Essays and Plays (c) By Michael Casey

Essays And Plays ©
By
Michael Casey
My 3rd book
Essays and Plays ©
By
Michael Casey
This is a collection of Essays
and Plays.
Its my 3rd book.
Comedy made simple for everybody of every age . Coming from Birmingham England , which
was where JRR Tolkein came from ,
click on documents and read
The Butcher, The Baker & The Undertaker (c) a comedy drama for everybody
set in Old Forge and Singing Anvil
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A novel , plays and humour essays all on my site http://groups.msn.com/michaelcasey
Now how do I grab your attention I was born in the shadow of Cape Hill Brewery ,
Smethwick , which is on the side of Birmingham. I ended up working for a market
research company into Alcohol Sales , and I was the shandy drinker . Any alcohol and I
was off my tree . Yes really . My job was computer operator , it was mad and we all
had lots of fun , we were right in the city centre , 20 year olds with the keys to the
building , listening to 90mins of ALL the versions of Paul Hardcastles n n n 19 .
Friends would drop by at weekends to sober up and catch the next night service home .
Tom and Jane came in for sex, safe sex, sex literally on a safe, the office carpets
were so dirty after all .They come and chat for 30 mins , before going home , to their
homes , everybody still lived at home then .
Finally after 21years I was made redundant , and I did not know anything about
computers , if I did I would have stayed in them and had a continued good living .
However luck and God played their part . After my mother’s sudden but peaceful death
my dad ended up in an old peoples home , literally in the same street as the family
home , only at the posh end 2 miles up the road , that’s if posh can be in the red
light area of Birmingham . However after years of visits I met my future wife , a
small chinese girl from Shanghai who made me laugh . Once we fell in love this over
40s boy did the right thing . I sent her back to Shanghai and told her to tell her
parents all my bad points . Six months later she came back to me . Now after a few
trials and tribulation we are wed with a 3 year old who nags in Shanghai dialect plus
a 13month old who yesterday took her first step .
So if you like comedy writing then go to my site .
Literary Criticism tells of my wife's first meeting . Fool tells of me chatting up a
transsexual only to finally find out it was an April fools joke , only I was too
pissed to tell . Before I met my wife I went to the Czech Republic where I had ended
up staying with a gay doctor called Loobrush who had his medical certificate proudly
hanging in his bathroom , just above the toilet paper dispenser . My friends at work
all read this I even got one 10/10 , so Michael Can Write , so many years after the
event . I even had a play called Shoplife accepted for the stage , its on the web site
too . Padre Pio and Me tells of my dad's survival from a "fatal" heart attack , my
wife's uncle also survived a "fatal" medical emergency , at the same time as my dad ,
though I did not meet my wife till 3 years later , and only because both men survived
did we meet and have the means to get together .
The novel also on the site is called The Butcher , The Baker and The Undertaker (c),
very tongue in cheek , simultaneously on several levels . An undertaker who becomes an
election agent so a dodgy builder becomes a member of Parliament in the constituency
of Old Forge and Singing Anvil , (my dad was a blacksmith from County Kerry Eire , yes
really).
http://groups.msn.com/michaelcasey
The Butcher The Baker and The Undertaker is a comedy drama about a street of shops in
Old Forge and Singing Anvil in England . Here's a flavour
Wayne buys a derelict pub and his wife is pregnant with twins , things could not be
worse , Mrs Murphy comes to the rescue with a loan , and 2 sets of twins the builders
work for nothing , God looks down and helps too , Wayne discovers a hidden cellar
underneath the cellar , its full of 40year old whiskey left over from the war WWII ,
the pub was where the local black marketeer left everything . Wayne and family are
saved .
The Undertaker has a feud with the traffic warden for putting a parking ticket on his
hearse.On the way there' a Jazz funeral , a teddy bear called Patrick , a dog called
hairy Amjit who has a mind of his own . The Undertaker’s sons leaves the business and
Percy is at a loss , his son returns with a Prodigal Son plea for forgiveness ,
"Father forgive me , I now know that computers are not for me , there is no love in
computers , but in our business there is love and compassion .
The Undertaker tries to blackmail a bent builder who is going to demolish the street
of shops where they all live . Peace is restored so the Undertaker becomes the
election agent for the builder and takes him on a tour of all the rest homes , so that
the builder ends up getting into the Houses of Parliament . The dodgy bookie Smiling
Paul has a bet on the election and wins 1million pounds. The Undertaker is furious
until her hears that Smiling Paul had a road to Damascus experience and gave away all
the money to help save the Chinese restaurant business of his Chinese friends . So
Smiling Paul becomes a man of honour , and gets a stunning girlfriend on the way ,
because the Chinese must honour him .
The writing is funny and tongue in cheek , if some readers see it just as a ma and pa
book then good , but if they step back they will see that I'm gently poking fun at my
characters . Such as Big Sid the butcher who is like a year around santa . Patrick the
baker is trying to have a love life but all the street knows his every move . His
mother is relieved when finally he meets the right girl , a virgin , who turns out to
be the only daughter of the man who saved the bakery many years before , to Patrick's
mum its a miracle and the will of God .
Bible belt people , simple honest folk will love the book , and forgive Patrick's stupidity because , heck
he's a good boy . The New Yorkers and California will love it too because they'll just laugh at the other
side of the tale , The Butcher The Baker and The Undertaker is for everybody , and in translation it will
find a bigger audience . I predict 15million sales in USA alone
The Dead and The Living (c)
by
Michael Casey
I first saw a deceased when I was nine years old ,my father said not
to worry as the dead are the same as the living , only the laughter
has left them , the sparkle has gone from their eyes , the worry has
been lifted from their shoulders , and their voice has vanished to
eternity .
In paradise the sparkle will return for it is the twinkle of the
stars , the laughter will return too for it is the morning breeze and
the turning tides are their sides shaking with laughter .
I treat the deceased with the same courtesy as I give to the living ,
though I find the deceased are always more polite . My father also
had a few words to say about the living .
He said that the living are only the caretakers of the soul , yet
they think their existance is everything , that they know everything
because they experience many things with their senses .
What the living don't acknowledge is that their time is short and
when I lay their bodies to rest then their souls continue without
them , without their strong , without their weak , without their
beautiful or even ugly temporary form , to where I cannot say , only
that it is a better place .
Percy the undertaker placed the lid on the coffin ,the soul was free
THE BEGINNING
The trouble with Technology (c)
By
Michael Casey
The trouble with technology is that we all use it , now if we just left it all alone then we all have no
problems . Simple really but we all just cann't leave it alone , we all just have yo use it . In the
beginning if we wanted water we'd fetch the bucket and drop it down a well . My mother was born just
30feet from the sea , but they were fortunate because they had their own well , so they went outside and
dropped the bucket down the well and then they had water . Then technology comes along and we just
turn a tap and we have clean water instantly . We have hot water too , at the turn of a tap . In one
generation so many changes . However technology then works against us , because we assume it will
always work and that there will be no problems
We don't even know where the stopcock is , so our homes flood and then we discover we are not
covered by our insurance .
My mother grew up with an oil lamp hanging above , no luxury of gas lamps for her , as for electricity ,
that was just a dream . Nowadays how could any society manage without electricity , its impossible to
believe life without electricity . No tv , no radio , no freezers , no street lighting , no traffic lights, the
list goes on and on . As for indoor plumbing , the luxury of a hot bath , the WC in the home . My
mother grew up with no indoor plumbing , if you needed the bathroom as the American's say , then
you'd leave the house and pick your spot in a field with the cows gazing on , as for toilet paper you had
a blade of grass to wipe your %^** . As for me we did not have such hardships , we had an outside
WC , which we did not have to share with any other family , just 8 Caseys sharing our outside
bog/toilet . There was a yard light to illuminate the way and a light in the toilet too . Which was sheer
luxury compared to my mum's and my dad's childhoods . My dad would always come home and
immediately switch off the yard light because it was wasting electricity . Then a shout would go up
"Put the light on" , and my dad would always say "I didn't know" . Then there was the indignity of
running out of paper . My brother Tony had a very good sense of humour so it was always the case that
I'd shout from the yard "More Bog Roll" which is the English slang for toilet paper . Tony was kind so
he'd always bring out a fresh supply of paper , only he liked to tease so he'd push one sheet , just one
sheet of paper under the door and say that's all there was in the house , and that mom said I'd have to
use my finger . Then he'd go away laughing . He always left a full roll of paper on the doorstep , much
to my relief .
Simple technology , we all take for granted , water and electricity . What does all this technology do for
us ? It gives us independent comfortable lives , we have clean water , hot water , light and warmth .
Then with the miracle of TV we can all watch the world go by , from the comfort of our homes , or the
local bar whichever is our true home . We are now a global village as has often been said , but then we
become anti social as its easier to watch tv than to interact with real people , we'd rather watch fiction
on tv than have a real life . But with technology we can send an email to our neighbour across the road
, with pictures and video , rather than leave our castle homes , rather than going over for a coffee and a
bar of chocolate .That's one view the optimistic view says that we truly can break down barriers by
using the miracle of email to keep us connected though we are thousands of miles apart . I have to hold
my hand up and admit that I am an email Junky , I did send up to 5 emails a day to my friend in
another part of the office , because we were both having fun . Then when I fell in love with my one true
love it was ONLY because of the miracle of email that our love survived .I sent my girlfriend long
long emails everyday for 6 months . She was in Shanghai while I was in Birmingham . My heart was
breaking with love and hope until finally she came back to me . I'd come home from work at 3am and
hit the keyboard , with luck because of the time difference we'd actually be live and talking almost in
real time .You cannot imagine how heart rending it was to come home to an email , to get up in the
afternoon and read an email before going on night shift .I think whoever invented email should be
made a saint, without email our love would not have lasted . An exchange of letters takes 14 days from
Birmingham to Shanghai , so thank God for email and God himself KNOWS just how much I mean
that , Sainthood is not high enough reward for the inventor of email .Is it Saint Bill Gates ? The
telephone is fantastic , but too expensive , I know my phone bill reached 4 figures , but an email can be
read over and over again , and even printed off , so it is a letter.
So I confess email is the most important leap in technology of the 20th Century , as far as I am
concerned .
The next stage in the technology story are mobile phones that send/receive video and tv , so we are
literally wired up where ever we are in the world science fiction becoming science fact . We all used
empty match boxes to pretend we were Captain Kirk communicating to the Enterprise but now they
are here for real . If you have been in a theatre,church,hospital and these things bleep you have to
decide for yourself are they useful or just a real pain in the *&^% . On balance they are good , but
people have to be a lot more considerate , nobody else wants to hear their conversations if they are in
church or at the theatre or even cinema . I remember a conversation I had at dinner on Xmas Eve just
gone , the guy sat next to me happen to design mobile phones , he was very very good at his job , but I
did warn caution about saturation point being reached . Then today 4months on , I am proved right , the
mobile giants are in trouble , why , because of saturation point now being reached .
I don't want to end on low note , so I'll tell another anecdote , we all remember when we had our first
colour tv , how wonderful it was and how we all marvel and the colours . The BBC started showing
snooker because of the colours , and now tv without snooker would be unimaginable . Then remote
control came in , so we'd try different positions and even outside the house and through the glass into
the room where the tv was . Technology makes us all like children , its supposed to be a triumph of
engineering and technology but really its our greatest toy , and our greatest joy . On Saturday my dad
will come out of the old peoples home to spend the day with me and my Chinese wife in our home . I'll
be able to show him the internet and I hope I can bring tears of joy to his eyes as I show him County
Kerry on the computer monitor . Sitting in my living room in Birmingham he can read the Irish
newspapers and see his homeland where he started as a blacksmith in the 1930s . This is how we
should be using technology .
End
20/4/2001
Michael G Casey
Email michaelgcasey@hotmail.com
http://groups.msn.com/michaelcasey
Internet Story ©
By
Michael Casey
So all I had to do was send an email , and then I’d be a writer , my book in every
shop , my face smirking from cardboard cutouts of me holding my book aloft . My book
had a great title , so it was bound to sell . A Nation Of Shopkeepers was a great
title , if only people could remember their History , were people interested in
History , and for that matter my book . It wasn’t a history book , would people think
it WAS a history book , and then not buy it . It was a comedy drama , about a street
of shops , interconnecting short stories , for all the family , but would people
notice the levels , the strands of humour , or would they say it’s a Ma & Pa book ,
and miss the joke , just as one publisher called did ?
I decided to keep the title , though I had a reserve title , The Butcher , The Baker
and The Undertaker . Then I realised the US market would rename it The Butcher , The
Baker And The Funeral Arranger . You don’t think about such things when you are
writing the book , you’re just happy , on a roll , in love with your own intellect ,
or just surprized you actually DO have any intellect , then you discover that you are
dyslexic , you really are dyslexic , thankfully not a really bad case , just
dyslexic . As you proof read you see you have put BUT instead PUT , LEAD instead of
READ , things like this and other strange things . Sure there are spellcheckers but or
is it put , you have to check it anyway . As you read you are surprized at your own
ability . You didn’t waste 4years in journalism school , but your writing is GOOD ,
Did I write that ? Then your chest filled with pride you get somebody else to read
it , and guess what ? They think its crap . So now you have to decide , should I give
up or should I carry on ?
I gave up for as while , while is a unit of years in my case , my life took another
path , so the writing was forgotten , it lay dormant for years , then like a phoenix
it arose , or more truthfully , like a tortoise awaking from hibernation , sleep still
in my eyes I slowly poked my head out , then back in , went back to sleep again , then
finally with the pangs of hunger in my stomach I just had to do something . In my case
it was eat , as in really eat , then I turned to my old Atari and realised it was not
PC compatible , so I bought a new , or rather an old new Atari which was PC compatible
. Then I spent a day copying my files so that I could read them on a PC . Then I wrote
a few more pieces before I realised I’d get nowhere in England . The chances of being
published were 1 in 2000 . So like a bear , I went back in my cave and slumbered .
Meeting my wife Jing Jie was a turning point in my life , and not just because it was
like Thunder as Jing Jie calls it , it was a turning point because I had a
professional opinion on my writing , from a journalist at the very top of the tree .
Her uncle is an editor in chief , so his comments were and are like gold , worth more
than my first coffee and Cadbury’s chocolate , the pleasure rush I treat myself to
every day , his comments really were that important to me , and I really DO like my
Cadbury’s , so being better than Cadbury’s is the highest praise I can give . So I
knew the quality of my writing , even if others said and say its crap .
Getting a modern PC and internet connection was another turning point . Email in our
house is like water and electic in any other homes . Jing Jie can “talk” to her mum in
Shanghai every day . To friends all over the world as well . Birmingham IS the centre
of the universe .So with hope and fear I had to transfer my files from my old Atari to
the new PC . The floppy discs were old and battered , several were unreadable ,
finally my work , my babies were safely on the new PC . Just to be on the safe side I
set up a website , so now my work was on somebody’s server in the US , thousands of
miles away , safe from fire or theft . I could also put our new baby’s photos on the
web site so that my Chinese family in Shanghai and Maimi and friends all over the
world could see Annie and Jing Jie and me , they could even read my work too .
So now all I had to do was market my work in the US , simple really , soon I’d be
doing something useful with my life , making people laugh . I’d be a writing whore ,
I’d get paid to make others laugh , the best job in the world . So how would I set
about it ? I got a list of radio stations from the internet and started sending emails
galore . I’m talking in the hundreds now , to radio stations the length and breath of
the US .They could publicise my site then eventually I’d get published , or my play
would get produced . It was simple wasn’t it . So merrily I went about my business ,
sending emails galore . Years before I used to send off big heavy envelopes with my
work in , with more persistance than hope in my heart .”Thank you for your pieces of
paper“was the best put down . I once even met a writer and he agreed to to read my
play Shoplife , then he wrote back calling me a plagerist , because it was so good .
So I used his note as toilet paper , Shoplife was so good because I had 20years of
experience given to me by my sister , I just improved on it , but yet I was called a
Copyist , so naturally I was angry and used his note to wipe my bum .
I wondered why my strike rate was so low with my emails to radio stations , then
somebody casually mentioned , “You do know they will just delete anything with an
attachment” . In these days of viruses or worms which I’ve discovered is the new
trendy word , nobody can risk their PC , so I merrily send and they merrily delete .
I’d been wasting my time , but not my money because I’d got a 24/7 package on my
internet from AOL .However one radio station did read Shoplife . The DJ or is it
Host , he called it hilarious and he could not stop reading it . It turned out he was
an actor as well , though isn’t everybody an actor in the US ?
So I thanked him , and quoted him in my future advertising .Humour is a funny thing .
The things that make English people laugh are not the same as the things that make
Americans’ laugh . We are constantly told by people on tv that English TV is the best
in the world , the US material we see is the top 10% , the rest is rubbish . But I
know I’d never get my foot in the door in England so I had to persist with my American
campaign , so now I pasted in my material , no attachments . Just get them hooked ,
then paste in a sample then direct them to http://groups.msn.com/michaelcasey
Then bingo part2 of my life could begin ,I’d be the man that made America laugh , a
naïve sentiment , but it was honest .Only AOL turns things into zip files and some
people cann’t unzip your files , its like wanting sex but your zipper is broke and you
cann’t get your trousers off . Such a strong urge , but no forfillment .
I switched to MSMAIL and pasted in my stuff , things started to happen , my files
weren’t being deleted or too zipped up to be read . At least I wasn’t frustrated any
more . Now I had an agent interested , and a new magazine , even a theatre replied
.All praise to Bill Gates , and to a Christian called Pat Verato who pointed me in the
direction of a few good sites .However some of the sites that I trawled through were
just , so very American . Hey , you too can be a writer , just send me 10 dollars and
I’ll send you my book “How to make 10 dollars” , and he does . Then there’s
magazines you can subscribe to , yes you’ve guessed it , just send another 10 dollars
“Writing for Beginners” . There’s all these agents too who are so successful ,
persuading tap dancing bus drivers to write about Tap Dancing For Bus Drivers , the
complete self help book , costs 10 dollars . The agent gets 20percent , and the bus
driver pays 5000dollars to print 500 copies , then he can boast he’s a writer , not
just a bus driver , and guess what if you pay 10 dollars you can learn to tap dance
too .
As for me , what do I think of all this ? I’d say just keep on writing , stop your
selling , or attempts at selling , just write a bit . Add to your catalogue of 3 poems
and 2 short stories , then search for an agent . Believe you’ll never be published and
then you won’t be disappointed. There is one final thing you can do though , just tell
everybody to go to my site http://groups.msn.com/michaelcasey
And help find a publisher for my book , and then you’ve guessed it , just send me 10
dollars !
End
Nov99 Michael G Casey email michaelgcasey@hotmail.com
Literary Criticism (c)
By
Michael Casey
I always thought I was a good writer , people told me so , and it
was what I wanted to hear , so naturally I believed it . That was until
Jee Ji came to live with me . She told me she'd read my stuff , my
"rubbish" and give an opinion , her uncles were influential , so perhaps ,
or just maybe they could help me get published or even produced . Then the
world would be my oyster , however I had forgotten one fundamental thing .
Jee Ji was Chinese , her English still had a long way to go , and besides
which would British humour travel as far as China , or as far as her
Chinese brain ?
So naturally I gave her my funniest story to read first , the true
yet surreally funny Czech story , and what did she say ? "Its boring", if
she had been a man or one of the lads from work I'd have punched her , or
at the very least called her an "ignorant bastard". But because I loved
her , I took the critism like a man and smiled , and that was a revelation
in itself , why ? Because I had found somebody whom I respected enough not
to curse at when the hated my work , my stuff , my "rubbish" . Love is a
strange thing , making you smile , instead of curse . So it at least
proved how much I loved her , I had told her that my stories were my
children , the product of my love , the only thing with meaning in my
life , with value in my life . Until true love came along in the form f
Jee Ji herself . So now we could discuss things , with love in our eyes ,
and my writing was , what it really was , just words on paper. Perhaps
someday my simple words would really have great value , but now I realised
what they were - words , just words , perhaps never to have any meaning ,
except to me alone . In the Bible it begins with "In the beginningh there
was The Word" , aand after that we have the Bible itself , and the rest is
History . So perhaps my humble words would have a beginning , and perhaps
my future words would have history too , obviously not as great as The
Bible , but I still dream that someday my words will have an effect on
people . I don't want to move mountains , just make people laugh , that's
enough for me . However humour is a funny thing , I cannot tell a joke to
save my life but sopmehow when I put words on paper I can make people
smile and even laugh . When I'm really relaxed and down the pub I can
actually make people cry with laughter , and I don't know why , the trears
of laughter just flow , so perhaps when I write I should just relax aand
pretend I'm down the pub and most of all , just don't try to be funny ,
just let the laughter flow naturally .
So much for the theory , the practice is that you write for years
and nobody pays a blind bit of notice , then you write one thinmg and hey
presto you are recognised as a "writer" , well in your office at any rate
. So you are suddenly "world famous" to a group of friends , if you are
lucky 30 friends , that's just how "world famous" I became . Offer any
other pieces of your "literature" and you are treated like a leper ,
"Unclean , Unclean" people almost say . I did get one real fan , and I
fell in love with her , only she didn't fall in love with me , as she
repeatedly said . However I did make a friend for life , which is better
than nothing . And I'm use to nothing , so that cann't be bad .
Jee Ji revealed her uncles's connections , after I'd already
guessed , I was happy but not overwhelmed . I had a play accepted 12 years
ago , only it did not happen , so I've given up believing I'd ever be
acknowledged as a writer long ago . If a miracle happens and her family
decides to help me then that's wonerful , but I have her love and love is
the greatest gift of all , so I'm more than happy . World recognition as a
writer will never happen , not unless my mother who makes tea in Heaven
pulls lots of strings for me , having said that she sent Jee Ji so perhaps
helping me find my true vocation is next on my mother's list . "Blessed is
he who expects nothing" , so perhaps before I die I will be blessed , and
become a writer .
So that's how Jee Ji has become my literary critic , if I get 100
out of 100 she will pass on my work to her uncle , but she is the filter .
This makes me smile and is the ultimate irony , becuase her English is
very good , though her verbalising is not as good as what's in her head ,
and she still has to look words up in her electronic dictionary . So I
have a Chinese literary critic , who is still learning English !
So Igave her another piece to read , it was "Its all in the Stars"
a comedy based on me and Louise . This made her laugh and smile ,
occasionally Jee Ji would look up and ask "What Mean?" and spell out a
word and I'd explain and make her look it up in the dictionary . So I'd be
smiling as I watched her read my story , and then I'd smile even more when
she stopped to ask for explanations of English words . God really DOES
have the last laugh , first I have to write something funny , which is
hardf in itself, then I have to write in such a way as to please a Chinese
girl . Now that is the future which I have to bear in mind . As for my
back catologue , I just have to hope that with "The help of God and Two
Policemen " as my mum alwasys used to say my old "stuff" will pass the
Chinese filter and get 100 out of 100 , and then a Chinese uncle in Maimi
or a Chinese uncle in Shanghai will help this Birmingham England boy get
his foot in the door as a writer .
So I watch from my rocking chaire as she reads , as I watch for
smiles I admire her beauty , though I call her ans "ugly mug" as a joke ,
and as a way of making her realise that beauty is only skin deep . And we
both realise too its because we see each others heart that's why we are
sitting opposite eacxh other , that's why I have a Chinese critic of my
British humour , and yes God really DOES have a truely great sense of
humour . If I can do the impossible then I will perhaps finally get my
chance to be a writer . Though I must immediately say that my mum does
make the tea in Heaven so I'm sure she's bribing Saint Jude , the patron
saint of the impossible , "Look , Saint Jude if you want the best tea for
all eternity , just help Michael my youngest son , let him make people
laugh for 70 years with his writing . But only if he can make his Chinese
girl give him 100 out of 100 . And only if its the Will of God." .So
basically that's the situation . Simple really , I just sit in my rocking
chair and watch Jee Ji smile and every now and then she says "What Mean?"
and I explain and she checks it out in her electonic dictionary , then she
laughs more when she reads the Chinese translation . I'm sure I can hear
God laughing in the background , but I REALLY do believe mum sent Jee Ji
to me , so I hope its just a matter of time before I get my foot in the
door and I get a chance to be a writer . Having said that perhaps I should
add that Time is God's greatest joke , didn't Padre Pio once say something
like "The prayers I will say tomorrow will have helped you yesterday ."
To finish , perhaps I should just teach Jee Ji more English and
then Hey Presto she'll see what a wonderful writer I am . I'm laughing now
at my own stupidity , its more likely she'll think even more how useless I
am as a writer , however God works in mysterious ways and another thing my
mother used to say was "Far Fetched , Like Shit from China." Why ? Because
our meeting and falling ion love is so unbelieveable and so far fetched
just like "Shit from China" , so the ultimate joke is that it takes a
real Chinese miracle for me to find a girl AND get published .
Or can I hear God Laughing ?
The Shy Girl ©
By
Michael Casey
Helen let herself in the house and shouted hello to her aunt as
she dashed up the stairs two at a time . This was usual for her on a
Friday night . Once in the bathroom she breathed a sigh of relief , her
aunt hadn't seen the carrier bags she was carrying . Helen put the plug in
the bath and then reaching into the Body Shop carrier she poured a liberal
amount of "enriching body bubble bath" into the bath before turning the
hot tap on . Next she hit the play button on the cassette and began to get
undressed , she got undressed slowly and deliberatly , just as she had
read in Cosmo in the article on how to turn on your man . She'd been
practicing for three months now , she was very good at it.
Helen was twenty five and three months old , she wore baggy
clothes to hide her figure , for she was a shy girl , it was only on
Friday night when she reformed her ritual "temptress" routine before she
tried on her new clothes that she was truely free . All alone in the
bathroom with just a mirror for company Helen could act out her fantasies,
now she stood naked before the mirror , she took a bow , she really had
mastered the the routine Cosmo had suggested . If only she wasn't so shy
if only she didn't hide her bust behind a baggy top and her bum behind a
loose fitting three quarter length skirt .
Helen took a long hard look at herself in the mirror , she'd
look good on any page three , only she never bought the Sun , just looked
at it over the shoulder of people on the bus . She always though "tart"
every time she got a glance of page three , but if only she could have a
thimble full of their brazeness , then she wouldn't be so shy , then she'd
have a steady boyfriend . When she reached 25 she promised herself that
she'd stop being so shy , and for the past three months she'd being buying
things that would show off her figure , next week she was going to get
contacts too , after all men never made a pass at girls who wore glasses.
The only problem was that for three months she'd bought the nice if not
exactly sexy clothes , only all she did was try them on before neatly
folding them and putting them at the bottom of her wardbrobe . She really
was a shy girl , some might think a frump , just to judge by outward
appearences , its just that she was shy , shy shy shy.
Her bath was ready so reaching in her carrier she reached for a
magazine before getting in the bath . This month the main article was
about sex , relationships and why cann't men just be friends , there was a
picture from the film "When Harry Met Sally" above the article . Helen
started to read , her glasses steaming up already , she reached down for
her bar of Galexy taking a big bite as she read . Helen's friends had
started to get married and /or have serious relationships , she was
beginning to feel left behind , especially as once her friends had a man
they had less time for friendship with her . She read the article hoping
to find fresh insight into her situation . It was asking how far should
you go on your first date , second date and so on , there was even a chart
so you had an at a glance guide .
Helen thought of her last boyfiend , three months ago in fact ,
he had assused that as it was her birthday the thing she'd like most
would be him ! He's pressed himself against her , and put his hand on her
breast , only she'd kneed him in the groin , and his fancy watch with its
even fancier watch strap had got stuck on her bra strap , so as she
stormed off , she had his Cartier watch dangling from her chest almost
like a nurse's watch .
She read on pausing for more chocolate , if only men were as
nice as Galexy that would be something. She finished the article and
turned the page to be met with a picture of agent Fox Mulder from the X
files . She sighed , she wouldn't be shy with him that was for sure , mind
you millions of woman would doubtless say the same . She spent five
minutes adoring his picture before taking another bite of chocolate , and
then sinking lower into the bath , yes yes yes , oh yes , this chocolate
was something else , or was it Fox Mulder ?
There was another article about pets and stress levels , that
was quite interesting , apparently you live longer if you have a pet , as
you have something to love and it in return loves you unconditionally . if
only she could find a man like that . Mind you animals did have one major
disadvantage . they were very wanton , very caveman like . If a male
animal liked a female it just jumped and got on with it , perhaps she
should be wanton , just once , just to see if it worked , could you find
true love by being a tart just the once and hoping you'd found the man of
your dreams ? She closed her eyes and shook her head before saying outloud
, "a tart is a tart , is a tart " . Then she farted , giggled helplessly
as the bubbles disappeared . She thought of her friend Vicky , she was
like her , very shy and hiding her figure behind frumpy clothes , she'd
given herself away , only she'd got pregnant and the lad ran a mile , then
her mother threw her out , so she ended up running away to London to have
an abortion . Helen closed her eyes and shivered at the thought of it ,
she turned the hot tap with her big toe , she was determined that would
never happen to her . Why she'd even gone on the pill so determined was
she .
She just wished she'd meet somebody who was gentle and kind who
could make her laugh , and above all was not so fast , she wanted to be
courted , in fact she wanted to tell him , "you can put your hand on my
breast now" , perhaps she was longing for the 50s , even though now it
was nearing the millenium . She wasn't looking for a man with a book in
his hand all the time and she wasn't looking for a body builder either ,
Martin was just perfect only the one time he got carried away and had
touched her bum with one hand and felt her breast with his other hand ,
and without asking either . So naturally she'd kneed him in the groin ,
what else was she to do ? In fact the men at work called her "frigid"
behind her back , but she had to have standards didn't she ? It had been
the first time she'd ever closed her eyes , normally she'd keep
them open so she could keep a lookout for any roving hands , then the
first time she had relented and that had happened . Perhaps one day she'd
love and trust somebody enough to give into her animal insticts , but she
just wasn't ready now .
The bath water was getting cold now ,so she got out of the bath
and dried herself in front of the mirror , once she was dry she'd try on
her new clothes . She had bought some red skimpy underwear , a red knee
length skirt and a tight fitting blue top , as she got dressed she began
to laugh , if only people could see her now and when she got some
contacts she'd be really knockout . Then she sighed , she'd tried lots of
bright colours over the past three months , but in her heart of hearts she
knew she'd never wear them in public , she just didn't have the confidence
besides every time she looked at herself in the mirror the only word that
sprang to mind was "Tart" . But she would at least wear her contacts , it
was at least a start wasn't it ?So slowly and sadly she changed back into
her frumpy clothes , nobody would ever see her at her best . Except the
fourteen year old lad named Michael who had been watching through the
window from the house next door , for in her rush Helen had forgotten to
close the curtains .
End
Sep00Michael G Casey email michaelgcasey@hotmail.com
The Watch and Me ©
By
Michael Casey
I suppose my love affair with the watch started when I was just a child
now 30 years on the passion is still there . I remember lifting up my
dad's shirt sleeve to look at the watch on his wrist , watching the second
hand sweep around and asking what time was it , not that I really
understood the concept of time , I knew midnight was always dark , that
was about it really . Oh apart from some special time called "opening
time" and "closing time" , our lodgers would pay their rent at the back
door before rushing off to the pub , it was a mystery to me .
A cousin of ours was to be ordained a priest in Dublin , so dad and
2 of my brothers went off to Dublin for the ceremony . I remember Tony
coming back with a watch on his wrist , it had a black strap and had a
small face , then at the bottom was seperate dial with a second hand on
it , we all thought it was very posh . So being children we now used this
dial to see how long we could hold our breath , we'd take a deep breath
and pump up our cheeks then Tony waved his hands and we'd start our
endurance test . Only stopping when we fell over our faces brilliant red
and our eyes bulging . I remember Tony seemed to win this game always ,
not because he cheated but because he loved under water swimming so had
mastered holding his breath . Then we had a contest to run down the yard
past the hedge to the bottom of the garden and touch the fence and
come back and touch the wall of the house , we were all young and mad then
but such simple fun was all because we had a watch with a second hand .
Jim was our lodger for 20years , when he'd been with us for 11 years
I badgered him for a present , for a watch . if I passed the 11 plus exam.
Finally he gave in and gave me his own 2nd best watch , in fact I got it
before I even sat the exam . So the watch Jim gave me was my first watch
ever . The trouble with leather watch straps is that they dig into your
flesh , so you loosen the strap but then the watch dangles , so I
compromised by using stretch straps , then you can slide a stretch strap
all the way up your arm , until it feels comfortable . I also always liked
mechanical watches , it was a night time rictual , taking my watch off and
winding it up , setting the time against the chimes of Big Ben on the
radio . So you can see just how important a watch is to me . There is just
one thing I've forgotten to mention , watches always break . Well when I
wear them anyway . For the past 20 years as a computer operator I'm always
carrying something and banging my watch on doors or whatever . So they
break , leaving my watch in the bathroom while I take a bath was another
of my bad habits . Watches steam up on me , or the winder gets rusty and
breaks off , or I break the glass , or the glass falls out . Once the
glass fell out , so I glued it back again , only to make a mess of the job
and glue the hands of the watch together as well . Finally I decided to
get a quartz watch , they were accurate , only my sweaty wrist steamed up
the face constantly , so I couldn't read the time . On average a watch
lasts me 1 year , my sister Mary always laughs every time I show her my
latest new watch . A simple Lorex watch was the best one I ever had , its
lasted 5 years . However I must confess that it has only lasted me that
long because when dad was in hospital after mum had died and he had nearly
died too he wanted a watch so he could pass the time , by looking at the
watch , so he'd know when his next meal was , the fact that there was a
clock on the wall not 2 yards away did not matter . Of course I took the
watch off my wrist and gave it to him . he was my dad and I loved him , so
if a watch would please him , he could have mine . That was 4 years ago ,
dad is called the miracle man , by the doctors , he beat death , dad's
time was up and the grim reaper made an appearance twice , but dad is
still alive and kicking , my watch ticking on his wrist . Or so it was
until last month . Jie Jie my Chinese wife bought me a fancy watch for my
Birthday so I gave dad my watch , a fancy Esprit model , amd I retired the
old one , but I have kept it as a souvenir , we all thought dad would die
in weeks , but his heart is still ticking as strong and reliable as a
Rolex watch . I think when we all die , if we are not worthy of Paradise
immediately God will issue us with a Rolex and we have to wear it for a
billion years , until we are worthy of Paradise . God's watch is the
turning tides , the movememnt of the stars accross the heavens and
rumbling super vovas , after all didn't time begin with creation . It is
us stupid mankind who try to limit it to a dial on a watch .
End
The Light from a Candle ©
I watched as the candle's life ended, smoke spiraled in the air. I tried to see where the smoke was going only it just disappeared
into nothingness. Another candle came to an end,but suddenly it rared up a final flicker of flame then it was gone, black smoke
twirling into the air. I strained to see where the smoke was going only it was no use. I'd need a magnifying glass, binoculars, a
microscope or a periscope, smoke just could not be followed. Another candle went out again I strained to see where its life had
gone, but it was no use, the trail disappeared into nothingness. The candles were going out randomly, I had to jump from one to
another in a vain attempt to see its moment of death, so that I could observe what was happening to them. In all 7 maybe 8
candles "died" as I watched from my position sat next to the candle rack in the cathedral on my lunch break. That was all
yesterday, and today the process was repeated.Each candle is a hope,a wish, a prayer. Just as Jazz music is music turned into
smoke, that weavers and sneaks its way through an audience, a candle and its smoke is a living flame of hope and love which we
all hope will touch God's spirit and let him hear our prayers. The smoke from a candle is like a ballet dancer doing the most
intricate of dances, its like girl dancing with a ribbon at the Olympics. Only the candle and its smoke might say more for us when
we cann't think of the right words to say, God Help Us, can be all we can say, but if said from the heart then it is enough, For
Faith Moves Mountains.
And candles are more than flickers that end in smoke, they remind us of the Light and Warmth of God's Love.
Words from beyond the grave ©
I did my best, I tried to live a holy life, thinking of the next life and not tied to this. But now I'm gone you turn me into an icon,
I get 15minutes of fame, after I'm dead, but those 15minutes last forever. I wanted a humble grave, a quiet sendoff, only a brass
band turned up. People spoke kind words about me, some even meaning them, but for what? For vanity, for care, for compassion
to those I left behind, or to make themselves important by association. I'm just a signpost pointing the way, go higher, don't stop
at me, the signpost, go higher. Go to heaven itself, not this ornate graveyard, with people selling teeshirts with my name on. Go
higher.
I'm just a mother so remember me well, don't fight with one another, love one another and help each other, if you want to
remember me then remember those words of mine. And I'm not angry with you any more, for that joke about Thomas being the
ideal name for an aethist. Breath the fresh air, sit on the grass in our small garden and remember how as kids we all cut that grass
by using small pairs of sissors because we couldn't afford a lawn mower. Life goes on without me, I never saw those pretty girls
of yours, but God lets us see things sometimes, and yes you are right I would have spoilt them if only I had lived to see them. But
my passing led to dad going into the old folks home, and it was there where you met you wife, at least he held the 1st girl in his
arms before he was called into Paradise. And do you know they have a beautiful garden here, and for fun we are allowed to cut
the grass with sissors, one blade at a time. So enjoy your life and enjoy your family. Those prayers you said for years brought
tears to Heaven, and then by chance at a letter box she met a man who ran the home, and thats why she was there waiting for
you, waiting for you all the time, love is no crime. Hope and Tears and love, and I did give cupid a push from above, and I'm so
glad you didn't call anybody Thomas.
Michael Casey 10 Reginald Rd Bearwood Warley B67 5AQ 0121 429 8576
13/06/98
Its All In The Stars ©
By
Michael Casey
Louise just loved to read her stars in the papers , but
gradually she became disillusioned , they were too inaccurate , too
general , she wanted more detail , a personal touch , she wanted to know
how her life would be . Not "you'll have a happy day today , a surprize
could be on its way." She wanted more , so she went to see a clairvoyant ,
the clairvoyant was a gypsie who had pitched her caravan in the Bull
Ring. Louise happened to be there buying new knickers for herself outside
Saint Martins church when she spotted the sign saying "fortunes told ,
cheap prices , under a fiver to know your future . "
So grasping her knickers in the carrier she climbed the four
steps into the caravan . The fortune teller looked like a rugby player in
drag , but thats normal for fortune tellers , so Louise wasn't afraid .
She had 30 mins before she had to get back to Stats and some report
writing for Derek the boss . The bells of Saint Martin peeled , a
lunchtime service was about to begin , as for Louise she held her breath ,
what would the future bring ?
Michael also wanted to know the future . He read his stars avidly
in the papers , he'd buy his shopping in Safeways , then once through the
checkout he'd read his stars in all the newspapers , before discarding the
papers and leaving with just his shopping , the papers in a heap at his
feet . He always hoped the stars would tell him when he'd meet the love of
his life , what he failed to notice was that while he had his head in the
newspaper , pretty women were standing right next to him browsing the
womens magazines . If only he looked up from the stars .
Fate would bring these two together , in fact they lived in the
same street , but their paths had never crossed , Michael lived at number
10 and Louise lived in number 25 . Michael had been a computer operator
for 20 years but when the job ended he took the first job that came along
, so now he was a security guard , not one of those thick ones in uniforms
, no he was a guard in the new Travel lodge hotel on Broad street , the
biggest hotel in the city . He wore a suit and had a nice badge with his
name on it , and he had a nice slim radio . So he was an upper class
security guard . It was the perfect job for him because he liked meeting
people and having a gossip .
The fortune teller had told Louise , that she'd meet somebody
strong and reliable , though perhaps a little boring , things would
happen suddenly and she'd be swept off her feet . Louise liked strong men
why she'd been to see the Chippendales four times , so she smiled to
herself as she left the caravan , clutching her carrier of knickers. The
months passed and still Louise hadn't found her Mr Reliable , she got
offers of course , she enjoyed strutting her stuff in pubs all over the
Black Country her and her friend Mary . Only the offers were always from
men just past their sell by date , men who would buy you a pint and a bag
of chips and then want to feel more than your hips as she danced to 70s
Glamrock . So Louise said "Sod It !" , as she slapped another man across
the face . Why couldn't men be Gay without being Gay , you know Gay men
treated you like a lady and didn't grope . Just why couldn't one like that
turn up .
Michael finished another 12 hour shift and was wandering around
his flat naked , scatching his bum and drinking another 2 litres of
coca cola . He switched the telly on and surfed teletext , his HiFi was
on too playing Genesis , he always read the news on all channels before
reading his stars on ITV channel 4 , channel 5 and Sky . His whole working
life involved working odd hours with even odder people , so he'd never met
anybody who would put up with his lifestyle . Now 40 was on the horizon ,
was he clutching at straws hoping against hope by reading his stars to
cheer himself up . Jo from the kitchen had given him a Xmas card saying "I
hope the girl of your dreams find you in 98 " , and the year was half
over. Michael sighed , at least he could have a quiet cry while he watched
weepies on Sky and the other channels . Little Women was perhaps his
favourite film , the ending where the Professor says he has empty hands
, he has nothing to give , but the girl gave him her hands and said "now
they are full" . His own father had nothing when he met his mom , yet she
married him , and yet he married her and her false teeth , and they went
on to have six children . So Michael watched and weeped , at least there
was refuge and solace in prayer , he had taken up regular prayer when he'd
read about Padre PIO,and when his mother died , and to his surprize his faith got
stronger . But still he longed for company , to talk with , to laugh with
, to cry with , and to wake up with . So he prayed and read his stars in
equal dozes .
Louise slammed the door of her flat , and rearranged her blouse,
that bastard had more hands than an octopus , he'd left his thumb print on
her boob too , and the bra strap was broken too . She have to go down the
Bull Ring on Monday and get herself a new red bra , and new red knickers
too , it was a matching set after all . She flicked on the telly , Central
Weekend was still on , Russell Grant was on , so she didn't switch off .
He was saying that a proper reading involved study . Louise examined her
bruised boob as he talked , still listening she practised her undressing
technique , it'd been in Mary's Cosmo three months before , so she'd been
practising it . Once she met a Gay man who wasn't Gay , he'd have the full
benefit of it , it was all about pleasing him , so to please yourself ,
that's how Cosmo explained it . So there she was naked before her telly
with just Russell Grant smiling at her , "And its about examining your
potential and optimizing your best bits " , Louise was examing her boob
again , and her bum , she found another bruise there . So it was standing
naked before Russell Grant and a studio audience that she decided to do it
herself ,she'd go to the library and dig out some books . She'd form her
own future , she'd caste her own fortune .
Michael dried the tears from his eyes , and switched the tv off,
scratched his bum , then got into bed . If only a millionnairess would
stop at the hotel and fall in love with him , well it happened in films
didn't it . His stars had been contradictory as usual , so he just
believed the nice ones . Louise had been switched off the telly when she'd
glanced out of her window , only to see a naked man get into bed. Michael
was afraid of the dark you see , so he always left a chink in his curtain
, and Louise by chance or was it fate ? She had seen him , he was fat and
very hairy , but at least he had a big chest , she just loved men with big
chests . So sniggering Louise headed for her own bed .
The following Monday Louise dashed up to the Library and got as
many do it yourself Horoscopes books as she could find . There were five
in fact . She'd read them all then photocopy the best bits on the works
photocopier . No more newspapers for her , she'd do it herself , she had
five minutes left of her lunch hour so she went and got a new matching bra
and knickers from the Bull Ring , and some grapes too , she just loved
grapes . Somebody was selling a telescope too , so on impulse she bought
that too , it was only a fiver . She be able to gaze up at the stars .
Michael had a nice day at the hotel , people seemed to like him,
well in five minute doses that is ,a millionairess did stop at the hotel ,
only she was a bitch , who knew she was rich and beautiful and intelligent
and she wanted the whole world to know it . If only she had a dose of
humility that'd change her thought Michael , if she'd been through what
he'd been through , being ill was like being gang raped , and it lasted
weeks , and then you took weeks to recover , and then once you went back
to work you had the stigma for the rest of your life . Yes , being ill
would be perfect for this rich millionairess , a dose of humility was a
good thing . Michael prefered the way he was now , compared to his old
self years and years ago. But Michael smiled and carried all her shopping
and put it into a waiting taxi , as she swore at him for not being quick
enough . But his stars had said "You will be mixing with the rich and
famous", and so he was , by carrying her bags .
Louise dashed home with her carrier full of library books ,
she'd know her future tonight , she was a bit impetous at times , so she'd
work out her future tonight . She saw the light go on in Michael's flat ,
and she did have a telescope , so she gave into temptation and spied on
him . He was nice , very nice , then she nearly dropped the telescope , he
had a horrid birthmark on his left shoulder , a brown stain all covered in
hair . He was a bit like the elephant man , Louise laughed , and then went
back to her books . As for Michael he put the Disney channel on and
watched Beauty and the Beast , he could empathise with the Beast , he'd
been called a beast himself because of his birthmark , girls had run away
from him because of it .They could put up with him being fat , but the
birthmark as well , that was too much . So Michael watched Beauty and the
Beast and cried and cried , some say a man should not cry , but Michael
knew that was bollocks , it was good to be in touch with your emotions , a
good cry cleanses then system . Recently he'd started listening to
ClassicFM , cos one of the cleaners had told him about it , and that made
him cry too , how could just a few violins and so forth touch your soul in
seconds . But it was nice , besides they'd never be anybody there to see
him cry , so he could be true to his soul , and cry and cry . Humility had
been forced upon him by being ill , but once he had it he found it suited
him , he always empathised with the scum of society , he always sided
with the underdog , because you are scum , when you've been ill .
Louise looked up from her books , she'd spent five hours reading
the future was hers , she picked up the telescope again , this time to
look for Uranous , but the sky had clouded over . So she watched Michael's
bum as he got into bed . Louise spent weeks reading , she even went to
West Bromwich library in search of books , she was confident she knew she
always be ok for money , and that was all that mattered as far as she was
concerned , so long as she could pay the bloody mortgage and could feed
her cat Sam . One night Mary couldn't come on the razzle , strutting her
stuff with Louise , and as Louise had a bit of a cold she stayed in and
watched the telly . Elephant Man was on , the music was good , but Louise
hated the black and white , and was going to switch it off , but it was
compelling in a horrile sort of way . As she watched she looked out the
window and could see naked Michael , she laughed , then looked back at the
Elephant Man , then she laughed "Elephant Man lives over the road , Sam" ,
then the music touched her , she felt guilty , a silent tear fell . She
couldn't bear her guilt so she got up and switched the telly off , she
didn't have a remote control . She put HeartFM on loud to cheer herself
up, but her eyes were drawn over the road towards Michael's back , so she
picked up the telescope . "It's not that bad I suppose , if I were his
girlfriend I'd shave it ." Then she dropped the telescope , and reached
for her chocolate , and soon forgot him , HeartFM was great .
Hazel had the flu , so would anybody like a ticket to see Phantom
of The Opera . So as it was free Louise had it , she liked classical music
too as well as glam rock , so it would be a night out for her and Mary .
The Phantom was great , a bit like Disney's Beauty and the Beast really or
even the Hunchback Of NotreDame , about love crossing insurmountable
barriers . Michael had once said to his mom , that he wasn't good enough
for anybody , and his mother had chided that of course he was , Love
Conquers All was her message . And so was the message of Phantom . Louise
ate her chips on the bench outside the Hippodrome , her mind troubled ,
Mary thought she was a bit quiet . Louise lied and said she was only
tired. But once home she got her telescope out and watched Michael's back
as she played tghe CD of the show that she'd bought .Guilt overcame her
and she cried , she cried just like a little girl .
Now sometimes fate cannot wait no longer it bursts on the
scene , it demands attention . Louise was returning the books to the
library , she had just bought more knickers from the Bull Ring . It was
while she was crossing the road at the top of Hill Street that she nearly
walked under a bus , had it not been for a strong hand pulling at her bra
strap she would have been dead . "Pervert" was on her lips , as she fell
backwards , but the noise and shadow of the bus drownd her words.
"I could have been killed , " she stuttered , as she got to her feet .
"That's why I grabbed you , your bra strap was what saved you , " replied
Michael .
Louise looked up to see who had saved her , she looked deep into his eyes
, his child like eyes . She screamed and fainted , he caught her in his
strong arms . A full minute later she opened her eyes .
"But its you , I've never seen you with your clothes on, " stammered
Louise .
"Pardon ? " replied Michael not knowing her guilt secret .
"You see , we are neighbours in Miracle Road Bearwood , " explained
Louise.
"Here's your knickers ," replied Michael as he picked up her carrier abnd
its spilled contents .
"But , you saved my life , " said Louise , before smothering him in
kisses, he had saved her life after all .
"Let's go for a coffee in Dunkin Donuts , " suggested Michael "you have
had a shock after all .
And so that was how they finally met , it was all in the stars , I
think they went on to have twelve children and lived happily ever after ,
you get a lot of family allowance with twelve children after all .
End
You're Never Alone When You Are in Love ©
By
Michael Casey
Love is being together , Love is a smile , a Look , A Touch
Or Just A Sigh , Not really knowing why you chose one another .
Yet Together Till You Die
Love is a Kiss soft and gentle on the cheek which warms your
heart and makes you glad you chose one another .
A Kiss can lead to more but I'll leave Passion locked Safely
behind a bedroom door
Passion spent you'll not give up each not even for Lent .
You'll just lie in warm embrace and remember you forgot to say
grace .
Whispers and Promises are made , plans for the future and if
she put her hair this way , Do you think it would suit her ?
Then giggles and more embraces , Till the Night is over and with
a dig in the ribs you make him move over .
Then your oneness complete , you have to put up with his cold feet !
But when you are apart your hearts are still one , Thought half is
absent you are still one .
His socks under the bed , and after what you said .
His "toys" scattered about , and the clout you'll give when he
returns and the warmth of your body he yearns .
His cold feet to chill you after he thrills you , are absent yet the
thought makes you smile , at least you have the comfort for a while.
His grins and leers , which makes you smile at least you'll have
peace for a while .
But his heart is still with you , the love is always there - as
bright as your fair hair .
Close your eyes and he is still there , Remember the embrace as he
played his fingers across your face .
Let your dreams go and remember the whispers in your ear , warm
kisses on your shoulder before he gets bolder . The warmth of love
that soars through your blood .
Dream long , Dream deep , your Man toils while you sleep , though
you are apart you are still together whatever the weather , for you
are never apart for he is locked in your heart .
Though sometimes he can be trying , there's Never any need of crying
for your love is Undying.
Always remember he fills your heart even when you are apart
End
Michael's Bathroom ©
by
Michael Casey
Six months previously Michael had decorated his living room , he
had to , the white walls had turned to a nicoteen stained yellow in places
such was the downside of having a South facing living room . Now it was
the turn of the bathroom again . The bathroom was very small , not even
enough room to swing a cat , it was about 7 foot by six foot , which was
just big enough for the bath , the sink and the bog . Why did people want
big bathrooms anyway ? You weren't going to hold dinner parties in there ,
or go jogging , yes Michael was used to and by now satisfied with his
small bathroom . However it always seemed to need decorating , he just
needed to open the window more often and let the steam out . Michael just
loved to wallow in the bath like a Hippopotamous , he had a radio on the
windowsill so he could listen to Heart FM while he shaved and bathed and
watched the spiders . There were spiders galore in his bathroom , his
mother always said spiders brought money with them , perhaps snared in
their webs , Michael even looked under the bath behind the panel just in
case the spiders had indeed brought gold with them , sadly all he found
was yet more spiders and their webs .
Years ago at work the offices were tarted up , so new carpet was
laid in the reception , so Michael had begged for the off cuts , and
persuaded Paul Robinson to give him a lift home with it . Once home though
it was late Michael got out some very sharp sissors and laid the carpet in
the bathroom , he'd have a posh bathroom now , no more cold lino for him .
Actually he did make a good job of the carpet fitting , there was some
left over too . Now the bad thing about ordinary carpet in the bathroom is
that it gets manky , firstly because Michael splashed a lot in the bath ,
his mother had always told him off for splashing in the bath since he was
a child , she was afraid the water would leak though the ceiling into the
living room below . He did not have that problem now in his own house ,
why , because he had a concrete floor . So the carpet got wet , due to the
splashing in the bath . Michael was also a bad shot , so he'd occasionally
piss on the floor , when he came rushing home dying for a piss after
having too many shandies . Also if you spill domestos or other bleach on
carpet it changes colour .
As for the ceiling and walls , they needed cleaning and painting
every now and then because of all the steam and Michael not opening the
window often enough . So Michael would go up the road to Fads and buy
five litres of white emulsion for a fiver , then scattering newspapers all
over the bathroom he'd attack the walls and ceiling . He soon got high and
had a headache with all the paint fumes , even though the window was
wide open , the radio was blairing too , he always had music on
constantly , whether he was painting , eating , washing shaving or just
picking his nose . Michael's painting had more attack than finesse to it ,
splash it here , splash it there , quantity more than quality , his father
had always told him to use a small amount on the brush , a tiny amount ,
but Michael always overloaded his brush , paint was cheap after all , a
tin of paint only cost the price of a couple of pints and a bag of chips
after all .
Once finished Michael was splattered in paint , his grey hair now
turned white , his painting clothes , now more paint than clothes , his
watch had a white thumb print on it , his underpants had paint on too ,
for no matter what he did he was always hitching his jeans and
consequently he had paint everywhere . Michael stepped back to admire his
handiwork , but being as the bathroom was so small he bumped into the bog
and ending up sitting on it . "It'll do " was his usual comment , and it
would have too , he couldn't afford a real decorator .A fiver to do his
bathroom , but a decorator would charge 100 times that and take days , it
took Michael an hour and a half tops , he'd finish in time for Star Trek
and that was important , he had his priorities right . So looking at his
splattered watch , Michael gathered up the paint splattered newspaper
which was protecting his fancy carpet . The only trouble though was the
fact that his shoes were stuck to the newspapers , so Michael had to sit
on the bog and pull the newpaper off his shoes , invariably a spot or two
of paint stayed on the carpet . So Michael had rub hard to clean the
carpet , and take his shoes off so that he wouldn't leave footprints
everywhere . "Ah it'll do , " repeated Michael as he looked back at the
bathroom from the safety of the kitchen , he'd then strip off and put all
his painting clothes into the washing machine ,invariably the light was
fading now , so Michael had the kitchen light on , so his neighbours would
be treated to the dubious priviledge of seeing Michael naked and paint
spattered standing in his kitchen .
Star Trek was great as usual , Michael only recognised the
metaphors after the show , but he really enjoyed the show , he'd been
watching it for 30 years now , the original and then the follow on shows .
After his dinner Michael ventured back into the bathroom , "Who needs
decorators , the theiving bastards" . Michael was satisfied with his
handiwork , it'd do till the next time . The next time came , when the
carpet was manky , so Michael threw out the carpet and searched under the
bed in the spare room , thats where he kept the rest of the carpet . As
luck would have it there was just enough to cover the bathroom floor
again.So once more he got out the dangerous sissors and cut the carpet to
shape , and yes he did do a good job of it , carpet fitting he could do ,
it was painting he was useless at . Jackson Pollark , the artist who threw
paint at the canvas would have been impressed by Michael's bathroom ,
anybody else would have said , "was there an explosion ?"
So time passed and the carpet was manky , so Michael threw it out,
so what would he do next ? He hit upon the brilliant idea of painting the
concrete floor . It only took half an hour and then "hey presto" he had a
redecorated bathroom , only he hadn't thought of one thing . What happens
when you paint a floor white ? It shows all the dirt , and it shows up all
the spiders that are not spiders , if you know what I mean . So Michael
improvised , he was good at improvising , 20 years as a computer operator
and he'd leant to improvise , if nothing else . So he painted the floor
blue , that colour wouldn't show up spiders that weren't spiders . And he
was right . He had another problem now , because he'd used ordinary
emulsion , when it got wet , it came off , so soon the soles of Michael's
slippers went blue , and soon the blue was spattered with white , as
toothpaste and soap suds stained the blue floor . Michael perservered , he
painted the floor blue every couple of weeks or so , blue paint was more
expensive than white , but the one tin enabled him paint it ten times or
so .Eventually the walls needed painting again , so Michael thought he'd
try blue on the walls , only it was too dark , he didn't like it , and
more to the point he ran out of paint halfway through . So he went up to
Fads again for white , though he was nearly tempted into buying a soft
coloured paint as it was half price , but after a bit of soul searching he
stuck with white , five litres for a fiver .
Another problem reared its head , if you try painting over a
strong colour , the colour underneath shows through . So on Boxing Day 98
Michael spent the day painting , or smearing as his mother used to call it
, he spent the day smearing two coats of white over the blue . And yes it
did look dreadful . New Years Eve came and Michael's bathroom was covered
in copies of the Telegraph , it was a good read with great coverage , why
just one copy was enough to cover all Michael's floor , he'd have to write
to the editor to thank him . So Michael got drunk on New Year's Eve and
ended up dancing with his friend Dave , Dave being a Helmult Khol look
alike . Once home with a hangover , Michael realised that in the morning
he'd have to give another coat or two to the bathroom . Michael could see
the light at the end of the tunnel , or rather the bottom of the five
litre tin of paint , once he finished the tin , the job would be finished
whether it was finished or not , the job would be finished . He'd had
enough , and he had a massive headache due to the paint fumes .
"Finished , at last , thank God , " yelled Michael , yes he
had come to the bottom of the tin , so finished or not , it was fionished.
So Michael went and watched Star Trek on the satelite . The bathroom took
forever to dry as it was Winter and the atmosphere was cold and wet . So
it was a couple of days before Michael could finish the bathroom
transformation . He found some old curtains he had in his pantry , he had
originally bought them for the kitchen , but once he got them home and
tried hanging them he was annoyed to discover they were too short , so
they had ended up in his pantry on a shelf next to his iron . To his
delight the new curtains were just the right length for his bathroom , and
they were nice and bright too . So what to dod next ? Michael pulled the
panel out from in front of the bath , as luck would have it he had a spare
plastic shower curtain ; so he wrapped the panel in a new shower curtain ,
a flowery pattern on it , and it would match the shower curtain he had
already up . Finally as he had to lay the lino , the lino he swopped a new
pair of shoes for . His brother had some spare lino , and Michael as usual
had a spare pair of shoes in his shoe mountain at the bottom of his
wardrobe . So he got the lino , and his brother got the shoes as a Xmas
present , they had both laughed as they struck the deal during their
regular weekly telephone conversation . Their dead mother would have
approved too , "look after each other" was her motto . There was one snag
though , Michael couldn't find his sissors , so how could he cut the lino?
So he improvised with the bread knife , a flash of the knife here , a
flash of the knife there , it was hard work , he was soon covered in sweat
but after 45 minutes he was finished . So he just had to slip the freshly
covered bath panel back in position . So kicking it back in position ,
Michael had finally transformed his bathroom . Michael stepped back to
admire his handiwork , accidently knocking the bread knife down the toilet
but he didn't hear the splash , as the radio was blaring out a Nat King
Cole song "Let there be Love" . Michael looked at his freshly painted
bathroom , walls and ceiling had been painted , new bright curtains were
hanging down , and the lino was new and bright too , he had even put a
layer of plastic and newspapers underneath to act as insulation , and he
had a little mat too that he could step on when he got out the bath . Yes
it was an utter transformation , the best it had looked in the 12 years
he'd lived there . All this activity had made him really hungry , he'd
bought a loaf from the bakery , an old fashioned big tasty loaf , all he
had to do was cut it into big slices , now where had he left the bread
knife ?
End
Padre Pio and Me ©
By
Michael Casey
It’s a contradiction in terms immediately , how can I copyright a Saint . A brand
new saint at that . I first heard of him through some Religious reading I did . I feel
embarrassed to admit it , but I am a practising Catholic , its not fashionable to have
any Faith but its mine so I admit it . Immediately the prejudice begins , but if I
WERE A Jew or a Muslim , it would be the same . I do feel that my catholic tastes have
given me a broader outlook on life , as has my eclectic tastes and rubbing shoulders
with a wide variety of people .
But I want to talk about Padre Pio . I had a crisis and was reading about him at the
time , so I said my prayers to him and the way forward was revealed . Though Padre Pio
always says go Higher , he is just a stepping stone on the way to a better place .
What is so hard to understand about Padre Pio is how he suffered . He had the slings
and arrows of outrageous fortune . Condemned by his own superiors , made to be quiet
for a decade and so forth . Science Fiction teaches or rather amuses us about Time
Travel , but with Padre Pio it really happened , he wanted to share in Christ’s agony
so he thought , what if he too could have and suffer the wounds on that day of
Crucifiction . So it came to pass that he suffered for 50years . He had the indignity
of medical examinations and of being thought just to be a mental patient , but his
work and life proved his holiness .
So it’s nearly 1990 and I hear about him and read a few books , its hard to understand
the value of suffering in this age of quick fix pain killers and the lets have a fix ,
whatever the fix might be , sex, drugs and rock and roll or whatever . Its like
suddenly studying again after years of lying fallow , the learning curve is enormous .
So too is it with Padre Pio , the idea behind his life is enormous , but so too is the
capacity for love and help .
My favourite story is how Padre Pio explains that The Wedding Feast at Cena happened
because Jesus could not refuse his mother . Very Italian , or Irish or Spanish and so
on , but could any of us refuse our mothers?
So I thought more about what Padre Pio said , and his motto of Pray Hope Don’t Worry
became my own . Carpe Diem is another good motto but perhaps this can be used by any
Hedonist , or other kind of selfish person .Padre Pio reminds us to pray and that pray
is not wasted , its perfume that is never wasted is a phrase I like . My mother always
used to say that if you couldn’t sleep you should say the Rosary , and she was right .
Though in todays world an hour on the Internet or with MTV might do the trick .
So why the devotion to Padre Pio , I’ll cut to the chase.
My mother died suddenly but peacefully in her sleep , my brother tried CPR , but she
was gone . Imagine the angusih amongst her 6 children and her husband of nearly 50
years . All except me , my mother had said no tears when she go ,so I never cried , I
was the odd one out .I know how prayerful she was , so I had no need of tears .
Eight bare weeks later my brother , the same brother heard our dad fall out of bed ,
so he ran to his bedroom . My brother was facing the exact same situation , he tried
CPR , the ambulance was called , an injection was given straight to the heart . On
weekends there is a doctor in the ambulance , so Luck , if that’s the word was with us
. The next day 4 of my brothers and sisters came around to tell me the news . When my
sister had come around 8 weeks previously I knew somebody was dead but I assumed it
was my dad , he’s die first we all thought . So now 8 weeks later it was his turn to
die .
At the hospital dad was given 1 week to live , I cried like a baby , worse than a baby
, but I loved him , so I told he he should go to our mother and not hang on if he
didn’t want to . The next day I was in my sister’s house crying , we picked hymns for
his funeral .Yet my father survived , 19 patients on a heart ward , 18 died my dad
survived . Padre Pio was beseiged by my prayers , I put Padre Pio’s photo under his
pillow . Dad lost his mind , he was in Dudley Rd for 3months , 12 weeks , more than
half of them all tubed up . His life hanging in the balance . At the same time
somewhere in Florida another man was at deaths door , he was a totally stranger to
me , I didn’t even know his name , I’d never met him , he was give 24hours to live , a
Chinese man from Shanghai was at deaths door . The Chinaman survived .My dad’s memory
was totally wiped , he did not know who I was, I’m your son was greeted with , am I
married . I was the favourite son , he did not even know me . But still we prayed ,
it’s a feeling in your guts , just like when you are nearly killed as you cross the
road , its in your guts and in your heart , Jesus save my dad , Jesus save my dad ,
Padre Pio help !!! This goes around your head like a merry go around or a kaleidascope
. Finally dad awoke . He said that he can remember hearing the doctor say to wheel him
down to the end of the ward , because he’d be dead soon . At that moment my dad awoke,
and the doctor dropped his cup of tea in shock . No not an instanteous miracle , but
as Dr Singh had said if he were 30years younger he’d have a heart transplant because
dad’s heart was rubbish .
Now , when I told my brother that dad was reading a newspaper he was shocked . His
memory had come back . He knew who we all were .Every day for three months I walked
the corridor at Dudley Rd , the longest hospital corridor in Europe , 1 kilometre long
. Finally he left the hospital , my sister had found a good home for him to live in ,
he was far too weak to live in the family house .
For 3 years dad survived , like a Godfather with all his children making constant
visits . Finally I met my future wife . It was her uncle who had miraclously survived
at the same time as my father . It was her uncle who encouraged us in our love . From
Shanghai to Birmingham .These great men , her uncle and my father never met , but I
know Padre Pio must have helped both of them . Further prayer was needed to bring me
and my wife permanenetly together . A Chinese miracle happened . Now we are wed , we
have a 2year old and please God a healthy second baby in the Autumn . The
improbability of our meeting , plus the fact that both men HAD to live for us to be
married and have a family , this may be a coincidence to some but I know a miracle
when I see one. A miracle is something that makes you feel humble , it makes you know
that God has whispered your name . When I look at my wife , I feel humble . Seeing our
daughter laugh and play also makes me humble as will our new baby.
Then you can look back and know that prayer is like perfume that can never be
wasted , your life has led you to where you are now , yes at times sad and terrible ,
but be humble in the sight of God means something , not just for me , but for all
Believers .
I once stood by the fridge and said to Padre Pio , I give up , you take over , all I
want is to be married , and perhaps have a family , and do something useful with my
life . That was just before my eyes were opened to my wife . I used to say that I got
2 out of my 3 wishes . Perhaps my current occupation is my 3rd wish , or a more
outstanding miracle is waiting in the wings , but as Padre Pio said ,always ask for
the big Grace .Perhaps
we have to be humble enough to deserve it , because I believe it to be a fact that ,
truly great people are humble because they know just how little they really know.
End
Jan 1 2006, 08:23 AM
What If By Michael Casey ©
What if Today wasn't the 1st day of a New Year but the last Day of Your Life.
Who would you hug, who would you kiss, who would you miss.
Who would miss you, do you have a clue, and do you know why?
Would your years of striving to be a good writer/teacher/cop or whatever still mean so much to you .
Would you miss making love in a tent high up in the mountains.
Would you miss a real good coffee and donut on 7th and 4th.
Would you miss the sales where you always bought nothing but shoes, shoes for work. But the fun you had with the
girls was worth it , because pals are fun.
Would you miss Midnight Mass and Silent Night getting home exhausted and late and crying for your late mother.
Would you be too afraid that you'd not meet her again in the afterlife, or would that be the only hope you'd cling too
as you watched the hands on clock sweep around faster and faster.
Would you rail at the world and want to get your gun and shoot those bastards who'd ruined your life in the past ,
even if all they ever did was steal your parking place, or would you be all sweetness and light, dyig peacefully
without a fight.
What would be your parting words, would anybody remember you, small kindnesses remembered and rewarded.
Remember thou art dust and to dust thy will return is the Ash Wednesday phrase
Is that how you want to be remembered?
Or he made me laugh, he made me cry but I was always was happy when he was around , I'll miss him yes , but
I've not lost him because because a laugh lasts forever.
That is my hope, for the start of this New Year and new day, and everyday because we all should live like today is
our last because one fact is certain one day it will be , so make 'em laugh , make 'em laugh, make 'em laugh
Happy New Year from this Comedy Writer Michael Casey
http://groups.msn.com/michaelcasey
What is Prayer ? What is Love? ©
By
Michael Casey
What is |Faith ? We are told in one Bible passage that if a man can do many things yet
there is no Love then man has achieved nothing . I remember this being read at
grammar school at the morning assembly . Sorry if I cannot quote it verbatim . I'd
come home from work and my dad would be sitting down in the living room his dinner on
a chair so he could watch the news , he'd have the first bite raised to his mouth .
I'm not hungry he'd say and offer me his dinner . This is love . Another time ,
another shift pattern . I'd come home at 11pm . Dad would wait up to see me before
he'd go to bed , he'd be up at 5am for his work the next morning . This is the
standard I'm used to , I'll do the same for my own children . Its normal , its obvious
. To me anyway .
My mother used to watch Dallas on tv after she'd fed all her children , one hand in
her apron as she watched tv . Only the hand always jumped in her pocket , she was
saying the rosary while she watched tv . Very Irish , very motherly . Very normal ,
the standard I got used to . Countless mothers the world over do the same . They may
be Christians , they may be of a multitude of different Faiths , yet one thing in
common . Love , love of God , love of family , love of children . And do we thank our
parents for this love ? If we didn't and now our parents our gone , then do we live
with regret all our lives . No , this would be folly . We can thank our parents and
our God by being good parents , by trying to copy the good example shown to us . I met
my wife in the retirement home where my dad lived after his near fatal heart attack ,
which happened 8 bare weeks after my mother died in her sleep . My dad lived long
enough for me to meet/marry and have a granddaughter . As I gaze on my daughter's face
I often say "thank you" . Thank You to God for allowing me a wife and for having a
daughter . An extremely beautiful daughter , healthy and funny . I have to show the
moon to my daughter because she thinks its so pretty , she loves stars too , not yet
22months old and she knows the wonder of creation . As I look upwards and see the cold
beauty of space I know how lucky I am . I know how lucky I am . Lucky enough to cry ,
which I do on occasions . My tears are my humble thanks and praise of God . I have a
family . July 96 , mom was gone , and dad was given 1 week to live . So after 3years
of constant visits to the seniors home I met my wife , my Shanghai China . So yes I
cry in the dark of the night as I look up at the stars . I am a lucky man , because I
had good parents , I know I did . I hope everybody could be as lucky as me .....
well I hope this reads ok , I couldn't think of any poetry , I just hope telling it
plain catches the spirit , the spirit of love . One word , one look , one sigh , one
flicker of the eyes , each of these is a prayer , a deep prayer . A prayer of hope ,
pray , hope and don't worry is a motto I try to live by thats all the advice I can
give
michael
Whats in a word? ©
by
Michael Casey
Whats in a word, is it an an insult waiting to be heard?
Is it a joke between the guys in the bar, looking at the waitress from afar?
Is it something we cannot utter because we begin to stutter?
Is it something that we mutter because our words are from the gutter.
Does the boss deserve our scorn because the low pay leaves us all forlorn?
Do we say nice words but mean the opposite?
Are smiles unspoken words which are really weapons ready to be thrust in the back.
Do we care if we are given the sack, then we'd say what we really want to say, then
the dam would burst
and words pouring out would quench our thirst for justice, words to make us feel
better as we head for the
labour office.
Words of love and words of caring, words of sharing , words bringing hearts closer
together no matter what
the weather .
Words of love and words of war, when we say too much or not enough. IF only becomes
the the last words
on our lips , its our "rosebud" as our spirit floats above.
Perhaps the best words of all are "I just want to be your friend" "love thy neighbour
as thyself"
For me my best words are "I just want to make the whole world laugh"
http://groups.msn.com/michaelcasey
http://groups.msncom/michaelcaseyessays
p.s.Now a good writer would have ended on "love thy neighbour as thyself" but like
anybody who wants to be a writer , they always want the last word themselves, even if
the Lord's words are so much better. I await the avalanche of criticism, but if you
stop for 2 seconds by putting this p.s. WHO'S last words ARE the first word, IN the
beginning.....
Food For Thought
Think AS You Watch TV
By Michael Casey ©
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
As we sit in our armchairs watching the news , do we care what is going on over there , in some place hot , too hot
to think about , or too cold to bear , ice and snow everywhere . Are we just waiting for the sports report , are we
waiting to see was the battle hard or a walkover , did our favourite player score a home run , or 10 touchdowns ,
were the crowd , the audience behind him , did we win 100dollars from the bet we had on the side . In the
interviews after the war was won , were we just watching to see the design on the teams shirt , is that a new logo ,
is that the same logo spruced up . Or is it a new logo entirely , does it make any difference in how the team played ,
or just another million dollars in the owners pocket , paid by us the audience , the fans , just so we can all look so
identical . The reporters are screaming loudly , half excited and half in fear , they want to watch , they want to cover
their eyes , but they are there so they must report . Are they in some arid desert , or in some cold cold place , pain
and fear and hope etched on their face , are they in some war zone , or at the stadium , if all we heard were just
their words , could we tell the difference , do we care , so long as we can switch it all off with our remote control .
Just a little food for thought , you can read my Betting On Disaster at http://groups.msn.com/MichaelCasey
But first a few laughs
PLAYS
Michael G Casey email michaelgcasey@hotmail.com
Battered Husband ©
by
Michael Casey
Opening
A fat man comes down the steps from an airport lounge , he is
carrying
bags , a young very attractive woman is with him . The woman is
carrying a
small vanity case , while he struggles with the bags . They make
there way
to the long stay car park .
Henry:The car's over here somewhere .
He waves his hand , by his voice we know he hasn't a clue .
Tracy:What colour did you say it was ?
Henry:Blue , sky blue - an estate .
After much searching they find the estate car .
Tracy:More like in a state than an estate car to me .
Henry:It's just the weather here , it has been parked for 3 weeks
after
all .
Tracy:I suppose so . (Grudgingly said)
Tracy waits while he fumbles for the keys and tries juggling the
luggage
as he searches his pockets .
Tracy:It might help if you put the luggage down .
Henry:Oh .
Henry puts the cases down , one belonging to Tracy with a "Las
Vegas"
sticker on is put in a large puddle .
Tracy:Look out don't be so stupid , that's my best case and all .
Tracy grabs the case and rests it on the bonnet . Meanwhile Henry
has
found the key but his hand is wedged in his pocket . After watching
him
struggle for a while Tracy helps . She holds the outside of the
pocket
down while he pulls the key out . The pocket is torn by his efforts .
Henry:Oh , never mind you can always sew it for me .
Tracy:You must be joking , I don't sew , I always got a friend to do
mine
Henry:Oh , I didn't know that .
Tracy:We'll find out about each other in time , after all that's
what
marriage is for .
Henry:And one or two other things . (He smirks)
Tracy:Pardon ?
Henry:Yes , my Twinky Pinky .
Tracy is annoyed by this and looks around to see if he has been
heard
before she hisses a reply while giving him a laser look .
Tracy:That's our private , special words , NOT to be used in a car
park .
Henry:Sorry .
Henry opens the boot , loads all the luggage before opening the
drivers
door . Then he leans across to let her in . Reluctantly Tracy gets in
.
Tracy:IF you were a gentleman you'd have let me in first , then put
the
luggage in , or at least held the door open for me . Your
an
uncivilise animal you are .
Henry:You said it was the animal in me that you liked , the first
two
nights before we decided to get married .
Tracy is stunned by this remark then is about to reply when Henry
pulls
off , forcing her into the back of her seat .
We watch as they drive off . (FADEOUT)
We next see them driving through a nice suburb , Tracy perks up .
Tracy:So you live around here ? (EXCITED)
Henry:Yes .
Tracy:They are all very nice houses , is yours - I mean ours , is it
like
that one ?
Tracy points out an absolute mansion , Henry gulps .
Henry:Well er , you will have to wait and see .
Tracy:Go on tell me now .
Henry:No , you'll enjoy the surprise more if you wait .
Tracy:You tease .
Henry:If I remember right you said you liked being teased .
Tracy blushes , for the rest of the journey she points out
houses ,
waiting for his reaction . Gradually the houses are less grand but
still
nice , finally they are in a lower middle class area . They turn
into a
pretty side road , Tracy is downhearted but at least the houses look
nice .
Tracy:Well at least this is a nice cul de sac .
Tracy looks around trying to guess which is her new home .
Tracy:Oh look at that funny little house at the end .
Henry gulps , she does not notice , he drives up the drive .
Tracy:But , but you said you had a nice house . You said you were a
man of
property .
Henry:But I am , please don't cry , everthing will be ok , just trust
me .
Tracy:But you said it was .
Tracy starts to cry .
Henry:You were crying when we first met , after the oil millionaire
left
you .
Tracy:But you promised .
Henry stops the engine .
Henry:Can you open the garage doors for me , then we'll go in and
have a
nice cup of tea , you'll be ok then .
Tracy:You'll explain everything then ?
Henry:Promise . Then we can go to bed .
Tracy:But its only 2pm .
Henry:To sleep off the jet lag .
Henry passes her the keys and she gets out . Opening the garage
doors a
pile of "Sold" and "For Sale" signs fall out . Tracy looks at
him
accusingly .
Henry:Its for my work .
Tracy:What exactly do you do in property ?
Henry:Well I er , lets get inside first , its cold out here after
Vegas .
Tracy:What are all these signs doing here ?
Henry:They are for my work .
Tracy:What kind of work ?
Henry:Property work .
Tracy:What do you do with them ?
Henry:I put them up , and I take them down .
Tracy:So you're a sign man .
Henry:A property sign man .
Tracy:Is that all you do .
Henry:Well property is my main concern .
Tracy:So you don't have an office or your own company .
Henry:I am self employed .
Tracy:A sign man .
Tracy moves out of the garage and trips on a "Sold" sign , Henry
gets out
of the car to help her . She struggles up , and throws the sign at
him .
Tracy:I've laddered my stocking now .
Tracy hitches her dress to reveal her leg , Henry oggles her . Tracy
sees
this so drops the dress and marches off and lets herself into the
house .
Henry starts to move the boards out of the way when there is a loud
scream
from inside , he drops the boards in shock .
Fadeout
We next see them in the kitchen , Tracy has been crying her face is
tear
stained . Cups of tea are in front of them .
Henry:Here have a biscuit they are your favourite .
Tracy reluctantly takes one , but spits it out straight into Henry's
face
Tracy:It's stale .
She looks around the kitchen then starts to cry again . The kitchen
is in
a real state , with paper peeling and washing up still in the sink
from
before Henry went on holidays .
Henry:They cann't be that bad .
Henry tries the biscuits , he quite likes them , so he eats
several .
Tracy:Look at the place though , you said it was beautiful , you
said it
was like a palace .
Henry:Well it is .
Henry looks around then realises that she is right .
Henry:Well it used to be when I used to visit my aunt here .
Tracy:How long ago is that ?
Henry:Not long .
Tracy stares at him though her tears . After a long pause he
finally
decides to tell the truth .
Henry:When I was a teenager .
Tracy's tears flow again .
Henry:But I've been only been here a while I haven't had time to do
the
place up , I do work hard you know I don't have time to fix it
up .
A ceiling tile comes loose and falls on his head . Tracy is
cheered by
this .
Henry:Ok I'll start next week . It will be fun doing it up just the
way
we like it . It will be OUR home , OUR nest .
Tracy:Promise ?
Henry:Promise .
Tracy wipes her tears away . Henry leans across the table to seal
the
bargain with a kiss , only he spills the rest of her cup of tea all
over
her . She jumps up .
Tracy:You idiot , it'll stain my dress , not to mention I could be
scarred
for life . A dancer cann't have stains you know .
Henry:Sorry . Let me wipe it off .
Henry grabs a filthy rag from beside the mountain of washing up and
daps
her down .
Tracy:Thank you . (SARCASTICALLY)
Henry:It's alright , show me your leg are you burned ?
Henry starts to lift the dress , Tracy slaps his face , and storms
off to
the bathroom . She shouts over her shoulder .
Tracy:If I want tea thrown over me and you groping me then I'll tell
you .
Henry:But I was only trying to help .
We hear the sound of her steps up the stairs , then a pause while
Henry
wrings out the rag all over the washing up . Then the bathroom
door is
slammed , several ceiling tiles fall over Henry's head in the
kitchen
Henry:She'll get used to it . It will be nice having a little lady
around
to help with the housework , I bet deep down she's a right
homemaker
Henry starts to clear up the washing left from before the hols , he
has
filled the bowl and is starting the washing up when there is a loud
scream
from upstairs . He drops a plate in fright , then still clutching
the mop
for cleaning cups he storms upstairs .
In the bathroom Tracy is in the bath , she is froze in terror ,
she is
pointing . There is a spider crawling around the edge . Henry sees
this
and gulps as he is afraid of spiders too .
Henry:I'll crush it with this . (HOLDING THE WASHING UP MOP ALOFT)
Tracy:NO , it'll fall into the bath then .
Henry:What shall I do then ?
Tracy:Pick it up and flush it down the loo .
Henry:Crushing would be easier .
Tracy screams , the spider has moved . Henry summons all his
strength and
half closing his eyes in terror he grabs the spider and flushes down
the
toilet.
Henry:There emergency over .
Tracy:Flush it twice , and put some Domestos down .
Henry does as requested . Tracy relaxes now .
Tracy:You are brave aren't you .
Henry:Not really . (HE'S VERY PROUD OF HIMSELF)
Henry stands there not knowing what to do next . After a moment
Tracy is
back to her normal self .
Tracy:What are you standing there for don't you have some washing
up to
do?
Henry looks at the washing up mop in his hand .
Henry:OH yes , your leg is ok ?
Tracy:Yes thanks . (SHE IS HUMAN FOR A SECOND)
Henry:You don't want me to scrub your back?
Tracy:NO. (INDIGNANT)
Henry leaves the bathroom relantly . He stops by the door .
Henry:Is that another spider ?
Tracy:WHERE , WHERE . (IN PANIC)
Henry :Only Joking , Well I'll get back to the kitchen unless you
want me
to wash your back ? (HALF HOPING)
Tracy answers by throwing the sponge in his face . (FADEOUT)
In the kitchen Henry is up a ladder just putting the last new ceiling
tile
in position , he is over stretched up a ladder . Tracy comes in
shaking
her hands to dry the nail varnish .
Henry:Look , one decorated kitchen , aren't you proud of me ?
He holds out his hands expansively . Tracy looks around mildly
impressed
Tracy:You better give that one another push or it'll fall .
She points at one tile . Henry reaches over to give it another push
while
the glue is still tacky . In doing so he over balances and has to
stand in
the sink to save falling . His leg breaks all the crockery and a
splash
lands on Tracy .
Tracy:Fool , look what you've done you've broken all the
crockery . My
mother send it as a wedding present . And you've ruined my
dress ,
I'll HAVE to have another .
Tracy wipes the tiny spot with a tea towel , only to discover Henry
has
been using it to wipe the ceiling glue from his hand . Now the
dress is
really ruined.
Tracy:Oh you idiot , look what you've made me do now . And I think
I've
broken my best nail .
Tracy throws the tea towel in Henry's face , he grabs it and
tries to
throw it back only it sticks to his hand . Tracy storms off , while
Henry
dismounts from the kitchen sink with great effort and much strain to
the
sink . Henry looks around at his handwork and is admiring it when
Tracy
reappears .
Henry:Sorry my Twinky Pinky , but you do like the kitchen ?
Tracy:It's great , really great .
Henry moves closer and steals a kiss , Tracy allows him the one
kiss .
Tracy:I've got to go out now - to buy a new dress , can you let me
have
some money ?
Tracy gives him her most seductive look , Henry is smitten .
Henry:My wallet is on the settee in the living room .
Tracy:Thanks love .
She gives him a lingering kiss before leaving the kitchen ,
after a
moment she returns .
Tracy:Just one more thing love , could you start on the living room
next ,
p l e a s e .
She gives him another kiss , Henry would climb mount Everest now with
just
a washing line as a rope such is her persuasive powers . Tracy pulls
away
from him , while Henry is still catching his breath the front
door is
heard being slammed shut . A tile floats down onto Henry's head
(FADEOUT)
Henry is in the newly decorated living room when Tracy comes in
she
starts to inspect his work .
Tracy:Not bad , not bad at all . But now it makes the furniture look
bad .
Henry:How do you mean ?
Tracy:Well the room looks good , very good even but the furniture
doesn't
match . It's like Stepoe's now , the furniture .
Tracy looks around the room from furniture to walls and ceiling ,then
back
again .
Henry:It's not that bad , besides how do you remember Steptoe ,
have you
been lying about your age my Twinky Pinky .
Tracy:I don't need to lie , I'm twenty-four .
Henry:But the furniture is ok .
Henry moves towards Tracy . and gives her his best "five year old"
look ,
hoping she won't make him buy new furniture .
Tracy:I'm sorry but we must have new furniture , after all you do
want the
best for your family .
Henry:Family ! You're not , we're not ?
Henry looks anxious and pleased .
Tracy:Certainly not . WE won't have a child till I am ready to hang
up my
dancing shoes . I've got another audition soon .
Henry is visibly upset
Henry:Oh , but about the furniture can it wait a while , I mean
money is
tight .
Tracy:You said you were loaded when I met you .
Henry:Well I was , I won the holiday and spending money on the back
of a
slimming magazine . I was in the dentist's at the time and it
must
have been the first time ever the magazines weren't ten years
old .
Tracy:Be that as it may , WE must have new furniture .
Henry:But where do I get the money from , do you want me to rob a
bank ?
Tracy is stumpted for a while , she looks around the room , then
she
cuddles up to him , getting close for the kill . Henry is pleased
that she
is close to him . Tracy allows him to kiss her , she looks at the
room as
they embrace then she pulls away suddenly . Her plan is formed .
Tracy:I've got it !
Henry:Got what ! (SLIGHTLY ALARMED)
Tracy:You are really quite a good decorator .
Henry:Oh thanks . (COYLY LIKE OLIVER HARDY)
Tracy:You can go out and decorate in the evenings when you come
home . You
can start on the neighbours then move further afield .
Henry:But I'm not good enough .
Tracy:You'll learn by your mistakes .
Henry:But I'm tired when I come in .
Tracy:So am I after my dance practices and my jogging and my squash
and
all the reading I do .
Henry:But the furnitures ok there's no need for it , you could make
covers
if you really don't like the furniture any more .
Tracy:You are forgetting one thing , I DON'T sew , if you love me
you'd do
it .
Tracy puts on her best sad face , Henry gives in .
Henry:All right then but don't complain if I'm to tired to talk .
Tracy:You're not much of a talker anyway , You don't even read , I've
read
over 100 Barbara Cartland books . You do promise though ?
Tracy looks him in the eye , giving her little girl lost look .
Henry:I promise .
Tracy kisses him and allows him to enjoy himself , he is
getting
overheated when she pulls away .
Tracy:That can wait till later , you can take me out first .
Henry:Do we have to go out first ? (ALMOST PLEADINGLY)
Tracy:Yes , and I want to be surprised too .
Henry:Alright then .
Henry grabs her by the arm and they leave the living room . (FADEOUT)
We are in the living room when there is a sound of a car pulling
up ,
doors banging and raised voices . Tracy storms into the living
room
putting the lights on . She throws herself into an armchair and
sulks .
Henry enters the room .
Henry:So you didn't like the Bingo ?
Silence . Henry looks at his shoes and plays with the car keys .
Henry:I thought you'd like it , we could have won some money for the
house
to buy new furniture with . Or to save for some rainy day or
for
when we have a family . If only you'd have waited the National
Game
was on in a couple of minutes .
Tracy screams and reaches down beside the armchair and picks up a
book and
throws it at him . It hits him a low blow , he snatches at the book
and in
his anger is about to throw it back but thinks better of it and puts
it in
his coat pocket . WE DO NOT SEE THE TITLE
Henry:Oh please Tracy , talk to me , I am sorry I just didn't think .
Tracy:That's your trouble you don't think .
Henry:I'll start the decorating . (HOPING FOR A GOOD REACTION )
Henry moves closer to where she is sitting . Tracy is silent for a
moment
for a while . Then still with her back from him she speaks .
Tracy:Promise .
Henry:I promise .
Tracy:Good , because while I was pretending to be at the loo at
that
horrid bingo place , I rang Mrs Toomey to say you'd start on
her
living room tomorrow evening .
Henry:You sly bitch .
Tracy:If you're going to swear at me then I'M off to bed and if you
ever
swear at me again then I'll go back to mother .
Tracy storms off past Henry , he is left standing in the living room
alone
,patting his sides in despair he feels a lump , he remembers the
book ,
taking it out he looks at it , it makes him smile so he puts it
back in
his pocket . (WE DO NOT SEE THE TITLE , PERHAPS THE COVER IS
DOGEARED)
Suddenly there is ,a call from upstairs .
Tracy's Voice:Well I thought you were going to surprise me !
A smiling Henry races out of the living room , the camera stays there
but
we hear Henry .
Henry's Voice:Come to me my "Twinky Pinky"
Then we hear giggling form Tracy . (FADEOUT)
A paint smattered Henry comes into the kitchen , a fistfull of
money in
his hand .
Henry:Mrs Toomey paid me , look .
Tracy looks up from the remains of her meal , her eyes widen at the
sight
of the money .
Tracy:Great I saw a nice three piece in that new furniture shop in
town .
She grabs the money and counts it .
Tracy:Not bad for three evenings work .
Henry:Hard work .
Tracy:Yes of course dear "hard work".(SHE IS STILL LOOKING AT THE
MONEY)
Henry:Don't I get a kiss .
Tracy:Of course dear .
Tracy pouts but holds her body away , she doesn't want paint all over
her.
Tracy:Well this will be the deposit , the other oe900 you can pay off
over
a year . It's interest free credit so I know you'll approve .
Henry opens his mouth to say something but decides better of it .
Henry:Any food my Pinky Winky , I'm famished after all the decorating
.
Tracy:Oh sorry I thought you'd go down the chippy , I could cook
you
something only I'm due at the squash club . Besides you could
do
with losing a bit of weight .
Henry:Do you have go to the squash club couldn't we just have a nice
night
in ? We could cuddle up in front of the fire .
Tracy:We can do that as soon as the new furniture is here . Thanks
for the
money though ; by the way can you start on Mrs Johnson's
tomorrow .
Tracy gives him another peck and is off , before he can complain .
Henry
heads for the fridge which is almost empty , he finds three fish
fingers .
Henry:Looks like fish fingers AGAIN . (FADEOUT)
In the living room the new furniture has arrived . Tracy looks happy
she
is watching Dallas , Henry tries to speak but is hushed till the
credits
role .
Tracy:Yes dear , what were you going to say ? (OFF HANDEDLY)
Henry:Well , as we have got the new furniture and I'm making a bit
with
the decorating do you think we should think about children ?
Tracy:I don't know about that , I mean I cann't work while I'm fat .
Henry:But you hardly work as it is , you just practice .
Tracy:I worked in Las Vegas didn't I , who knows what might happen .
Henry:But you only stood in for a few weeks when your friend was
sick
while you were out there visiting .
Tracy:You know how to offend me don't you , and after all I done for
you .
Henry:I'm sorry .
There is a painful silence , then Henry puts his arm around her .
Henry:Didn't you say we'd have a cuddle in front of the fire once the
new
furniture was here ?
Tracy:Did I ?
Henry nibbles her ear , after a while Tracy responds . As they
embrace we
hear Tracy say .
Tracy:Don't leave any marks I've an audition tomorrow . (FADEOUT)
We see Tracy in the kitchen with the ironing board out , she is
ironing a
leotard - badly . Henry comes in covered paint .
Henry:I've never seen you iron before .
Tracy:I don't normally , Mrs Toomey does it I pay her a fiver a week
to do
ours . Only she's out . (PANICY)
Henry:I didn't know that .
Tracy:You don't know everything . (RATTY)
Henry:You having trouble ?
Tracy:Yes , I've got a stand in job at the last moment only I need to
iron
this .
Henry:Can I help you . I've done my own for years - I'm quite good .
Tracy:You ! (SURPRISED)
Henry:Move over and watch an expert .
Tracy:Wait ! You are covered in paint .
Tracy grabs a pinny and sticks it around him then makes him put on
rubber
gloves too .
Tracy:Ok . Do your best , its really important to me .
Henry irons like a true natural . Tracy is amazed and jumps up
like a
school girl to kiss him .
Tracy:You've saved my life .
Henry:I should iron all the time if I get such praise .
Henry hugs her again , Tracy is so relieved that she allows this .
Then
looking at the kitchen clock over Henry's shoulder she pulls away .
Tracy:I must dash . See you .
Henry:I'll wait up for you .
Tracy leaves the kitchen clutching the ironed garment . After a
moment she
returns .
Tracy:I've just thought , if you are so good at ironing its silly to
pay
somebody , I mean it'll save oe250 a year . Oh don't bother
waiting
up I'll be too tired .
With that she leaves the kitchen leaving Henry in his rubber gloves
and
pinny staring at the ironing board . (FADEOUT)
Henry comes running into the house and into the living room where
Tracy is
reading a Jackie Collins . He is fit to burst with his news . Tracy
just
hushes him and carries on reading , hissing at him .
Tracy:Wait a bit I've nearly finished this . You don't know what it's
like
finish a really good book . (SARCASTICALLY)
Henry:Actually I am reading a book , the one you threw at me .
(MUMBLES)
Tracy:Oh do shut up I'm trying to concentrate .
After a while she has finished the book and she switches the tv on .
Henry:As I was about to say - I've won some money on the
bingo .
Tracy appears a little interested .
Henry:oe200 to be exact .
Tracy:Well at least we can use it to buy a new bed . Ours has one
cracked
leg already .
Tracy holds out her hand for the money , so Henry goes over and
places it
in her hand . She gives him a peck , Henry wants more but he is
pushed
away .
Tracy:Cann't you wait till later there's a film on I want to watch
now .
Henry:I suppose I'll have to .
Tracy:You won't like this film its a Fred Astaire one .
Henry:I may as well do the ironing then .
Tracy:Yes do that and don't burn my knickers like you did last week .
Henry:I'll try not to .
Tracy watches the tv as Henry heads off for the ironing . (Fadeout)
The next day Henry is sitting in his car a sandwich box on the
passenger
seat and a book open over the wheel .
Henry:She never shows her feelings , I think I'm a skivy sometimes .
He reaches into his lunch box and takes out a sandwich under the
sandwich
is a note , so he opens it .
Henry:"You burnt my knickers again , so buy me some more" (READ
ALOUD)
What does she except with those ones , she does insist I
iron
everything , even her most delicate stuff .
He is about to put the note down when he sees the P.S.
Henry:"P.S. You can choose the colour as I only wear them for you -
love
Twinky Pinky"
Henry smiles and puts the note in his shirt pocket next to his
heart .
Henry:There are some compensations for being married to her , even
though
I am always tired - what with all the decorating and the
ironing .
It would be nice to have a family though but she says she not
ready
yet she just wants to try being a dancer for a few more years
yet .
He finishes his sandwich then with a sigh pulls out and drives
away
(FADEOUT)
Henry is is the living room doing the ironing while watching the
snooker
when Tracy bursts in wearing sports gear.
Tracy:You've got to help me Henry , you've just got to .
Henry:What's up ?
Tracy:I was at the squash club when I had a game with this man ,
only he
turned out to be the owner , only I didn't know . Well I beat
him ,
then he told me if I could beat him again he'd give me a job .
Henry:But what about your dancing ?
Tracy:I'm getting to old now , I mean I'm 25 next month . Besides we
need
the money if we're going to have a new roof put on the house
and
have it rendered .
Henry:What new roof ? I didn't know we were having a new roof .
Tracy:Well we have got to have one and new wiring . Especially if we
have
a family .
Henry:You mean , you , I mean us , I mean you , I mean a baby .
(EXCITED)
Tracy:Certainly not , I'm not ready for wrinkles yet !
Henry:Oh . But how can I help ?
Tracy looks at her watch then starts to undress , while walking out
of the
living room and into the hall with Henry following .
Tracy:We haven't much time , we will have to hurry .
She is trailing her clothes behind her .
Henry:But but but what has this , us , well Twinky Pinky how will
this
get you a job ?
Tracy:By you washing and ironing while I have a bath .
With that we see her knickers thrown in Henry's face as she
dashes
upstairs to the bathroom . Henry picks up the other items of sports
wear
and heads back for the kitchen and his washing machine . He is
stopped in
his tracks by a scream .
Tracy' Voice:Help there's a spider ! (SCREAM)
Henry:Pick it up and flush it twice and don't forget the Domestos .
Tracy's Voice:Help , Help , Help oh please my Tumble Tum .
Henry's ears prick up on hearing "Tumble Tum"
Henry:Just a moment Twinky Pinky I'll get the new improved domestos .
We view Henry dash from the hall then return with a giant Domestos
and the
washing up mop ,then dash up the stairs .There are sounds of battle
with
the spider then we hear the voices again , all heard while the
camera
views the hall .
Tracy's voice:Tumble Tum , my hero .
Henry's voice:Twinky Pinky .
Tracy's voice:Tumble Tum you are so brave .
There is silence for a moment , then an enormous splash , some
water
trickles down the stairs . Then there are giggles . Then silence .
Tracy's voice :This would be much more fun if we had a jacoozi .
(FADEOUT)
Henry comes rushing in all excited , he finds Tracy as ever in
front of
the tv watching Dallas , with a Jackie Collins open besides her .
Henry:I've won again , look I've won .
He holds out a wad of notes , he is smiling from ear to ear .
Tracy:Hold on a minute , JR is about to win at Blackjack , there
he's won
$50,000 .(SHE POINTS TO THE TV) Now how much did you win ?
Henry:oe500 , look ! (HE WAVES THE MONEY ABOUT ) .
Tracy:Very good dear , you better give it to me , its just enough
for a
microwave I saw the other day , I'm not saying your cooking is
bad
but a microwave will help it I'm sure.
Henry hands over the money , Tracy puts it in her book and closes
it ,
then she resumes her religious observances (ie.Watching Dallas) .
After a
while Dallas ends .
Tracy:Well I better be off to bed then , there's nothing any good on
the
box nowadays and I've read enough for today . (SHE GETS UP
AND
SWITCHES OFF THE TV) Goodnight Henry , and try not to wake me
up
when you go to bed .
Henry:All right then , I suppose I may as well do some ironing then .
Tracy goes to bed , Henry goes and does some ironing . We time
lapse to
show that he has done a load of ironing (Mainly Tracy's) He has the
book
that Tracy threw at him on the ironing board he reads as he irons.
There's
a cry of "Henry , oh Henry I'm bored " from Tracy upstairs .
Henry goes to the foot of the stairs and shouts
Henry:I thought you were going to sleep .
Tracy's Voice:But I'm not tired enough .
Henry:Try reading a book .
Tracy Voice:Oh Henry . (PLEADINGLY)
Henry looks to heaven in despair and turns back to go to the
kitchen to
resume his ironing , but a call stops him in his tracts .
Tracy's Voice:Oh Tumble Tum , Twinky Pinky needs you .
Henry:England expects that every man shall due his duty . (MUMBLES)
Henry races up the stairs .
Henry:Tumble Tum to the rescue .
We next see Henry and Tracy in bed after Tumble Tum has done his duty
.
Henry is smiling but in a state of shock , Tracy has her back to him
and
is reaching for a book to read .
Tracy:Perhaps I'll finish this book before I go to sleep .
Tracy starts to read ,Henry is still in a state of shock , after
reading
for a while and turning over to the next page Tracy looks over
her
shoulder at Henry .
Tracy:Haven't you got something better to do ? Such as the ironing .
Henry:What dear ? (STILL IN SHOCK , THOUGH IT IS HAPPY SHOCK)
Tracy:Aren't you going to finish the ironing ?
Henry:What dear .
Tracy:The ironing . (SHE TURNS OVER TO FACE HIM)
Henry:Oh the ironing . (HE SAYS THE WORDS BUT DOES NOT UNDERSTAND
THEM)
Tracy:Go and finish the ironing !
With that she kicks him out of bed and as he staggers away she
resumes her
reading . We hear Henry croak "I'll just finish the ironing" , then
from
the view of Tracy still reading we hear a crash as he falls down
stairs .
Henry's Voice:It's ok I'm fine . (FAINT AND IN PAIN)
Tracy:Sush , I'm at the climax now .
With a flourish Tracy closes the book and switches off the bedside
lamp ,
in the background we hear Henry moaning (Fadeout)
Henry is in his car with the book across the wheel and his sandwich
box on
the passenger seat .
Henry:I won on the bingo again and what does she do , she takes the
money
and buys a microwave . (HE IS UPSET)
He has another sandwich before continuing with his "Self Lecturing" .
Henry:I think she takes me for granted , after all I do for her ,
well I'm
not going to stand for it any longer , I'm going to tell her
that
I'm the man about the house and its about time she played the
woman
and did some housework and had some kids . I'll be drawing my
old
age pension before she decides she's ready for kids . Well
things
have to change and change now .
He closes his lunch box defiantly . Then pulls out sharply , all
the
"sold" signs rattle in the back . In voice over we hear him say .
Henry's Voice:Yes things will change ,but first I'll post my pools
coupon
I'll have to stop off at the lingerie shop too - I
burnt her
knickers again . (FADEOUT)
Henry comes running into the house all happy, Tracy is waiting for
him in
the kitchen .
Tracy:What do you think you are playing at ? Look at this mess in
here .
Henry has not done the washing up , the ironing is not done either .
Henry:But , but I can explain I have some great news . I've won some
money
Tracy:That's no excuse . I've off to the squash club now and if this
mess
is not cleared up then they'll be trouble .
Henry:But I've won some money .
Tracy:Good , hand it over then .
She holds out her hand .
Henry:I haven't got it yet , but its a lot . I'll know how much in
a few
days , we can start a family now .
Tracy:Don't be disgusting , I'm not getting all wrinkled up at my age
.
Henry:But Twinky Pinky . (PLEADINGLY)
Tracy:Don't you Twinky Winky me , just tidy up this mess . And if
you've
won so much money then we'll carpet the spare rooms , its the
last
day of the carpet sale tomorrow . So you can pull up the old
carpet
tonight then we'll get the new one fitted tomorrow .
She walks away in triumph , Henry is left open-mouthed . Tracy
suddenly
turns back .
Tracy:One other thing , try not to burn my knickers with the iron .
Henry:I'll do my best .(DEFEATED) (FADEOUT)
Tracy comes back to the house late , she goes into the kitchen for a
glass
of milk only to find all her knickers burnt , a iron shape on each .
She is livid .
Tracy:Henry , where are you horribly little fat slob ? (ENRAGED)
She searches for him but does not find him , in a state she does to
the
bathroom and slams the door . We hear her inside pouring the water
for a
bath then getting in .
Tracy's Voice:I'll ring his neck the idle good for nothing , he'll
give me
blood pressure he will , and after all I've done for
him .
Downstairs the front door slams open and Henry , a very pissed Henry
comes
in carrying a shoebox .
Tracy's Voice:Is that you Henry , is that you ?
Henry:Yes Twinky Pinky , your lover , your husband , your Twinky
Pinky is
home , I bring great gifts for you , I'm rich , I'm so very
rich .
Tracy's Voice:You sound so different , so manly , (PAUSE) are you
drunk ?
Henry:Yes drunk with your beauty , with your charms , with your
love .
Tracy's Voice:If you're drunk then you can sleep on the settee .
Henry climbs the stairs cradling the shoebox and busts into the
bathroom
Tracy screams .
Henry:Behold I bring you a present .
Tracy:I've got seventeen pairs of shoes already . You don't think
I'm
going to forgive you for burning my knickers just for a bribe
of a
pair of shoes . And I bet you haven't pulled the carpet up .
Henry:But these shoes are special .
With that he lunges forward and nearly falls in the bath as he opens
the
shoebox . Out pour lots of spiders .
Tracy:NO , NO , PLEASE NO .
Henry:Don't you like your present Twinky Winky , Tumble Tum spent
hours
looking for them .
Tracy has a screaming fit , then grabbing a towel she jumps out of
the
bath and heads for the bedroom , In getting out of the bath she
knocks
Henry in . So a drenched Henry follows her along the corridor and
hammers
on the bedroom door .
Henry:It's me , Tumble Tum Your Lord and Master . Haven't you got a
kiss
for me , my little Twinky Winky .
Tracy's Voice:Go away you horrid man , you burnt all my knickers
then you
frighten me to death with those spiders .
Henry:But I'll make amends , come I'll pull up the carpet , come
and
watch .
Tracy's Voice:Go away you horrid little fat man , go away .
Henry is enraged he knocks the door off its hinges and drags her
out of
bed . He takes her to the spare room .
Henry:Look I'll pull up the carpet .
Henry pulls up the carpet , he stands heaving and sweating and
glaring
looking at Tracy .
Henry:Satisfied ? (SHOUTED)
Tracy:You are a silly little fat man , I don't want to see you ever
again
She turns her back on him and adds over her shoulder .
Tracy:Your treatment of me tonight is possible grounds for divorce .
Henry:Divorce but I'm your husband .
Tracy turns to face him .
Tracy:You are a monster .
Henry:Monster am I , then I'll behave like one .
With that he lunges at her and throws her to the ground . Tracy
cowers not
knowing what he'll do next . There is an pause for a moment then
Henry
rushs for her or so it seems . IN fact what Henry does in roll her
up in
the carpet then carry her downstairs while she is screaming all the
time .
Henry then takes her and the carpet out of the house and throws his
burden
into a skip that is over the road . Then he goes back inside the
house .
(FADEOUT)
We next see Henry Watching the TV with the remains of a good meal
on a
tray besides him . Henry now sports a moustache , there is a book
beside
him , he's been reading the same book for ages . Tracy comes into
the
living room , she is all fawning , she clears up his tray . Then
like a
flunky she waits to be allowed to speak .
Henry:Just a moment , I've nearly finished this book .
He closes the book , finished he is very proud of himself .
Henry:What was it Tracy ?
Tracy:Well I've got little Henry back to sleep and I've fed the twins
, so
I was wondering , well you know . (SHE PAUSES) . Twinky Winky
wants
her Tumble Tum . (COYLY)
Henry:You have ironed my boxer shorts ?
Tracy:Twinky Winkly has done everything O mighty Tumble Tum .
Henry looks at his watch , before he answers .
Henry:Match of the Day is not on for a bit so Tumble Tum is the man
that
likes to say YES !
Tracy:Oh Tumble Tum !
Henry:Oh Twinky Winky !
We pan back from the settee and just see garments being disgarded ,
and
Henry throws his book away .
Henry:And you said I'd never read a book .
Tracy:And I said I didn't want children .
Henry:I think we should try for 15 then we can have our own rugby
team .
Tracy:I'm not having more than 6 .
Henry:Let's try for 15 but only have 6 .
Tracy:You are naughty .
Henry:Naughty but nice .
To the sounds of giggles we pan back , we now see the one book Henry
has
managed to read . It is "Battered Husband" by Michael James . We
pan out
further till we see the outside of the house , there are 3 Rolls
outside
the registraations are "Tracy" , "Henry" and "Battered Husband" .
To sounds of Tracy and Henry the credits roll .
WE COULD DO WHAT JERRY LEWIS DID IN ONE FILM AND PAN OUT EVEN
FURTHER TO
SHOW THE CREW BUT PERHAPS THAT WOULD TAKE THE JOKE TOO FAR .
The End
Michael G Casey email michaelgcasey@hotmail.com
Betting On Disaster ©
By
Michael Casey
Opening
An office with one wall covered in tv monitors from floor to
ceiling , in
front of that is a large desk/counter . There are phones and
intercoms on
the counter plus an array of buttons . Almost a directors gallery but
not
quite . There are three men seated in front of the counter , Mark ,
David,
Terry , besides them is an empty fourth chair .
The first Mark ,who is in his late twenties, in front of him are
some
yeast tablets , there is also a body building magazine , though he
is no
body builder himself , he is very fashion consious .
Next is David , much older he has half moon glasses on , beside him
is
a battered thesaurus , he is doing a crossword , he is wearing
clothing of
a high quality though they would be more suited for Basil Rathbone in
an
old Sherlock Holmes mystery . He looks up at the monitors
occasionally he
is only half interested , he has seen it all so many times before .
Then Terry who is fat and spotty , his fashion sense may have been
buried
with the crock of gold , its lost somewhere over the rainbow . He has
the
remains of several Whimpys in front of him , along with paper cups of
half
drunk coffee . He is reading the Sun , there is a colour photo of
"little
Sammy Fox" , he spills food over the picture and picks it up , he
belches
as he does so.
A very old man with waistcoat and gold chain enters he is leading a
new
recruit .The recruit is all crew cut and collar and tie , he is fresh
from
university .
George:This is your new boy , he'll be taking my old position .
David :Thanks George .
Mark :We hope he's as good as you were , I mean are .
George:Were is the correct word .
Mark looks embarrassed by his lack of tack .
George:I'll still be here a while longer till my retirement .
Terry :What's he called ?
Frank :I'm Frank .
David :You look a bit young to me , have you just finished your
finals ?
Frank :Yes , I only left Strobeford a month ago .
Mark :Is that one of the new ones ?
David :Yes it's the newest one in Cambridge , it was founded with the
money
from the Aids Vacine back in 98 .
Terry :You any relation to the Strobeford's .
Frank :Lord Strobeford was my uncle .
David :That explains it then . His best friend owns this outfit .
Terry feeds his face and though a mouthful of chips adds .
Terry :Crossover nepotism .
David :The very thing .
George:I've got other errands to run so I'll leave you to it .
George slowly leaves , dragging one side of his body , he's had a
stroke .
Mark :Thanks , George .
Frank stands not knowing what to to . So Mark motions him to sit in
the
spare seat .
Mark :Its quite straightforward really , we watch all the satelite
feeds
as they come in ,then we speak to the tv stations by this
equipment
Mark waves his hand expansively .
Mark :We give them a mix of sport , sensation and human interest .
Terry :Earthquakes and volcanos and plane crashes and fires in
skyscrapers
Mark :People getting married while they parachute from 30000 feet .
Terry :People finding long lost relatives after searching for years .
Mark :I always like those stories , its my soft spot .
Terry :He has other soft spots too , but I shouldn't mock the
afflicted .
David :Very occasionally we give them news .
Mark pushes some paper over his "body building " magazine ,before
resuming
his "induction speech" .
Mark :All human life passes before us and we help share it with the
world
Terry :I have to admit I like the reunions after many years of
separation,
especially when the shock and the excitement gives them a
heart
attack .
Terry breaks into laughter , Mark scowls , Frank looks ill at ease .
David
looks up from his crossword .
David :It always strikes me as ironic how something which people
crave so
much is their undoing for a finish . If they only stayed
happily
ignorant then they'd be alive . Instead they search for years
only
to die of a heart attack when they meet their relatives .
Terry :But think what great tv it makes !"Father found after fourty
years"
then the added bonus , "Father dies in the arms of a daughter
he
never knew" , and the pictures of a daughter in tears chasing
the
ambulance only to be dragged back by customs - now that's what
I
call really good tv .
Mark :You always gloat Terry .
Terry :But its true .
David :It is true , though Terry does dwell on the sensational aspect
.
Mark :Well Frank that's about it ,if you watch us at work you'll
soon get
the hang of it .
Frank :Thanks .
Frank sits down at his place a little unsure . So Terry leans over to
explain.
Terry :See the screens marked 1 to 20 , well each of these buttoms
will
transmit the pictures , all you do is push the button at the
same
time pressing the other set of buttons .
Frank :Could you show me ?
A light flashes at Frank's position Terry leans over and presses
before
speaking into the mike at Frank's position .
Terry :CL communications here , what do you want ?
Voice :Can I have some soccar from Brazil ?
Terry looks up and scans the screens , he then presses the button to
match
the picture then presses the "phone" button again .
Terry:They are coming now .
Terry then turns back to Frank .
Terry :See its easy . Press one lot to answer ,then press tv
button ,then
press answer button again . The computer does the rest . I
forgot
to say there's an ear piece to so you can pick out the sound
for
the feed you're viewing .
Frank :Seems straightforward .
David :Occasionally we ring them and tout the services , there's a
list on
a pad besides you .
Frank :You're not very busy now are you ?
Terry :Not really , but when the sports results come in then we get
very
busy .
David :People don't want news , they want entertainment .
Frank looks at the monitors , there is a mixture of sport and
disaster on
the screens , then in a corner on its own he sees another monitor .
Frank :What's that ?
Mark :That's Northern Ireland , we don't get much call for it
nowdays .
David :Most of it is fed straight to West Africa . It's the only
foreign
news they can afford . Andingi Shatola is the world expert on
the
"100 years War in Northern Ireland" .
Frank :You all seem pretty blase about things
David :We've seen it all before that's all , news is the same as
history
- it repeats itself .
A burp from Terry rings out .
Mark :And so does Terry .
Terry :You're quite the little wit today aren't you .
David :Please don't start or you'll give the lad the wrong
impression .
Frank :But you must get excited every now and then . Seeing things
happen
live .
Terry :It's all the same really , bad news spreads fastest , always
has
and always will .
Mark :Except Royal Births , King Harry's triplets a few years ago
caused
a sensation , and we got the news first .
David :I have to admit that the appetite for Royal news is amazing .
On one of the many screens a volcano is seen errupting . Mark watches
open mouthed . He puts the volume up so all can hear .
Reporter:Here at the base of Mount Saint Helens we can see a plume of
red
hot ash and fire bursting skyward trying to touch the
sun .
Mark :That's a bad one , though it does look very pretty like a
Turner
painting in some strange way .
Terry :I wonder how many are dead or injured or covered in red hot
ash
like the Romans at Pompeii. (HE IS EXCITED)
David :Thanks for saying Romans its given me the last answer
for my
crossword .
David looks up from the crossword to see the disaster at Mount St.
Helens
David :They shouldn't call it a mountain anymore , way back in 1980
over
1500 feet was ripped off by a volcano , then in 99 another
2000ft
went . Its just a hill really .
Terry :But it still spits death and shakes the earth with gigantic
hicups
Frank :This is the first time I can remember it errupting .
David :Shows your age doesn't it .
Mark :I'll send this to everybody then .
Mark starts pressing buttons at his position , he silences the
reporter as
well .
Terry :See how Mark did that , Frank , well you do the same .
A scene of blood an mayhem appears on one screen , Frank flinches ,
Terry
puts the voice on broadcast .
Reporter:Behind me is the stomach churning sight of yet another
victim of
the Cambleforth crusher . This person , for police have yet
to
establish the sex , will be the seventh victim of the crazed
man
who has struck so much terror into the North of England .
Terry :Brilliant I just love a good who dunnit , the real thing is
so
much better than Agatha Christie .
Mark :I bet you'd love to be there , smelling the blood .
Terry :Of course I would ,I haven't been stuck behind a desk all my
life
David :What never ceases to amaze me is that its always the North
that
produces these mass murderers ,I know the North is not a
nice
place to live in , especially after Sellafield exploded and
fell
into the sea , but if you don't like the area you can always
come
and live in the south , providing you are not radioactive
and do
have a job to go to .
Terry :I bet this killer is a wrestler or an American football
player ,
he has to be , the first thing he does is crush their ribs
then
Mark :I think we can do without the details . Besides its boring
now .
Frank :How can you all be so callous , so detached , its real
people not
robots you are talking about . People's fresh and blood ,
not so
many lumps of meat hanging on a butchers hook .
Reporter:Police say they still don't know if more than one person has
been
killed , such is the carnage .
Terry :I'll send that to the Far East , they love Agatha Christie
too .
Frank looks on disbelieving as the other three scan the pictures and
press
their transmit buttons . One one monitor a picture of a little boy
appears
Frank watches with interest , we hear that report .
Reporter:Paulo Caltonat , was out playing this morning when he did
not
return his parents went and looked for him , all they found
was a
shoe .
The child's mother appears holding the shoe .
Reporter:Then the family dog started to bark , they found the child ,
but
were unable to rescue him , he was trapped down an old
well . It
was 8am then , it is now 1pm . For five hours he has been
trapped
Terry sees Frank staring at the rescue picture so he nudges David .
Terry:I bet you a dinner at Diablo's that they get the boy out by the
time
we finish tonight .
David looks at the picture for a second to judge the events .
David:The kid will die .
Terry:The last time we had one of these the kid lived .
David:This time he had no breakfast so he'll be hungry sooner and in
that
heat .
David shakes his head , Terry looks uncertain .
Terry:Well a bet's a bet , It'll brighten up our day anyway .
Mark :Sometimes I think you two are real bastards .
David:News people are bastards.(SAID MATTER OF FACTLY , AS IS ALL HE
SAYS)
Frank turns to them , he's only just noticed they have been talking .
Frank:It's bad that isn't it ? I hope the kid gets out .
Mark :Of course he will . (OBVIOUSLY LYING)
Terry:He'll suffer but he'll get out .
David:The kid's had it .
Frank is really shocked by David's matter of fact attitude . He
glares at
him .
Frank:How can you say that , don't you want the kid to live ? Haven't
you
got any feelings ?
David:I'm a media man , I have no feelings , the number of times I've
seen
death and destruction . (SAID MATTER OF FACTLY)
Terry:Murder and mayhem . (SAID WITH RELISH)
Mark :Suffering and suicide . (SAID QUIETLY)
David glances at his "echo" before continuing .
David:It no use having feelings they get in the way , you're not
paid to
have feelings , ok stuck here you can have the odd sniffle if
you
like , but the lads at the sharp end cann't afford to do that .
Terry:They have deadlines to meet , planes to catch , satelites
moving out
of position .
Mark :Or even mule trains to catch .
Terry:Do remember old Johnnie Campelton , he once used a carrier
pidgeon
to get some film out .
David:Didn't he win an award for that .
Terry:Yes the Kodak News Award . One or two tried copying him after
that ,
only the natives in some famine ate the pidgeons .
David:I remember now , that must have been twenty years ago .
Frank shakes his head in disgust , he looks back at the monitor .
Frank:The kid's fallen further down the well . They're going to get
some
pot-holers to go down after him .
David:It looks like dinner will be on you Terry , and don't forget
dinner
includes a good bottle or three of wine , the 97 is a good
vintage .
Terry:It's not over yet , besides I heard the 96 was a better vintage
.
David:We'll have one of each then .
Terry:Suits me , seeing as you'll be paying , I've heard they're
calling
in a mining engineer to help .
David:That's not on the feed .
Terry:I've plugged into the radio service .
David presses a few switches then listens intently to his earpiece .
David:I still say the kid's had it .
Frank:You're a pair of absolute bastards .
Terry:That's one of the more polite things we've been called .
At this point old George comes in carrying mugs of coffee , he places
one
at each position , a fifth mug he has for himself .
George:Coffee's here . How's the world today lads ?
Mark :There's an interesting human interest item .
Terry :A kids fallen down a well .
David :The kid's a gonner .
Frank :These bastards are betting on the outcome .
George:They've been doing that as long as I've know them .
George looks at Frank as they sip the coffee , George fingers the
chain of
his pocketwatch , the chain has trickets hanging from it , one could
be a
cross . Frank is glued to the rescue attempt .
George:How long has the kid been trapped ?
Mark :A few hours , since breakfast their time .
George:So he'll be hungry .
Terry :And thirsty .
David :And he's slipping further down the well . At least one good
thing
can be said of it all .
George:What's that ?
David :I'll be having a really good dinner tonight .
David lights up a really foul cigar .
Frank :I need some air .
Frank storms out .
Terry :I don't think the kid has the stomach for the job .
Mark :Perhaps he's a non smoker ?
George:I better be off then , I've got my rounds to do .
David :Thank's for the coffee , its the only good news we can
gaurantee .
George walks away giving a backward glance at the rescue of child on
tv .
George:I hope the kid'll be ok . (MURMURS)
David:I think Frank will have to start to grow up or he won't last
long
here .
Mark :Come on give him a chance , it took me a while to get in the
swing
of things .
Terry:I still think you're a bit of a softie .
Mark :I still care if that's what you mean .
David:But at least you control your feelings ,this Frank will be a
nervous
wreck by the end of the day .
Frank returns , he has washed his face .
Frank:Any other good stories ?
Terry:There's been a spillage of chemical waste in Sommerville .
Frank:I know Sommerville my father has a place a few miles from it .
Mark :Is it a nice area .
Frank:Very quite place , though there is a new town nearby and the
old
quarry has the chemical works , you cann't actually see it .
David:You can now there's a cloud hanging over the entire area .
They all look at the pictures from Sommerville , a cloud in the sky
and
people closing all doors and windows , some driving away
Frank:My girlfriend lives in that cottage , luckily she's away .
David:It doesn't look too bad , we have one a month nowdays .
Terry:The Europeans think GB stands for Grimey Bilge , what with all
the
crap we import .
David:It was worth oe80 billion to the economy last year .
Mark :But what about the environment ?
Terry:It doesn't matter it all goes to the North , well past Oxford
anyway
Mark :It's that attitude that killed all the seals off back in 88 .
David:I heard the World Wildlife people say there were over a 1000
pair
now , so that's not too bad .
Terry:What's wrong with a few species dying off anyway
Frank:You all sound like the pundits down the pub , nothing
really
matters so long as the price of a pint stays reasonable .
Terry:You forgot to mention so long as the head's not bigger than
the
pint !
David:I cann't abide pubs that do that , its a cardinal sin .
Mark :I hate unwashed glasses myself , I mean you never know what you
may
catch .
Frank:You really are the most selfish lot of bastards I've ever met .
David:Oh do grow up , cann't you tell when we are joking .
Terry:I wasn't joking .
Mark :I was only half joking , well- unwashed glasses ARE
unhealthy .
David:Can we get back to work , looks like a major crash on Brazilian
railways .
They all stare at the scene , bodies everywhere and a mangled mass
of
trains and track .The reporter speaks , David puts it on the tannoy
so all
can hear.
Reporter:Here in Santa Jorge we witness a scene of utter carnage , a
train
appears to have hit a petrol tanker that got stuck on the
level
crossing ; the train , a local train was full , it was
market day
David:That Jenkins is a real good actor , he looks as if he IS really
concerned for the people .
Terry:Isn't he the grandson of the late great Peter Jenkins .
David:The very same grandson .
Terry:The top journalism prize is the Jenkins , didn't John Jenkins
get
it too ?
David:Yes , that's why this David Jenkins is trying so hard to live
up
to his father's and grandfather's reputation .
Terry:Like you say he is a good actor .
Mark :Oh I know him , he did actually try to be an actor before he
went
into this game .
David:Only his acting has improved .
Reporter:The scene is one of utter devastion with human remains
littering
the area , the smell of death hangs over like a dark cloud ,
this
dark day will never be forgot .
Mark :I thought he'd break into Shakespeare then .
Frank:I don't believe you , of course he's touched , I am and I'm
miles
away , a whole continent away .
Terry:Really? (GENUINELY SHOCKED)
David:You've a lot to learn then . We've all seen it all before ,
hundreds
of times , you get used to it , it becomes routine .
Terry:Boring even .
Mark :Years ago people were shocked when a Pope was shot , even us
,but
times have changed so much .
Frank:I don't think I want to become like you .
David:Then you're in the wrong job .
Old George comes in and hands a message to David .
George:The boss wants to know how Frank is doing .
David:What's he want me to do , write him a bloody school report .
Terry:Just say "He shows promise for the future , once he gets used
to the
working environment he will be a welcome addition to the team "
.
Mark :You must have a degree in bullshit .
David:Just say he's settling in nicely .
George:Ok .
George looks up at the pictures of the train disaster , he nervously
plays
with the chain to his pocket watch .
George:That's a bad one . There must be people trapped inside too .
David:There always are in these cases .
Terry:Better off if they died judging by the look of some of them .
Frank:These ghouls think the reporter on the scene is pretending
to be
moved , they say he's acting so he can get the "Jenkins"
award .
George:It used to be called the "Michael Burke" award when I was a
lad .
David:Who's Michael Burke , even I cann't place that name .
George:You're making me feel ancient now . As for young Jenkins
though , I
hate to have to say this but he IS acting . Look at his eyes ,
and
haven't you seen him glance at his watch all the time .
David:I was about to tell him that , Jenkins is hurrying so he can
meet
the deadline for the next satelite feed .
Frank looks more closly and he has to agree with them . George pats
Frank
on the shoulder then leaves ,as George leaves he glances at the
scenes of
destruction on the monitors .
Frank:You're right then , but somebody must care , they MUST .
Mark :Old George does , but it got him nowhere it just left him
drained
and worn out .
Terry:You have to restrain your feelings or else you are left dried
out
like a prune , you must be professional .
At that moment one screen lights up with the "Miss Striptease
Results"
Terry:Bloody Hell look at the tits on her .
David:The rest isn't too bad either . (SAID MATTER OF FACTLY AS
USUAL)
Mark :So much for the restraint .
Terry:Wait till the "Body Builders" come on then we'll see about
restraint
Frank:I thought we were a news channel ?
David:This is part of the results service . The Miss Striptease
is 50
years old , it started when people got fed up of the Miss
Beauty .
Mark :I saw a video about that at the library , it was very quaint .
Terry:All" I want to meet people , look after animals and old people
and
above all be happy" .
David:They didn't mention the fact" favours" were offered .
Terry:And gratefully received !
Terry laughs like a drain , David chuckles softly . Mark looks
embarrassed
They all resume their work for a while . Until there is a space
report .
David puts it on the tannoy .
Reporter:Today will be the 30th landing on Mars , all is expected
to go
well though everybody will be holding their breaths , for
as you
may remember the last landing ended in disaster when the
crew of
ten all died when a retro rocket misfired and so caused a
crash .
The crew on the Mars settlement are also hoping for a
safe
landing as due to the previous disaster their return home
has
been delayed by two years .
David:I'd forgotten all about that , its just like clockwork .
They all press their controls to send the pictures everywhere .
Terry:Oh I remember the crash the last time , it was really good ,
I've
got it on tape at home in fact . I watch it whenever I
have a
a hangover , I get so excited I forget my headache .
Mark :I bet you've got tapes of "Miss Striptease" too .
Terry:Of course , the space striptease ones are the best though .
Terry laughs like a drain .
David:It's still seems odd that with all the progress in space we
still
don't have many woman up there .
Frank:I like all the harmony there is in space .
The other three stare at him .
Frank:You know Russia , America , Japan and Australia all cooperating
.
David:Am I hearing things ?
Terry:No he really did say it .
Mark :I know I was a triffle naive when I started but not that much .
Frank:I don't care what you cynics say , I think it's nice , it shows
the
true human spirit .
Terry and David exchange looks .
Terry:Go on David you tell him .
David clears his throat before he speaks .
David:Many many years ago there was an accident at a Nuclear
reactor ,
this was before fision and fast breeders were commonplace .
The
place was called "Three Mile Island" in America , then a few
years
later a real disaster occured at a placed called "Chernobil"
in
Russia . I call it a disaster , nothing compared to when
Sellafield
fell into the sea or when Minsk was wiped off the face of the
earth.
or when Los Angeles just dissappeared .
Terry:The Americans didn't mind about L.A. as they call it because as
they
said at the time "We've Lost Aids" . As Aids was rampant in the
city
then , the vaccine not being yet discovered .
David:To continue , these civil nuculear accidents showed
the
Superpowers, as they were then called , what the world would
look
like if they ever used their arsenals . So they decided to
reduce to
10% of what they both once had . So they then had a surplus
of
rocket fuel , so it was decided to head for Mars . It was of
mutual
benefit and prestidge . The Russians spent the money saved
not on
guns but on American grain so it worked out well for
everybody .
Terry:The Japs always wanted to go into space but wanted a partner ,
so
when one night a drunken Australian P.M. said Australia would
go
to the Moon and then beyond , while at a reception at the
Japonese
Embassy , the Japs showed it on tv .
David:The P.M. couldn't back down , so Australia and Japan joined
forces .
Frank my boy , its got bugger all to do with harmony , it just
plain
bloody sense , its cheaper than the arms race and once this
planet
is finished , which will be in 200 years at the rate we're
going the
Yanks and the Russians want somewhere else to go . As for the
Japs
its an adventure , and the Australians will do anything for a
laugh.
Terry:It was the Australians who started the space striptease before
the
tv companies bought some timeshare on a supplies vessel .
Frank:Your joking .
Terry:Staight up . An Aussie was in space , when they beat the West
Indies
at cricket so he got pissed on Australian Champagne , as did
his
female crew . It ended up in the first space striptease , and
nine
months later two of the Japs gave birth . The Aussie and his
two
wifes and children went to live on the statelite relay station
on
the dark side of the moon .
Mark :I bet you've got tapes of that space first too . (DISGUSTED)
Terry:Of course , its antique footage worth a bit no doubt ,
but I
wouldn't sell .
Mark :A true collector . (SARCASTICALLY)
On one screen an update of the trapped infant appears , Frank puts
it on
the tannoy.
Reportor:Sadly it looks as if the trapped infant has given up his
fight
for life , he's made no sound for two hours now . The rescue
will
continue but it looks as if there will be no rejoicing when
it is
over.
On the monitor the picture move from the reporter back to the
mother
clutching her child's shoe .Frank lowers the volume , he sheds a
silent
tear for the dead infant .
David:Well Terry it looks like dinner is on you .
Terry:You win some , you lose some .
Frank looks at them in disbelief , then he storms out .
Terry:What's the matter with him .
David:He won't last the week .
Mark :I better see if he's ok .
Mark gets up and heads for the door . Terry shouts after him .
Terry:He's got a girl friend already , you won't get a look in .
David:It never ceases to amaze me how naive the youth of today are .
Terry:They've got no backbone at all .
On one screen an update of the chemical spillage at Sommerville .
David:It looks like the chemicals were much more toxic than first
expected
Terry:They always lie when something happens .
David:They started flying the stuff in when locals blockaded the
roads .
Terry:It's progress no doubt .
Frank and Mark return , Frank has washed his face .
Mark :Did we miss anything ?
Terry:Not really , the chemical spillage is worst than they
admitted .
David:But that's par for the course , but who care's anyway -its up
North.
Mark :I suppose you are right .
Frank shakes his head in disgust .
Terry:Do you want to go double or quits ?
David:You mean for two dinners ?
Terry:Why not its been a boring day so far .
David:What's the bet ?
Terry scans the screens .
Terry:I say they'll be at least ten dead at Sommerville .
David:Your pushing your luck .
Terry:The weather report says its windy so they'll be a wider
spread .
David:Does this bet include deaths caused by panic as well or just
direct
poisoning .
Terry:Well I thought you'd give me a chance and include the indirects
too
David:I'm a fool to myself but you're on ,it has been a slow day
after all.
Mark :Cann't you to give it a rest , you can see the boy is upset .
David:Dear me , you're not going soft on us are you , after all this
time
Mark :Let's just say I have some tact .
Terry:Bollocks .
David:Don't say that word you'll excite him . (DRYLY)
Terry:You're right there .
Mark turns his back on them in disgust
David:So the bet is on . I'll put it on all the screens , there
should be
two or three crews up there .
The screens now all show Sommerville with a poison cloud over it .
Frank looks at the pictures with a heavy heart .
Terry:Look there's an ambulance .
David puts the volume on tannoy for that picture .
Reporter:Here at "The Haywaine" there has been an unfortunate death
.An
aged couple hearing of the alert tried to leave their
cottage ,
sadly the man , a Mr John Demkin , while helping his
wife
downstairs tripped and broke his neck , his wife also
fell
breaking her pelvis . She was still alive when discover
by a
policeman who had come to help evacuate them . She died of
shock
shortly after hearing that her husband of sixty years was
dead .
Terry:Two down eight to go .
David:Sixty years married , you only get thirty years for mass murder
.
Mark :I think its sweet being married for sixty years .
Frank:I know them . (HE SAYS QUIETLY)
Terry:Not any more .
Frank is in shock now , he hasn't got the strength to answer back
David:It looks like the usual story , pretend there is no emergency ,
then
admit there is a slight problem .
Terry:Then say the problem is just a little worse than anticipated ,
but
still no cause for alarm .
David:Then before the ink has dried on the press release its bingo .
Terry:Total disaster .
David:And where did we leave the emergency plans , does the kit
still
work ?
Terry:There is a silver lining - it makes great tv .
David:Always . (HE'S GETTING BORED NOW)
Mark :I just heard on a radio feed the Cambleforth Crusher has been
caught
Terry:Was I right , was he a wrester ?
Mark :No but , he was in an American football team . Only he got
kicked
out when the trainer found him with his wife , the woman set
him up
just to annoy her husband .
Terry:Don't tell me all his victims look like the trainer and his
wife .
Mark :Yes . You always spoil the fun , you should have let me spin it
out.
Terry:I would normally , as you are so good at spinning things out ,
but I
am only interested in this poison cloud for the moment .
Mark :You really like the way I tell things . (HE IS FLATTERED)
Terry:Of course . (OFF HANDEDLY , HE IS CONCENTRATING ON THE SCREENS)
David:You do brighten the day for us , everything is oh so
predictable .
Mark is really flattered , he is beaming with pride . We look at
them in
turn . Mark his ego boasted , David bored , Terry on edge over the
bet ,
Frank in the depths of sorrow . Old George comes in with coffee and a
pile
of food for Terry .
George:How's things ?
David:Terry is afraid he'll have to stand me two dinners .
George passes out the coffee and leaves the tray by Terry . Frank
awakes
slightly from his torpor , he picks up his coffee and sips it .
George:You betting on the poisoning ?
Terry:Only another eight deaths then its David who will be buying
the
dinner . An old couple have died already .
Mark:They are playing double or quits .
George:It looks bad . What's the matter with the boy .
Mark:All this is too much for him , he knew the people who died too .
George:Oh .
George goes over to Frank , he gives him a reasuring pat on the
back ,
then before turning to leave he looks from Mark to David and Terry
then
back to Frank , then to the screens , reporters jostling to film
the
bodies of the old people being put in the ambulance . George looks at
his
pocket watch then leaves the room , still clutching the watch .
David:What's this .
On the screens a police car has hit another car . Both are mangled .
Terry:They look dead , the bodies haven't been moved yet .
David:That's another three dead .
Terry:No another four , look there's a toddler in the back .
The reporter on the screen speaks .
Reporter:We came across this scene while on our way to a local
hospital.
The camera moves around the scene , we see all the dead clearly .
Reporter:There is nothing we can do for them , so we'll carry on to
the
hospital .
We see Terry smiling now .
Terry:That's six then , it looks like dinner will be on you . As
I'm
feeling generous instead of two dinners for me on two nights
I'll
let Mark come with us
Mark:That's good of you but I may be doing something else tonight .
David:Not washing your hair ? (QUIETLY)
Mark:Pardon ?
David:You're not wasting a change to eat at my expense ?
Mark:Oh all right then I'll come .
Mark picks up the phone and a hurried conversation ensues ,
before
slightly flustered he puts it down .
Mark:It's all settled I'll be going out with you two .
Mark tidies the phone and edges it away . David and Terry exchange
smiles.
Terry:That's so long as another four die .
Mark:I almost forgot that .
David:It looks like the reporting teams are all heading for the
hospital.
Terry:Deathbed gasps and hands clutched in love as one "half" dies .
Mark:Those things still bring a tear to my eye .
On the screens we see three victims swathed in bandages and tubes .
Reporter:These three men were at the chemical company when calamity
came .
David:Sometimes I wish they'd cut the alliteration , it sounds as it
he is
describing an old John Wayne film - "Calamity Came" .
Terry:That's quite good that "Calamity Came"
Mark:Look , I think those three are going to die .
The three watch as the screens show the men in their final death
throes .
The reporter is moving forward looking for an exclusive interview
when the
worker literally dies on him . The reporter is seen mouthing "Oh
shit" in
his disappointment . So the reporter does not try to interview the
other
two . He switches to an oration .
Reporter:As we stand here behind me these brave men fight their last
brave
fight . The struggle for life itself , but it is all in vein
, we
can hear them gasping for breath , choking for air ,
clutching
the hands of the nurses in one last desperate act of
gratitude .
We look back at David and the others again .
David:Well that is nine , one more and the dinner is on me .
Terry:That reporter should go into politics he is so corny .
Mark:It's true what you say but I still find it touching .
They notice Frank still clutching his coffee , he is at breaking
point ,he
is glaring at the screens .
David:You can leave if you want to Frank.
No reply from Frank .
David:You can leave now if you like Frank .
Terry:Yes go , you just aren't suited for this .
Mark:It's not everybody's cup of tea .
Frank:Perhaps I should .
George comes in at that moment .
George:The old man wants to know if you lot are on strike ?
David:We'll be back to normal soon .
Terry:As soon as I win my bet .
There is a rush of activity on the screens , a body is rushed in
on a
stretcher .
Terry:Looks like number ten and dinner is served .
Reporter:This young girl crashed her car when she swerved to
avoid an
ambulance . It does not look good .
The nurses on screen cut away the clothes of the girl and a heart
shock
machine is wheeled forward . We hear Terry say "God what a body ,
what a
waste" . We see the face now .
Frank:Jane ! Jane ! Jane ! (SCREAMING)
David:What's the matter with him ?
Mark:It cann't be his girlfriend he said she wasn't there .
One the screen we see the doctor applying the shock , the girl's
body
flinches . We see Frank again .
Frank:Jane ! Jane ! Jane !
Terry:I think it is his girlfriend . What a waste , what a body .
At
least I get dinner .
Frank jumps up and begins to throttle Terry , on the screens
behind
another shock is given to the girl . The body of the girl jumps ,
then the
doctor listens for a pulse . Frank stops to look . As he loosens his
grip
on Terry he sees the doctor shake his head . The girl must be dead .
Frank:No , No , No Oh God No .
Frank moves forward and touches the face of Jane on the screen .
As he
strokes her hair on the screen a sheet is slowly brought over her
face .
Frank screams "You Bastards" and punches one of the monitors.
There is a loud bang and flash , everthing disappears .
We are now outside and two maintainance men are forcing the door
open .
1st Man:The breakers tripped out , all the teams are screaming blue
murder
all the satelite feeds have gone dead .
They open the door to the room David and Co were in . Only it is
covered
in cobwebs , as the maintainance men enter a dove flies out .
On the desk are three Toby jugs each has a face , David , Terry and
Mark
to one side is a cracked statue of an angel . The men move to a
breaker
switch , before they get to it the lights come on . They hear a
loud
chuckling . Outside in the corridor is George , it is him who is
chuckling
He is looking at his pocket watch . We see it clearly there is a
cross on
the chain , and a Star of David and a little Budda and a little
sword .
The face of the pocket watch has Father Time on it . The maintainance
men
look after George they are about to question him when he disappears
as he
walks down the corridor . We hear news reports from offices down
the
corridors . All is good news .
The End
Michael G Casey email michaelgcasey@hotmail.com
Guardian Angel ©
by
Michael Casey
Opening Scene
A bus stops at a stop a blind lady gets off , the bus moves off
leaving her trying to cross a busy road.The traffic roars by
nothing wanting to stop.We see a very large Hells Angel
approaching , meanwhile a car spatters the blind woman with mud
it had been raining earlier so there are puddles.The biker gets
nearer and sees the old blind lady having difficulties.So he
slows and stops.Getting off his bike he walks towards the blind
lady.As he stands next to her a shaft of sunlight bounces off
his visor into the unseeing eyes of the blind lady , he pushes
the visor back then speaks.He is about very big and towers over
the blind lady , there is a skull and crossbones on his helme
Rob:Can I help you?
Hanna:Thanks luv , could you cross me the road , they don't want
stop even for this.
She waves her white stick.
Rob:Oh I see , sorry I mean I understand.
Hanna:It's ok luv , just give me your arm.
Rob offers his arm , he places the blind lady's arm on his.
Hanna:My you are a big lad , so strong just like my old Sid God
rest him.
Rob:Er , yes.
Hanna:Just accross the road will be fine , though with all the
traffic noise its hard to concentrate on where I'm going.
Rob:I'll take you where you'r going if you like?
Hanna:If you could its only down the road , the big blue house
with the nice flowers in the front garden.
Rob:Ok then.
They set off down the road towards the big house.Looking down
the road towards their destination we see another woman she has
just left the house they are heading for.This woman is about
sixty , with hair up in a bun , she is wearing a silk dress
and immitation pearls , she has a copper braclet on he right
arm , a fob watch is on her cardigan.She is annoyed about
something , she crosses the road without looking , traffic
stops suddenly to avoid her.She looks looks back at the house
she has just left and shakes her head she is swearing , though
we don't hear her.She goes into a block of newly constructed
flats.Just in view we can see a sign saying "Another Lington
Development for the Senior Citizens".
Rob and Hanna arrive at the house , it is very imposing with
a large front garden , you could easily park two estate cars
by the front door.Rob rings the doorbell.
Rob:I'll be going then.
Hanna:No you must come in and have some tea.
The doorbell opens anther old woman appears.
Julie:Yes can I help you?
Hanna:It's me Julie.
Hanna emerges from behinh the large form of Rob.
Julie:I didn't see you there , your boyfriend is so big.
Hanna:Oh you tease , but you are right , feel his arm muscles.
Rob is embarrassed as the two old ladies start to feel his
arm muscles.At this moment a passing police car stops ,the
P.C. had casually looked out of the window to see what
looked like two old ladies struggling with the large biker.
The Pc. arrives breathless , expecting the worse.
Pc:Whats going on here then?
He has his finger ready to radio for help , his grip firm
on his trunceon ready to use it if neccessary.Rob is much
bigger than the Pc.
Julie:Its ok officer , this young man is with my friend.
Hanna:What do you want officer?
Pc.:You are ok?
Hanna:Yes , this young man has been an angel he crossed me the
road, the traffic is terrible.
Suppressing a smile the Pc. answers
Pc.:There are road works on the high street , so all the
traffic is coming down this road.
Looking at one then another of the ladies then back to Rob
after casting a glance inside the open front door the Pc
says.
Pc.:Well if you are sure everything is ok?
Julie:Positive.
The Pc.'s radio bursts into action , so answering it the Pc
dashes back to his car , giving one final backward glance
at the unlikely trio.It then starts to rain.
Hanna:It's raining , make him come in for some tea Julie , its
the least we can do.
Hanna looks up at Robs face , her eyes unseeing.
Rob:I suppose it would be nice ,but what about my bike its in
way.
JUlie:Go back for it now , there's plenty of room for it here.
Rob dashes back up the road for his bike , then roars
into the driveway.Over the road a curtain twitches on a
second floor flat , we see the lady in pearls having a
nose.Rob leans his bike against the wall of the house then
the trio go in.With a final twitch the woman in pearls
puts her curtain back in position.We see her mouth "The
Stupid Bitch" .
Inside Julie takes Hanna's arm and the three walk
down a hallway to a sitting room.Rob looks all about
he can see that the house is "posh" , there is a
stairway with a landing half way up it , there's a suit
armour there , there are pictures lining the stairway,
Victorian watercolours.Rob trips over a mat in the
hall as he looks about him.Hanna laughs.
Hanna:Mind you don't fall on the mat , I know where everything
is so I'm ok.
Julie:He was just admiring my little old house.
Rob:Its so so , posh like , just like the tv.
Julie:It has seen better days.
She wipes away a cobweb from yet another picture.
Rob:Its very nice.
Rob continues to look all about him, a slight look of
envy on his face , thwy enter the sitting room.This
has a stags head on the wall and a zulu spear and
shield , more pictures too , cobwebs on them.
Rob:Hey this is really fab , like a museum almost.
He goes around touching things , he sees a silver
paper knife he picks it up and holds it lovingly.
It must look as if he'd steal given half a chance.
Julie: I'm glad you like it please do sit down.
They all sit on a leather settee , which has seen
better days.A small corgi comes in through the
French Windows , it immediately jumps up onto Rob
licking his face.Hanna hears this and laughs.
Hanna:It looks as if Scampi likes him.
Rob pulls the dog off , for a second it looks as
if he will hurt it , in fact he lifts it high in
the air with one hand , as the dog wriggles Rob
starts to stroke it , the dog licks his hand then
Rob places him on his lap , Scampi lies on his
back so Rob strokes his stomach.THe dog moans
its thanks.
Julie:Well while you two get aquainted I'll get the tea.
Hanna:Can I help?
Julie:No , you could never make tea even when you were sighted.
Hanna puts her tongue out as Julie leaves the room.
Hanna: She's been like that all the sixty years I've know her.
Rob:She's very nice , the too of you are.
Hanna:Don't tell her that or I'll never hear the end of it.
Rob:This place is....
Hanna:I know what you are going to say , its posh and Julie
must be rich.
Rob blushes , the dog jumps off his lap and into one of
the arm chairs.Before he can say any more Julie enters
the room carrying a tray with teapot and service on
it.The service is of silver , there are three cups and
saucers on the tray , the best bone china , suqeezed
on is cake and serving plates.Rob's eyebrows shoot up.
Julie:Yes it is real silver.
Rob:I didn't mean to stare , it's just that I'm not used to
this.I mean all I did was cross the road with your friend.
Julie:We were going to have this anyway , besides it is raining
so it makes sence to have tea.
JUlie is matter of fact , she is NOT being blase.
Hanna:What's your name anyway?
Julie:Yes , what is it ? We could call you muscles.
Rob:I'm Rob.
JUlie:I'm Julie and my fat friend is Hanna.
Hanna:See how see talks to me.
JUlie:Well you are fat , you have always been fat.
Hanna:Well I cann't tell , I cann't look at myself in a mirror
can I?
Rob is slightly embarrassed by this arument.Julie winks
at him.
JUlie:Well Hanna as you are blind you cann't see how fat you
are. I'm sure you've put it all on these past few
years
Hanna:Well if I'm fat then you are ugly , I'm just glad I
don't have to look at your ugly face any more.
Rob shuffles on his seat he feels he shouldn't be
there.
Julie:Well I suppose if I wear a blindfold everytime you come
then I won't notice how fat you are.
The two ladies burst into laughter , the tears coming down
their faces.Rob joins in and Scampi barks.
Rob:Are you two always as bad as this?
Hanna:No - worse.
Hanna and Julie desolve into gales of laughter.
Julie:I used to call her "Hanna no knickers" when we were at
school.
Hanna:Thats how we became friends , Julie gave me an old pair of
her
maids.
Julie:Things were quite grand then , the house the gardens
everything.
She gets up and looks out through the french Windows at the
garden , she waives her hand at it.
JUlie:It was so colourful , we even had a pond with goldfish in.
Rob:I saw one like that once , at the Botanical Gardens.
Hanna:Yes it was lovly , I remember it as it was , I'm glad I
cann't
see it as it is now.
Rob gets up and stands beside Julie looking out of French
Window.He can see how delapidated the garden is.
Rob:It is a state.
JUlie:My Wilf , my husband used to look after it.Since he died
though..
She sighs , Scampi runs out into the garden hoping Rob
will
play with him.Julie goes back to the settee and slumps
down.
Hanna puts a comforting hand on her shoulder , all Rob
can
do is watch.He looks from them to the garden , then back
at
them.He licks his lips then speaks.
Rob:I could try and tidy it up for you.
JUlie looks up , she cann't believe what she has heard.
JUlie:It would be good to have it back in shape as my Wilf used
to....
Hanna:Even the smells would be good , I can remember the looks.
Both women sigh and smile , remembering bygone days.
****** We could have a memory sequence of the two old ladies
and
their spouses enjoying a summers tea in a beautiful
garden.
*******
Julie:But you couldn't , I mean imposing on you , a stranger.
Rob:But we don't have to remain strangers.
Hanna:Julie couldn't pay much , repairs to the house eat into her
pension.
Rob:I'll do it for nothing , I like this house , it feels so so -
nice.
JUlie:But I must pay you , not much but I'll pay.
Rob:I couldn't accept money .You can invite me to tea again.
Julie:But , But.
Hanna puts her hand on JUlie's lips to silence her.
Hanna:I'm the blind one but its me who can see the gift horse.
Rob:What's a gift horse?
Hanna laughs , Julie then Rob join in , Scampi barks.
Julie:We used to laugh a lot when we were young.
Hanna:You make us feel young again Rob.
JUlie:And silly.
Hanna:The silly things we used to do.
Julie:LIke riding motor bikes.
Rob:YOU TWO on bikes!
Hanna:We were young once , we weren't born old.
Rob:I'm just surprized thats all.
Julie:We were wild when we were young , Sid and Wilf had to tame
us.
More gales of laugher , Hanna whispers an old secret in
Julie's
ear , Julie blushes.
Julie:Don't you dare mention that.
JUlie covers Hanna mouth to prevent her from embarrassing her
in
front of Rob.
Rob:You two are fun.
Looking out the window Rob can see the rain has stopped , so
he
gets up.
Rob:I better be off then.I have to have a few hours sleep before
the
the night shift.
The ladies get up too.
Hanna:I'll see you to the door.
Julie:We both will , it IS my house , besides your as blind as a
bat.
As Julie leads on she trips over the mat.Hanna laughs.
Hanna:What was that you were saying?
JUlie:You've gone deaf too!
Hanna puts her tongue out at Julie , Rob smiles.
Rob:I'll be off then , I can come back same time next week , then
I can start on your garden.
JUlie:If its not too much trouble.
Hanna: And she'll have strawberries and cream ready.
Rob: Bye then.
Rob puts his helmet on , mounts his bike and is off with a
roar.
The ladies wave him goodbye.Across the road a curtain
twitches,
its the same flat.As Rob goes down the road the Pc sees him
again
turning to a sergeant who is with him.
Pc:What do you make of that then?
Sgt:It takes all sorts I suppose.
One week later
Rob roars up the road into the driveway of Julie's house ,
Hanna
is standing beside Julie .A curtain twitches over the
road.
Rob gets off the bike.
Rob:I'm here then , I'll start straight away.
Julie:You don't want tea first?
Hanna:Yes you must have tea first.
Rob:Its best to work on an empty stomach.
Hanna:Of course , besides you'll work up an appetite.
They go around the back of the house , into the garden.It
is
even bigger close too , than it appeared through the
window.
Julie:I hope I'm not imposing on you.
Rob:It'll keep me out of trouble.
He smiles as he says this ,JUlie and Hanna are mystified
by
this off hand comment.
Hanna:Julie has found a few photos of how the garden used to look.
Julie takes them out of a big black handbag , handing them
to
Rob.
Rob:Very nice , I am no gardener though.
Julie:I just thought it would help you .
Hanna: So you can picture it in your mind.
Julie:If we could get it back to half as good it would be great.
Rob:Well I'll go my best.I'll start by cutting the grass.Then I
could
clear the old pond.
Julie:I found a few tools and things in the shed , I haven't been
in
it since since...
She stops and starts to dab her face , Hanna puts her arm
around
her to console her , they warm back into the house leaving
Rob.
He looks down at the rusting tools , he picks up the syth then
with a shout of "Jeronimo" he attacks the overgrown grass.
Inside Julie has regained her composure.
Julie:He's really attacking the grass.
Hanna:He's grunting a lot too , it must be hard work.Tell me what's
happening.
Julie starts a commentry.
Julie:He's rubbing the sweat away on his sleeve.He started again
now.
He's stopped again now.He's pulling his rugby shirt thing off
.
She falls silent.
Hanna:Go on , go on , I can only hear not see.
She taps Julie with her stick.
JUlie:I don't know if I should tell you , I mean its taken my
breath
away.
Hanna:I think I'm old enough to have my breath taken away.Go on
tell
me.
Julie:Well you know when we felt his arms they were big and strong
Hanna:Yes yes , go on.
Julie:Well do you remember years ago when we went to the circus.
Hanna:Yes yes
Julie:Well hew's just like the circus strongman
Hanna:No never!
JUlie:Yes , he has a hairy chest too and.
Hanna:Yes yes.
Julie:Tattoos.
They both giggle like schoolgirls , whispering things in each
others ears , only to collapse in laughter.
Hanna:Oh we did have fun when we were young.
JUlie:THere's life in us yet.
Outside there is a scream , they both jump up.
Hanna:What is it , what is it?
JUlie:He must have hurt himself.
Taking Hanna by the arm ,Julie leeds her outside.
JUlie:What is it Rob?
Rob:I pricked my finger on a few wild roses growing in the grass.
JUlie:Show me.
Rob shows his finger.
JUlie:I'll get disinfectant and a plaster.
Hanna:You should wear gloves,I'm sure JUlie left some out.
Rob:They were too small.
Julie returns with the disinfectant and a plaster.She tends
his
wounds like a mother does to a child.
JUlie:There thats better, isn't it.
Rob:Thanks.
Hanna:Aren't you going to rest?
Rob:If I attack the grass , once its out of the way the rest will
be
easy.Besides I've started so I'll finish.
Julie and Hanna laugh then go back inside.Rob resumes his
work.
For an hour and a half Rob attacks the grass screaming at it
as he does so.The ladies find it entertaining,it reminds them
of their bygone days.
***** WE COULD HAVE ANOTHER FLASHBACK OF THE LADIES AND SPOUSES IN
THE
GARDEN TIDING IT UP AND PLANTING THINGS.
Rob stacks all the grass in a heap at the bottom , then with
his
sweatshirt in his hand he goes back into the house covered in
sweat and slightly out of breath.
Rob:Well thats that done , we could have a bonfire then the next
time
we can start on the beds and borders then some planting the
time
after that.
Julie:You are so kind , a real angel.
Hanna:You better have a wash before tea.
JUlie:I'll show you the bathroom.
Julie takes him to the bathroom , Rob looks about him the
place
still retains some of its glory.There is a faraway look in
his
eyes.888AGAIN HIS LOOKS COULD BE ENVY OR MUCH WORSE888
Rob returns his hair is wet.
Julie:You'll catch a cold if you don't dry your hair.
She goes out of the sitting room and retuns with a towel.She
throws it at him saying.
Julie:I'll go and get the tea ready , be sure you dry your hair.
Hanna:I'll do it for him Julie.
So Hanna feels for the towel then starts to dry Robs hair,
JUlie returns with the tea.Its a full meal she brings on a
trolley.
Julie:If you can stop molesting that young man , then we will eat.
Hanna puts her tongue out , Rob smiles.They have a really
good tea.With ham and salmon sandwiches and ice cream and
jelly
and cake and tea with cream.
Rob:This is really nice , its like a birthday party.
Julie:Its the least I can do , as you won't accept any money .
Hanna:What's your job by the way?
JUlie:As nosey as ever.
Rob:Oh I fill up the shelves in the hypermarket , at night
mainly.
Hanna:So thats where you get the muscles from.
Rob:I suppose so , I am over six feet three and quite heavy.
JUlie:Whatever you do does not matter , all I can say is you are
a gentleman , helping us so.
Rob:Well its like being on holiday here , its so nice , I like it
here
Julie:Well eat up , its good to see a healthy appetite.
Rob:While we are asking question can I ask you one?
Julie:Certainly.What do you want to know?
Rob:You said last time you time were on bikes.
Hanna:It was in the war , everybody did things they would never
dream of in peace time.
Julie:We ended up a messengers , so we rode bikes.
Rob:Have you ridden since then?
Hanna:Of course not.I couldn't even if I wanted to as I'm blind
as for Julie she's too old and scared.
JUlie:No I'm not scared , and as for age I'm seven months and
two weeks younger than you.
Hanna:You forgot the three days.
JUlie:Days don't matter.
Hanna:Seven mopnths and two weeks do though.
Julie puts her tongue out at Hanna.
Hanna:I may be blind but I can tell when you are scared.
She pauses, then adds.
Hanna:And when you put your tongue out at me.
Rob and JUlie laugh , Hanna just adds.
Hanna:Told you so.
Rob:Its a pity you haven't got a helmet Julie , I could take
you for a spin.
JUlie:Yes it is.
Hanna:Scared thats what you are.
Julie:No I'm not , I just don't have a helmet.
Hanna:Oh yes you do.
Julie:Of course I don't.
Hanna:Yes you do.
Julie:No I don't , I should know what I have or don't have in my
house !
Hanna:Just you wait!
With that shwe stood up , trampling on Rob's toes as she
did so.She leaves the room to return a few minutes later
holing two riding helmets aloft triumphantly.
Hanna:And what may I ask do you call these!
Julie:Riding helmets!
Hanna:Excuses , excuses just because you are afraid and ashamed
to admit it.
Julie:Hanna you get worse.
Hanna:I dare you!
Julie strides across the room snatching a helmet from
Hanna.
Julie:Will this do Rob?
Rob:I suppose so.
Then JUlie drags Hanna outside , Rob follows a smile on
his face.Julie climbs on behind Rob , Hanna touches her
To prove for herself that she is really on.Then Rob roars
off , with Hanna waving at them.Over the road a curtain
twitches.Rob drives around the block , they are spotted
by the Pc. and Sgt. again.
Sgt:They must be on vitamins these pensioners.
Pc.:Is that a proper helmet sarg.?
Sgt:The inspector would throw the book at you if you even
thought of it.
Pc.:Only doing my duty sarg.
Sgt.:Get some experience first sonny.
Pc.:Yes sarg.
After several cercuits around the block Rob returns with
JUlie.She is breathless and very excited.
Julie:Hanna it was great , so fast , the wind in my hair.
Hanna:And up your dress.
Hanna helps JUlie off the bike , rearranging her clothes.
Julie:I feel drunk , like VE. day all over again.
Rob:I better be off now ladies.
Julie:Must you.
Hanna:He must rest before he goes to work.
Rob:I'll be back nmext week , bye.
Rob roars off , the ladies wave him farewell , again a
curtain twitches over the road.Leaning on Hanna Julie
goes inside the house.
Hanna:Your behaviour was not proper , I'm sure I could have seen
your knickers if I was not blind
Julie:Some of us wear them .
Hanna:That was years ago , as a child , I was from a poor
family.
Julie:It was so exciting , I had to hold on tight , it was like
being twenty again.
Hanna:You have no shame.
JUlie:You can talk I saw you drying his hair .
Hanna:Gh you.
They were silent for a moment then they burst out
laughing.
One week later
Rob roars up un his bike , the curtain twitches over the
road.He goes into the garden and starts work.He weeds the
flower beds and trims the borders.After an hour Julie and
Hanna bring him out some iced barley water.THey have a
large jug and a small glass.Rob hands back the glass to
drink straight from the jug.
Julie:My it is thirsty work , he's drinking straight from the
jug.
Hanna:It always tastes better that way , I remember drinking
from the milk jug as a child.My father would laugh, then
I would burp.
Julie:That would not surprize me in the least.
Hanna puts her tongue out at JUlie , Rob then burps.Julie
is disgusted and walks inside , leaving Hanna and Rob
laughing.
Hanna:Well its only nature , she is so snooty sometimes.
Rob:Can you find your way back to the house?
Hanna:I can , its some much easier now all the grass is cut.
Rob:I suppose it is, I've stacked all the grass in the corner of
the garden , we can have a bonfire when it dries out.
Hanna:I'll tell Julie to start on the tea you'll be finished
soon won't you?
Rob:In about half an hour , then next time we can start
planting.
Hanna makes her way up the garden into the house , Rob
resumes his work.Fourty five minutes later Rob finishes
and goes into the house.
Hanna:Your fifteen minutes late.
She is reading the time with her finger on her blind
persons watch( the glass moves on a hinge).
Rob:Sorry , I'll get washed before we eat.
Rob goes to the bathroom , when he returns the table is
set, with best china and all manner of goodies.
Rob:I'm sure the teas get better each time I come.
Julie:Well my father said "always feed the worker".
As they eat they talk.
Rob:I can start planting next time , then if you have a mower I
can trim the grass a bit more , the syth has knocked it down
but
to make it real tidy I need a mower.
Julie:I'll see what I can do
Rob:I'll be off now , I'll see you next week.
Hanna:You are always in such a hurry.
Rob:Oh I meant to tell you , I'm going to Stratford this weekend
with my friends , so I'll bring you back a postcard.
JUlie:Ok , we'll just see you out.
Rob:There's no need I'll go through the french Windows.
Rob gets up and takes his helmet off the settee then
leaves.A few moments there is a roar then he's gone.Julie
looks
at Hanna then speaks.
Julie:He's so helpful I don't know what I'd do without him , my
children are so far away in Australia.They'll only come
back for my funeral.
Hanna:You could always visit them , I heard Australia is quite
civilised nowadays.
Julie:I'm too old to go traipsing all over the world , besides I
have vertigo on a stool , never mind up in the clouds.
Hanna:You are a baby , if I could go to Australia I'd go like a
shot.
Julie:In the olden days you would have been sent!
Hanna:Thats no way to talk to your oldest friemd, just for that
I won't help clear the dishes.
Julie:Thank God for that. (SHE WHISPERS)
Hanna:I heard that , I may be blind but only an alstatian has
better hearing than me.
Julie:Thats a comfort , at least I don't have hairs to clear up
too.
With a flourish Julie picks up some of the crockery and
heads for the kitchen.Hanna blows a raspberry as she
leaves the crockery rattles but is not dropped as JUlie
starts to laugh.
Hanna:I think your problem is that you have too much starch in
your knickers
(fadeout or ads are next if this is on itv)
Next scene
Rob roars up on his bike ,the curtain opposite twitches
as usual.Rob gets off and takes a container from the
pannier.He goes to the garden The ladies are waiting ,
Julie is standing by a flymow.Rob goes over to admire
it.
Rob:This is new .
Julie:Well it is an investment in the future.
Hanna:Sometimes she thinks she'll live forever.
Julie:I'll live longer than you at any rate.I am younger.
Hanna:Don't forget to mention the three days
Rob:I've brought some parafin , we can burn the pile of grass.
He shows them the container and waves it in the direction of
a mound of cut grass.
Rob:Right If you go inside and hook this up to the power I'll
get cracking.
With a flourish he takes off his leather riding jacket and
throws it and his helmet to one side.Julie takes the
container
and puts it by the French Windows.Hanna follows her
indoors, they Rob starts with the flymo.
Back in the sitting room Julie takes up her position and
watches giving Hanna a commentory.
Julie:Well he's started, he works really fast , the flymo is
gliding like a stone bounced on a still pond
Hanna:Remember when we went to the seaside , I go a pebble to
bounce seven times.
Julie:It was six.
Hanna:OK , six then , your just jealous because you couldn't do
it at all.
She pulls a face at Julie , Julie does not see as she is
looking at Rob and still giving the commentory.
JUlie:He's screaming again as he does it, he's like an African
native.
Hanna:Has he finished yet.
Julie:I'd say in another twenty minutes he'll be done.
Hanna:You better had start on the tea.
Julie:Ok I'll start.
Julie leaves the sitting room to start on the tea , Hanna
stays looking out,but not seeing at Rob.In the garden Rob
is going very fast, the stubble from his sything the
previous time is now lawn.After a while he stops to
admire his work.As he is piling all the grass onto the
pile from last time Hanna appears at his elbow.
Hanna:This is nice , very short too.That machine is very good.
Rob:How can you tell, I mean you are blind.
Hanna:I still can feel the ground under my feet.Before you came
the grass touched my knee.When you used the syth it
touched my ankle , now it touches neither and when I rub
my foot on the ground its no more than stubble on a man's
chin.
Rob :You'r amazing.
Hanna:Have you finished then, its time for tea.
Rob looks around him, we see a neat lawned garden with
flower beds , a real transformation.
Rob:I suppose I am.I can do some planting after tea, then I can
light the bonfire before I leave.
Rob takes Hanna's arm then together they go back to the
house.Julie is standing in the window watching.She winks
at Rob before saying.
Julie:I think You may need a chaperone?
Hanna pulls her arm from Rob's.
Hanna:Julie you are so so , just so so.
JUlie:Cann't you think of a word then , that's a novelty for
you.
Rob:You two make me blush sometimes.
Hanna:Ignore her , now tell us about your day out in Stratford.
Rob:Well we all rode to Stratford , about fouty of us , some
with sidecars as well.We had a ride around and had a few
laughs then we went for a drink.
Julie:Sounds like a nice day out.
Rob:It was , though it could have got hairy for a finish, but
everything turned out ok.
Hanna:What happened?
Rob:Oh nothing really , just some people don't like bikers.Think
we are all thieves and hooligans.My friends are all old,
I mean one is fourty two.We just like riding bikes , its
not
a crime is it?
Julie:What happened?
Rob:Oh nothing ,the landlord thanked me in fact.How about a
slice more of your cake, did yuou bake it?
Rob obviously does not want to say any more on the matter.
Hanna:What about our postcard?
Rob:I forgot to bring it , I remembered the parafin but not the
card.
Julie:Never mind , next time will do.
Hanna:I remember when me and Hanna and our husbands used to go
on holidays and days out together.
Julie:We haven't bothered to go anywhere in years, its not the
same now since our husbands passed on
Hanna:Julie was describing how you used the flymo , how it
glides and bounces over the grass, it reminds me of a
trip to the seaside.I got stones to bounce on the sea,
one did seven bounces.
Julie:She means six , it was fun , though we'll never see the
seaside again.
Hanna:Nor feel the sea breeze , or hear the donkies.
The ladies look into space remembering bygone days.
Rob:You should go again.
Julie:We are too old.
Hanna:I couldn't go on my own , and in a strange place I'd be
too much for Julie if it was just the two of us.
There's a pause then Rob purses his lips then makes a
sudden decision.
Rob:I could take you.
Julie:You are so kind, but how could you?
Hanna:Surly not on yopur bike?
Rob:We can be in Weston in two hours.
Julie:You are serious , you are not just humouring us.
She puts down her cup and looks intensly at Rob.
Hanna:But how could I go?
Rob:I could borrow a sidecar and connect it to my bike.
Hanna:It would be fun , one last fling before we meet our maker.
Hanna's unseeing eyes look pleadiongly at Julie.
JUlie:I suppose you are daring me , Hanna.
Hanna:Of course, or are you afraid of bikes as well as planes?
Rob:Are you two certain.?
JUlie and Hanna:Positive.
They all laugh.They finish their tea, then Rob heads for
the garden.
Rob:What I'll do is start the bonfire , I'll make sure its safe
then I'll go.
Julie:It will be safe?
Hanna:Of course it will.
Rob heads for the pile of cut grass , picking up the
container of parafin on his way.
Julie:That's easy for you to say its not your house that will
burn.
Hanna:Have you no faith in him , after all he's done.
JUlie:I suppose you are right.
They continue watching Rob as he pours parifin on the
grass before setting it alight.Over the road in the
second story flat the woman in pearls is still watching.
Sharon:The overgrown clot is making a bonfire now, I better
close my window, or I'll be smoke logged.
She closes her window , then her phone rings.She picks
the phone up and takes up her position by the window before
answering it.
Sharon:Hello, Miss Lington speaking.
Phone:Hello its Ken here, your nephew
Sharon:Sorry Ken I'm distracted at the moment
Ken:Howcome?
Sharon:There's a bonfire over the road.She has some clot visting
her for the past few weeks , he's tidied up her garden.
Ken:Did you speak to her?
Sharon:I did, but she said she loved her house , we can have
first refusal when she dies but not before.
Ken:Any chance of making her change her mind?
Sharon:Not really , she's besoted with her garden and this
horrible biker chap who comes and tidies it for her.
Ken:We could always leave the garden when we develop.
Sharon:If you mean.
Ken:I've an idea.
Sharon:What is it?
Ken:I cann't say yet, bye.
Ken rings off , Sharon looks inquiringly at the phone, then
she puts it down , to look out the window.A piece of ash
flies past , she mutters under her breath.At the bonfire Rob
is satified so he walks back to the house.
Rob:I'll see you on Saturday then, be ready at IOam.
JUlie:You really mean it about taking us to the seaside.
Hanna:Of course he does.
Rob then leaves.He is watched leave by Sharon from her
perch . Who looks from him back to the fire.
Sharon:The overgrown clot leaving the fire unattended , he could
burn
the house down.
She smiles as she finishes her sentence , then looks out
of the window again , this time moving the curtain right back.
Sharon:What a pity the fire is dying down now
The Saturday Morning
Rob arrives , he has a sidecar attached to his bike.He
hoots his horn, the ladies come out.
JUlie:Well, in for a penny in for a pound.
Hanna:Where will I be?
Rob:I've got a sidecar plenty of room for you to sit down.
JUlie:Will the riding hats do.
She holds aloft the riding hats which she had been holding
at her side.
Rob:They should do , I've borrowed some leathers for you too.
Rob reaches into the sidecar and brngs out the leathers.
JUlie:Won't my slacks do , I took the precaution of putting them
on?
Rob:You really need these, in case it rains.
JUlie leans against Rob and Hanna and unceremoniously gets
into the leathers.
Rob:I forgot what about Scampi?
Hanna:THe woman over the road is looking after him.
Rob:I think we are ready to go then.
JUlie:Hang on a second.
She goes inside and brings out a basket, which has a small
picnic in it.SHe also has a black handbag , this she places on
top
Julie:Just in case we get peckish on the way.
Hanna is helped into the sidecar then Julie gets on the
bike behind Rob.Then the trio roar off.Over the road the
curtain twitches , Sharon then turns to her guest
saying.
Sharon:Don't you dare chew anything.
Scampi covers from her as she raising her hand to
emphasise her threat.
On the open road , Rob rides carefully, Hanna waves
like the Queen when she hears children shout to her.
Rob:Are you two ok back there.
Hanna:This is exciting.
JUlie:Yes its fun , makes me feel young again.
Hanna:Don't hold him too tight , or he won't be able to steer.
JUlie:You are impossible, just because you are blind you think
you can say anything.
Hanna:Its my only luxury.
Hanna smiles like a naughty schoolgirl , sa does Rob ,
Julie just pulls a face.As they ride Hanna comments on
all the different smells.A bakery , a tannery , Indian
restaurants and flowers' scent from parks.After an hour
on the road there is a "snap" then a clanging.Rob
struggles to control the bike he manages to stop, a
lorry just misses them.
Rob:Are you two ok?
He takes off his helmet.
JUlie:What happened?
Rob:The chain snapped.
Hanna:What was the other noise , it soundeed like a lorry?
JUlie:Well your lucky you cann't see it gave me a fright.
Rob:I'll just push you off the road its quite busy here.
Rob dismounts and pushes them onto the narrow pavement out
of the way of traffic. He then inspects the damage.
Rob:I think we were lucky , it broke but did no real damage.So
all we need is a new chain.
Hanna:What are you going to do?
Rob:I'll walk up the road there must be a garage nearby.
JUlie:What should we do?
Rob:Eat , I'll be back asap.
Hanna:Thats fine by me , all this excitement hs made me
hungary.
She starts to rummage in the basket , Julie shruggs ,
0 then with a wave Rob leaves.He walks down the road
occasionally stopping to try thumbing.He has no luck.
Hanna and JUlie have eaten all the food ands drunk the
thermos dry when a car pulls up.It has a man his wife
and their two children in it.The man gets out of the
car and walks towards the ladies.
Man:Hello ladies can I help you?
Then he recognises them.
Man:I'm Sgt Jones , I know you two , what are you doing here?
Hanna:Ask to see identification he may be a con man
Jones:Here you are , he shows it to JULIE
JUlie:Its ok Hanna , he's got identification.Besides he as a
luvly wife and two children in his car.
Hanna:In that case tell him why we are here.
Hanna smiles angelically.Then she tidies uop the basket
placing the black bag on top.
JUlie:We are on our way to the seaside , only the chain snapped.
Jones:With your young friend?
Julie:Yes , with Rob do you know him?
Jones:I've seen him several times , he's made a good job of
your garden.
Hanna:He's going to a garage to get help.
Jones:You two are ok?
Julie:Yes we just hope he gets back soon thats all.
Jones:I'll be off then .
The sgt leaves waving them goodbye from his car , his
kids wave too.He drives for a few minutes then spots Rob
so he slows and stops.He waves him over.
Sgt JOnes:Rob , get in I'll give you a lift.
Rob:Who are you?
Sgt Jones:I've just met your friends by the bike,
Rob:Thanks a lot , nobody wants to give me a lift I've
tried
thumbing.
Rob gets in the back , he has to lower his head in the
car,the kids are amazed at how big he is.The cars drives
on.
Sgt Jones:You seem to be great friends with the ladies?
Rob:We get along fine.I like them and the house , I do
the
garden for Julie.
Sgt Jones:I know , I've seen it.Its on my beat.
Rob:You a cop?
Sgt Jones:Yes , somebody has to do it.
They drive on is silence , at a garage Rob gets out ,
the kids say "Goodbye Mr Rob".The Sgt drives off Rob
goes in to find a mechanic.
(fADEOUT)
A van with a mechanic and Rob pulls up by the bike.The
ladies sit in the van while the mechanic and Rob fit the chain.
When its time to pay Rob reaches into his pocket to discover
he's short.So he and tyhe mechanic walk to the van.
Rob:Sorry to ask Julie , but I wasn't expecting this, so I'm in
a predicament.
Hanna:He's short of money.
Rob:I am .
He lowers his head , ashamed to be asking.
JUlie:Not to worry , besides you have been so kind to us.
Julie takes the black handbag from the food basket, she
opens it.Money bursts out.Taking a oe50 note she hands it to
Rob.
Julie:Is that enough?
Both Rob and the mechanic are amazed and look at one
another.The ladies get out of the van and back on the
bike then the mechanic drives off , with Rob and the
ladies
following, on their way again to the seaside.
Rob:I'll pay you back next week when I get paid.
JUlie:No you won't , its the least I can do after all you've
done.
The rest of the journey is in silence , Julie has a self
satisfied smile on her face , at last she has repaid Rob for his
kindness.At the seaside , Rob has difficulty parking
,eventually he parks where it says strickly no parking.
Rob:Perhaps we'll be lucky and not get a ticket.
Julie:I'll pay the ticket.
Rob:No you won't and I will repay you next week.
Julie:We'll see avbout that.
The trio leave the bike and sidecar then head off along the
promenade.The ladies refusing to take their hats off.
Hanna's nose twitches.
Hanna:Candy floss , candy floss. I want a candy floss.
Julie:I cann't see it where?
Hanna:Twenty yards on the left.
Julie:Lets see how good your nose is Fido.
So while Rob takes Hanna's arm Julie strides out twenty
yards.
Julie:I see no candy floss stand.
At that moment two workmen pick up some plaster board
to reveal a candy floss store.Rob and Julie look at each
other in amazement.
Hanna:Does your silence mean , you've finally seen it.
Rob and Julie laugh , Hanna joins in .Then Rob gets three
candy floss.They then set of again.Hanna now has a beard
of floss.
Julie:You have less manners than Scampi , Hanna.
Hanna just puts her tongue out , and eats her beard.
Hanna:Where are the donkies , I want a ride.
Julie:You tell us , you are the blood hound.
Hanna:Blood hound am I , Then I better howl.
JUlie:Don't you dare.
Hanna lets out a howl.
Rob:Beam me up Scottie.
Julie:What does that mean ?
Hanna howls again, people look around at her , thinking she's
drunk.
Rob:It means I am embarrassed.
JUlie:Scottie beam me up too.
The blood hound leads then to the donkies, not really a
hard job.Julie's nose twitches now in disgust.
Hanna:Two for the donklies please.
The donkey man looks at Rob and mouthes "Its dangerous she's
blind"
Rob:Its ok , I'll stand on one side by her , you can go on the
other.
The donkey man shruggs his shoulders , the ladies mount
then have a ride.
Hanna:I feel just like John Wayne.
JUlie:Thank God you cann't see yourself
After the ride Hanna is still excited.
Rob:I think we should eat now and perhaps have a few drinks.
Julie:Not too many you are driving.
Rob:Four is my below the breath test limit.
JUlie:Are you sure?
Hanna:He's a big boy , a very big boy it would take a lot to get
him drunk.
The walk along the Prom at one pub they stop , there is a
sign "NO BIKERS", they don't see it , they go in.They sit at
a table .Behind the bar the barmaid sees them.Hanna goes to
the toilet.
Barmaid:I better tell the boss.
She goes into the other bar , the boss returns with her.He
takes a deep breath and comes from behind the bar and heads
for
Rob.At that moment Hanna returns and Rob helps her sit down
again.The Boss's expression changes.
Boss:Are these two with you?
Hanna:Yes , he's our toy boy.
Boss:Er , Er what can I do for you?
Rob:I was going to go to the bar and order some drinks and some
food.
Boss:There's no need Sir , I'll take an order from you here.
Rob:Well I'll have a pint of bitter.
Hanna:I'll have a Guinness.
Julie:I'll have a port and lemon.
Boss:And to eat?
Rob:Three ploughmens
Boss:Is that all?
Rob:Yes thanks
Hanna:Mine's a pint by the way.
The boss looks astonished.
Hanna:WE're on holoday , just for a day but on holiday , so
mine's a pint.
Boss:Certainly.
The Boss returns to the bar , he returns with the order
personally.
Boss:Do you mind if my daughter come and talks with you?
Rob:No why?
Boss:Well , I'll just send her out.
The boss goes back to the bar and shouts .A teenage girl
comes out and heads for Rob's table.She is blind.She and
Hanna are soon laughing , they have common jokes about
blindness.The "Boss" looks on , he is happy.He turns to
his barstaff.
Boss:Keep their glasses full , do you hear me?
The staff nod , then he goes into the other bar.
Hanna:And they said "find the donkies" , so I did , I howled
like a blood hound.
Julie:She has no shame.
Hanna:I'm a bit old to have any.
Mary:Do you hate being blind though?
Hanna:At first , its not so bad if you are born blind.
Mary:Like me.
Hanna:Well you have never seen so you don't know what your
missing.
Mary:Thats what my dad says.
Hanna:It is hard when you are young , but you can still have
fun.You can get away with anything when you are blind
Mary:Such as?
Hanna:Well when I was first blind I went into the Gents by
mistake.
Mary and Rob laugh , Julie is disgusted and "tut tuts"
Hanna:They all shouted , I heard the zips closing , one man
screamed.
At this Mary laughed till the tears came down her eyes.
Mary:I'll have to try that.
Another round of drinks comes over.The barmaid goes away
to tell Mary's dad that she's enjoying herself.
Hanna:Is there a bingo hall near , I want to play.
Mary:There's one up the road.
Hanna:Come and play bingo with us,
Mary:I'll just tell my dad.
Rob :I'll come with you and settle up.
Mary and Rob go to the bar.
Mary:Dad , dad the lady wants me to go up the road with her to
play bingo.
Boss:Ok , get one of the lads to bring you back.
Mary:Thanks dad.
Rob:How much do I owe you.
Boss:I've been paid already.
Rob:Did Julie pay why my back was turned?
Boss:Er , yes , while you were in the gents.
Rob and Mary go back to the table , Hanna is standing.
Hanna:You can lead, I'll follow.
Mary takes Hanna's arm.
Hanna:No , not that way , we are on holiday.So lets Conga.
Mary:You are silly.
Hanna:Come on , please an old lady.
So Mary let Hanna take her by the waist , Julie and Rob
joined in.The people in the pub thought it a joke and
started to laugh.
Hanna:Don't just laugh , join in.
Mary:Everybody join in.
Boss: So much for the afternoon trade , but its worth it to see
Mary smile.
So the pub crowd joined in.A conga formed , Mary led it
up the road to the bingo hall.People join in, so a
large
crowd entered the empty bingo hall.
Bingo caller:Hello Mary , you come to play?
Mary:My friend Hanna wants to play.
Bingo caller:Everybody sit down for th big game.
He has a full house ready toi play.Several games are
played but Hanna does not win.Rob plays the board for her.
Crowd:Let her win.
Caller:It all luck I cann't fix it , if you lot stop winning then
she might start.
Another game is played, several people win putting there
hand up to shout house only to shake their heads and wave
the
Caller on.Eventually Hanna wins , about ten others have
actually won already but they did not shout out.
Hanna:Bingo , House , I've won.
Caller:Yes you have won.
Hanna:I want a pink elephant.
The caller picks out a blue elephant, he calls to the crowd.
Caller:What has she won .
Crowd:A pink elephant.
Hanna accepts her prize, then to much cheering she leaves
the bingo hall with Rob and Julie.They walk along the Prom.
Rob:I think we better start going home now.
Hanna:Must we?
Julie:I think we should.
Hanna:Oh all right then , it was a good day out.
They walk along the Prom till they find the bike again.There
they see a policeman about to book the bike.Rob goes forward
to
speak with him.
Rob:I'm sorry officer its just that there was no where else to
park.
Pc:Sorry the law is the law.
He reaches into his pocket for his book.At this point a car
emerges from the back of the carpark into the road , it
stops
just by the Pc. It is Sgt Jones and his family.Sgt Jones
calls the Pc. over.He shows the Pc. his warrent card.
Sgt Jones:I know this man , do you see the old lady and the blind
lady
behind him?
The Pc. looks around and sees Julie and Hanna .
Pc:I see them.
Sgt Jones:This man has gone to a lot of trouble to give them a nice
day out.
Pc:I understand.
Sgt Jones:Thanks, next time you are in Birmingham , drop in at J
division , I'll buy you a drink.
Pc:I might just do that.
The Pc. salutes as Sgt Jones drives off.The Pc. turns to
Rob.
Pc:It looks like your lucky day.But be careful in future.
Rob:Yes Sir.
The Pc. watches as Rob and the ladies mount up and drive away.
The journey back is uneventful,Hanna holding her prize with
pride
At Julie's house the ladies get out, then Rob roars off.As he
leaves the Sharon leaves her block and returns Scampi to
Julie.
Sharon:Did you have a nice day out?
Hanna:Yes I did , see my prize a pink elephant.
She shows her blue elephant
Sharon:Wonderful I'm sure.
Julie:Was Scampi any trouble?
Sharon:None at all , we got on great.
She bends to stroke Scampi , who snaps at her , she pulls
away
quickly.Then nodding her head by way of farewell she hurries
away
Julie and Hanna go inside with Scampi barking for joy .
The phone rings as Sharon gets in.Yes graps the phone and
snaps
Sharon:Yes , what do you want!
Ken:It's Ken , your nephew , what rattled your cage?
Sharon:That horrid dog Scampi , Julie and her friend went out for
the
day with that clot on a bike.So I had to mind the dog.It
peed
all over the back of my favourite chair.
Ken:Not the best of days.I rang to say I've arranged for a load
of
manure to be delivered.
Sharon:First the one , now the other.
Ken:For Julie's garden , perhaps we can get around her.Tell her
how
nice the garden is, and it would be great if everybody could
see
it.
Sharon:Which they would if you developed the site.
Ken:Exactly.
The following Monday a lorry arrives with a load of
maure,Julie
comes out when she hears it arrive.
Julie:What do you want?
Driver:I've got a delivery for you, best manure.
Julie:It certainly smells that way.
Driver:Where do you want it?
Julie:I didn't order it.
Sharon comes accross the road to take charge.
Julie:It's a present from my nephew, Ken.
Julie:I suppose it would help the garden along , we haven't
started planting yet.Once we do though things will soon grow
with this.
Julie holds her nose and waves her hands at the load of
manure.Julie and Sharon watch as the manb unloads then
digs in the manure into the beds.The man finishes then
leaves.
Sharon:Your young friend has made a good job.
Julie:Yes he has , he's good company too.
Sharon:It looks nice now , it will be even better once the
plantings done , when things start to bloom.
Julie:Yes it will be almost as good as the old days.
Sharon:Its a pity everybody cann't see the garden.
JUlie:I see it and Rob , Hanna sees it in her mind , she can
still smell the flowers when they are in bloom.
Sharon:It would be nice if more people could see it though.
JUlie:I don't see how that could happen.This is not Alton
Towers.
Sharon:A garden like this is a great thing , it should be
shared.
Julie:I still don't see how it can be shared.
Sharon:This really is a precious garden.Now if your house was
developed the garden would stay. And get professional
attention.
Julie:So it was a bribe!
Sharon:Not at all.A token of friendship.
Julie:Friendship to convert my house into flats , or even knock
it and rebuild.
Sharon:You misunderstand.
Julie:All I can say for friendship like yours is- manure.
Sharon:There is no need to get offensive.
JUlie:Now get off my property.
At this point Scampi comes running out of the house and
starts snapping at Sharon.Sharon runs away , Scampi jumps
and tears her dress , he returns with the torn piece and
drops it at Julie's feet.Julie starts to laugh.
Over the road Sharon rings Ken.
Sharon:Ken, I spoke to her.
Ken:Yes , did she like the gift.?
Sharon:At first , then she saw through it.Her blased dog ripped
my dress.
Ken:I'll have to talk with her myself.I'll be in Birmingham in a
couple of weeks.
Sharon:But what about my dress.It was beautiful , I got it in
the Silk Shop .
Ken:I'll get you another.We just have to persuade her ,its worth
a lot of money to me.
A Few Days Later
Rob arrives as usual , Sharon watching as usual.He goes
around the back Julie and Hanna are there to greet him.
Rob:Hello again.
He looks around and notices the manure and some cuttings in
pots.
Rob:Where did you get this stuff from.
Julie:The manure was from a neighbour.
Hanna:It was a bribe.
Rob:A funny sort of bribe if you ask me.
Julie:Lets forget about that.
Rob:What about the cuttings.
Julie:My postman gave some, then the milkman gave me others then
a few neighbours gave the others.
Rob:Do you want me to start planting then.
Julie:If you could.
She takes a photo out of the pocket of her cardigan and
hands it to Rob.
Rob:I'll do me best.Oh by the way I might be able yto get you
some plants,they're changing the stock around at the
hypermarket the boss said I could have any shop soiled
stuff.
Julie:That's very kind of him.
Rob:They'll be perfect, if the wrapping is torn a lot then we
are not allowed to sell them.So the boss said I could have
them.
JUlie:You must thank him for me.We will let you get on with it
then .
Hanna and Julie go indoors.Rob starts the planting looking at
photo occasionally for guidance.After two hours he goes
inside for tea....
JUlie:It looks so nice now , and when things grow it will be
great.
Rob:I'll get the plants from work in a week or so,after
they're in it'll be all finished.
Hanna:I just the scents are strong, and that there are some of
those velvet flowers on the roses.
Rob:Really I needn't come any more after that.
JUlie:But you must , I mean we both want you to come.
Hanna:Yes you must.
Rob:If you insist.
There is a faraway look in his eyes.
(fadeout)
Its evening about eight ,Julie is locking up for the night
when there is a knock on her door, she opens the door
a fraction to see who it is.Dusk is falling, in the shadows
she recognises Sharon.So she opens the door wider , behind
Sharon is a man.
Julie:Yes.What do you want at this hour.
Sharon:Can we talk.
Julie:I thought we finished talking the other day.
Ken:Please let us talk.
Julie:Come in then.
Sharon and Ken come in , Scampi growls at them.
JUlie:Well what have you to say?
Sharon:I'm sorry about the other day , it was a genuine gesture
of friendship.
Ken:You wouldn't believe how expensive that stuff is.
JUlie:Who is this man?
Ken:I'm Ken Lington.
Sharon:My nephew.
JUlie:So your the organ grinder.
She then looks Sharon in the face.
JUlie:And this is your monkey.
Sharon:There is no need for abuse.
Ken:Ladies , ladies cann't we be civil.
JUlie:You want to take my house, my home.
Sharon:We want to help you.
Ken:Yes help you.
Julie:I don't want your help.
Ken:Think of the money , you can give it to your children .
Sharon:You could even go to visit them in Australia.
Ken:Or even go live there, think of the sun , you could even
buy a nice little place for yourself.
JUlie:No use to me if I loose my friends my home , besides I
have vertigo , i could never fly.
Ken:You could afford to go by the QE2.
JUlie:No , I will not sell my home,so you can build battery hen
homes for the old and stupid.
Sharon:Just look at this place its falling down.
Julie:It just needs a little clean.
They all look around at the cobwebs and peeling
paintwork.
Ken:You could stay , you don't have to go to Australia.
Julie:Yes you could have a nice place like mine.
Ken:The pick of the development , and the garden would stay.
Sharon:Everybody could admire your garden then.
JUlie:I may be old but I'm not stupid.You would bulldoze the
garden just like you did to the ones over the road.
Sharon:Your mind is made up then.
Julie:Yes.
Ken:Do we still have first option when you die.
Sharon:When you pass on he means.
Julie:No.I've got other plans in fact I've changed my will.
Sharon and Ken exchange looks.
Sharon:Whats going to happen then?
Julie:I 'm tired I'm going to bed.
JUlie heads up the stairs, stopping by the suit of armour..
Julie:If you could drop the catch as you leave.
Sharon:But what's going to happen.
Ken:You promised us first refusal.
Julie:That is none of your business, goodnight.
Ken races up the stairs to confront Julie , Svampi barks.
Ken:I was depending on this site.
Julie:As they say don't count your chickens before they hatch.
Sharon makes her way up the stairs.
Sharon:Julie, my dear be reasonable , this house is much to big
for you.
Ken:I'll give you another oeI0000 , think what you can do with
the money
JUlie:At my age money is not that important.
Ken:You can leave it to your children.
Julie:They have plenty already.
Sharon:You could even leave it to that clot Rob.
Julie:I will be doing just that.
Ken is getting more hot under the collar.
Ken:Yor telling me that clot will get the lot.
He grabs Julie by the shoulder and starts to shake her.
Ken:If I don't close this deal in asix months I could be broke.
JUlie:That's not my concern.
Ken lets her go , then grabs Scampi.
Ken:You wouldn't want yur dog to get hurt would you.
Julie:Don't you dare.
Ken grabs Scampi and starts to strangle him, the dog whines
Julie makes a grab for Scampi but Ken holds him out of her
reach.Julie then grabs the sword from the suit of
armour.Ken passes the dog to Sharon.Sharon is bit and
drops Scampi.Ken struggles with Julie, Scampi bites
Ken.Ken kicks Scampi down stairs.Julie dives to catch
Scampi, Julie falls down stairs , Ken is saved from
falling down by Sharon.Ken and Sharon look down the
stairs at the crumpled body of Julie , obviusly dead.
Ken picks up the dropped sword , he goes down stairs
and hits a still twitching Scampi.He then looks back
at Sharon.At that moment there is a roar of a bike.
Sharon:Its that clot , Rob, he's never here at this time.
Ken:Just stay quiet.
The doorbell rings, Ken and Sharon breath heavily as it
rings again.Sharon covers her mouth.Ken looks at the dead
Scampi and Julie.He shakes his head from side to side.
Ken:The stupid bitch (he mutters)
A final ring on the bell,Then a note is pushed through
the door. Rob gets on his bike and goes
to work.Inside Sharon spots the black handbag and picks
it up she walks downstairs and stands by Ken.
Sharon:Did you have to kill the dog.I hated it but did you have to
kill it?
Ken:It was injured, what else could I do?
Sharon:What are we going to do now?
Ken:Improvise.
Sharon:How?
Ken:I'm damned if I'll go to jail for an accident.
Sharon gulps , Ken looks her in the eye.
Ken:If I go you go.
Sharon:But what can we do?
Ken:Well this looks like burglery to me.
He picks up the note , then notices the bag Sharon has.
Ken:What's that?
Sharon:She had it in her hand I just picked it up.
Ken:Open it.
He reads the note as she opens the bag.
Sharon:Its full of money , there must be thousands in here.
Ken:The clot is coming back tomorrow, at about 7am with plants..
A smirk comes on his face
Sharon:What are you thinking.
Ken:Well if her bag is missing.
Sharon:Yo're going to frame the clot.
Ken:Have you a better idea?
Sharon:No but , its going a bit far.
Ken:Do you want top go to jail, and do you wnnt this overgrown
shit to get the house and her money , while I go bust.
Sharon:What are you going to do then?
Ken:You can keep the money , but burn your clothes, the police
have some fancy tricks nowadays.
Sharon:But this dress is new,do I have to?
Ken:You can buy ten with the money in there.
Sharon:What about the bag?
Ken:Give me that ,now go back to the flat I'll tell you the
rest later.
Sharon sneaks out and goes to the flat , clutching money
to her breast , we see Ken leaning over Julie....(fadeout)
The next morning Rob arrives and rings the bell.No
answer,he looks up ,her bedroom curtains are open.Over
the road we see somebody dial 999 (its Sharon) .
We see the copper braclet on her arm , no more.
Rob:She must be up her curtains are open , what if she had an
accident
He rings the bell once more then calls out.
Rob:Julie!
No answer , just startled pidgeons flying away.
Rob:She could have fallen over Scampi.
He then looks through the letter box.
Rob:Julie!
He kicks the door down.Going foward he discovers that
Julie is dead, as is Scampi.
Rob:Julie,No ! (He screams this)
Outside a police car pulls up.Sgt Jones and Pc.Reed get
out they go inside, Rob is there holding th body.
Rob:She's dead.
Jones:I know Rob.Just put her down and come with us.
Reed:Shall I radio for reinforcemts? ( HE WHISPERS)
Jones:Just come with us Rob we'll sort it all out.
Rob:How did it happen?
Reed:He's asking us? (HE WHISPERS)
Jones:Just come with us , we will sort it all out.
Rob:What about Julie? It will be a shock of Hanna too?
Reed:Who's Hanna (he Whispers)
Jones:Come with ne Rob.
Rob is in deep shock, He puts Julie carfully down then
gets up and goes with Sgt Jones.Pc.Reed radios for an
ambulance and for forensics.
At the Police station Rob is led into an intervew room by
Sgt Jones.Only when he is inside does Rob realise what is
happening.
Rob:I didn't kill her I came around with plants , look on my
bike.
s.Jones:We just want to talk the inspector will be here shortly.
The door is locked behind Rob , he starts to bite his
nails.A few minutes later a loud click as the door opens.
The inspector enters with Sgt.Jones as note taker.Rob is
cautioned then the inspector starts.
Ins.Spence:Well Rob can you tell us what happened.
Rob:I found her there dead.I didn't kill her.
Ins Spence:Who said anything about killing?
Rob:Why else would I be asked to come here?
Ins Spence:Just start at the beginning and tell us everything
I've had a long night.
Rob:I came to give Julie some plants, I've been doing her
garden.
Ins Spence:Do you know her long? Or rather did you know the
deceased long.
Rob flinches.The inspector raises an eyebrow at this.
Rob:A few months ,I met Hanna first then Julie , she
asked me to tea, we got talking then I said I'd do her
garden for her.
Ins Spence:Are you in the habit of taking tea with an old
lady,and who is this Hanna?
Sgt Jones:If I may sir?
The inspector nods.
Sgt Jones:Rob helped Hanna, a blind lady cross the road, she was
on her way o visit her friend Julie.
Ins Spence:I see.
Sgt Jones:A friendship developed and Rob has become an
unofficial gardener.
Ins Spence:Thank you Sgt.If we let the accused talk.
Rob:That's it , that's what happened.I even took them to
the seaside on my bike.:
Ins Spence:Really?
The inspector looks at Sgt Jones for confirmation,
Sgt Jones nods.
Rob:They both really enjoyed that< the chain on my bike
broke.Sgt Jones gave me a lift to a garage.
Ins Spence:That must have cost a few bob?
Rob:Oh it did, I had to borrow money from Julie.
The policemen exchange glances.
Ins Spence:Did you repay Julie?
Rob:Yes.
Ins Spence:Are you sure?
Rob:I repaid her, she did not want me to but I did,she
said it was the least she could do,after all the work
I had done on the garden.
Rob yarns and wips his eyes.
Ins Spence:Are you tired?
Rob:Yes , I just finished the night shift.
Ins Spence:You came straight from work to see the deceased.
Rob:I had plants for her.
Ins Spence:Did you buy them?
Rob:No (HE'S INTERRUPTED)
Ins Spence:You stole them
Rob:No ,the boss said I could have them ,they are shop
soiled, end of season stuff, you can ask him.
Ins Spence:We will.
Rob:It's hot in here.
He takes his leather jacket off to reveal a blood
stained sweatshirt.
Ins Spence:You had an accident.
Rob:The boss cut himself on some packaging ,I had to hold
my hand over the wound.
Ins Spence:Really?
Rob:Yes you can ask him?
Ins Spence:Sgt did the accused have his jacket on or off when you
arrived.
Sgt Jones:On Sir.
Ins Spence:Can you give us your sweatshirt
Rob:Why?
Ins Spence:Just for tests.
Rob looks at Sgt Jones, then reluctantly he takes his
shirt off.
Ins Spence:That's all for now then.
Rob:Can I go home.
Ins Spence:Not just yet.
Rob:But I need to sleep, I have been working all night.
Ins Spence:We'll find you somewhere to sleep.
Sgt Jones:The cells sir?
Ins Spence:Yes.
Rob is led to the cells by Sgt Jones as he is locked up
Rob turns to Sgt Jones .
Rob:I did not kill her, you must know that.
Sgt Jones:The dice are loaded against you.
Rob:What's going to happen?
Sgt Jones:Further enquiries then you will be charged.
Rob:But I didn't do it why should I kill her she has been so
kind to me.
Sgt Jones:I think you should get a lawyer, do you know one, there
is legal aid as well.
Rob:A fried of mine works in a solicitors,I could ring him.
Sgt Jones:Give me the number I'll do it for you.
Rob:I think its 785 9428 , his name is Peter Robins, I hope
I don't get him into trouble for ringing at work,
he says that solicitors can be very stuffy.
Sgt Jones:Leave it with me,try and get some rest.
Sgt Jones closes the cell door , shaking his head as he
does so.He has pity for Rob.
( fADE OUT)
At Julie's house, Hanna turns up out of the blue, she
asks the police what's up.Police cars and an ambulance
are there, Hanna looks around unseeing..
Hanna:Why are you all here, where is Julie , she hasn't been
robbed has she?
Pc.Reed:Who are you?
Hanna:I'm her best friend, I had a feeling she needed me so I
came.
Another Pc comes up to Pc.Reed and says.
Pc:I'll go with the body to the morgue.
Hanna:What she's dead!
She faints, Pc.Reed has to catch her.The other Pc.leaves.
Pc.Reed:Sorry you heard it that way.Your friend is dead.
Hanna:But she was so well.
Pc.Reed:I think you've heard enough for now.
Hanna:There's more.
Pc.Reed:ER , yes.
Hanna:Tell me ,tell me.
She looks pleadingly at him.
Pc.Reed:If you come with me to the station we can tell you more
there
Hanna:Tell me now.
Pc.Reed:You will hear everything at the station.
Hanna:Rob will be very upset.
The Pc. gulps and looks to heaven as he leads her to a
police car.At the statio she is put in an interview room.
The inspector arrives to speak with her.
Ins Spence:I believe you are the deceased friend.
Hanna:for sixty years.
Ins Spence:Have you been told the nature of her death?
Hanna:No.She didn't trip over anything did she,I always told
her to look where she was going.
Ins Spence:i'm afraid she's been murdered.
Hanna:Oh no, whoever would do such a thing.
Ins Spence:I believe you know a man called Rob Towers?
Hanna:Yes, does he know yet? He will be shocked, he and JUlie
are or were rather good friends , the three of us were.
Ins Spence:I'm afraid This Rob , appears to be the guilty party.
Hanna:No never , he is a god boy!
Ins Spence:Was your friend in the habbit of keeping money in the
house?
Hanna:I suppose I can tell you now.She kept a few thousand in
a black handbag.She said one day she'd fly to Australia
to see her children, she had vertigo you know ,afraid
to fly, quite silly really.
Ins Spence:Do you think this Rob would steal?
Hanna:No , never.He didn't even ask for payment for doing the
gardening.
Ins Spence:Tell me more.
Hanna:I met him first , he crossed the road with me one
day.We invited him in for tea , then he offered to do
the garden.
Ins Spence:That was very kind of him.
Hanna:Julie had commented on the garden then he offered to
do it.
Ins Spence:All as simple as that and for free.
Hanna:There still some nice people in the world you know, not
all young people are bad.
The inspector smiles broadly then wiping away the smile
he asks some more questions.
Ins Spence:Do you think Rob would ever ask for a loan?
Hanna:No ,never.When Julie had to lend him money he said
he'd repay it.
Ins Spence:When was this ?
Hanna:When he took us to the sea side on his motorbike.
Ins Spence:So he had to borrow money?
Hanna:The chain broke on his bike.When the mechanic finally
came Rob didn't have enough to pay him so Julie lent
him some money.
Ins Spence:My Sgt. told me something about two old ladies and a
biker going to Weston.Would that have been you?
Hanna:Yes of course.
Ins Spence:Really?
The Inspector says this with mock surprize.
Hanna:But if you know this already why ask me?
Ins Spence:Its always best to get it from the horses mouth.
Hanna:I think you should start looking for Julie's killer.
Ins Spence:We have no other suspects.
Hanna:This is rediculous, Rob is innocent.
Ins Spence:I'll be the judge of that.
Hanna:But why do you say its him?
Ins Spence:We had a phone call saying there was a disturbance,when
we arrived Rob was found with your friend.
Hanna:I still don't believe it was him ,He loved the house
and the garden .
Ins Spence:Enough to pull up the plants and pour oil over the
flower beds?
Hanna:Oh thats terrible , he'd never do that.
Ins Spence:He was seen last night.
Hanna:But you said he was there this morning.
Ins Spence:He returned to the scene of crime in the morning.
Hanna:Who saw him?
Ins Spence:I'm afraid I cann't say, I've bent the rules rather a
lot already.If you have anything further to add which
may help your young friend please say so.
Hanna:He did not do it , anybody can see that , even a blind
woman.
Ins Spence:I'll have to leave you now, I'll send a WPc though she
can get you a tea and drive you home when you are
ready.
The inspector leaves the room he does and talks with
Sgt. Jones
Ins Spence:Can you find the garage mechanic who fixed the chain
for Mr Tower's aand see if he can tell us anything?
Sgt Jones :I've done that already Sir , he remembers everthing,he
couldn't forget such an odd trio.
Ins Spence:And what does he have to say?
Sgt Jones:Only that Rob borrowed money,the deceased had a black
handbag it was stuffed with oe20 notes.
Ins Spence:You have no more information yourself?
Sgt Jones:I don't think he did it.It seems so easy , he need not
have killed her at all.
Ins Spence:He's a big lad and the deceased was no match for
him.Besides the blood on his shirt matches the blood
from the deceased.
Sgt Jones:I tried to ring his boss about having cut himself,it
seems he caught an early fight to Spain for his holidays.
Ins Spence:So it looks open and shut.
Sgt Jones:But why ? He put a lot of work into that garden,if he
did want to steal he had plenty of opportunity over
the months so why now?
Ins Spence:As I see it he saw all the money in the handbag , then
he realised she was loaded so he asked for payment for
all his hard work.She refused , so he messed up the
garden.She could have tried to offer him money to stop
the destruction , but he just carried on taking money
as well.
Sgt Jones:Only she got in the way.
Ins Spence:All we have to do now is find the bag with money?
Sgt JOnes:How do you intend doing that?
Ins Spence:By asking Mr Towers.
The inspector does to talk with Rob again.
Ins Spence:Can you tell me anything about a black handbag?
Rob:Julie had one.
Ins Spence:Did you ever look inside this bag.
Rob:No.
Ins Spence:Not ever, even when you were out with the deceased and
her friend.
Rob:I saw her open it the once thats all.
Ins Spence:What was inside?
Rob:Lots of money.
He looks the inspector in the eye.
Rob:You think I killed her for her money.
Ins Spence:Well did you?
Rob:No why should I? She did not judge me on face value .
I loved doing the garden for her, she was a friend.
Ins Spence:If I put it to you that you did like the job , the
company of two ol ladies.However when you discover that
she had money and was not just a poor old lady in a big
house you felt cheated, you felt you should be paid.
So you confronted her , demanding payment, when she
refused you pulled up all the plants and poured oil on
them.
Rob looks angrily at the inspector and starts to stand
but then sits down again.
Rob:I did not kill her.I didn't touch any plants , I brought
some more that morning on my bike.Why would I ruin all my
hard work , I loved her and the house and garden.
Ins Spence:I'm not saying it was deliberate , you got angry,after
all if she could afford to pay why shouldn't she.
Rob:Why did I kill the dog then?
Ins Spence:It tried to defend its mistress so you killed it.
Rob:No,NO NO.
Ins Spence:It would be much easier for you in the long run if you
confessed now.Talk to your legal aid solicitor he'll
tell you I'm right.
Rob:I went to hers last night to tell her I'd be getting
some plants.I left a note through her letterbox.Then
this morning when I arrived she did not answer so I
knocked the door down , I found her dead.Then you
arrived .
Ins Spence:You left a note, we found no note.
Rob:I tell you I left a note , so she'd no I'd be coming.
Ins Spence:I'll look into it.But just remember what I saw a
confession now is best in the long run.
The Inspector leaves the interview room and talks to
the Sgt.Also standing at the desk is a clean shaven
man with gold framed glasses, he is wearing an
expensive suit , he has an expensive briefcase too.
Ins Spence:Can you check if there was a note found at the scene of
crime.He says he left a note telling her he'd be
coming.
Sgt Jones:This is Mr Peter Bowler, he says his Mr Towers
solicitor
Ins Spence:You legal aid chaps must be getting paid well.
The inspector looks the solicitor over , admiring the
suit .The solicitor is unsmling.
Mr Bowler:This is not legal aid.Mr Towers is a personal friend.
The inspector and Sgt. exchange looks of disbelief.
Mr Bowler:Perhaps I should explain.I ride a bike when I have free
time.I work as a junior partner for Bodkin and Hemlock.
Ins Spence:But you don't do legal aid work ever.
Mr Bowler:As I said this is not legal aid,I am allowed scope at
the firm.
Ins Spence:I better show you to your client.
As he walks away Sgt Jones smiles before muttering.
Sgt Jones:Talk of the luck of the devil , but you'll need it,Rob.
As Mr bowler is being shown to an interview room Hanna
emerges from another,so she hears the inspector say.
Ins Spence:I'll arrange for Mr Towers to be brought up, if you
could wait in here.
Hanna:What's going on now?
Ins Spence:Your friend has other friends.
The inspector walks off leaving Hanna with Mr Bowler.
Mr Bowler:I'm Peter Bowler , a friend of Rob's ,I am a solicitor.
Hanna:You will help him won't you ,I know he would never hurt
anybody let alone Julie.
Rob is brought up to the interview room by Pc.Reed.He
sees his two friends.
Mr Bowler:Hello Rob.
Rob:Hello Peter , hello Hanna
Mr Bowler:I've come to help you Rob.
Hanna:I'll help too.
Mr Bowler:If we go into the interview room
The Pc goes away as they enter the interview room.
Rob:How can you help me Peter its a solicitor I need.
Mr Bowler:I am a solicitor , I never mentioned it before.
Rob:I just though you worked at a solicitors office.
Mr Bowler:Well I do , but as a solicitor.
Hanna:He sounds like a good man , so listen to him , Rob.
Mr Bowler looks at Hanna , pursing his lips , Rob sees
this and speaks.
Rob:It's ok Peter , Hanna is a good friend.
Mr Bowler:It's most irregular, but, well I have to ask you one
questioon first.
He looks at Hanna as he asks.
Mr Bowler:I have to ask this first, I must.
Rob:Go on.
Mr Bowler:Did you kill Mrs Julie Hickman.
Rob:No.She was a friend , I liked her.
Hanna:I could have told you that.
Mr Bowler:Ok.Now tell me everything from the start.
Rob:Last night on the way to work I stopped to tell Julie I
would be back firt thing in the morning with some
plants.The boss said I could have them for free.
Mr Bowler:What's his name?
Rob:Tony Marks.
Mr Bowler:Will he be at work today?
Rob:Yes, er no.He said he was going to Spain on an early
flight.
Mr Bowler:It was him who cut himself.
Rob:Yes , quite badly , I got covered in blood.
Mr Bowler:The blood type is the same as Mrs Hickman.
Hanna:I feel sick.
Mr Bowler:Really it would be better if you waited outside.
Hanna:No I'd like to stay, she was my best friend , sixty years
I knew her.
She shakes her head from side to side and plays with her
white stick.
Mr Bowler:It could be a coincidence,but it looks bad.
Hanna:It must be a coincidence, not could be.
Mr Bowler:I have to look at all the posibilities ,thats my job.
Rob:Go on Peter.
Mr Bowler:Do you know which tour operator he was going with?
Rob:Horizon , I think.
Mr Bowler:Ok , I'll have him traced , he'll have to give a blood
sample.
Rob:But that'll be in Spain.
Mr Bowler:I'll get the sample sent back on the late plane,I have a
friend at the hospital she'll test to see the exact
type.It seems the blood on your sweatshirt does match
Mrs Hickman's , however that's in general terms.My
friend can tell us in hours what will take the police
days.
Rob:So she can prove its the boss's blood and not Julie's.
Mr Bowler:Yes.
Hanna:Then he'll be released.
Mr Bowler:Hopefully.
Hanna:That still leaves the real killer free.
Mr Bowler:Quite.
Hanna:Who would want to kill her?
Mr Bowler:I was about to ask that question myself.
Rob:I know she loved her garden that's all.
Hanna:She didn't have an enemy in the world.
Mr Bowler:It was probily a theft that went wrong,however due to
the circumstancial evidence Rob will be held until
further blood tests are complete.
Hanna:We may never have tea together again, nor enjoy the
garden.
Hanna shakes her head and sighs.
Rob:Of course we will , won't we Peter?
Rob looks at Peter for reassurance.
Mr Bowler:Well I'll sdo my best.THere's nothing more you can think
of Rob.
Rob:Nothing.
Mr bowler walks to the door , turning suddenly to ask.
Mr Bowler:Did you Robert Bowler kill Mrs Julia Hickman?
Rob looks shocked , Hanna lifts her head and looks with
Unseeing eyes at Rob.
Rob:No. (he shouts)
Mr Bowler:Sorry for doing that Rob , but I have to know.
Hanna:Of course he didn't do it.
Mr Bowler:I know you didn't , now we have to convince the police.
Hanna:Is there anything you need Rob?.
Rob:Just sleep , I haven't had any rest since finishing
the night shift.
Mr Bowler:I better be going then.
Hanna:Can you give me a lift home?
Mr Bowler:Certainly.
Rob:Bye then.
Mr Bowler:See you.
Hanna:It will be ok Rob, just try and get some rest.
Hanna and Mr Bowler leave the interview room,and walk
to the station desk.
Mr Bowler:Sgt , I'm having another blood match done.I'll have a
friend do it tonight.This will prove that the blood on
Mr Towers was in fact from his boss.
Sgt Jones:Rob certainly appears to have friends that count.
Mr Bowler:Well he is innocent.
Sgt Jones:I'm afraid is a bit more complicated, it seems Mr
Towers inherits the majority of Mrs Hickman's estate,we
had a call from Templeton and Co.
Mr Bowler:So even when the blood test comes through , he'll still
be held.
Sgt Jones:Well he does have a reason for killing her.
Hanna:He did not do it , he's a nice boy .
Sgt Jones:Personally I think that too , but in the absence of
anything else to go on then .
Mr Bowler:Quite, well I'll go and see Jimmmy then.
Sgt Jones:Who's that?
Mr Bowler:Mr Templeton to you.
With that Mr Bowler leaves , Hanna at his side, In the
background we see Pc.Reed leading Rob back to the cells.
In Mr Bowler's car , Hanna is beside him .
Mr Bowler:Well where to?
Hanna:Could you drive me to Julie's ?
Mr Bowler:I don't think that would be proper ,It would upset you,
besides how would we get in?.
Hanna:I have a spare , Julie had a spare key to my house too.
Mr Bowler:What do you want to do there?
Hanna:Say goodbye.To Julie and the house and the garden.
Mr Bowler:I suppose you insist.
Hanna:I do.You know where it is, the blue house , up the road
from the blind center.There's some new flats for the
elderly opposite.
Mr Bowler:Ok , I'll drive you , but we cann't stay long , I must
see Mr Templeton , for Rob's sake.
Hanna:You needn't stay ,I can catch the bus home aafter I've
been to Julie's.
Mr Bowler:I can stay a while, perhaps you'll have said your
goodbyes by then.
Hanna:Thank you.
Mr Bowler drives on in silence , he looks with pity at
Hanna.When they get to Julie's a curtain flickers over
the road.Mr Bowler notices it.
Mr Bowler:We are being watched from over the road.
Hanna:I would have thought they'd ave seen enough for th day.
Mr Bowler:You are overlooked by the new development.
He sees the sign "Another Lington Development"
Mr Bowler:I see its a Lington development.
Hanna:It's Sharon Lington spying on us no doubt.
Mr Bowler:A relative?
Hanna:Its her nephew who built the flats.
As they get out of the car , Hanna heads for the garden
first, Mr Bowler, notices Sharon still watching.He then sees
the
Garden.
Mr Bowler:Rob made a great job of the garden.
Hanna:He did us proud , Juklia was very pleased, she'll only
see it from heaven now.
A silent tear trickles from one eye.
Mr Bowler:I see you have a lot of manure.
Hanna:Sharon's nephew gave it.
Mr Bowler:That was very nice of him.
Hanna:I suppose so.
Hanna walks about the garden stopping every now and
then to breath in.
Hanna:I've had enough of the garden lets go inside.
Mr Bowler:Ok.
He follows as Hanna goes around to the front of the
house then she takes the key fron her pocketa and they
go in.Mr Bowler looks up as they go in , Sharon is
still watching.Hanna leads the way to the sitting
room
Hanna:I just want to sit on the settee and remember how things
used to be.Julie and I waiting , Julie would watch Rob
working and give a commentry.It was such fun ,all so
innocent , so peaceful.
Mr Bowler:It must have been.
As they walk Hanna stumbles ,Mr Bowler catches her, he
sees
a watch , so he picks it up.He hands it to Hanna.
Hanna:I remember telling Rob not to slip here, Julie slipped
here too , What's this your giving me?
Mr Bowler:Your watch.
Hanna:I have my watch here.
She shows him her watch and opens it to tell the time.
Hanna:This is a fob watch.
Mr Bowler:It's not Julie's?
Hanna:No.
Mr Bowler:What's it doing here then?
Hanna:Somebody must have dropped it.
Mr Bowler:This could be important we'll have to go back to the
police station.
Hanna:Hurry then.
They hurriedly leave the house and get back into Mr
Bowler's car and drive off for the police station.Over
the road Sharon's curtain twitches again she reaches for
her
phone.He drums her fingers impatiently while she waits
for an answer.
Sharon:Ken I'm worried .
Ken:Why what's happened?
Sharon:Hanna has just came back to the house with a man in a suit,
he must be a detective he had no uniform on , they were
only inside for a moment then they left in a hurry.
Ken:Don't panic , its probably nothing , how can a blind lady
cause any trouble.
Sharon:I suppose you are right.
Ken:Did the police come around.
Sharon:Yes how did you know. (SHE IS PANICY)
Ken:Calm down its obvious , they always call at neighbouring
houses when there is a death.
Sharon:I still think its wrong putting the blame on Rob.
Ken:Do you want to go to jail instead?
Sharon:No but I wish there was some other way out.
Ken:Well there isn't so stay calm , and keep your mouth shut.
Sharon:I had to talk to the police this morning though.
Ken:What did you say.
Sharon:Only that I heard him at the house yesterday evening , he
ruined Dallas with all his noise on his bike.
Ken:You didn't admit to calling them. (HE IS ON EDGE)
Sharon:No of course not
Ken:I think everything will be ok for us, I've got to go now.
Sharon:Bye.
Ken:Bye.
Sharon puts down her phone then heads for a cupboard saying
Sharon:Now where did I leave my fob watch.
(fade out)
At the police station Hanna stays in the car while Mr
Bowler hurries inside.To the Pc. at the desk.
Mr Bowler:My name is Mr Bowler I am the defence solicitor for Mr
Rob Towers.I drove Mrs Hanna Gordon to the house of Mrs
Julie Hickman , whose murder you are enquiring into.
Desk Pc:Yes Sir?
Mr Bowler:Well I found this there.
He hands over the fob watch.
Mr Bowler:Mrs Gordon tells me it did not belong to the deceased,so
the murder could have left it.
Desk Pc:I'll tell the inspector.
He goes and comes back with the inspector.
Ins Spence:Thank you for providing us with another lead.
Mr Bowler:It will prove that Rob did not dod it. (He'S EXCITED)
Ins Spence:Or he had an acomplice, you do know he benefits from
the will.
Mr Bowler:I'm going to speak to the deceased solicitor right
now.
Ins Spence:As you like Sir.
As Mr Bowler walks off the INspector turns to the PC.
Ins Spence:Everybody thinks they are a policeman , Tv has a lot
to answer for.
Desk Pc:And the watch Sir?
Ins Spence:Send it to forensics.
Mr Bowler drives off , he drops Hanna off then
continues driving till he gets to the solicitors.
At Julie's solicitor Mr Bowler goes in as he is tiding
his desk.
George:Hello Peter.
Mr Bowler:Hello George , I just want to get things straight from
the horse's mouth.
George:Its only bread and butter stuff we do here.
George carries on tiding his desk , he buzzes for his
secretary.He hands her a folder ,she drops it , as Mr
Bowler is smiling at her
George:She used to do that all the time when you used to work
here.
Mr Bowler:I miss it.
Mr Bowler helps her put photos back in the folder , one
catches his eys , so he hold on to it.The caption is
"Lington Dvelopments , Good enough for anybody's Aunty".
George:I'm doing some conveyancing.
Mr Bowler:I went past one today.It's just opposite where Mrs
Hickman was killed.
George looks at the photo too,
George:That's Ken Lington , its his aunt in the picture , a
client is buying one flat.He wanted to buy Mrs
Hickman's house to develop the site.
Mr Bowler:So that was when Mrs Hickman changed her will.
George:Yes , she wanted her garden to go to somebody who would
love it.
Secretary:Can I have the photo back please Peter.
Me Bowler:Oh of course , still open to offers Penny , she
blushes.
Secretary:Subject to contract.
She walks away , suddenly Mr Bowler shouts.
Mr Bowler:Penny ,wait.
He snatches the folder back and looks at the photo.
Mr Bowler:That's it , the very one we found this morning.
He kisses Penny several times.
George:Shall I leave the room?
Mr Bowler:Mrs Hickman has a friend , Hanna Gordon, we went to the
house this morning so Hanna could say goodbye.We found a
watch I'd swear it was the same one.
George:And If She had turned down a Lington development offer
THen.
Mr Bowler:Lington has more reason to kill than a harmless biker.
George:I can tell you this in confidence, Lington has cash flow
problems , he's practically giving away his flats on his
new site.
Mr Bowler:Can I have this photo?
George:Of course, anything else you want to ask.
Mr Bowler:Only will Penny have dinner with me on friday.
THe secretary nods and with a handshake to George and
another peck to Penny Mr Bowler is off. He bounds up
the police station steps.
Desk Pc:Back already Sir can I help you?
Mr Bowler:The Inspector quick.
The inspector comes again.
Ins Spence:Yes Sir. (He is a little fed up)
Mr Bopwler:I have found the culprit and have proof.
Ins Spence:Do tell me Sir.
Mr Bowler shows the photo.
Ins Spence:Well Sir?
Mr Bowler:The watch she is wearing is the same one as I handed
in.
Ins Spence:Could be a coincidence.
Mr Bowler:Did you know that Ken Lington of Lington Developments
wanted to buy Mrs Hickman's house and he has cash
flow problems.
Ins Spence:Wouldn't that mean he couldn't buy any more.
Mr Bowler:Or he needs quick turnover .
Ins Spence:Did we get a statement from this lady.
The inspector points to Sharon in the photo.
Desk Pc:I took it myself sir , she said the noise from the
motor bike disturbed Dallas last night.
Ins Spence:Which matches time of death.
At that moment the cleaner walks by.
Cleaner:It was terrible about Dallas last night , the video
tape bust in the machine and they couldn't fix it.
Ins Spence:What did you say.?
Cleaner:They put bloody David Attenborough on instead , as the
tape bust in the machine , Dallas will be shown the
day after tomorrow.
Desk Pc:She distinctly said she was watching Dallas.
The cleaner walks of cursing "Bloody David
Attenborough"
Ins Spence:Well we have giving a false statement for starters.
Mr Bowler:Do you believe me then.
Ins Spence:Lets say I have an open mind, I suppose you'd like to
come with me?
Mr Bowler:Lets's say I'd like to hear you discuss Dallas with
her.
The Inspector leaves the station with Mr bowler at his
side.At Sharon Lington's from door the inspector
rings.
Ins Spence:Hello , I'm inspector Spence.I want to ask you one
or two more questions.
Sharon:You better come in then.
They come inside , they see a suitcase packed.
Sharon:It was most upsetting the death of Mrs Hickman,my
nephew is sending me away on holiday , he's picking me
up soon.
Mr Bowler and the inspector exchange glances.
Ins Spence:This won't take long.Can you remind me of what you said
to my Pc.
Sharon:I was watching Dallas his bike interferes with the tv,I
couldn't hear what was going on .
Ins Spence:That's enough.You did watch all of Dallas.
Sharon:Of course, it is silly but its great entertainment.
Ins Spence:I suppose it is , only it was not on last night.
Sharon fingers her pearls nervously.
Mr Bowler:You wouldn't have the time at all my watch is playing
up.
Sharon looks instinctively at her cardigan where her
watch should be.
Ins Spence:You wouldn't have lost it would you.
Sharon:I appear to have lost it.I had it yesterday.
Ins Spence:Would you like to come to the station with me , I think
you can help with our enquiries.
Sharon:But my nephew is due at any moment ,he rang to say he
had arranged a flight and a hotel , he's coming with me
too.
Ins Spence:I think he will be coming with you -to the station.
At that moment the doorbell rings- its Ken.He sees the
inspector and gulps.
Ins Spence:Are you Ken Lington?
Ken:Yes.
Ins Spence:Would you mind coming with me to the station.
Sharon:It was an accident , I didn't do anything , Ken argued
Ken:Shut up you stuck up bitch.
Ken makes a run for it only to be thrown by Mr
Bowler.The inspector then cuffs Ken.And looks at Mr
Bowler smiling.
Ins Spence:You'r a dark horse.
Mr Bowler:Rob and the other bikers always say I'm a weed so I
took up judo.I'm a brown belt now.
Ins Spence:Lets all go to the station then.
At the station Hanna is sitting in a corner as The
Lingtons are led to the cells.
Mr Bowler:What are you doing here?
Hanna:I wanted to be near Rob ,I felt useless sitting at home
Ins Spence:Well your faith has been rewarded , Pc release Mr
Towers
Rob is brought up and he embraces Hanna, tears of joy
stream down her face.Hand in hand they walk out of the
station , with the Inspector and Mr Bowler watching.
The End....Guardian Angel
Email michaelgcasey@hotmail.com
Shoplife (c)
by
Michael Casey
Opening Scene
Two women are standing outside Blair's store.They are
talking while their children pull faces at one another, each woman
also has pushchair.Behind them is Blair's store , it is three
shops knocked into one.The letter "B" from the sign is leaning
back at an angle , the "S" from the word "store" is missing , just
a stain remains forming an "S".
We hear the women talk.
Mrs Adams:Yes they are in trouble you know.The shop over Kingsford
way closed last week .That's three in as many months.
Mrs West:I didn't know that.
WITHOUT BREAKING OFF FROM HER CONVERSATION MRS WEST
SLAPS ONE OF HER CHILDREN WHO IS SPITTING AT A SPIDER.
Mrs West:That's really terrible , I remember my mother and me
having a look around when it opened, we used to live
over that way then.
Mrs Adams:Well its closed now.
THEY BOTH TUT TUT AND DRAG ON THEIR CIGARETTES ,
COUGHING OVER THEIR PUSHCHAIRS.MRS ADAMS THEN SLAPS ONE OF
HER
CHILDREN , WHO HAS TAKEN UP THE SPIDER SPITTING
Mrs West:It's broken old Mr Blair's heart.This shop isn't safe
either.
THEY BOTH TURN AND LOOK AT THE SHOP , SHAKING THEIR
HEADS.TURNING BACK THEY SIMULTANEOUSLY SLAP THEIR KIDS.
WHO HAVE BEEN DOING MORE SPIDER SPITTING
Kids:We haven't done anything!.
Mrs Adams:Well it'll do for another time.
Kids:That's not fair!
Mrs West:It's what your gran said to us when WE were young
MRS ADAMS AND MRS WEST LOOK AT ONE ANOTHER THEN BURST
OUT LAUGHING.BEHIND THEM AN OLD MERCEDES PULLS UP.AN
OLD MAN GETS OUT HELPED BY A MAN IN HIS EARLY FOURTIES.
THE YOUNGER MAN HAS WHITE HAIR.THE WOMAN SPOT THEM
Mrs West:Thats old Mr Blair and his son.
THE WOMEN WAVE AND SHOUT "HELLO MR BLAIR , YOU ALRIGHT"
OLD MR BLAIR WAVES BACK AND THEN WALKS STIFFLY INSIDE
THE SHOP.HIS SON PAUL JUST DASHES IN.
Mrs Adams:I've always liked old Mr Blair , he always has time for
you even if its only just a wave.That Paul is always in
a hurry , he just wants his way straight away.
Mrs West:He is under a lot of pressure you know , I mean he's
trying to save the business.Didn't I tell you that the
big warehouse of theirs is up for sale.My Ron is looking
for a lock up place to run a garage from and he saw an
ad for their warehouse.
Mrs Adams:The things you learn just by reading the papers.
Mrs West:I know why you really don't like Paul Blair.
Mrs Adams:What's that then.
Mrs West:He tried to take advantage of you in a storeroom
once,when you worked for him,you told me the one night
when we were out celebrating a big win at bingo.That's
the night you conceived Jane.The night of the bingo
celebrations , not with Paul I mean.
SHE POINTS TO THE CHILD IN THE PUSH CHAIR , AS SHE
TALKS .BOTH WOMAN LAUGH.
Mrs Adams:We were both young and free then.
Kids:What does conceive mean, mummy?
Mrs Adams:Never you mind we must be off home now.
AS THE WOMAN PART MRS WEST SPITS AND SCORES A BULLS EYE
ON THE SPIDER
THE SCENE CHANGES TO INSIDE THE STORE.OLD MR BLAIR IS
TALKING TO ONE OF THE CHECKOUT WOMEN
Mr Blair:Yes things do look black Bernadette.
(Snr)
HE SHAKES HIS HEAD AS HE SAYS THIS , BERNADETTE
SERVES A WOMAN , BERNADETTE IS PAINFULLY POLITE , SHE
REALLY
MEANS IT WHEN SHE SAYS "THANK YOU FOR SHOPPING AT
BLAIRS"
SHE TURNS TO SPEAK TO HIM
Bernadette:Don't upset yourself Mr Blair , everything will be
ok , Paul is doing his best.
OVER HER SHOULDER AT THE BACK OF THE SHOP WE SEE
PAUL TALKING TO TONY THE SHOP MANAGER
Mr Blair:I just feel so old and useless , to think it all
started here 50 years ago .Just me and my wife
Lilly.
HE LOOKS AROUND THE STORE AND SIGHS
Mr Blair:In this very store , we worked night and day , then
when trade picked up we bought the one shop next door
then the shop on the other side.It was Lilly who
thought of knocking the walls through.Then we got a
shop in Quingleton and did the same thing.Buy the
shops on either side and turn it into a larger
shop.
Bernadette:Yes ,Mr Blair.
Mr Blair:It was revolutionary in them days , there were no
Indians doing it left right and center.
HE GAZES OUT THE WINDOW , BERNADETTE FOLLOWS HIS
GAZE AND SEES THE INDIAN OPPOSITE TALKING TO
WORKMEN , WHO ARE KNOCKING TWO SHOPS INTO ONE
Mr Blair:I don't hold it against them , they're just doing
the same as I did.
HE SIGHS
Mr Blair:It's just that they seem to have much more energy
than me and Paul.I suppose it would have been
different if I had lots of children to work for
me.
Bernadette:Yes , youv'e only got Paul haven't you.
Mr Blair:Just Paul , Lilly says I worked too hard , we never
have any more.I just wish we did, things would be so
much easier.
Bernadette:Of course.
BERNADETTE TAKES MR BLAIR'S HAND TO COMFORT HIM
Mr Blair:I know one thing anyway , if I ever had a daughter
I'd have loved her to be like you , just like you.
Bernadette:You're making me blush.
MR BLAIR KISSES HER HAND
Mr Blair:I really mean that.
OVER BERNADETTES SHOULDER PAUL IS STILL TALKING TO
TONY.WE MOVE ON TO THEIR CONVERSATION
Paul:I've done my best but I'm afraid its time these were handed
out
HE REACHES INTO HIS POCKET AND BRINGS OUT SEVERAL
ENVELOPES
Tony:I thought this would happen for some time.We all did in fact.
Paul:I'm afraid its the best I can do.It's official notification
of closure.In three months it'll be all over.
Tony:It'll be like splitting up a family.I've been here since I
was sixteen.
Paul:You're still young , at 28 I think you'll find a job.
Tony:I'm not worried about that ,besides I've passed my "A"
Levels at night school.It's the girls I worry for.Especially
Bernadette, you know her sons handicapped and she needs the
money from here to buy the extras you always need with a
handicapped child.
Paul:I know , in fact I've done something already.
HE REACHES INSIDE HIS JACKET AND BRINGS OUT ANOTHER
ENVELOPE, ITS A DIFFERENT COLOUR.HE HANDS IT TO TONY
Paul:This is a reference from me and one from my father.Dad was
the chairman of the traders association a few years ago ,so
it should help.Of course you will write a good one as well.
Tony:Of course , and it'll all be true , Bernadette is a "Born
Again Shop Worker".
THEY BOTH SMILE AND LOOK BACK AT BERNADETTE WHO IS DOING HER
EVER SO POLITE STUFF, ALL PLEASE AND THANKYOUS
Paul:If Bill should turn up can you tell him to take the stuff
back to the warehouse.There's no need to keep the shop topped up
any more.
Tony:As bad as that.
Paul:Worse.If its not the Indians it's the bloody super stores all
strangling us for trade.If dad had let me sell this place to
start with then the whole lot could have been saved.But oh
no , we had to keep it for sentimental reasons.If I sold it
before the area went down the drain then with the oe150,000
in cash I could have moved to a better site or even started
a superstore with our own.I wanted to sell half the shops
and have a giant one but dad said no.
HE SIGHS THEN LOOKS BACK AT HIS FATHER STILL TALKING TO
BERNADETTE ABOUT THE OLD DAYS.
Paul:We won't be poor though , we may go into the property
business in Spain.
Tony:At least you'll have the sun and the girls in bikinis over
there.
0Paul:Talking about girls , have you asked Susan out yet?
Tony:Er , er , well , I mean.
Paul:So you haven't.
Tony:Er , er , well she's always going out with people and she's
only 22.
Paul:That's just the right age.
Tony:But she is a bit too , er , er.
Paul:She probably is.
PAUL LAUGHS HARD , IT HELPS HIM FORGET HIM OTHER
PROBLEMS.TONY SQUIRMS.FROM BEHIND THE TINS OF PEAS A GIRL,
A VERY BUSTY GIRL WITH A SMOULDERING SMILE LOOKS TO SEE
WHAT IS HAPPENING.
Tony:She must have heard you.
Paul:Shall I ask her for a date for you.
Tony:No No. (HE HISSES THIS AND LOOKS DOWN)
SUSAN LOOKS OVER AGAIN , SHE FIXES HER GAZE ON TONY ,HE
SMILES , SUSAN GIVES A LITTLE WAVE AND TONY BLUSHES.
Paul:I better be off , I've a buyer fixed for the warehouse at
noon.What's that smell by the way?
Tony:Ben is making soup again , it smells great, he's always asking
me to try it.
Paul:I don't like Chinese food myself.Anyway I better be off.
Tony:Bye.
Paul:Yes it will be.
PAUL WALKS AWAY , WE SEE HIM AND HIS FATHER TAKE THEIR
LEAVE.WITH BERNADETTE BEING KISSED GOODBYE BY OLD MR BLAIR.
SUSAN GOES OVER TO PAUL AND ASKES POUTINGLY.
Susan:Did you want anything?
(SHE IS VERY SUGGESTIVE)
Tony:NO. (HE CROAKS IT OUT)
Susan:I'll be behind the peas if you do.
SHE WALKS AWAY TONY BITES HIS LIP AND SHE MURMURS TO
HERSELF "I WISH HE'D HURRY UP AND ASK ME OUT , HE'S THE
ONLY REAL GENTELMAN I'VE EVER MET"
TONY CLEARS HIS THROAT AND SHAKES HIS HEAD TO CLEAR IT ,
THEN HE GOES INTO THE STORE ROOM .IN THE STOREROOM IS
BEN THE CHINESE STOREMAN AND BUTCHER
Tony:Can I have a cup of tea Ben.
Ben:Indian ,Ceylon , China or PG tips.
Tony:Whatever's in the pot will do.
Ben:PG tips , my favourite.
Tony:That'll do nicely.
Ben:You want biscuit.I have custard creams.
Tony:Oh that'd be good.
Ben:You want to try my soup?
Tony:Ok , just a bit.
Ben:Here you are then.
BEN PASSES A LADEL WITH SOUP IN IT TO TONY , WHO SIPS
IT.
Tony:Not bad.
Ben:Old recipe of Grandmother.
Tony:Nice.
Ben:You want more?
HE APPROACHES WITH THE LADEL
Tony:Not just now , Ben.
TONY SITS DOWN AT THE TABLE , WHICH IS COVERED IN
NEWSPAPERS , OR RATHER WITH THE "HOROSCOPE" PAGES OF THE
PAPERS
Tony:What do these say then. (HE WAVES HIS HAND AT THEM)
Ben:Not very good day for one star , bad news indeed.
BEN PASSES TONY HIS TEA.
Tony:I know I shouldn't ask but which one is it?
Ben:Virgo.
Tony:What month is that ?
Ben:End August and most of September.When you born , I tell you
your future.
Tony:You just have.
Ben:You Virgo , I always thought you were a Cancer , you move
like man with crabs.
Tony:Pardon.
Ben:You move like crab and you very secretive.
Tony:Oh.
Ben:I read you your future.
Tony:You may as well.
BEN CLEARS HIS THROAT AND HAS A SIP OF TEA THEN CLEARS HIS
THROAT AGAIN BEFORE HAVING ANOTHER SIP OF TEA AND CLEARING HIS
THROAT AGAIN BEFORE FINALLY STARTING
Ben:A time of uncertainty in your career.
TONY GROANS
Ben:However don't be unhappy as a new beginning is just around
the corner.In your romantic thirteenth house an unusual
frosty encounter could mean the beginning of a life long
relationship
Tony:I'll fall in love with the woman at the dole office no doubt.
Ben:These never lie , they very good.
Tony:What do the others say?
Ben:They say the same but in different way.
Tony:A completly differnt way no doubt.
Ben:How you know , you read my papers already.
BEN LOOKS ACCUSINGLY AT TONY
Tony:An inspired guess.
Ben:It also say for Virgo that you or a friend will win a
fortune.
Tony:I'll ring my stock broker immediately .
Ben:You no take the china tea.
Tony:Of course not , of course not.
Ben:Why you come in my storeroom anyhow?
Tony:I need to have a calming drink of tea before I give out
these.
TONY TAKES OUT THE ENVELOPES AND GIVES BEN ONE
Ben:It not my birthday for another week.
Tony:It's the sack.Or rather the sack in 3 months time.
Ben:Your fortune was right then.
Tony:Yes, for all of us.
Ben:You my family here , I miss you when sack comes.
Tony:I'm sorry .I better go and tell the Girls now.If you have any
questions just ask.
TONY SLOWLY AND SADLY GETS UP AND IS AT THE DOOR WHEN BEN
ASKS
Ben:Is it called sack because you put all your things in a sack
when you leave?
Tony:Yes Ben.
TONY TAKES A DEEP BREATH BEFORE OPENING THE DOOR FROM THE
STOREROOM TO THE SHOP.HE WALKS TO THE FRONT BY THE CASH DESKS
HE CLAPS HIS HANDS,GERTIE THE FAT SUPERVISOR LOOKS UP.
Gertie:What do you want?.
Tony:Get the girls to gather around.
AS THEY GATHER AROUNG TONY TAKES THE ENVELOPES FROM HIS
POCKET
Gertie:He's going to do a conjuring trick.
THE GIRLS ALL LAUGH
Tony:I wish I was.
Gertie:What is it then.
WE LOOK AT THE GIRLS FACES ONE BY ONE , ALL TENSE
Tony:Mr Blair was here this morning , he left these.
HE HOLDS UP THE ENVELOPES LIKE CHAMERLAIN DID
Jenny:What are they.
Gertie:It's the sack.
A GASP FROM THE GIRLS
Tony:Notice of closure to be exact.
Gertie:But still the sack.
Tony:We still have 3 months.
Bernadette:Yes , the sack.What am I going to do , I need this
job ,
well any job, to buy things for my son.
Gertie:Yes , what about Bernadette?
Tony:I have a personal refernece from Mr Blair Snr and one from
Paul , I will of course write one myself ,so I'm sure
she'll get fixed up .
Bernadette:Do you think I'll get another job?
Tony:Of course you will , all of you will.You'll all get good
references.
Gertie:Well if that's the case we may as well be happy till the
end ,besides being sad gives you wrinkles ,I don't want to
ruin my looks with them.
TONY LOOKS HER UP AND DOWN AND LAUGHS , GERTIE MUST BE
17 STONES AT LEAST. EVERYBODY LAUGHS.
Tony:We'll all remember you Gertie , always.Oh Jenny can you
tell Ben to tell Bill to take the lorry back to the
warehouse, no need to fill the storeroom up any more.
Jenny:Yes,I'll do that.
JENNY HEADS fOR THE STORE ROOM
Gertie:I'm not doing to forgive you for doubting my beauty.
Tony:So what are you going to do about it?
Lorraine:Let's get his trousers off.
June:Yes lets do that ,I've always said he had a nice bum , lets
have a look
Bernadette:I think that would be a bit much.
BERNADETTE FRETS LIKE MAVIS FROM CORONATION STREET AS GERTIE
LORRAINE AND JUNE EDGE TOWARDS TONY , OTHER GIRLS LOOK ON
Tony:Come on Gertie , ladies, it was only a joke ,I mean you all
laughed
not just me.
June:I still want to see your bum , it's our last chance.
TONY EDGES AWAY , HE LOOKS SUSAN IN THE EYE HOPING FOR
SYMPATHY
SHE JUST SMILES .TONY SMILES BACK , A SPARK HAS GONE BETWEEN
THEM
THE GIRLS MISTAKE THIS AS A COME ON SIGN , A GESTURE OF
DEFIANCE
Gertie:See, he's smiling , he wants us to have his trousers off , see
him
smile he's a teaser.Come on girls.
Tony:Cann't we talk , this is silly.
Gertie:We know it is , but we still want to see you in your Y fronts.
June:What can he do, sack us?
Lorraine:Yes , it doesn't matter now.
TONY STARTS TO WALK BRISKLY AWAY , THE GIRLS FOLLOW , TONY
BREAKS
INTO A RUN THE GIRLS FOLLOW.UP AND DOWN THE ISLES THEY GO ,
WITH
THE TINS OF PEAS AND BEANS GOING EVEYWHERE.THE GIRLS TRAIL
BEHIND
GERTIE CANNOT KEEP UP SO SHE STOPS .TONY INCREASES THE GAP
BETWEEN
HIMSELF AND THE GIRLS , HE LOOKS BACK AS HE RUNS , HE SMILES
,HE
THEN RUNS INTO GERTIE.SHE GRAPLES HIM TO THE GROUND
Gertie:Come on get his trousers off.
Tony:Help , help , Ben , Susan , anybody help.
HIS TROUSERS COME OFF, HIS Y FRONTS SLIP , TO REVEAL HIS
BARE BUM
TONY HURRIEDLY PULL THEM BACK UP
June:That's a nice bum , as good as my second husband's bum.
Lorraine:Much better than any of those in the "Sun".
Tony:The cheek of you lot and call yourself Ladies.
Gertie:It's all your cheek.
THE GIRLS ALL COLLAPSE IN LAUGHTER AS TONY HURRIES AWAY
TRYING
TO LOOK DIGNIFIED WITH HIS CLIPBOARD STILL IN ONE HAND , HE
HEADS FOR THE STOREROOM , BEN IS LOOKING OUT STANDING IN THE
DOORWAY
Ben:Why you no wearing trousers boss?
Tony:You tell me , you are the prophet after all .
THE GIRLS WATCH THE "BOTBEN" DISAPPEAR , FRAMING IT FOR
PHOTOS
WITH THEIR HANDS AND LAUGHING LOUDLY.
Susan:Shall I give him his trousers back?
Gertie:Not now , let him wait , it'll do him good.
June:Did you hear him ask Susan for help , their must be a reason
for
that.
Lorraine:And the look he gave her.Perhaps there's been something
going on
that we don't know about.
June:Come on tell us .
Susan:Don't be ridiculous.
SHE REACHES FOR THE TROUSERS IN GERTIE'S HAND
Gertie:Here are then you can have the trousers , but don't give them
back
for a little while then.
SUSAN TAKES THEM AND HEADS BACK FOR THE TINS OF PEAS.
Susan:I'll tidy up a bit then.
June:Crawler.
WHEN SHE'S OUT OF EARSHOT THE GIRLS TALK ABOUT HER
Lorraine:The look he gave her was a secret look if ever I sawe one.
June:I bet he's on her list
Gertie:A very long list that must be.
THEY ALL LOOK AT HER HEADING DOWN THE ISLES
Lorraine:I think she's a bit of a slag .
Bernadette:That's not a nice thing to say
June:I bet its true though
Gertie:She is a bit bow legged.
THEY WINK AT EACH OTHER
(Fade Out)
WE SEE TONY AND BEN fINISHING TEA
Tony:They'll kill me before they finish , so they will.
Ben:But why you have no trousers.
Tony:The Girls are ioroning them for me.
Ben:Really (HE LOOKS SURPRISES AND BELIEVING)
Tony:Did Jenny give you a message for Bill.
Ben:She say she give it to Bill herself.
Tony:No doubt she will , no doubt she will.
Ben:She like Bill very much.It always funny to me that she help Bill
every time he come.Even when one one box of cornflakes
delivbered.
Tony:And they take such a long time.
Ben:Yes you right , me say that now , only you say first.
Tony:Well Bill has been hit too , this is his last port of call,and
Jenny
his last girl.A girl in every port was Bill , it was a wonder
he had
the strength to do any work.Ten shops we had , ten.
Ben:What mean girl in evry port , me no understand.
TONY SMILES AND CHUCKLES BEFORE ANSWERING
Tony:Bill had a girl to help him in every shop , and we had ten
shops.
Ben:He take long time at other shops too.
Tony:I'd imagine so , I'd imagine so.
OUTSIDE A LARGE LORRY WITH A GOODS LIFT AT THE BACK.THE DOORS
OPEN
A SMALL BALDING MAN WITH MEXICAN MOUSTACHE AND ONE EARRING
OPENS
THE DOORS AND GIVES JENNY A LINGERING KISS , JENNY HAS ONE
PACKET
OF CORNFLAKES IN HER HAND AS THE LIFT GOES DOWN THEY KISS ,
BILL
IS LEFT STANDING AT THE BACK OF THE LORRY SHE IS AT GROUND
LEVEL.
SHE WALKS AWAY AND STOPS AND WAVES , SHE IS DOING UP HER
UNIFORM
BUTTONS.IN HER HAND IS ONE BOX OF FARLEY'S RUSKS , BILL SHOUTS
AFTER
HER
Bill:Don't forget your hanky.
AS JENNY TURNS A PAIR OF UNDIES HITS HER IN THE FACE , SHE
BLUSHES
AS SHE PUTS HER IN HER POCKET.BEN IS WATCHING FROM LOADING BAY
BACK IN THE STOREROOM SUSAN COMES IN AND HAND TONY HIS TROUSERS
Susan:Here you are , it was not my idea you know
Tony:Well so long as it doesn't happen again.
THEY EXCHANGE GLANCES THEY BOTH OPEN THEIR MOUTHS TO SPEAK BUT
DON'T
SUSAN GOES AWAY . BEN COMES BACK INTO THE STOREROOM FROM THE
LOADING
HE IS SCRATCHING HIS HEAD
Ben:I see Bill giving Jenny a hanky , she must have cold .Why it take
so
long for them to unload , when its only one box of cerial?
Tony:Bill has to be careful with his back
BEN RAISES HIS EYSBROWS
Ben:Really , I not know that before .
BEN PICKS UP A BROOM AND GOES OUT OF THE STOREROOM.JENNY COMES
IN
FROM THE LOADING BAY THEN RUSHES THROUGH THE STOREROOM AND INTO
THE
SHOP AGAIN.A FEW MOMENTS LATER BILL COMES IN, AND SITS DOWN
Bill:Where's Ben ,I hoped he'd make me a tea before I took the stuff
back
to the warehouse.
Tony:There should be some in the pot.
Bill:Is it China tea.
Tony:No , his favourite PG tips.
Bill:I'll have a coffee then.
BILL MAKES HIMSELF A COFFEE AND SITS DOWN AGAIN , HE STARTS TO
TALK
AS HE MAKES THE COFFEE
Bill:Things just won't be the same now with Blairs closing.
Tony:But surly you'll get a job.
Bill:Of course I will , I can drive anything , HGV Class 1 I am.
BILL TAKES A SIP Of COffEE AND REACHES FOR A BISCUIT
Bill:No its the perks I'll miss.
TONY LOOKS PUZZLED FOR A SECOND
Bill:PERKS!
Tony:Oh I get you.
Bill:Jenny has always been my favourite , though Susan is a
knockout ,but
she's always been distant with me.
TONY LOOKS RELIEVED
Bill:Ten shops Blairs had , and I had a girl to help me unload in
every
shop
Tony:Really?
TONY IS TRYING TO HIDE A MIXTURE OF ENVY AND DISGUST
Bill:Mandy was one of the best , over at Quingelton , not very
attractive
HE TAKES OUT HIS fALSE TEETH ASND SUCKS THEM TONY IS SHOCKED
Bill:but she made a great sandwich which we shared afterwards.
BILL NOTICES TONY STARING
Bill:Not many people know I have these.
HE HOLDS THEM UNDER TONY'S NOSE SO HE CAN SEE THEM
Tony:Thanks.
HE CRINGES
Bill:Then there was Jane , she had such a smile , and a tongue
HE PUTS HIS TEETH BACK IN
Bill:Then there was Mary , she had this birthmark
HE WINKS AT TONY
Bill:Debbie was special , she always had a present for me on my
birthday
Tony:No doubt you'll miss them all.
Bill:It will be a strain you knopw , a wrench after all these years.
BILL LOOKS IN HIS POCKETS FOR A HANKY , HE CANNOT FIND ONE.
Bill:You cann't lend me your hanky can you?
Tony:No! But there are some Kleenex in the shop.
Bill:It doesn't matter that much.
SO HE LEANS BACK ON HIS CHAIR AND BLOWS HIS NOSE ON A TEA CLOTH.
Bill:Yes its a terrible thing Blairs closing down ,The girls all
cried
at the other shops when I saw them for the last time
Tony:Er , well , but , what I mean to say is how , is that...
BILL BUTTS IN
Bill:Why am I so sexy.
TONY IS SPEECHLESS FOR A SECOND AS HE STARES AT THE BALDING POT
BELLIED UNSHAVEN MAN IN FRONT OF HIM , BILL HAS AN EAR RING IN
ONE
EAR TOO , SUNGLASSES IN HIS TORN SHIRY POCKET.
Bill:I just my personality isn't it.
BIll GETS UP FROM THE TABLE AND FARTS
Bill:Was that you?
Tony:NO !
Bill:It must have been me then.I better be off , I've got to buy the
wife
an anniversary present. its the girlfriends bithday too.See you.
Tony:See you . (HE SAYS LIMPLY)
TONY SHAKES HIS HEAD fROM SIDE TO SIDE IN DISBELIEF
Tony:He's a one man population explosion , and I cann't even ask
Susan out
fADEOUT
AT THE DAIRY COUNTER LORRAINE HAS HER PERSONAL STEREO ON
Lorraine:What cheese shall I try first I like the Brie , but the
Rochefort
is very good.
LORRAINE'S FACE IS COVERED IN SPOTS , A RESULT OF TOO MUCH
CHEESE
EATING.CAREFLLY SHE TAKES A PORTION OFF ONE CHEESE WITH A
KNIFE
SHE TAKES FROM HER OVERALL POCKET.THEN REACHING UNDER THE
COUNTER
SHE GETS SOME "TESCO'S OWN BRAND CHEESE MATES BISCUITS" OUT OF
HER
BAG.THEN SHE CLOSES HER EYES AND EATS THE CHEESE ON THE
BISCUIT
A CUSBENER APPEARS DRESSED IN PEARLS AND TWEED
Customer:Well , that must be good judging by the look on your face.
LORRAINE OPENS HER EYES AND IS SLICHTLY SHOCKED
Lorraine:Well er yes it was.Can I her you Madame
Customer:I'm having a wine and cheese party , what cheese do you
recommend
Lorraine:Well I always like Brie , then there's Edam of course and
the
Rochefort is always a nice one.And if you want a nice
English one
then I 'd say the Red Leicester cann't be beaten
THE CUSTOMER LOOKS SUITABLE IMPRESSED .LORRAINE KNOWS ABOUT
CHEESE BUT SHE IS OTHERWISE AS THICK AS TWO SHORT PLANKS
Customer:Well if you make me up a selection of those , say 12 ounces
of
each.
LORRAINE LOOKS DOWN AT THE DISPLAY , OVER TWENTY CHEESES
ARE THERE
Lorraine:12 ounnces times twenty?
Customer:Yes , the management are coming over.
Lorraine:Sounds nice.
Customer:Yes it is.Its to celebrate a new expansion at the
Hypermarket.
LORRAINE's FACE DROPS.
Customer:Have I said anything wrong?
Lorraine:The store's closing after 50 years and partly because of the
Hypermarket .
Customer:Oh I am sorry , but that's life.
LORRAINE FINISHES THE ORDER
Customer:I'll have a word with my husband over the phone perhaps
there is
something he can do
SHE IS CONCERNED FOR LORRAINE
Lorraine:It would be really great if you could do that.
Customer:I cann't promise but I'll do my best
Lorraine:Anything else?
Customer:Do you have any of those biscuits to go with cheese, you
know
the kind I mean.
LORRAINE MOVES SLIGHTLY TO ONE SIDE SO THE CUSBENER CANN'T
SEE
HER PICKINGS AND HER OWN BISCUITS BEHIND HER
Lorraine:Actually the one's we have don't do justice to the cheese
Customer:You're a true connoiseur.
Lorraine:Er yes.
Customer:That'll be all then.
THE CUSBENER PAYS , THEN WITH A TWIRL OF HER TWEED SKIRT
AND HER
PEARLS BOBBING UP AND DOWN SHE GOES AWAY.LORRAINE REACHES
BEHIND
AND PICKS UP HER CHEESE AND BISUIT
Lorraine:Stupid Cow , came in here to gloat she did , its her husband
who
is putting us out of work.
LORRAINE HELPS HERSELF TO SOME MORE CHEESE
Lprraine:I wonder what "connoiseur is ? I'll ask Jane when she comes
in.
LORRAINE FINISHES HER SNACK THEN LOOKS AT HER REFLECTION
IN THE
BACON SLICER
Lorraine:My spots aren't getting any better.
LORRAINE TILTS HER HEAD ONE WAY THEN ANOTHER TO GET A
BETTER
LOOK
Lorraine:I'll have to put some ointment on.
SHE REACHES UNDER THE COUNTER AND BRINGS OUT HER BAG , SHE
LOOKS
FOR AND FINDS HER OINTMENT.THEN SHE PUTS IT ON HER FACE
WHILE
LOOKING AT HER REFLECTION IN THE BACON SLICER
Lorraine:I wonder if the cheese has anything to do with spots
AT THAT MOMENT ANOTHER CUSBENER APPEARS , SHE SEES LORRAINE
WITH
THE OINTMENT , LORRAINE THINKS FAST AND STARTS RUBBING IT ON
THE
THE BACON SLICER
Lorraine:It's a vegetable based lubricant , for the bacon slicer
Woman:Really?
THE WOMAN LOOKS SURPRISED BUT BELIEVES LORRIANE
Lorraine:What can I do for you?
Woman:I'll have some ham please , 8 ounzes.
LORRAINE GULPS AND SLIPS THE OINTMENT INTO HER OVERALL
POCKET
Lorraine:Off the bone?
SHE REACHES FOR THE CARVING KNIFE HOPING ITS OFF THE BONE
Woman:No , the cheaper one , sliced please.
LORRAINE GULPS AGAIN
Lorraine:Certainly Madame.
THE WOMAN IS WATCHING CLOSELY SO LORRIANE CANNOT RUB THE
OINTMENT
OFF
Lorraine:80P , is that ok?
Woman:Yes , it looks luvly.
THE WOMAN TEARS A PIECE OFF AND EATS IT , LORRAINE CLOSES
HER
EYES
Woman:This is really nice , here you try some
SHE OfFERS IT TO LORRAINE
Woman:A little tangy , but nice.Are you sure you won't try some?
Lorraine:No thanks.
Woman:You must be sick of food surrounded by it all day , I
suppose
Lorraine:Anything else?
Woman:No.Er on second thoughts I'll have another 8 ounzes of the
ham,
it is really good , it has an after taste even better than
the
one when you eat it.Are you sure you won't try a bit.
Lorraine:I'm on a diet.
Woman:Here's oe2.
Lorraine:40p change.
Woman:Bye
Lorraine:Bye
AS THE WOMAN GOES AWAY LORRAINE HURRIEDLY CLEANS THE BACON
SLICER
THEN SHE HOLDS THE OINTMENT TO HER NOSE AND SNIFfS , SHE
PUTS
SOME ON HER FINGER AND DITHERS AS TO TASTE IT OR NOT ,IN
THEN END
SHE GOES "UGH" AND DOES NOT.IN THE BACKGROUND THE CUSBENER
IS
PECKING AT THE HAM AS SHE LEAVES THE STORE. TONY WALKS BY
AND
SHE LORRAINE WATCHING THE WOMAN
Tony:Is everything ok?
Lorraine:Yes.
TONY LOOKS AT THE WOMAN AND THEN LORRAINE , THEN WITH A
PUZZLED
LOOK ON HIS FACE HE WALKS AWAY. LORRAINE BURSTS OUT
LAUGHING AS
TONY WALKS AWAY. SO TONY CHECKS HIS FLIES AND HIS BACKSIDE.
Tony:I hope they didn't rip my trousers. (AS HE CHECKS HIMSELf)
Fade Out
BIG GERTIE IS AT THE CHECKOUT SERVING WHEN A DRUNK
COMES IN
HE DISAPPEARS fOR A MOMENT THEN RETURNS TO THE CHECKOUT
WITH
ONE TIN OF BEANS , HE PAYS FOR THESE THEN LEAVES , HIS
JACKET
FLAPS OPEN TO REVEAL A BOTTLE OF JOHNIE WALKER.IN THE
INSIDE
POCKET.GERTIE CARRIES ON SERVING , A CROWD IS FORMING
LORRAINE COMEWS RUSHING TO THE CHECKOUT FROM THE BACK
Lorraine:Did that man pay for the Johnie Walker , I saw him put it in
his
pocket.
Gertie:No.I didn't see any whiskey.
Lorraine:Well I did and he put it in his inside pocket
GERTIE LOOKS OUTSIDE AND SEES THE MAN STAGGERING AWAY
Lorraine:Shall I go after him?
Gertie:No leave this to me , it's my responsibility , I'm
supervisor
Lorraine:What shall I do?
Gertie:Serve these people.
GERTIE EDGES OUT FROM BEHIND THE CHECKOUT , HER 17 STONE
PLUS
FRAME IS ALMOST WEDGED THERE.LORRAINE TAKES HER PLACE , THE
CUSBENERS DON'T WANT TO BE SERVED THEY WANT TO SEE WHAT WILL
HAPPEN.SO LORRAINE AND THE CUSBENERS WATCH GERTIE.
GERTIE WADDLES AFTER THE DRUNK , SWINGING HER LEGS FROM THE
HIP
AS FAT PEOPLE DO
IN THE STREET
Gertie:You come here! Stop Theif!
AN OLD MAN IN THE STREET JUMPS WITH FRIGHT , A BABY IN A
PUSH
CHAIR STARTS TO CRY. THE DRUNK LOOKS OVER HIS SHOULDR THEN
SPEEDS UP , TO AVOID GERTIE IF HE CAN.
Gertie:Stop Thief!
AGAIN THE WHOLE STREET IS FRIGHTENED , THE DRUNK SPEEDS UP
SO DOES GERTIE. SHE HAS TO JUGGLE HER BUSSOM AS SHE TRIES
TO
CATCH UP.
THE DRUNK BUMPS INTO SOMEBODY THEN MOVES ON , GERTIE IS
CLOSING
THE DRUNK LOOKS OVER HIS SHOULDER , THEN BUMPS INTO A
TREE ,
GERTIE HAS A TRICKLE OF SWEAT ROLL DOWN HER FACE AND NECK
SHE TAKES A DEEP BREATH THEN LUNGES
17 STONES PLUS LAND ON THE DRUNK , THE DRUNK LANDS WITHOUT
BREAKING THE BOTTLE , AN ABILITY ALL DRUNKS HAVE.
Gertie:Just because I'm a defenceless woman you think you can take
advantage of me.
THE WHOLE STREET IS WATCHING NOW , THE CUSBENER AND
LORRAINE
HAVE MOVED OUT OF THE SHOP TO WATCH
Gertie:You men are all the same you take take take.Men you can keep
them,
I saw.
SHE SNATCHES BACK THE BOTTLE , BEFORE GETTING UP AND
STANDING
ON THE DRUNK AGAIN. THE DRUNKS MOANS BUT DOES NOT MOVE AT
ALL
Gertie:But you'r not taking this.
SHE IS TRIUMPHANT , THE STREET APPLAUDES , THE BABY IS
STILL
CRYING IN THE BACKGROUND , ITS MOTHER GIVES GERTIE A STARE
AS SHE PASSES.GERTIE ENTERS THE STORE TO APPLAUSE.
SHE CARRIES THE BOTTLE ARROUND LIKE AN OLYMPIC TORCH AND
PUTS
IT BACK ON THE SHELF , THEN EDGES BACK BEHIND THE TILL.
Gertie:Next paying customer please!
EVERYBODY LAUGHS
Customer:Well done Gertie.
OTHER CUSBENERS SAY THE SAME , GERTIE IS HEAVING AND
"GLOWING
LORRAINE COMES AND SPRAYS HER WITH "BODY MIST" BEFORE
PUTTING IT
BACK ON THE SHELF.AS GERTIE SERVES SHE DROPS SOMEBODIES
CHANGE
SHE BENDS DOWN AND PICKS IT UP.AS SHE GETS UP A LARGE ,AND
FAT
MAN APPEARS , HE WATCHES HER GET UP.
HE LOOKS AT THE TRICKLE OF SWEAT ON HER BREAST , AS SHE
RAISES
HER HEAD HE LOOKS INTO HER EYES , GERTIE KNOWS WHAT HE'S
BEEN
LOOKING AT , BUT SMILES NONE THE LESS
ITS LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT.
GERTIE PRETENDS TO SLIP , A STRONG HAND HELPS HER UP ,AND
HOLDS
ON A BIT LONGER THAN NEED BE.
Gertie:Thank you ,I'm a bit tired , I had to deal with a shoplifter.
Keith:They can be trouble at times.
HE SMILES AT HER , GERTIE'S EYES OPEN WIDER , ITS LOVE.
Gertie:Your Keith aren't you?
Keith:Yes.Do you want any health food products.
HE SHOWS HIS CASE
Gertie:We could both do with those.
THEY BOTH LAUGH , ONLY THEY EXIST , JUST THEM , ITS LOVE
Gertie:I'm afraid you had a wasted journey , the store's closing
Keith:So you won't be seeing me anymore.
Gertie:Fraid so (SHE SIGHS)
Keith:I may as well go then.
HE TURNS TO GO , AT THE DOOR HE TURNS AND LOOKS AT HER
HE HALF OPENS HIS MOUTH , GERTIE COCKS AN EAR , HE TURNS
AWAY TO LEAVE.GERTIE LOOKS SAD , THEN WITH A LOOK OF
DETERMINATION AND HOPE SHE SAWS
Gertie:We should really have a drink to saw goodbye , after all
you've
been coming here a few months.
KEITH TURNS BACK
Keith:Yes , I was thinking of that.
Gertie:We could meet at eight , outside . (SHE's HOPING)
Keith:Yes at eight then.
GERTIE GETS OUT FROM BEHIND THE TILL AND STANDS BY HIM , HE
IS
NOTICEABLY TALLER THAN HER.THEY LOOK LIKE TWO TOBY JUGS ,
ON IMPULSE KEITH BENDS DOWN AND GIVES HER A PECK.
GERTIE IN RETURN GRABS HIM , AND GIVES HIM A REAL SMACKER.
SO A LITTLE SHOCKED , BUT WITH A HUGH SMILE KEITH LEAVES.
GERTIE WAVES HIM OFF, STANDING IN THE DOORWAY
WE SEE HIM WAVING THEN TOOT EIGHT TIMES , FOR THE TIME THEY
WILL
MEET.
IT STARTS TO RAIN , THIS RAIN IS THE GOOD SAMARITAN THAT
REVIVES
THE WOODBE SHOPLIFTER , AS HE GETS UP , STILL STUNNED, WE
SEE
GERTIE GO BACK IN THE SHOP.
(FADEOUT)
THE NEXT DAY .....A CUSBENER IS BEING SERVED BY GERTIE
Gertie:You'll have to go somewhere else for your butter Mrs
Harvey.
Mrs Harvey:Why's that.
Gerie:The shops closing in three months time , we all got a
letter
yesterday.Here look.
GERTIE REACHES INTO HER POCKET AND SHOWS MRS HARVEY THE
LETTER
MRS HARVEY LOOKS AT IT THEN HANDS IT BACK
Mrs Harvey:I am sorry , what will you all do?
Gertie:The young uns will be ok but for the rest of us...
GERIE SHRUGS HER SHOULDERS
Mrs Harvey:I am so sorry , but you don't look so sad do you?
Gertie:Well I'm still on cloud nine from last night.
Mrs Harvey:Oh do tell me more.
GERTIE LOOKS AROUND BEFORE SPEAKING CONSPIRATORILY
Gertie:I was out last night - with a man.
Mrs Harvey:How nice.
Gertie:We went for a meal at an Italian place.It was great.
Mrs Harvey:My husband , God Rest Him , was Italian , a prisoner of
war.
Gertie:I did not know that.
Mrs Harvey:But carry on tell me more.
Gertie:Well it was reaaly nice , afterwards we went for a stroll
before going back to the car .We spotted a French place.
Mrs Harvey:Yes they do do good food them frenchies.
Gertie:I know , we went in and had a meal there too.
Mrs Harvey:Ypu are naughty.
Gertie:But it was great.And afterwards it was so good too.
GERTIE WINKS , MRS HARVEY IS SLIGHTY FLUSTERED.
Mrs Harvey:Oh you are naughty.
Gertie:Well everybody is doing it.
Mrs Harvey:Perhaps I'm old fashioned.
Gertie:I'm seeing him again tonight.I have a feeling this is
something
special.
Mrs Harvey:If you are sure.
GERTIE GLOWS AND SIGHS WITH PLEASURE AT THE THOUGHT OF
THE
PREVIOUS NIGHTS EVENTS
Mrs Harvey:I suppose its alright then , but make sure he is serious
and
not after you for one thing.
Gertie:I'vew got him around my little finger.
GERTIE HOLDS UP HER FINGER , THEY BOTH GIGGLE
Gertie:It's just the half pound of marg and the litre of Johnie
Walker
as usual.
Mrs Harvey:Yes , that's right.The marg has gone up 3p , I may have to
switch brands.
Gertie:oe11.50 please
Mrs Harvey:Here's oe12.
Gertie:50p change.
Mrs Harvey:Just make sure that this man of yours is not a jiggalo.
AS SHE WALKS AWAY , KEITH COMES IN , HE HAS A BUNCH OF
FLOWERS
IN HIS HAND.HE EMBRACES GERTIE.ITS LIKE SUMO WRESTLERS
KISSING
Keith:I was passing , I just wanted to see you again , here these
are
for you .
HE HANDS HER THE FLOWERS
Keith:I hope I wasn't too , er , er , well you know , last night.
Gertie:You were wonderful.
GERTIE GRAPS HIM BY THE THRAOT AND THEY EMBRACE AGAIN
Keith:You took my breath away.
Gertie:I'm sorry.
Keith:No , not now , last night.
Gertie:I'm sorry for last night then.
Keith:I meant it as a compliment.
GERTIE FLUTTERS HER EYELIDS LID A GIANT WALLRUSS.
Keith:I'll see you at eight then .I've had a idea , I want to ask
you
about it tonight.
Gertie:What do you mean?
Keith:I'll tell you tonight.
KEITH WALKS AWAY LEAVING GERTIE PERPLEXED.IS IT MARRIAGE?
TONY WALKS UP TO THE TILL AND SPEAKS TO GERTIE
Tony:Have you seen Bernadette?
Gertie:She's by the peas with Susan.But why do you want to know?
Tony:The manager of the hypermarket rung to say he'd interview any
staff
that cared to come along.So I thought I'd give Bernadette the
first
crack at it.I've written her a reference to go with the ones
the
Blairs wrote.
HE HOLDS UP THE ENVELOPES
Gertie:That's great news.Quick go tell her.
SHE PUSHES TONT AWAY SENDING HIM FLYING , HE CARRIES ON
WALKING
TO THE PEAS , RUBBING HIS ARM
Tony:I want you to go to the Hypermarket Bernadette.
Bernadette:You want me to buy you something?
Tony:No silly I want you to have an interview.Here take these.
HE HANDS HER THE REFERENCES
Bernadette:What are these?
Tony:References, now go straight away!
BERNADETTE HAND THE PRICING GUN TO SUSAN AND HURRIES AWAY
UNBUTTONING HER OVERALL AS SHE GOES. SUSAN STARES AT TONY
Susan:You can be dead masterful when you want.I like that in a man.
Tony:Er yes , I think I better go and talk to Ben.
TONY HURRIES AWAY FEELING UNCOMFORTABLE AS IS SUSAN IS
MENTALLY
UNDRESSING HIM. SUSAN LOOKS AFTER HIM.
Susan:I wish he'd hurry up and ask me out before its too late.
FADEOUT
WE NEXT SEE BERNADETTE AT INTERVIEW AT THE HYPERMARKET
TWO MEN AND A WOMAN ARE INTERVIEWING HER
Bernadette:Here are my references.You know I can only work part time
because of my son
THE WOMAN TAKES THE REFERENCES AND LOKKS AT THEM BEFORE
HANDING THEM TO THE MEN
1ST Man:These look very good , excellent even.
2ND Man:But we cann't have any passengers here.So can you work on
the
checkout for a half hour so we can see just how good you
really
are
Bernadette:I don't know if I should be back at Blairs
BERNADETTE IS VERY NERVOUS , TWO OF THE PANEL IS
SYMPATHETIC
THE 2ND MAN IS NOT . HE IS NASTY IN FACT
Woman:Your boss said it was ok.
Bernadette:If Tony said that then its ok by me.
2ND Man:It's MR here you know , If you are good enough.
Bernadette:Yes Sir.
THE WOMAN SMILES FAINTLY AS ENCOURAGEMENT.SO THE FOUR GO
DOWN
TO THE SHOP FLOOR AND PUT BERNADETTE AT THE TILL.AFTER
FIRST
JAMMING THE TILL AND LOOKING NERVOUSLY AROUND HER
BERNADETETE
SOON GETS INTO THJE SWING OF THINGS A REAL "BORN AGAIN"
SHOP
WORKER. UNTIL A MAN OF FOURTY IN THICK GLASSES APROACHES ,
HE
FALLS AND HAS A FIT. BERNADETTE CLOSES HER EYES IN HORROR
FADEOUT
BERNADETTE RETURNS TO BLAIRS LOOKING SAD.THE GIRLS GATHER
AROUND
Gertie:Well did you get it.
BERNADETTE LOOKS SAD AND DOWNCAST
Gertie:Well?
Tony:Go on tell us the worse of it.
Susan:A trouble shared is a troubled halved.
Bernadette:Well there were two men and a woman interviewing me.One
man was
really nasty.After a talk.They liked the references
,Tony.Well
the nasty one said he wanted to see me in action , so they
made
me work on the shop floor.
Gertie:I've never heard of that before.
A CHORUS OF "ME NEITHER " AND "FANCY THAT"
Bernadette:I was nervous at first.
Tony:Well you would be/
Bernadette:But I soon got in the swing of things.
Gertie:Your a pro you are, it shows in your fingertips.
LAUGHS FROM THE GIRLS
Gertie:Not that kind , you lot have filthy minds.
Bernadette:I was quite enjoying it in fact.Until.
EVERYBODY LOOKS AROUND NERVOUSLY WAITING FOR THE BOMBSHELL
Bernadett:A customer had a fit.
Susan:That's terrible , what rotten luck.
Gertie:God is cruel sometimes I think.
Tony:So it ruineds it for you.
A CHORUS OF "AH NO , WHAT A SHAME"
Bernadette:I shut my eyes , it was a shock.
Gertie:So what happened , was the man alright.
Bernadette:After a second ,I just got out from behind the till and
sorted him out.I've done it with my son my see.It was just
that
it kind of surprized me there in the store.
Gertie:Good for you Bernadette.
Bernadette:After I sorted the man out , I calmed the man's wife then
I did
a silly thing , I shouted at one of the interviewing
team , I
told him to get an ambulance as the man had cut his arm
during
the fit.While the ambulance was coming I bandaged the arm.
A STUNNED AND RESPECTFUL SILENCE
Tony:Go on.
Bernadette:Well the ambulance men said he looked ok , I had done a
good
job , but to be on the safe side they would take him
away.His
wife was everso greatful she said the shop should be proud
of
staff like me.I remembered then I had shouted at the
boss.I
started to walk away.But the nasty one grabbed me by the
arm
and kept on shaking it.He called me "My Dear Bernadette"
he
told me to call him Malcome.Before he had stressed he was
"Mr".
Tony:So you got the job.
Bernadette:Yes I got the job.
A CHEER GOES UP
Bernadette:As I was leaving I told the woman that my son had fits and
that
was how I knew what to do.She just said that I showed
great
professionalism under stress and that was the kind of
people
they want.If anybody else wants a job just give them a
ring to
fix up a time for interview.
Gertie:I'm really happy.
Tony:Let's celebrate.
TONY WALKS TO THE BOOZE SECTION AND TAKES A BOTTLE , HE
LOOKS
AT GERTIE AND SAYS
Tony:It's ok , I'm not a shoplifter
THEY ALL BURST OUT LAUFHING , THEY RAID THE BOOZE SECTION
AND
HAVE AN IMPROMPTU PARTY , LORRAINE BRINGS THE BEST OF THE
CHEESE OUT AS WELL...
FADE OUT
FADE IN...THE DEBRIS IS BEING CLEARED AWAY AS JANE THE
CLEANER
COMES IN.JANE HELPS OUT AS NEEDED SHE IS NOT JUST A
CLEANER.
Jane:What's all this then? Looks like a party , why wasn't I
invited.
Tony:Bernadette got another job.
Gertie:On the spot at the hypermarket , so we just had to celebrate.
Jane:That's really good , but look at the mess.
JANE LOOKS ALL AROUND HER ,WRAPPERS EVERYWHERE AND
BOTTLES
ROLLING IN THE ISLES
Tony:It's all my fault , but we got carried away as we'll soon be
going
our seperate ways and.
Jane:That's ok it was a shock that's all , besides in a way its
good.
TONY AND GERTIE LOOK PUZZLED
Jane:Well I was reading how the Romans used to live it up with
parties
going on for days with orgies and the like , I couldn't really
see
it in my mind .Until I came in here , this gives me an inkling
.
Gertie:It was no orgy!
Lorraine:What's an orgy?
Tony:You're to young to know that.
Jane:I only meant it had some similarities that's all , its all in
this
book I've been reading.
SHE TAKES OFF HER COAT ,IN ONE POCKET OF HER OVERALL IS A
LARGE
HISTORY BOOK , IN THE OTHER POCKET A CAN OF "MR SHEEN" . SHE
TAKES
THE BOOK OUT FOR THEM TO SEE
Tony:The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire
Jane:It's really good this one.One of the students I clean for
leant it
to me.There are drawings too.
SHE OPENS THE BOOK AND TURNS TO A DRAWIG OF AN ORGY , FOR
THEM TO
SEE
Lorraine:So that's what an orgy is ,I've heard the modern word for
it, its
gang
GERTIE INTERRUPTS HURRIEDLY
Gertie:That's enough of that young lady ,I'm sure you can find
soemthing
to do at the cheese counter.
GERTIE PULLS HERSELF TO HER FULL HEIGHT AND POINTS LORRANIE
GOES
AWAY RELUCTANTLY . JANE IS STILL fLICKING THROUGH THE BOOK
Jane:The best thing ever to happen to me was cleaning for
students ,
I've learnt eversuch a lot , you'd be amazed.
Gertie:I can imagine
THEY GERTIE STARTS TO LAUGH , JUST LIKE A DONKEY
Tony:I think she meant from books
Gertie:Oh.
Jane:I'll hang up my coat then , before I start on this
SHE GESTURES TO THE MESS ALL AROUND , WE FOLLOW JANE AS SHE
GOES
TO THE BACK OF THE SHOP AT THE CHEESE COUNTER SHE HANDS HER
COAT
TO LORRAINE.
Jane:Can you put my coat in the staff room , I'm dying for a
fag.
Lorraine:Ok.
LORRAINE GOES THROUGH THE STOREROOM DOOR WHICH LEADS TO THE
STAFF
ROOM AS WELL CARRYING JANE'S COAT , WHILE JANE LIGHTS UP
Jane:I dying for a fag , they must be adictive to me , mind you
in
olden days it was opium.
LORRAINE LOOKS DUMB.
Jane:Drugs.
Lorraine:Oh.
Jane:Men used to go to opium dens and smoke drugs till they were
silly
Lorraine:Nowdays they go to football matches instead, it has the same
results.
Jane:That was clever that , mind you in the Roaman days when they
were
n't at orgies.
LORRAINE'S EYES LIGHT UP , SHE IS INTERESTED
Jane:They went to the circus.
Lorraine:Billy Smarts or Chipperfields.
JANE ROLLS HER EYES IN DISGUST
Jane:It was a bit different.The circus did have animals, lions
and
tigers but they did not do tricks.
Lorraine:It cann't have been very good then.
Jane:Oh but it was , the animals ate the Christians.
Lorraine:Never.
Jane:Yes , it's true , its all in this book.The christians were
the
troublemakers in them days so they were fed to the
lions.People
came to watch , and place bets.
Lorraine:They should bring it back for soccar holigans , they smashed
my
nan's front window the other year , I mean she's really
old ,68,
and how can she afford a new one.
Jane:There were fights to the death as well , with Gladiators ,
if the
fight was a good one , the loser could be saved if the crowd
gave
a thumbs up.
Lorraine:I've seen one of those.
JANE LOOKS SURPRIZED
Lorraine:Outside a nightclub at closing time, the only differnce was
that
nobody placed bets or put their thumbs up.
Jane:Where's my ashtray.
JANE LOOKS AROUND , LORRAINE GOES TO THE OTHER END OF THE
COUNTER
AND BRINGS BACK A CHARITY BOX WHICH HAS "CANCER RELIEF " ON
THE
SIDE.
Jane:This is really handy.
JANE DROPS HER ASH DOWN THE SLOT AND RESUMES HER TALKING ,
AS
A FEW PUFFS OF SMOKE RISE FROM THE BOX.
Jane:Did I tell you about Marco Polo , I was reading about him
the
other week.
Lorraine:You were reading about polos?
Jane:No Marco Polo , a man who sailed the seven seas in search of
silk
and spices.People thought he'd fall of the end of the world.
Lorraine:That's silly .He could have looked in an atlas , he'd have
got
one in W H Smith's or whatever they had in them days.
Jane:They didn't have atlases then nor W H Smith's of any kind .
Lorraine:Really , so how did he know wheree he was going?
Jane:He had a rough map but it stopped near India , so he just
had to
carry on and hope he didn't fall off the end of the world.He
made
maps as he went along.
Lorraine:He must have been very brave.
Jane:He was , just like an Astronaut really if you want to
compare it
to things we do today.
Lorraine:Fancy.But what about those orgies.
LORRAINE IS A LITTLE COY ABOUT IT
Jane:I can lend you this book , if you like.
SHE TAKES THE THICK VOLUME FROM HER POCKET AND HANDS IT TO
LORRAINE
Jane:It's really well written it makes things come to life ,its
light
reading really.
LORRAINE FEELS THE WEIGHT AND LOOKS AT THE SIZE OF THE BOOK
THEN
HANDS IT BACK.TRYING NOT TO LOOK FOOLISH SHE SAYS
Lorraine:I thinking hearing it you is so much better ,you bring it to
life
when YOU tell it.
JANE LOOKS PROUD
Jane:Do you really think so?
Lorraine:You're ever such a good talker.Besides I've a Jackie Collins
to
finish.It's thicker than that.
JANE ALLOWS HERSELF A SMALL SMILE.
Jane:As you like , but if ever you change your mind let me know.I
did
not know what I was missing till one of my students lent me
a
History book a few years ago.History is such fun , its
murder and
pillage and plotting , double dealing , lies and lust and so
much
more.
Lorraine:Sounds a bit like The News of The World.
Jane:Yes dear.
WITH A SIGH JANE PUTS THE LAST OF HER ASH INTO THE CHARITY
BOX
A CUSBENER ARRIVES SO JANE FLICKS THE DUSTER CASUALLY AS
LORRAINE
SERVES.
Customer:8 ounzes of best ham.
LORRAINE CUTS THE HAM , JANE IS STILL FLICKING HER DUSTER ,
AND
READING AT THE SAME TIME
Lorraine:That's oe1.42 .
Customer:Here a tenner.
LORRAINE LOOKS IN THE TILL ,THERE IS NO CHANGE , SO SHE
GRABS
THE STILL SMOKING CHARITY BOX AND SHAKES A FEW PENNIES AND
ASH
FROM IT.LORRAINE MAKES UP THE MONEY FOR THE CUSBENER AND IS
ABOUT
TO GIVE IT TO THE CUSBENER WHEN SHE REALISES THERE IS ASH SO
SHE
BLOWS THE HANDFUL OF MONEY , THE ASH FALLS ALL OVER THE
CHEESE
THE CUSBENER TAKES THE CHANGE AND GOES AWAY DISGUSTED
Jane:You shouldn't have done that.
Lorraine:It's ok , I'll stick some silver in instead.
SO LORRAINE TAKES SOME SILVER FROM THE TILL AND PUTS IT IN
THE
CHARITY BOX. AT THAT MOMENT A WOMAN WEARING A BLUE TOP
AND
MATCHING SKIRT APPEARS
Woman:That's what I like to see.
Lorraine:What can I do for you?
Woman:I've come for the charity box ,now that the store's closing
I'll
have to find it another home.
SHE TAKES OUT SOME ID FROM HER MATCHING BLUE HANDBAG , THE
ID
SAYS "Charity Coordinator for Cancer Research".
THE WOMAN IS A BIT TOFFY NOSED
Lorraine:Here you are then.
LORRAINE PASSES THE BOX.
Woman:I'll open it now , you can have the change for your till ,
then
you can give me some notes.I know how you shop people always
need
change.
THE CHARITY WOMAN OPENS THE BOX , ASH COVERS HER "BLUE"
OUTFIT
SHE IS ANGRY BUT VERY MYSTIFIED.JANE ACTS QUICKLY.
Jane:It's all that radioactivity you know , from that Russian
place
Lorraine:Yes it must be that.Jane's read about it in a book.
JANE TAPS THE BOOK IN HER POCKET , THE TITLE IS UNSEEN
Jane:I causes cancer , so I've heard.
THE CHARITY WOMAN HURRIEDLY WIPES THE ASH OFF HERSELF.THEN
QUICKLY COUNTS THE MONEY AND SWOPS IT FOR NOTES FROM
LORRAINE.
THEN WITH A CURT "Thankyou " SHE LEAVES STILL WIPING THE
ASH
LAIDEN CANCER FROM HER SKIRT.
LORRAINE AND JANE BURST OUT LAUGHING
Lorraine:We were wicked weren't we , I'll have to tell the priest in
confession
Jane:She was a stuck up bitch ,"That's what I like to hear" .
Lorraine:We shouldn't have done it.
Jane:Just because we work in shops people think we are thick and
can
look down on us.Well I'm not thick , I'm half way through my
Open University course in History.
Lorraine:Never! You didn't tell any of us.
Jane:You'd all laugh , a cleaner taking a degree.Besides I had
hope to
come in with my gown on when I passed , but that will never
happen
now.
Lorraine:I always said you were clever.
Jane:Well don't tell anybody!
Lorraine:I won't , I admire you , all I ever got was 3 CSEs.
Jane:And if you do tell anybody I'll put some fish fingers down
your
knickers.
Lorraine:You wouldn't.
Jane:I would.Besides it'll give you an idea what an eskimo
boyfriend
would be like.
THEY BOTH LAUGH AGAIN
THE NEXT DAY ..GERTIE IS ON THE TILL SHE IS IN A RIGHT MOOD
SHE HELPS HERSELF TO THE CHOCOLATES BY THE TILL TO CONSOLE
HERSELF.AS A CUSTOMER IS LEAVING , FEELING VERY
UNCOMFORTABLE
BY GERTIE'S MANNER .LORRAINE , JENNY AND SUSAN GATHER TO
OFFER SYMPATHY..
Lorraine:What's the matter Gertie?
Jenny:Do tell , you're only upsetting yourself by keeping it
bottled up
Susan:I bet its got something to do with Keith.
GERTIE GLARES AND REACHES FOR ANOTHER 1LB BAR OF CHOCOLATE ,
SHE
SNAPS IT IN TWO WITH TWO FINGERS OF ONE HAND.BEFORE SHE
PUSHES
IT INTO HER MOUTH.SHE IS NOW SWEARED IN CHOCOLATE LIKE A KID
Lorraine:You're only upsetting yourself.Do tell us more .
Sharom:We want to help you.
Susan:A trouble shared is a troubled halved.
GERTIE SUDDENLY LUNGES FOR THEM , OR SO THEY THINK , IN FACT
ITS THE ECONOMY SIZE SMARTIES THAT SHE'S AFTER.SHE TEARS THE
PACK OPEN THEN POURS THEM DOWN HER THROAT. THE GIRLS LOOK
RELEIVED AND MOVE CLOSER AGAIN.
Gertie:Well you were right , its because of HIM.
KNOWING LOOKS ARE EXCHANGED , THEY HUDDLE TOGETHER LIKE
CONSPIRATORS.AT THAT MOMENT TONY HAPPENS BY.
Tony:Come on girls I know we are closing but lets not give up the
Ghost
entirely
THEY TURN AROUND AS ONE AND GLARE , LIKE A MEDUSA'S HEAD AT
HIM
Tony:I think I'll go and have a tea with Ben , see what my stars
say.
THE FOURSOME STILL GLARE , SO HE EDGES AWAY THEN HURRIES
AWAY
Tony:Ben , oh Ben is the kettle on.
HE HAS HIS HAND RAISED AS IF TO CATCH A TAXI.THE FOURSOME
RESUME
THEIR SCRUMMAGE.
Gertie:Well he said he wanted to make me an offer last night.
Lorraine:What was it?
Gertie:He said he wanted me to think about it and not to rush into
it.
Jenny:So what was it?
Gertie:Well he said it was what every man always wanted.
Susan:Marriage to a good woman!
THREE OF THEM SIGH , GERTIE DOES NOT
Gertie:I thought it was that too.
Susan:What was it then?
Gertie:He wanted to borrow the redundancy money I'd get from here.
Lorraine:The cheeky bugger.
Jenny:So that's what he was after all along.
Susan:Men are all the same if it's not one thing then it's your
money
they are after.
GERTIE STARTS TO SOB , IT SPOILS HER MASCARA , SHE CRUNCHES
MORE
SMARTIES FOR COMFORT'S SAKE.
Lorraine:So what did you do?
Gertie:I was shocked.
Jenny:Well you would be.
Gertie:I'd given him one thing.
Lorraine:Now he wanted the other.
Jenny:Or vice versa.
Lorraine:What does vice versa mean?
Susan:He'd had his wicked way now he wanted her money as well.
Gertie:I mean I had saved myself till I fell under his wicked spell
and
there in the restaurant he had revealed himself.
Lorraine:You mean he was a flasher too!
Gertie:No , I mean he was a con man , a charmer.
Lorraine:I saw it on the telly , I think Nigel Havers is dead
gorgeous.
Gertie:That's exactly how he was a charmer just like the telly
series.
Jenny:So what did you do?
Gertie:I forced myself to smile and pretended everything was ok.
Lorraine:You were very brave.
Susan:But didn't you say anything about his proposition.
Gertie:No.I had revenge instead.
Jenny:Oh , you didn't let his car tyres down did you.
Gertie:That would have been silly how would I have got home.
Lorraine:So what happened then?
Gertie:If you shut up I'll tell you.Pass my some toffees.
LORRAINE REACHES FOR SOME TOFFEES , GERTIE STARTS ON THESE.
A LONE CUSTOMER COMES IN.SO LORRAINE SHOUTS.
Lorraine:We are having a staff meeting come back in half an hour .
THE CONFUSED MAN IN A LONG MAC LEAVES , CASTING A BACKWARDS
GLANCE AS HE GOES.
Gertie:So I stayed cool as he rabbited on about always wanting to
have
a business of his own.How he just needed an extra bit of
capital.
He said something about being partners but I wasn't
listening.
Lorraine:He's a pig.
Jenny:Yes a pig.
Gertie:At the end of the meal he asked had I made up my mind.
Lorraine:So you slapped his face.
Gertie:No I just smiled, then we left.We were at the Steakhouse
place,it
does lovly 12 ounzes steakes and gateau for afters.
Susan:I've been there once with my dad for my eigteenth birthday.
Gertie:So we left and I was all smiles.As we walked down the road
we saw
this new Chinese place.So I pretended we should go in there
to
celebrate my decision.Just a little meal like.Well he was
over
the moon so he ordered a ten course meal.
Lorraine:That taught him.
Gertie:We did not finish it till 11.30 , then he ordered champagne.
Jenny:Oh you were really wicked.
Gertie:It was the only way.So when we finished he asked for my
decision.
Pass me some more toffees Lorraine.
LORRAINE PASSES THE TOFFEES.
Gertie:Well I said I'd let him know when he drove me home.He was
excited
by now.Then on my doorstep I teased him.
GERTIE GIVES HER BEST "COME ON" LOOK
Gertie:He got very excited.
Lorraine:The beast.
Gertie:Then I told him to close his eyes.When he did I smacked him
one
in the face and slammed the door on him.
Jenny:Good for you.
Susan:It's all for the best , men can be so.
SHE STRUGGLES TO FIND A SUITABLE WORD
Jenny:Men are just men!
Susan:Exactly ,they can be so demanding and then caste you
aside
without a thought.
IN THE BACKGROUND TONY IS MAKING A SHOW OF LOOKING AT HIS
WATCH
THE GIRLS SEE HIM .
Susan:I better go then before he gets angry.
SUSAN GOES TO THE BACK OF THE SHOP AND SMILES AT TONY ,AS
THE
TWO DISAPPEAR FROM VIEW THE GIRLS TALK ABOUT HER.
Jenny:She can talk , "Men can be so demanding" .Her knickers go up
and
down as often as the tide changes.
Lorraine:Isn't that twice a day. ( SHE IS NAIVE NOT BITCHY)
THE GIRLS LAUGH AT THIS
Jenny:I better go back to my buns I suppose.
Gertie:Thanks for your shoulder to cry on.
Jenny:That's what friends are for.
JENNY WALKS OFF , GERTIE TURNS TO SUSAN
Gertie:Jenny's no better than Susan.Her "helping" the lorry driver
unload
Lorraine:How do you mean. (STILL VERY NAIVE)
Gertie:It wasn't the lorry she was "unloading".
Lorraine:I still don't understand.
Gertie:You're young and pretty , so take my advice , stay as you
are
till you have a ring on your finger and a deposite on a
house.
Lorraine:Er yes.
Gertie:I mean you don't want to end up like me , taken advantage of
,and
why? So he could get his hands on my redundancy.And I
thought it
was me he was after.
GERTIE PUSHES HALF A BAR OF CHOCOLATE INTO HER MOUTH
Lorraine:Cheer up Gertie , there's "as good a fish in the sea that
ever
came out of it".
GERTIE LOOKS AT LORRAINE , A PUZZLED LOOK ON HER FACE
Lorraine:It was our old school motto , if I remember right the
headmaster
said it meant that good things can happen again .
Gertie:I don't know , I think I'll give men up for life.
SHE LOOKS VERY SAD , PATHETIC , MAKEUP SMUDGED AND
CHOCOLATE
ON HER FACE
Gertie:Besides look at me , I'm 39 and I'll never be thin again.
SILENT TEARS START TO FALL , LORRAINE PUTS HER ARM AROUND
HER
TO COMFORT HER.
Lorraine:He's a beast that Keith.
AT THAT MOMENT THE LARGE SHADOW FALLS OVER THEM THEY DON'T
LOOK UP.
Lorraine:Cann't you leave her alone Tony , she's broken hearted.
Gertie:I'm sorry Tony its just that I had such hopes.
A BIG SNIFFLE FROM GERTIE , LORRAINE "THERE THERES " HER
THE SHADOW SPEAKS.
Keith:It's all my fault , I want to say sorry.
THE TWO LOOK UP , KEITH IS WEARING SUNGLASSES HE HAS AN
ENORMOUS
BUNCH OF FLOWERS READY FOR GERTIE.
Keith:I realised when I got home how it must have sounded.
Lorraine:You beast get lost , you seduced her , then you wanted her
money.
That's all you wanted.
ANOTHER SNIFFLE FROM GERTIE.
Keith:It's all my fault , I want to say sorry.
HE OFFERS THE FLOWERS TO GERTIE , GERTIE FOLDS HER ARMS ,
LORRAINE
SNATCHES THEM AND THROWS THEM IN THE AIR.THEY LAND ON THE
THREE OF
THEM AND THE TILL AND FLOOR.
Lorraine:You've used her , you've taken advantage of her now you come
back
to torment her.
Keith:It's not like that.
Lorraine:You're a theif , you only got half the treasure.
KEITH PUTS HIS HAND ON LORRAINE MOUTH , AND LIFTS GERTIE'S
CHIN
WITH HIS OTHER HAND.LORRAINE STRUGGLES
Keith:Gertie I love you , I was so excited with my plans last
night
that I didn't get round to the most important bit.
GERTIE WIPES THE TEARS AWAY FROM HER EYE.LORRAINE REACHES
FOR
SOME OF THE SCATTERED ROSES AND STARTS TO HIT KEITH.
Keith:Yes I do want your redundancy money .
LORRAINE BEATS HIM WITH A ROSE.
Keith:Yes I want you as business partner.
LORRAINE BELTS HIM WITH THE ROSES , KEITH LETS THEM BOTH GO
HE KNEELS DOWN UNDER LORRAINE'S BELTING , HE REACHES INTO
HIS
POCKET , LORRAINE BELTS HIM EVEN MORE.GERTIE WONDERS WHAT
HE
NOW HAS IN HIS HAND
Keith:But most of all I want you as a wife.
LORRAINE STOPS THE "WAR OF THE ROSES"
Gertie:What?
Keith:I want you to marry me.
Lorraine:Marry her?
Keith:I want you for a wife , to be my business partner and if you
don't think we're too old I want children , lots of
children.
GERTIE IS STUNNED , KEITH GETS TO HIS FEET ,HE PLACES THE
RING
ON HER FINGER.LORRAINE MOVES BEWTEEN THEM TO LOOK AT THE
RING.
Gertie:Marry me?
Keith:Yes I want you as my wife , if you can forgive me for not
explaining things yesterday.That's if there's nobody else.
THE PENNY DROPS , GERTIE JUMPS UP AND EMBRACES KEITH ,
LORRAINE
IS SQUASHED INBETWEEN. GERTIE GRAPS LORRAINE AND THROWS
HER
TO ONE SIDE.LORRAINE HURTLES INTO A TOWER OF TOILET ROLLS,
AS
GERTIE AND KEITH EMBRACE LIKE SUMO WRESTLERS , THEN KISS.
WHEN THEY BREAK BOTH ARE COVERED IN CHOCOLATE , ROSE BUDS
IN
THEIR HAIR.LORRAINE GETS UP AND STACKS THE TOILET ROLLS ,
AT
LAST GERTIE AND KEITH BREAK FOR AIR.
Keith:Do you forgive me.
Gertie:YES , YES.
Keith:We'll talk things over tonight.
Gertie:Does your eye hurt ?
Keith:It's nothing.
Gertie:Show me .
KEITH REMOVES THE SUNGLASSES TO REVEAL A REAL BAD BLACK
EYE
GERTIE IS SHOCKED.
Gertie:Did it hurt?
Keith:It still does.
Gertie:I'm sorry.
Keith:It would have hurt more if I'd lost you.
LORRAINE HAS RECOVERED FROM BEING "TOILET ROLLED" SO SHE
COMES
OVER TO EXAMINE THE RING.JUST AS GERTIE AND KEITH
"GRABBLE"
AGAIN , SHE IS CAUGHT IN THE MIDDLE AGAIN , THIS TIME
KEITH
FLINGS HER TO ONE SIDE , SHE COLLIDES WITH TINS OF
BISCUITS
GERTIE AND KEITH EMBRACE AGAIN.IN THE BACKGROUND THE
DRUNK
GERTIE FELLED PREVIOUSLY IS SEEN SNEAKING OUT WITH A FEW
BOTTLES.GERTIE BREAKS FROM KEITH TO SHOUT.
Gertie:What do you think you are doing you horrible man , drop
em!
A SHOCKED DRUNK DROPS THE BOTTLES AND SCAMPERS OUT OF THE
STORE TO BUMP INTO A PASSERBY.LORRAINE GETS UP AGAIN AND
SHOUTS
Lorraine:Quick everybody , Gertie's getting married.
WE SEE THE GIRLS ALL MUSTER.EXCEPT SUSAN WHO IS UP A
LADDER
AT THE BACK OF THE SHOP.....
SHE IS TAKING DOWN POSTERS OF FARM PRODUCE
Susan:Why didn't you do up this ladder ,Tony?
Tony:I get vertigo that's why.
SUSAN IS VERY HIGH UP REACHING FOR THE POSTERS.
Tony:Don't over stretch , or your'll fall down.
TONY LOOKS UP AT SUSAN , BEING HUMAN HIS EYES FOLLOW
HER
LEGS UPWARDS . HE IS THUNDERSTRUCK BY THE TIME HE SEES
HER
RED UNDIES.
Susan:Its hot up here , hang on a sec while I loosen my overall.
AS SHE UNDOES SOME BUTTONS , TONY IS STILL LOOKING UP
HER
DRESS.SUSAN THEN REACHES FOR THE LAST POSTER.
Susan:I'll just reach a bit more then I'll get the last one
NO REPLY FROM TONY , BUT THE LADDER BEGINS TO RATTLE A
BIT
TONY SEES SUSAN'S CHEST AS SHE REACHES FOR THE LAST
POSTER
Susan:Got it , hold the ladder steady while I come down.
NO REPLY FROM TONY , SUSAN LOOKS DOWN , SHE SEES HIM
STARING AT HER LEGS AND THE REST.SO SHE WIGGLES A BIT
MORE
AS SHE COMES DOWN , THEN AT THE LAST WRUNG SHE SLIPS
ON
PURPOSE.TONY MAKES A GRAB FOR HER BUT TOUCHES HER
CHEST
AS HE GRABS HER ARM.SO SUSAN SMILES.
Susan:Cheeky , I know why you sent me up that ladder.
TONY BLUSHES , AND SMILES LIKE FRANK SPENCER USED TO
DO.
Tony:Susan , will you?
HE STOPS IN A SEA OF BLUSHES
Susan:Yes I will , cheeky.
SUSAN TAKES TONY BY THE ARM AND LEADS HIM TO THE DEEP
FREEZE , THEN CLOSING THE DOOR SHE SPEAKS.
Susan:I like you and I think that you like me.We may never meet again
when
the store closes.So.
SHE WALKS TO THE FAR END OF THE FREEZER AND TAPS THE
THERMOSTAT.IT SHOWS 50o , WARM FOR A FREEZER
SHE THEN STARTS TO UNDRESS , HANGING HER CLOTHES ON
THE
MEAT HOOKS AS SHE DOES SO.TONY IS SPEECHLESS , THEN
SHE
MOVES TOWARDS HIM AND STARTS TO UNDRESS HIM.
FADEOUT
WE NEXT SEE LORRAINE , AT THE BACK OF THE SHOP LOOKING
FOR
TONY AND SUSAN TO TELL THEM THE GOOD NEWS ABOUT GERTIE.
Lorraine:Where have they got too , they'll miss all the fun.
WE SEE LORRAINE WALK PAST THE ABANDONED STEPS , WITH
"MILK
IS GOOD FOR CHILDREN AND MUMS TO BE" POSTERS ON THE
FLOOR
Lorraine:Susan ,Tony? Where are you ,Gertie and Keith are getting
married
SHE REPEATS HER MESSAGE AS SHE GOES PAST THE FREEZER
SCENE SWITCH ...TO INSIDE THE FREEZER , TONY AND SUSAN
ARE NAKED , THEIR PASSION SPENT , TONY IS RESTING HIS
HEAD ON HER AMPLE CHEST.TONY IS STILL WEARING A TIE.
Susan:I hope you don't think I do this all the time.I'm not like
that,I am
a nice girl I am.I know the others call me a slag behind my
back
just because I like a good time.
NO REPLY FROM TONY , HE IS TOO HAPPY , JUST A HUGH SMIRK
Susan:It's just that when I saw you looking at me I just knew I had
to do
something.It was now or never.I know you won't belive this but
this
was - well you know, it was -SPECIAL.
Tony:I love you.
Susan:You're not just saying that?
Tony:I've liked you , for such a long time ,its just that you seem
to be
so happy with all your boyfriends and the like.
Susan:None were ever special, I mean of course I've kissed and the
like
but well you know.I've kept my pride if you know what I mean.
Tony:Does that mean?
BEFORE SUSAN CAN REPLY FROM OUTSIDE THEY HEAR LORRAINE'S
CRY
OF" GERTIE'S GETTING MARRIED , GERTIE'S GETTING MARRIED"
SO SUSAN SITS UP SUDDENLY , TONY BANGS HIS HEAD ON THE
FLOOR.
Susan:Gertie's getting married! I wish I was.
THEN SHE NOTICES TONY RUBBING HIS HEAD
Susan:Did I do that?
Tony:It's nothing.
Susan:Sorry its just the news , didn't you hear Gertie's getting
married!
Tony:Would you marry me?
Susan:Are you asking?
Tony:Yes.
Susan:It's not because of this , I'm not on the pill you know.
TONY GULPS
Tony:No , its just that I know you're the one for me.
Susan:Alright then .But I think we should see if we are suited
first,you
know live together first.I mean marriage is a big thing and
besides
we are both out of a job soon.
Tony:Actually I've got one lined up at the Hypermarket.It's the
exams I
took at night school that swung it.
Susan:You are clever , I always knew you had brains , and a nice bum.
SHE GIGGLES THEN THEY EMBRACE , TONY MOANS , HIS HEAD
HURTS
Susan:You should put something on that , something cold.
Tony:Alright then.
TONY REACHES OUT AND GRABS A PIECE OF MEAT FROM A HOOK
AND
PUTS IT ON HIS HEAD
A MOMENT LATER BEN THE CHINESE STOREMAN OPENS THE FREEZER
DOOR
HE SEES A LINE OF WOMENS CLOTHES HANGING ON HOOKS , ON
ONE
HOOK A PILE OF MENS CLOTHES , A SMALL HOLE IN THE BACK OF
THE
Y FRONTS.THEN BEN SEE THE COUPLE KISSING , BEN GRABS A
LARGE
BLACK PUDDING AND RUSHES OUT EMBARASSED.
TONY AND SUSAN LAUGH , HEADS HELD BACK , THE MEAT FROM
TONY'S
HEAD FALLS ON SUSAN'S CHEST.SHE SCREAMS BECAUSE OF THE
COLD
THEN LAUGHS.IN THE BACKGROUND WE CAN HEAR LORRAINE'S
CHANT
OF "GERTIE'S GETTING MARRIED"
FADEOUT
A FEW DAYS LATER
GERTIE IS FLASHING HER RING FROM HER POST AT THE CHECKOUT
,
SUSAN APPROACHES.
Gertie:Where were you and Tony the other day ,we couldn't find you
anywhere.
Susan:Oh we were about.Show us your ring.
Gertie:See how big it is.
GERTIE THRUSTS THE RING UNDER SUSAN'S NOSE
Susan:Very nice I'm sure.When I get married though I'll only have a
small
one.Its only a symbol after all.I'd live with my boyfriend
first as
well.
Gertie:Well WE will be married as soon as possible.You didn't hear
the
full story.
Susan:No.
Gertie:Well you know he wanted my redundancy , well he forgot to add
he
wanted to marry me as well, as he was so wrapped up in his
plans.
Susan:So everything worked out fine.
Gertie:Yes.
GERTIE THEN LOOKS AROUND CONSPIRATORILY , BEFORE ADDING
Gertie:Don't say anything to anybody but I have a feeling I could be
having a baby ,its too early to say yet but "A Woman Can Tell"
.
Susan:Do you want one?
Gertie:Of course , it could be twins too.There's a history of twins
in his
family.
Susan:Never.
Gertie:Yes , I think its great.So when we finally close here I'll
have a
full time job as a mother and partner in a health food shop.
GERTIE REACHES FOR A BAR OF CHOCOLATE THEN BREAKS IT WITH
TWO
FINGERS BEFORE STUFFING HALF A BAR IN HER MOUTH.
Gertie:Do you want some?
Susan:No , I better go and see what Tony wants me to do.
AS SUSAN WALKS AWAY A CUSTOMER IS SERVED , WE HEAR GERTIE
SAY
"CAN YOU KEEP A SECRET"....
SUSAN WALKS TO THE BACK OF THE SHOP TONY IS STANDING BY
THE
FREEZER.THEY BOTH GO INSIDE.THEN TONY'S ARM APPEARS AND
HE
HANGS A STRING OF SAUSAGES ON THE DOOR HANDLE.BEN APPEARS
AND IS ABOUT TO GO INSIDE WHEN HE SEES THE SAUSAGES , SO
HE
WALKS AWAY AGAIN.THEN THERE IS A SHOUT OF "HELP BEN".
BEN RUSHES TO SEE WHAT IS UP.WE SEE A LARGE RAT RUNNING
ALONG
THE ISLES.BEN CHASES THE RAT AND WITH A DIVE CATCHES IT
AND
PUTS IT IN HIS POCKET.A CHORUS OF "WELL DONE BEN" FROM
THE
GIRLS , THE RAT IS STILL MOVING INSIDE BEN'S POCKET.
WE FOLLOW BEN AS HE GOES TO THE BACK OF THE SHOP AND INTO
THE
STOREROOM/REST AREA.
Ben:My stars say I catch a prize and I have.This one very nice.
BEN WALKS TOWARDS THE COOKER WHERE A SAUCEPAN IS ON THE
BOIL
Ben:Mother will like my nice present for her.
FADEOUT ON BEN THEN BACK IN THE STORE
AN OLD WOMAN WITH TWO EMPTY SHOPPING BAGS COMES IN ,SHE
SMILES
SWEETLY AT GERTIE ,WE FOLLOW HER AROUND THE STORE AS SHE
FILLS
HER SHOPPING BAGS , THEN SHE COMES TOWARDS THE TILL WITH
ONE
BAR OF SOAP IN HER HAND.OTHER CUSTOMERS STARE IN
DISBELIEF.
Woman:Just the bar of soap.
Gertie:That'll be twenty pence please ,Florence.
Woman:There you are.
Gertie:You do know the store is closing.
Woman:I was told .
THE WOMAN PAUSES FOR A MOMENT.
Woman:I better have some chocolate then.
SHE EMPTIES THE RACK INTO HER BAG , THEN WITH A WAVE AND
A
SMILE SHE LEAVES.GERTIE WATCHES HER LEAVE , SHE SMILES.
Gertie:I hope she realises she'll have to pay when she goes to other
shops
A CUSTOMER COMES RUNNING UP , SHE POINTS AT FLORENCE
Woman:That lady there , going out just filled her bags up , she's a
shoplifter.
Gertie:That's no way to talk about a retired school teacher.She no
thief
either.
Woman:But I saw her .She just filled her bags.
Gertie;She taught Mr Blair .
Woman:But I saw her.
Gertie:So did I , every week for the past ten years.
Woman:Your an accomplice then.
Gertie:IF you let me finish , she's on such a bad pension that Mr
Blair
told her to shop here.If he gave her money the Social Security
would cut her money.
Woman:Oh.
Gertie:Do you want to pay for that then.
GERTIE POINTS TO THE PACKET OF NAPPIES THE WOMAN HAS IN HER
ARM.
Woman:Er yes.
THE WOMAN SEARCHES IN HER PURSE FOR FOR THE MONEY SHE IS 1p
SHORT
Woman:I'm afraid I'm 1p short , can you let me off?
Gertie:This is a shop not a charity.
Woman:I haven't got any more , I really need the nappies.
Gertie:Are you sure?
Woman:Search me.
THE WOMAN SLAPS HER HANDS AT HER SIDE , THEN SHE SUDDENLY
REALISES
THAT SHE DOES HAVE A PENNY AFTER ALL.SO LOOKING AROUND THE
WOMAN
HITCHES HER SKIRT TO REVEAL HER STOCKING TOP , SHE HAS A
PENNY
HOLDING UP THE STOCKING , IN PLACE OF A MISSING CATCH ON HER
CORSET.SHE HANDS THE PENNY TO A RATHER DISGUSTED GERTIE
THE WOMAN WALKS AWAY WITH THE NAPPIES UNDER HER ARM AND ONE
OF
HER STOCKINGS FALLING DOWN TO HER ANKLE.
ANOTHER CUMTOMER APPEARS , ITS MRS CLYDE , THE GOSSIP
Mrs Clyde:Hello , Gertie.
Gertie:We haven't seen you for a while?
Mrs Clyde:I've been sick.It was my legs , they have been playing me
up.I
got a twinge then another and another till for a finish I
could
not walk.
Gertie:Your veins?
Mrs Clyde:Yes my veins.I had an operation on them.Mr doctor , Dr
Tweed did
the arranging , a friend of his is a Mister at the hospital
,his
friend did them.He was such a nice man , his hands were so
soft,
I'm sure he must use hand cream or something.If I were
younger
I'd run away with him.The things these doctors do , my
husband
doesn't even do them! I'd slap his face if he did.Well I
was in
and out of hospital in four days , its like a conveyor belt
in
hospitals nowdays , in one day , under the knife the next
day ,
a day or two in bed then they kick you out.You make friends
and
hear all their news and just when its getting interesting
you
are kicked out , its most annoying.Then you have to make
your
recovery all alone at home , its not fair.
Gertie:It's the way of the world.Is it just the domestos ?
GERTIE POINTS TO THE DOMESTOS IN MRS CLYDE'S HAND ,WHO THEN
PAYS FOR THE DOMESTOS , STILL TALKING NON STOP
Mrs Clyde:Yes.It's the only thing that cleans my false teeth.Talking
of
teeth , there was one woman in to have her jaws wired
together
to help her loose weight.She looked a bit like you really
only
not as fat.
GERTIE PULLS A FACE ONLY MRS CLYDE DOES NOT NOTICE
Mrs Clyde:She was a nice person though , I'm sure you'd like her
anyway.
Did you hear that Old Mr Crowther is getting married
again ,at
his age , he must be 70 , that'll be his third wife.
Gertie:It would be worse if he marriesd the three all at once ,
like a
bigamist .
Mrs Clyde:I suppose you are right , but old men shouldn't marry when
their
poor old wives die , its not natural.Men only want a cook
and a
cleaner and cuddle , they are all the same.
ANOTHER CUSTOMER IS WAITING TO PAY BEHIND MRS CLYDE , SHE
COUGHS
TO GET NOTICED.MRS CLYDE LOOKS AT HER WATCH
Mrs Clyde:I better be going , I cann't stay here listening to you
rattle
on all day.Bye I'll see you again soon.
GERTIE LETS MRS CLYDE WALK A FEW PACES BEFORE SHOUTING
Gertie:You do know the shop is closing soon.
MRS CLYDE STOPS DEAD IN HER TRACKS , SHE HURRIES BACK TO
GERTIE
Mrs Clyde:You mean for refurbishment , it does need a lick of paint.
Gertie:No for good.
Mrs Clyde:Nobody told ME.
Gertie:Everybody knows now , except YOU it would seem.
MRS CLYDE IS SPEECHLESS AND LEAVES IN DISGUST , GERTIE
TURNS TO
THE CUSTOMER AND SAYS
Gertie:I'm almost glad the shops closing just to see the look on her
face
THE CUSTOMER JUST LOOKS MYSTIFIED , PAYS AND WALKS AWAY
GERTIE
SAYS TO HERSELF
Gertie:Poor old Mrs Clyde , fancy her not knowing .Normally she can
tell
you what you had for breakfast.
TONY WALKS UP AND STOPS NEXT TO GERTIE
Tony:What's that about Mrs Clyde ?
Gertie:She didn't know the shop was to close.
Tony:That's the first time ever we've got one over her.
Gertie:What do you want anyway?
Tony:How's trade?
Gertie:Almost non existant.
Tony:I've an idea , to boost it.I'll go and fetch Susan.
Gertie:You seem to have a thing for Susan lately.
Tony:What's Ben been saying?
Gertie:Nothing , but your face is worth a thousand words.
Tony:But , but , well ,I mean , just stay their and I'll fetch
Susan.
TONY WALKS TO THE BACK OF THE SHOP AND TAKES SUSAN BY THE ARM
Tony:Can you do me a favour?
Susan:All right then .
SHE HEADS BACK TO THE DEEP FREEZE , WE SEE BEN REACH FOR A
STRING
OF SAUSAGES AND HANG THEM ON THE FREEZER DOOR
Tomy:Not that.
Susan:Well what then?
SHE IS STANDING WITH HER HANDS ON HER HIPS , TONY LEADS HER
TO
THE FRONT OF THE SHOP , BEN TAKES THE SAUSAGES DOWN
Tony:Here , can you just sit by the door , facing the street .
Susan:Just sit here.
SUSAN POINTS WITH HER FINGER
Tony:That's right.We have to get the customers in , the more stuff
we can
sell the more redundancy we get.
Susan:But I don't understand.
Tony:If we sell more , then Paul can pay the bills and he'll add a
bit
extra to the redundancy money.
Susan:I understand that stupid.It's just how can My sitting in the
doorway
help?
Tony:Trust me.
Susan:Alright then.
SUSAN KISSES TONY , THEN GRABS A STOOL FROM BEHIND THE OTHER
CHECKOU AND SITS DOWM , CROSSINGS HER LEGS.
Gertie:So you two are sweet.I always said Susan was a nice girl.
Tony:We did want to keep it a secret.
Gertie:A secret in a shop , that's like having a Republican in The
Kremlin
WE THEN VIEW SUSAN FROM THE STREET , ALL SHE NEEDS IS A RED
LIGHT
THEN SHE WOULD LOOK LIKE AN AMSTERDAM MADAME.THE PLOY WORKS
FIRST
A TRICKLE THEN A TIDAL WAVE OF MEN COMING INTO THE SHOP.AT
FIRST
THEY BUY SMALL ITEMS , THEN LARGER ITEMS.TILL SHOP IS FULL
TO
OVERFLOWING , ALL LEERING AT SUSAN.
(NOTE**** I HAVEN'T LISTED THE DETAILS YOUR DIRECTOR CAN
HAVE
FUN DOING THAT ***)
BENNADETTE ARRIVES FOR THE AFTERNOON SHIFT , SHE HAS TO
FIGHT
HER WAY INTO THE STORE.SHE STOPS BY THE TILL TO ASK GERTIE
WHAT
IS GOING ON.
Bernadette:What's all this then? If we always were as crowded we
wouldn't
be closing down.
Gertie:Didn't you notice Susan?
BERNADETTE GOES ON TIP TOES TO SEE SUSAN ON A STOOL
AMONGST
THE MELE.
Bernadette:I didn't notice her when I came it what with all the
crowds.Why
is she just sitting there?
Gertie:It was Tony's idea , its to draw the crowds.It certainly
worked
Bernadette:I think its disgusting.
Gertie:There's more to tell as well , Susan and Tony have got a
thing
going.They kissed - right in front of me.
Bernadette:This place is worse than Soddem and Gormora.I'm going to
hang
up my coat ,then I'll give Tony a piece of my mind.
BERNADETTE GOES OFF IN A HUFF , LEAVING GERTIE TO SERVE
LORRY
DRIVERS CLUTCHING WOMEN'S HAIRSPRAY IN THEIR HANDS ,
ANYTHING
GRABBED OFF THE SHELVES , JUST SO THEY CAN COME IN AND
LEER AT
SUSAN.
WE FOLLOW BERNADETTE TO THE BACK OF THE SHOP , AN OASIS OF
CALM
BY THE CHEESE COUNTER.LORRAINE AND JANE ARE THERE.
Bernadette:I think its disgusting what Tony has made Susan do.
Jane:Well it does encourage trade.
Bernadette:But what sort of trade? This is a food shop not a
brothel ,Tony
has taken advantage of Susan , he's using her.
LORRAINE STARTS TO GIGGLE
Bernadette:I don't see what you're laughing at young Miss.
Lorraine:It's just that Tony and Susan are - well involved now.
Bernadette:Or so I heard.
Jane:So you heard about the deep freeze?
Bernadette:What are you on about?
BERNADETTE LOOKS PUZZLED AND UNCOMPREHENDING
Jane:Didn't you hear about Ben and what he saw?
Bernadette:I don't know what you are on about.All I do know is that
I'm
going to hang up my coat then I'll find Tony and give him
a
piece of my mind.
Jane:So you DON'T know about the deep freeze.
Bernadette:No.
JANE MOVES CLOSER TO BERNADETTE AND STARTS TO WHISPER IN
HER
EAR.BEFORE SHE DOES SO SHE SAYS TO LORRAINE.
Jane:You stay where you are , you're too young to hear this ,
its
not fit for an unmarried girl.
SHE WHISPERS IN BERNADETTE'S EAR , BERNADETTE IS SHOCKED
SHE
GIGGLES FOR A SECOND THEN IS SHOCKED AGAIN.
Bernadette:And in a deep freeze .
JANE NODS IN AFFIRMATION
Bernadette:It's disgusting.I mean the pair of them , Susan should
have
know better.I can understand Gertie and Keith , after all
it is
Gertie's last chance to get a man , besides they are going
to
get married.But as for Susan and Tony , Why she is no more
than
a scarlet woman.Oh , oh this is just terrible.
BERNADETTE GOES OFF IN DISGUST.LORRAINE MOVES CLOSER TO
JANE
Lorraine:Come on Jane tell me about the deep freeze.
Jane:You are too young.
Lorraine:Everybody treats me like a kid around here.
LORRAINE PULLS A FACE AND CROSSES HER ARMS , ALL FED UP.
Lorraine:You can at least tell what a scarlet woman is.
Jane:Now I can tell you about that.
LORRAINE LOOKS HOPEFUL AND INTERESTED
Jane:Now a scarlet woman is a friend of a married man , though
not his
wife.
Lorraine:You mean a prostitute.
Jane:Well , yes.But not quite that.I is a mistress if you like.I
was
reading a book the other day called "The Power Behind the
Throne"
it was an anthology concerning the influence of spouses in
history .
LORRAINE LOOKS BLANK
Lorraine:Er , what's an anthology .
JANE SIGHS IN DISGUST AT LORRAINE'S IGNORANCE
Jane:It's a book , it was about woman who influenced history by
their
power over men , kings and pioliticians.Like Nell Gwenn an
orange
seller who was also the mistress to Charles.Then there's
Anthony
and Clepatra in Egypt.
Lorraine:I've seen that film on the telly.
Jane:Then we had the Promufo affair.Where a government minister
had a
mistress who he shared with a Russian man
Lorraine:This is really interesting.
Jane:That's what I always say , History IS interesting.
Lorraine:I mean its just like the News of The World.
Jane:Yes - but better.Remember our King gave up the throne for
the
woman he loved.
Lorraine:I saw that on TV too.
Jane:I suppose history does make good TV.I just love it , the
best
thing that ever happened to me was cleaning for students ,
if it
wasn't for them I'd never have discovered "History
Books".It's
so fasinating.Do you know one king even thought he could
tell the
tide not to come in , he sat there in his chair and ordered
the
sea not to come in.King Canute was his name.
Lorraine:Pardon! (SHE IS REALLY SURPRIZED)
Jane:Canute I said.
Lorraine:Oh. (SHE GIGGLES NERVOUSLY)
Jane:He got his feet wet anyway , it made him realise he was not
omnipotent.
Lorraine:Yer what!
Jane:He couldn't have everything all his own way.
Lorraine:I bet that taught him a lesson , men are all the same they
just
want to have everthing their own way.
Jane:Yes that's true but women have had a big say in
History.Think of
Salome for example.She did a dance and as a reward the king
gave
her the head of John the Baptist.
Lorraine:Ugh , that's horrid , a human head for a dance.Yuk!
Jane:It was the "Dance of the Seven Veils" . As she danced she
removed
one veil after another till none were left.
Lorraine:Sounds like a strip tease to me.
Jane:I suppose it was , but just think because of that one dance
"History" was changed .John the Baptist , the cousin of
Jesus was
beheaded.
Lorraine:Doesn't anything nice happen in History.
Jane:Of course it does , its just that History is old news , very
old
news in fact.So its like a newspaper in a way.
Lorraine:All bad news , and full of chips the next week.
BERNADETTE RUSHES OUT PAST THEM AT THAT MOMENT AND WE FOLLOW
HER THROUGH THE LUSTING LORRY DRIVERS TO TONY WHO IS
THANKING
SUSAN
Tony:Thanks ,Susan . I didn't think it would work this well ,
its a
bit too good in fact.
Susan:I wouldn't fo this for anybody else.The rest of the girls
must
think I am right slag.
Tony:You can stop now then.
SUSAN GET OFF HER STOOL AND EMBRACES TONY , TO MUCH WOLF
WHISTLING
FROM THE LORRY DRIVERS AND THE ODD SHOUT OF "GIVE HER ONE" .
BERNADETTE COMES UP TO THEM AND PULLS THEM APART.
Bernadette:This is disgraceful , first you put her on display like so
much
meat.
Crowd:I wouldn't mind a few pounds of that.
LAUGHTER FROM THE CROWDS
Bernadette:Now you cavort in front of a crowd.I've never kissed my
husband
in public , never in my whole life.
Tony:But.
Bernadette:I don't want to hear any excuses.I'm glad this shop is
closing
before we sink ever deeper into a sea of filth.
SHE THEN GRABS SUSAN BY THE ARM AND STARTS TO WALK AWAY
Bernadette:You can come with me ,Madame.
Susan:We were stopping anyway.
Bernadette:It didn't look like that to me.And why was your tongue in
his
mouth?
AS SUSAN IS DRAGGED AWAY SHE BLOWS TONY A KISS , THE
CROWD
OF LORRY DRIVERS CHEER , TONY LIMPLY WAVES BACK.TONY THEN
TURNS TO THE DRIVERS
Tony:I'm afraid the show's over lads.
Driver:What about tomorrow?
Tomy:It was a once only , never to be repeated special offer.
THE DRIVERS LEAVE WITH COMMENTS LIKE "I WISH IT WAS LIKE
THIS
IN TESCOS" . AND VARIOUS BELLY LAUGHS.ONE FAT DRIVER
STANDS
BY GERTIE.GERTIE FLASHES HER RING THEN THE DRIVER
LEAVES , HE
IS DEJECTED.GERTIE IS ALL SMILES , IT HAS MADE HER DAY IN
FACT
TONY GOES TO TALK TO GERTIE.
Tony:Well it certainly helped clear the shelves.
Gertie:I was propositioned too!
Tony:I hope it didn't upset you.
Gertie:Of course not.I made my day.
GERTIE SIGHS AND LOOKS UPWARDS , TONY SCRATCHES HIS HEAD ,
PAUL
WALKS IN AT THAT MOMENT .
Paul:What happened to the crowd , they all just left.
HE LOOKS AND SEES EMPTY SHELVES
Tony:We had a sales gimick that's all.It should all help towards
paying
the redundancies.What news have you got for us anyway?
Paul:Well ,I've come to say you can all finish now , I've sold the
lot ,
I've got the checks in my pocket , no need to work the rest of
the
three months.
Gertie:You Mean its all over.
Paul:Afraid so.it hurts me as much as it hurts you , I was born in
this
shop , right where you are sitting now.
GERTIE LOOKS AROUND HER , AS IF SHE WILL SEE A MOTHER IN
CHILD
BIRTH , ALL SHE SEES ARE CRUSHED SALES SLIPS AND MUD FROM
THE
LORRY DRIVER'S BOOTS
Paul:Can you call everybody here then ,Tony.
Tony:All right.
TONY WALKS AWAY TO FETCH THE STAFF
Paul:You know dad and me will give you all glowing references , I
just
hope you get all get fixed up .Have you any plans , Gertie?
Gertie:Actually , I'm getting married and setting up in business , we
hope
to have a shop of our own.
Paul:That's good , what kind of shop , a small grocers perhaps?
Gertie:A health food shop.Me and Keith will run it.
Paul:Is that big Keith the sales rep?
Gertie:Yes. (FULL Of PRIDE)
Paul:So you and Bernadette at least will be ok.
Gertie:Yes- best of all I may be pregnant and it could be twins as
twins
run in Keith's family.
Paul:I'm really pleased for you .You really deserve it.
PAULS GIVES GERTIE A HUG , SHE WOBBLES ON HER STOOL , BUT
WITH A
BIG EFFORT MANAGES TO STAY ON.
Paul:We may as well celebrate .
PAUL GOES TO WHAT'S LEFT OF THE DRINKS DISPLAY AND GRABS
SOME
WINE.GERTIE FOLLOWS HIS LEAD AND GRABS SOME CHOLOLATE ,
SNAPPING
IT IN HALF WITH TWO FINGERS.THE GIRLS GATHER , TONY AND
SUSAN
FETCH SOME GLASSES FROM THE SHELVES.BEN ARRIVES WITH A
MEAT
CLEAVER IN HIS HAND , HE WIPES THE BLOOD ON HIS BUTCHERS
BIB ,
THEN OPENS THE BOTTLES WITH HIS KNIFE.DRINKS ARE
POURED.THEN
PAUL PROPOSES A TOAST.
Paul:To the best workers a man could every ask for.
THEY DRINK THE TOAST
Paul:I've got your checks here , you'll all be paid what's due and
a
bonus too as you are the flagship shop.
THE CHECKS ARE HANDED OUT , THE GIRLS DON'T KNOW WHAT TO
SAY.
Gertie:Thanks , Paul.We all have had a happy time working here.
Ben:You like my family.
Gertie:Yes one big happy family.
AT THAT MOMENT THE DOOR SWING OPEN , BILL THE DRIVER FOR
BLAIRS
COMES IN , HE HAS A BLACK EYE.THE GIRLS COO AROUND HIM
Jenny:What happened?
Bill:The wife hit me she wants a divorce.
GERTIE WHISPERS TO BERNADETTE
Gertie:It took her long enough.
Jenny:The bitch , oh my poor Bill.
JENNY EMBRACES THE POT BELLIED , UNSHAVED , ONE EARRINGED
FORM
OF BEN.AS THEY EMBRACE BEN SQUEEZES JENNY'S BUM.BERNADETTE IS
DISGUSTED , SHE WHISPERS BACK TO GERTIE
Bernadette:He's little more than an animal , he looks like a pirate
and
has the manners of a pig.
Gertie:A rabbit from what I've heard.
BERNADETTE DOES NOT UNDERSTAND , TILL GERTIE SAYS "YOU KNOW"
Bernadette:How dreadful, the beast.
BERNADETTE TAKES A LONG DRINK FROM HER GLASS , AS THE THOUGHT
OF
BILL HAS LEFT A HORRIBLE TASTE IN HER MOUTH.
BILL HAS FINISHED GRAPLING WITH JENNY SO HE GRABS A GLASS ,
HE
TAKES HIS YORKIE BAR OUT AND DIPS IT INTO THE WINE , BEFORE
EATING A CHUNK OF THE YORKIE BAR , THEN FINISHING OFF THE
WINE.
BILL THEN BURPS AND SCRATCHES HIS BUM.THEN HE HEADS FOR THE
DISPLAY
TO HELP HIMSELF TO A FOUR PACK.
Bill:Wine is fine , but its for puffs it you ask me.
HE KNOCKS BACK THE FIRST CAN
TONY IS STANDING BY SUSAN , HE PUTS DOWN HIS WINE AND PICKS
UP
A CAN OF BEER INSTEAD.SUSAN SPOTS THIS AND SMILES , SHE
WHISPERS
IN HIS EAR.
Susan:No need to do that , you are ALL man.
SHE WINKS AT TONY, HE BLUSHES
Tony:I prefer lager.
SUSAN LOOKS DISBELIEVING
Tony:Honest.
SUSAN STILL LOOKS DISBELIEVING
Susan:You said the opposite in the wine bar the other day.
Tony:I don't remember.
Susan:Liar.
TONY PUTS THE CAN DOWN AND PICKS UP HIS GLASS AGAIN
Susan:I still love you , even if you are a puff.
TONY OPENS HIS MOUTH TO COMPLAIN , SUSAN KISSES HIM , THEY
GET
CARRIED AWAY.BERNADETTE IS AGAIN DISGUSTED.SHE SPEAKS TO
LORRAINE
Bernadette:What is the world coming to sex , sex , sex everywhere.
Lorraine:I must be going to the wrong places.
Bernadette:Have you no shame.
Lorraine:I don't get a chance to have any.I wonder is it my spots
that
put boys off.
PAUL IS NOW TALKING TO GERTIE.
Paul:I tried everything but the competition is so fierce nowadays.
Gertie:You did your best.
PAUL POURS A VERY LARGE MEASURE OF WHISKEY INTO HIS GLASS ,
AND
DRINKS IT BEFORE REFILLING IT.
Gertie:Steady on there , you're driving.
Paul:I feel like a failure , I feel terrible , I don't think I'll
ever
be happy again.
BEN HAS HAD HIS BACK TO THEM WHILE THEY TALK , HE HEARS THIS
Ben:You no well , I give you soup make you feel very well.It old
Chine
receipe.My grandmother teach it me.You wait her I fetch .I give
it
to you , to everybody.
BEN GOES AWAY TO FETCH HIS SOUP.ONE OR TWO CUSTOMERS FILTER
IN
AND JOIN THE PARTY
Paul:He's a nice person , he likes to help everybody , but not
even his
soup will help.I feel a failure.I even tried the pools , in a
vain
hope I'd win.
PAUL IS QUITE DRUNK BY NOW , IT'S MADE HIM MOROSE
JANE THE CLEANER ARRIVES AT THIS POINT , SHE STOPS BY GERTIE
AND
PAUL.
Gertie:Hello , Jane.This one is yours.
GERTIE HANDS JANE AN ENVELOPE WITH THE FINAL CHECK IN IT.
Jane:This is the final payoff I suppose.
Paul:The final payday , my old friend
PAUL IS SWAYING AND HE LEANS ON JANE FOR SUPPORT , HE THEN
SLIDES
DOWN HER BODY TILL HE REACHES THE FLOOR.THERE HE SITS PROPTED
UP
BY THE CASHDESK.
Gertie:If you were younger Jane , I'd be disgusted with the pair of
you.
Jane:Don't be so cheeky , you little monkey.
Gertie:I'm only joking , here have a drink.
GERTIE PASSES JANE A DRINK , BEN RETURNS WITH A BIG SAUCEPAN
OF HIS
SOUP , HE HAS A LADLE , IN THE SAUCEPAN , UP ONE ARM ARE
LITTLE
BOWLS , HE LOOKS THE PART -AS A WAITER.
Ben:I bring soup , you try?
Gertie:Go on then.
Jane:I'll have a little bit too.
Ben:Where Paul?
GERTIE POINTS DOWNWARDS , PAUL IS CRADLING BOTTLE OF JOHNIE
WALKER
BEN SERVES GERTIE AND JANE THEN HE BENDS DOWN TO SERVE PAUL
Ben:You try soup , make you better.
Paul:I'm a failure , I'm going to Spain in disgrace.
Ben:You try soup , you feel better.
Paul:I want to die , just bury me in a bottle , a giant bottle of
this.
PAUL HOLDS UP HIS BOTTLE , AND TAKES A SWIG.BEN PUTS SOME SOUP
IN A
BOWL THEN FEEDS PAUL LIKE A BABY .
Ben:You drink , you feel better.
Gertie:This soup is good .
Jane:Here give it to me I'll serve the others while you see to
Paul.
Ben:Ok, first I fill his bowl again.
BEN FILLS PAULS BOWL AGAIN THEN JANE TAKES THE SAUCEPAN AND
BOWLS
JANE THEN SERVES THE OTHERS.(*** NOTE...AS WELL AS THE GIRLS
MENTION
ED THERE WILL BE 5 OR SO OTHERS IN THE BACKGROUND
THROUGHOUT****)
EVRYBODY SAYS "THIS IS NICE AND WORDS LIKE THAT". KEITH ARRIVES
HE LOOKS PUZZLED BY THE PARTY TAKING PLACE.
Keith:What's this , getting drunk at work hey?
Gertie:No, its Paul's idea , he's paid us off so we are having a
party
before we go.
Keith:Don't I get a drink then?
Gertie:Don't I get a kiss then?
THEY LOCK IN AN EMBRACE LIKE SUMO WRESTLERS , BERNADETTE
MAKES
HER WAY THROUGH THE CROWD.SHE IS MUTTERING AS SHE MAKES HER
WAY
Bernadette:It's like Soddam and Gormorra , Tony and Susan are trying
to
eat one another and as for Bill and Jenny , they've
disappeared
into the back of his lorry.I daren't think what they are
doing.
At least you have some sense Gertie.
AT THIS POINT SHE ACTUALLY NOTICES GERTIE AND KEITH ,SHE IS
SHOCKED
Bernadette:This is terrible , where is Paul , he must put a stop to
this.
SHE LOOKS DOWN AND SEES PAUL POURING WHISKEY INTO HIS SOUP ,
BEN IS
SITTING BESIDES HIM , BOTH ARE DRUNK
Bernadette:If this is what it's come to then I'm glad we are closing.
SHE GOES OFF IN A HUFF.AT THIS POINT THE BIN MEN ARRIVE , SO
JANE
GIVES THEM SOUP AND A DRINK .THEY CLEAR A LITTLE RUBBISH THEN
JOIN
THE PARTY.THE WINDOW CLEANER ALSO ARRIVES WITH A YOUNG YOUTH
WHO
IS COVERED IN SPOTS.
Jane:Who's the lad.
Window:He's my young lad , he's taking over the business , I'm going
to
Cleaner:retire to Spain.I'm too old to be walking he streets.
WE SEE BERNADETTE WALK PAST AS HE SAYS THIS , SHE IS DISGUSTED
AND
HURRIES AWAY.
Bernadette:I'll get my coat then I'll leave this den of inequity.
THROUGH THE CROWD , LORRAINE SPOTS THE WINDOW CLEANERS SON ,
HE
SEES HER , THEIR EYES MEET THEY ARE DRAWN TO ONE ANOTHER.
Lorraine:Hello , who are you? (SHE FANCIES HIT SOMETHING ROTTEN)
Dennis:I'm Dennis , your new window cleaner.(HE'S SMITTEN)
Lorraine:But we're closing down.
Dennis:So I won't see you again.
Lorraine:Well I've got a job in the cake shop upo the road .
Dennis:Well I will see you again , I do all this street.
LORRAINE SMILES SHE IS SO HAPPY , AS IS DENNIS.
Lorraine:Do you want a drink?
Dennis:All right , but I get tiddly really easily.
Lorraine:And me.
THEY SMILE , WE SWITCH BACK TO THE CASH DESK , PAUL IS NOW
ON HIS
FEET , HE IS TALKING TO THE WINDOW CLEANER,IN SLURRED TONES
Paul:So your going to Spain.
W/cleaner:To the Costa Blanca
Paul:I'm going there too , I'll be going into the property
business.
W/cleaner:I'm hoping to buy a little place there.
Paul:Where exactly will you be?
W/cleaner:Pueblo Azul.
Paul:I'm going there!
W/cleaner:That's a coincidence,we'll be neighbours.
Paul:Have you bought yet.
W/cleaner:Not yet.
Paul:Well I can help you there.
WE SWITCH TO THE BACK OF THE SHOP , BERNADETTE IS MAKING
HER WAY
OUT OF THE SHOP , SHE IS PUTTING HER HAT AND COAT ON.SHE IS
VERY
DISGUSTED WITH EVERYBODY.A DRUNKEN SING SONG HAS STARTED.
Bernadette:I'll just say goodbye to Lorraine then I'll go home.At
least
she's got some sense.
SHE THEN COMES ACROSS A "SPOTTY ENCOUNTER" , LOCKED IN AN
EMBRACE
Bernadette:How disgusting.Lorraine what are you doing.
Lorraine:I don't know what it's called but its wonderful.
DENNIS AND LORRAINE SMILE SHEEPISHLY.
Bernadette:Well Madame you can come home now ,I'll have a word with
your
mother.
SHE TAKES LORRAINE BY THE ARM AND DRAGS HER AWAY ,DENNIS
IS
SADDENED.LORRAINE SHOUTS BACK TO DENNIS.
Lorraine:I'll see you outside Woolies at 7.30 on Friday.
Dennis:Ok.See you.
WITH THAT LORRAINE DRAGGED BY BERNADETTE LEAVE THE SHOP ,
ON
THE PAVEMENT BERNADETTE BLESSES HERSELF AND SHAKES THE
DUST OFF
HER SHOES BEFORE SHE DRAGS LORRAINE OFF.DENNIS HAS
FOLLOWED
THEM TO THE DOOR HE WAVES GOODBYE.THE "SPOTTY LOVERS" BLOW
KISSES OF FAREWELL.DENNIS'S DAD WALKS UP BEHIND HIM
W/Cleaner:It's lucky we came in here, I've found a bargain .
Dennis:So have I , dad.
HIS DAD LOOKS PUZZLED , WITH THAT THEY LEAVE , PUSHING
THEIR
BARROW WITH LADDERS IN FRONT OF THEM.
INSIDE JANE IS TALKING TO BEN
Jane:That soup of your's was very good.What was it?
Ben:Old recipe.In English you call it Rat soup.
Jane:I suppoase it's ok , I mean in the Franco-Prussian war the
French ate
them , that's why they are famous for sauces.They made sauces to
hide
the taste of the rats.
Ben:My Grandmother was in France a long time ago.
Jane:So she do it from there.
A BINMAN COMES UP TO JANE
Binman:We have to get back to the depo now.
Jane:Hang on , you can give me a lift.
JANE DASHES TO GET HER COAT , THE BINMAN HAS A WORD WITH
BEN
Binman:That soup was very good , what was it.
Ben:Rat soup , like the French used to make it.
Binman:Your a joker .
THE BINMAN LAUGHS AND TELLS HIS CREW THEY ALL LAUGH ,
JANE
RETURENS THEN SHOUTS "BYE" BEFORE LEAVING ON THE DUST
CART
THE OTHERS SOON TRICKLE AWAY TILL ONLY PAUL ,TONY AND
SUSAN
ARE LEFT IN THE SHOP. TONY AND SUSAN LOOK DOWN AT PAUL
Susan:He looks so sad , he feels he's a failure.
Tony:He's brilliant at getting drunk.
WE LOOK DOWN AT A REALLY SOZZLED PAUL
Susan:He's much to drunk to drive home.
Tony:We cann't just leave him here.
Susan:Why not ring his dad?
Tony:He's dad's so frail he couldn't lift him.
Susan:We could lock the shop then push the keys back through the
letter
box.
Tony:Ok we'll do that.
SO SUSAN AND PAUL TURN THE LIGHTS OFF AND LEAVE THE SHOP ,
LOCKING
IT THEN PUSHING THE KEYS BACK THROUGH THE LETTER BOX.WE
FOLLOW
TONY AND SUSAN DOWN THE ROAD , AS THEY WALK AWAY A MAN RUSHES
PAST
THEM CARRYING A BRIEFCASE.
Susan:He's in a hurry.
Tony:At least we can relax now , for a week before we start our new
jobs.
THEY WAL A BIT MORE DOWN THE ROAD
Susan:Let's just have one last look.
Tony:Just one last look.
THEY TURN TO SEE THE SHOP FOR A LAST TIME , THE MAN IN A
HURRY
IS TRYING THE DOORS.
Tony:I better go back to see what he wants.
Susan:Oh no you don't , Blairs is the past , its the future we have
to
look forward too.
Tony:Oh , if you insist.
Susan:I do.
SUSAN GIVES HIM A PECK ON THE CHEEK , THEN THEY TURN THEIR
BACKS
ON BLAIRS AND WALK AWAY.AS THE CREDITS ROLE WE HEAR SUSAN
SAY.
Susan:You know that man trying the door.
Tony:You think I should go back.
Susan:No , its just that he reminds me of the pools collector.
Tony:No , it cann't be.
FADEOUT...THE END
Tramps ©
by
Michael Casey
Opening Scene
A priest is finishing a service at the back of the
church a tramp is shuffling about as the service ends he starts to
beg. Th priest sees this from the altar and still wearing his
vestments he gives the blessing then he goes straight from the
altar to the back of the church.He takes the tramp by the arm.
Priest:I've given you two pounds already , will you stop pestering
my congregation.
Tramp:I'm saying my prayers.
THE PRIEST TAKES HIM BY THE ARM AND LEADS HIM OUT OF THE
CHURCH , HE THEN POINTS SAYING "GO".
The tramp shuffles along , we are looking over his shoulder ,
we do not see his face.As people walk by they look the other
way or wince even , one "posh" lady dabs her nose with a
handkerchief, another crosses the road , the tramp is very
badly dressed even for a tramp , one arm of his overcoat is
is held on with safety pins.One "dolly bird" on the arm of a
much older man says "Isn't he horrid" and turns her nose
as she wobbles away on stillettos with her "uncle".The
tramp watches them go.
Michael:They calls us tramps,I know we are different, a little
dirty,a little smelly,no polished shoes us.But why be so
hard on us , anybody can be a "tramp",we are not all
alcoholics.If we are then there is a reason for it.We
still have our pride.
(HE WIPES HIS NOSE ON HIS SLEEVE , ONE OF THE PINS GIVES
SO HE HAS TO PULL THE SLEEVE BACK UP)
At least we are not drug addicts ,now they are bad,them
bastards ,they'd kill one of us and sell the body for dog
meat just so they could "experience" their inner self,they
are BASTARDS , I would call them Tramps.
HE WALKS ALONG , HE IS IN THE BACKSTREETS NOW , HE LOOKS
THROUGH A CAFE WINDOW , LORRY DRIVERS ARE INSIDE , IN ONE
CORNER IS ANOTHER TRAMP, HE IS BEING TEASED BY THE
DRIVERS.
Driver:Been in any more fights then?
THE DRIVER PRETENDS TO THROW A PUNCH , THE TRAMP INSIDE
DODGES AND WEAVES , KNOCKING HIS TEA OVER HIMSELF.ALL THE
DRIVERS LAUGH.
Driver:Here, get another and a sandwich.
HE PUTS A POUND COIN IN THE ASHTRAY , THE TRAMP SEARCHES
FOR IT.
2nd Driver:Bill , you're an evil bastard sometimes.
Driver:But you still love me.
DRIVER BILL BLOWS A KISS AT THE 2nd DRIVER ,WHO CHASES
HIM OUTSIDE, THEY NEARLY KNOCK MICHAEL THE TRAMP OVER.
THE OTHER DRIVERS LAUGH.HAVING FOUND THE COIN AMONGST
ASH THE TRAMP ASKS FOR A TEA AND BUTTY.MICHAEL THEN
WATCHES THE OTHER TRAMP SIT DOWN AGAIN.
Michael:We are all different , look at Jim there ,he was a
boxer,he just did not know when to stop,one fight too many
A CLOSE UP OF JIM WOLFING DOWN HIS BUTTY AND
SLOBBERING.
and he ended up punch drunk.That was ok as he still could
do personal appearances , he was very popular after all.
FADEOUT ON JIM , THEN WE SEE A SHOP BEING OPENED ,THE
MAN DOING THE HONOURS IS JIM , CLEAN SHAVEN AND IN A
SUIT ,THERE IS A CROWD , WE ARE LOOKING OVER MICHAEL'S
SHOULDER.
Inside The Shop.
Jim:Where's the photographer then.
Mr Singh:I don't know , have another drink.
Jim:I don't mind if I do.
ANOTHER GENEROUS MEASURE IS GIVEN , THE BOTTLE MR SINGH IS
POURING FROM IS HALF EMPTY.
Mr Singh:I'm sorry about this,I'll ring him again.
Jim:I could go straight ahead now , the crowd is quite big.
Mr Singh:No we must have photos , my cousin will get it in the
paper then , we must have the photo.
Jim:Quite a business man aren't you.
Mr Singh:I'll go and phone then.
Jim:You can leave the bottle.
MR SINGH WALKS AWAY , MUTTERING IN HINDI , JIM HAS
ANOTHER DRINK , MR SINGH RETURNS.
Mr Singh:His wife says he's at a wedding he'll be here soon.
Jim:What about the crowd?
Mr Singh:You wouldn't mind talking with them?
Jim:For another hundred.
Mr Singh:Fifty.
Jim:Seventy five plus a fresh bottle.
JIM HOLDS UP A NOW EMPTY BOTTLE .MR SINGH MUTTERS THEN
SAYS AS HE SHAKES HIS HEAD.
Mr Singh:OK.
Jim:You're a gentleman.
JIM BURPS , MR SINGH COMES BACK WITH A BOTTLE , THEN
JIM HEADS FOR THE DOOR.AS HE OPENS IT THERE IS A CHEER
FROM THE CROWD , THEY MOVE FORWARD. WE GET A WIDER VIEW
OF THE CROWD , IT IS LARGE , ON THE PAVEMENT OPPOSITE
IS MICHAEL.
Michael:Yes he was liked then , loved even , we all love a
sporting loser.
WE LOOK BACK AT JIM AGAIN.
Jim:I've been having a little drink .
HE TAKES HIS GLASS OUT OF HIS POCKET AND POURS HIMSELF A
DRINK.
Woman:What about us.
Man:Yes , what about us.
Jim:I only have one glass , but you can share my bottle.
Crowd:What about us
JIM PASSES HIS BOTTLE TO THE WOMAN.INSIDE MR SINGH IS
WORRIED AND TALKS TO HIS WIFE , THE USUAL INDIAN HAND
GESTURES , HE RINGS THE PHOTOGRAHER AGAIN , AS HE KEEPS
HALF AN EYE ON JIM AND THE CROWD.HIS WIFE FINDS SOME
GLASSES AND GOES OUTSIDE ALL SMILES.
Mrs Singh:Glasses eveybody?
Woman:Give me one , its bad manners to drink out of a bottle.
Man:How about some more to drink?.
Jim:I could do with another.
MR SINGH SEES WHAT IS GOING ON AND SIGHS , THEN GRABS A
FEW BOTTLES OF THUNDERBIRD WINE AND GOES OUTSIDE
SMILING.A CHEER GOES UP AS THE DRINKS ARE PASSED AROUND
THE CROWD GETS BIGGER IN FACT AS PASSERS BY STOP FOR THE
DRINK.JIM WHISPERS TO MR SINGH.
Jim:Can you get me something decent to drink not that stuff.
Mr Singh:Of course sir. (HE IS SMILING THROUGH HIS TEETH)
MR SINGH FETCHES A BOTTLE OF JOHNIE WALKER
Jim:Thanks a lot , you're a gentleman.
Mr Singh:So you said already.
THE PHOTOGRAPHER ARRIVES AND PUSHES HIM WAY THROUGH
THE CROWD
Photo'gher:Gangway.Gangway.
Old Man:Wait your turn , there's plenty to drink.
THE PHOTOGRAPHER GETS TO THE FRONT AND SHAKES MR
SINGHS HAND.
Mr Singh:What kept you "Uddy" ?
Uddy:I was using the video stuff for a wedding , everybody
wanted to be the picture so the folks back at home
would see them.
Mr Singh:You can make photos from video too cann't you?
Uddy:I can do video now if you like.
Mr Singh:Go on then the crowd is big enough , thanks to the
free wine
UDDY GOES TO HIS CAR AND FETCHES THE VIDEO , THEN
RETURNS TO THE FRONT OF THE SHOP.
Jim:Are we ready then?
Mr Singh:Yes , can you pose with your hands up.
Uddy:We will say Singh's store is knockout.
Jim:Ok.
JIM GIVES HIS BEST POSE , THE CROWD CHEER AND EGG HIM
ON , WITH CALLS OF "KNOCK HIS BLOCK OFF"
Mr Singh:That's great , how about a bit of footwork.
Jim:Ok then.
Uddy:That's really good.
JIM AND UDDY PERFORM IN FRONT OF THE CROWD , MR SINGH
IS DIRECTING , THE CROWD REALLY ENJOYS IT.JIM STOPS TO
HAVE A DRINK AND KISS AN OLD LADY.BEFORE LUNGING AT
UDDY AGAIN.
Mr Singh:That's really good , have you got the name of the shop
in?
Uddy:Yes , he's still very fit.
Jim:Of course I am , here are catch this.
JIM THROWS A BIG PUNCH , BECAUSE OF THE DRINK IT HITS
UDDY AND HE IS SENT FLYING.
*** NOTE: WE COULD SHOW WHAT UDDY CAPTURES ON VIDEO , MIXED
IN WITH THE GENERAL SHOT.***
Crowd:What a punch!
Mr Singh:You clot.
JIM STUMBLES AND HAD TO LEAN ON AN OLD WOMAN , SHE
KISSES HIM.
Woman:If only you did that in your fight against Williams
you'd still be champion.
MR SINGH IS BENDING OVER UDDY ,TRYING TO REVIVE
HIM.JIM COMES OVER TO SEE IS HE ALRIGHT.
Mr Singh:You could have killed him.
Jim:If you just give me my money I'll go then.
Mr Singh:You're joking you nearly kill my cousin ,and you want
money ! Go . Go.
JIM MAKES HIS WAY THROUGH THE CROWD AS THEY GATHER
AROUND THE FALLEN PHOTOGRAPHER.MRS SINGH SLIPS HIM A
FEW NOTES AS HE GOES , JIM LOOKS AT THEM AND PASSES
TO A MAN IN A WHEELCHAIR WHO HAD COME TO SEE THE
OPENING, WITH HEAD HELD LOW HE GOES.
WE SEE A LONGSHOT OF HIM OVER MICHAEL'S SHOULDER.
Michael:That was his downfall.The photographer was ok , and his
equipment , they lent the video to the TV news.Mr Singh
got a lot of free publicity.As for Jim he went back to
work on the buildings.
NEXT SCENE JIM ON THE BUILDINGS , WE SEE HIM BUbMLING
ABOUT , HE KICKS A BUCKET AND IT FALLS DOWN A TRENCH
HITTING SOMEBODY , THE WORKER CLIMBS UP AND CHASES JIM
Worker:Come back you dozey bastard , last week you nearly poisoned
us now you try and break my skull
Jim:It was an accident .
HE STILL RUNS AWAY , HE BUMPS INTO THE BOSS , IN HIS
BEST SUIT , TALKING TO THE FORMAN
Forman:You stupid bastard Jim.
Boss:What's going on.
THE WORKER ARRIVES ON THE SCENE.
Boss:Why are you chasing this man , its not a bloody park.
Worker:Just a bit of fun.
Boss:I'll have no fun and games on my site we got fined last
week already for some stupid reason.You're both fired.
Jim:It was my fault, I knocked a bucket down a trench it hit
him.
Boss:Is that right?
Worker:Yes , it was just an accident, I was angry that's all.
Boss:Ok , you can keep you're job , but you are fired.
HE POINTS AT JIM.
Forman:Go to the site office , I'll see you in a minute.
JIM WALKS AWAY
Forman:You won't give another chance will you? He's down on his
luck.You do know who he is?
Boss:I do , but safety is important especially after the fine.
Forman:Ok then , we were finished anyway so I'll go and sort Jim
out then.
Boss:I won a few bob on "Gentleman Jim" when he was in the ring,
put an extra two hundred in his packet , tell him we'll
give him a good reference.
Forman:Ok boss.
WE THAN SEE JIM WALK OFF SITE WITH THE LADS WAVING HIM
OFF,THEN THE FORMAN SAYS "BACK TO WORK IF YOU WANT THE
BONUS"
Michael:He couldn't get a proper job after that, he couldn't keep
up with his morgage on his big house so he sold it,he had
to live of his savings , they soon go if you're not use to
leaving like normal people.From the high life to the low
life can be a shock
AS MUCHAEL GIVES THE COMMENTRY WE SEE A MONTAGE OF JIM
BEING SACKED AND BEING TOLD HE IS TOO OLD FOR OTHER JOBS.
WE SEE JIM SELLING A FEW THINGS TO A THINGS TO A JUNK
SHOP , AND LOOKING WITH DISMAY AT THE SMALL PRICE HE
GETS
Michael:So Jim slipped down the snake of life , sometimes he got a
ladder up,but usually he slipped down.One ladder was a TV
interview in the "Where are they Now" series....
WE SEE JIM IN A TV STUDIO , IN A SUIT THAT HAS SEEN BETTER
DAYS
Reporter:Well Gentleman Jim , how are you?
Jim:Fine.
Reporter:And what are you doing nowadays.
Jim:I do the odd thing here and there .
Reporter:But of course.The fight game is very rewarding.
Jim:Not as good as it is now.If only I was twenty years
younger
Reporter:Well we cann't do that for you , but we can show you a
film.
A MONTAGE OF JIM IN HIS FIGHT DAYS IS SHOWN .
Reporter:I bet that brought back a few memories.
Jim:It did.
Reporter:It's funny how you don't remember me.
Jim:Should I.
Reporter:Well take a look at this.
THE VIDEO OF MR SINGH'S SHOP IS SHOWN.
Jim:That was an accident , why show that.
Reporter:It was me you hit.
Jim:I'm sorry , but as I said it was an accident.
Reporter:Well thats's all we have time for.
WE SEE JIM SAYING SORRY OVER AND OVER AGAIN , THE
REPORTER IS IGNORING HIM,IT WAS SELF PUPLICITY HE WANTED.
Michael:Yes financially it was a ladder up , but it was a slippery
snake as far as Jim's pride went.Jim went on a binge for a
week afterwards.He missed his morgage repayments on his
smaller house so he found himself on the street.He did
find digs in an old victorian house.
WE SEE JIM IN A BED SIT , HIS PHOTOS ALL AROUND HIM.
Jim:I was champ once , if only I did not waste my money,I
could be another Henry Cooper,he gets paid to smile
nowdays.
HE IS LOOKING AT A PHOTO OF HIMSELF HAVING THE BELT PUT
ON HIM.
Michael:Yes Jim still had his pride,though he had long lost the
money he'd made in the ring.He was in a world of his own
surrounded by his memories.Then a supermarket wanted to
buy the house where he rented a room so a carpark could be
built as well as a bakery for the supermarket.So the
landlord did not let when his tenents left Jim was soon
the only tenent in the whole house.Then the landlord gave
Jim oe500 to get him to leave , Jim took it.
AS MICHAEL NARRATES WE SEE A MONTAGE OF STUDENT TENENTS
LEAVING AND BUILDING WORK GOING ON OUTSIDE , WITH A SIGN
SAYING "EXTENSION TO SUPERMARKET AND A NEW CARPARK TO BE
BUILT" .THEN JIM LEAVING WITH TWO TATTERED SUITCASES AND
BEING HANDED A WAD OF NOTES , BEFORE THE LANDLORD WALKS
TOWARDS THE BUILDING WORKERS AND A BULLDOZER MOVING
FORWARD
Michael:Jim was on the street now , he managed to get into a
hostel but even there he slipped down another snake.
WE SEE JIM IN A HOSTEL AND BESIDES HIM IS A DRUG ADDICT
ON THE NEXT MATRESS, JIM FALLS ASLEEP AND HIS WAD FALLS
OUT , THE ADDICT PICKS IT UP AND SNEAKS OUT.
Michael:A bastard drug addict stole Jim's money , so Jim couldn't
afford to go into good digs now , he had to stay in
hostels.All he has now is a few photos and his memories.
FADEOUT FROM JIM IN HOSTEL BACK TO MICHAEL STANDING
OUTSIDE CAFE LOOKING IN AT JIM.MICHAEL SNIFFS AND WIPES
HIS NOSE ON HIS SLEEVE BEFORE SHAMBLING ON.AS HE WALKS
ON HE EVENTUALLY COMES TO A TRAMP ASLEEP IN THE DOORWAY
OF A BANK
Michael:This is Peter.
A LOUD SNORE AND SNIffLE COMES FROM PETER
Michael:He used to be very respectable.He had a steady job for
years.He came over to England in the Fifties when you
could get three jobs in a day ,"We never had it so good",
and it was true.
FADEOUT TO SEE PETER AT WORK IN A STEEL WORKS , PEHAPS
WITH DIFFERNT HAIR STYLES TO REPRESENT THE YEARS PASSING
Michael:He liked his job ,his workmates were his family.It takes
a special kind of man to work thirty years in a
steelworks.They are hard men , but with soft hearts.Peter
never married , its quite common for the Irish , some will
not marry , I think its because others in the family have
lots of children so the quota is used up so some don't
marry .Anyway his workmates were his family, he had two
sisters who he would visit so he was not all alone,but in
the main his workmates were his family.
WE SEE PETER LEAVE THE WORKS AND GO TO PUB OVER THE ROAD.
Michael:Being a single man Peter could let himself go more often.
Several times a year he'd go on a binge and miss
work.There's nothing wrong with that ,after all its as hot
as hell in a steelworks 200 degrees.Peter spent quite a
lot in the pub , he was with his family as he was there.
WE SEE PETER IN THE PUB , FRIENDS SAYING "IN HERE AGAIN"
Michael:The Fifties soon became the Eighties and "Economics" was
the word. (ECONOMICS IS PROUNCED AS A SWEAR)
WE SEE A SIGN GOING UP SAYING CLOSURE OF WORKS.THE MEN
GATHER AROUND THEN GO TO THE PUB .
Michael:The works was to close after over 100 years at that site ,
the plant to be shipped to India so they could send steel
back to us.All a question of "economics" (ECONOMICS IS
SWORN)
WE SEE THE WORKERS SAYING THEIR FAREWELLS AND THE WORKS'
GATES LOCKED.
Michael:It was a shock for all of them.Especially Peter , his
family had been split up after all.
WE SEE PETER STANDING OUTSIDE THE LOCKED GATES , TEARS
STREAMING DOWN HIS FACE
Michael:He got bugger all redundancy too , the days of the big
payoffs are over.If you are old you don't need money as
your pension will soon come, so they give you nothing.They
don't say how you are to live for the next ten
years,you're on the srapheap , so much pig
iron."Economics" is just another work for scrapheap.Well I
was telling you about Peter so I'll go on.He went to visit
the works every day.He'd have a drink in the pub with his
friends , with his family.It was like visiting a shrine.
WE SEE PETER GREETING HIS OLD WORKMATES IN THE PUB , HUGS
AND LONG HANDSHAKES.A MONTAGE OF THIS , WITH LESS AND LESS
PEOPLE IN THE PUB.COMMENTS OF "HE'S MOVED SOUTH LOOKING
FOR WORK" AND" HE'S GOT A PART TIME JOB" AND "MY WIFE
SAYS I SHOULDN'T LIVE IN THE PAST"
Michael:It really broke his heart , he had nothing to look forward
to ,his sister asked him to come and live with her and her
family but he said no.His whole world was shattered.
WE SEE PETER LEAVING THE WORKS PUB , AND STOPPING OUTSIDE
THE LOCKED UP WORKS TO BLOW HIS NOSE AND WIPE A TEAR FROM
HIS EYE.
Peter:Why couldn't it wait another ten years , if I had known it
would hurt so much I would have jumped under the roller.
PETER WALKS AWAY SHAKING HIS HEAD , HE IS A BROKEN MAN
Michael:Peter didn't have his old works pub to visit for long.As
the steelworks had closed then the amount of people going
to the pub had dropped , it was "uneconomic" to keep it
open. (UNECONOMIC PRONOUNCED AS A SWEAR)
WE SEE PETER GOING INTO THE PUB , A SIGN ON THE DOOR
SAYING "CLOSURE ON 9 JUNE".PETER HAS A DRINK AND SHAKES
HANDS WITH THE LANDLORD , ITS A LAST FAREWELL.
Michael:Then another blow for him , Peter read in the paper that
the old works were to be bulldozed to make room for a new
bypass.He had no shrine to visit now , his only comfort
was drink.
WE SEE PETER READING A NEWSPAPER WITH A PHOTO OF THE OLD
WORKS IN IT , THERE ARE TEARS IN HIS EYES
Michael:So Peter ended up living for the pub.He soon forgot to pay
his rent and ended living in hostels.Living with children,
kids thrown out by their parents.
WE SEE PETER IN A HOSTEL , A KID IS SAYING "ALL I DID WAS
PLAY MY STEREO TILL 2AM"
Michael:Peter would manage to get a drink every now and then , he
could pretend he had just finished work and was relaxing.
WE SEE PETER IN A PUB
Peter:I used to be a steel worker.
PEOPLE IGNORE HIM , ONE COMPLAINS OF THE HEAT
Girl:It's hot in here.
Peter:Hot my arse , I had to put up with 200 degrees in a steel
works.Until they sacked me ,over thirty years I did then I
was
on the scrapeheap.
Girl's
Boyfriend:Ok pops , I'll buy you a drink.
HE GETS PETER A DRINK ,HIS GIRL SHUFFLES ON HER SEAT
Boyfriend:Here you are then
Peter:Thankyou Sir.
HE RAISES HIS GLASS TO THANK THEM , ONLY TO SPILL A LOT
OVER HIMSELF.AT THE GIRL'S INSISTANCE THE COUPLE MOVE
AWAY.THEN A GROUP OF SOCCAR FANS COME IN , THEY SEE
PETER AND DECIDE TO GET HIM DRUNK
Peter:I was a steelworker ,over thirty years then thrown on
the
scrapheap
Fan:Here have another drink.
PETER DRINKS ,THEN HE IS GIVEN AWOTHER PINT THIS TIME WITH A
FEW SHORTS IN IT.IT SOON GOES TO PETER'S HEAD , HE STARTS TO
SING "DANNY BOY" FIRST IN ENGLISH THEN IN IRISH.EVERYBODY
CHEERS THEN LAUGHS.THE LANDLORD TELLS PETER TO GO FOR HIS
OWN GOOD.SO PETER GETS UP AND STAGGERS OUTSIDE.HERE HE SEES
A CHARITY COLLECTOR.
Peter:I should go home to die , if only I had the fare.
HE LOOKS PAST THE COLLECTOR AND SEES THE IRISH TOURIST
OFFICE , HE LOOKS BACK AT THE COLLECTOR ITS FOR THE GREEN
PARTY
Peter:I'm Green , I'm Irish , give me that money then I'll go
home.
PETER LUNGES FOR THE MONEY , TYHE COLLECTOR SIDESTEPS,
PETER FALLS OVER.A PASSING POLICEMAN WAS GOING TO ARREST
PETER , ONLY THE COLLECTER SAID IT WAS A JOKE.SO PETER JUST
VISITED THE HOSPITAL AND NOT THE POLICE CELLS
Michael:Peter did see the inside of a police station a few times
though .The other winter when we had all the snow.Peter
fell over and was picked up by a policewoman.
WE SEE PETER FALLING OVER , AND THE POLICEWOMAN PICKING
HIM UP.
Peter:Hello Darling will you marry me?
WPc:Where are you going.
Peter:Nowhere.
WPc:Is your hostel near?
Peter:They closed it , the insurance people made them close it
after a fire they had.
WPc:Which one was that?
Peter:In the crypt of the cathedral , the living dead amongst the
dead dead.
WPc:Well you cann't stay out in this weather.
THE WPC RADIOS AND A CAR COMES ALONG , PETER IS TAKEN TO
THE STATION AND PUT IN ONE OF THE CELLS , HE IS GIVEN A HOT
MEAL
Michael:So the police are not all bad after all , Peter often
talks of the time he spent at the "Police Hotel"He's been
a guest of their's quite often.
FADEOUT BACK TO PETER ASLEEP IN BANK'S DOORWAY
Michael:I've got to sign on now ,they make us come every day and
then they grudgingly hand out a pittance only enough for a
hostel and a bite to eat.
WE SEE MICHAEL ENTERING THEN LEAVING THE SOCIAL , HE THEN
SHOVES THE MONEY IN HIS POCKET
Michael:Nobody likes us ,people think we are lepers or something
I'm sure we'd getter better treatment if we had that Aids
cold or whatever it is.
MICHAEL WIPES HIS NOSE ON HIS SLEEVE , THE SLEEVE COMES
LOOSE AGAIN ,SO HE ROOTS IN HIS POCKETS , TAKING OUT A
DISGUSTING HANKY AND A HALF EATEN SANDWICH BEFORE FINDING
A PIN TO FIX HIS SLEEVE WITH.A PASSERBY SEES THIS AND
PUTS AN APPLE HE HAD STARTED TO EAT IN A WASTE
BIN.MICHAEL SEES THE APPLE AND GOES AND TAKES IT OUT THE
BIN
WHEN HIS SLEEVE IS FIXED.IN THE BIN WE SEE A PHOTO OF
MOTHER THERESA AND THE CAPTION "NEW HOME FOR THE
DESTITUTE MRS THATHER TO HELP" IN A NEWSPAPER IN THE
BIN
Michael:Nobody loves us , nobody at all, we have no family no
friends , we have nobody at all
MICHAEL MOVES ON , A GUST OF WIND BLOWS THE NEWSPAPER OUT
OF THE BIN AND PAST HIM.MICHAEL WALKS ON AROUND TOWN
BEFORE STOPPING IN A CAVERNOUS UNDERPASS TO SIT ON A BENCH
WE SEE WELL DRESSED PEOPLE OF ALL AGES AND SEXES PASS BY.
WE SEE SHINEY LEATHER SHOES AND BOOTS , THEN SOMEBODY
STOPS TO DO A SHOELACE NEXT TO MICHAEL.WE SEE THE
CONTRAST ,oe120 SHOES AND DIRTY TRAINERS WITH THE SOLE
LOOSE ON ONE OF THEM , NO LACES JUST STRING.MICHAEL GETS
UP AND WALKS ON.*****NOTE WE NEVER SEE HIS FACE****
AN OLD WOMAN GIVES HIM 20P , SAYING "ITS NOT MUCH
BUT..." WE CAN SHOW THE VARIETY OF "LOOKS" HE GETS AS HE
WALKS BY.
Michael:I cann't go anywhere I please , I'm not as free as a bird
if I want a drink and I have money I cann't go into any
old place ."We don't want your sort in this
establishment" is what they say.An "establishment" they
say and its usually an overpriced place full of plastic
surroundings.The people are nearly as plastic as their
coffee.
( MICHAEL PROUNCES "ESTABLISHMENT" AS A SWEAR )
HE WALKS ON , PASSING A CHURCH.HE POINTS AT IT WITH HIS
HEAD.
Michael:They are quite good in churches.You always get
something.Though not money nowadays.Just a large sandwich
to eat and one for the road with a bottle of milk thrown
in.Not bad really I suppose.Once though I did get more....
Fadeout to MICHAEL ASLEEP IN A CONFESSIONAL THE ELECTRIC FIRE
ON A PRIEST WAKES HIM , THE PRIEST IS SMILING.
Priest:Time for breakfast , come into the house then you can eat.
MICHAEL FOLLOWS PRIEST AND SITS AT TABLE AND HAS BREAKFAST
THEN WE SEE HIM LEAVING AFTER BREWKFAST WITH THE PRIEST
GIVING HIM MONEY TOO , THE PRIEST IS SMILING.fadeback
Michael:That was a breakfast I'll never forget.I was treated like
a real person not a bag of rubbish.We are still people
despite our looks.
HE WALKS ON BEFORE CONTINUING
Michael:My treasure was Mrs Hastings , I would pass her house and
she would shout till I stopped.She called me "Michael" ,if
it was not for her I think I'd have forgotten my name so
little do I hear it.Now she would feed me and give me
something for the road.She always said look after
yourself and find somewhere out of the cold.She died
about five years ago so I have nobody to call my name now.
I did follow her advice though she was such a nice woman
MICHAEL WALKS HE IS IN THE COMMERCIAL AREA NOW.NEW
SKYSCRAPERS
EVERYWHERE.MICHAEL REACHES OUT WITH BOTH HANDS TO THEM
Michael:"Progress" they call it. No more old abandoned buildings
where I can have a rest out of the cold and rain when I
don't have money for a shelter.People moan when they see
us in the subways but where else can we go out of the
rain if the abandoned buildings are gone.People like me
will never see the insides of these glass towers.I would
like to look down at myself from one of them.High finance
pays for them not the likes of me.I think its called
"High Finance" because they build so high
WE VIEW MICHAEL FROM HIGH UP AS HE CHUCKLES BEFORE
COUUGHING VIOLENTLY THEN SPITTING INTO HIS HANKEY
Michael:I did once get into one of those big buildings.I got in
via the underground carpark.I made myself a nice bed out
of boxes of paper and I used the mat as a blanket.It was
great.Then in the middle of the night one of the all night
computer workersfound me when he went to get some chips.So
I got kicked out.
I caught a cold that night which I've never lost.All because
of some bastard computer worker.
MICHAEL COUGHS VIOLENTLY AND SPITS BLOOD
Michael:Mind you he did give me some money for chips too.I had to
spend the rest of the night in a subway.
MICHAEL WALKS ON.HE COMES TO A LARGE FOUNTAIN IN FRONT
OF THE COUNCIL BUILDINGS.THERE IS A LADY TRAMP THERE ON
A BENCH .THE PIDGEONS ARE ALL OVER HER.PIDGEON MESS ON
HER
Michael:Thats's old Mary there , she does carry her world in
carrier bags.She used to be a secretary in a big company.
When the compamy grew she got left behind , so she retired
early she did not want to learn about "computerised
typing".She got an electric typewriter when she retired,
and a silver salver.....
FADEOUT TO A CLEAN MARY IN HER LOUNGE SITTING IN FRONT OF
HER NEW TYPEWRITER.
Mary:What am I doing to do with myself now I have no work.I
suppose I could keep a diary
MARY STARTS TYPING
Michael:So she kept a diary.But this was not enough.So she started
making reports of her day.Long and detailed ones.
WE SEE MARY TYPING "MONDAY 25 APRIL ROSE AT 8.30 HAD
BREAKFAST WHICH CONSISTED OF BOILED EGG (FREE RANGE) TWO TOASTS
(HOMEMEAL).LOOKED AT NEWSPAPERS , SWITCHED ON JIMMY YOUNG THEN
WENT TO OFFICE.....
Michael:What was a hobby became an obsession.It grew and grew.
MONTAGE OF MARY TYPING , THEN A FOLDER FILLING WITH
DIARY ENTRIES AND REPORTS.
Michael:Then the fuse went on her electric typewriter.
WE SEE MARY TYPING BUT NO RESULTS
Mary:Oh ,something is wrong ,what can it be. (SHE ASKS THE CAT)
Michael:She put the typewriter in a bag and the silver salver in
another
WE SEE MARY DOING THIS
Mary:I'll take it to the mender.I better take the salver too just
in case we have unwelcome visitors while I'm out.
SHE'S TALKING TO THE CAT.WE THEN SEE HER LEAVE AND WALK
DOWN THE ROAD TO THE TYPEWRITER SHOP.SHE LOOKS IN THE
SHOP WINDOW SHE SEE'S THE TYPEWRITER BEING
DEMONSTRATED.***NOTE WE COULD HAVE MICHAEL'S
REFLECTION BESIDE HERS,OTHERWISE HE'S UNSEEN IN
MARY'S LIFE.WE SEE HIM AT THE START LOOKING AT HER
AS A TRAMP COVERED IN PIDGEONS AND IN REFLECTION
ONLY******
MARY IS DAZED BY THE DEMO , IT REMINDS HER OF
ALL HER WORKING LIFE FROM EARLY TYPEWRITER TILL HER RETIREMENT
ANOTHER MONTAGE.WITH HER SURROUNDED BY TYPEWRITERS
Michael:Something happened in that instant , her whole life had
been spent with typewriters.
WE SEE MARY WALKING IN A DAZE AWAY FROM THE SHOP TILL SHE
IS SEEN FEEDING PIDGEONS
Michael:So she started her new career feeding the pidgeons.
WE ARE BACK TO MARY AS A TRAMP , IN THE BACK GROUND WE
HAVE PROTESTS AGAINST THE COUNCIL.
Michael:Mary is not really a tramp ,she just stays here all day
then
goes home , thats why she hates people offering her
money.Pehaps she will get her typewrite fixed , one day.
AN OLD MAN ON A BENCH NEXT TO MARY THE TRAMP LOOKS AT THE
FOUNTAIN AND SIGHS SAYING.
"THE FOUNTAIN IS LIKE US , ALL OF A RUSH WHEN WE ARE
YOUNG NOW WE ARE ON THE EBB , ALL WE HAVE TO LOOK
FORWARD TO IS DEATH" , WE SEE THE FOUNTAIN RISE AND
FALL .
ITS GETTING DARK NOW ,THAT PART OF TOWN IS QUITE EMPTY.
MICHAEL SMABLES ALONG WITH MARY IN THE BACKGROUND ,HE IS
GOING
TOWARDS THE NIGHTCLUB PART OF TOWN.WE SEE HIM STOPPING AT
TRAFFIC
LIGHTS AND PRESSING THE PELICAN CROSSINGS , PEOPLE IN A CAR
THAT
HAS PULLED UP "TUT TUT" AT THE SIGHT OF HIM .WHEN HE CROSSES
THE
ROAD A MAN GIVES HIM A POUND BEFORE RUSHING OFF.
Michael:He's a Gent I see him quite often in town ,he pops up all
over the
place , he always gives me a pound.I wonder how Lenny is
getting
on ? He's the musical one amongst us, he's almost got a job
too.
MICHAEL WALKS THROUGH THE EMPTY STREETS TILL HE COMES TO A
GIANT
SUBWAY WITH THREE NIGHTCLUBS AND A FIVE STAR HOTEL ON EACH OF
ITS
CORNERS.IN THE UNDERPASS WE SEE LENNY , ANOTHER TRAMP WHO IS
PLAY
ING THE MOUTH ORGAN , HE HAS ONE BLACK EYE
Michael:Lenny makes a few pounds by entertaining people .He's got
what you
might call a regular income.He can afford to stay in the
better
hostels and all the time.Some of us sleep rough a few nights
to
save money , we don't like all the questions you get.The mean
well
the Sally Army and the like but they can be nosey.We just
want to
forget ,we don't want old memories brought back to life to
haunt
us.
YOUNG PEOPLE PASS LENNY AND THROW HIM A FEW COINS AS MICHAEL
WATCHES.THE HOTDOG MAN ARRIVES AS HE SETS UP ,HE NODS TO
LENNY
Michael:Lenny plays most of the night here , half pissed kids throw
him
50ps in mistake for 10ps.Lenny can afford to buy a hamburger
then
instead of scrounging a cold one off the hotdog man.It's hard
work
for Lenny as sometimes the kids try to beat him up for fun
when
the night club closes.Nobody helps him then , not even the
hot dog
man.They treat us like anaimals those kids , a few drinks in
them
and they think they are gods.I wonder what type of home they
come
from.Anybody can be a tramp ,we are all somebody's brother or
dad
or sister , but to drunken kids we are just targets _
nobodies.
To judge by the looks we get we are dogshit on your shoe.
MICHAEL WIPES HIS NOSE ON HIS SLEEVE THEN HE REDOES THE PINS
HOLDING THE SLEEVE ON , LENNY IS PLAYING STREETS ON LONDON
IN
THE BACKGROUND.
*****NOTE. THAT'S THE ONLY TIME WE HEAR THAT SONG -ITS TOO
OBVIOUS TO
USE IT AD INFINITEM , I'D PREFER CLASSICAL MOOD MUSIC
THROUGOUT
Michael:As for how LENNY became a tramp....
FADEOUT ON LENNY PLAYING , THEN WE SEE HIM ALL SMART IN A JAZZ
BAND
Michael:Lenny played the trumpet ,he once told me he played with
George
Melley , however George Melly is.Lenny tasted the high
life.Lenny
worked odd hours then , same as now, but not in subways.His
name
was "Lenny the Lip" , both for his trumpet playimg and for
his
remarks.
WE SEE LENNY ARGUING WITH ONE OF THE AUDIENCE , THEN THE ONE
HE
IS ARGUING WITH GETS UP AND RAMS THE TRUMPET DOWN LENNY'S
THROAT
BUSTING HIS LIP , BLOOD IS EVERY WHERE. MICHAEL COMMENTS
Michael:One night Lenny went too far , he told a drunk to shut up and
the
management did , but Lenny would not let it drop.He asked the
man to come up and play if he thought he could do better.
There was a fight then Lenny's lip was bust.
FADEOUT ON LENNY BEING CARRIED OFF . HIS LIP A MESS
Michael:So Lenny could not play any more as a lot of lip pressure is
needed to play the trumpet.He was lucky though ,he could play
the piano , as like all muscians he knew two instruments.So
he
ended up playing in pubs and for the Darby and Jones clubs.
WE SEE MICHAEL STANDING OUTSIDE A PUB , A MAN GOES INTO IT ,
WE
TRACT WITH THE MAN INTO THE PUB , WE SEE LENNY COME FROM
BEHIND
THE BAR A PINT IN ONE HAND A TRUMPET CASE IN ANOTHER.SEVERAL
PEOPLE COMMENT "IS THE PIANO IN THE CASE" , TO MUCH LAUGHTER.
LENNY SMILES BUT THERE IS PAIN IN HIS EYES.HE CAREFULLY PUTS
THE CASE BEHIND THE PIANO THEN HE STARTS TO PLAY.ROLL OUT THE
BARREL
Michael:It wasn't too bad , but for Lenny it was terrible , he was no
longer" Lenny the Lip" , the top of his tree.He was just a
pub
pianist , and not a very good one at that - by his standards.
Every night when he finished Lenny would open case and let
rip
with a blast from his trumpet.but after a minute his lip hurt
too much so he had to stop.Then he'd put the trumpet away
then
he'd leave.
WE SEE LENNY LETTING RIP AS THE GLASSES ARE BEING PUT AWAY
THE LANDLORD SAYS TO HIS WIFE " R.I.P. THE LIP " AS LENNY PUTS
HIS CASE AWAY. AND " HE WAS REALLY GOOD WHEN HE PLAYED WITH
MELLEY"
Michael:Lenny's heart was broken.Jazz had been his life , now he
was a pub entertainer.(PUB ENTERTAINER IS PRONOUNCED AS A
SWEAR)
WE SEE MICHAEL COUGH AND SPIT BEFORE HE CONTINUES
Michael:So naturally he drownd his sorrows , too much in fact, but
he had good reason - his heart was broken
WE THEN SEE LENNY PLAYING AND FALLING OFF THE STOOL
DRUNK, THEN BEING FIRED , HIS TRUMPET THROW OUT THE PUB AFTER
HIM
IT BOUNCES INTO THE ROAD.A PASSING LORRY CRUSHES IT.SO LENNY
TAKES THE SHATTERED TRUMPET AND CRADLES IT IN HIS ARMS AS HE
SITS ON THE PAVEMENT CRYING.
Michael:So with that his career as a pub entertainer was over , he
went downhill from there.He did have a ladder up after the
snake of life had left him with his crushed trumpet.
WE NOW SEE LENNY IN A TRAMP LIKE STATE LOOKING IN THE
GUTTER OUTSIDE THE SCHOOL OF MUSIC.HE FINDS A MOUTH
ORGAN.
Michael:With the mouth organ he started a new career , as street
entertainer.(PRONOUNCED AS A SWEAR)
WE SEE LENNY PLAYING THE MOUTH ORGAN IN THE UNDERPASS
Michael:Sometimes the sparkle comes back into Lenny's eye but
he'll nver be" Lenny the Lip" again.So next time you're on
your way home to a dry bed spare a though for us.
AS MICHAEL SHAMBLES AWAY , WE SEE LENNY PLAYING FOR DEAR
LIFE , A YOUTH IS PRETENDING HE'LL PUT A FIVER IN .
Michael:I'll be on my way home now.I've a nice dry spot in an old
warehouse.It might be my last night there, they're
building a new convention center nearby so I'll have to move
on.
I've a chance for some casual work soon too (PRIDE IN HIS
VOICE) a priest said he knows a man who wants some work
done in his garden.I used to be a gardener before , a very
good gardener too , better than those you see on
telly,Percy Thrower God Rest him , used to be a friend , but
that
was long ago before.If only I had a chance I'd show em.I'd
be a TV gardener and I'd be in those high building looking
down, they'd hold the door open for me not kick my arse
and say "HOP IT YOU TRAMP".
HE SIGHS LONG AND HARD THEN SPLUTTERS A LOT
WE SEE HIM APPROACH AN ENORMOUS BUILDING SITE.THERE ARE
ARCH LIGHTS THE WORK IS NON STOP
Michael:They never stop , "progress"(PRONOUNCED AS A SWEAR) they
call it.I hope I can get my bits and pieces out before
they knock my home.
IN THE DISTANCE WE CAN SEE A REALLY DECREPID WAREHOUSE ,
AND THERE ARE CRANES EVERYWHERE
Michael:It looks as if they've started already.No consideration.
The woods being burnt too.Hang on there's an ambulance
there , somebody must be hurt.Serves them right for
knocking my home .I'll go a bit nearer and look.
WE SEE MICHAEL MOVE FORWARD , THERE IS A CLUSTER OF
WORKERS IN HARD HATS , THE POLICE ARE HOLDING THEM BACK.
ONE WORKER GIVES MICHAEL A GLANCE BEFORE LOOKING BACK AT
THE UNFOLDING DRAMA
Michael:The ambulance men are carrying a stretcher , the man must
be dead his face is covered.
THE WORKERS EDGE FORWARD THE POLICE WAVE THEM BACK , WE
SEE MICHAEL'S ELBOW PULLED BACK. HE STILL LOOKS ON BUT
SAYS
MichaeL:Hang on , leave me alone , you police always move me on.
ANOTHER TUG AT HIS ELBOW , A GUST OF WIND BLOWS THE
BLANKET FROM THE BODY'S FACE. WE SEE THE DEAD MAN'S FACE
Michael:He looks familiar , it's too far to tell
ANOTHER TUG AT HIS ELBOW , MICHAEL TURNS AROUND.WE SEE
HIS FACE , IT IS THE SAME AS THE DEAD MANS
Michael:I know you , your Mrs Hastings , but you cann't be , you
are dead.
MRS HASTINGS SMILES
Michael:What's going on.
MICHAEL LOOKS BACK TO THE BODY , HE SEE'S THE FACE , WE
SEE A STUNNED EXPRESSION ON HIS FACE
Michael:But , but , that's.....
WE THEN HAVE A PANNED OUT VIEW OF THE BODY (MICHAEL)
BEING LOADED ONTO THE AMBULANCE , THE FACE IS COVERED
BY A
POLICEMAN.THE CAMERA PULLS BACK AND LOOKS DOWN , FROM A
HIGH BUILDING AT THE SCENE , ALL IN ONE SHOT.A WORKER
TURNS AND WONDERS "WHERE DID THE OTHER TRAMP GO"
LOTS OF WHITE LIGHT AND A CHOIR SINGING
The End
Contact M G Casey 10 Reginald Rd Bearwood Warley B67 5AQ
Phone 021 429 8576 evenings best
NOTE In staging this it will be similiar to A Xmas Carol
with the "Ghost" sometimes in view but in the main
just voicing over.Michael will have to have a
really good voice ,like Burton , the director will
have fun with this , I think it offers scope.
This will be called "political" but I've just
written it from a tramps viewpoint, when I wrote
the short stort about nine months ago it was as an
exercise to write something different from my
drama short about a computer programmmer.
I am still trying everything to see what I like
and what I am good at.
If you don't like this , then give me a name of
your "worst enemy" then I'll try them.
Thanks for your attention
Michael Gerard Casey
Michael Gerard Casey 10 Reginald Rd , Bearwood , Warley B67 5AQ
Tramps ©
(Stage Version)
by
Michael Casey
The stage , in one corner a bench , in another a signpost and a
phonebox.
A doorway of a bank in another , a cafe in the fourth corner.The
scene
opens with the shadow of stained glass window in the centre , church
music
in the background.The rest of the stage is dimly lit.As the spotlight
is
raised on the "church" we see a priest arguing with a tramp.The tramp
is
very badly dressed even for a tramp.He has a cargigan on , with
buttons
done up wrongly , a jacket dirty and one pocket falling off , he has
an
overcoat as well , one arm of which is held om with safety pins.He is
wearing trousers with the flies undone , dirty underwear pokes
through.On
his feet are dirty trainers , the sole of one coming off , so it
flaps as
he walks.The priest is a bit effeminate.
Priest:Go , I gave you two pounds already .
Tramp :I'm saying my prayers .
Priest:You say that at all the churches .
Tramp :I'm very religious .
Priest:Be off with you , you are frightening all my flock .
Tramp :I'm hungry .
Priest:I gave you a bottle of milk and a big sandwich .
Tramp :That was before the first service .
Priest:Be off with you , shoo .
Tramp :I'm not a bleeding cat .
Priest:Well just go away , you smell , my flock don't like it .
Tramp :You sound like a bleeding shepherd , where's your dog ?
The tramp looks around and whistles.
Priest:Will you just go !
The priest stamps his foot and points .
Tramp:I was going anyway .
The tramp shuffles off , the priest puts his hands together then puts
on
his best angelic face before disappearing into the shadows . The
church
music raises for a moment then falls away . The tramp looks back at
him .
Tramp:Bleeding poof , all rosary beeds and no balls.
The tramp adds a V sign for good measure.He rattles two pound coins
in his
hand before putting them into his pocket .
Tramp:He calls himself a Christian , he treats me like a leper
.Unclean
unclean.
The tramp sniffs under his arms , then scratches his bum .
Tramp:I had a bath two months ago , the Sally Army insisted in fact .
The Tramp goes towards the audience (WE COULD ACTUALLY MAKE HIM
SMELL) .
He sniffs under his other arm.
Tramp:Better than the countyside . Here what do you think ?
At this point he lunges towards the audince , (WE COULD USE A
"PLANT").
Tramp:Too much water is back for you , it washes all the good out of
you.
The tramp fiddles with the safety pins on his coat .Then reaches for
a rag
in a pocket so he can wipe his nose . The rag is disgusting , he
drops it
when he's finished rubbing his nose , then walks a few paces before
coming
back for it .
Tramp:I don't want to loose you , do I .
The tramp then clears his throat and spits (Black Country fashion) .
Tramp:I've caught a cold . It's all these priests kicking me out of
their
churches as soon as they spot me.
The tramp comes to the bench with a bin by it . He sits down .
Tramp:Priests , what a bunch prats , all holy water and "hellos" ,
but
not to me . It's "On your Bike" , or "Here's a quid now get
lost my
ladies are coming " .
The tramp spits again.
Tramp:Not that I'm saying they'll all bad , just some of them , well
that
one anyway , he's a shit . He's all "Love thy neighbour" but
when I
turn up what does he do . He tells me to go , doesn't he . No
"Sit
at my table , brother " . He knows nothing he's so young , he
looks
as if his barely left his mother's nipple .
The tramp sucks his thumb mockingly.
Tramp:The old priests and vicars treat you better . I once did very
well.
The tramp leans back on the bench and settles to tell his story .
Tramp:I got locked in a church the once . I had found a warm place in
an
old confessional , on the priests side , there was an electric
fire
in there and a packet of biscuits . So I ate the biscuits and I
must
have fallen asleep . In the morning the priest found me , he
did not
say a word only he led me into the kitchen and gave me his own
breakfast . He acted as waiter in fact and said "I hope
everything
is to Sir's satisfaction" , the difference was he gave me a tip
when
I'd finished .That's how priests should be , like that one ,
Fr.Shaw
he said he was from Kerry - I think that's near Newcastle .
The tramp coughs then spits again . A mother with a pram stops and
sits
down on the same bench on the extreme end , away from the tramp.The
tramp
looks at her.
Tramp:Lets have a look at the baby , is it a girl , I like girls .
The tramp gets up and leans on the pram to look in , the baby cries ,
the
woman jumps up then hurries away with the pram .
He scatches his bum again , then reaches in his pocket for half a
sandwich
and finishes it .
Tramp:What's the matter with her , I like children I wouldn't do it
any
harm.
The tramp sighs , then moves to the bin .
Tramp:Lets's see what's in my larder.
He empties the bin . One of the disgarded items is a newspaper with
the
headline "Mother Theresa Urges Magie to Act" and a photo.The tramp
finds
a half eaten cake and a half full can of coke . He moves towards the
audience .
Tramp:Do you want some ? Well you cann't have any its mine , bugger
off .
He laughs at his own joke .
Tramp:The things people throw away you'd be surprized .
He has his "feast" .
Tramp:I once got a wedding cake , there was a girl crying next to the
bin
she cried even more when I took it out . I wonder why ?
He picks his nose and eats it .
Tramp:There's salt in it .
Then he washes it down with a swig of coke , before beltching
loudly .
Tramp:I got this coat in a bin , good isn't it .
He moves towards the audience and puts on his best "catwalk" walk ,
gives
a twirl before sitting down .
Tramp:I was beaten up by some kids that's how the arm got torn . Kids
more
like animals , they get pissed on a weekend then think its fun
to
attack us . I got one of them though , I kicked him right in
the
bollocks , His mates really belted me for that , but what was I
supposed to do ? Sit there and say thankyou . The police found
me
and sent for an ambulance . At the hospital they patched me up
then
kicked me out . They said I smelt too much .
He sniffs under his arms again.
Tramp:I better make a move , I usually get a bite at Tim's cafe .
He moves around the stage a few times till the spot picks out the
cafe .
He gets a tea and a pie , a nod of recognition from the cafe man .
The
cafe is shabby , lorry drivers and all night taxi people use it .
Four drivers come in and sit at the other table.
Driver 1:What a stink .
Driver 2:I can smell it too .
Driver 3:It's Fred's aftershave .
Driver 4:Bollocks !
Driver 3:So that's what it is .
Driver 4:It's that bleeder over there .
Driver 1:He shouldn't be allowed in here .
Driver 3:They let Fred in .
Driver 4:Can you give me a break .
Driver 3:Which leg do you want me to drive over .
Driver 4:Ha , bleeding ha .
Driver 2:It's a shame really .
Driver 3:You're joking , they bring it on themselves .
Driver 4:He's right there , he could at least tidy himself up .
The drivers look at him .
Driver 2:The poor bastard .
Driver 3:The idle bastard more like .
Driver 4:What he needs is a bath .
Driver 1:And a shave .
Driver 3:Don't give him any of Fred's aftershave for God's sake .
Driver 4:I think I'll go and let the tires down on your lorry .
Driver 4 gets up and walks away .
Driver 3:I better follow him , he did it the other week .
Driver 3 gets up and chases after driver 4 , the other two laugh .
Driver2
stops at the tramps table and puts a quid on it before leaving
.Driver 3
comes back in.
Driver 3:Ken , can I use your phone , Fred's gone and let my tyre's
down.
The tramp smiles when he hears this , the driver sees him so he picks
up
the quid off the table .
Driver 3:George is always giving you money , well I need it more than
you
The tramp gets up to protest .
Driver 3:What you going to do , fight me ?
Cafe man:Give him back his money .
Driver 3:Why should I ?
The cafe man glares.So the driver throws it out of the cafe the
tramp
follows the money out . The cafe dims behind the tramp as he picks up
the
money.
Tramp:I have to put up with that from shits like him , people think
they
can bully me just because I'm down on my luck . The cafe man is
a
good un , he lets me have the leftovers , and he only charges
50p .
He's so much better than smartarses like the driver .
The tramp shuffles on stopping to spit twice , then coming to the
bench he
sits down.
Tramp:People don't care about us , they rush by when they see us or
turn
the other way .
A man in a business suit stops by the bench to do up his shoe lace ,
the
tramp gets up and shuffles over hoping to get something . The tramp
stands
behind the business man . As the man does up his shoe the tramp
mimics him
The tramp has to stop suddenly when the man finishes . Then he half
raises
his hand to beg for money , the business man dusts himself off before
giving
a look of disgust then looks at his Rolex before going away. The
tramp
then raises his hand fully in a V sign . Meanwhile the business man
has
stept into some dog mess . The business man cries "Shit oh , Shit
" .
The business man hobbles off shaking his foot .The tramp sits down
again .
Tramp:Serves the bastard right , wouldn't even give me a few bob .
He's
the kind that think I make oe30 a day begging . oe30 my arse ,
more
like oe3 . And that'll only buy one meal , the prices thay
charge in
town , its robbery . And I've been robbed too . Some junkie
stole
my savings when I was in a hostel , the bastard . So I didn't
have
the price for a bedsit then I ended up like this .
The tramp wheezes then spits .
Tramp:This weather is bad for me , I cann't stand the cold . I used
to be
a gardener in a heated glasshouse .
He smile as he remembers his better days , he gets up as if in a
dream he
walks around his imaginary greenhouse .
Tramp:Hello tulips , hello sweet pea , hello roses , hello cabbage
you're
looking a little dry , shall I give you some water ?
He picks up an imaginary watering can and waters here and there , he
is
smiling .
Tramp:Yes I love you , my friends so nice and colourful and sweet
smelling
I was sweet smelling then too .
His face changes now he realises his hands are holding a watering can
that
is no more , nor ever more shall be . He drops his hand , with one he
rubs
his eyes , but tears don't come, he is past tears . He brings out his
rag
with the other hand , he blows his nose hard . There is a large hole
in
the rag .
Tramp:It's no use thinking of the past , I'm here now .
Slowly he goes back to his bench then sits down at one end . A couple
come
by and sit at the other end , eying the tramp with unease .
Boy :But we should buy a car .
Girl:No , that money is for a house .
Boy :But if I get a car I can get a better job and that means more
money
for a bigger house and for carpets and things .
Girl:But what if I'm pregnant ?
Boy :But you said you were on the pill .
The boy is shocked and indignant .
Girl:It takes two you know , why didn't you do something about it .
Boy :But its up to the girl .
Girl:Typical . Sometimes I think you men still live in the Stone
Age . You
would soon change your tune if you had babies . If you got
morning
sickness and put on a few stones .
Boy :Don't be daft .
Girl:It's you who's daft , you just don't care , you're only
interested in
yourself . That tramp cares more for me than you do .
The girl points at the tramp then runs off crying , the boy chases
after
her , with cries of "I'm sorry , we won't buy a car with your
mother's
money " and "Are you pregnant , go on tell me " echoing till they
disappear .
Tramp:Kid's they're barely out of nappies and now his girl is up the
spout
The tramp picks his nose then flicks it .
Tramp:That was a good bogey , where's my handkerchief .
He finds his rag then daps his nose .
Tramp:In a way life is like this hanky - all crumpled and full of
snot .
He laughs at his own joke before changing his position on the bench
and
continuing , looking at his rag as he speaks .
Tramp:Life is full of corners and disasters , its never as you plan .
You
survive the crumples and think your clever , then wham you end
up in
the snot .
He takes aim then throws his rag in the bin
Tramp:I might find another one tomorrow , that one was good , I had
it
four months. It dropped out of a gents pocket , I picked it up
and
held it out so he could take it back , he just walked away . So
I
kept it . There was some lipstick on the corner of it but I
didn't
mind , I used to image what type of girl it came from . Fat ,
thin ,
ugly or nice , his wife , his mistress or perhaps his mother .
Then
I used to image them kissing me , only it faded away after a
month
or so .
The couple reappear still arguing before exiting again .
Tramp:I wish I had their problems , they don't know how lucky they
are.Its
nice to be close , to have family , friends and "lovers" . I
used to
be a family man , but that was before . I used to be quite a
looker
in my youth . People said I could have been a film star with
my
looks , a Clark Gable or a Sean Connery or even a Harrison Ford
.
The tramp brushes back his hair and dabs his eyebrows . Then he jumps
up
and confronts the audience.
Tramp:I was ! The girls all chased me , I was known as a fancy
dresser ,
heads turned when I entered a room , women used to throw
themselves
at me . I used to jive real good too . The twist was my
speciality .
The tramp does a few steps then stiffens up before heading back to
his
bench .
Tramp:Yes that was before .
He looks into space a small smile on his face .
Tramp:That was when I was young , when I was loved , when people knew
my
name , when people were pleased to know me . And now ?
He jumps up off his bench and takes a few steps towards the
audience .
Tramp:Do you know my name , well do you ?
He looks accusingly at the audience , he gives piercing looks at them
,
making them each feel unfortable.Then he moves back to his bench and
sits.
Tramp:No of course you don't , you only came in to shelter from the
rain .
Why should you want to know me . An untidy smelly man , a
walking
scarecrow , even dogs won't lick my hand - so why should any
of you
want to shake it . People used to rush to greet me , "I've
ordered
you a pint" they'd say . And "Have a cigar " , yes I was
somebody
once - people knew my name . That was before , all it took was
a bit
of bad luck , then another bit , till I kept on sliding down
the
snake of life , only in life you cann't role a six to get a
ladder
back up again . There's nobody there to help you once you are
in the
pit . I used to have nice things like you .
He gets up again and stands toe to toe with the audience.He eyes them
and
speaks with sarcasm .
Tramp:Nice watch you've got there . A nice dress , an expensive pair
of
jeans , a lovly pair of shoes - real leather no doubt . A nice
top
too , I can see your belly buttom it dips so low . I bet your
bra
cost more than everything I've got , or "Sir's" tie cost more .
Is
Paisley back in fashion ? Well I've got one too !
He rummages in his pocket and brings out a moth eaten Paisley tie
then
with a flourish he puts it on .
Tramp:There, I'm as good as you . I bet I could even steal your girl
too!
The tramp puts his best "come to bed " look on and leers at one woman
.
He is crestfallen again and goes back to his bench.He plays with the
tie .
Tramp:What's that smell ? Its coming from the tie .
He sniffs the tie then licks it , it is jam on it .
Tramp:It's only jam . But if its jam , then there most be something
else
He searches the pocket where the tie was then pulls out a piece of
toast
with jam on . then with realish he eats it .He glares back at the
audience . He turns his back on them as he eats .
Tramp:I know what you're thinking , well you cann't have any , you
didn't
say how much you liked my tie so sod off I'm having it all .
Besides
there's barely enough for me .
He uses the tie as a serviette to wipe his mouth then rearranges his
tie .
Tramp:I used to go to restaurants quite regular , and I don't mean
curry
houses either . I used to go with my wife and the kids . You
didn't
think I had any did you ? Well I did .
He coughs then spits over the back of the bench .
Tramp:We were a happy family , we even went to church quite often .
How
many of you do that ? You only go for a few months so you can
have
your "white weddings" , but you slip up even then and the bride
is
in the club when she has her "white wedding" .
He gets up and pushes his stomach out as he waddles up the imaginary
isle
hands on stomach , and humming the wedding march . Then he sits down
again
Tramp:Then after the "white wedding" , its "piss off" preacher and
you go
back to being "Stars on Sunday" christians . When you get old
and
wringled though you start paying into your "insurance policy"
and
the vicar sees you for the first time in 30 years , save for
the
odd christening or two .
He waves his finger accusingly at them .
Tramp:I even took the mother in law to the restaurant with us , twice
a
month we'd go . It was a real family occasion . We had lots to
eat
and drink aand had lots of laughs .
He shakes his head with longing for the happy days .
Tramp:Now my mother in law won't even recognise me , and if she did
she'd
cross the street to avoid me . And so do you ! Think I'm too
stupid
to notice don't you .
He points accusingly at the audience .
Tramp:I see you crossing the street , afraid to be near me , think
I'm a
leper or I've got this Aids cold or something . Perhaps I
have .
He coughs and spit violently again , then has a fit of coughing with
spit
hanging from his mouth . He daps his mouth with his tie .
Tramp:Hey you sexy , showing your belly button do you fancy me now ?
He wheezes again , puts his head between his legs and coughs . He
sits
upright again .
Tramp:Well your boyfriend will be just like me , give it time , say
50 yrs
You'll all be like me , so don't mock me . It's living the way
I do
that speeds things up . Look at me and you'll see yourself ,
you'll
all all get old , get shabby . You look fine now with your
hairdoes
and fine clothes , your gold watches and designer jeans . But
what
about the future . What goes up must come go down . Anyone of
you
could be like me .
He gets up and stands close to the audience .
Tramp:I could be your father , your uncle , your brother , your
husband ,
your lover , how do you treat me if I was ? Would you still
cross
the road to avoid me , or would you help me ? You disown me ,
treat
me like a convict , worse even . I'm a nobody , you don't want
to
see me , you wish I was invisible , you want me to crawl back
into
the cracks in the pavement , then you avoid stepping on the
cracks ,
as if I'm dog shit . I did the same myself when I was like
you , but
now I'm in the snot I wish I didn't . You think I'm a beggar or
a
thief , ok I don't refuse anything but what's wrong with
that ? I
need every scrap that comes my way . As for being a thief I
wish I
was at least I'd have a steady roof over my head and regular
meals ,
I heard prison was good nowdays . You know more about that than
me,
one or two of you look quite shifty , you probably stole those
nice
things you've got , how can younsters like you afford such
things .
He starts to cough again then sits down again , still wheezing . A
young
man walks by and puts some money in the tramps hand then disappears.
The
tramp finishes wheezing and watches the man go away .
Tramp:He's a good lad , he always gives me a quid , turns up from
nowhere
then disappears again . I wish there were more like him .
Instead
of those toffee nosed people in furs who leave churches in
their big
cars and give me looks of disgust , I wonder how much they
give to
their priests . I think those Indian lot are good . I once got
lost
and ended up in an Indian area , so I had a look inside their
temple
it was different from a church , there was no crucifix for
starters.
Whole families were there and it wasn't even a Sunday . They
gave me
lots of sweet tea and a big meal , they were very generous , I
didn't
have the heart to tell them I didn't really like curry , so
I
only had the three portions . Now that's how I should be
treated .
He sits still for a while , then a woman approaches , she is dressed
for
her job - prostitute . He has another fit of coughing now .
Pro :Hello , how are you love ?Looking after yourself are you .I'm
really
buggered myself , I had a customer who must have weighed 17
stones.
He nearly killed me , "men on top" was all he said , he didn't
want
to talk or anything . Just get his money's worth then he left ,
I'm
sure he's broken one of the legs on the bed . I've already got
a tin
of beans holding up one corner . Talking of beans , he farted
all
the time we were at it - it must have been a nervous reaction ,
I'd
say it was his first time - that's with a professional that
is .
Tramp:I'm fine thanks for asking .
Pro :I've been rushed off my feet lately ,I think it must be the
holidays
there's a lot more trade about . As they say though - make hay
while
the sun shines . Well I cann't stay here all evening I've got
work
to do , I'm trying to make enough for my holidays . Well bye
then.
She walks away , then comes back and takes a fiver from inside her
bra
and puts it in the tramps hand.Then she kisses him on the cheek.
Pro :You always bring me luck , bye then .
Tramp:Thanks.
He watches her walk away , then looks at the money in his hand.
Tramp:How many of you young uns would give me a fiver ?
He holds his hand aloft . Then brings his hand down in one motion to
give
the audience a V sign .
Tramp:None of you . She gave me this , her .
He gestures after her .
Tramp:She's a nice girl . You'd call her a tart , a slag , a
prostitute or
a whore . Or a woman of easy virtue if you want to be sarcastic
, a
Noleen No Knickers . Well I'd call her a friend , a help , a
kind
soul - somebody who CARES . She may not look much , but you
cann't
tell by looks . She's not got a nice hairdo , her makeup is
smudged
her stockings are laddered , so would yours be if you took them
off
up to ten times a night if trade is good .
He looks at the audience scanning their faces .
Tramp:How can she do it you say , well so would you if you had to .
What
else can she do , let her children starve ? Yes , she has
children
I've seen her in the park with them when she's not working ,
they
are happy kids so full of life . I don't even remember what
mine
look like , but they wouldn't want to know me now . I only hit
them
a few times , not even hard , but that was too much for their
mother
So I ended up on the street , I only hit them because I was at
home
all the time after I lost my job . You'd have done the same .
He scans the audience again .
Tramp:Think you wouldn't don't you ? You think it serves me right the
way
I am now , its what a child beater deserves . It's good enough
for
a wife beater too , I only hit her the once to stop her nagging
,she
kept on nagging "get a job , get a job" , only you're on the
scrapheap
when you're 45 nowadays . Yes I know I look much older but
you
live the way I do then you'd soon look older . I've got no
wrinkle
cream nor hand cream , no lotions and potions ,no skin care
products
nor face massage machines . I've got no built in wardrobe to
hang
all my changes of clothes on . My wardrobe is my back , or a
wire
hanger hanging on a street sign if I'm lucky .
He looks at the fiver in his hand again .
Tramp:She's a good girl , she always has something for me . She must
be
a very good girl to afford this .
He flourishes the fiver and laughs like a drain .
Tramp:She isn't all bad , she's only doing what any mother would do
for
her children's sake . Sure she has swallowed her pride but its
food
you live on , not pride . What use is your pride you cann't
eat it.
At least she's doing something , she loves her children so she
does
her best for them in the only "situation Vacant" there is for
the
likes of her . Talk and having morals are of no use if your
kids
don't eat , don't have any toys to play with .
There is a flash of lightning and a rumble of distant thunder , it
makes
the tramp jump .
Tramp:I better find my bed for the night .
The tramp gets up and makes a few circuits of the stage before
stopping by
the bank.In the doorway are a courting couple .
Tramp:I've slept in that doorway many a night , no girl to keep my
spirits
up either .
He laughs like a drain again .
Tramp:The step is cold but the heat from the central heating inside
does
keep you warm . Those kids don't need it though , they look hot
enough already , they'll get arrested if they carry on so .
He laughs like a drain again , then has another coughing fit , he
spits
then wipes his mouth on his sleeve .
Tramp:I think I'll go home then before this rain starts .
There is another flash and a distant rumble , he makes a few circuits
of
the stage talking as he shuffles along.
Tramp:I sleep in the hostels when I have the money , but I don't like
them
the wardens ask too many questions . They are nosey ,wanting to
know
all your business , to know your past , all I want to do is
forget
the past . I've found a few good spots in my time , once I got
into
one of the office blocks . On the ground floor by the lifts I
found
boxes of paper , it said it was computer paper , all I know was
it
made a good bed , I used the doormat as a blanket . I was soon
fast
asleep , but in the middle of the night one of the computer
workers
came looking for his paper and he found me . The bastard threw
me
out , so I hate computers too - he did give me a quid for some
chips
though . But he's still a bastard !
The tramp stops walking he is now by the phonebox and the signpost
,clubs
and theatres are indicated on it . There is another tramp busking , a
few
people are listening , they are dressed for a night out.
Tramp:He's good , he makes a few quid , HE can afford the hostels all
the
time . He hasn't got his begging bowl out yet . I better help
him
The tramp gets out a carrier bag from his pocket and starts
collecting
from the people around the busker .
Tramp:Keep playing I'll collect for you .
The tramp then approaches the audience and begs from them .
Tramp:Come on cough up you lot , you don't think they let you sit in
here
out of the rain for nothing do you ? Come on you skinflints ,
you're
as tight as a rocking horse's arse .
The tramp then shames the audience into giving a few pennies .
(NOTE:You
may have to hand out pennies before the show starts , or warn the
crowd)
Tramp:You lot are really mean .
The tramp then heads back towards the busker , he takes the majority
of
the money out of the bag and puts it in his own pocket , then drops
the
rest in the bag at the buskers feet . Then he walks away , we hear
the
busker play Streets of London . The busker is dimmed into darkness
with
his "crowd" applauding .
Tramp:I did the hard work the collecting so I get the most , besides
he
can afford it . You lot think us tramps are all like him ,
showing
"enterprize" , if only it were true .
He makes a few more circuits of the stage talking as he does so .
Tramp:I'll go home now , before I get hungry or else I won't sleep .
I've
got a nice spot in an old warehouse . I've been there for six
months
it's not much but it's home . I won't have it for long though ,
the
council's going to knock it to build a center for the blind
crippled
black lesbian friends of the earth , or something as stupid . I
may
write to them and complain , tell them I'm an endangered
species
a unique example of inner city man . They wouldn't listen so
I'll
not bother ,what do you expect from a bunch of freeloaders , a
bunch
of fat arse egotistic boastful boozers .
The tramp has another fit of coughing .
Tramp:I wish this cold would go , it'll be the death of me . Perhaps
I'll
be ok after a nights rest .
The tramp goes to the back of the stage and the lights dim on him ,
after
a few seconds we hear morning birdsong and sounds of demolition . A
man
wearing a safety helmet appears at the back of the stage , as he
walks to
center stage a stretcher bearing the body of the tramp appears .
Worker:Nobody told us he was in there , we were just loading the
rubble
into the dumper trucks when we found his body . He stinks like
hell
he must have been dead a few days .
The stretcher is place center stage , the tramps body had a gash on
the
head , in his hand he is clutching the prostitute's fiver .
The lights dim , echos of Streets of London , the spot picks out the
face
of the tramp as it dims and fades.
The End of Stage Version Of Tramps
WELL THIS IS MY 3RD BOOK, I HAVE TO FINISH WRITING MY 2ND
So altogether its
The Butcher The Baker and The Undertaker
Tears for a Butcher my 2nd book
and this one
Essays and Plays my 3rd book.
All are my copyright.
I am looking for publishers/producers and any media interest.
Contact me at michaelgcasey@hotmail.com and
michaelgcasey@gmail.com
Please put a decent subject line. Thanks.

The Flies Around our Lives

The Flies Around Our Lives ©

By

Michael Casey



Well its 3pm and the wife is out relaxing or rather having a business lunch then she’ll meet some Shanghai friends in downtown Birmingham. A busy day for her. But life is all about balance, this morning as the snow fell she was busy washing the fleas out of our cat. Obviously it was my fault because I did not get a new flea collar for the cat last time around. Even though now she has a red rubber flea collar with a bell on. The collar with the “best bitch”medal has long since gone.



So there I found the wife washing the cat in the bath, just when I wanted a pee, and I always want a pee. So I told the cat to close her eyes while I had my pee, the cat just laughed, she had seen it all before, she is a cat that goes out at night after all. Hence the fleas. So the cat was washed with my citrus shampoo, as the citrus is supposed to keep the fleas away. Perhaps a new medallion with a rude message for the fleas might work.



So I went back to bed for another hour as I’d been up much earlier, thanks to Arthur my arthritis, I think its all the cold weather bringing it on. Later on I said hello to the cat who just gave me a lion look, she’d claw my, well she’d just claw my, if I didn’t shut up. Cats don’t like being washed. As for the wife she put on her posh clothes and went away for fancy food. The snow still tumbling down, she grabbed some money from my purse, so she could buy cat flea spray from the Vet on the way to her fancy food. Yes I have a purse for coins and a wallet for notes, my dad had a purse too, which was in his pocket as he worked in the steel works. So I follow his manly tradition.



Now its later and its like steam bath in the house as we have put all the washing on the radiators to dry, yes people still do that in 2018. One daughter has come downstairs in her bright pink pyjamas that grannie sent from Shanghai, she is now feeding herself on chicken dippers by Birds Eye, a staple for the girls in our house. Its a change from all the Chinese food. The other has decided to walk in the snow to the church to do the Music Tidy, I told her not to go, but I was ignored, so I told her not to moan when she got a cold. Common Sense has to be learnt the hard way. I was lucky I watched all our  lodgers 50 years ago, and learnt many things.



The cat had been hiding behind the settee next to the radiator but she has since slipped up the stairs to hide in one of the bedrooms. Everything in its place, and a place for everything. If only I could put my Arthritis in the bin, that would be the perfect place for it. My mug is the computer desk to my left, to the left as the right side has the computer tower and to avoid potential mishaps the left is the safe side. The printer by my feet is covered in protective paper just in case of those coffee spills, and thank God for that. So everything is in its place.



When I’ve finished talking to you this piece will find its place on my sites https://butcherbakerundertaker.blogspot.co.uk/   and

https://michaelgcaseyfrombirminghamengland.wordpress.com/  and it’ll be backed up and secured too. So my words have their place in cyberspace and on my PC and security. I’m tidy and methodical, and you need to be, especially in a busy household or things disappear, such as girls’ leggings. My wife and my smallest daughter are the same size and my eldest daughter is a bigger size, but with leggings one size fits all. So yesterday we had the Pantomime of where are my leggings. After much name calling we found them. They had been left on the outside washing line when we’d been in a hurry to bring the washing in. And no I had not been wearing them, women’s silk stockings yes and high heels I will wear, in my private moments, you have all seen De Niro in Stardust. There is a time and a place for everything.



I may pop out to the shops if the snow melts, depending on how my Arthur feels. It is like having an unwanted invisible friend having arthritis. Either way its quiet with the wife out of the house, she’ll no doubt reappear telling us all what great food she had twice. I’ll say any doggy bag? And she’ll reply I’m too fat already, being 3 times her weight literally means that’s her permanent put-down. I say think of my life insurance, so she smiles before changing back into her farmer clothes. Pyjamas with a National Geographic fleece on top, makeup is removed too so she then looks 17.



So that’s a look at life with the Shanghai/Birmingham Caseys, Tororo our cat will reappear later looking for love and snacks. We have to put her collar back on, without the bell she could be an assassin or a Ninja cat. But most of all there are no fleas on her. And even if there were my wife would never let me eat them, as I’m too fat already.

that's your lot now please go buy some books, I dare you, I double dare you....

Michael Casey the fat silver haired writer in shades from Birmingham England , there can only be one, just like in Highlander...


where my mum was born.

and below where I'd like to live IF I sold books or  IF i won the Lottery
it's on still on sale at rightmove.co.uk B17 area, it used to be a seniors home.

Fill in E784/52 and your new spouse will be ready(c)

Fill in E784/52 and your new spouse will be ready(c)

 by

Michael Casey

I saw somewhere that the Government would be involved with marriage. So that set me thinking.

Fill in form  E784/52 and your new spouse will be ready.

Just as stupid as a census form would be the Government provided spouse, all you do is fill in the form.

You fill in sections stating what kind of sex life is required, variety and kind and frequency.

You fill in sections stating what kind of faith is required, though nowadays “None” would be the most common.

Sections for what kind of intellect required.

What kind of hair colour, and type, soft or shiny.

Height requirements would be catered for too.

Tall dark and handsome, or very curvy with a twinkle in their eyes. Eye colour would also be on the list.

The form would go on for three pages and has to be filled out in triplicate. Native language requirements or preferences would also be listed.

It could take hours to fill in the form, but once completed, the Government guarantees perfection and a till death do you part guarantee.

With the government in charge of our mating, nothing can go wrong. Only on the way down in the lift its love at first sight as you see somebody for the first time. Can it be true can it be really true. You were made for me and I was made for you.

 ******

from 2011

or

your mother can die 22 years ago this month, your father nearly dies 8 bare weeks later in the same marriage bed,but survives when his son  does cpr, spends 12 weeks in hospital after been given just a week to live, then goes to live in a seniors home. You visit him every single day for 3 years, then you fall in love with the girl cleaning your dad's room. This is my way, read Padre Pio and Me on internet.

A Korean Christmas Carol ©

A Korean Christmas Carol ©

By 

Michael Casey

Vincent was a little child in Seoul, he had been learning English at school, so the teacher decided to read a Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens to the class as Christmas was approaching. The teacher Mr Michael confessed that he had listened to it on the radio after Midnight Mass at Saint Patricks after he’d thrown snowballs at Danny Moylan. And there was another Vincent there who defended himself with his umbrella. Vincent  laughed at the mention of his name.

So Vincent  fell asleep with the Tale fresh in his head. But Vincent was worried because they had a noisy neighbour called Kim who was always letting off fireworks, one had even smashed their bedroom window. As Vincent drifted off to sleep the world news with Douglas Stewart reporting was on the BBC world service, A Christmas Carol was going to be next but Vincent fell asleep as it began.

The Ghost of Christmas past came first, this was a beautiful Korean girl smiling and singing Kpop songs. Vincent smiled in his sleep. Korea was one big happy family then. Just singing and nice dancing, no marching, just laughter, real laughter and nobody carrying notebooks in their hand.

Vincent was so happy he even chuckled in his sleep. Mr Michael his teacher was right Charles Dickens was the BEST. Well in the English language anyway. Then clouds appeared and walls and noise and stamping and unfriendly fireworks appeared. Half the land sung Kpop the other half, just marched like robots with a smile that was fixed with fear hidden in their eyes. Half had technology  and lights, the other half had no roads, no street lights just dim dim dark life.

One half had food galore and had the Korean Dream and Samsung really was king, the other just seemed sad but pretended to be happy by shouting a lot. They marched a lot too,  to stay warm as their homes were so cold. Only the army mattered, not the people not the poor, not the sick, not the uneducated, not the least of Korea’s brethren. Only the army mattered. 

One half got poorer and poorer and sick and turning into skeletons and ghosts. But all the time they cheered for the Emperor in his new clothes. While the people in that half became more and more naked, building a giant Golden Ox which was the name of the nuclear missile, though some thought it was a great hotel. But really inside it was a hanger for the greatest nuclear weapon ever. And still the people in that side clapped and carried notebooks to record the Emperor’s every word. As their clothes fell off their backs and they were more and more naked.  Some even dying as they marched for their Emperor. 

Vincent started to cry in his sleep, why couldn’t the Emperor just vanish like in fairy tales. The Ghost of Christmas present was a newsreader shouting and shouting, threatening and threatening. There was no hope and love in her voice, just anger. Wasn’t Christmas supposed to be about Love and Hope and a Future. Vincent screamed and sat bolt upright in his bed he was so scared, his parents came running and comforted him. Then with his head resting on his mother’s breast he fell asleep. His mother switched off the radio, why was he listening to BBC World service, he should listen to more Kpop it was Christmas after all.

Vincent slept on the Ghost of Christmas Future appeared, it was a scruffy monk with mittens, the monk showed Korea, all Korea in ruins, mushroom clouds drifting in the sky. Seoul was in ruins, millions were dead, the North was a wasteland. The Emperor was trapped in his bunker far beneath the Subway, 100s of metres underground. But even the Emperor knew his half  was destroyed  just as much as the  other half. The food would run out and the air would run out, maybe he’d last  3 months, but then he would be entombed, just like an Egyptian King. Nobody would bother to dig him out, but at least HE had felt no pain as the entire country was vaporised.

There was a knocking at his office door, a scruffy monk in mittens  appeared, the Emperor raised his gun to shoot the monk. The monk laughed, I’m dead already, 1968 was the year I went to Heaven. As for you only Hell awaits, I’ve come to show you a vision of Hell. Vincent screamed in his sleep but his mother did not come to comfort him. Vincent watched frozen as the scruffy monk in mittens placed his hand on the Emperor’s head. The Emperor screamed and convulsed in pain, he peed his pants and poohed simultaneously, then he vomited. 

The scruffy monk, then said, that is  but a vision, this is what it really feels like, much much worse than being vaporised in a nuclear war. So the monk continued to hold his hand on the emperor’s head, in one second the Emperor felt an eternity of pain. Hell is the absence of God’s Love. The Emperor fell to his knees and begged for forgiveness, if only he could turn back the clock, if only, if only.   

Vincent woke up  sweating, he could not speak.  He grabbed his Rosary, Mr Michael had explained that the Rosary was Mary’s Nuclear weapons. And with the Rosary you could defeat the Devil himself. So Vincent said his Rosary and went to sleep happy and safe. The funny thing was that his radio was still on. The end of A Christmas Carol was being told.  Scrooge repents and leads a good life and knows how to Celebrate the Joy of Christmas.

As Vincent fell asleep a News Flash North Korean was ended all its Nuclear ambitions and Putin himself would visit on  Christmas Day to sign a deal to ship all nuclear material over the border to Russia. And how did this come about ?  The Christmas Disco in Heaven was KPop that year and the 100,000 Korean Martyrs had asked the scruffy monk to Save Korea not just for Christmas but for always.

So he really had slipped out to pay the Emperor a visit. He also visited Putin too telling him to grab his place in History before his heart attack. When Putin heard this he decided to do as the scruffy monk suggested. Though the monk did put his hand on Putin’s chest, telling him he could live till he was 100 if he retired, being President is really stressful.  The scruffy monk also paid a visit to the White House, all he said to Trump was Be Humble when Putin rings you, and then you retire immediately as after saving the world everything else is a waste of your time.

Vincent woke up and it was snowing in Seoul, church bells were ringing, Korea would be One again, as for the scruffy monk in mittens, he got back in time to hear George Michael singing the Ave Maria, Merry Christmas Korea, all and one Korea.

 *********

who knows perhaps Kim read this or did it really happen....