Wrapping Paper

I remembered this piece it should go well with the previous Fences Piece, have a think about both.

Wrapping Paper  (c) Oct 24, '09 8:07 AM

by Michael Casey

I was in Aldi and I spotted Winnie the Pooh wrapping paper, my smallest girl just loves all things Winnie the Pooh, so I got the paper. I wasn't sure whether to wrap her Birthday present in it or just let her have the paper. In the end I gave her the paper to play with. She was delighted, immediately she wanted to use the wrapping paper to wallpaper the walls with. As I've said before she once said she liked Winnie the Pooh because his belly reminded her of my belly. Such is a child's love, unflattering but love.

It did get me thinking though, why do we need wrapping paper? Packaging is part and parcel of ordinary life.  Easter eggs are the thing with the most packaging, so much packaging and then so little chocolate. My mother gave up on Easter Eggs because of the cost, there were so many of us Caseys after all. So we had bars of Cadburys chocolate instead, the Cadburys  factory is just a couple of miles from where I'm sitting. Easter came and we devoured the Cadburys bars, cheaper than the Easter Eggs but so very tasty.

People have wrapping paper or layers all around them,we can all remember what Donkey said to Shrek, so many layers like an onion. At the moment I'm dressing up in the wrapping paper called a "suit", so that I can get a new job. So people can see me at my best, hide my tummy and hope they forgive my premature white head of hair, as for my bushy eyebrows God alone knows what they may think. You can judge for yourselves by clicking on the photos on this site. How much do you reveal, how much do you hide as you have an unnatural experience that is called an interview. 

Perhaps interviews should take place in a coffee shop, as you may know LLoyds of London started in a London coffee shop 100s of years ago. Even better interviews could be held in a bar. You have two pints to prove your worth, so don't spill the peanuts over the interviewer's haut couture dress. Perhaps then at the 2nd interview you have to sing karoki with the 2 interviewers, and IF you can sing My Way word perfect then you get the job. It sure would be more fun.

More wrapping paper is used when we are embarrassed or too shy to explain things to our doctor, we waste 5 mins talking about the weather and the Fall leaves before we finally blurt out that its a boil on the bum or something below the waistline. And why is it that on these occasions the doctor on call is one of the opposite sex, why can't it be your usual doctor.

Wrapping paper is used an awful lot in Faith, we lie to ourselves and our God/Gods by thinking we don't have to do this or we don't have to do that. Faith can become a Buffet, we lie to ourselves and God, this bit does not matter, so we'll show God only so much of ourselves. A bit like cheating in an exam. I'm sure  God's smiling as he watches us, perhaps the Saints place bets on who will finally come clean, clean being the operative word. The Saints queue up ready to intervene, which 999 or 911 call will come though so that a Saint can be dispatched. 

I know in 1996 when my mum had died suddenly and then 8 bare weeks later my dad was given 1 week to live, we actually picked the hymns for his funeral he was so bad. Then all the layers, all the wrapping paper was off, Padre Pio came to the rescue. So that I met my wife in the old peoples' home, 3 years after my dad came back from the dead. Dad lived long enough to hold his granddaughter in his arms, 5.5 years after that massive heart attack.

The ultimate wrapping paper is love, its hard to say you love somebody when your heart has been broken so many times before. Its hard to take a chance when somebody might laugh in your face. Slowly you reveal one thing, then another, then another, yes I can see  the idea of a Monty Python joke as I write this. I do write comedy after all. But when 2 strangers become friends, when 2 become one, then all the wrapping paper is off. She may not mind your hairy back or fat stomach, he may not mind her big feet or whatever she feared. It can turn out that  what one thinks is ugly your Love may find attractive. Love is Blind after all, Love conquers All, Love is all you need. Together naked, the wrapping paper is discarded.

Fences Real and Imaginary

Fences Real and Imaginary

Fences Real and Imaginary  ©

By Michael Casey

I was having my breakfast and as I looked out the kitchen window after popping my morning heart pills I wondered what I’d write about today. I’m steaming towards that 1,000,000 words just 40,000 short according to the word count, so its a target for me and it is an achievement for me even if its just Donald Trump and Michael Moore who read my stuff at 3am in the morning. They ring each other up and after 5 mins of cursing they laugh for another 5 mins before discussing just what the hell does this Birmingham England guy mean.

So despite this surreal cartoon picture I have just given you the first example of a fence, or rather a fence being broken down. Laughter and sharing breaks down barriers, as does sharing food or having a beer, non alcoholic drinks are available. Breaking bread has been around for a long long time, and as he broke the bread they recognised him, if you remember your Sunday School, other Faiths are available.

Truces can be made, guns can be put to one side and people can play a game of football, Christmas 1914 on the Western Front, you can check the History down your local library. You may even meet your future wife down the library and change both your lives. In Its a Wonderful Life if Jimmy Stewart hadn’t been born his wife would have been an old spinster at the library. So do visit your library or visit Hudsons Book Shop in Birmingham or wherever you live.

A book breaks down barriers as it opens your mind to ideas and thoughts other than your own, it destroys fences in your mind, these are the worse fences of all, far higher than any Berlin Wall. Read a good book, or even The Good Book, other good books are available. A work of fiction can also set fire to fences and touch your very soul.

The Book Thief is the best book I’ve even read, very poetically written, if I compared my writing to his, he’s a 10 and I’m a 1. The book made me cry and I so wanted the girl to live, but you need to read the book for yourself, not watch the film, read the book.

Talking to folks opens your mind and heart too, I was lucky to stumble into hotel work because I came into contact with loads of different people, staff and our very well heeled guests. And yes the nicest people were the Coronation Street people, hard working Northerners, give us a kiss Michael and show us the photos was what one guest used to say when she passed by for the shows.

Her spirit and others guests was testament to a character that had no barriers, I may be carrying her bags and she was paying 300 a night but she behaved like I was an equal, she did not believe in any barriers just hard work, very hard work.

They say that the Worst brings out the Best in people, and so it does, it also brings out the rats who’ll steal the Relief Aid, in Africa, in the Caribbean or after a hurricane in the Deep South. When your Life has been stripped naked, when your very home has been blown away and all you have are the clothes on your back, when all the fences are down, Literally and Figuratively who are you gonna call, if the cell tower hasn’t been blown away, it won’t be ghost busters that’s for sure.

It will be your Neighbour, and who is your neighbour if you remember your Sunday School, other schools are available, and who will be the Good Samaritan who won’t pass by on the other side of the street. Your neighbour is the guy behind his 10feet fence which was blown away in the storm, he is your neighbour just as you are his. Now you will find what you both have in common as you huddled together in the basement.

You held your kids tight and you had the family photo album chained to your wrist in a briefcase. You both thought you had cash in the bag, but it was your wedding photos and photos of your deceased parents The Storm could have your house, your car and even your barn. But the Storm would never have your kids nor your family photos, and your daughter’s pet rabbit which was in the briefcase too.

Sheltering from the storm all the fences, all the barriers are down, there is only one thing left, common humanity and love for your families. So this Christmas 2016 remember a baby born in the manger where Kings and Shepherds came to pay homage, there were no Fences just Love and Hope and Peace ruled. 

the building is where my mum was born and lived in 1920s Ireland with 8 other siblings, when she was 12 the new house was built. 

me in suit 10 years ago

STYLE WARS

Style Wars ©

By Michael Casey

He don’t half swagger now that he’s top dog, and there’s such a spring in his step, the old fart. His suits must cost 2,000 each and he gets 2 extra pairs of trousers for free. Once you are a celebrity everything is free, he used to wear Foster Bros clothes just a few years ago, now  he’s on top of the world.

He’s jumping in and of beds all the time, little wonder he needs extra trousers, he must wear the zips out, and the researchers too, he just loves a blonde, male or female. I heard he is one of them, no not one of those but of one of them. You know his zip works both ways. No wonder he is always yawning on tv, perhaps he needs more iron, especially in his zips.

His hair is false too, just like his personality, they say he shares Trump’s hair person. Yes really. I can’t stand him myself, no not Trump he’s ok, but your man himself. I heard he borrows shuttlecocks from George Michael to make his packages bigger. No not his packages, but his packages, you know down there, no not Australia, but down there, no not the chip shop but down there. Yes finally the penny drops, he’s inflating his accomplishments, all his packages are blown up out of all proportion, on the screen and in his pants. And all because of George Michael’s loaning some shuttlecocks.

What do you think of my brown leather trousers? Nice, I got them for 9.99 down the market I saw that lady on tv showing hers off so I thought if they were good enough for her then they were good enough for me. She’s got nice legs I think she should wear a mini skirt split up the side, but perhaps her husband prefers leather. He always looks happy so that’s nice. I got a nice bag to go with my trousers, it was expensive at 995, what oops I missed the point, the decimal point, 9.95. I never pay more than a tenner for a bag, LV or fake LV.

Do I look good or do I look good? I’m still a tart, yes but I like to try and look good for my husband. We’re skiing in Cloisters next week with all the rich riff raff, its only by saving a bit here and a bit there that we can afford it. Dan’s window cleaning business is doing well, and his plumbing company is not doing too bad either, the security company had to buy 4 more dogs, you know those big horrid ones,  cost him 2k each. But Dan said you have to pay for quality dogs.

He’s closing the night club for refurbishment, he might get Michael Casey to sit in a corner, sit I said sit not anything else. You have such a filthy mind Ethel, you know just sit in a corner to keep an eye on the builders. Michael Casey can write a book while they are working, he may be a fat old git but he does have a way with words.

What about you are you going to buy any new clothes before you go on your world tour with Mick. You’ve got 10 new outfits from the Market already, cost you a fortune. 300 quid, 300 quid they robbed you, Ethel. You could have borrowed some of my stuff, my 150 rails are just packed with stuff. At least we have taste compared to those lost you see on tv. And how much is the trip costing your Mick, 30,000, you got it cheap because the Wholesale Market is next to to the Freemasons Lodge and Mick saved Peter from a pasting when those gay bashers tried to beat him up as he was leaving the Lodge.

How many black belts does your Mick have nowadays? 5, that’s nearly half a dozen. 5 Black Belts but he never has any trousers on. Glad to hear your marriage is such a happy one. He wears the custom when he’s teaching martial arts, I thought he was like a rabbit when you said no trousers. So he ended teaching Martial Arts to Freemasons, and you know what they say about Freemasons. They never need to stuff anything down their trousers, shuttlecocks not required.

Stink in the Fridge

Stink in the Fridge ©

By Michael Casey

I was in the fridge looking for any leftovers when I wondered what it would be like to live in the fridge, it must be so cold after all. Then there is the fact that it is so dark inside, so if you were afraid of the dark it would be a fearsome experience. So how was life in the fridge for all the fridge life inhabitants.

I’m so cold in here that human hates us, leaving us in the cold and in the dark, is he just trying to save on his electricity bill. Come on you tomatoes lets jump up and down and we will create light, hey you sad bottles of milk make some bubbles and lets have some heat in here, those cows must have left some methane in the milk they are always farting, and leaving big messages everywhere.

So the tomatoes jump and the milk shakes and light and heat emerges inside the fridge. Look we are all gonna be eaten so we need to get this party started, lets start with Doe a Dear to cheer us up then there is Somewhere over the Rainbow and Out Of the Fridge. Soon the contents of the fridge were partying, outside nobody would ever know what was going on inside, except for Totoro the family cat who was trying to sleep on top of the fridge and could not due to all of the singing, she was a Cool Cat after all.

The girls came home from school and headed for the fridge, everything stopped inside the fridge, parting kisses were exchanged between the eggs and the tomatoes, the milk looked on and gurgled, the yoghurt and the Camembert just made a stink that’s all they could do. The eggs were taken outside for the firing/scrambling squad, Humpty Dumpty himself could not save them, he was trapped in the freezer box, he had his nose up against a cabbage, a red cabbage at that.

The fridge door opened again, those sisters were so horrid always eating when they came home from school, and in the morning they always had, BREAKFAST, they were savages absolute savages. Now those evil ugly girls were going to drown the bread, dipping it in the eggs, it wasn’t natural forcing eggs to soak bread and then saying it was French, French toast. Then together the egg and bread were burnt alive, Joan of Arc had suffered like that. So why remind the world with this French toast. Those girls were evil, and they even gave some to Totoro the cat when she leapt down from her perch on top of the fridge.

The food in the fridge consoled itself for a few hours singing songs, always look on the bright side of life was very popular as it reminded them of the light going on. Then at Midnight, and they knew it was Midnight as the clock chimed, the fridge door was flung open and Totoro who had been asleep on top of the fridge purred with delight.

Midnight feast, everything left in fridge was flung into the wok, and Mrs Casey and her evil daughters made Egg Fried Everything. The tomatoes leaked everywhere as they were diced and spliced and flung into the wok. The milk gurgled and the yoghurt bubbled, as for the Camembert it made an almighty stink in protest before it too was flung into the wok, Chinese words and laughter as it melted into the melange, those Casey women had raided the fridge and left it empty and pointless. Totoro leapt inside he could smell some spilt dairy and was busy licking I as the fridge door was being closed. A sad solitary tomato laughed in glee, but Totoro slashed his cheeky cheeks before leaping out of the fridge. The Midnight feast was over, time to sneak into a bed, Totoro was not stupid for she had just been fed, and as for the tomato it was DEAD. 

What are we gonna watch?

What are we gonna Watch ©

By Michael Casey

In the old days when I was a kid we had a black and white tv, a kind of box with controls at the side, there was a grill under the screen this is where the sound came out. It was sound, not stereo or Nicam nor Dolby nor anything else.At night when we went to bed Jean our black cat had her opinion on tv. She sat on top of it for the warmth it held, a tv was as big as a microwave back then, just to give you all some idea of the dimensions, bigger in fact but you get the idea.

Nowadays we all have lcd tvs, just as we have lcd monitors on our desktops, or we have thin laptops. Its funny when we see an old film and it has huge old fashioned computer monitors. I remember them from 1978 when I started as a computer operator, I also remember getting my 1^st flat screen monitor. I sold my old new unused large and bulky monitor to the taxi driver at the hotel. He arrived at our house in his jaguar and but the monitor in its box on the back seat or was it in the boot, then he drove me to work on a Sunday at the hotel, CPNEC. Those were the days, me and the drivers bonded, but that’s another story.

Now back to the story, what do we watch on tv now, we are spoilt for choice, by the way the tv screen in hotels are made in such a way that there are redundant if not attached to the hotel broadcast system, in other words they are not worth stealing. As for you and me at home we now have so many channels that you need a GCSE in planning in order to get the most out of our Sky+ or Sky Q or the Virgin this or that. You have to scan down the tv guide to see what’s on and will it clash with the Man U game for him, and Bake Off for her, and the Mongolian Wrestling for Granddad and Grandma on Sky Arts, introduced as ever by Melvin Bragg.

Thankfully every platform has a way of recording a show or two or three while you watch one Live Show as my wife calls it. Though some people are in relative poverty as the politicians might call it as all they have is Freeview, which only has 40 channels, such utter and abject poverty, we should hold our heads in shame until everybody has Sky, I’m sure they’ll be questions in Parliament about the TV Poverty, and maybe they’ll be an Act of Parliament, and eventually all of us will be equal with 300 tv and radio channels in tip top stereo and 4K.

And what will our kids say when we have this equality, and they are saying it already, Why is there never anything to watch on tv. Yes that’s what they say, in USA I guess they have 1000 channels and the same chant goes up, There’s never anything good on tv. Bribes have to be given and exchanged so that what we want is on the main family tv, or the only tv in our house.

If I give you a can of Stella Artois can I watch Bake Off, and if I give you a Cadbury’s Crunchie can I watch Grimm and Sherlock and Blacklist back to back. Ok, I’ll give you 2 Crunchies and some sherbets, but I’m not sharing my Dr Pepper. Don’t tell mum that DIY makeover is on or she’ll hog the tv and make us do more homework. She’s still livid we only got 98% in our last 7 tests, she says she ashamed of us and did not tell Grandma in Shanghai or she would have had a heart attack and died of shame.

Then we wouldn’t get any more clothes especially chosen by grandma, I’m conflicted now, as mum really should watch her favourite tv, and maybe then grannie would NOT keep on sending us those clothes she buys on Chinese Amazon, I’m sure she’s colour blind.  

Once the family is gathered round the tv dad is sent out in the pouring rain to buy sweets and pop, the Polish shop has bottles of 2.25 litres so its better value, and the family can burp even more thanks to the extra .25 litres. Then the family eats Polish snacks chosen by the pretty design on the packaging, dad cannot read any Polish after all, even if the staff always talk to him in Polish.

So a family is united around the tv, 98% will have to do for now before Shanghai mother rounds on them in Mandarin and Shanghai dialect telling them to hit the books or she will sell the tv. But not before Grimm is is finished as she thinks Nick is cool, and her daughters both want to marry Monroe when they grow up, a werewolf in the family would be nice. Meanwhile dad has a sneaky pint of Stella Artois while fending off Totoro the cat.

When all the tv watching is over the tv is switched off, they really must find time to watch the 40 films they have recorded. As for Totoro the cat she has been watching the gymnastics and has worked out a way of sitting and sleeping on a lcd tv, and that would explain why every morning there are cat’s whiskers on the tv, and wasn’t how tv’s and radio were invented in the first place. To get cats to come in off the garden fence at night , a warm tv was the perfect bribe, you just ask John Logie Baird, that’s why he invented tv. 

How do I pick my nose or my words I mean

How do I pick my nose or my words I mean ©

By Michael Casey

To pick my nose I use my finger, but I’ll stop there and leave it to your own imagination. For what I really want to talk about is how do I pick my stories, I nearly used another word there beginning with st but I stopped myself, enough is enough, and less is more as they say.

See as I’m talking to you sounds are the big influence, if I think of this then there is always that, but not the other because that’s another idea and I’m not talking about that at all. See how an idea is a ball in a pin ball machine, or my balls bounce about and make different noises and flashing lights. By my balls I mean my juggling balls, and by balls I means IDEAS, I was using a Metaphor, but will any of you believe me?

So as I sit in my chair I think what should I talk about, what ideas do I have, then a neighbour may pass by outside and the way they look or walk reminds me of something or I get an idea. If you like they are my ingredients, they are my fridge contents. So a person is an egg, and somebody else is a bit of cheese, and then there is ham, I just mix them together to form an omelet. So does that make me a greedy pig, or somebody who knows his onions but not his dictionary.

Then  there events from my day, such as today meeting a nice lady and having a good old gossip, she was an audio typist so hello to her if she reads this over Christmas at her friend’s house. Yes my writing is random, that’s what stops it for being boring for me as the writer. I think I did mention to the audio typist that I do want to dictate my next full length novel, Tears for a Butcher, that way I could write or rather dictate it in 3 months. If I try writing it myself it would take a year at least, and due to the state of my health I am not inclined to do it, and that’s why you get short stories from me. They take an hour to write and are like bars of chocolate, or I hope you think so, but do remember to brush your teeth after you read any of my stories.

As I talk to you I can hear Totoro our cat running around, she has 3 bells on her collar and a little badge saying “Best Bitch”, it was given to us by a Lesbian friend, and ended up on the cat. This is how we are in our Adams family here in Birmingham. Today we had our first real Christmas tree, my wife was ecstatic, our girls dressed the tree and they were very happy too. Totoro was outside hissing at the neighbour’s cat, we have yet to discover where she goes when we let her out. She has come back home smelling of perfume and of pizza. So she may visit our Polish or Japanese neighbours and their children, or our gay neighbours over the garden fences.

Our other gay neighbours have a wonderful Christmas tree in the window so my wife is so happy that ours is just as good as theirs. As for Totoro she enjoys climbing on top of our fridge, so I am half expecting her to dive bomb into the Christmas tree from that vantage point.   

I need to go to bed now so I’ll finish for the night, I hope I’ve shared my trick with you, making the ordinary sound interesting. As Frank Carson the comedian used to say, you’ve heard it all before, but its the way I tell them. So Goodnight to you all and please do send a Christmas card to anybody who’d enjoy the love, ecards are available too.  

Cruel Christmas

Cruel Christmas ©

By Michael Casey

I was scanning the newspapers when I saw a piece about Johnny Depp’s goodwill trips to hospital. His daughter was saved by GOSH,  Great Ormond Street Hospital about 10 years ago, he was also in a biopic about Peter Pan’s creator, which is very good too.

Now that’s the good side of Christmas, but what about the dark side, can you feel the force or have you found your grannie’s stash of Babycham and are too hungover to feel anything, a bit like me having a pain day today.So if you are all sitting comfortably let me begin, no burping or farting at the back there, or there’ll be no Polish vodka for you. Didn’t I tell you the local deli gave me a bottle, I thought it was water but when I opened it I had a big big surprise.

So for Mrs Proper your English teacher what are you giving her? A scales and a tape measure, she is 123 kilos after all. The scales are to measure out her food, they go up to 150kilos, and the tape measure is to measure the mounds of food she shovels down her throat. You are so very thoughtful.

And what about Miss Crawley, you’re giving her something from Victoria’s Secret and and an ipad. My you must really like her, what does she teach, Religion. So why do you want to give her lingerie, because she is so hot you’d risk the Fires of Hell just to see her in red lingerie, and maybe she’ll take some selfies with the ipad, and maybe more. Perhaps a bottle of holy water would be more appropriate, or a bottle of Polish vodka.

Then there is the caretaker what are you going to give him? Deodorant, Brut, definately Brut, or maybe Jeyes Fluid with a spray nozzle attached. Does he have a sweat problem? Oh, the boys locker rooms smell nicer than him. You could have a quiet word to save embarrassing him. You did that, that was very king of you. The Cheerleaders did a 5 minutes routine saying he stunk, he stunk, he stunk worse than a SKUNK. And what was his reaction? He just farted over the P.A. Nice.

So we’ve done school, what about a present for your local priest. An egg timer, that’s thoughtful, so he’ll have perfect boiled eggs for his breakfast, the most important meal of the day. Oh, its for his pulpit so he’ll give shorted sermons. Well dual purpose presents are always the best ones and it does save money.

And are you giving anything to Henry our street cleaner, 20 cans of lager, that’s very good. You are going to drink the lager first and give him the empty cans, now that’s so cruel. You really are going to give him 20 cans of lager, he rescued your wallet from the storm drain by using his litter picker. You were on a hot date with somebody from school, Miss Crawley, only joking but who knows in the future.

What about granddad, you have bought him incontinence knickers so he can watch Manchester United without dashing to the toilet in the middle of it, and he can drink 4 cans of Stella Artois such is the capacity of the incontinence knickers. My you really do love granddad.

What about your sister, you got her original gift tokens, I never heard of original gift tokens. You gave her 100 quid in cash, very kind of you. You had a win on the lottery otherwise she’d have gotten 10 quid and a lottery ticket. But it’s the thought that counts.

And what about me, do I get anything, though to be honest a card made with love would be enough. You have nothing for me, but when you finish your Kentucky Fried Chicken  you’ll make a Christmas card out of the box, because you know how ecology and recycling is so dear to my heart. Oh, but you will put a lottery ticket inside the card, you will, that’s nice I could win millions, and I’d buy everybody in the family a new house. What can you repeat that your mouth is so full of chicken, can I lend you 2 pounds for lottery ticket, then you’ll put it in the card made from a used Kentucky Fried Chicken box.

Merry Christmas2016 Everybody, Christmas costs nothing and is made of Love, and I have plenty of that, nothing, nothing but love.