Short stories from Birmingham readers in 162 countries so far
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207 stories written & read by me
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What Makes a Man Sexy to a Woman(C) By Michael Casey
I have all my albums loaded to the computer so that while I work I can listen to the albums, over 1600 tracks, I let the music role and I didn’t know Michael Bolton was next. So when he popped up I thought HE was a woman’s favourite, but anybody can listen too. I did get me thinking though.
Is it his hairy chest, is he tall dark and handsome, or is it the way he moves, the way he grooves, is it his smouldering eyes? Women as you read this tell me what YOU think.
And what of me? Am I sexy? Is it my hairy back and my hairy arms, my bushy eyebrows, does all this make women swoon? Is it my big chest and my even bigger belly. Is it my hazel eyes, Chinese folk have brown eyes, so my eyes are a novelty to them. Is it the British accent, does it sent a shiver down the spines of women. Michael Bolton is singing “back on my feet again” as I talk to you. Do I knock women off their feet. And not because of my smelly feet, which I inherited from my dad, a father of six, and those smelly feet have passed to the next generation, to my Birmingham/Shanghai children.
Is it something in the way I move, something in the way I pucker my lips, is it the way I look into women’s eyes, and men’s too. Do I have charisma like a pop star, or politician, and I a god.
Or is it that when women see me I remind them of Scruffy their first dog, the slobbering fat and drooling puppy who left puddles everywhere, the dog who wagged his tail when they were a mile away, but Scruffy knew their master was on the way, so Scruffy jumped and jumped and scrapped at the back door.
No I’m no sex god, I’m just a hound dog, chewing on blue suede shoes.
Well it had to happen, Donald had swept in and offered Cake for Everybody, then he disappeared and I got no cake. Let them Eat Cake, was what that French Lady said, and look what happened to her. It was not TOP SECRET it was all over tv, after Donald was counted out 37 times, which is a bit like that French film from the 60s. Film buffs go check it out.
So, I said to Rodger who knew all about swings, you should challenge him. Rodger declined gracefully, he had to wash the CPNEC van after all. Then I thought you know what I’ll challenge the Old Fraud myself, though all I know is that golfers have dimples on their balls. I was going to ring a lady and ask does Donald have dimples on his, only she said she’d signed a non-disclosure agreement.
Donald replied in crayon, a note pushed through my letter box, wrapped in a red baseball hat, used, it had strands on his hair in it. I was going to have it DNA tested, my friend Carol works down the Path Lab. When Carol is not testing my Pee for Ckd he has a side-line of Paternity testing.
I send an email to the Chinese email address inside Donald’s baseball cap, and they would pass on my reply. Yes, Donald would battle my stand-in as I cannot get around a lot what with all my illnesses. Little did he know, who would swing for me, only my man from the Pharmacy. Mr Pharma Man himself.
Donald sent a plane to pick up my man, and when he arrived Donald Trump mocked him openly. Just wait till wants something for the weekend, no Pharmacy in the whole of the UK would welcome him.
Donald teed off, Pharma Man waited then with one almighty stroke a Hole in One. Then while Donald had a few strokes to finish the first hole, Pharmacy Man was on the phone discussing piles and how to threat them, Donald being so close gave Pharmacy Man a few ideas on Pile Drivers.
Donald smiled, beginner’s luck, I built this course. Pharmacy Man, put his phone back again, as Donald hit the ball with all his might, it actually landed on the green. Though Donald fell over all red faced, and the Secret Service had to give him Oxygen. Pharmacy Man moon walked backwards, and spun around in slow motion, and hit a 2nd Hole in One. Then took his phone out to discuss laxatives, as Donald got up and took four more stokes to get in it the hole.
Donald was livid by now, just who are you. I’m the Pharmacy Man said the Pharmacy Man showing Donald a picture of himself and his Lady Wife standing behind the counter of his Corner Pharmacy shop opposite the Pub and the Building Society and by the Electrical store. The Pharmacy man smiled, he may be small in stature but as far as Pharmacy was concerned he knew it all. His Golf was not too bad either as he had played every golf course in the whole of Ireland and a good few in England. 30 years plus experience, of Pharmacy and swinging his golf club.
Donald strode to the 3rd tee, the Pharmacy man reaching into his golf bag and brought out a flask of tea, Indian of course. Plus, a sandwich, all the time consulting on the phone had made him peckish. Donald gripped his club and swung it, missed the ball and brought up a clump of earth. The Pharmacy Man smiled knowingly, I can recommend Eye Drops, that might help you. Donald took 7 shots to get it in the hole, and yes the Pharmacy Man did it in one, another Hole in One.
At the fourth Donald was red faced and livid, just tell me, who the&&&& are you really? I’m the Pharmacy Man, replied the Pharmacy man smiling with a twinkle in his eye. The Pharmacy man was on his phone again, organising a Charity Event, and would Donald like to donate a set of clubs, as clearly he was not having any luck with those one. Donald swung, and fell over backwards into a bunker, 8 shots for that hole. The Pharmacy man, another hole in one.
At the 5th Donald offered 1000dollars if the Pharmacy Man would take two shots, but the Pharmacy Man replied, INTEGRITY cannot be bought, as he moon walked backwards and hit a 5th Hole in One. Donald screamed YOU CANNOT BE SERIOUS
And attacked the ball, he got it in two. So at least his shots were better, though the Pharmacy man did say, there’s a Lady I know who could help you with your Anger Management, she’s 82 but she knows everything about Calming. Donald was livid and screamed, the Secret Service had to restrain him and give him Oxygen.
At the 6th there were bunkers everywhere, Secret Service hiding in them too. Pharmacy Man said “looks tricky” as he put his reading glasses on. Trump skipped around the tee he was so happy, perhaps maybe Pharmacy Man would not hole it in one. So, Trump swung first and landed in a bunker, his ball bouncing off a Secret Service Man’s head. But Trump did not care, he had a feeling the Pharmacy Man would be Human. Just one moment, I have to take this call. It was his grandchild, he had to ask how was Primary School, then after pulling a face on his phone. The Pharmacy Man swung for it, wriggling like a worm as he swung. Of course, another Hole in One. Trump’s face turned all the colours of the Rainbow, that reminds me Gay Pride is coming to Birmingham remarked the Pharmacy Man, the Lord Mayor is Gay, Andy Street, and he’ll be dancing in the street too, maybe you should pay a Visit.
The Secret Service formed a huddle around Trump, like an American Football play. The 7th was a long fairway, with trees at every side, Trump had to decide, should he use a big driver or what, he had plenty of drivers, a failed President always had plenty. So, Trump plumped himself up to his full height and swung, the Secret Service lined up behind to catch him. I should have worn my high heels said the Pharmacy Man, as he swung. It was going to be a Hole in One, but a squirrel grabbed his ball, bit it and dropped it in the Hole. Trump was Triumphant, Like 4th of July, he wanted to kiss the Secret Service, and none are Ladies.
See, no Hole in One. Actually, Under the Rules of Golf, Page 467, paragraph 1B. It is a valid shot. Trump was apoplectic, He demanded somebody look it up. But calmly the Pharmacy Man explained. Chapter and Verse. How can you know it, how can you know it, Trump screamed. I’m a Pharmacy Man explained the Pharmacy Man, How many books do you think I’ve read just to get Qualified? A book on Golf was lying around on at our Honeymoon Hotel years ago. And my Wife suggested I get out in the Fresh Air, all the time spent behind the counter of a Pharmacy would make me a Dull Man. So that’s why I took up Golf in the first place. Something Trivial to take my mind off the serious stuff, PHARMACY.
But as I’m a Gentleman, I’ll take the shot again. Could you do it with your Eyes Closed Shut asked Trump sarcastically. So, Pharmacy Man closed his eyes, and took a shot again. Another Hole in one. My wife has taught me so much, and as she always says Eyes Closed Shut it always better, once you know the lay of the land. You should listen to your Wife, Donald.
8th hole coming up, a dog leg, 2 shots if you were a PGA champion. No way on God’s little green earth would Pharmacy Man get a hole in one. Trump was crying now, his fake tan being washed away, but at least Pharmacy Man would never get a hole in one. Can we walk from tee to the green so I can picture it in my head, asked the Pharmacy Man. So, they walked to the green and back, as Pharmacy man asked his wife what were they having for tea, and to save some for him, he’d have it cold when he finally got home. Putting his phone away, Pharmacy stood well back, as if he was playing cricket, and then he took a run at the ball and swung his club. The ball went high into the sky, like a rocket from Kim in North Korea, a seagull swerved to avoid being hit. The ball came down and rolled along the green and stopped at the lip of the hole, without falling in. Trump got a message from Secret Service stationed there, Trump cried. His makeup in tatters. But then a second later the ball dropped in. The Secret Service had to restrain Trump yet again.
Who in God’s Name are you? I’m just a Pharmacy Man, but I’m a very lucky man, as I have such a great Lady. So long as she can hear my voice she’s happy. Ok, 9th Hole before we start the return 9 holes to the Club House. I’ll give you a million dollars cash, if you just drop a shot, begged Trump. One million dollars, that’s what Elizabeth Taylor said, but really she did not want the part, remarked Pharmacy Man.
As Pharmacy Man walked to the 9th tee, he rung his wife yet again. These free minutes are so good on our mobile plan, you are so clever my darling wife, and the Pharmacy Man blew a kiss down the phone. Trump swung for the Pharmacy Man, and it took all the Secret Service to restrain him. But calmly the Pharmacy Man winked at Trump and hit another hole in one. You know this course is a little boring to me, but it does match you perfectly Mr Trump.
9 holes in one, is that not proof enough for you, you LOST you LOST you LOST. In 2020 Election, what kind of substances are you taking? Maybe you should change your Pharmacist, I could squeeze you on my list, I assume you have a decent doctor already.
The Secret Service carried a Rabid Trump away, so the Pharmacy Man took a free helicopter back, he was home in time for tea after all. Trump could shove his dimpled balls up his backside 3 times a day with water.
p.s Super Tuesday is not a girl….
pps. somebody said I won fancy Marriot pillows in an email, plus a set of clubs
the pillows would be nice, I’d donate the clubs to the real pharmacy man
and what has TRUMP done for USA. these past 4 years
NOTHING just lie and moan about HIMSELF
has he created any jobs?
VOTE accordingly on Nov 5th, Bonfire Night over here in UK
Share this:
thank you Legal AF
and the bald guy too for guiding me through Trump's court cases
From what I hear he is now Senile but nobody is brave enough to tell him
and his Maga kissed his backside so much
TRUMP may end up in Walter Reid and NOT jail, the Dementia defence
BUT he still has tpo be VOTED OUT and you all have to bother to vote
Electoral College nonsense
Stay Pure all of you
and pray for my health MY Tinnitus got s bad this afternoon
Yes, I am a Pole Dancer, so don’t be jealous, and ladies don’t be too excited. At first it was a way of keeping fit, me all alone in the basement swinging from the pole that held up the ceiling above. It cost me nothing and it kept me fit. Then when I was in the corner shop Lilly fell over on a banana skin, I caught her and she said I was ever so strong. Where did you did you get your muscles from, I said from a sale on Amazon, Lilly laughed and hit me with her walking stick. Lilly is 89 you see, but she lies about her age and says she is 100, that way she gets free stuff. Her Pension is not enough, so by lying about her age she adds to her cupboard instead of being an old mother Hubbard.
Her granddaughter or is it great granddaugher intervened and prevented any more battering. So Louise followed me home and took a look at my bruise, she then slapped on a plaster and said grannie was right you are so full of muscles. Please tell me where you got them from. So I confessed to being a Pole dancer in the cellar, using the pole that held the ceiling up as my exercise tool.
Louise insisted on seeing my Pole. Then she said go on, do it. So I stripped to my Yfronts and my string vest and my socks and began to swing. I forgot to say Louise works in the local Primark, so she’s used to seeing people strip off and try things on. Nobody would try anything on with Louise as she trains with 7th Dan Moses at the local Judo school. So there I was swinging from my Pole. Louise was quite impressed, and she actually quite excited, it must have been the sight of my 18stones or 252 pound body moving fluidly around a Pole. Up and down and around and around. In the end it was too much for here so she went upstairs for a glass of water.
The next day she brought a friend, Mandy was her name, and they asked could the have the use of my Pole. I agreed of course. Mandy also does Judo with 7th Dan Moses, so how could I refuse. But they did make me an offer I could not refuse. They would bake for me. So I couldn’t say Bake Off to them. In fact their mince pies nearly turned my head, and went straight to my thighs, so much so I had to do an extra 10 mins before bedtime.
So it continued, I had food and drinks left on my kitchen table while down below ladies used my pole. In the end I didn’t need to go shopping as the ladies using my pole filled my cupboard. In the end it was later and later before I could do my own pole exercise routine. I’d been watching the gymnastics and had picked up a trick or two. Moulin Rouge had been on the telly again so that inspired me again.
It was so late that I had decided to do my pole routine naked and then I’d shower and go straight to bed. Only life is strange, and as I was working out on pole with the soundtrack to Moulin Rouge playing on my old cassette player, I did not notice a group of ladies sneak in. Lilly and Mandy were trying to persuade their friends that pole dancing was really good for keeping the figure trim. In fact it was nearly the entire ladies Judo team, Midlands Division. They had popped in for a quick look and I hadn’t locked the front door, so they were able to slip in. If you have that many Judo people visit you and our pole you feel safe.
The girls were amazed, and when they saw all my scars, first from my ankle bones to my naughty bits, then down my entire chest, they were overwhelmed. And it takes a lot to overwhelm a Ladies Judo expert, Midlands Division. The sight of my tight big fat buttocks, made them gasp too, ok one had to go puke in the front garden. One of them could not resist temptation and live streamed it. So I was all over the Internet, me and my fat arse, and glorious scars.
I stopped and did not know what to say, then I said the obvious, I hope somebody brings some Stella tomorrow. I’m here already, said a voice from the back. It was a beautiful girl. I meant Stella Artois I mumbled. I’ll bring the Stella Artois tomorrow said Stella. We all laughed. I walked through the crowd, Stella slapped my bum, it was just too much temptation for her.
Overnight I was an Internet sensation, and in the morning Stella brought the Stella Artois. Then she stripped and practised her pole dancing. It was only fair after all. And that is how me and Stella got together. Naked pole dancing together with Stella, Stella Artois afterwards.
