I’m glad to be fertilizer ©
By Michael Casey
At a funeral the mourners are all gathered there, the
family, the friends plus a few of the local
alcoholics who came in search of free food. Also squeezed in at the back
a few men in suits with what appeared to be bodyguards, in shades with ponytails.
What was also noticeable were the flowers, 100s of flowers. There were also
what appeared to be models, 10 or more of them. What were such people doing at
a funeral for a humble man, a nothing if you like.
The priest rose to read the oration, which is a new thing at
Catholic funerals. John Doe was simple man, some may say he was a nothing, he
had his faults as we all do, but he had many friends as witnessed by you all
being here. When John lost his job he had no hope, no future, just a young family
to feed. He came to me and asked did I know anybody who could help him, he had despair
in his eyes. I told him all I could do was pray, so I gave him a Padre Pio
prayer card and he put it in his pocket.
The next day, the very next day Mr Slim at the back of the
church there, his car had a puncture and on impulse he came inside Saint Jude’s.
So I welcomed him, and Mr Slim said he was Jewish, so I told him my only joke I
knew. Aren’t Catholics Jews who have gone wrong? Mr Slim laughed and I asked did
he know of anywhere that could do with a good honest man as a worker, just like
Saint Joseph. So that’s how John, John Doe got
his chance, because of the puncture in the tyre of the Rolls Royce.
John spent 30 years working for Mr Slim, he was a cleaner, a
spare set of eyes in the foyer of his casino, but he was much more than that He
was the welcome mat. He may have been overlooked by some, but if you don’t wipe
your shoes you soon have a house full of muck. John also knew how to make
people welcome, to make them smile while they were waiting for friends to catch
up. How do you describe a smile? It’s something that that makes you warm. Mr
Slim knows that and that is why at his hotels and other businesses he tells the
staff a smile is the most important part of the business.
John Doe and Mr Slim became friends, you have to treat the
humblest of your workers as well as you treat your own mum and dad. Mr Slim had
an idea, every new worker had to shadow John, so they spent 2 days cleaning
toilets and floors. Then Mr Slim would have a quiet word with John, if you like
it was part of the interview process. John a nothing a nobody was in fact a
gatekeeper, rather like Saint Peter who John will be meeting presently after
his funeral is over.
Mr Slim may be a guest in our church today but he knows the
true meaning of the word catholic, it means universal as you all know. So John
was perfect for his casino a universal welcome to the entire universe of people
of people. But it did not stop there, John’s talents were spotted by Mr Slim,
so John was placed in his new hotels, just as a humble cleaner, with eyes like
a hawk.
Whoever met John were always happy to meet him and his collection of
photographs of his 7 children, it was a warm welcome, a home from home. Real friendships
emerged, as witnessed by the collection of models crying over the his coffin. Was John a beau, no he was not,
despite his 7 children? He had a heart of gold and this is what attracted the
models to him. That and the fact that he access to a chocolate machine 24/7
this was John Doe’s real power, the power of chocolate.
Now on occasion a disgruntled employee would belittle John
and state that he was just a glorified cleaner, a nothing, a nobody, a piece of
manure. Let us just say that employee
was offered a choice, 6 months cleaning rooms, or the door. He chose cleaning
rooms, and afterwards there were no recriminations, he’s here at the back of
the church, I won’t name him, but he’s wearing the 2nd best suit in
the church, after Mr Slim’s. In fact he climbed the ladder after doing his
penance and is very high up Mr Slim’s organisation, I nearly said bum, but he’s
no brown nose. It’s good to laugh at a funeral. My point is though that because
of John he is now ½ the man that John was.
John loved talking to everybody, it was fun and a break from
all the cleaning, he would introduce people to each other, and three of the
models met their husbands because of him. He introduced them to nice men, not just
rich boys, but nice boys. And it’s their Rolls Royces that are parked behind Mr
Slims. I think I’ll close the church and become a used car salesman, a used
Rolls Royce salesman. Faith, I think I’m funny today, but you have got to laugh
at a funeral or you’d cry.
Now having 7 children is hard with only one wage, but I can
reveal Mr Slim just gave John his personal Costco card, and the use of a
minibus for his family. As Mr Slim knows Loyalty should always be rewarded, and
what is a bit of food after all. John of course repaid his kindness, and as we
all know kindness has his own reward. So three of John’s children now work for Mr Slim. They did of course spend
their gap year as cleaners for him, then they went to Cambridge, Oxford and LSE.
Now they are senior management for Mr Slim.
Family is the most important thing after all.
Well you must all be getting hungry, so I’ll finish now,
John’s last words to me were that he was glad to be fertilizer though he didn’t
use the word fertilizer, he said without muck nothing grows, and where there is
muck there is money.
So Pax Vobiscum John Doe, and I’m glad I put those nails in
the road, or Mr Slim’s car would never have a puncture, sometimes you just have
to help God along.
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