Lech The Altar Boy and The Ghost

Lech The Altar Boy and The Ghost ©

By Michael Casey

Lech was an altar boy in Cracow, this writer was an altar boy too but that was in Birmingham in the 1960s and 1970s, they do have one thing in common and that was Ghosts. Lech was big and strong and he’d punch anybody who said serving Mass was for mothers’ boys, he had a Faith as strong as he was. And besides he liked dressing up and carrying candles, it was fun and was very theatrical, especially the orb thing that you put charcoal in and the priest adds incense to, they you get to shake it all about. It was a kind of very smelly high, smoke everywhere.

Lech was always the last boy to finish after the Mass or Benediction or the Funeral or whatever it was, because Fr. Thomas also shared a cigarette with him when nobody was looking. Fr. Thomas had been in the Missions and had come home to Cracow to die, he had picked up a few diseases while abroad and as Cracow had a good hospital the Bishop brought him home to serve in a small church so Fr. Thomas could be close to a hospital. The Bishop also happened to be Fr. Thomas’s friend from 50 years before when they were at school together. Fr. Thomas had beaten a bully, in fact he had knocked seven shades of, well you know the next word, so no need to say it. So Fr. Thomas had saved the future Bishop and that’s why they became friends.

Lech reminded Fr. Thomas of himself, a big strong lad who was afraid of nothing, so that’s why they shared a cigarette when both should not. Fr. Thomas knew Lech would never be a priest, he’d be a father sure, but not a Fr. more like a father of 10. Lech was a magnet for girls, girls of all ages, 16 to 160 years old, they all thought he was so pretty, he’d tempt anybody even some of the statues of the saints scattered around the church.   

It was just after Lech and Fr. Thomas had finished their cigarette one Thursday evening that Fr. Thomas collapsed, Lech caught him in his arms and saw the life slip away from him. Fr. Thomas gasped for breath but as he was dying he said “if I was a father a real father, you would have been the perfect son for me, just promise me you’ll give up smoking” Lech promised he’d give up the cigarettes and Fr. Thomas died with a smile on his lips. Fr. Thomas had died a “father”, with a son called Lech who was as big as and as strong as an Ox.

Fr. Thomas’s funeral stopped Cracow, everybody came , priests galore, and everybody had a good time, Lech was the chief altar boy and he was given the honour of reading the passage from the Bible about Lazarus being raised from the dead and Jesus cried for his friend.

After the burial all the priests were gathered around chatting, and having a crafty smoke, priest and nurses are devils for a cigarette, but you know that already. Lech was going to join in, but he could hear a voice in his head, promise me you’ll never smoke, it was almost as if Fr. Thomas was standing behind him. He had the cigarette lit in his hand, so instead he stubbed it out and put it in his pocket.

At times of stress or sadness, we may all hear or see voices or shadows, or echoes or reflections, its normal when your mum dies, or when your favourite dog dies, you may hear it bark and so on. In Lech’s case whenever he reached for a cigarette he could hear Fr. Thomas’s voice, he could hear him asking him to promise not to smoke.

Once he looked up from the cigarette in his hand and he thought he could see Fr. Thomas’s, reflection in the presbytery’s kitchen window, he spun around only nobody was there. If it was cannabis he could have explained it, but since Fr. Thomas’s death he had kept his promise not to smoke, he had always heard Fr. Thomas’s voice in his head just as he was about to put any cigarette of any kind to his lips.  

This went on for 2 years, he could light a cigarette but as soon as he was about to put it to his lips the Voice the Advice from a Dead Priest was in his head. Finally he threw his cigarette lighter into the river that ran through Cracow, only as he was so angry at the dead priest he miss-threw it and it hit a girl on the side of her head and she fell in the street.

Karolina was her name and she was a nurse who smoked like the devil, or she did till Lech picked her up from the gutter in the street. She was so angry, yet so beautiful, wouldn’t you be if an oaf, an ox had hit you with a cigarette lighter. Lech took out his dirty snotty handkerchief and held it against her head to stop the bleeding. As he apologised he looked into Karolina’s eyes and she looked into his, what would you do if you were a Polish girl from Cracow and a huge hunk was looking into your eyes. Well tell me, tell me right now, or I’ll stop the story. STOP.

Ok, I stopped the story while I had a drink of water, Girls have you made up YOUR mind, what would you do to Lech? She battered him, but all the time he held his dirty snotty handkerchief to her wound, he had to stop the bleeding after all.  Then she laughed and laughed, then she kissed him more and more. Only a fool would behave in such a fashion taking everything she threw at him, be it blows or kisses but all the time holding a filthy rag at her face to stop the bleeding.

The church was still open so Lech suggested they go back and she could wash her face. He also said she could go to confession to ask for forgiveness for beating him, then they started laughing again. It turned out she was single and that her boyfriend had dumped her when he found out just before getting engaged that she could not have children. Lech was angry and cursed him whoever he was, he even offered to beat the living daylights out of him. Karolina lost her heart to him at that very second.

In church one of the confessionals had a light on so Karolina went inside to have Confession while Lech went to find the first aid kit. Cracow confessions are very quick, to the point and quick. Inside the priest said all you have to do is give up smoking, and then you’ll find a husband. Lech is a nice boy Karolina. I absolve you, and for your penance you must promise never to beat your husband Lech again. Karolina was dumbfounded, how did the priest know all about it.

Lech came back with the first aid kit and tended to Karolina’s wounds, she said you have to go to confession now I’ve just been, so after putting a final plaster on her hear Lech went to Confession. Lech was about to confess when he heard the familiar voice of Fr. Thomas telling him he should marry Karolina, but he should stop throwing cigarette lighters about or he could really hurt somebody. As for having children, Michael Casey the Birmingham writer who translates into Polish, well he asked  Padre Pio for a wife and children, but he left it all up top God. So Lech just leave it all up to God.

Lech left the confessional as white as a sheet, as if he had seen a ghost. He looked at Karolina, I will marry you and we will leave it up to God to see if we have children. Karolina got up from her seat and pointed, Lech spun around and there was Fr. Thomas was walking into the sacristy, he was arm in arm with another Cracow priest, Karol was his name in life.

Lech and Karolina got married as soon has her wound was healed on her head. She only ever had two pregnancies, triplets, three girls, then quads four boys, making 7 children in all. Because when asked in the Bible how many times you should forgive, 7 times? NO 77x 7 times. Karolina forgave him 7 times, and that was enough for both of them.

Michael's Bathroom a true story from 20 years ago before mariage

                  Michael's  Bathroom   ©

                      

                                by

                          Michael  Casey

         Six months previously Michael had decorated his living room, he

had to, the white walls had turned to a nicotine stained yellow in places

such  was the downside of having a South facing living room. Now it  was

 

the turn of the bathroom again. The bathroom was very small, not  even

 

enough room to swing a cat, it was about 7 foot by six foot, which was

 

just big enough for the bath, the sink and the bog. Why did people want

 

big bathrooms anyway? You weren't going to hold dinner parties in there,

 

or  go  jogging, yes Michael was used to and by now satisfied  with  his

 

small  bathroom. However it always seemed to need decorating, he  just

 

needed to open the window more often and let the steam out. Michael just

 

loved to wallow in the bath like a Hippopotamus, he had a radio on  the

 

windowsill  so he could listen to Heart FM while he shaved and bathed  and

 

watched  the spiders. There were spiders galore in his  bathroom, his

 

mother  always said spiders brought money with them, perhaps  snared  in

 

their webs, Michael even looked under the bath behind the panel just  in

 

case  the spiders had indeed brought gold with them, sadly all he  found

 

was yet more spiders and their webs.

        Years ago at work the offices were tarted up, so new carpet  was

 

laid  in  the reception, so Michael had begged for the off  cuts, and

 

persuaded Paul Robinson to give him a lift home with it. Once home though

 

it was late Michael got out some very sharp scissors and laid the carpet in

 

the bathroom, he'd have a posh bathroom now, no more cold lino for him.

Actually  he did make a good job of the carpet fitting, there  was  some

 

left over too. Now the bad thing about ordinary carpet in the bathroom is

 

that it gets manky, firstly because Michael splashed a lot in the bath,

 

his mother had always told him off for splashing in the bath since he  was

 

a child, she was afraid the water would leak though the ceiling into the

 

living  room below. He did not have that problem now in his own house,

 

why, because he had a concrete floor. So the carpet got wet, due to the

 

splashing in the bath. Michael was also a bad shot, so he'd occasionally

 

piss  on  the floor, when he came rushing home dying for  a  piss  after

 

having too many shandies. Also if you spill domestos or other bleach  on

 

carpet it changes colour.

         As for the ceiling and walls, they needed cleaning and painting

 

every  now and then because of all the steam and Michael not  opening  the

 

window  often  enough. So Michael would go up the road to Fads  and  buy

 

five litres of white emulsion for a fiver, then scattering newspapers all

 

over the bathroom he'd attack the walls and ceiling. He soon got high and

 

had  a headache with all the paint fumes, even though the window  was

 

wide  open, the  radio  was blaring too, he  always  had  music  on

 

constantly, whether he was painting, eating, washing shaving  or just

 

picking his nose. Michael's painting had more attack than finesse to it,

 

splash it here, splash it there, quantity more than quality, his father

 

had always told him to use a small amount on the brush, a tiny amount,

 

but Michael always overloaded his brush, paint was cheap after all, a

 

tin  of paint only cost the price of a couple of pints and a bag of  chips

 

after all.    

 

         Once finished Michael was splattered in paint, his grey hair now

 

turned white, his painting clothes, now more paint than clothes, his

 

watch  had a white thumb print on it, his underpants had paint on too,

 

for  no  matter  what  he  did  he  was  always  hitching  his  jeans  and

 

consequently he had paint everywhere. Michael stepped back to admire his

handiwork, but being as the bathroom was so small he bumped into the bog

 

and ending up sitting on it.”It'll do” was his usual comment, and it

 

would  have too, he couldn't afford a real decorator. A fiver to do  his

 

bathroom, but a decorator would charge 100 times that and take days, it

 

took Michael an hour and a half tops, he'd finish in time for Star  Trek

 

and that was important, he had his priorities right. So looking at his

 

splattered  watch, Michael gathered up the paint  splattered  newspaper

 

which was protecting his fancy carpet. The only trouble though was  the

 

fact that his shoes were stuck to the newspapers, so Michael had to  sit

 

on the bog and pull the newspaper off his shoes, invariably a spot or two

 

of  paint  stayed on the carpet. So Michael had rub hard  to  clean  the

 

carpet, and  take his shoes off so that he  wouldn't  leave  footprints

 

everywhere. ”Ah it'll do,” repeated Michael as he looked back at  the

 

bathroom from the safety of the kitchen, he'd then strip off and put all

 

his  painting clothes into the washing machine, invariably the light  was

 

fading now, so Michael had the kitchen light on, so his neighbours would

 

be  treated to the dubious  privilege of seeing Michael naked  and  paint

 

spattered standing in his kitchen.

          Star  Trek  was great as usual, Michael  only  recognised  the

 

metaphors  after the show, but he really enjoyed the show, he'd  been

 

watching it for 30 years now, the original and then the follow on shows.

After  his  dinner Michael ventured back into the bathroom, ”Who  needs

 

decorators, the  thieving bastards". Michael was satisfied  with  his

 

handiwork, it'd do till the next time. The next time came, when  the

 

carpet was manky, so Michael threw out the carpet and searched under the

 

bed in the spare room, that’s where he kept the rest of the carpet. As

 

luck  would  have  it there was just enough to cover  the  bathroom  floor

 

again. So once more he got out the dangerous scissors and cut the carpet  to

 

shape, and yes he did do a good job of it, carpet fitting he could do,

 

it was painting he was useless at. Jackson Pollark, the artist who threw

 

paint  at  the canvas would have been impressed by  Michael's  bathroom,

 

anybody else would have said, ”was there an explosion?"

        So time passed and the carpet was manky, so Michael threw it out,

so what would he do next?  He hit upon the brilliant idea of painting the

 

concrete floor. It only took half an hour and then ”hey presto" he had a

 

redecorated bathroom, only he hadn't thought of one thing. What happens

 

when you paint a floor white? It shows all the dirt, and it shows up all

 

the spiders that are not spiders, if you know what I mean. So  Michael

 

improvised, he was good at improvising, 20 years as a computer operator

 

and he'd leant to improvise, if nothing else. So he painted the  floor

 

blue, that colour wouldn't show up spiders that weren't spiders. And he

 

was  right. He had another problem now, because  he'd  used  ordinary

 

emulsion, when it got wet, it came off, so soon the soles of Michael's

 

slippers  went  blue, and soon the blue was spattered with  white, as

 

toothpaste and soap suds stained the blue floor. Michael persevered, he

 

painted the floor blue every couple of weeks or so, blue paint was  more

 

expensive than white, but the one tin enabled him paint it ten times or

 

so. Eventually the walls needed painting again, so Michael thought  he'd

 

try blue on the walls, only it was too dark, he didn't like it, and

 

more to the point he ran out of paint halfway through. So he went up  to

 

Fads again for white, though he was nearly tempted  into buying a  soft

 

coloured paint as it was half price, but after a bit of soul searching he

 

stuck with white, five litres for a fiver.

         Another  problem reared its head, if you try  painting  over  a

 

strong colour, the colour underneath shows through. So on Boxing Day 98

Michael spent the day painting, or smearing as his mother used to call it

 

, he spent the day smearing two coats of white over the blue. And yes it

 

did look dreadful. New Years Eve came and Michael's bathroom was covered

 

in copies of the Telegraph, it was a good read with great coverage, why

 

just one copy was enough to cover all Michael's floor, he'd have to write

 

to  the editor to thank him. So Michael got drunk on New Year's Eve  and

 

ended  up dancing with his friend Dave, Dave being a Helmult  Khol  look

 

alike. Once home with a hangover, Michael realised that in the morning

 

he'd have to give another coat or two to the bathroom. Michael could see

 

the  light  at the end of the tunnel, or rather the bottom of  the  five

 

litre tin of paint, once he finished the tin, the job would be finished

 

whether  it was finished or not, the job would be finished. He'd  had

 

enough, and he had a massive headache due to the paint fumes.

 

       “Finished, at last, thank God,” yelled Michael, yes he

 

had come to the bottom of the tin, so finished or not, it was finished.

So Michael went and watched Star Trek on the satellite. The bathroom took

 

forever to dry as it was Winter and the atmosphere was cold and wet. So

 

it  was  a  couple  of  days before  Michael  could  finish  the  bathroom

 

transformation. He found some old curtains he had in his pantry, he had

 

originally  bought them for the kitchen, but once he got them  home  and

 

tried  hanging them he was annoyed to discover they were too  short, so

 

they  had  ended up in his pantry on a shelf next to his  iron. To  his

 

delight the new curtains were just the right length for his bathroom, and

 

they were nice and bright too. So what to dod next?  Michael pulled the

 

panel out from in front of the bath, as luck would have it he had a spare

 

plastic shower curtain ; so he wrapped the panel in a new shower curtain,

 

a  flowery pattern on it, and it would match the shower curtain he  had

 

already up. Finally as he had to lay the lino, the lino he swopped a new

 

pair of shoes for. His brother had some spare lino, and Michael as usual

 

had  a  spare  pair of shoes in his shoe mountain at  the  bottom  of  his

 

wardrobe. So he got the lino, and his brother got the shoes as a  Xmas

  

present, they  had both laughed as they struck the  deal  during  their

 

regular  weekly   telephone conversation. Their dead mother  would  have

 

approved too, ”look after each other" was her motto. There was one snag

 

though, Michael couldn't find his scissors, so how could he cut the lino?

So  he improvised with the bread knife, a flash of the knife  here, a

 

flash of the knife there, it was hard work, he was soon covered in sweat

 

but after 45 minutes he was finished. So he just had to slip the freshly

 

covered  bath panel back in position. So kicking it back in  position,

 

Michael  had finally transformed his bathroom. Michael stepped  back  to

 

admire his handiwork, accidently knocking the bread knife down the toilet

 

but  he didn't hear the splash, as the radio was blaring out a Nat  King

 

Cole  song ”Let there be Love". Michael looked at his  freshly  painted

 

bathroom, walls and ceiling had been painted, new bright curtains were

 

hanging  down, and the lino was new and bright too, he had even put  a

 

layer of plastic and newspapers underneath to act as insulation, and  he

 

had a little mat too that he could step on when he got out the bath. Yes

 

it  was an utter transformation, the best it had looked in the 12  years

 

he'd  lived there. All this activity had made him really hungry, he'd

 

bought a loaf from the bakery, an old fashioned big tasty loaf, all he

 

had  to do was cut it into big slices, now where had he left  the  bread

 

knife?

                               End