Tuesday, 12 March 2019

Мясник Бейкера и Undertaker © Майклом Кейси IN RUSSIAN

in so much pain today, my shoulder, I don't know if its the damp setting off my arthritis or not, anyway thank you to all the Russians suddenly reading my stuff. So if you click the blue link you can read my comic novel in full. Let's see if I can break into Russia  through a window, my stuff is perfect for all kinds of media. And yes I'd like to be paid too.  No new story today I cannot really concentrate due to all the pain. A word file of the book is also at the end of my wordpress account. Remember I write for  everybody everywhere, in the end it's all about friendship and love. A Russian bear will look after his stupid fat silver haired writer in shades from Birmingham England friend, why? Because a Bear always looks after her cubs, maybe I'm just a cub, a fat one, but a cub.  Or is that another story?

Tuesday, 12 March 2019

Мясник Бейкера и Undertaker © Майклом Кейси IN RUSSIAN

on my wordpress site

https://michaelgcaseyfrombirminghamengland.wordpress.com/


Мясник Бейкера и Undertaker © Майклом Кейси IN RUSSIAN

 









 

Monday, 11 March 2019

Afternoon All 11th March 2019

Afternoon All 11th March 2019

well my left shoulder is clicking away when I move it so I've slapped on Movelat my painkiller gel, I am pleased that Russia has come out to play and are reading my stuff, mainly on  the Cartoons  made from Words website.

If they or you go to my wordpress there are some translations where you can download entire books.

https://michaelgcaseyfrombirminghamengland.wordpress.com/2019/03/10/translations-galore-japan-china-korea-poland-russia-france-portugal-just-keep-on-scrolling-then-tell-all-your-media/ 

Yes I DO want you all to pay the worker his wage, after 30years of writing I do deserve that.

So the English  is on Amazon for the price of a drink you get a book.

 https://www.amazon.co.uk/l/B00571G0YC

you can all mention my writing on FB or whatever your local equivalent is. Or mention my stories at church or synagogue or temple or mosque, or just down the pub.

I had a new "fan" from Nigeria last night, so hello to him if he is reading this.  There doesn't seem to be enough crossover from Wordpress to Blogger, there is no Berlin Wall for my writing, so leap the wall of imagination and laughter.

I don't think they'll be anything new today, but always come back before bedtime, my bedtime that is. You can tuck me in and give me a bedtime kiss and tell me a story as I try and get to sleep over the Tinnitus. Is that a deal, but don't all come at once, my bedroom isn't big enough.

My brother learnt Russian many years ago and when in Russia they made him a Birthday cake and sung Happy Birthday while he was on a language course.

All I get is Fatty move out the Way, I have to vacuum clean now. 

on the Butcher Baker Undertaker main site there are 2000+ pieces to read.

If you write Apps do get in touch, we can use them to Teach English via Comedy.


















Sunday, 10 March 2019

Lech, Boris and Gregorgi come in from the Cold

Lech, Boris and Gregorgi come in from the Cold


Saturday, 4 August 2018

Lech, Boris and Gregorgi come in from the Cold

Lech, Boris and Gregorgi come in from the Cold ©
By Michael Casey
Now it’s hard when building work goes on and there is dust everywhere, when there is cursing galore, and that is just from mom and dad. Builders blush when they overhear such language, but building is a blessed thing, blessed with plenty of cursing. Anastasia was visiting family in the village, when she had a phone call from her granddad, the builders had let him down, now all he had was dust everywhere. This made her own problem small beer, she had bought a brand new car for herself as a graduation present, but it broke down repeatedly. The dealership just laughed at her and called her little Russian Princess.
Now as Lech’s, Boris’s and Gregorgi’s wives chopped meat their blood boiled.
Anastasia’s granddad was Denis Nellis, he was very very old now, but when he was very very young he was a sailor on the Artic Convoy to Russia, after the war he married the sister of a Polish Battle of Britain pilot. So he was a man of great bravery, who should be honored and as he had a connection to the village through marriage he was FAMILY. The boys’ wives sharpened their knives, but Anastasia said the Pen is Mightier than the sword, and far far sharper, with a wicked smile. The boys’ wives agree as they did some target practice on the back of the kitchen door.
But where were the boys, where were Lech, Boris and Gregorgi? The Summer of 2018 was so terrible hot, some like it hot, as they  say, but Gregorgi had a friend who owned a former Russian nuclear submarine, he had bought it in an army or navy surplus sale. He ran trips to the North, the far North, ½ way to the North Pole. Ice Station Zebra and all that. Some of the crew had gone sick, so Gregorgi had persuaded Lech and Boris to come and have an adventure, or were they little girls? So the three of them found themselves on an ice shelf playing football. The new or rather ex Soviet winter warmer clothes were being sold to the tourists as Lech, Boris and Gregorgi larked about on the ice. The pay was very good after all, and it was in US dollars, perfect, what more did they want.
Their wives could bear it no longer, they dug out the old SW set and setting it to the emergency frequency they sent a message to the North Pole. Come home the dinner is getting cold, family matter to attend to. That was all it said, signed 3 wives. Now the American’s went mad trying to work out what it meant. The Russian’s wanted to know what it meant too. Only the British knew what it really meant. You see Anastasia had a secret, she had just signed on to work for GCHQ, so she had told them about her holiday plans, and having Denis Nellis as a relative had swung the interview for her, that and having a Double First from Downing Cambridge.  Or the University of Monty Python as some card in recruitment called it, you see Downing was where John Cleese went, and Michael Winner and this writer’s brother.
Lech, Boris and Gregorgi worried for a full minute, before finishing off the submarine’s supply of vodka, their wives could look after themselves, they knew how to use knives and riffles. So as the icicles melted from them they enjoyed  their vodka, the trip had been a success and they’d been invited to join the regular crew roster.
When they got home to the village their wives feed them well and took them to bed. They had to make sure everything still worked after the cold of the North Pole. In the morning their wife’s gave them the Eastern look,  they explained about Denis Nellis and Anastasia. Then Anastasia explained about the builder saying her grandad would have to face facts and surrender to reality. The car company has said the same, just surrender to life. Now Gregorgi started to twitch, you never say Surrender to a Russian, after what those Nazi bastards did. Lech and Boris weren’t happy either, this was Family. The Scots never say surrender too,  go ask the Black Watch if you don’t believe me.
There was just enough time to finish all the food their wives  had prepared while they were at the North Pole, then they made love to their wives 10 more times, before they were ready to hit the road. At David Nellis’s house it was like the Nazi bastards had shelled it. Lech, Boris and Gregorgi  set to work. The bathroom extension with downstairs bedroom would soon be sorted. The boys worked like slaves, worse than slaves, they worked like men from the East, they worked like family. If you married into the East, then you were part of the East. They only stopped for 5 mins just to send me an email asking that I looked after Still 17 in Warley Woods, it would be reaching perfection too, by pure, 95% pure, coincidence they would be in England to taste it.
When the dust settled Dennis Nellis had his bathroom  and new bedroom downstairs. Gregorgi shed a tear, and for once his cousins did not mock him for crying like a little girl. This was family. I had tapped Still 17 and send the postman to deliver 10 litres, so toasting Dennis Nellis sailor from the Artic Convoys they got drunk. What else do you expect?
Now Anastasia had not been forgotten, still hung over the boys decided to go visit the car dealership. The car dealer had ignored Anastasia, even though she was so pretty, and so very very intelligent. But boys will be boys, and they had come in from the cold, and their 3 wives had asked did they want to repeat their performance, once they had sorted out Anastasia’s broken brand new car. So they went to the car show room, now they could have physically turned all the cars over like turtles.
Just as Big Sid does in the finale of The Butcher The Baker and The Undertaker.
However they had seen the Full Monty on Dennis Nellis’s tv the night before, so they just played the music on their Spotify on their iphones so they started to strip. The girls in the car show room giggled and live streamed it on Facebook to their friends, they stopped giggling as more and more clothes came off. Where was the nearest Polish/Ukrainian and Russian food store, these were MEN with a capital M! The car showroom owner came down to see the still drunk cousins sprawled naked over his cars, leaving marks all over the polish, that’s polish not POLISH by the way.
He tried to threaten them but this was no Spring Time for Hitler. Your Cars have one thing in common with us slurred Lech, Boris and Gregorgi, and what is that asked the car show room owner? BIG BOLLOCKS! And with that the boys left the showroom. And did Anastasia get a new car from the car dealer. No, he was going to offer, but the Police closed down his showroom after 100s of complaints, the Police even said he did not have a licence for Erotic Dancers so were able to close him down immediately. But Peter Stringfellow saw it all online and sent Anastasia a brand new car, a much better car. He did offer the boys a job as well, but they decided, The winner wives take it all, it was For Their Eyes Only.















Saturday, 9 March 2019

Death of a Hero Butcher

Death of a Hero Butcher ©
By
Michael  Casey

After Big Sid had been shot 3 times at point blank range and then saved, the drugs collective decided he should die. So an assassin was sent to the hospital to kill him in his hospital bed. It was easy to slip into Dudley Rd hospital the place was so big, so Big Sid would soon be in Heaven and not annoying the Colombians. Or so was the plan, only nurse Gladys Emmanuel was on duty that day. She had just emptied Sid’s bag in the sluice when she saw a man standing over him. So Gladys hit the intruder with what was to hand, a still full metal bed pan. And then she screamed as only she could scream. R A P E. and on she screamed over and over again. R A P E. As she continued to hit the intruder with a metal bed pan.

The Dudley Rd rugby team had just returned from victory over the QE when her screams rang out. Staff, all manner of staff raced to her aid. Darcy Braithwaite ran the fastest, he was sweet on nurse Gladys Emmanuel but hadn’t yet plucked up the courage. But now, but now, Darcy Braithwaite ran like the wind. He was 22stones and could have player rugby for England but Medicine claimed him first. Ordinarily he’d be the slowest in the pack, a tight head prop with cauliflower ears.  to match. But now he was a greyhound.

The Medics Rugby crew piled into the side room, the would be assassin was stamped on, two broken knees as least. This is a place of healing you bastard screamed Darcy s he looked at nurse Gladys and as Big Sid’s bed was returned to it’s correct position, it had been knocked sideways in all the commotion. Are you, ok, asked Darcy. Of course I am, that bastard was after Big Sid, replied Gladys as she picked up the gun from the floor and put it in a still soiled bedpan. Good I’m so relieved, Darcy began to cry, at that moment Gladys decided she’d marry him, well come and but me a cuppa before the canteen closes.
And that was their first official date.

Sgt Mulholland arrived baton drawn and taser at the ready. The would be assassin would need medical attention. The head of hospital arrived, Dame Elizabeth York, this bastard broke the sanctity of this place of healing, I advise taking him to the QE, he’s not welcome here. I hear they are better at knee cap surgery, she was lying, but she was livid, she was 78 now and this was her last year as honorary head of hospital.

Then maybe it was because of her age or maybe it was otherwise, her grandfather has been a butcher, but she “fainted”, but as she fainted her legs convulsed upwards. Her very fancy designer shoes, those very pointy ones, just like Theresa May’s ones, well her pointy shoes hit the would be assassin in his balls. A perfect shot, a perfect parting shot from the honorary head of hospital. Now I do know for a fact that the QE does specialise in testicular procedures. So Sgt Mulholland slowly cuffed the assassin and led him away. The rugby team smiled, and that was another reason why they loved Dudley Road so much, quality leadership.

Percy arrived with Mr Stone MP. They huddled with Dame Elizabeth York and the rugby team. Then it was decided. Sid must die, to save Sid he must die. If those Colombian drugs bastards were after him they would try again. So to save Sid, he must die. Everybody was sworn to secrecy. But where could Sid go and receive the care and safety he needed. Dame Elizabeth touched her nose, Brother can you help a sister in need? It was all decided, you see her brother was none other than the English aristocrat billionaire whose ancestors feed Henry VIII  who had knighted the beef to create Sir Loin.

Big Sid would be spirited away to safety on his huge estate. But everything must look real. So Percy himself would remove the “body” and Mr Stone M.P.would make a statement to the Press. I am an M.P. so if anybody is to lie it should be me, and so it was all decided. Andy, Percy’s son would go with Sid to the Billionaire’s  from a rear exit while Percy took Sid’s “body” out the front. To make it look real Len would have to help.

Len, do you love Big Sid. Like a brother Len replied though tears. Then Len, Sid has to die and his body has to be carried out the front door of Dudley Rd. To make it look real we want you to be in the coffin as you are the same weight of Sid. It will be on tv so we want the assassin’s employer to think the job got done. Meanwhile we’ll gain the advantage as they’ll think Sid is dead.

So Len climbed into a coffin, and Sid’s “body” was lifted and carried by an honour guard of butchers the length of the longest hospital corridor in Europe, a one kilometre corridor. Every  100 metres another 6 butchers took over the carrying duties, 60 butchers had the honour of carrying Sid’s body to the front main exit. Percy had planned everything. Staff and patients lined the corridor, everybody would be watching and the tv crews through tears would share the tragic news.

Mr. Stone intoned, Big Sid died today as a result of trauma, while an assassin tried to kill him in his hospital bed. We ask for Prayers for Big Sid and his family. Mr Stone was crying, genuine tears that were shown all over the world. Sid’s friend Percy Frost will personally look after the last offices of the dead, the funeral is expected in 3 days time.

Meanwhile Andy drove a private ambulance away with Big Sid and 4 doctors inside. The Billionaire had some friends from Medicines Sans Frontieres ready until a full hospital room would be prepped in a matter of hours. His sister was always in a hurry, but now, but now she had afforded him the greatest honour of his life. He must remember to donate 10 million to MSF once Sid and settled in.

Once Percy had got his undertakers Len got out of the coffin. He was red, coffins are not built for the living after all. Is Big Sid safe were Len’s first words once he caught his breath. Yes, Len kissed Percy on the cheek, they were brothers now. Now if you wait an hour I’ll get Michael to drive you to meet Big Sid. Len started to cry, if anything happened to Big Sid it’d drive me mad. So Len waited an hour the old Michael arrived in his taxi under the cover of darkness and took Len to see Big Sid on the Billionaire estate.

The Estate was on lock down, everyone of the Estate workers were armed and told to shoot first and ask questions later. The MSF friends smiled, it was like being in a war zone, apart from the cuisine and 5 star luxury inside the Mansion. Len arrived and was led to Sid’s side, it was best Sid had a friend beside him. As the Billionaire greeted Len his phone rang, he looked over to the portrait on his wall, he passed the phone to Len. A voice said, just to let you know we are all praying for Sid in our house, and I mean all of us, do keep us informed. Call me Elizabeth by the way. Sorry must dash the corgis are chewing the carpet.”The phone went dear. Len looked at the Billionaire and the Billionaire looked at the portrait on the wall, it was Queen Elizabeth.

The Nation was in shock, 3 days of mourning and back to back tv about Big Sid, it was even discussed would he receive the George Medal posthumously for his bravery. So when it was announced that Mr Stone M.P. was to hold a Press conference all the world’s press were there. If I can begin with an apology, and I hope you can all forgive me but, I lied and an M.P. can never lie. So I will be applying for the Chiltern Hundreds and resigning my seat in Parliament. Everybody was confused, it must be all the pressure.

You see, Mr Stone paused, his face shone through tears. Bid Sid is ALIVE. Stunned silence, he really must be suffering from stress, it was 3 days now, and nobody survives 3 days dead. Big Sid is ALIVE I tell you, it was a trick to save Sid, to keep Sid safe while we spirited Sid away to safety. Uproar. I cannot tell you where he is but he is safe. I have a video to prove it.

The video started, it showed Buckingham Palace, then switched to a hospital bed, Sid was asleep and tubed up, a hand placed fresh flowers on a table besides him. The camera pulled back, it was Elizabeth Queen of England, Sid is under MY protection, and that of my Family. The Camera pulled back, the Duke was sitting in armchair his Pearly shotgun locked and loaded. The Camera pulled back again, outside the ceremonial guard had bayonets fixed and pointed at the camera. And besides them all the Firm had firearms locked and loaded. The video ended.
Total uproar, utter uproar. Sid was Alive, more alive that Flash Gordon. But Mr Stone, would keep his word because he had lied. But so had the Queen, or rather she had misdirected. Let those bastards come to the Palace, while dear Sid, Sir Big Sid GM, has a ring to it, does one agree. So Sid was safe in the countryside while the Gordon Highlanders just wished those Colombian drugs dealers came to the Palace where they were on guard duties. Then they’d flash them and give them a bayonet up the Kyber.

With that I’ll rest this fragment of the story from Tears for a Butcher. And if you are a Queen reading this how about some publicity for my writing, so I can leave some money for my daughters. But maybe only if Theresa May herself name drops me will I get any rewards for my words.












Thursday, 7 March 2019

Meditation Pause

Meditation Pause



Meditation Pause
there may now be a pause in my writing while I ponder my future
so read all the stories here there and everywhere which was a song by 
somebody

du courage.

Welcoming Russia and Ukraine

Welcoming Russia and Ukraine

you guys seem to love my words today so thank you. or is it just the photos of my cat?

I'll repost my Spaceman story below, plus one about the cat too.

I'd love to be published in Russia and Ukraine, well anywhere and everywhere.

I've just slapped on the pain killing gel, I was seeing colours  which I assume was due to the pain on my left shoulder and  neck. So you could all pray for the Writer. And not just that my writing improves either!


Wydanie polskie Still Alive 2015win Wiersze dla wszystkichThe Polish TranslationsThe Polish Translationspolish Guardian AngelPolish Edition of Still Alive 2015インドのプリンセスを検索するには - Copyページ1 Quick Stories in Japaneseインドのプリンセスを検索するには아직도 살아있는 2015페이지 1 Quick Stories KOREANMichael Casey The Polish TranslationsBBU FrenchBBU GermanJapanese elevator Advertshoplife spanishСтраница 1ЭТО МОЙ ЛИФТ AD50 Spanish Examples50 Spanish Examplesbbumar2008-en-zh-cn-1BBUMar2008.en.zh-CN (1)BBU in HebrewBBU in ArabicBBU FrenchBBU Russian Translation microsoft word300 وBBU GermanBBU in KOREANKOREAN TRANSLATION Still Alive 2015The Polish TranslationsSpanish BBU아직도 살아있는 2015아직도 살아있는 2015아직도 살아있는 201550 Spanish Examples


The Spaceman and The Arch-Angel ©
By Michael Casey

Mikhail Mikhailovich was a spaceman, a cosmonaut as the Russians  call them, he’d been in space forever, he held the world record already, he was testing himself to see if Man could make it to Mars. He and Tim Peake had had a lot of fun in the space station, but now Tim was gone. So Mikhail was lonely, in fact Mikhail was having a dark night of the soul, flying high in the sky orbiting the world. He was on the edge, but bear a bear of a man he told nobody, if only his wife Katarina was with him to make him strong, but he was floating in space and she was back in Saint Petersburg.

Michael the Arch-Angel had just pushed back Satan back into Hell and had sealed the gates with a pair of Rosary beads, now he was taking Mrs Murphy’s soul back to her body, he was in a hurry before her body died without her soul inside. At Saint Michael the Arch-Angel flew in space with Mrs Murphy’s soul safely tucked in his belt by his sword he felt Mikhail’s sorrow. So much sorry, he flew as fast as he could fly towards to space station, a soul was in danger, the space station was in danger, a man’s life and soul was in danger. Mikhail was on the verge of thinking of doing something mad bad and sad. Michael felt this and as an angel he must intervene, he spiralled directly towards the space station, he went straight inside and grabbed Mikhail’s arm.
An angel does not need to use doors, the spirit just walks through walls even in space, love knows no boundaries, and an angel is just that, love. Saint Michael the Arch-Angel gave Mikhail a bear-hug and nearly broke his ribs. Mikhail screamed in fear, Michael just laughed in his face and said he screamed like a little girl, was he going to pee his pants as an encore. Mikhail rubbed his eyes, there was angel in front of him, speaking Russian, in fact he sounded like his own old grandfather, with the same local accent. 

I could punch your lights out, but I’m an angel so let’s talk, have you got any beer, my wings are tired I need a beer, asked the angel. Mikhail laughed, where do we have the room for a barrel of beer in a space station? The angel reached behind him and two pints of Stella Artois appeared in chalices, so Mikhail took one and drank it, after such a long time in space it was heavenly to say the least. So Mikhail and the angel had 4 pints each, which is enough to wet their whistle if they were both Russian. Mikhail wasn’t scared any more, if this was a dream he was going to enjoy it. He’d love a big sandwich of Russian beef and bread with lettuce and tomatoes, so once more Saint Michael reached behind him and the sandwiches appeared. Is Paul Daniels behind you joked Mikhail, Tim the English spaceman had told Mikhail about Paul Daniels during his time on the space station. No replied the angel, but God is behind me, and in front of me and in all directions too, he has my back, and your’s too, that’s why I’m saving you.

Mikhail, looked at his feet, he’d felt a failure, he could have, but he didn’t, an angel had saved him. Michael the Archangel gave him another pint of Stella Artois, Paul Daniels was working overtime you could say. Why were you in space anyway asked Mikhail. I was returning a soul to a body, Mrs Murphy was risking her soul to save the life of her priest, or rather the soul of her priest. That’s when Satan pounced, so I had to give him a kicking, and then mum asked we to return Mrs Murphy’s soul to her body, before her body expired. Mum who is your mum? Mary is my mum, she’s everybody’s mum, she prefers to be called  ”mum” it’s  the highest title of all. Mikhail Mikhailovich started to cry, so Michael wiped his nose with his wings.

I wish I could be a father but being in the space program has put paid to that, I am a hero of Mother Russia, but my own wife cannot be a mother, we will never know the joy of children. Mikhail cried again, the angel gave him a huge hug, almost breaking the spaceman’s ribs and Mikhail’s face turned bright red due to lack of oxygen. A tear fell from the angel’s eye, it trickled down his face and splashed Mrs Murphy’s soul, this was enough for Mrs Murphy she was saying the Rosary in a nanosecond. Her body was dead by now, but at least she could pray for the spaceman.

Michael and Mikhail had some fresh fruit, bananas and grapes, washed down with more Stella Artois. Mikhail unburdened himself to the angel, all his hopes and dreams, being a spaceman was the last of them. Tim had told Mikhail about David Bowie and the two of them had put the face makeup on and sung the songs. Now Tim was gone and Mikhail missed him, but most of all Mikhail missed something he’d never have. Children. As a child Mikhail loved listening to stories, stories from all over Russia and everywhere else too, but then studying came along.

Saint Michael the Archangel has a secret, he loves stories too, he’s spent ages, literally Ages listening to stories from all over the world. So as they drunk their Stella Artois Michael told Mikhail some of the stories. First in Russian for the Russian stories, then he switched to Chinese for the Chinese stories, Indian for the Indian stories, and Japanese for the Japanese stories. Michael knew thousands of stories in told them all in all the native languages. The food and drink flowed, Paul Daniels really is a great magician, how he hid all of it in the space station ready to save a soul, a Russian spaceman’s soul we’ll never know, perhaps he’s just an angel.
How long would it take to tell tales from all over the world, as long as there is food and drink on the table there will always be tales, and this angel doesn’t follow Logic, only Love. In Earth time 50 years had passed, or was it just a dream? Michael and Mikhail hugged, this time Michael could not breathe and he turned red. Mikhail had been filled with Love, and food and drink thanks to maybe Paul Daniels, so he was a big Russian Bear once more.

You are Mikhail Mikhailovich a Spaceman who did not fall to earth, you are the Storyteller from Space, you are a “father” to billions of children, and to your wife you are the best husband in space and on earth who gave her seven children, angels love the number 7, Snow White really did exist you know, but that’s another story. Mikhail snored, he been dreaming hadn’t he.
Michael flew off into space, for decades he’d been talking to Mikhail, it was a coincidence he’d spotted Mikhail, he thanked God. As Michael looked at his watch, by which I mean the rotation of the stars in space, he realised he’d actually gone back in time by 2.9 nanoseconds. Einstein had been livid when he’d got to Heaven to discover that Time and Relativity was just one of God’s jokes.
Mrs Murphy’s soul was returned to her body, but her 50 years of prayers so that Mikhail could have a family had not been wasted, and as for her priest well that’s another story, Tears for a Butcher by Michael Casey to be exact, if God gives me the time to finish it.

The next night Mikhail said he had a story for all the Russian children, so he told them about the night the angel came to the space station. This was an instant hit all over Mother Russia, it was so funny too, though he had to explain who Paul Daniels was, they liked the story a lot, not a little bit. The Indians wanted to hear the story so could he tell them too, so he did but Mikhail told them in one of the major Indian languages, and as each child hear the story they hear it in the voice of their own grandfather. Japan was next and they were astounded too, not only did know their language but the accent was perfect, Mikhail was like a United Nations, his stories perfectly told demanded silence, followed by tears of joy.

Mikhail spent another month in space, each night he’d tell stories to the world’s children. He was out of this world literally and in all other ways. When it was time for him to return he was an international hero, for science and for story-telling. Putin himself said he drive him from the airport to the Kremlin for a reception. When Mikhail came down the steps from the plane his wife jumped into his arms, Putin was dressed as a chauffeur, the election was next month and he know good PR. The president as servant of the people.  Putin did have to close the privacy screen in the Zil because the spaceman started on creating his happy family on the back seat of the Zil limousine.

So Mikhail got what he wanted a big happy Russian family, was the angel right in guessing 7, no he was wrong, Mikhail and his wife only had 3 pregnancies. Three being Mrs Murphy’s favourite number, three sets of triples. Mikhail set up his own Utube station to tell stories to the world’s children, he called it You’ll Like It, a lot. Then his friend Putin suggested he should run for president, so that’s how a spaceman called Mikhail became the President of Russia, because an angel came acalling, twinkle, twinkle.        

  


The Bad Cat That Wasn’t ©
By Michael Casey
Totoro wasn’t a bad cat even though his owner thought she was, it was just that she got fed up of being a house cat, house cats led a boring life. It was nice being fed and having a nice litter tray by the back door, but Totoro wanted to see what was behind the back door. So she plotted to escape and have a look around the neighbourhood, she was allowed upstairs and down stairs and in the lady’s chamber, and if there was an attic or even a cellar she’d be allowed to go there too. But that was not enough for Totoro.
Totoro wanted to talk to the other cats and annoy that dog that lived over the hedge. She had watched all the goings on in the neighbourhood, but that was just through the window, she wanted to join in and be part of it. Cat tv was no good, she wanted to be part of the action. One day her owner Miss Lump who was rather plumb left the bathroom window open to let the steam out. Only the cat got out too, Miss Lump who was a teacher had lost her cat, though some of her students thought she was a witch who rode on a broomstick with a cat.
Miss Lump did not notice as she was busy making harder and harder maths tests for her Year8 students, they would thank her for it in the future, even if they called her Witch behind her back, or other words that rhythmed with Witch. In the morning Miss Lump heard a noise it was Totoro asking to be let in, Totoro was sitting on the porch canopy beneath Miss Lump’s bedroom window. Miss Lump was surprised to see her cat there, but she realised she needed to allow Totoro some freedom.
From that night onwards she kept her bedroom window half open, so Totoro could come and go as she pleased. Miss Lump did have a metal baseball bat under her bed just in case any burglars came along, she was 110kilos and knew how to swing a bat. Despite her size she was still pretty as she had red hair and a very nice smile, when she wasn’t setting maths tests for her students.
So Totoro became a night shift cat, coming and going as he pleased, she went to see the nasty dog first of all, she jumped out of the hedge straight onto the dog’s back, from that night onwards the neighbourhood slept better. This was the first miracle Totoro performed. Totoro visited the old ladies of the neighbourhood and tested their milk for them, just to make sure it was good enough for them. She didn’t want any of the old ladies to drink bad milk after all, she soon became the official milk tester for 4 old ladies.
Totoro spent more and more time away from her home and Miss Lump, but Miss Lump knew Totoro was ok so she did not worry. Totoro still managed to come back and finish his food and use his litter. Totoro may travel far and wide but she always poohed at home.
A little boy had come to the neighbourhood, he never went out to play, Totoro went to see him, Totoro looked at him through his window, for some reason the child slept downstairs with a bottle and wires connected. Totoro did not know what they were, maybe he was part Gerbil, he had a bottle and wires. If Totoro could speak he’d ask Miss Lump to explain.
One evening Totoro sneaked into the boy’s house to see him, the boy’s face was so pale and white, he had spilt some milk on his clothes, Totoro jumped on his lap and started licking the milk up. As he was licking the milk up, the boy smiled and laughed, his mother heard the laughter and came to see what was happening. To hear her son laugh was such joy for his mother, her son was sick so very sick.
Totoro became a regular visitor to Tomas’s house, Totoro had his regulars, Totoro was a travelling cat who was there to be stroked and loved by everywhere in the neighbour. Totoro seemed to know that Tomas needed him more than the rest, so she just moved in. She loved sleeping at the bottom of Tomas’s bed, and Totoro loved her too, she purred like a taxi when he stroked her.
Tomas’s mom rang the phone number on Totoro’s collar, Miss Lump understood, and when she discovered Tomas was in Year8 she shed a tear, he’d never finish all the maths test she set for her children. And Tomas never did, 3 months later he died on a Tuesday morning, still stroking Totoro, in her sorrow and pain Tomas’s mother rang to share the sad news with Miss Lump.
Miss Lump went to school and passed out the test papers, as the Year8 children did the biggest and hardest maths test of their lives Miss Lump sat there crying. The children looked up from their test papers and immediately they loved Miss Lump to death, they tried their hardest because they loved her. After the test was over Miss Lump explained about Totoro and Tomas, then it was the turn of the children to cry. A cat may have 9 lives but we only have one said Miss Lump, then they all cried together.
Tomas left a legacy all of Miss Lump’s maths group decided to live a bit for him as he didn’t have a chance to finish his life. In fact the maths group became the most brilliant maths group ever.  Tomas’s funeral was so sad with lots of children in attendance, Totoro’s friends also came as they all shared him and so they should be there for Tomas too.
Tomas went straight to Heaven, he was met by Saint Martin de Porres who handed him a cat, the cat looked exactly like Totoro. Had Totoro exchanged one of her lives so Totoro would not be lonely in Heaven. I don’t know, we’ll have to ask Saint Martin de Porres when we get there, if we are good.
Now there is evil in the world, now though Totoro was safe in Heaven with Tomas, here on earth there is evil. One night a burglar who had been looking around the area for somewhere to steal noticed Miss Lump’s open bedroom window. So with a hop and a skip he was in her bedroom. Luckily for Miss Lump Totoro and her 8 remaining lives was fast asleep at the bottom of her bed.
Totoro leapt and scratched the burglar’s face, the thief threw Totoro and Totoro landed on a tin of paint which Miss Lump had been using to touch up the paint in her bedroom. Miss Lump awoke to see an uninvited man in her bedroom. So she reached for her baseball bat and battered the thief till he fell out her bedroom window, breaking an arm and a leg.
Miss Lump looked at Totoro, she had saved her, though now Totoro was covered in paint. Tomas watching from Heaven begged Saint Martin de Porres to save Totoro’s life, even if it meant Totoro lost another one of his lives. Saint Martin de Porres smiled, he had a soft spot for animals after all, Miss Lump was desperate for a Vet to save her cat.
The Police came to take the burglar away, via hospital and an emergency RSPCA Vet arrived too. Covered in paint was a terrible thing for a cat, but Miss Lump wanted her cat to live. Several of Totoro’s other owners arrived all the noise of police and ambulance had woken them up. They did not care what it cost they would all chip in. Totoro had spread so much love they just had to thank her.
So Totoro lost another life, but the Vet gained a wife. Totoro was shaved and had to wear a cone to stop her from licking herself and the poisonous paint, but with love and care and despite the lack of hair she would survive.
The Vet’s name was Tomas Martin, no I’m not lying, his name was Tomas Martin. He immediately fell in love with Miss Lump, and he just loved maths too, multiplication was his absolute favourite. They went on to have 7 children the same number as lives Totoro had left.










Triple or Quadruple?

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