So why do you want to be a member of our club?

So why do you want to be a member of our club? ©

By Michael Casey

Come in, take a seat, make yourself at home, we don’t stand on ceremony here, at the Club. Now before we start you take sugar in your tea? Have to ask, the Prime Minister is a diabetic you know so we always ask, just in case she pops in for a cuppa.  I’ve got a few hobnobs on a plate for you as well. Yes go ahead and dunk your biscuit into the tea, we’re not snobs you know, I’ll let you into a secret Theresa is a dunka, her whole crew are dunkas, the amount of biscuits they get through when they pass by all blue lights flashing. Thank God she’s not Obaba, his crew is 200 I believe, the cost of the free hobnobs would be enormous. We don’t charge her for tea and biscuits it’s an honour after all, and we won’t be getting any honours for the honour if you know what I mean.

Now I see you haven’t filled in an application form, can you tell me why Mr Casey, oh you prefer being called Michael, just plain Michael, you don’t expect any honours either, your dad used to ask was there any money attached to the honour. And as there wasn’t they could kiss his arse, or he’d lift his leg and fart, which added to the global warming.

You have not filled in the form because your hand writing is terrible, like drunken spiders on acid, if I forgive the poetic licence. And what is your occupation, you are a writer, a writer with bad handwriting. Perhaps you should have been a doctor, if you forgive my little joke. Your daughter’s going to be a doctor, touche, no really she’s determined to be a doctor. Well that’s nice, Harley Street could always do with new doctors.

What else do you do? You shop in Aldi, you could be the Times Aldi correspondent keeping the readership abreast of all the latest bargains. You do know though that Times readers are Lidl shoppers, apart from when they shop in Waitrose or have Ocado deliver it. What? Aldi is best, between you and me that’s where I shop myself.

And if Theresa and her crew decide to come around often I’ll be stocking up on biscuits from Aldi.  Give the Police and Prime Minister a tea and a hobnob biscuit and you can forget about those parking tickets f o r e v e r, it’s like have CD on your car. No not a CD player  in the car, but a CD plate, no not a dinner service. A CD plate, Corps Diplomatic  on your number plate. Those people never pay for parking tickets.

Now what interests have you, you like reading newspapers. Your fingers must be permanently black, not unless you wear gloves, forgive my little joke. You read them online for free, don’t tell Rupert he’s a member of the club, he’d be livid. What else do you like, you like watching films on tv, on Sky with your daughters. Rupert would be happy to hear that, he’s saving up to buy the BBC, but don’t quote me.

Now about the dress code, we are a gentleman’s club after all. So smart attire at all times it’s not like that club in James Bond, you know the one with Madona in, we have an image to uphold, we don’t want to upset Theresa, not that I’m showing favour to her, it’s just great PR for us, membership applications are up 25% and fees up 10%. I don’t know who the bloke with the big glasses is, but he seems nice and Theresa’s eyes  sparkle when she’s with him, so he must be some junior minister or something.

Now I haven’t mentioned it so far, but what are you wearing a dress? It’s a very nice dress, silver and split very high up the legs, good job you are wearing under-ware underneath that’s all I can say. You got it 2^nd hand from a Brazilian friend she only wore it once last night at a runway show at the Olympics. So you know a few supermodels? The reason being you break in their shoes for them, can you imagine 6inch stilettos without being broken in first. It’s a hard job but somebody has to do it.

No doubt Eddie Izzard is a friend. Not anymore. He got you the shoe breaking in job, when his comedy career took off, and he was too busy to continue. So Eddie Izzard used to break in shoes for models, and that’s the real reason he became a transvestite, not because he likes wearing lipstick and high heels. Exactly. Might I ask what was the reason for the falling out. 

You introduced him to Marathons, I see Mr Izzard ran 26 marathons in 26 days.  He’s become addicted to them, and his addiction counsellor has advised he ties his shoelaces together so he can’t go running off into the distance any more. The real reason though was that you meant Marathons the chocolate bar, or Snickers as it’s called nowadays. You wanted him to eat more chocolate, but he misunderstood you and went off running Marathons.

Well you seem to have answered all my questions, do you have any of your own. What price is a pint of Stella Artois? £3.50 in the bar. You get a can for a quid back home in Old Forge and Singing Anvil. Can you wear your dress all the time? Well it is a very nice dress, but if you dress as a woman you still have to use the men’s toilets. We are strict about that, just as those Americans are. Only joking, so long as you don’t pee on the carpet we are very relaxed, very relaxed indeed.

Smoking of course if forbidden, except in the library, nobody uses the library nowadays, so it’s a smoking room. You can use the ink wells as ashtrays. Any more questions?  The food is Michelin 2 star. No that does not mean the beef is as tough as tyres. It’s wonderful in fact. MacDonald or Burger King level? I’d say Burger King level but even better. The fries? Let’s say they are hand made with love. You can meet Jules the chef if you like. You cannot speak French. That’s ok Jules is a Linguist, multi- lingual. You are blushing why?

Well I hope you have been satisfied. Now as regards the fees. What fees? You think this is free? You read about being an honorary member, so could you have one of those please. Do you have connections? You know Henry the street cleaner from Old Forge and Singing Anvil, and Big Sid the Butcher. I don’t think that is quiet enough. I think you’ve had a wasted journey apart from the tea and hob bobs.

I better show you the way out.

What about Smiling Paul and Percy the Poet Undertaker?

You know Smiling Paul and Percy the Poet Undertaker?

Of course.

That’ll do nicely. Your membership will be in the post, and can I say that dress really does show off your legs nicely, apart from the surgery scars if I might be a little forward.

With that I lifted my dress from the gutter and hailed a taxi. Smiling Paul is the bookie and Percy really is a poet Undertaker in Old Forge and Singing Anvil which is where we live. What I didn’t know is that Smiling Paul and Percy the Poet Undertaker are also the names of two chief whips in the government. The fear of God had given me free membership, either that or they really liked my dress.