I'm glad to be fertilizer

I’m glad to be fertilizer ©

By Michael Casey

At a funeral the mourners are all gathered there, the family, the friends plus a few of the local  alcoholics who came in search of free food. Also squeezed in at the back a few men in suits with what appeared to be bodyguards, in shades with ponytails. What was also noticeable were the flowers, 100s of flowers. There were also what appeared to be models, 10 or more of them. What were such people doing at a funeral for a humble man, a nothing if you like.

The priest rose to read the oration, which is a new thing at Catholic funerals. John Doe was simple man, some may say he was a nothing, he had his faults as we all do, but he had many friends as witnessed by you all being here. When John lost his job he had no hope, no future, just a young family to feed. He came to me and asked did I know anybody who could help him, he had despair in his eyes. I told him all I could do was pray, so I gave him a Padre Pio prayer card and he put it in his pocket.

The next day, the very next day Mr Slim at the back of the church there, his car had a puncture and on impulse he came inside Saint Jude’s. So I welcomed him, and Mr Slim said he was Jewish, so I told him my only joke I knew. Aren’t Catholics Jews who have gone wrong? Mr Slim laughed and I asked did he know of anywhere that could do with a good honest man as a worker, just like Saint Joseph. So that’s how John, John Doe got  his chance, because of the puncture in the tyre of the Rolls Royce.

John spent 30 years working for Mr Slim, he was a cleaner, a spare set of eyes in the foyer of his casino, but he was much more than that He was the welcome mat. He may have been overlooked by some, but if you don’t wipe your shoes you soon have a house full of muck. John also knew how to make people welcome, to make them smile while they were waiting for friends to catch up. How do you describe a smile? It’s something that that makes you warm. Mr Slim knows that and that is why at his hotels and other businesses he tells the staff a smile is the most important part of the business.

John Doe and Mr Slim became friends, you have to treat the humblest of your workers as well as you treat your own mum and dad. Mr Slim had an idea, every new worker had to shadow John, so they spent 2 days cleaning toilets and floors. Then Mr Slim would have a quiet word with John, if you like it was part of the interview process. John a nothing a nobody was in fact a gatekeeper, rather like Saint Peter who John will be meeting presently after his funeral is over.

Mr Slim may be a guest in our church today but he knows the true meaning of the word catholic, it means universal as you all know. So John was perfect for his casino a universal welcome to the entire universe of people of people. But it did not stop there, John’s talents were spotted by Mr Slim, so John was placed in his new hotels, just as a humble cleaner, with eyes like a hawk. 

Whoever met John were always happy to meet him and his collection of photographs of his 7 children, it was a warm welcome, a home from home. Real friendships emerged, as witnessed by the collection of models crying over the  his coffin. Was John a beau, no he was not, despite his 7 children? He had a heart of gold and this is what attracted the models to him. That and the fact that he access to a chocolate machine 24/7 this was John Doe’s real power, the power of chocolate.

Now on occasion a disgruntled employee would belittle John and state that he was just a glorified cleaner, a nothing, a nobody, a piece of manure.  Let us just say that employee was offered a choice, 6 months cleaning rooms, or the door. He chose cleaning rooms, and afterwards there were no recriminations, he’s here at the back of the church, I won’t name him, but he’s wearing the 2^nd best suit in the church, after Mr Slim’s. In fact he climbed the ladder after doing his penance and is very high up Mr Slim’s organisation, I nearly said bum, but he’s no brown nose. It’s good to laugh at a funeral. My point is though that because of John he is now ½ the man that John was.

John loved talking to everybody, it was fun and a break from all the cleaning, he would introduce people to each other, and three of the models met their husbands because of him. He introduced them to nice men, not just rich boys, but nice boys. And it’s their Rolls Royces that are parked behind Mr Slims. I think I’ll close the church and become a used car salesman, a used Rolls Royce salesman. Faith, I think I’m funny today, but you have got to laugh at a funeral or you’d cry.

Now having 7 children is hard with only one wage, but I can reveal Mr Slim just gave John his personal Costco card, and the use of a minibus for his family. As Mr Slim knows Loyalty should always be rewarded, and what is a bit of food after all. John of course repaid his kindness, and as we all know kindness has his own reward. So three of John’s children  now work for Mr Slim. They did of course spend their gap year as cleaners for him, then they went to Cambridge, Oxford and LSE. Now they are senior management for Mr Slim.  Family is the most important thing after all.

Well you must all be getting hungry, so I’ll finish now, John’s last words to me were that he was glad to be fertilizer though he didn’t use the word fertilizer, he said without muck nothing grows, and where there is muck there is money.

So Pax Vobiscum John Doe, and I’m glad I put those nails in the road, or Mr Slim’s car would never have a puncture, sometimes you just have to help God along.