10s or 4s for sermons, having sat through thousands my tip to any priest is 10 mins to 15 mins tops is the perfect length for any sermon. A priest is there to share the word of God and to explain it, a priest is not there to talk down or polish his intellect, its to be humble.

A Journalist’s computer is always worth hacking, if only to discover a list of the best pubs in England, followed by fish and chip shops. Without these there would be no news the Journalists just could not cope. I have an idea for Tears for a Butcher my next full length novel if ever I get around to writing it, in it the journalist is told he is granted Angel Gabriel rights on the company credit card, so in order to stay close to the story he buys The Windmill the pub opposite the hospital, so only NUJ members can get in with their Press Card.

Sorry I have to finish now its 4.15am and I’ll go back to bed now, but I hope you all secure your computers and have passwords in a mixture of 5 different languages, upper and lower case and symbols too. Five minutes thought can save your business and everybody’s job. 

Tell the Truth and Shame the Devil

Tell The Truth and Shame the Devil ©

By Michael Casey

I don’t know about you but when I was a kid and I did something wrong my mum would say she would not hit me, just tell the truth and shame the devil. This has stuck with me all my life, so I just cannot abide liars, if you lie to me and I find out I will never trust you again. If you cannot be trusted in small things, how can you be trusted with big things. There is no such thing as its so insignificant it does not matter, everything does matter.

My mothers values were taught to her at the nipple, from her 19^th Century mother, so maybe my values come from there too. The reason I mention this is that Post Truth is the word of 2016 apparently. In other words LIARS WIN, or they would if all of us were not careful. Today Trump has sacked the son of his Nation Security Advisor, check BBC for full and accurate report. Basically some cock and bull story about Hillary and a pizza house in DC, which ended up with a guy and a rifle turning up at the pizza place. This is madness, are people so stupid that they believe anything a blogger writes in cyberspace, have people lost their brains, do they only read the web and not BBC, nor ABC, NBC or even Fox, check facts  from 3 different sources at least.

So with Post Truth in mind can you tell what is true or fiction from what I’m about to write. Mark Zuckerberg is really black but has the same condition as Michael Jackson had. Facebook is really part of the Mafia, and if you go to the Italian version you can see for yourself that what I say is true. The Pope, Francis is really a pizza maker from Venice,and he has a gondola parked at the back of the Vatican, on a little lake he had 10,000 nuns dig with spoons.

Hillary is really Mrs Doubtfire, now that she has ditched the make-up you can see the resemblance, that’s why she looks so happy now she has lost the Presidency. As for Obama he refuses to move out of The White House, that’s why there is no room for Trump’s wife and son, its all a pretence that Baron has to finish school The Truth is that the Obamas are squatting, until Obama’s kids finish their school. Both the Obama girls are doing hairdressing courses specialising in hair cuts for seniors, and blue rinses for the over 95s.

Mylie Cyrus is really a construction worker, hence the wrecking ball in  her video, she is flat broke really, if she was making money from music then she could afford clothes, she’s broke that’s why she is nearly always naked. And as for Taylor Swift she is really a dwarf, she just performs on stilts, you look closely and you’ll see I’m right.

As for Bond, James Bond, Daniel Craig is really a woman, nobody could have such come to bed eyes if they were a man, his bedroom eyes proves he is a woman, you know its true. All the action sequences are done by a body double, another woman.

I can go on and on telling you the Truth, but are you prepared to accept it, the Truth hurts you know. Milk is not milk you know, it comes from the breasts of triple breasted aliens who have been give sanctuary on Earth so long as they give us milk. They can sometimes by seen in Playboy magazine, that’s why Hugh Heffner looks so happy, he has several living over his garage.

My 12 books are on Amazon and if you buy them girls will jump into bed with you. Or boys if you don’t want girls in your bed. Follow link.    https://www.amazon.com/MichaelCasey/e/B00571G0YC 

Now this Final Post Truth  statement is either the biggest lie or just plain bad or is it good marketing, perhaps I need to put it on Facebook before any of you believe me, cos if its on Facebook it must be true. Hang on Putin has come in to use my bathroom perhaps I’ll ask him for advice.

i came down stairs for pain killers and ended up writing this its nearly 3am

I want to Sleep with You

I want to Sleep with You  ©

By Michael Casey

Before you all get the wrong idea, what I mean is that I just read a piece in the newspaper about Hästens Vividus which is the most expensive bed in the world. One of my dreams is that when we finally move house I'd like a new plush bed, though the one I've just read about costs as much as my house, so I really do need to win the lottery or for all of you to buy all of my books on Amazon.Your purchase will send me to sleep, unlike my writing which should make you laugh.

Beds are nice comfy things, where you sleep and make love, and scream in my case scream in pain these past few years due to my Arthritis. But there is nothing nicer than a nice warm bed, and a nice warm lover besides you. Or if you are too young for that a teddy bear or your dog or cat sleeping on the duvet at your feet.

When we were kids we used to pull back the curtains of our bedroom and bounce up and down on the mattress doing a show for our neighbours at the bottom of the garden. Once we spoke to our neigbours over the garden fence, they asked who the stupid people were, so we denied all knowledge 3 times, just then  our other neighbours’ cock crowed.

Beds take a lot of knocks, so the leg broke, not the same bed we were dancing on, but another one, we were a large family after all. So what do you do with a broken bed, we could not replace it just for that reason. So a baked bean tin was used in place of the broken bed leg, though when we wanted beans on toast the bed lost its substitute leg. So we then used a 100 year old iron,the old fashioned one that you heated up to iron your clothes with, one of those ones. And it was a perfect replacement leg, luckily we had an electric iron to keep our clothes pressed with.

Headboards are an add-on and the bed shop charges for one of those, if your headboard breaks then you have to suffer, or just put an extra pillow on  your bed, and hope it does not slide off the wall behind your bed. In hotels you have really big and majestic headboards, these can cost 100s of pounds, and if ever I really do get my fancy bed a headboard can cost 50% of the cost of the fancy mattress. The headboard also acts as noise insulation for snoring and other noises that come from beds. Though I’m hoping some fancy bed company sends me a fancy bed in the future, I could be a bed tester.I tend to wake up every 2 hours like Dracula rising from his grave, I am like clockwork in that regard.

I have of course broken a couple of beds, because because because, I am just so heavy. 110 kilos or 245pounds if you are American or 17.5stones in English. I weigh more that a heavyweight boxer, and I am 5feet 10inches or 178cm in French.I look much much lighter as its all compact tight fat, not wobbly fat, that’s why I am a George Clooney look alike.

So a bed just has to be strong. I did have one that lasted 25 years, but its replacement a metal one just wilted under the weight.Imagine a giraffe that’s fallen over after having too much grass,the green grass in fields, giraffe’s don’t do drugs, they always say NO. So my metal bed legs just gave way. We put the old bed frame in the street and a passing Polish guy picked it up and hammered it back into shape. He was only half my weight.

So my next bed was a nice wooden one that you assemble, only it had a tiny crack in it. That bed was really nice and pretty to look at, it coped with my mass really well. That is until one night there was a loud big BANG, in my bed. It woke me up,the crack over the 2 years I had it just got bigger until it snapped and one side of the bed gave way. So in the morning I took the bed downstairs and used it to form a garden fence, it still looks pretty at the bottom of my garden, like a fancy stile.

So finally I tried Argos and they had a 700pound bed frame, luckily it was reduced to 150quid. It weighs a ton and would not fit up my stairs until I removed all the packaging.I could barely lift the sections together but somehow I managed to put the jigsaw together. This is the bed I am still sleeping in, it looks quite posh too. It will stay in the house if ever we finally move as I do not have the strength now to take it apart.

I have bought a new mattress to go with it, and my advice is not to skimp on the mattress, the mattress should cost at least twice as much as the bed frame. So a cheap 100 quid bed should have a 200quid mattress on it. Don’t forget duck pillows and Egyptian cotton sheets. See you all want to sleep with me now, or rather not with me but in my bed. If I roll over I’d kill you as I’m so heavy, I am in fact 3 times heavier than my wife.

A good bed and mattress such as the Hypnos brand is a thing of beauty that’ll last for years and bring you much pleasure whatever you are doing in it,even if its just sleeping, so don’t buy a second hand BMW, but a great bed instead, and get a bus pass. Then you’ll have a greater appreciation of life and loving, without adding to pollution, though you may add to population.