Daddy can we go to the Seaside

Daddy can we go to the Seaside? ©

By Michael Casey

Dad can we go to the beach? Please dad we just have to go to the seaside, we’ve never had a ride on a donkey nor had candy floss stuck to our hair, nor had hotdogs with sand in them. Dad we just HAVE to go to the seaside, PLEASE DAD.

You got a cat haven’t you? What more do you want? I nearly died for that cat.

No you didn’t you were just being sarcastic, and then you had the quadruple heart bypass by coincidence, then you felt guilty about saying we could have a cat if you had a heart attack.

More like you put a gun against my head and I had to give in, and it was a coincidence that your friend had kittens. I asked for a Tom so we wouldn’t have more kittens, and what did we get? We got Totoro who turned out to be a she cat, with six nipples. So now I live with 4 girls. I’ll have to start wearing a dress next.

But can we go to the beach?

You would not like it. Here look out the front window, can you see Mrs Candy Floss Head, the lady whose hair is in such a state, she walks past our house every morning, see it really does look like a candy floss stuck to her head, why would you want to go to the seaside just for that.

But what about hot dogs, stay there I bought some from Aldi I’ll have them ready in 5 mins, just scatter cushions on the floor we can pretend we are at the seaside.

See are my hot dogs great? You want ketchup, why do you always spoil your food with ketchup, and you waste it, leaving it all on the plate. Did I tell you granddad had 6 hamburgers one after another when we were at Rhyl seaside in the 1960s.

Yea but at least YOU were at the seaside.

You  were at the seaside, you went to the new beach they built in Shanghai when you were visiting grannie a few years ago.

That doesn’t count it wasn’t a real English seaside. Besides they have sharks in Shanghai, they don’t have sharks, real sharks  at English beaches. You are just breaking our Human Rights by not taking us to a beach.

Listen I promise to take you to a beach, before I die.

You’d die just top spite us.

But as I said before the quadruple heart bypass, if I die you can have a dog. You’d be so happy to have a dog, you could call it Michael after me.

We’d call it Fart, that would remind us of you, Fart the dog has a good ring to it.

Now do you want drinks? Hot chocolate in the morning, why wait till bedtime.

You want to make sand castles. Well that would ruin the carpet, but next door are building an extension so we could sneak into his garden and play in the sand. Really, yes really. But put a hat on and sunglasses so his cctv can’t recognise you.

He’s probably moved to South America and he’s buried his wife under the patio, we only saw him  in the taxi when he went away. So you don’t want to play in his sand?

Of course we do its more exciting, imagine finding a body half buried in the sand. Does that mean you both want to work for an undertakers, or more likely you want to be CSI, anything gory, you are a horror story writer after all and big sister wants to be a doctor, and loves doing makeup, so she could be a mortician. That’ll look good on your passport.

I’ll tidy up while you go digging, you could become archaeologists I suppose, the next Howard Carter.

Did you have fun, no, because you found no body, just a dead rat. I hope you didn’t bring the rat into the house. You nearly did but it might make Totoro sick, so what did you do with the rat? You put it in  number 59’s treehouse, you really hate that boy so it might give him a scare. You are really evil sometimes I don’t know where you get it from. Don’t look at me like that. I only burnt my brother with a red hot poker once. That’s why he always peed in pop bottles thereafter cos he knew I always drunk the dregs before returning the bottles for the penny deposit so I could buy chews.

You want to go on the rides at the seaside fair. I thought of that already so put cushions on the floor, go upstairs for all the pillows too. Now what? Close your eyes. Then I spin them round and around until they are totally dizzy and I push them to the floor. On the hifi I play Monkees very very loudly, to imitate the atmosphere. I do this for half an hour until the girls feel sick.

I grab them just in time and hold them over the garden wall, they puke all over out other neighbour’s front wall. We don’t like her as she is stuck up and never speaks to us. Though if she finds out whose puke it is she might have a lot to say to us.

Have you enjoyed your day at the seaside I ask? You want a souvenir? I point to the camera in the corner of the room, I have filmed everything. We all have a strong coffee with some nice biscuits which I stole from mum’s stash of biscuits. If she asks we’ll say Totoro ate them, she is  a naughty cat who can and will open cupboards.

WE laugh at everything. See their 1^st and best ever visit to the seaside, what the neighbours will say I don’t know. We won’t be here as we are moving house, I’ve bought a new house right by the seaside at Cromane Lower Kerry Ireland. Nite nite everybody, it’s all in the writer’s imagination.