Why I should be the next ArchBishop of Canterbury or JKRowling (c)

 By Michael  Casey

I was reading about the job vacancy for Arch Bishop or Canterbury, I immediately thought I should apply. My eyebrows are just as wild as the present post holder. I could work one day a week, Sunday, and enjoy all the perks. Canterbury is very nice too, my friend did his Bsc and PhD there, I was even at the PhD ceremony in the cathedral itself, must be 25years ago now. I even remember his mum bought a new hat but in the end did not wear it. Then years later I got him to sign the wedding register for me with his Dr title, hoping that it would impress people in the future. There was another PhD there, Dr William from Taiwan, who was a metallurgy expert, and enjoyed meeting my dad a blacksmith.

I'd love dressing up in all those costumes too and the fancy "walking stick", all the fun in the cathedrals would be nice. I was an altar boy for a number of years. The incense was always fun and disposing of the charcoal down the drain and watching it fizz was fantastic for an 8 year old. Funerals were my favourite, I did 30 of them, all the smoke and candles, and splashing of holy water. In them days Black was king, but the reading about Lazarus was so nice. Coming back from the dead. I do of course have speaking experience too, I used to read the 2 lessons from the Bible that we had at every Mass. So I remember tons of Bible passages, as I've heard it all my life. So all in all I'd make a good Archbishop of Canterbury, and I love Lambeth Palace as a London home. Though there might be one problem, I am a Catholic, but perhaps that is the future for the C of E crowd.

As for JK Rowling, God bless her, no she doesn't need to kiss my ring. She is brave trying to try a different format for her writing, a grown up book, for grown ups. People will be disappointed whatever she does, her past will always be compared to her present. I wrote a play called Shoplife and immediately it was accepted for production, though not finally produced. See Amazon Kindle author page for details. You or rather she may be fantastic at her Harry Potters, but anything else may not gel with the audience, people want what they are used to. You have your coffee, or is it horlicks at this time of night, you have your bedtime drink, it may be 4 pints of Stella. But you have what you like and you enjoy it. Nobody would change CocaCola colours to green and blue would they? It is what it is. So for JK Rowling to change she really is taking a chance, take a chance on me as Abba sings. I read Sir Arthur Conan Doyle got fed up with Sherlock Holmes, so I can understand JK Rowling wanting to get out of the straight jacket, she just wants to break free, as Queen sings. Comedians want to act Hamlet, Frank Carson was always sure in his skin. He stayed at our hotel once, Roger drove him to the airport in the morning and nearly crashed the van, why? Because Frank had him laughing and crying with laughter, because Frank Carson was always switched on.

So JK Rowling, if you want a change of gear and to get away from your past, why not run for ArchBishop of Canterbury. You will have to fight me first for all the fancy costumes, and somehow I doubt you'll ever have the bushy eyebrows.   And maybe its time for a female head of the church.But both of us would make a better job of it compared to the present guy. MIAOW

From Lenny Bruce to Innuendo

From Lenny Bruce to Innuendo ©

By

Michael Casey

I was thinking about words and their power the other night as I drifted off to sleep, Lenny Bruce’s name drifted through my mind. I was thinking about how we use words  and perhaps I was thinking about my next blog. How nowadays nobody has a vocabulary, just F(*&^ or &*^%, that’s what you get if you remonstrate with anybody under 30. I won’t bore anybody with my take on the past week’s mayhem.

I have a friend called Jim, we worked together at a 4star deluxe business hotel, Jim had worked very hard all his life,  he had a tongue on him and he knew how to use it.

The thing though was that he could say anything and could get away with it, why, because he had charm, an old rogue’s charm, so instead of getting the sack guests would say, a la Dick Emery, “you are awful”. So if you like his use of words was acceptable.

If you rarely curse then it has more power when you do. But 15 year olds can and do curse ad infinitum, so although we can say its bad in fact its more boring than bad.  In the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy Belgium is the worst word you can use. Perhaps we need to invent a few more words, Politician, NofW, Wall Street, Stock Market are just a few that spring to mind. If somebody has “stock marketed” you, its akin to some kind of rape, that has left you battered and bruised, spiritually, mentally, financially.

No doubt I’ll be criticised for my last sentence, which proves that people don’t bother to read things in context.

Over here in England we have Innuendo, we have camp and other styles of comedy. In USA Irony is not understood, and you even get attempts at using irony, and you get the joke backward telegraphed and the star saying “I was being Ironic”, when really they were getting it wrong. Innuendo is a good form of language. You can say so much while saying so little. I like the comedians who used it so well in the past, I like words used as weapons of laughter, think back to the Goons and Around the Horne. Kenneth Williams and Duncan and Sandy invented Camp humour BEFORE it was invented, I hope USA readers will Google all this they could make a comic discovery for themselves. 1950s, 1960s  were light years ahead of the game. You don’t need an overpaid fast talking guy looking at his own reflection, just go back to the old days, and they really were the good old days for comedy. I have been told myself that some of  my stuff leads people up the garden path, which is all you need to do.

Lenny Bruce said, “ have you ever Blaaaed a Bla, or have you ever Dooed a Do” I think that’s a line from the film. It makes me remember too just how good Dustin Hoffman was/is 2 Oscars and  loads of other stuff. The point is though that you don’y have to curse all the time, I think its just boring and lazy. I did a post called Metaphor This a few weeks ago, that proves that language is a balloon that can be twisted this way and that way to form a giraffe.

A sex scene when written down does not need to be graphic, a metaphor can be far funnier. He touched the scales of justice, he adjusted the weights, he was pleased with the result, law was duly served, he pleaded his innocence, but he felt the full force of justice, and he was fully processed, then he was taken down to the cells, he was relieved. That’s how I showed Romance between a lawyer and a milkman/baker in my novel The Butcher The Baker and The Undertaker. I’m no Jilly Cooper you can go to Amazon Kindle and Judge Me for yourselves.

Yes I do curse on occasion and when I write my actors may curse too, but words are like a cloak, they are clothes for my actors, and words show more Fashion and Class than some moron who can only “Daa a daa,” and doesn’t know his arse from his elbow.

The Tears I Shed are for Me

The Tears I Shed are for Me       Jan 23, ’09 5:36 PM

A family friend died today, just 42, 2 infants and a wife left behind. He only found out he had cancer weeks ago and now he’s gone.

The tears I shed are for him and his kin.
The tears I shed are for myself too.
Our ages were close we both have/had toddlers too.
We connected though he was a Chinaman and I was from Birmingham.
He always wanted a family and I had said just hold Annie and you’ll soon be holding your own.
He held Annie and 1year later he was holding a daughter of his own.
I was so happy for him, his name was one of the few I could pronounce and remember.
He went back home to Bejing from Birmingham , he had a second daughter.
He held a Phd , but he talked and behaved just like you and me.
Now in the night gave up the fight , his life on this earth is over.
His 3 girls he leaves behind.
I have 3 girls too, his plight has deeply touched me, we are just leaves blowing in he wind.
Our life is short , treasure your girls, no matter which way the wind blows.
Kiss them goodnight, kiss them goodbye as you fly out the door, for one day you will see them no more.
The tears I shed are for me, for all family, we must love our family as we love our God, there is no certainty in this life, just remember to love your wife.

Lies and My Book

Lies and my Book(c)

By Michael Casey

You like me and I'll like you. You click I click but we don't know each other at all. Its a circle of deceit, we are all looking at our feet. Yes you like me and I'll like you then its a certainty we'll be so loved that more traffic will come our way. We'll all be happy and gay, we'll all be writers, the whole world at our feet.

What ever happened to being honest, no Amazon ratings are more important. I'll take a look and if I don't like what I see I just say nothing and silently slip away into the darkness of the web. Yes do take a look but if you don't like it don't say you do. Mark Zuckerberg is reading all my books on Amazon Kindle right now, he's even going to swap FB with adverts for The Butcher The Baker and The Undertaker.

NO he isn't, he hasn't heard of me and never will, but I just lie and repeat the lie over and over, just as Goebels advised, then enough people will believe my lies and I will sell more books. The truth is the Pope is reading my book, he has it on his nightstand, next to his rosary beeds and his glasses. He sent an email to President Obama and now Obama is reading 300 and Not OUT my 5th book, its 300 short easy pieces, perfect reading while he's on the campaign trail. In fact Romney is reading one of my books too Essays and Plays, he didn't want to read the same book as Obama so he's reading a different one. As for Vice President Biden, he's reading Shoplife my play that nearly changed my life. Its short as its a play but has lots of belly laughs in it, so Joe can read it and then fall asleep with a smile on his face. That just leaves MichaelCasey'sBlogs2011 Sheperd Smith from Fox news is reading that, I sent it to him as I like him, he has a good soul.

So I've told enough lies in one blog, so I'll have to go to confession, the priest he too has read The Butcher The Baker and The Undertaker, yes he has, he called it a "jolly good read" And no I'm not lying now

Radio Voice

Radio Voice ©

By Michael Casey

I read in the DT that two of the long standing announcers and news readers on Radio4 are leaving, taking early retirement, it leaves a melancholy feeling. Radio4 and me go back 40years now, me and my brother used to listen to The World Tonight, Douglas Stewart reporting. A voice is so soothing, calming, a favourite, just like an uncle’s voice or even your own mother’s. I can remember my own mother’s voice, on the phone her accent was still very County Kerry, but normally I couldn’t hear it, I was used to it. My wife’s voice is Shanghai, but I am used to it, on the phone though its very sing song Chinese, and very sexy to my ears.

So why has radio got so much power? Is it because it is in the room with us, radio is really there, right next to us, behind our back. I used to listen to the radio while in the bath, I had battery radios then so it was safe to have a radio in the bathroom. A radio does wash over you, just as the bubbles do, it goes right around your head and cleans your ears out. A voice, a sound, can have so much power, the sound is not overpowered by vision, the words, the sounds, the music reaches the parts tv cannot touch. Watch tv and close your eyes, the sound, your ears are different compared to having your eyes open.

A favourite actor, a song sung by an artist has so much more power when you are lying in the bath covered in warm water and bubbles, they do connect so much. Martin Jarvis is one great example, when he reads something he hits the words on the nail, words are nailed to your spirit. He also narrates books, he is The Man in my book, I can even remember him as a detective on tv years and years ago. Others do narrate things but they don’t have as much skill, or class, his actor’s training and experience make the difference. The worse thing about new “celebrities” is that they are allowed to do voice overs, and they are not up to the job. Parrots have a cloth thrown over the cages to shut them up, I think we should throw a cloth over new “celebrities” too.

Shoes

Shoes ©

By Michael Casey

Shoes we all wear them, they were the one thing that wasn’t handed me down when I grew up, trousers I remember they were handed down, and I was the 4^th of 4 brothers. I can remember the summer of 1970 my mum sat on an old barn chair with the back missing and she took up the legs on a pair of puke coloured cords, then I ran up and down the yard and garden with my hands in my pockets admiring my first ever long trousers. Yes I really wore shorts with long socks with elastics to hold them up, my knees were exposed till I was nearly 12.

But what of shoes. Shoes are nice and I think expensive, so I bought cheap leather almost Oxfords for office work. Though these past 10 years maybe I buy soft leather nice shoes, brown, because brown is cheaper than black, and black means in service, like working in a hotel, and I know all about hotels. There is a Clarkes shop on New St in Birmingham so if you wait for the sale you can get ½ price Clarkes and nothing is nicer than new shoes. The Internet also allows you to get bargains too, so I buy 2 pairs at a time. My latest pair are and were the best pair of shoes I’ve ever had, light brown in colour with soft leather, with a strip of while sole, like nougat I suppose then with a thin strip of lighter brown on the sole. Yes yes yes, those shoes are the best. Comfort while you are working is a must, then best of all when the shoes are too shabby to wear outside you convert them to house slippers.

I have a confession to make, I do have smelly feet and dandruff, sounds like something from my piece about “what makes a man sexy to a woman” which Funny or Die ranks at 100% funny, 250 view in 2 days. I’ll get back to the shoes, I do have smelly feet but I have fixed that by Oder Eaters which are foam insoles that take the stink away. Stink is the word, I confess to  clearing an entire coach in 1972 while my form was at Romsley. We had been out catching tadpoles and I had been wearing wellingtons all day, and one thing led to another, it was worse than poison gas, but I am my father’s son, and he did work next to a furnace all his life. So as I do have Oder Eaters in my shoes, I don’t have smelly feet, everything is contained. Oder Eaters are soft too so you get more comfort in your shoes. I should also point out that I don’t have dandruff, no I’m not contradicting myself, Head and  Shoulders really does work and the Aldi cheap version works too, so that’s those two points laid to rest.

Now some have metal bits stuck to their shoes, so there is a great racket as they walk along. Little Caesar was my Latin and Spanish teacher, he was a lovely man, 5feet nothing and he sounded like a flamenco dancer as he strode all the corridor, it was like listening to approaching thunder. Shoes are an accompaniment to our life, they are like the herald if you like. Me I prefer to be quiet, no not like a cat waiting to pounce, just quiet.

I do have a pair of shoes I hate and would love to throw out, but they are like a bastard child, they are still useful, I wear them in the winter or heavy heavy rain, with climate change I will keep them till I am 100.  Now if I were a woman, and I do have great legs, anyway IF I were a women I’d have shoes and  boots and sandals and pixie boots and kinky boots and all kinds of  boots. These boots are make for walking, sang Nancy Sinatra, boots and shoes and whatevers do change our mood, do enhance our self worth, just as a dress does, just ask J Edgar Hoover.

My day so far

My day so far. I've had 2 cups of green tea because its good for me, but it tastes horrible, we opened a box of chocolates we got for free so that helps take away the bad taste in my mouth. After the tea is drunk I break open the tea bag and  scatter the tea into a handy flower pot. Tea is supposed to be good for plants, at least they don't have a tongue so they won't notice the horrible taste of green tea. My wife said I shouldn't add sugar or milk as it will negate the good effects. I did give up sugar in 1977 and I switched to semi skimmed milk in 1986 when I got my house,  my attempt at healthy living. But green tea straight, yuck but it is supposed to be so healthy. What else have I done? Went to Mass, as I've said before our priest looks a bit like Topol and has a great voice. I checked the results for my post on What makes a man sexy to a woman. I write a piece on my site then I repost it to FB, in the hope of gaining readers, 5, 10 any number will do. I also put it on Funny or Die, this lastest one has got 235 at 100% funny in two days. If only those 235 went to Amazon and bought a few books.What else am I doing, searching for some Esol work, and fending off the wife as she searches my pockets for my wallet so she can go to Costco to buy toilet paper, 48 rolls, and other exciting stuff. Its sunny outside now so I may go sit in the garden and pretend I'm in the South Of France having sold millions of books, well in my dreams anyway. I have been dreaming about Tears For A Butcher my 6th book as I work here on the computer. So I hope your days are as productive