Email is the Devil's Own Work

Email is the Devil’s Own Work ©

By

Michael Casey

Well I hurt myself again, we had a bulk delivery of cat food, 24kilos worth, which is a suitcase weight. I did shift it bit by bit, but post quadruple heart bypass if I lift stuff the next few days I suffer for it. The moral of the story is DO NOT CARRY ANYTHING. One day I will give up.

Which brings me to today’s story, Email is the Devil’s Own Work, if I pause it’s because of the pain, chest, shoulder and head. Now I love email, I’ve been a big fan and user for over 20 years. If I read something I may send off an email of support or love to somebody in the news. I may even send some poetry. And yes I have had some very kind responses.

I have also sent some emails trying to get my foot in the door, but sadly it seems to be a closed shop, so no luck there. But this morning I have readers in Pakistan and South Korea and somebody in USA is reading an Arabic translation of one of my books. So the question is why are they blocking the door with their foot against it? Am I that odious, ok, I’ll have a shower and then come back to you.

An email is a way of saying, HEY I EXIST TOO AND I CAN WRITE BETTER THAN YOU. But again it seems to be a closed shop and everything is so niche orientated. I have to write about snails before I can blog about snail escargot etc. So I like to break the straight jacket by sending an email, and yes it’s more a way of venting. Though I can and do write satire instead and then I watch the viewing figures.

Though some things on SNL do seem tame compared to what used to be in the UK. And no I haven’t seen enough of SNL to make such a sweeping statement, but Americans do laugh at anything and humour does have to be telegraphed for them.

Ok, wipe the budweiser off the screen, I know I’ve hurt your feelings, by the way real men drink Stella Artois. Put that baseball bat down, Cindy bought the tv, it’s not yours to break. Calm down and I’ll give you a twinky. What is a twinky by the way?

Twitter is ping and pong and does cause a stink, and people are too aggressive. It should be banned, if only to quieten Donald Trump. An email is more considered and calm. No doubt he got great grades at composition, hence the lawsuit to protect his grades. I was thinking about Donald in bed, no not in that way, he’s the wrong gender to start with and I don’t like blonds or rather blondes. I was wondered why is he so fixated about his grades, yet he wants everybody else to have full disclosure, apart from him and his taxes or the fact he doesn’t pay any.

Then I thought the only way to beat him at the Election is to have a Black Woman or a Gay Man against him. He wouldn’t know which way to turn. But what has this got to do with email. Well he never answers any of my emails. If he bothered to reply he might not have as many enemas or is enemies. Ok I’m lying he wouldn’t give me the time of day. But what if?

So Donald your tie was too short today, it should reach your knees, or if it were longer you could tie it around your body like those Japanese wrestlers, not that I’m saying you’re FAT.

Dear MIKE,I know you hate being called MIKE, so MIKE it always will be, you are such a loser like that McCain who was not able. See I can make jokes too.How dare you criticise my tie, its real silk, all the way from CHINA.

My mother in law could have got you discount,she makes them in her back bedroom in Shanghai, she can also do your books as she is an accountant.

Does she speak English?

Why?

If she cannot read English then she cannot tell the IRS what the figures relate to.

You can really imagine this, Donald Trump and me having an email pen friendship. He’d be jealous of my hair, so why would he talk to me? A chance to talk to a common man with a perspective outside the USA, I could say I was born in Germany like his dad. Even that is a lie, his dad was born in USA.

Let’s leave Trump with his lies, email is fun, you can connect with friends and family and annoy people and rattle a few cages too. Though people prefer Twitter because they think they are witty, but  all you can do on Twitter is start wars. But who would do that? In the old days Victoria and Albert wrote letters and the rest is History.  

I need to finish now due to the pain, you feel it too? You are so cruel, my writing is not that bad. You should save all your emails because they are the 1^st draft of History. Ok not if the FBI may find out the Truth, but otherwise email is the modern diary, the modern first acts of love, first beginnings of new business, though not love as a business as that is something totally different and then the FBI really would want to see who was serving who.

Thank you to the flash mob

Thank you to the flash mob

for coming to  read my stuff, good numbers for my heart.

maybe you should do that on the Subway or in a Park in USA

Michael Casey the fat silver haired writer in shades from Birmingham the one in England

we will come together and read his stuff aloud.

Or you could just stay at home and make love after watching Star Trek Discovery

I know which one I would do...


p.s. somebody was reading to the very gates of hell, it could have been my last piece ever. I wrote it before I had my unplanned quadruple heart bypass in Jan 2015
I have been to the very gates of hell, and not  totally metaphorically and that's why I write comedy, as an antidote to "suffering" but that's probably not a story I'll ever write. If God spares me till my 99th year then I'll write it or dictate it, that's a promise. Michael Casey 

Getting in the Mood

Getting in the Mood ©

By

Michael Casey

Well Status Quo are playing their hits so I’m in the mood, not for dancing, can somebody show the Nolans the door please. But I’m ready to Rock and Roll, now that I’ve been told I have the Einstein look, you’ve seen the pictures. Am I talking to myself, do try and keep up, or is the noise too much? Hey you in the toga, and you with the guitar can you just shut it, I’m taking to my audience. I just spotted a piece in the Guardian about writers so that’s why you are getting today’s piece. Piece of what, you can judge for yourself. I also spotted they Crowdfund writers. So Unbound I have 17 ready to be inflicted on an audience. Though Bezo or Murdoch would be much better. But I’ll take any push I can get.

I do read other newspapers just in case you think I wear an oversized jumper and drink Latte, and follow “issues”. No jumper would ever be oversized on me, not unless you stole it from a Walrus, my boss had a moustache like a walrus, I was so afraid of him, 40 years ago. He was a hooker, but that’s enough of his private life, and just in case you think I am maligning him, he used to hang out and swing between 2 really big guys holding them tight for dear life. A hooker is a Rugby term by the way, and what they do in that city is none of your business.

Where was I? Explaining what it said about Writers.I’m a writer too, I’ve done a million you know, which is the writing equivalent of the mile high club. Which as you know is something to do with mountain climbing, or crampons or something to do with lots of ropes, very long and worn tight over your shoulder. What they do at fashion school I just do not understand. At least Writers explain things simply and shed light wherever they go, like a drunken lamplighter with a candle on the end of his stick. Which sounds disgusting, I’m sure they’ll be a Guardian editorial condemning it, that’s it not IT. What do they know about IT with all their TYPOOOAs ?

So writers have to get in the mood, is that why they are all drunks, or is that just the poets?Then they smoke pot, but are so poor they haven’t got a pot to piss in. And on it goes, is that why they become house painters, it’s such a struggle. Then they grow silly moustaches and have a stick, thinking it gives them power. What was Charlie Chaplin thinking of? He could have made a living as a house painter instead, no but he wanted fame and adulation. Wasn’t there somebody called adulation who looked a bit like Charlie, who knows, nobody studies History. Just the History of Art, or grandma’s pictures for short.

But I was sidetracked again, that’s the bad habit of Writers. Getting side tracked, something always comes up, they should not live next door to a nudist beach. You can’t write with sand between your toes, or in all yours cracks and crevices, nor having to put the pussy out. I just had to put my pussy out just then, Totoro likes to come in and out, she thinks I’m a doorman. Though when I worked at CPNEC hotel I did do that as well as 10 other things.

So I should be locked away, don’t all agree, you drunken lot. Friday evening and you’re on the pop already, meanwhile us writers have to write their piece.So to get away from distractions, you have a shed like Cameron, and then have Writer’s Block, or maybe he just cannot write. I told him he’d make more money telling fortunes from the back of his caravan, he can dress up in his wife’s old clothes, then I remembered he got the Brexit result wrong. Though he is a good whistler so maybe he could join a band as the new Roger Whittaker.

My daughter just came home from school with news of mock exam results, so I’ll have to talk to her. See all these things interrupt and prevent me from writing yet another Masterpiece. 777 was just the number count so that reminds me of 7 brides for 7 brothers and 7 samurai, which could be an idea in itself. Too many ideas is my problem, not Writer’s Block, I’ll leave that for Cameron.

So all in all, this writer, me, moi, I just carry on regardless, I just sit and write, Status Quo noising away trying to out beat the Tinnitus which does sound like a rock band too, Needles and Pins? I was never a Match Stick man, even as a child. I just hope I can entertain, and you realise I really am Ronnie Corbett’s and  Joyce Grenfell’s bastard child, it’s the way I tell them. Or am I just a Gerard Wiley, which sounds like a really painful condition, or is my Tinnitus affecting my hearing? Obviously my writing is never affected, infected maybe…

hope you liked yesterdays piece

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Author: michaelgcasey

I'm Michael Casey from Birmingham England, the fat silver haired writer in shades. Beware of Others with the EXACT SAME NAME, they are not me, and would not want to be me. Not unless they like arthritis,Tinnitus and much more, look for the silly photos, NOT the stereo-typical "I am a writer" photos, which I hate. michaelgcasey is what you should look for and the TRANSLATIONS GALORE here on this site so tell all your friends all over the world, or just in your street. Remember too the click to Translate Button, so all of you everywhere can "suffer" my words. I write HUMOUR, with English Spellings, a relative of Arron's(only joking) https://www.amazon.co.uk/Michael-Casey/e/B00571G0YC for my 17 books you can email, email michaelgcasey@hotmail.com BUT WITH a good subject line and rubbish will be deleted unread, with due respect. I'm Michael Casey or just look for michaelgcasey, all one word. or just look for my face, fat and silver haired usually wearing shades so check both till you find all 17 books 1.The Butcher The Baker and The Undertaker 2.Shoplife 3.Essays and Plays 4.Blogs 2011 5.300 and Not OUT 6.Shorts 2013 7.More Shorts 2014 8.Quick Stories 9.Still Alive 2015 10.Undiscovered Words 2016 11.Still Smiling 2017 12.Altogether Now 13.New Horizons 14.14 Up 15.15 Down 16.Sweet Sixteen 17. 17 Again https://www.amazon.co.uk/Michael-Casey/e/B00571G0YC to buy ebooks THERE ARE OTHERS OF THE SAME NAME who are not me, SO LOOK FOR THE SILLY PHOTOS I did get 21,000 Polish readers just by word of mouth on my Site, for a Translation of the finale of The Butcher The Baker and The Undertaker in just 3 weeks In Search of An Indian Princess is what I called the finale. And a low budget film producer did take a look, so Spielberg how about you finally running with that ball. I called it In Search of an Indian Princess, the Polish Translation got 21,000 views in a few weeks. I even had a low budget film producer have a look at it a few years ago. So Spielberg it's still available and so am I. My books on Amazon are a Shop Window until a fancy PUBLISHER or anybody else picks me up, though I am very heavy, so don't hurt yourself I started writing a long time ago. 1987 to be exact. It took me a year to learn how to write. I spent 20 years listening to BBC Radio 4 BEFORE I picked up a pen, this is quality speech radio,not shock jock rubbish. I used to read by the yard too. I hope I write for ears if that doesn't sound too pretentious. So that's 50 years in love with Words, yes my birth certificate is so old, not me. I feel 20 in my head, though on pain days I feel 95. Don't get Arthritis ++++ nor skeletal muscular pain after a quadruple heart bypass, nor Tinnitus since 2018, apart from that, I'm such a hunk, well to old ladies of 95. And yes I like soft toilet paper too, or is that too much information? 2018 was the 30th Anniversary since The Butcher The Baker and The Undertaker was born, in the living room behind me as I huddled the gas fire. My Face is on all the books so you know who to blame, I am not the Monk or anybody else THERE ARE OTHERS OF THE SAME NAME, SO LOOK FOR THE SILLY PHOTOS of me www.michaelgcasey.typepad.com to HEAR my words, 200+ stories, 12hours worth in Posh Birmingham STOP PRESS, for those of you who wished I'd stop writing, well it nearly happened. I had an Unplanned Triple Heart Bypass in Jan 2015, and I didn't even know I had heart problems. 6 months later I learnt I had 4 grafts, so is that a Quadruple? Anyways Thanks to Birmingham's City Hospital and our Queen Elizabeth hospital I am still here with you. Though I'm still getting pain as it takes a long time to heal, and just for fun my Arthritis plays up too. And yes I write about pain as well, for without pain in our life we have not experienced all of life. Though I'd love a break from all the pain, as would all of us.It descends randomly like mist, and on occasions I can barely talk with pain. Its 13thMarch2019 now and I've reached about 1,449,000 Words or nearly 4300 pages if you stack it all up. Its taken me 30 years now, I know I only look 25, well in my imagination anyway. I've done 44,000 words of my 18th book so far, about 118 pages. Biography I've been close but no cigar most of my life, such as having a play accepted by a professional theatre back in 1989, the play was Shoplife. They called it Sparkling, very real, great fun. hilarious, we could not stop reading it. This gave me the confidence to ignore all negative nasty not nice neighbours, who used too must alliteration, to be negative about my writing. However Life is not a straight road, its more a long and winding road. I can even remember being at grammar school when Monty Python first came out. And look what happened to them. One of my brothers was actually at the same college and University as John Cleese, Downing Cambridge. Another brother was at the same college and University as Mr Bean, Queens Oxford. I'm name dropping just in case Andrew at the Daily Mail, editor is reading this. As for me I went to work. Our dad by the way was a Blacksmith then sweated for 40 years in a steel works, in Brasshouse Lane Smethwick. Me I was a computer operator back in 1978 on Dec PDP 1170s, 40 years ago,and then a variety of other jobs, I had my working life in reverse. The Butcher The Baker and The Undertaker is a slow burner that really does catch fire, and the best place to be when a book catches fire is, down the pub, The Trader in the book. Hidden in the cellar since WWII is a hoard of whisky, whisky galore you might say. When the street of shops in the book is threatened the shopkeepers can and will resort to anything. Such as a Poet and Undertaker using blackmail. When Patrick finds his one true love, and breaks the bed to prove it what does his priest do? The priest makes him organise a fete for the children's home, now that he has made a baby he has to take responsibility for it, and the children's home fete. The priest too uses a little blackmail, so the local police stop all traffic and detour it so as it passes the children's home 3 times, just in time for the fete. The Butcher The Baker and The Undertaker is a fun book for all the family with an explosive ending. 21,000 POLISH READERS CANNOT BE WRONG. The Translations of The Butcher The Baker and The Undertaker on this site are read all over the world So buy it. Amazon Kindle books can be downloaded to Kindle, PC and Laptop. So you have no excuse, or does the writer have to persuade you? 888888888 https://michaelgcaseyfrombirminghamengland.wordpress.com/ & http://butcherbakerundertaker.blogspot.co.uk/ Now my book of blogs has many funny pieces in it, here's a taster of what you get if you buy the book. 300 and Not OUT, called very funny by one publisher. All I need is a Fairy Godmother and then you can all surf on my 1,458,000 words. And I can pay off the mortgage on the new house, and donate to my daughters as University beckons. As for my own Future? God Alone Knows. Stuffing Tony© By Michael Casey Stuffing Tony, what am I talking about, no not our tame turkey whom we've decided to eat, nor anything else. Tony is in fact a soft toy, he's my small daughter's favourite, the one she loves the most. He's a white tiger, he was in fact he was her sister's Birthday tiger from a few years ago, but she cried until she owned him. Tony is a very washed out bleached kind of tiger. Tony has been through the washing machine a couple of times, he was very very dizzy when he came out. Yesterday Tony got a brother, his brother is a ginger tiger, now christened Ginger. Ginger makes us laughter because Ginger is how English people call my wife if they cannot pronounce her Chinese name. Tony is one of 40 stuffed toys the girls have, they live up a corner behind the sofa which is just behind me. They are allowed out to form a class when my small daughter plays teacher, afterwards they climb back into their Iceland bags and go to sleep. There is a problem with Tony though, he's lived in the fast lane and lost a lot of weight. So following strict instructions, today I have done a stuffing transplant, which is like a heart transplant but much more important and dangerous. Today without any sedative I have made Loony Chick donate some stuffing to Tony. I took the scissors and make an incision in Loony Chick's behind, I then proceeded to remove the stuffing. I had previously made an incision in Tony's neck at the back, it was then a process of removing from Loony Chick and stuffing Tony. The whole procedure lasted 20mins, Tony now looks very plumped up and proud, as the leader of the pride should look. As for Loony Chick, he, she or should I say it now looks as if he'd had a few dodgy kebabs, very slim, but at least the head still looks plump. When the girls come home from school we'll decide what to do with Loony Chick, should we stuff him with chopped up old clothes, or bubble wrap? Or should he face the death sentence and be sent to a Charity shop, I know it sounds cruel, but since he came back from Shanghai in 2009 he'd mainly been a cushion. These are the very serious things a modern parent has to deal with, luckily I know how to sew, and I have a special relationship with all the toys. Now that Tony is full and looks like a weightlifting Tiger I hope Ginger won't be jealous, otherwise one of them may have to end up in a zoo, or the closest equivalent, in one of the 13 charity shops near our house. https://michaelgcaseyfrombirminghamengland.wordpress.com/ www.michaelgcasey.typepad.com to HEAR me read my stuff http://butcherbakerundertaker.blogspot.co.uk/ are places to read my stuff, comic in the main. I'm NOT on Facebook, you can only find me on my sites. Though you can tell all your FB friends about me or email michaelgcasey@hotmail.com in English only, I delete many Junk emails daily, unopened I would love a spot in a newspaper or magazine, print or online, alongside the fish and chips. I'm honest enough to say I'm as good as the stuff you read online or in newspapers, and yes I've known this for years, 30 years, if I flash/expose my ability for a second. Ok, I've put my quill away in the inkwell. I would love a spot on the radio too, 90 seconds with Michael, could be expanded to an hour. where I'd read a blog out on the radio every day. I have 2000+ inc repeats. So if you agree with me that it would be a great feature do get in touch I HAVE RECORDED 200 PLUS STORIES ABOUT 12 HOURS WORTH SO FAR. PERFECT FOR RADIO SO DO GET IN TOUCH or just listen www.michaelgcasey.typepad.com I also think a book of my stories with facing page translation plus my audio attached would be a great way to teach English via humour to foreigners I have enough material for a series of books. And yes I was an ESOL teacher for a year too, in an Islamic school, I was called excellent, excellent and exemplary by the external assessor, and yes I'd never actually taught before I stood up and tried it. I had spent 3 years as a concierge ++++ so I knew I could do it, as it's just talking. And I had all the writing experience too, and by the way the wife is from Shanghai. So Angel investors get in touch My shorts/blogs are a coffee and a biscuit long, I have 12 hours worth recorded already. www.michaelgcasey.typepad.com My 17 books can be bought here on Amazon Kindle, https://www.amazon.co.uk/Michael-Casey/e/B00571G0YC/ref=ntt_dp_epwbk_0 1.The Butcher The Baker and The Undertaker 2.Shoplife 3.Essays and Plays 4.Blogs 2011 5.300 and Not OUT 6.Shorts 2013 7.More Shorts 2014 8.Quick Stories 9.Still Alive 2015 10.Undiscovered Words 2016 11.Still Smiling 2017 12.Altogether Now 13.New Horizons 14.14 Up 15.15 Down 16.Sweet Sixteen 17. 17 Again DON'T FORGET KINDLE BOOKS CAN BE LOADED TO PC AND LAPTOP NOT JUST KINDLE. And, there's more, I have readers all over the world, 60 plus countries, so my humour does travel..... Even if I don't, pain attacks for want of a better word, can come suddenly, so I doubt if I'll ever have another holiday, a screamer wouldn't go well on an airline. Let There Be Light © By Michael Casey Let my tears be my words Let the candle light be my eyes Let the flowers in bloom be my lips Let their scent be my blood Let the wind be my breath Let clouds be my mood Let children’s laughter be my hope Let widows’ sighs be my conscience Let a stranger’s prayers be my delight Let the bees be my wisdom Let the trees be my strength Let my patience reach to the stars Let me be always remembered in your prayers new for 2019 a brand new poem Let My Heart Sing© By Michael Casey Let my heart sing Let my smile shine Let my laughter ring Let my joy spread Let my light fill my life Let my words be wise Let my ears never deaf to your needs Let my eyes always see the good Let my shoulders never buckle under any weight Let my feet always bring me back home Let my fingers never need to be crossed Let there always be one thing to be remembered by Love and Charity for Others, my sisters and brothers So when I am dust, remember me for what I tried to be A singer singing a song even though I always sung badly, Because in my heart I was Singing as we all should in Harmony. &&&&&&&&&&&&&&& and that's your lot, go and buy my books on Amazon now. Though I don't expect such miracles, as "the Internet is Free" and nobody wants to pay me.... I'll go away and cry now.....

hope you liked yesterday’s piece

hope you liked yesterday’s piece.
my back was playing up for 3 days
and so it was nice to do a new piece
I never know what I’ll write
I just hope it amuses
Shades of Tom Sharpe I’d say, Wilt, Porterhouse Blue and all that style
My PhD friend introduced  me to him 30 years ago, there were even tv shows.
My computer takes 20 mins to boot fully now so it is on its way out
I have backed off my stuff ready for it to die.
I spotted SAR China reading me today, so feel free to send me a fast desktop to replace
the one which is about to die. The computers are all made in China after all.
I won’t hold my breath but all donations gratefully received, there are many many
rich people in China after all. You could even adopt me, now there’s an offer.
Stay Happy, and love what you an do. In my case writing stories, it is all I can do,
nobody wants me as a hunk. Is it the colour of my hair, I’ll never know.
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