Simple Sarah

Simple Sarah (c)

By

Michael Casey

Simple Sarah, was well simple, or so folks thought, in fact she used to teach languages, very strange languages to very strange men. They all respected her, she used to slap their knuckles with a plastic ruler if they made any mistakes. She was no ordinary ESOL English teacher, but in reverse if you know what I mean. She was the best, the very best in her field. When she announced she was to retire early, while there was still some life in the old dog, everybody at the “school” was sad. You’ll miss the bitch, or Miss Bitch, I know what you call me behind my back. Then she laughed like a drain, and everybody joined in. She always told them after slapping knuckles with a ruler, one day you’ll thank me. And indeed they did, indeed they did.

They didn’t give her a clock as a leaving present, they gave her a watch and a parrot. As she had told them all that Parrot Fashion was the only way to be when speaking a language. She also told them a friend of hers used to own a cafe and he had a parrot that always said “shut the bleeding door” and yes that’s a true story, because this writer’s dad used to go there on High Street Smethwick many years ago. So Simple Sarah retired early, with a parrot and a Mickey Mouse watch, though it was no ordinary Mickey Mouse watch.

So Simple Sarah settled into living in her Agatha Raison style village. Soon she knew everybody and she knew everything, she cycled everywhere with an old grocer’s bicycle with it’s basket at the front. Simple Sarah was a big strong girl, in fact she once had a French student in her class, he complained about being hit with a ruler, so she slapped his face so hard it was red for an hour. She believed in discipline, and so did her students. The French man never complained after that, in fact a year later he returned with a gift of wine and cheese. All he said was, you saved my life, and went away with a tear in his eye.

So Simple Sarah soon became the village gossip par excellent, she knew things only your priest or doctor should or could know. If you were sick, or needed cheering up she was there. A cheerful chat, disgusting really disgusting jokes, that you’d need confession after hearing them. Or a kiss and a hug, and a gift of jam left at your door. She had a friend called Mrs Douglas who made cake so a cake made with love from Mrs Douglas would find it’s way to you. Carried in a basket in front of the bicycle, Simple Sarah really was the best, simple the best, better than all the rest. Flowers were grown in her garden and shared with love. Simple Sarah had green fingers up to her elbow, she received seeds in the post from her “boys” as she called them fondly, even if they called her “Miss Bitch”, she laughed at the memory.

Simple Sarah loved her life, her retirement, she could keep a secret too, so she was the confessor to all, she could easily have put the priest out of business. But she did not, she was a glue, a form or chattering cement that bound the street as other women do all over the world do. Now when one day Sarah was not seen at the post office everybody assumed she was some place else. But she was not, she had in fact fallen down the stairs, carrying too many books and her mug of Horlicks.

There was a Frenchman in the post office, he wanted to buy a plastic ruler, he was the very same Frenchman, all the girls swooned. He was hot, so very very hot, and yes he even had a moustache and a battered beret with a Lourdes badge on. Then everybody pointed to the sky, there was a parrot flying overhead, it had something in it’s claws, it was a watch. It was Simple Sarah’s, she had told them all to call her simply Sarah, or Simple Sarah and had laughed when she first met them all. Hence Simple Sarah, and now the parrot was carrying her watch.

The Frenchman looked up, Miss Bitch he exclaimed, he recognised both parrot and the watch. Everybody in the post office gave him a filthy look, such language and to speak of the angelic Simple Sarah in such a way. The Frenchman ran outside and spoke in a foreign language, the parrot immediately descended and perched on his shoulder. The Frenchman looked at the watch, he pressed the special button immediately. Help will Come, Help with Come but this was not Narnia this was a little English village, near Herford.

The Frenchman spoke into his phone again in a very strange language, look after the parrot he commanded, and he was so very commanding, the French as so very hot, hot hot. All the post office ladies were aquiver. The rescuers will come, just tell them Jacques Cousteau has gone ahead, and then he raced through field in a direct attack, or should I say save. What’s going on, and why is Simple Sarah’s parrot here. Then the ladies looked at the Mickey Mouse watch, on the back was an inscription, from those who dare to speak.

They didn’t quiet understand what it all meant, but 3 military helicopters overhead and quad bikers swarming did give a little indication. Simple Sarah used to teach strange languages to even stranger men, and yes your life could depend on it, so you did have to speak just like a parrot. Or something deadlier than a ruler might hit you. And why was the Frenchman call Jacques Cousteau? Because he enjoyed a gentle paddle in water, if I explained any more somebody might have to kill you, if you’ve read the first story in The Final Cut of the 19^th Hole that might explain it to you, ok enough.

So Simple Sarah was saved and a helicopter took her to a Military hospital, as it was the closest, and they do look after their own after all. Though Birmingham’s QE does look after many military too, and military nurses work there, as this writer can testify. All was revealed, well almost, Simple Sarah was a linguist, was it 15 languages she spoke, and they were the kind of languages “naughty boys” as she called her boys might need when they were out for a Friday night’s mischief. And yes that’s a metaphor.

All the post office’s supply of plastic rulers were bought up, the “naught boys” did have a sense of humour after all. So a vase of wine with plastic rulers sticking out of it like flowers was placed by her bed in hospital. They did give her a very long straw as well.