Lech, Boris and Gregorgi's big misadventure ©
By
Michael Casey
The boys got off to a late start, they had left the magazine in the toilet, and they needed the magazine. What am I on about? Well the magazine belonged to Ivan and Ivan had given it to Lech with words of advice. Ivan was a very very old man and magazines was all he had in his life, because he was so very old. Lech was young at the time and as Lech and Boris and Gregorgi carried Ivan home Ivan had said Lech could have his magazine because he knew he’d be dead soon.
The magazine was an old National Geographical one, in French. Lech just put it in his pocket and carried on carrying Ivan home with his 2 cousins. Ivan was right, he was dead soon. Ivan was 97 and the final 15 pints was too much for him. Ivan was found dead in his chair by the fire with a big smile on his lips, 2 days later.Everybody assumed he’d been sleeping off the booze, but when he didn’t feed his dogs people heard the howling and came to see what the trouble was. There was no trouble, Ivan was dead, as stiff as a poker, but with a big smile on his lips.
His funeral was a great occasion with holy relics held in front of his coffin. Lech, Boris and Gregorgi dug the grave themselves as was the custom, you dig your friends and neighbours’ graves. Later in the day Lech looked at the magazine in French, but could not understand as it was not an Eastern language, but he enjoyed the pictures. Round things of all shapes and colours. And what am I talking about? Truffles of course. It was an article on truffles. Lech put the magazine on top of his wardrobe next to his riffle, and promptly forgot all about it.
The snow was deep, and they had nothing planned so they were watching tv together, together with a large supply of alcohol, they were boys from the East after all, not girls from the West. Up popped and item on truffles, they would have dropped their beer glasses but luckily they were drinking from bottles so they did not, it’s a sin to waste good alcohol, ask your mother if you don’t believe me. Lech stuttered, ok he dribbled, so much money for those things. Ivan gave me a magazine with pictures of truffles in before he died years ago. Lech reached up to the top of the wardrobe, only he accidentally pulled the trigger, CLICK. They all ducked instinctively. Lech was from the East so of course there were no bullets in the riffle. He ws not an American after all.
Together they looked at the pictures in the magazine, all the varieties and the price you could get just for small amounts. A small amount was as valuable as gold. As they flicked through the magazine a piece of paper fell out. It was in Ivan’s handwriting, it was a map and a message, we have truffles too, if you can find them. And that was all it took for the lads to think of having an adventure up in the mountains. Lech, Boris and Gregorgi the truffle hunters, not as dynamic as Indiana Jones, but it could make them a bit of money.
Lech needed the toilet, so still clutching the magazine he left the others to throw some things together, they would be going truffle hunting. They climbed into the snow plough and had gone 3 km before they realised they’d left the magazine in the toilet. They needed the magazine to help identify the truffles. So they returned like fools for the magazine before setting off again. They drove 50 km into the mountains before the road ended. Now they would have to walk and climb. It was fun and a nice stretch of the legs, this was no Duke of Edinburgh Gold stroll, this was a nice men of the East walk, they did not have any Irn Bru they had 70% proof vodka.
Looking at the piece of paper they reached spot on the map where the truffles should be. The only problem was that truffles are under the ground. And there was snow too. That did not deter them, they had their knives. So they dug through the snow and started digging for truffles,only stopping for the occasional drop of vodka. Lech’s knife has a history, he won it from Boris in a bet. So Boris was beaten by his dad, Lech’s uncle, the beating was a long one. But Boris bore it and never told his dad how he’d lost his knife.
Gregorgi had bets with other kids as to how long the beating would last, in fact Gregorgi signaled to Boris to be cheeky so the beating would continue. Boris took his queue. Finally beating over, Gregorgi collected all the money and gave it to Boris refusing any commission. So Boris bought an even better knife and in fact he bought two. He gift wrapped one and left it in his dad’s boots. Boris’ dad nearly cried for joy, all he said was you know I love you dearly. Of course dad replied Boris, and if anybody says otherwise I’ll skin them alive with my new knife. Like father like son.
So the boys hacked about for truffles, they even tried to understand what the French writing said. Then luck appeared, a wild boar came running towards them, it started rooting in the earth where the cousins had cleared the snow. Soon the boar had found various truffles, they had to wrestle the boar so it did not eat them. So they fed it bread with 70% vodka soaked into it. A drunken wild boar and 3 Eastern cousins truffle hunting with a National Geographical magazine in French plus a scribbled note from a long dead 97 year old man called Ivan. Of course this happened, this is the East, they don’t do walks in park, well can you all just shut up muttering and let me get on with the story.
The boar fell over dead, probably too much rooting, but by now they had sack full of truffles. They were hungry and it was a pity to waste a boar, so they skinned it and made a fire, they had found some shelter by an outcrop of rocks. It had been a good day trip but now the snow began to fall heavily. Of course they don’t look at the weather forecast on an App, they just go where they want when they want, they were Men of the East. They were thinking could they find more shelter, when they heard a snap and a scream of pain.
A mountain bear had been caught in a trap. The trap had caught it on the neck but had not killed it. They were going to shoot it to put it out of its misery but they remember when they rescued the people in teh old people’s home. So they fed the bear vodka soaked in bread, then together they removed the bear trap. They felt pity for the bear, so Lech took his belt off and tied it around the bear’s neck, the other two followed, 3 strong leather belts tied tight around the bear’s neck to stop the flow of blood. Then they rubbed boar fat from their dinner around the wound to seal it, then wastefully they poured a little vodka around the wound too.
They could hear a noise, they followed the noise to a cave, 3 small bear cubs were inside, this was the mother they had saved. Now what would become of the bears? Gregorgi knew what must be done, so he picked one up and put it in his rucksack, the others followed. Mother bear was unconscious now, she might not make it. Gregorgi took his mobile out and pressed the distress button. He also took out a crumbed picture of an icon from his wallet and put it on the belts. They had done all they could for her, now they must save the babies.
There was an old log below their campfire.They climbed inside and attaching their braces to the log the pushed off. This was Cool Runnings Eastern style, down the side of a mountain. Now 3 Eastern men in a log, was no gentle English story about a men in a boat. This was 3 growling bears in ruck sacks racing down a mountainside, with 3 Eastern men for company. Now the crumpled picture Gregorgi had left on the mother bear was a picture of the Black Madonna, so was she guiding the cousins down the mountainside.
Back in the cab the snow plough started immediately, the amount of time they spent tinkering with its engine was more than love. They headed home,ringing the zoo to ask dd tey want 3 bear cubs. What a stupid question. But what of mother bear, a mother alone on a mountain, bleeding with only 3 belts tightly fastened keeping her alive. Boris rung his friend Olga, he told her to save the mother bear. Olga had a helicopter you see. Olga flew though the snow and scooped up the bear in a net.
Yes mother and bear cubs all lived happily ever after. As for the dead boar, its death had saved the mother bear. The zoo called the mother bear Olga, and the baby bears were called Lech, Boris and Gregorgi. And what about the truffles, well Olga scooped them up too and as she flew to the zoo she dropped them from the sky to Lech’s garden. They were rubbish truffles not worth a penny, but the Black Madonna had saved Lech, Boris and Gregorgi, the baby bears I mean. Or so the cousins thought. A month later a French chef was visiting from Paris, he nearly fainted. The truffles weren’t worth any money. But chef did leave his 4x4 behind instead as payment for the truffles, and you know what on the dashboard an icon of the Black Madonna.
