As smart as I get

Tinnitus and Phlegm Solicitors

Tinnitus and Phlegm Solicitors ©

By

Michael Casey

Tinnitus and Phlegm were Solicitors in London, their office was 25 paces away from Morley and Scrooge, though Morley and Scrooge were nothing compared to them, they were just money lenders, but Tinnitus and Phlegm were Solicitors, they had even studied at Oxford. Tinnitus wore a tall tall hat and strode with his very long legs, so he knew that the common money lenders were exactly 25 paces away, or 40 for short people. Tinnitus was tall, so tall that the French fishmonger called him deux metres, but only behind his back, or Tinnitus would strike his back with his silver topped cane.

Phlegm, was fat and round, very round, the French fishmonger called Phlegm grosse deux metre, 2 fois 2 egale 4, so if the 2 were together then then fish monger called them les deux quatre metres.  They were a strange pair, but they liked his fish, so they were good customers. Fish is for brains was what the pair of solicitors always used to say as they carried their fish away, inside of an old piece of newspaper no doubt with a new Charles Dickens story printed on it.

The fish was cooked and eaten with a smack of the lips, the cat called Dickens ate the head as a reward for keeping the rats away. London was full of rats after all, it was 1843 and the Thames was full of boats and rats.

Now Tinnitus had wanted to be a sailor but his family were Solicitors so a solicitor was he, no sea for him. He did watch the cannon being fired, he stood close so he could smell the smoke. Only he stood too close and as well as the smoke a cannon misfired and nearly killed him, it was supposed to be seaman’s drill but it nearly killed him. And now Tinnitus had forever the noise in his ears, the sound of and explosion followed by a whoosh as a cannon ball just missed his head. The doctor could not mend his ears, but as the Dr, a Dr Watson was a family friend he decided to name the condition after Tinnitus. And that is how Tinnitus came into the language. Dr Watson explained it to Charles Dickens his dear friend when they were down the pub drinking ale, Sherlock the barman thought it was a great tale too, before being told to know his place and get another round in.

Phlegm really was called Phlegm, the family had come to England from the Low Countries several generations ago. Phlegm could not get used to the London smog by the river, what with the tanners and the fish smoking, so his weak chest meant he forever had phlegm and was always spitting it up into the spittoon by his desk. Though Tinnitus and Phlegm never had need to buy glue, they just used the bucket of phlegm to stick postage stamps on, or to stick posters on walls advertising their Solicitors services. They were ahead of their time as far as recycling was concerned, Waste not Want not.

One of their best customers was a Mr Pickwick, he was so very rich, he had folding money, so much folding money, coins were for criminals he often joked. Mr Pickwick was a Paper man, though he could be a Tiger the ladies said. In fact Mr Pickwick owned high class Whore Houses, his first was called the Nevada club, because he had travelled the world and liked Nevada so much. He was forever buying houses, the kind only whores and the poor would live in, but he had to squirrel his money away someplace. And Slum dwellings brought in a steady income, though he did buy a fancy house for himself, off Sloan Square, and other places for his high-class whore business. The Rich and Gentry could not be expected to visit bad areas after all, their whoring must be done in high class areas, they had their reputations to keep after all.

So, Mr Pickwick visited Tinnitus and Phlegm so they could handle all his paper work, and even more eagerly handle his large white paper five-pound notes. Then with Tinnitus saying it’s just 25 paces away Mr Pickwick would go to Morley and Scrooge to get them to arrange the rental of his slums, a perfect business operation. Sally one of the local whores used to bump into Mr Pickwick, but he’d just bowl her over, she was no lady. He only had Fallen Ladies work in his high class whore house, because they could talk proper, and were good in the bedroom department too. So Sally was bowled over into the mud, and horse pooh, she nearly was killed one day, but Bill Sykes saved her, but that’s another story or two.

London in the 1840s was a different place than it is today, but for Tinnitus and Phlegm it was good very good even, they even got invited to Nevada, Solicitors finding nirvana in Nevada, a high class whore house. Obviously, Morley and Scrooge were never invited, they were just money lenders and lower class people, not high class solicitors, so no invites for them. Tinnitus and Phlegm enjoyed life and all of Mr Pickwick’s business, so much so that on occasion they would offer a drink to keep the cold out. It was French cognac, the fishmonger had a bottle and Tinnitus enquired what it was, so when he tasted it he enticed the fishmonger to get him a few bottles. Hence French cognac for Mr Pickwick.

And it was because of the cognac and Dickens the cat that Mr Pickwick died. You see he had a drop too much as it was such a cold day, that he slipped on a stray fish head that Dickens the cat had left lying about, he banged his head on the cast iron stove and that was that. It would have been ruin for Tinnitus and Phlegm, so they had to think who to blame for the sudden death, and Dickens the cat couldn’t tell a tale, and take the blame.

They thought long and hard then they remember Jacques the fishmonger and Jill his wife. He’d said they were going back to France forever to look after his mother in Yvetot, so an idea was hatched. Mr Pickwick was stripped and placed in a trunk, with a few fish heads too. Then the trunk was taken to Jacques’ fishing boat, Tinnitus said he always wanted to be a sailor, and it was the truth. But now everything he had saved for being a sailor, books and so forth he was going to symbolically throw away at sea. Jacques thought he really was a stupid Englishman, they really were A Nation of Shopkeepers, or butcher baker undertaker. But for a gold sovereign he’d let him act his play out, who did he think he was Shakespeare, to be Candide. So, Jacques let Tinnitus throw the trunk overboard into the English Channel, all the time he hid his face up his sleeve, or la Manche as the French say, the fish in the trunk stunk after all.  

Tinnitus had got away with murder, or accidental death due to slipping on a cat’s fish head. When he got back to the office, Tinnitus used his left hand to forge Mr Pickwick’s signature. He inherited everything. Thus Tinnitus became a big noise in the entertainment business, the British are Phlegmatic after all.

Kenya, Togo, New Zealand, Egypt and Korea

Kenya, Togo, New Zealand, Egypt and Korea on Wordpress and here

are some of the readers these past 24 hours or so

Got up late my Tinnitus has been a right B___+ these past 3 nights

I should flog Tinnitus to death or crucify upside down

I had a stray email invite to a Webinar

So obviously I returned it with my advert

how they can pay me for my services

As if I'd click a link with any stranger I'd never heard of

I'd rather  bla a dobarkooo  which Lenny Bruce tells me is great

but it may make my eyes water

It's all on the chopping board, Lenny was a great chef after all

You can all rush to wikapedia or whatever to find our

or just ring Dustin Hoffman, I'm sure he'd like a chat while in Lockdown

Just send him a dress a to wear, and he's like a Monika

I don't know what that means either, go ask Lenny Bruce

Why is Dustin talking to himself? And it's started to Rain now.

I also stumbled over Tinnitus and Phlegm too, somebody was reading it, 

So, I may actually write down the idea as a story.

Tinnitus means I read all the USA news on the phone while I try to sleep

Trump will be harder to beat now

WHY?

Joe Biden just said no Pardon

So not unless Trump dresses as a Turkey

He's going to jail if he loses the election

Though He'll try and declare martial law first

Or nuke China, or even infected parts of USA

Think the impossible and that's what he'll do

Have a nice day

I'm looking for Space Station or Mars on my readers list next

or is it just Matt Damon again, I think he should be a gay cross dresser in

his next film. Though he was in Liberace and he had a good part in it

Well Michael was smiling for a reason

I am Michael Casey and aren't  you glad you are not

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Michael-Casey/e/B00571G0YC/ref=dp_byline_cont_ebooks_1

Matt Damon in Ireland and Spanish Tapas in Barcelona

Matt Damon in Ireland  and Spanish Tapas bar in Barcelona

last night Spain suddenly feel in love with my site

So who was it?

maybe that Spanish Tapas bar in Barcelona started to read me

after I mentioned them in a piece

They may be regretting what they read overnight

Or they may decide to drown me in the fountain at the top of Las Ramblas

It was there in 1999, or it could have been redeveloped

Matt Damon is enjoyed being Locked  up in Dublin Eire

he says it was a fairy tale

If he reads The Butcher The Baker and The Undertaker

set in Old Forge and Singing Anvil written by a son of a Kerry Blacksmith

then he may have a project to play with when Lockdown ends

a film producer did take a look back in 2013

Since then it's been read all over the world in many languages

via my Wordpress

So Matt have a read it's only 600 pages

Or you could just clean more floors as you scribble equations on walls

I of course am a master toilet cleaner as I worked in a hotel for 3 years

CPNEC Birmingham, and it was one of 10 or my roles

Would I get an Oscar for that?

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Michael-Casey/e/B00571G0YC/ref=dp_byline_cont_ebooks_1 

Michael Casey

p.s. there are also 2000 short stories on my sites, perfect punishment for bad kids, though I don't know your family's ages

Dinner is Served

Dinner is Served ©

By Michael Casey

Everybody is a baker during Lockdown, it’s on the telly or BBC Bitesize, so my girls tried to poison me the other day, and today they are trying again. Euthanize a parent for beginners or what was the name of the Alistair Sim film, where all the relatives are killed off in order to inherit. Go Google then go watch the film, leave your parents alone, don’t be tempted, they don’t have any money anyway.

The other day my small daughter tried her hand at baking, but her efforts were fell flat, because she did not put enough baking power in, or it wasn’t self- raising flour. Or some other excuse, as she and her bigger sister bickered. I just left them to it and retreated to the study, or the front room if I’m not being pretentious. It’s the nice room, the clean room where sticky fingers are not allowed, you’ve seen the photo, though 95% of my photos are from the old house.

Today I decided to try my hand at cooking for them, chicken goujons, straight from a packet, we had to eat them today because the use by date was up. Food choices by use by date, all so very sophisticated, just like in the very best transport cafes. I cooked them to perfection, or till my big daughter said she wanted the oven, so we ate them. We had them with wraps, no not some guy singing and banging on the table tops, but with wraps with a W. We had to finish the wraps as somebody nameless did not wrap the wraps, so the edges were stale or hard. Or just the one I selflessly ate. However, both my daughters proclaimed me a chef, though they could just be lying to humour me, till the small print of the insurance policy comes into force.

I retreated triumphant to the study while big daughter dripped her mix into a baking tray. Which could be a metaphor for what Amicci used to do with his mixers, or was that a different kind of mixers? Then a roar rose up from the kitchen, my big daughter’s cake mix had raised up. She told me as I came into the kitchen looking for a banana, I do eat them not just actually pose with them on my head, it’s in a photo if you search my sites. I couldn’t find any bananas as she had crushed them to make banana cake, she did though leave a trail of banana skins on the kitchen floor. The accidental death bit of the insurance policy had been most revealing. But I left no skid marks, at least with bananas, though Totoro our cat did come racing in and slip and slide like a figure skater. Totoro loved it, she is a Ninja cat after all, I just smiled and wondered had my girls seen The Adams Family Values too often.

I then returned to the kitchen to help small daughter with a new screen protector, managing to get stickers stuck all over me, and finally a cracked screen slapped on my forehead. It’ll protect you dad, no doubt if I did fall over on any stray banana skins. Otherwise her phone was now protected, but what about old dad? The cakes came out of the oven, banana cake was like bananas, though now the raised cakes had lowered. I said sagely they must have opened the oven door too often, to admire their handywork. Let things rise, and don’t touch till the crust is brown. I did watch my own old mum make fairy cake when I was a child after all.  

So, sampling a fairy cake I made my way back to the study. Though I did trip over Totoro our cat spread like a centre fold on the living room rug, exposing her 6 nipples. Luckily, I landed on the settee, or I would not be talking to you right now. Home baking is a very dangerous thing, so be careful out there as they used to say in Hill Street Blues, I wonder can I find that on tv somewhere?

Tracking Down the Trackers

Tracking Down the Trackers

I spotted where people had come from via the net to reach my site

So it was intriguing

That led to one random email

Then i sent another random email

yes, I  have got nothing better to do

My Tinnitus has been real bad the past few nights

5 am or so before i finally got to sleep

I do have a Dr appointment for it again in the Autumn

Though there is no cure

You, won't get anything new today

But have any of you read all 8000 pages

or all 1,600,000 words yet?

Apart from the AI checking me out, see i spotted you spotting me

Could be a song title

What else, yes 2 pairs of girls shoes on our garden wall, so come and get them

It's too far to go to the charity container

I did not get around to recording more stuff but there are 12 hours on my typepad

Then 40 stories I put on the old SoundCloud thing

Still no door opening for me, though somebody messaged to say they

like the White Door story on SoundCloud

if you like Ghosts you can see me stood in the street outside my old house

Google Street View were passing, so my own ghost stands outside

all you need do is type in my old postcode or zip code as you call it in USA

and there I am standing in the street, getting pour wet etc

What else, we will binge watch the end of the Originals tonight

The Shakespeare parallels amuse me

I'll remember my mother that way, gone 24 years now

if a film  ending was bad she'd say "Far Fetched, Like S*** from China"

meaning beyond belief. She's laugh if she'd lived to see where the wife was from.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Michael-Casey/e/B00571G0YC/ref=dp_byline_cont_ebooks_1

Bahamas, Seychelles, Egypt, and more today

Bahamas, Seychelles, Egypt, and more today visited my sites

so thank you all.

My Arab readers have been reading 2 of the translations in Arabic too

So I'm confident IF ever somebody does open that door, my Tsunami of words

would be world famous. I'm happy to stay out of sight.

Not unless Pier Morgan interviewed me while in a sealed glass box  and naked

when the glass box was steamed up, then the interview would be over

I'd of course be in a bar with Political Journalists having a Stella and a Subway

we'd leave Piers in a studio with  his box steaming up

This  will be my answer in the future, the Elizabeth Taylor answer, I'll do it for $1m

which really means I don't want to do it.

If any journalists read this maybe it might amuse you to pass it on

Then Piers can do his fake outrage routine

or just read Chapter 9 M.P. Marriage to a Person, Marriage to a People from  my comic novel

The Butcher The Baker and The Undertaker  which is my take on Politics from 30 years ago

But is still very funny, or maybe Joe Biden needs to read that chapter

The Translations of which are over on my Wordpress and being read in 80 countries world wide

and some days 10 foreign languages are being read on the very same day

Something for Piers to get steamed up about, and yes I know he'd go in the sealed box

enough for today, I've had a lazy day. watched The Man from Uncle again, its so good Guy, I really

enjoyed it. 9/10  > I have so much material  , 8000pages so go have a look.

Mind you if I was stuck in a glass box, I'd lose some weight.