The Bicycle Removal Firm © from 2010 but maybe now in 2018 I'll use them

The Bicycle Removal Firm ©  

By

Michael Casey

                  

                Today's blog is inspired by what I saw through the window.

And what did I see? Well you may have all seen The Quiet Man with

John Wayne and Maureen O'Hara. In it a spare bike is “carried” by somebody already riding one. It no doubt takes great skill.

It wasn't that I saw but something much more intriguing, I say a man on a bike carrying a mirror under his arm. Not the newspaper, but a  real mirror, a 3.5foot  one under his right arm. He also had it mirror side out, so no doubt several car drivers would have been dazzled.

Later on as I sat here at the computer I saw him again, this time he had an ironing board under his arm, at least the legs weren't sticking out.  He just pedalled past. I was wondering what would happened next. I was thinking it was nearly time to collect the girls from school when he came walking past carrying a heavy bundle on his shoulder.

As we walked home I told my girls what I'd noticed, I always try and teach them to be observant, such as seeing the new trendy sign over the help the aged charity shop today. And as we walked home why the policeman had got out of the panda car near the bank, to go to the cash point and then

go to Subway for his sandwich.

 I explained to my girls  that the  man on the bike must be moving house,  but he didn't have a car so  he was DIY moving with the aid of a bike. My mother once put on all her clothes and then walked home to Cromane Kerry because she had no suitcase so she wore everything. Her mum had belted her for her stupidity, this would be in the 1930s. I encouraged my daughter to use the bike man as a  story for her next English lesson, she said it was  not her style.  Then as we closed the front door, who did we see? The man  on his bike with a mixing desk under his arm, my daughter laughed, but her  little sister had the last laugh, she'd found the chocolate biscuits.

So what can I say, I hope that if ever we move house, if ever I sell my 3 books then I hope we can at least have a van to transport our things. Or perhaps I could self upgrade from a bicycle removal service to a  bus removal service, I do have a bus pass after all.

Strange but True

We viewed a new house today.

We all liked it.

WE put an offer in for it.

On Tuesday we will know if it is ours.

It's near the house we saw a few weeks ago.

Then we went home.

We had a viewer for our own house too.

On the very same day Saint Patrick's Day.

The viewer for my house was a Stand Up Comedian.

YES REALLY.

So everybody from Ukraine to Canada and everywhere else that was reading me today.

God really does have the last laugh.

Stay happy everybody, I'll try and write a new piece in the morning.

This really has been a very strange week, even by my standards, maybe the Stand Up Comedian buys my house and I end up giving him material, or being his support act.

Michael Casey 16th march 2018

https://www.amazon.com/Michael-Casey/e/B00571G0YC

On the Phone

On the Phone ©

By

Michael Casey

I hadn’t any idea what to talk about today, then when I hung up after talking to my sister I thought why not talk about talking. Yes Folks, that’s how planned these talks are. Life can be too over planned and we all need to chat with friends and family. Though in our house tonight my wife was on the phone in English and Chinese before she had to drive the girls off to choir, then meet somebody for work talk. Tomorrow she has to work in the morning before we go as a family to view a house. Then back to our own house to sell it to somebody else. Then she has to go out again, our big daughter will be out with the Dentist as I may call him, so she can introduce the Dentist to Selfridges. Or did she say get him a Saturday job selling fridges.

This is the new normal in our house, luckily I just sit here and watch the world go by, and then tell you all about it. I am a very good talker, I hope it translates to the page in front of you all, so that’s what I’m talking to you all about today. Talking, On the Phone.

We need to share things, with our friends, with our mum, with our sister, or with Barry, don’t be shy Barry if you are reading this, all your secrets are safe. Did I tell you what Barry did, well he dressed up as a Fairy and stayed in costume all day. His sugar plums were amazing. Every hour he sat up and bowed and twirled just like a clockwork Fairy in a musical box. Everybody was amazed and took selfies and videos and uploaded to snapchat and every media you can possible imagine.

He even went out to fetch the sandwiches from that lady he was scared of. She didn’t fancy him ever again after seeing him as a Fairy, so that was a bonus for Barry. Then he came back and ate his cucumber sandwiches, which meant Michael didn’t want to kiss him ever again either. Everybody in the Office wondered what was going on, only Miss Dangly had a clue, but she just sat there all day smiling her beautiful smile. Shall I tell you why Barry who is 2 metres tall and would make a Ukrainian feel inferior in the muscles department was dressed as a Fairy.

Well there was a girl he met in the queue by the sandwich shop, she was stunning and they had been talking for weeks as they queued. Only she had a broken heart and even though Barry was the only man who could heal her broken heart, they both knew this. But she said she would never ever have a boyfriend because she did not want to be hurt again. The only man for her would have to be able to laugh at himself and prove to the world just how big a man he was.

So Barry dressed as a Fairy. Janet was the name of the girl and when she saw him in the queue for the sandwich shop she just laughed and laughed. Barry explained he’d been dressed like that all day and he’d stay dressed as a Fairy until she said she’d go on a date with him. She agreed to have a quick first date after work. They would meet outside the closed sandwich shop when the offices closed.

Now Fate always plays a part on these occasions. Barry was late as he had to do the high filing,he was tall after all. So when he arrived Janet was surrounded by 4 lads, the bad boyfriend and his mates.They were being horrid, girls will know what I mean when I say horrid and vile, go ask your girl right now if you are too stupid to understand. So the lads were being vile to Janet. Barry the good Fairy arrived. They were laughing at Janet as she cried, they laughed more when Barry the Fairy arrived.

Like I said Barry was as big as a Ukrainian, and like a Ukrainian his heart was just as big. So Barry the Fairy punched all four, just one punch each. All four fell to the floor. Janet did not like violence as her last boyfriend had beat her. But Barry was dressed like a Fairy, he was her Fairy godmother, he had saved the day. The bouncers had seen everything and threw out the 4 bad lads and banned them for life.

Barry and Janet married after 3 months, it took her 3 months to stop laughing. At the wedding the guests all came as Fairies, Barry wore a suit and Janet the kind of gown only a Fairy Godmother could provide. In fact in the bar that night a Bridal Gown shop owner had observed proceedings and had insisted he provided a gown. He was gay but his sewing partner was straight, you can read a story about them in Tears for a Butcher if this writer gets the time to write it.

So what has this got to do with on the phone. Well its the kind of story I share with my sister on the phone. You all have your own stories you share on the phone. I’ve never dressed as a Fairy myself, though I did dress up as a woman wearing my mothers dress and stockings. Then we had to stop the car on the way to use a cash point. ME standing in public dressed as a mature woman.    

From Tramp to Male Model

From Tramp to Male Model ©

By

Michael Casey

As you know I had a haircut, so now I look like a male model, I am available for bookings, so long as I can keep all the clothes. I am 5 feet 10 inches with a 46 inch chest, with a 29 inch leg. And I’m 114kilos or there abouts. I look 20 kilos lighter, as its tight fat not loose fat. Oh and I like Rayban Wayfarer sunglasses. So that’s my advert, and before I forget I like Polo stuff too. Not that I’ve bought any clothes lately, you may have noticed from the photos I attach to my writing.

So why do we attach so much to appearances? A man will be lazy and not shave so he looks like a tramp, or maybe an A lister film star, you decide for yourself. A haircut or lack of one can change your own self perception, or certainly how others see you. If you just brush your hair it does make a difference, as does brushing your eyebrows into order and facing the same direction. Dan Dan the disparate man, combed his hair with the leg of a chair and washed his face in a frying pan. Yes really it was Michael Casey, the nursery rhyme was changed, and it did not mention my trail of dandruff across the carpet.

So a bit of spit and polish does make a difference, spit can be used to tame those wild eyebrows. Though I did cut my eyebrows off, I was 4 years old and I found the scissors. Maybe that’s why they are the way they are today. Though when I was 13 I plucked my eyebrows off while I was acing backwards and forwards learning French for a test. I went to school the next day with painted on eyebrows thanks to my sister’s skills with a mascara brush. The lads never noticed, whoever on the 2^nd day with my painted on eyebrows they did. Anybody else would have been mocked, but as I was the largest lad in the year nobody dared. I said a Chemistry set had blown up in my face, and that was the end of it. In fact I had been given a Chemistry recently.

So as you can see my appearance has always been of great importance too me, and the photos bear this out. As I grew up I swapped my school uniform for another uniform, jeans and a shirt and tie. I looked like a member of Status Quo, I did listen to Caroline loads of times as I studied for my school exams. So that was my evolution.

Then when I ended up in a Hotel CPNEC Birmingham I had to wear a suit and shave for 3 years, or my approximation. My waist is large as is my derriere, just as Donald Trump’s is, that’s why he wears baggy clothes. So for 3 years I had to wear a suit and a rubbish tie, which means that nowadays I almost never wear a tie. Because of my age and silver hair a lot of people thought I was the Manager, I was 20 years older than the Front of House crew. It’s all down to the bearing and the booming voice. I should also add a Big Thank You, to Jonathan Walker my first General Manager. I wonder did he become a writer too, or open a distillery?

Clothes Maketh the Man they say and it’s true, because people react to you differently. Having a shave and a slash of deodorant does make a difference too. Unshaved I look like Lee Marvin in Paint Your Wagon, no doubt it’s on Utube. But shaved I get Sir, instead of mate or being ignored. So try it and see for yourselves. Obviously when I’m in drag every 2^nd Saturday night I get looks, lots of them due to my hairy legs and short short skirts exposing my scars, don’t be jealous Lech, Boris and Gregorgi.

I need to finish now as my friend Arthur my arthritis has been playing up while I’m talking to you. However I hope you get the picture, clothes do make a difference as does grooming. The irony is that we all dress up so well and try to look our best and why? So that we persuade the one we love to get undressed, slowly or quickly whatever way pleases us both. I am right am I? Maybe I should write about how to undress seductively, I was a female stripper once…

From Ides of March to Saint Patrick's Day

This is me holding my pot, Pot Of Shamrock.  I have more growing in the yard but the cold and snow has killed it off but it will regrow it always does.

As for the Ides of  March will Putin's cronies kill him off, so they can keep their money in London and around the world. Strange things have happened. And yes we all think the terror in Salisbury was a diversion and and aid for Putin's election campaign.

As for us,  we spotted another house today, so we'll be looking at that on Paddy's Day 17th March.

Mine is still for sale if you want to buy the former home of the writer of all these:-

https://www.amazon.com/Michael-Casey/e/B00571G0YC

A quick thank you 14 mar 2018

Its nice to see my readers worldwide reading my stuff. I still wish I had a spot in the media, your country included. Imagine my stuff in Ukrainian and Russian, not just you translating for your friends, or using Mr Google. I hope you liked tonight's piece Ken Dodd, Steve Hawking and Me. I do have a love for the surreal, it is my favourite word in fact. I did have a couple of surreal things happen on Monday night into Tuesday am, but I won't tempt Fate by mentioning them. Though it does further explain why my reality is so left of field, or rather the comedy it inspires.

Spring is coming though Winter may have one final spit at us, so I hope it improves everybody's mood the world over.

Its nice to see Indonesia and Canada dropping by  for a read and a coffee, the North and the South and the East and the West of planet earth. Look out for the Light show in tonight's atmosphere due to sun spots or something. You may just see Steve Hawking flying into the sky following ET to that spaceship, I heard he does not believe, but if you read tonight's piece you know Einstein and God have a nice surprise read for him.

So with that I'll say Good Night and don't led the bedbugs bite. And enjoy me and my new haircut.

14 mar 2018

https://www.amazon.com/Michael-Casey/e/B00571G0YC

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Michael-Casey/e/B00571G0YC