Grandma I’ll always protect you ©
By
Michael Casey
Now it’s 11th Dec 2019, I’ve just checked my readers figures and you are still a very far flung crowd. I didn’t have a single idea in my head, as usual, then a thought slipped past like a cloud, and I had a picture in my head. It was a Grandma or a Babushka as my Russian and Ukrainian readers might say. So this is the cartoon stuck to the page, I’m not pushing myself as much to create new stories, when I get a PhD student write a FaceBook essay on me, then maybe I’ll speed up again. Though I did have a PhD reading my rubbish recently, he was looking for a recipe and just found a recipe for my rubbish. So if you are sitting comfortably, ok finish those 5 pints each then I’ll begin.
Nana was a nana, her son had died tragically, so she was left to raise his child JB, the mother had left as she did not want to be tied down, well outside the bedroom that is, so Nana was left with her grandchild JB. Nana loved being a nana, and she loved JB with all her heart. It always amused her to claim her Pension and Child Tax Credit on the same day, rather like this writer’s mother did many a year ago. So Nana just winked at the man in the post office, pretending to be like Frances de la Tour in Vicious on the tv, if you haven’t heard of it go find it, Gay Gandalf is in it too, you can find it when I finish this story.
So Nana was a great nana, she encouraged JB in everything he did, and JB loved her back. And was was JB called JB, well because he always wore a Tee shirt with JB printed on the front, refusing to change it. So despite having a name, JB was just that JB. Rather like somebody refusing to take their anorak off when visiting Lourdes in 1966, or in East is East that film. So JB grew up, he was so small and weedy and Nana worried he’d be bullied and not be able to look after himself, so she always fed him meat, and meat and more meat. Then when her neighbours’ sons started to do Martial arts at ten JB was sent along too with Taz and Singh and Anita too, Anita was destined to be a doctor, but her mother said it would be good for when she was a GP doing home visits, just in case.
Now JB just got bigger and bigger, and fell in love with Anita. She fell for him too, but their paths would diverge when she went to Cambridge to study Medicine. He wasn’t gifted in science, but the things he could do with his hands were unbelievable, he could build things, there was always the smell of soldering iron in Nana’s house. And yes of course Anita loved the way he stroked her hair, and her very heart. He was her’s and if anybody even looked at JB they’d be sorry, she did hold a couple of Black belts by then, as did JB and Taz and Singh. Taz and Singh will be in the Tokyo Olympics in 2020, just look for their warm up JB Tee shirts, they are not supposed to wear them but, who’s brave enough to tell them off. Besides they are Birmingham boys, and Birmingham boys love kebabs from Neelams near the Kings Head, and besides when the kebab sauce dripped the JB Tee shirt was great for mopping it up.
So Anita went to Cambridge to study to be a doctor, but she was going to marry JB, he’d impressed her dad and her uncles by working in their electrical shop since her was 12, fixing the un-fixable. But they did insist he got a degree too if he was to marry into the family. So JB decided on Electrical Engineering, or some other fancy title, it was far more than wire a plug and so forth, if you want to know go study it yourself. Then explain it to me, because I haven’t a clue I’m just a poor writer, and I mean lacking money, not rubbish writer, just in case you are getting any ideas as you are sat in your chair. Any cheek and I’ll plug in your chair to the mains, that’ll give you a Ken Dodd hair style.
So Anita was away, and JB was away too, the boys Jaz and Singh were practising for the Olympics. Nana was all alone in the house, she had fallen asleep in the reclining arm chair that JB had made for her. It replaced the old battered one she used to sit in as she read stories to him, then to Anita and Jaz and Singh too. She had loved the armchair and so did JB, it was like the armchair in Nanny McFee, but obviously bigger as Nana had such a fat arse. So with regret it was replaced, but the stories continued even now they had all grown up. So there was a bump in the night, Nana had fallen asleep in the chair, the house was so warm. JB had totally rewired and insulated it, and there were solar cells on the roof. In fact I lied JB was going to do a PhD in Electrical Engineering, if Anita was going to be a doctor examining him as they lay in bed together, he should be a doctor too, doctor and doctor not just playing doctor and nurses.
So Nana awoke there was a shadow lurking like a ghost in the corner of her living room. Nana pretended to be asleep, she was half frozen with fear in her warm house. She cursed herself, she could have flicked the alarm on, but it was too late now, there was an invader in the house, her burglar alarm was useless. Give me your money you old bitch threatened the burglar. Nana closed her eyes, the burglar had a weapon and was so big, and then she noticed he has 2 others with him. Nana was afraid, but JB had always said he’d protect her, and he never lied, she had brought him up right. He knew right from wrong.
My grandson said he’d always protect me, she said defiantly with a quiver in her voice. He’s no use to you, you’re all alone, we’ve been watching the house. You’re rich we’ve seen all the fancy cars visiting you, so you must have money. Give us your stuff, or we’ll hit you. Nana started to cry, a slow silent tear slipping down her face. She’d die all alone in her own home, beaten up by three big men from the shadows. JB protect me, she whispered. The 3 burglars moved closer, Nana closed her eyes and touched her locket.
Nana, always wear this locket, I’m only as heart beat away, just as Anita is and Taz and Singh, you are all our nanas. Nana smiled, the 3 burglars raised their weapons. Nana squeezed her locket. Force ten from Navorone erupted, or in fact much much more than force ten, more like 19. Wall to ceiling speakers awoke, Hey Jude by the Beatles played on speakers, Mother Mary Come to Me, the force of the speakers, drop kicked the burglars in the chest, a glass case surrounded the armchair, military grade bullet proof glass. JB promised he’s always protect his Nana. From the roof flares lit up the night sky, and ear piercing whistle went out. Every dog for 10 miles heard and would come running, every shop keeper and his Alsatian would come running, or be dragged by the dog. The house was lit up by sports field like lights. It was a nuclear flash of light, PhD in Electrical Engineering or what.
JB looked at his phone. He saw the web camera picture of Nana, safe in the armchair. He pressed speak. Come out with your hands up, the Police are on their way. The burglars spat at the glass case, that was a big mistake, the sensors said under attack, so more flares lit up the night sky. Nana closed her eyes as JB had instructed if ever the unimaginable occurred. Holograms of Jez and Singh appeared amongst all the noise and light. By now the dogs had arrived, the burglars crawled out the house, the noise and light putting the fear of god into them, or the love of Mary via Jude protecting Nana.
The 3 burglars had been robbing the area for a long time, but they had picked the wrong house tonight. The dogs lined up and formed a queue to pee all over them, they were shopkeepers dogs after all. Anita watched the scene from her phone in Cambridge, she smiled she loved her JB, he was already a PhD he was so clever and advanced in his field.
So the next day in a field outside Cambridge Anita said, doctor doctor examine me, so Jeremy Boris did as he was told,being careful of all the stubble.
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