Being a Slob ©
By Michael Casey
I am of course not a slob, though today you may have
thought otherwise, due to the state of my beard and hair, and the fact that I
was wearing women’s size 20 pyjamas, a nice blue pair with pink and green
flowers everywhere. There was a sale in
one of the shops so I bought some. I did spend
decades in the nude, but marriage and having daughters means you have to
wear at least a dressing gown around the house. I revert to being as nature
intended in the privacy of my own bedroom. The only suit I wear there is my
birthday suit, I must remember to put some new curtains up or the neighbours
will be frightened once more. I do resemble a saddleback gorilla, now that all
my body hair has grown back after my surgery shave prior to my quadruple heart
bypass.
Now where was I, yes slobbing around the house, a lazy
Sunday after a pained night, sorry to bore you all but pain is part of my life
so I mention it. So there I am eating my brown bloomer toast, though I am not wearing
bloomers myself, just women’s PJs, not the underwear, just so you know, I am
not Eddie Izzard you know, and why should I dress like him since we broke up as
friends. I have an eye out for Totoro our cat she will steal anything and make
a break for the fridge if you leave it open more than a nanosecond. The fact
that we have a 6months supply of Whiskas under the kitchen table is irrelevant,
she is a big game hunter and loves to hunt, our breakfast. She used to steal the bread and bring it
upstairs to eat, so now you know.
I used to drink coffee, weak instant coffee for 50years
then I gave it up for maybe 3 years, to help my health, now about a jar ago, I
restarted my coffee drinking, as I want something nice in my life, but I am
strict and only have 3 weak mugs a day. I keep a written record on the
microwave along with a note about the other pills I take, especially pain
killers cos they can kill if you are not careful. So there I am in the kitchen
in my floral pyjamas, with my small man boobs, caused by pain killers, looking
like Les Dawson after a night out with Roy Barraclough down the Legion after
their drag act, with my pussy Totoro
trying to steal my chicken, which sounds like a metaphor but is not.
I finish my breakfast and head for the bathroom and am
nearly finished my business when the doorbell rings. I dash to answer as it be
important, I don’t even have time to
wash my hands. An over eager preacher is at the door, it is a Sunday after all,
he takes my hands and shakes them profusely. He tells me he is spreading the
good news, he doesn’t notice my women’s pyjamas at all, I’m told I look a look like my mother, silver
hair included, but mom never had 3 days of stubble, or any in fact. I thank him
for sharing the good news and as I close, ok, ½ slam the door I wonder what I
have spread from my fingers.
I wash my hands thoroughly and then head for the
computer and the Daily Telegraph, it is my paper of choice, and if I switch
browsers it is always free. Totoro comes and jumpers on the computer chair and
then my lap, she wants a cuddle and a stroke. Either that or she loves the
Cartoons and Corbyn coverage in the DT, maybe she’ll become a journalist when
she is bigger, or just the chicken expert in the Lifestyle section.
So I spend happy hours while the kids are at church
singing in the choir, my own church is around the corner, but wherever there is
prayer I am amongst you said somebody far greater than me. Tea and dilute
blackcurrant from Aldi keeps me going during the day, and going is what I do
too, it’s nice just to have a lazy day and watch Sky and BBC on the computer
too, not forgetting bit of Spotify, I pass by my sites to see who has been
reading my stuff. It’s nice to know that somebody is reading my words, maybe
they’ll finally buy my 10 books on Amazon too. And here is the link below.
When your daughter tells you that you look like a
tramp, or worse, and children do say worse things to dads, then you have to
rise from your computer chair and head for the bathroom to shave. And why is
the water so dirty after 3 days of not shaving, I’ll never allow my girls to
date anybody with a beard. Why Corbyn
has a harem following him everywhere I do not know, not unless he wears women’s
PJs at home like me that would make him irresistible.
Once shaved I am sent out to Aldi before it closes on a
Sunday, chocolate must be bought for my girls, I have to finish my daily walk
too, so I kill two birds with one stone. Once home I can return to my slob
clothes, to my women’s PJ with the flowers on, though I don’t always wear those
PJs. Do I have men’s PJs? A pair somewhere, but I do have 2 other pairs of
women’s PJs, there was a sale on you see, and men’s designs are so boring, I
always like to surprise the postman too, Pop it in Pete is a Nudist, he used to
deliver for Larry, Larry Grayson.
No comments:
Post a Comment